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Do you like CONFLICT?

The Steve Noble Show / Steve Noble
The Truth Network Radio
June 10, 2021 9:27 am

Do you like CONFLICT?

The Steve Noble Show / Steve Noble

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June 10, 2021 9:27 am

Do you like CONFLICT?

Do you like conflict or do you avoid it? & What does God want us to do about it?  Today Steve goes live with Dr. Chad Slotta to talk about how we should handle conflict. 

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The following program is recorded content created by the Truth Network mobile show where Christianity meets the everyday issues of life in your home, at work, and even in politics. Steve is an ordinary man who believes in an extraordinary God it on a show, there's plenty of grace and truth. No sacred cows call Steve now 86 34 true 866-34-TRUTH or check them out online, Steve Noble Joe.com now is your house whatever I got in here today.

My my coffee this evening.

I'll have to see the old lady and then and then my you know one of one of those things out. Children where my kids will come in and invariably, they'll say something ridiculous or not take care of something to blow them out and because it's fun to aggravate and frustrate your children and and that's just the way I handle conflict, and so today we work to talk about engaging conflict in a biblical way, but I don't know what I'm up to Dr. Jack's lot. I welcome back our so great to be here. Steve, thanks for that really well. I'm saying that for radio will let you know, to be hundred percent honest in a few minutes I'll decide now.

They'll get up that so where we are going to the theology Thursday today I have done in probably. I started reading on Saturdays in 2007 and so were were what 14 years into this, and 11 of those years daily.

I probably done conflict or talked about conflict three or four times and in all this time, so it's not something in in that something we all live with.

We all deal with it, were all engaged in it all the time. Now some of us run from it. Some of us run to at some of us created some of us created unwillingly and some of us created willingly but conflicts a big deal and it's obviously you've done some great work in your dissertation and in your educational work that you also live through this, so for somebody like you are a successful business owner in a family business and a pastor for many years and very well educated. Why is conflict such a passionate issue for you will hate really born out of a lot of pain. It's usually in a but that's how I Bible I think God works right.

He redeems it if were willing to be honest about where we are and lean into his word and lean into him, he redeems are our weaknesses. The areas of challenge and an works to his own glory and benefit of his kingdom and really I we had pioneered a church in North Carolina in 2010 and as it began to grow and build at that one particular season in the life of our church. We had some some pretty serious conflicts with some members of our church and some of our staff and it led to just some surreal hurt for us and for them. Unfortunately, we walk through some very difficult days. Now God is redeem those things since then, which are very thankful for in those relationships and and healed so much. But as I evaluated kind of in a postmortem fashion what had happened. I realized, is as I look back, not only on the seven years as a senior pastor, but the 13 years I pastor before that that handling conflict and addressing those things because of the personality that I had decisions I've made my my my own background that I was someone who weakness was handling conflict was a big week. Jeremy yeah and I made a decision that I wasn't going to continue on in leadership negatively impacting others lives God's kingdom and so forth until I had really worked on that skill and so that something. I leaned into and studied looking through Scripture finding out what is God's word say about the topic of conflict with two current resources and leaders in the business world and the church world say about this issue and created a conflict resolution training program to help other pastors work through these issues before they realize to get the training they need and there were some some spiritual mistakes that I made that I think will be really valuable to share. There's a number of things that before you get to that. Yeah what did you find that there were a lot of resources out there in terms of dealing with conflict because my guess is that there are, but we generally don't use the phrase a minute ago training training in how you how you handle conflict. I don't think any of us receive any training right and we don't even think about it in terms of training, it's just I got a deal of it.

I get to get through it.

I gotta get over it. But the think that there's actually a way through the process and for those of us that are like the rich young ruler some actual points and steps to follow what that's encouraging you to find resources out there. Well, you're right, we surveyed hundreds of pastors and exit to church networks and discovered that most never receive any type of training and are required to receive right training before before they get their ordination and conflict is something that because of our fallen nature were all going to experience. We all will encounter that and so to send anyone into a role of leadership without having prepare them to me was a grave mistake I made that mistake.

You those over me never required meets it to receive that training and and because of that I suffered and in the kingdom of God. I think suffered. Unfortunately, again I was determined not to let that happen again.

But yes, there are many resources out there that are available to the question is this is not something that people love to talk about is not the warm fuzzy right your topic that you're going to lean into, especially in in a in a seminary setting. There's not as much training as you think even and I think our goal of conflict is just not kind to survive. It right don't have it turn into an F5 tornado destroyed my family destroy my business to ferment churches from a marriage. Whatever and just come to survive. It ends as opposed to looking at it like an opportunity because Scripture makes it perfectly clear. We all know this up pretty early on in your walk with Christ that you're going counter conflict up for almost a daily basis, certainly within yourself, but with other people because were just all I try tell my kids to try to explain this over the years. I'll say okay so when the Bible tells us to make allowances for one another send me to overlook it because the Bible also teaches us to engage in as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another, but there is a sober mindedness that we all need to have so kids.

Let me paint you a picture that at the time we had a pretty small kitchen and a like let's say all of us. All six of us.

Whatever your names are and you and your mom and me and and were all we all have big inner tubes on around us never to go in the kitchen were to make dinner together. What you think that's gonna look like what's going to happen and they all said well working to be bumping into each other right and so you're trying to make something or not spill something in somebody's gonna bounce in the mom and the moms in bounds and you and you to spill your stuff all over the place and are to be torqued often were all gonna be mad, although should we expect that this is going to be ugly because were all we all have a problem were all wearing this thing around assistance that's like arson you walk into a room with other people or church with other people were boardroom or business or even a Chick-fil-A of all places, conflict is almost guaranteed to their long to unpack this with all the work that Chad has done church like businesslike and all the work you put into it academically. How do we work our way not just to survive conflict but to thrive in the midst of it or fight God into the kingdom will pick it up there with the combat back at Steve Noble to see Noblesville some nice happy music today for a difficult subject, one that we sent to avoid.

We run away from it. We pray our way out of it early. Try to and that the issue of complex of the theology Thursday.

How to address conflict successfully with her good friend Dr. Chet slot I was served as a pastor's business owner very very well educated. Thus, the doctor is Dr. Chet slats right yes please, please continue to address me as such, you and I appreciate your your humility. So I set it all up and you went through very difficult church situation. We all deal with conflict is most of us are bad at it were not good at it in the so this is something that I'm glad were talking about in any done great research and put together great guides or by the way I Chad also sent me a He's got a lot of different things here, but there's one particular overview that's written a little bit more like a long blog entry and I've got that so I want to be able to share that with you today. It's about a six page paper that Chad Rowe called engage a reflection upon the biblical mandate to address conflict in his great guidelines great content but it's pretty short, about eight pages and I walk you through the Scriptures is really really good so if you want to copy that I would love to email it to use it to shoot me an email steve@thestevenobleshow.com that's all you ever do you shoot me an email you, let me congratulate me be nice. Don't whatever, but in this case, I would love to send you a copy of that. So just shoot me an email safety seminar paper from the day on conflict steve@thestevenobleshow.com and I'll send it right back to you before go to bed tonight. steve@thestevenobleshow.com one main thing today that were trying to do Chad is is what what's what's going to the big goal that we have the main idea. Steve really is 20 address and not avoid conflict. The default position of most people in most leaders is to avoid conflict at all possible war and this is almost worse than avoiding the conflict is is engaging in a discussion with someone and then being anything less than 100% honest. So often were able to go into a discussion and and and keep our our tongue maybe and keep our emotions in a particular moment, but then we we stopped just short of being honest with that the person because we haven't developed the skills the language the skill set to be able to to do that and we make a calculation calculation is because I lack the skills, the ability to do to to engage with this person, the likelihood of me losing this relationship is greater than the value I'll gain if I engage with yes for you that key is God has called us, he is said you're not allowed to avoid conflict. I've called you to come together. Jesus left heaven came to her. He didn't stay where he was. If you look at the biblical narrative in Genesis chapter 3 when Adam and Eve send. What does God do. He seeks them out comes to heat he he finds them, seeks them out and so that's what God called us to do. Yet such a powerful point right there in the garden than God comes walking around and engages them.

And of course you see that later in Jesus's teachings, especially that you want to come out and you're coming to the church of the Gulf at offering guys. I hate a don't don't drop that check in the my plate until you go, be reconciled with your brother since reconciliation is the heart of the gospel, but it should be the heart of the way we address one another, but I think that such a powerful point that we do some calculations we do a little relational calculus and we say it's it's not go well, if I'm honest but what's the danger of of telling a little white lie are not completely opening up everything will again we we think that conflict over time that you time heals all wounds right that's what right had a shirt.

Of course that's in second opinion stressing second hesitation. Chapter 5 the ice so it's it doesn't work that way we we resent here's the thing we not only grow to resent the other person because we haven't been honest. But here's what's worse, we grow to resent ourselves because we don't have the courage to be honest and to tell the truth and and in that that eats away at us even though we were maybe able to ignore it or be distracted by life's what's what's happening in life trying to move on.

I we still end up coming back to the place of resenting ourselves in the person.

There is a story of God, you, you made a note of it and hear my story about an F3 guy who was afraid to confront his friend.

Remember that one so that everything is there is the outcome of an outreach physical fitness group that you have and so do you remember what that was about yet. We were sitting in a Bible study a couple of us and in a part of our goal is to reach out to others, really be a brotherhood. In one of my friends was just tell me the stories yet that he had a friend whose marriage was in trouble and a and he did know how to handle the situation didn't know what to do. He was worried about the guy and was asking me as a friend to pray for this person. So I said will be happy to pray for him.

But when are you going to go and sit down and talk to him and his response was, well, I can't do that. I won't do that because I don't want to risk this French of this friendship is important to me and if I confront him. And here's the key. He had seen a pattern in this this brothers life that he felt like he needed to address and maybe some of those marital problems were a result of what he was seeing in this brothers life but to be honest about that and to confront him heat. He thought in his mind would've risked the relationship but again this is where as brothers in Christ. How how how can discipleship receives a great question. How can we be disciples. True disciples and walk in discipleship with one another and in relationship if were not able to be honest the way that we need to God can't minister through right us truth as he calls us to do in his word and I think one of the challenges here is that in the digital world it is it okay if we just text our way through this. Can we just text our way through a conflict or email our way through a conflict or do we need to do this face-to-face was interesting about that is a very interesting question I've asked as I did my research. I asked him some some expert some of my mentors, and pastors that very question. And in today's day and age with with younger generations. They value being able to text and do those things digitally a lot more oil.

So there's a sense in which if you try to address things in person. They are there. The lack of interpersonal communication skills can actually be a barrier. And so I think there is a a blend of reaching out and in the way that the person can receive the best.

Especially as you're making those initial contacts but ultimately sitting down face-to-face looking one another in the eyes of the you can see the grace of God C. Person's body language really is the key to resolving those things will not so important because we all can have what I call keyboard courage all say things and present things and take stands via my phone or Facebook or whatever that I probably wouldn't do sitting over a cup of coffee with you or anybody else but because you have the attention of an interpersonal relationship presence and eye contact and body language in and I think that if you're to be serious about resolving a conflict unless it's physically impossible because they live on the other side of the countries are literally can't get together but even then we can zoom we can video and I think that's is that a big deal in resolving a conflict is actually at some point you gotta come to come together absently actually have to come together and again I think the keyboard courage that what you said there's something to be said for that because a person behind a keyboard is probably 100% honest but not 100% respectful face-to-face. You may be 100% respectful and not 100% honest a great point. So I think there's a blend of those two. And in this is where I think a lot of of their Lotta wisdom, and in sure you've heard this before, and the audience has for sure. Hey write that email type out that email say everything you want to say.

The person just don't click send. It only took them will sometimes writing down and preparing your heart because when you come to someone you want to begin to to give them your heart. You want to show them value and sit with him. My primary goal of sitting down with these because I value our relationship. I value you as a friend and so I need to begin and share my story and sure where I'm coming from the outset the power pop powerful point will fill in a come back let's let's go into that scenario and walk us through okay. What we need to do that. Actually constructively in the biblical way to power the Holy Spirit work into lean into a conflict. You see it come to a resolution.

That's good for our relationship and brings glory to God and show the world what love is like will be right back now. Interesting lead in song or talk about theology Thursday and dealing with conflict is if you're going to go have have this meeting with somebody that you're in conflict with what you got that song in the background of the things might exit go pet I mean is good here that long and I cannot bear Bob in their head a little bit okay this might not be so bad because I glowed everything poor or people are just there had to explode. Either way, were talk to Dr. Chad slotted today about conflict resolution in the biblical model and how you work through that and that Chad just brought this up and thank you for all the work done on the subject over the years and having gone through it yourself with your church and I know primarily you studied and wrote for pastoral conflict resolution and within, but the context of the church, but for most of us unfortunately we've seen that even over the last year and 1/2 we seen churches in all kinds of conflict over trump over masks and now will open or close.

And now over backseat right mean, there's so much conflict there. But in our personal lives. I think we run into it a lot and you were bringing this up on the break on Facebook live in YouTube live in if you want to join us in the studio because we had can have a sidebar conversation when you're on the radio listening to commercials were still conversing here in the studio, so just go to Steve Noble show either Facebook page or YouTube, but you brought up from Mark 10 when Jesus was dealing with the rich young ruler. He brought up this beautiful progression in verse 20 and he said to him, teacher, all the things that kept from my youth as guys trying to justify himself personally on in Jesus looking at him. The next part loved him and said to him you lack one thing, but that that's a powerful point as we go into conflict resolution that our heart position has to be right as rain and seemed and CPI. I love again Jesus sees him it and you can see in when he says you lack one thing, go and sell that you have Jesus does not hold back. He is absolutely honest he's actually honest but but the affectionate rises in his heart, teaches us how we first need to see people because here's here's the progression in our own hearts. When we come to a place of tension, frustration, anger was someone the progression is this I see something or I hear something okay I deserve something in life I will I see you you're across the table were having lunch and you look down at your phone.

You were supposed to be talking in a whatever it might be.

Again, as is usual and and you tell yourself a story then you feel something and do something so I see you look down at your phone. I tell myself a story. Steve is in, here's the story, and this happens in in in a split second.

Steve's ignoring, he doesn't value what I'm Sam trying to share my heart with the man and his brother and was supposed to be hanging out and he'd rather be on his phone so that I feel something will I feel frustration I feel anger and that I take an action, I retort. I get up from the table or I call you back. And so it's so important that in that split-second moment when we tell ourselves the story that we follow the example of Jesus here in Mark 10 that we weeds we give that that benefit of the doubt in that split second and that's where we can exercise love.

We can exercise grace and then we approach someone after seeing we sit down so he Steve, you were having lunch the other day and you were looking down at your phone and in a felt like. Here's what I saw I saw you three or four times a comparably real I think. I think I counted three times when you were looking at your phone and we were talking and in and in. It made me feel this. And so this is where I am. Could you could you give me some feedback and I think that's where as we engage you ask me before the break.

What are some things that we can do to engage with folks in it with skill and I think again we first see them through the eyes of Christ. If we need to pray about that situation.

Make sure that our emotions are in check as they need to be maybe take some time to write down that your email and I'm gonna get our story, but when we sit down with someone we don't begin with, that the frustrations we don't begin with the emotions. We begin with what's observable. What did I see what could I measure.

In other words, what are my facts so it's important not to over emote upset you eat the what wisest thing you can do is make sure that your emotions are in control and again that's where you take the time to prepare yourself to what really is bothering you because me talking to the person here's what I saw and there's a difference between saying you know you ignored me three times versus you look down at your phone three times will that's observable right right as opposed to assuming why I did that and so they just really simple judgment was a Manama Unum ascribing motive you are, but it's important when you're engaging with someone in that way that you tell them where you're at, because if if I'm confronting you over this issue. You may be thinking will know slot why you what with the public good over right we read, we were just hanging out so I have to be honest, this is where that hundred percent honesty key is so important that I say look, I saw you look down three times and it it it's making me believe that it's led me to believe that you just don't value you are ignoring me you don't value in this matter fact, this is now the fourth lunch. We've had when I've seen you do that could here's here's the key question.

Can you help me understand am I seeing this right or not to give the other at the opportunity and then why do you think we struggle so much with giving the benefit of the doubt.

My wife and I it's a great question. Go negative so quickly me doing what I do on the air five days a week. I'm so skeptical and then I just had little conflict resolution and my son the 25-year-old who lives out in a separate school called me out on it yesterday based on the text message earlier in the day, and he felt really belittled by what something that I've said in and I'm like well that's because I think you're too trusting and I'm really skeptical. On the other end of the thing, but I had it took me a while to actually give full consideration to the way I made him feel and actually but it took guts for him to call me and say I want to talk to you about our interaction earlier today but but we do tend to go negative so quickly yeah and and just we don't get the benefit of the doubt. It went what happens in and in a nano second and and that's where our filter. That's why it's so important that we continue to process our lives through God's word and stay close to Jesus and walk through moments and seasons of healing in our own lives. I remember one of my pastors. His wife was was just talking about they had been in ministry and in senior pastoring for 30+ years a timeout number exactly, but I remember her saying something.

She said you how I keep my hearts pure before the Lord and soft before the Lord, toward people. She said every time there is a response to church every time there's an altar call every time I hear I always respond. I always put myself out there and in and intentionally engage with the Lord. And so as we as Christians and as we stay close to the Lord in our daily walk with him, asking him to probe our hearts and and here's it. And this is a great point, the things that frustrate us those assumptions that we make if we can slow down enough to evaluate them.

Take inventory of the we can begin to find oh those are the places in my pastor those of the things that I went through that I'm now projecting on you and so those relationships again with with brothers and sisters in Christ, and this really is circular is in it. If we can't be honest then I can sit down with you and say so.

He Steve Ives like you've come to jump to a few conclusions. Let's let's talk about that yet. What's going on. That's what it means to be brothers in Christ means the back part of the family of God. I need that from maybe if we were in relationship enough. We were able to say to someone. Hey, I invite you into this place in my life. I realize what a vulnerable place that can be and I understand that you're putting yourself out there.

The risk is to be taken advantage of.

You will be hurt that that's what we need to be with when I heard TD Jakes one say that he went to the doctor's office and he said I walked into my doctor had the flu and he said I couldn't believe it.

He said how can a guy who is supposed to be a medical professional, get sick, he said. But here's the point. My doctors allowed to get the flu and keep his job as a pastor I'm not allowed to walk through difficult things and keep mine. While it was really interesting observation. But as Christians. If were able to to walk in grace with one another and then not drop our friends because they're walking through a hard time or they've made mistakes are going through things and that that really requires us to get outside of ourselves and these relationship you have such a great point in the know it now, what about the notice I'm here the John Maxwell will have you ever spent time with people who never admit they're wrong.

Yes, which is painful.

Nobody's perfect. But someone who thinks he is does not make an ideal teammate is wrongheaded to allow his great conflict and and in the last segment I want to walk to the rest of Connie's concrete steps we can take ones were trying to resolve conflict, but with this type of person and and they never admit they're wrong. I have a few of these people in my life and I tend to just go what's the point. It's not other people have tried it. I've seen nothing occur.

I see no change. I see no fruit so you know what, I'm just going to suck it up buttercup and deal with it and just got it get over it on a look at this person, like their handicap and that's it. I'm not to engage the conflict.

Now I know over time. It's hard my heart but is there is there ever a time where that's actually a healthy boundaries for you just cut up stop I hear you're coming from and and and there certainly are situations of maybe physical, emotional, spiritual abuse yeah will you be really putting yourself at risk.

Love your neighbor as yourself. The guy never tells you don't love yourself, but my right, but my general answer would be no and here's why. Because I think and I'll just be honest about my own life. Like I in in its out of pride and judgment on the-ism can write off those folks and here's what I say to myself, well, I mean a look how they're acting a conversation with them like in a go anywhere. It's not can help any right and so there we are.

We've already pass judgment right and we've avoided the conflict. Once again yeah and then then we hardened our own heart exactly got only got to get in there on that one. I'll take care of myself all hard. My own heart. So that's very challenging, the rest of the path you're in the conflict to get your emotions under control. You prepared in advance. You have to stay with things that are observable. Don't draw illusions, how to get through this successfully will benefit that we can look back at the biblical theology Thursday at four. Take a look and walking conflict. Reconciliation of the heart of the gospel supposed to be the heart of our relationship with one another. Whether were talking about dealing with each other. Send a PC brothers and you go and confront them lovingly and make sure that you and I can get yourself in hot water as well. God doesn't want your your big check on Sunday. If you've got an unresolved conflict with your brother or sister or whoever he said set that down before you even bother giving me anything because he doesn't need your money. He'd much rather see us reconciled one another. So dealing with conflict, which we all have to do a lot of us avoid it or we just you know set up a boundary like the cab that said earlier chat slot is here in the studio. If it's somebody that's spiritually, emotionally, or even prepped.

We will deftly worse. Physically abusive. That's a boundary and I can walk in the back right, but with everybody else. We need to engage. We need to be honest we need to be prepared to file the Holy Spirit like like Jesus with the rich young ruler who loved him before he said anything tough to him. So word now or in there so were just going to finish up with some practical things you mentioned communicating effectively. That's part of having your emotions under control because I think another thing we do. Chat is well understood. I just gotta get off my chest. I know Mike what you're doing is trying to make excuse for grabbing bit woozy.

I just gotta get this out so you don't so it so it communicate anything on that committee gaining effectively as we walk through these, practical steps absolute will first of all I and you said it really well. We need to understand and remember. If there's one thing we can communicate today as well. It would be for people not to see conflict is always being bad and destructive.

It it it is if we we could see conflict as an opportunity to deepen my relationship with someone else. Everything changes. There's a point of tension great. Here's a moment when we can get to know one another better. I can get from myself but I let God. Certainly in this situation, and so we always begin by caring for the other person first week we put our heart out there and will always lead with our heart.

I remember a couple times in some employment situations of the advice that I got especially in Christian settings with brothers and sisters that I could. I can rely on to two to put God first is to start with my heart. You don't start with the you know that the request but just put it out there and do an LBP look I want to want to strengthen our relationship. I value this I don't want to lose this with you ever not talking about walking away from when you have to confront people. This is interpersonal conflict that working to come up with direction right now one on one. It's a situation you're in.

It's not a call out evil for evil.

I'm in a go go you know if confront one another with sinful things, but were in it were trying to communicative effectively of our emotions under control any other things. Practically, that we really need to focus on as we try to work through it. I think so. Creating a culture in our homes where this is the expectation crating a culture in our workplaces. If you have a position of leadership, or you can control the environment on your team that you're leading it doesn't have to be a church. This is what I can work home anywhere but the expectation is that were going to sit down and resolve things in a mature way and and there are times we need to cool ourselves down so we need to take a few minutes and say hey you know I need to come back in 20 minutes. I need to come back tomorrow and resolve this wishy week with you and then in those moments that we've given ourselves to allow emotions to cool down really walk through hard to get us to where am I coming from what's what's most important for for parents out there to understand that you are your training your children to be successful in their future marriages and workplaces. The board can they handle. You talked about that the devices and texting these things we we are responsible as moms and dads to teach our kids and to model in my my wife reminds me of this often were more know what believe it or not. Believe it or not, shot her spoiler alert as she. She does a great job of reminding me and I need to be redlined right and I want my son how devastated what I be at times if I saw my son treating his future wife the way that unfortunately my wife and I treat one another at times is terrible and I don't want to end and why think if we planned and this is something especially in in in relationships and in business. This can be, but also personally that were sitting down on it regular enough basis with an expectation to come to work through things is this is this works really well in a in a work setting in a professional environment when you're not just using a sit down, talk to have you know to have conflict with someone another treasure union every time you schedule a meeting. It's not because you have something negative you need to share about their performance or whatever, but you're preparing in advance planning in advance. Sit down tomorrow at regular interval were just hanging out. So again if work for brothers and accountability were working through things just friends if we plan to hang out every couple weeks were having coffee will and I know I don't have to to draw you away at another time. I can just wait for that monument have myself prepared and end it really seems to to set us up for success long-term in those relationships very good at this generally comes up on him having these conversations and will say well that the Bible tells you. Don't let the sun go down on your anger, so I have to put your ear son, your daughter, your spouse, your mother, your father, whatever that that we cannot go to bed tonight until we resolve this what's going flies in the face of you might need to take some time to be in prayer to calm yourself down to get control of your emotions do we have to deal with every conflict right what happens actually not know but we can't do is just we can't walk away without making a plan to come back. That's what damages relationships, especially in marriages.

You need to take a pause, you need to make a plan. Say let you know what, I'm not in place right and talk about this right now but if we can come back tomorrow or in a couple days or even in a couple minutes. Just let me cool down.

Let me go, pray, prepare my heart really find out what's bothering me, that makes a big difference and we talked about the Genesis account earlier Adam and Eve wanted to hide themselves.

They wanted to stay hidden. They did not want God to find them because of their shame and God would not allow it in his love and I love again. The way that he begins at what was the first question he says to Adam and Eve.

He asks them where are you yeah it's this idea of restorative inquiry he doesn't begin to lay into them. He goes to them personally. He seeks them out without delay he doesn't lecture them but he begins to dialogue with them not triangulating it says to you, to the man to the woman to the service of God addresses them individually.

Specifically, but he said asks them a question, where are you. What if we began some of these conflict resolution moments in our own lives and relationships with our spouses with our children by just saying hey what's going on. This is what I see. This is what I heard. It's leading me to believe a beer.

See help me understand what what's going on with you. Where are you when I flip the script.

Here we have about four minutes left. Let me flip the script. What if a how do I handle it.

How should I handle it if there's a conflict and's and somebody else's initiating their coming to me. In this case. Your example the hasty you Looking at your phone below. How should I handle it.

One when I'm the one being kinda confronted. I'm not the one walking in and they were to have this conversation with somebody coming to me and St. Steve when you talk with the same skill set as active come to me and you've begun to address those issues in me in your confronted me on something I can say I can sit back and say yes, even in the last five minutes I heard you say three times that I'm a jerk you need me to believe that you think I'm a big jerk it up so I think we were able to respond in the same way.

But again, that's were walking in the Holy Spirit walking in grace and were not always can handle those things well. So when we don't we go back and were making that apology were taken at a part of who we are responding to the conviction of the Holy Spirit in our lives, valuing people and value our obedience before the Lord, walking God. You modeled this for me. If Jesus had reached out to me Steve if if if Jesus had left me to hide in my own shame. I would still be lost would never know he that's right so the least that I can do for those that he also died for right you you and I are of equal value is are both made in the image of God and Jesus paid the same price for both of us so I need to value the same way.

I value myself.

You said earlier, we we love others as we love ourselves we see people through the eyes of Christ really changes things got really change a thing. So should it when we would we sit down to resolve a conflict should our goal be okay. Nobody's leaving this room until we reconcile or should we allow ourselves a process that's good. I don't think you need to resolve everything in and you're not going to likely resolve things in the first conversation in Matthew 18 when Jesus tells his disciples to go tell your brother your fault. If he doesn't listen bring someone else to hold you accountable. Then share with the church and then treat them as an unbeliever, which means hey you're trying to win them back to the Lord anyway. So there is this understanding Jesus knew we wouldn't be able to fix it on the first try. Every time but we need to have something that were holding one another accountable to. So at the end of of of a of a conversation like that were having this this dialogue between us. If we can't resolve when you soak it you know we haven't ever resolve this. That's obvious what would that look like working to resolve it today.

So I'm in a go home and would begin with what I'm in a deal right amok and tell you what to do right going to get home. I'm in a pray this through again and I realize I heard you say ABC in the summer to go home and to pray through that I'm in Ascot about it to search my own heart.

Can we get together in three days. What can I call you on Tuesday and we set some sort of of specific plan in place to do get back together in advance the conversation to advance that dialogue.

That's how we show value to the other person might just gonna walk away from you and not just gonna throw Ellen's up you this whole thing will agree to disagree. I don't I don't buy into that. I think we can bring through dialectic understand me to come to a new understanding that we never had before, rather than just say what you know I'm right.

Are you think you're right and it's it's our own personal truth. There's there's not going to be resolution on the other side of reconciliation. There's always a deeper, more beautiful relationship. Yes, always yes and that's the way we tend of learning, God stays with us in the think patient process. But that's up there so many great points in such a great conversation will will deftly continue the conversation after and just remember you need to seek peace and pursue it. Scripture say and that takes effort to seek self-effacing humility and it takes patience and kindness and a whole Lotta love conflict don't look at it as something to run away from something best in terms of reconciliation and that God's going to some special working Slot. Always great to have you think.

Thank you so much, very welcome will be back tomorrow. This is Steve Noble in the Noblesville, God willing, I'll see you then.

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