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How Can Multi-Generational Families Live in Peace?

The Christian Perspective / Chris Hughes
The Truth Network Radio
May 20, 2022 5:30 am

How Can Multi-Generational Families Live in Peace?

The Christian Perspective / Chris Hughes

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May 20, 2022 5:30 am

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Connie Albers and Chris Hughes talk about the unique challenges that families face when adult children live at home and older parents move into your house.

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Hello, this is Will Hardy with ManTalk Radio. We are all about breaking down the walls of race and denomination. Your chosen Truth Network Podcast is starting in just a few minutes. Enjoy it, share it, but most of all, thank you for listening to the Truth Podcast Network. Multigenerational living.

You ever thought about that? Well, we're going to talk about it today on Family Friday, and of course Connie Albers, my co-host. She's the expert on everything to do with family, and she's going to tell us a lot today about what multigenerational family living is like and what we can do within our own families.

Of course, we always want to find ways to bring our families closer to each other and closer to God, so you're going to want to be listening today, call your friends, and tell them it's Family Friday. Connie Albers is on today, not just boring Chris Hughes. We've got Connie, like every Friday, you want to mark your calendar every Friday to be here with Connie Albers. Well, welcome to The Christian Perspective.

I'm Chris Hughes, my co-host Connie Albers is with us today. We're so excited to be coming to you from the beautiful campus of Mid-America College and Mid-America Baptist Theological Seminary. If you are looking for a place to go to school, I want to highly recommend, I mean, you need to always bathe in prayer every decision, particularly where your children and grandchildren or maybe even you if you're listening or going to school, but if you want to develop a great biblical worldview and go to a school that understands the sufficiency of Scripture, the inerrancy of Scripture, you're not going to be learning CRT or any of this other nonsense that's even made its way into many seminaries around the country today, I want to encourage you to take a look at College Mid-America. If you're later in life or you finish college and you just want to learn more about God's Word with the blessing of online learning that we have today, Mid-America was way ahead of the curve before COVID hit, but now they're even better and they have wonderful seminary programs online.

You don't have to go to Memphis or some of their branch campuses around the country, you can study right there, perhaps your own home on the internet. So I encourage you to take a look at Mid-America Baptist Theological Seminary and we want to thank our primary sponsor, the Citizens for America Foundation for making this show possible. Citizens for America Foundation is an organization that educates and trains Christians to understand what they believe and why they believe it and encourage them to develop a biblical worldview and then to take that knowledge specifically into the arena of public policy and politics so we can elect godly men and women to public office, put an end to things like abortion and the destruction of family and some of the other things that are going on and to build a society based on the Word of God and impact the culture for Jesus. And I want to encourage you to go to their website, and check out, there's an event listed on the very front page called the Culture Engagement Summit. Y'all, you do not want to miss, this is the greatest event, the largest event of its kind and really in the history of the country. It's going to be on April 30th in Memphis, Tennessee, just about 15 minutes from the airport, easy to get to, Uber taxi, Lyft, however you want to get there, you can drive to Mid-America.

It's going to be on April 30th, it's just Saturday and it's called the Culture Engagement Summit. Dr. Robert Jeffers, America's pastor, is going to be there. Great radio host and former Fox News host, Todd Starnes, firm believer and a conservative Christian, you're going to want to hear what Todd has to say about our culture today. President Trump's former chief of staff, Mark Meadows, will be there.

He is a strong man of God and has a unique insight of what's happening in the country and around the world today. Senator Jim DeMint, Senator Marsha Blackburn, more than 20 speakers and my favorite speaker, Connie Albers, our co-host here on The Christian Perspective, and I can't wait to hear what Connie's got to tell us today about God's word. Connie, I'm so glad you're here today and boy, I'm excited to hear what you're going to say.

I hope people will go to register today at Just to come here, you speak at the Culture Engagement Summit. I'm excited. Oh Chris, I'm excited too. It's going to be impactful for sure because as you and I both know, culture in America and around the world is rapidly changing.

It's been for the last couple years but definitely within the last year. You know, we're facing the two-year mark since the world faced with a virus that radically changed families, livelihood, income, cost of living, churches, how we attended churches, and so all those speakers that you have lined up for the Culture Engagement are going to be bringing their latest information of what's going on and how families and how citizens can get involved, get engaged, and push back on the culture that's trying to break down families, change how we worship the Lord, and how we engage in politics in general. So absolutely, listeners need to register, plan, get a hotel, bring a friend, make good girlfriends. You know, make it a girlfriend or a family weekend, and come. You will not be disappointed.

So I'm excited. We talked today about multi-generational living and what a great topic to discuss. It is a topic that people have often asked me about, especially as a mom of five.

All my children lived at home and I didn't think about multi-generational living. It wasn't titled this way. It was just something that our family chose to do, and so I'm looking forward to shining a light, a positive, as well as talking about the disadvantages that, you know, you've got to go into something with your eyes wide open so that you can address problems before they arise. But, you know, today as we kind of unpack what multi-generational living is and if it could possibly work for you or your family, I think listeners today are going to be a walk away going, hmm, maybe this is for our family or maybe it is something that we need to pray about. Well, Connie, it is a timely topic and our family has actually participated in this, but for those who are listening, I mean, that's a term we hear a lot.

It's a buzzword in books and, you know, different TV shows and maybe some of the Dr. Philon type shows, but what do you mean? Tell our listeners, what is multi-generational living? You know, at its core, it's basically two or more generations living together under the same roof. It's not necessarily a mother-in-law suite off the back, but literally in the same household, maybe sharing the same kitchen, living, you know, space, but that's really what it means.

And it could be something as simple as your kids living at home beyond high school, maybe they're college kids or they're trying to get their finances built up so they're living at home, or it could be elderly parents moving in with their kids for various reasons that we'll discuss in a little bit. But at the essence, that's really what multi-generational family living is and it's not uncommon. And other countries, Chris, this is commonplace. It's really an American Western tradition of, okay, 18 and out, but other cultures have been doing it successfully for centuries. It's Americans that have now caught on, and I would say even wisely, wised up to the idea that this could be a really good effective way of doing life together.

Connie, I'm so glad you wanted to talk about this today. And you know, I've traveled all over the world. For a while, we had pretty extensive ministries in India and built some orphanages there, but really since about 2011, we've done a lot of work in the Philippines, helped start 36 churches there.

And you're exactly right. Other ethnic groups and people in other countries, and particularly the Filipinos, are very, very family-oriented. You know, in the United States, like you said, you get 18 or 21, sometimes when you finish high school or later when you finish college, you know, the kids are kind of booted out. And then they don't really ever reconnect in a strong way sometimes with their parents again.

But that's not the way it is in many other countries. So that's one of the good things about legal immigration, where people have come into the United States, is one of the good things that many of these other cultures have brought, and it's not just in the Philippines, in Hispanic and Latin countries and others around the world, particularly like in, you know, South America and others, there's this strong connection that your parents always have a tremendous influence on your life. I'm not saying that arranged marriages are the, you know, my daughter was friends, daddy, no, don't pick my husband.

But you know, in India, a lot of times when we were there, many of the pastors I knew, their parents, because they trusted their parents to find a godly spouse for them many times. And again, I'm not suggesting don't y'all don't get nervous. Don't start emailing me. Don't blame Connie. This is Chris talking but and we're not talking today about picking spouses, but I'm just saying the parents had a great influence. Well, Connie, you didn't know this.

I'll share a story. I'm eating into your time here. But we've lived this on both sides. I mean, my kids are like yours are now, you know, gone.

They're there in college. But during COVID, they both came back. So a family that didn't intend to necessarily, although I love having the kids back, didn't intend to serve the multi generational living in that sense. Both our kids had to come back and many of the families listening I know, and I don't know if that's part of what you tend to talk about today.

But you know, they face that. But when we moved to North Carolina in 2014, we knew my parents and Vicky's parents were getting older. And so when we were looking for our final home, you know, where we hopefully would never have to move again, we wanted a home that at some point understanding that our parents might need to live with us. Basically, so what's our house, we live in the mountains, and in the mountain area, a lot of places around the country don't have like where you live in Florida, I don't think y'all really have basements that much where you live.

You might, but but anyway, where we are, pretty waterlogged. But where we are, a lot of people have basements. So we found a home that we were really blessed, where basically, there's two houses on top of each other that you know, there's a separate kitchen and all that downstairs. And so eventually, my parents moved in, but it created some challenges, because culturally, you know, United States, that's not traditionally how it's done. So we had to learn some things.

So I'm hoping today, you can share with us where we can learn about other families. So sometimes there's cultural issues. How do other cultures learn to live together? Because it's a challenge. Oh, you know, that's so true. And the fact that you were just mentioning how your home was set up in a certain way with a house on top of a house, that's a great example of how families that think in that mindset, hey, there one day mom and dad are going to live with us or I want to be able to have a space for when my kids become adults. Maybe we're trying to encourage debt free living.

And you know, you and I both know what our children are facing this being able to afford a house Chris is really difficult, especially in this market. And the idea of designing a home with that in mind is actually wise if you're if you're if you're forward thinking in that because you're setting yourself up for less conflict and greater ease and maybe not such a radical change in your lifestyle. Because as you were saying, when your children go away, you know, they move out, then they like you and Vicky, you adjust and you start this empty nest life.

And it's a life that doesn't involve your kids and your kids schedules and maybe even planning dinners or anything. It's, hey, what do we want to do, it becomes more us and not as a family unit. But when the children come back, which is many, many, many times, the case, the boomerang kids and shortfalls and financial issues. But, you know, as we come back from the break, let's dive deeper into that, because I know we're up on a break right now. Yep, let's do so folks, we're talking today about multi generational living.

It's something that's becoming more common in the United States. Connie Albers with me today, like every Friday, we're talking about what it is and how we can adjust to the kids family and not kill each other, but love each other because God intended that as a family. Stick around, we'll be right back.

Or the causes you care about. Explore Christianity's most treasured religious sites like the Wailing Wall, the Dome of the Rock and the Via Dolorosa. Walk with Chris through the winding alleyways of Nazareth's old city and visit ancient Bethlehem, the place of our Savior's birth. Float in the Dead Sea, visit the Sea of Galilee and the Jewish fortress of Masada. See firsthand where the events of the Bible took place. Touring Israel with Dr. Chris Hughes is a travel odyssey like no other. Visit and get ready for an unforgettable trip and memories that will last a lifetime.

Motherhood, Faith and Life with confidence and joy. History was made on today's date. Stay tuned for an American Minute with Bill Federer. This day, May 20th, 1927, at 7.52 a.m., one of the greatest feats in aviation began as Charles Lindbergh departed Roosevelt Field in New York in his silver monoplane named the Spirit of St. Louis. Thirty-three and a half hours later, he landed in France, completing the first solo flight across the Atlantic.

At 25 years old, he was decorated by the President of France, the King of England, and President Calvin Coolidge. At the Institute of Aeronautical Sciences, Lindbergh stated, it was not the outer grandeur of the Roman, but the inner simplicity of the Christian that lived through the ages. This has been an American Minute with Bill Federer. For a free transcript, call American Minute at 1-888-USA-WIT. Welcome back to Christian Perspectives. Chris Hughes, Connie Ivers and I are here today talking about multi-generational living around the world. A lot of people plan to have their parents live with them and even their children live with them. But for some reason in the United States, that has not been something that's happened in our culture. But we're starting to see more of it as homes are more expensive and COVID kids were sent back. And just before the break, Connie was talking to us about how other cultures learn to live together.

It's a challenge, Connie, I can tell you for us. I mean, I love my parents and all, but you get used to your way of living and, okay, so I'm going to be gross here. Guys might be used to walking around in your underwear and you can't do that anymore.

You're like, Crenson, why did you even say that? I mean, that sounds like a simple thing, but the way you dress and the way you live at home, the food you eat, I tell you, that was a big challenge because we had dietary changes. Sometimes not only older people, but other people eat differently than you eat. And we tried to have supper together and they were living with us. There are a lot of challenges, not just culturally, but food and diet and how much time.

That was another thing, Connie, where people wouldn't get their feelings hurt. How much time do you have to spend with? Does your family unit get to spend time alone or does everything have to be done with them?

Those are all important elements that we need to consider. If that is a direction that we feel God's calling us to do, and frankly, I'll go out on a limb here and say, I think that's a biblical model of families doing life together. It doesn't mean your kids are always going to live with you because we certainly don't want our children like failure to launch or anything. But when we paint a picture for our kids, as we model what doing life looks like, it may mean your kids coming back.

It might mean having your parents live with you temporarily, like I had. I moved my mom and her husband in with us when my mother got ill. And I viewed Chris as an opportunity to teach my kids how to honor our elders and how to put them, because in scripture, God never tells us not to honor our father and mother. It doesn't end just because of a numerical age. We always honor our parents. It doesn't mean we treat them like children. We honor them.

The role that they place in our life and the value that God places on them. As far as our children, we want to set them up to succeed in their endeavors or everybody has a position on that. But let's dive into how do you even make this work?

And I will set the stage. As a mother of five, all of our children lived at home after high school. And I'm often interviewed about this because it seems so foreign and strange. It's like, why? Didn't you guys want to be alone? Isn't it time to kick the kids out?

I'm like, yeah. That's your goal. And your goal is to get this life that you so desire. But our desire was for our kids to want to enjoy the new life with us, want to go on vacations together, which all 10 of us just went on a vacation together with different personalities and attitudes and quirks and dietary needs.

So the things that you brought up. But here are some of the reasons why people are choosing. Especially, it came in big after World War II and then again in 2009 after the housing bubble and just prices increased again. And now we're back to that point where home ownership is difficult for young families. Getting into a home, maybe they don't have a large down payment. So they'll live at mom and dad, could be even a married couple, one of your married kids, so that they can bank money to be able to buy their own home.

That's one reason. Another reason is then you can share the cost. It's the burden of home ownership, bills, maintenance, upkeep.

All of that can be shared. And if you have elderly parents living with you, they're not going to go out and do yard work. But Chris, what they will do is maybe do some grocery shopping or maybe they'll prepare the food or they'll take care of the kids while the younger couple has to work. And so they provide the child care because child care has gone through the roof. Another thing is to help the older generation not have to pay for assisted living care, which can eat into an elder, a parent, our parent's resources. They can blow through money quickly, but if you can make it work where they live together, it saves their resources or at least extends them for a greater number of years. The other thing is their shared responsibility.

And that's not a bad thing. Learning to share the responsibilities of laundry and upkeep and maintenance, it's really serving each other and looking for ways to serve each other. And again, it pulls the family in closer because one, it curtails the loneliness that has happened over the last couple years of isolation, anxiety, depression, which can come from being alone in a single place.

But if you have a home that's bustling with people, you can share even the emotional, the physical, the spiritual upheavals that we have gone through. So as I was saying to you, all five of the kids stayed at home after they graduated and attended college. I'm not saying that's for everyone, but we wanted our children to get through college debt-free.

And if you put those costs on a spreadsheet, numbers don't lie. And it afforded my children, even though all of them had academic scholarships, it afforded them the ability to graduate college debt-free with money in the bank. And then that lent itself toward purchasing a home or buying a better car than the beater car that they had going into college. And it also gave us opportunity for conversation. So there's a slew of blessings that come when you choose to embrace that kind of lifestyle. But it's a mindset, Chris. It's a mindset of, hey, we know there's going to be a lot of give and take.

And so I would say as we come back from the breaks, I know you're coming up on a break here in just a few minutes and I want you to interject. But when we come back, we'll talk about there are disadvantages. There are some things you have to work through in order for it to work. Before we do that, Connie, I want to jump in and I want to dig in because some of those issues, I mean, I don't want us to just pass those because people are living with this.

It's becoming more common. And, you know, you've had experience, I've had experience, maybe they can learn from some of the things that we learn from so they don't make maybe the same mistakes there. But it's so important, you know, as you said, incurring debt and with older parents, they don't want to go to a nursing home. They would rather be with family.

And I know that's not always possible. But there are challenges, you know, so maybe as, you know, like with Vicki and I, you know, we were a military family coming off of our last assignment. So we were looking for home. Not everybody's going to be looking for home. But if you are, you know, you need to be thinking about even younger people that think that they're moving to their forever home. One day, you're probably going to have kids. And like you said, you know, when they go to college, they don't want to be sharing bedrooms anymore if they don't have to.

And they want a certain level of privacy. And, you know, you might be faced and I'm thankful that more American families are starting to begin to take care of their parents. You might think, well, I'd rather stick with a nursing home. Well, like Connie said, it's expensive to send somebody and you're probably going to, you know, your parents may not be able to pay for it. So that means you might have to pay for it. Well, it might be much cheaper just to bite the bullet, maybe add two or $300.

I'm not trying to encourage you to add debt, but two or $300 a month now is a lot cheaper than paying, you know, seven or 8000, which really can be that much or more sometimes for nursing home care down the line if you plan ahead and, and get a home, you know, that is ready for that. And I love what you said about helping your kids is a incurred debt. It was something I was thinking a while ago, and I'm trying to remember what I want to talk. Oh, you talked about shared responsibilities and shared costs.

And, and I don't know if we can cover that real quickly. But I know, particularly when my parents came in, people warned me, you know, you need to have and not in a bad way. So if my mom's listening, don't get mad. But just, you know, y'all need to have understandings, you know, because they've lived by themselves for years. And you and the same with kids. I mean, I mean, there was a transition, I don't know if this was your case, my expectations were different for my adult kids than they were for a 10 or 11 year old, you know, absolutely. You know, now you're in college, and you know, some of your friends are living on their own, they're paying their bills, I mean, I expect you to wash your clothes, I expect you to wash your dishes, you need to help clean the house, you know, this is your house, you know, you might need to mow the grass, whatever the expectation level, and I don't know how you feel about that, Connie. But, you know, I felt like, you know, you need to act if you're going to be an adult, you need to act like an adult.

I love having you here. But I'm trying to and it wasn't about being mean, or that I didn't want to do those duties, but they need to learn the responsibility as an adult, because at some point they are going to launch to start doing more deep. How do you feel about that?

Absolutely. I mean, when your children get married, or even if they have a roommate, they're not going to want to live with a slob, they're not going to want to have to get up in the morning and go to the kitchen and wash their roommate or their spouse's dirty dishes before they even start, you know, getting their morning coffee. It's really, Chris, just a matter of being, considering others is more important than yourself.

Our college kids or our young adults that are, you know, trying to get their feet on the ground, maybe they've had some financial woes and setbacks, but living with others is really just the act of serving one another. So I had a thing, I did not like coming down the stairs in the morning to see 15 cups on my counter. It just really bothered me because it's like, okay, I can live with some mess, but let me at least start my day with a clean kitchen.

That may not be other people's issue, but it was certainly mine. And it was an issue I truly had to continually wrestle with because other people, other of my kids didn't have the same level or care if there were, you know, if the sink was clean in the morning, they could care less and they would come in late at night. But what you said was so true, Chris, as our kids grow, we have to change and adjust. And that does not mean that they walk all over us or they set the rules of the house or they, you know, have the mandate and it's their way or else there's chaos. No, you know, I would always tell our kids, hey, the door locks from the inside and that's to keep people out, not to keep you in. And so learning to live together just means, hey, listen, this is how we are going to do it. And we established those early on, you know, hey, as you're getting older, and this happens in the teen years, not just in college, but we should be transferring responsibility of laundry, keeping the house clean, maintaining the yard, even doing repairs in a home.

That is something that we should all partake in. It shouldn't fall to just dad. It shouldn't fall to just mom. And just because you're a college kid and you're so busy, so is mom and dad. The expectation shouldn't be we're living as we were kids with complete and total autonomy and freedom. That's not real life.

Well, Connie, that's a great place to take a break. Y'all, we're talking about multi-generational living, which is a real issue in America today. Stick around. We'll be right back with more on The Christian Perspective. The United States of America has a strong Christian heritage, but most Americans don't know the truly important role that God in the Bible played in the founding of this great nation. This June, join nationally syndicated radio host and founder of the Citizens for America Foundation, Dr. Chris Hughes, for four amazing days in our nation's capital. With Chris, you'll embark on a journey of discovering the hidden secrets of Washington, D.C., and rediscover much of America's forgotten Christian heritage. Your tour will include an up-close and personal look at the nation's establishment and how it's evolved over the centuries. Learn about the government and the men who helped forge this new kind of republic, one that acknowledged the creator from its very inception.

Know the truth about the creation of the United States of America, about the faith of the founding fathers and how Christian principles were used to establish this form of government. Visit today and secure your spot to join Chris Hughes in Washington, D.C. this June. This show is brought to you by Generous Joe's, the coffee company with the Christian perspective. This is the answer that Christians and conservatives have been looking for, a coffee company that gives back to causes you care about. Order your coffee today at and even subscribe to a subscription coffee plan and never forget the coffee you love or the causes you care about. at to learn how you and your church can join and support this exciting movement.

Welcome back to Christian Perspective. Connie and I are talking today about multi-generational living really on both ends. You might have children who are out of high school or in college, maybe out of college living with you for a period of time, or maybe your parents have moved back in with you and you're trying to decide what that next step will be and how do you set boundaries for your college kids living with you again or your parents. Well we've talked about some of the advantages and really Connie we probably should do another show about this somewhere down the line and really kind of dig in because I think there's some great advice particularly since you've been through it that you can share with people out there. Even though there are advantages there's a lot of disadvantages of having your kids come back or your parents live with you. Let's talk about one is a lack of privacy. Let's talk about that a little bit. Yeah you touched on that and obviously with me having five you even talked about when your kids came back you know our kids were here and as you adjust you know their curfew gets later but that doesn't mean and you know I'm going to come back to the privacy but you know that curfew getting later and all those adjustments they go through just because you're in college doesn't mean you can come home at three, four, five in the morning or not come home at all without.

You're preaching to the choir right there. Without other people without letting other people know and here's why. We live together with other people and other people if something were to happen to you they wouldn't even begin to know where you are. It keeps them up at night and in my case you know as my kids were in college I still had younger children at home so again you have to live with one another with thoughtfulness, kindness, consideration, courtesy. You know dad and I still had to get up and go to work in the morning so if you come in at four in the morning and wake us up because you decide you're hungry and you bang around in the kitchen then maybe the little ones are going to wake up and they're not going to fall back asleep or maybe you're going to wake up mom and dad and then they're not going to fall asleep and as you get older it gets harder to sleep anyway as you know I'm just saying so that's so that's that's that's an important aspect but the privacy issue is some you you need to establish some boundaries of who's controlling the remote who's going to be in the kitchen is the kitchen like a 24-7 kitchen and there's always something happening with dirty dishes is there is there times where you know mom and dad if you're married if you're single even if you're single there's times where you just need your own space and so that privacy has to be discussed and and worked through and a common agreement needs to be made your your college kids your adult children or your married children that might be living with you they need time just them and and you know Chris it's just being aware that other people have certain needs for space for privacy for quietness so that there's some not constant noise and chaos in your home it is an issue it is something that can be a big disadvantage if you have people that are being inconsiderate living with you and that has to be addressed because what can happen Chris is you hurt and harm the very relationship you were trying to build and protect well that was uh something so you're like stepping all over my toes today this is all hot and fresh with me because you know my kids were going away my kids were going away from college they come back home neither my kids are really big partiers or go out a whole lot anyway but particularly with one of my children and I won't tell you her name now I'm in trouble but she's like well dad you know you didn't know and I'm addressing the issue you said of let just letting us know when you're coming home you know she it's like well you know when I was away for college and I was with a thousand miles away you weren't keeping track of where I was every minute well actually I had a tracker on her phone but that's a whole nother that's a whole another show but she's like you know I'm an adult and you know sometimes that's hard as parents you know yes you're an adult but I would encourage our our college students or you know children who come back um it's it's not about well I mean I guess it could be but I in the case of most parents it's not about controlling you like you said Connie you know this is our one you know it's our house if someone opens the door in the middle of night and you hear it close you know if you're in a dead sleep and you've been used to living alone for a while you don't know if a robber or whatever's come in the house but you still worry about your kids you know and and that's something a child doesn't understand it never goes away and and you know like I told her yeah well you didn't know that every Friday and Saturday night even though I didn't know where you were I spent hours with my niece praying you know that you were safe and so you know just so for a college kid your parents aren't trying to control but just out of courtesy you know hey mom I think I'm probably going to be out to one in the morning just want to let you know you know I'll be coming around one that's not a control thing guys just let your parents know it just we worry about you because we love you it's not about control we love you and we just want to know you're safe and so you could remove a lot of tension I think a lot of tension Connie comes at least you know in our house did and then you know mine weren't going out all the time but you know they've been away for a while you know in the case of mine in college and then came back after COVID we're even so I'm living this right now as we record the show I just drove up to visit my daughter right last night and she's in the middle of finals right now and she has been harassing me all week well when you come and when you come in I'm like you know don't worry about I'm not going to bother you she's like well I need to know because I you know she feels like she needs to spend time with me and then she also needs privacy because she needs to study for her finals and you know once she explained that you know I'm like you know why are you so worried about then I understand okay you're in finals and and I was bringing two dogs with me and she's like you know I can't have the dogs work and I really need to study well just that little bit of communication I now know to give her privacy and I understand why it's not a personal side against me you know so it a lot of that goes on I don't you know probably nobody out there listening cares but but there are issues when your kids come back and live with you and and there are disadvantages that's exactly right you know mine didn't go away to college but I you got to get as a parent you've got to remember how you were and maybe that's what makes parents so afraid they do remember what they were like in college and they want to you know keep their kids from some of the same woes or consequences that they face that we face but you want to remember your children are going towards something their their future is ahead of them and we want them to be excited we want them to to to somewhat be fearless and and they're naturally going to be excited we're we're kind of saying goodbye to something that was very familiar to us and that was that the sweetness of those younger children or the deep conversations or knowing their every move there's a real transition happening between mom and dad and those kids and if we stop to consider their need and just say hey you know I I'm like you said I'm not trying to cramp your style I'm trying to invade your space I just need a little I just need a few moments of connectedness and then you know you can have like the whole week but even though ours didn't do that your kids especially your adult children they're very very social I will say this we implemented curfews it wasn't that they had a nine o'clock curfew that would be unrealistic or even 11 o'clock curfew your kids should be taking responsibility so you know for example if they have a 7 a.m class then uh it's not going to take too many late nights for them to realize man if I you know if I don't show up for class I'm going to miss something and probably bomb the test there is some natural consequence to life but ours had a curfew and it was a it was a reasonable curfew for a college age student and again it's because we're not forcing you to live here we're helping you you're an invited valuable part to our family but dad and I don't stay up all night long nor do we get up well I actually do get up at five in the morning but I don't go up I don't get up at five in the morning and wander around down the hall with a pot and a spoon banging it so that I can wake everybody up we'll consider it so we want to be mindful of what their needs are like like your your sweet daughter was like she was nervous what is what are dad's expectations and Chris I think that's something we want to talk about is how do we set and manage those expectations establish the the rules for the most part like what are the rules and the boundaries we're going to set so that when that child does move out or when when our situation changes our relationships are stronger and not fractured that's so important because we do want to have that continuing even a closer relationship but but that relationship looks completely different as you become hopefully friends with your kids and I you you and Tom have been very successful at making that happen well it's just it's fun I love being able to share ours wasn't the only way or maybe even the right way but I want to invite parents to consider the option consider the possibilities of what your family can look like now obviously you know Chris your kids had a specific degree they were seeking and as is a lot of families and that's when you're that's going to require their children going away to a college that takes them from your city from your house some kids especially first-borns or those those children that are just wanting to embrace the world they want their space and they want to get out of mom and dad's house not because they don't like mom and dad but they're ready to take on the world well that's okay too there's not one right way but there may be times when you all are all back together again you can make it work and it can be a beautiful experience doesn't mean it's easy but as you know as a married couple you have to learn to die to yourself you can't live a selfish life nor and we're not supposed to we are really supposed to serve others and that doesn't mean be doormats and that doesn't mean to be taken advantage of you know our adult kids living at home doesn't mean they should do all the work and you know we just sit around no we're now transferring that responsibility because we are all adults and we do have different habits and routines and preferences like your daughter she needs quiet when she's got to study and if she were to be living at home as ours were i had some that they had to have music on they couldn't study without it i had some that they just had to have space they could not deal with a lot of people they had to have space and and they were given that space and it was something that we had to intentionally and i think that's the thing as we you know discuss this in the next segment you know what does that look like when you have to give space and defer to your own wants and preferences and when do you need to insist on your wants and preferences because either or is not totally right or totally wrong it's not wrong to voice your needs and it's not wrong for your adult children or even your parents to voice their needs well connie let's take a quick break and we'll come back in the final segment let's talk about that because that is something you need to consider as you merge together as a family stick around folks we'll be right back with more family friday a brand is a design name symbol or any other feature that sets an organization or individual apart bringing that brand to life can be difficult but digs design is here to help you take that next step or re-energize your current situation we can handle logos social media graphics cards weddings clothings prints photo editing and much more give us a call today at 704-984-2432 or connect with digs design on social media in a world crowded with viewpoints and voices critical condition after asa i believe the message of this financial problems only one voice matters gods at the college at mid america and mid america seminary we equip leaders to think from a biblical world view online or on our memphis campus check out the college at mid america and mid america baptist theological seminary at and be equipped to light the way this show is brought to you by generous joe's the coffee company with the christian perspective this is the answer that christians and conservatives have been looking for a coffee company that gives back to causes you care about order your coffee today at shop generous and even subscribe to a subscription coffee plan and never forget the coffee you love or the causes you care about do you desire to build family relationships that stand the test of time does creating a godly family seem like a daunting challenge you're not alone i'm connie albers author of parenting beyond the rules and host of equipped to be as a mother of five i understand your struggles for 35 years i have been helping families just like yours build lasting relationships i'd like to invite you to tune in to equip to be and visit where i share useful tips and proven strategies to help you navigate the seasons of motherhood faith and life with confidence and joy the united states of america has a strong christian heritage but most americans don't know the truly important role that god in the bible played in the founding of this great nation this june joined nationally syndicated radio host and founder of the citizens for america foundation dr chris hughes for four amazing days in our nation's capital with chris you'll embark on a journey of discovering the hidden secrets of washington dc and rediscover much of america's forgotten christian heritage your tour will include an up-close and personal look at the nation's establishment and how it's evolved over the centuries learn about the government and the men who helped forge this new kind of republic one that acknowledged the creator from its very inception know the truth about the creation of the united states of america about the faith of the founding fathers and how christian principles were used to establish this form of government visit citizens for america today and secure your spot to join chris hughes in washington dc this june welcome back to the christian perspectives chris hughes connie and i are talking about multi-generational living what does it look like when your kids come back home live with you or or they're just adults and living with you or maybe you bring your parents back to live under your roof how do you negotiate some of these things connie you were talking about figuring out how to make it work what are some of the things you suggest okay the first thing i suggest is discuss the scenarios like if if something happens if you get your feelings certain you brought that up earlier if someone gets their feelings hurt because let's say you i am a very i am an extrovert and i live in a home of introvert so my desire to wake up in the morning is genuinely i want to see everybody and say good morning how was your how did you sleep what's your day going to look like but i live with a house of i lived like all my kids but one and even my husband they wake up in the morning and they don't want to talk they certainly don't want to discuss their day they need time so you have to be aware of that you've got to discuss each person's needs like a true need and then where can we give some mornings just go with it just say good morning mom what are you doing today humor me um all that takes is a little bit of awareness and conversation if you feel so you want to discuss those scenarios uh chris and then how are we going to resolve them i don't advise brushing it under the rug i mean we don't want to stuff but we just we also don't want to verbalize everything that comes into our mind and let it come out our mouth because that's not always wise either we want to pray we want to pray and ask the lord to help us find areas of unity find areas of togetherness find areas where we need to be sensitive to the needs of others those are all biblical principles chris those are not um something new it's laid out in scripture um we want to define and discuss what the expectations are and and if you've got elderly parents what are those expectations well that your elderly parents as i and you have probably experienced they can be very demanding and extremely time consuming they could all you know require you to be with them and talk with them and sit with them meanwhile you've got work to do you know my husband and i both work out of our home uh have those conversations i had to have them with my mom that i wasn't always available that i had to have blocks time blocks where i had to get work done and i would let them know ahead of time this is this is the plans for my week i won't be able to be with you on this day because i will be traveling or i have this happening but i will be back here and i will take you to the doctor or i will do those things so you're probably hearing me say we have to set those expectations and lay them out and then constantly work on tweaking them which takes you know intentionality and then you have to decide who's going to do what you all only do your laundry like your bed sheets or your laundry okay who's going to take care of the laundry that's that happens just from doing life together in one home you know the kitchen towels or the this towel or yeah who's going to do that who's it going to fall on well that's that's shared and and we discuss it and we realize no it's a community and we're going to pitch in sometimes if mom and dad are super stressed they're going to need whoever's living there to kind of pitch in maybe if it's your elderly parents they're doing those things as their contribution and vice versa and there are times when your kids like your daughter is under the gun with college like if it's finals week i would intentionally have food available it didn't mean i made breakfast lunch and dinner but if i knew they were specifically stressed well food is extremely important to good test taking skills general health clear brain function so i would make sure i would build that into my day and you want to exercise grace a lot of grace and patience that goes a long way and just remembering your way some people have family members that you know they're right they've thought it through and this is the right way and they're living with people that well that's your way that's not mine and that doesn't mean we're talking about relativity it just means we have to be flexible and realizing that that is probably the right way to change a tire but other people might do it a little differently and the tire will still get changed or the yard will still get mowed or you know all the different things that we have to do and some kids want to make it fun and others want to just get it done so we have to remind each other that god made us different with unique gifts strengths and talents and that each of us contributes something to the overall health and well-being of our family you've covered so many things are running through my mind as you're giving these i think what do you think i'm so dumb i can't remember everything that's coming but i want to cover some of the things you touched on just uh because folks it's something you do have to think about before you go in i mean the simple thing like connie was talking about sharing responsibilities and i'm going to be in so much in trouble in my family connie over the show but because i share as i share some stories here but i seem to do that to you every week yeah you know i'm gonna really get in trouble today usually it's just my kids i can get by it with them my mom's gonna get mad at me today but uh but with the kids and laundry for example like you said i mean sometimes college kids don't think well you know other people in the house have dirty laundry but i don't have something to wear to go out friday night so i'm going to wash my clothes you know and you know my opinion as i've told the kids if you're going to fill up the washing machine with water you know ask you know other people might have something that needs to be washed too so that it's simple little communication things but laundry can become an issue you know sometimes it backs up because somebody might have an emergency they need something for work or class or school or whatever and the same with you know dishes and cooking with my parents my mom is a great cook and i wanted my kids to have the chance to experience um you know okay i'm not i'm not saying if icky's listening i'm not saying she can't cook and i certainly cook but but my mom's a great cook you know and and so when they moved in that was a way that i felt like my mother to contribute but would be a blessing um you know to my kids because they get to see because i think that you know kind of you know that i think about food all the time uh you know i love to eat i love to cook to me cooking and food is a social thing it's a it's you know i love having 70 people from church come over which scares ricky to death it's a social thing for me um but i also you know we're from the south a lot of southern traditions and foods are being lost and and so i wanted you know my my kids to know what a real homemade biscuit tastes like not a frozen one or one out of a can um you know i'm not saying vicki did that but we did we did do that but you know i wanted my mom makes a mean biscuit she makes great gravy you know those are things you need to learn they're not difficult but this is cool so i wanted you know my kids to learn how to cook some food and stuff so when my parents came that's one thing that i asked is mom could you cook supper every night but so that was you know like you said kind of preset expectations but connie what happened was um there came a point where that was really beginning to be too much for her you know and and we didn't necessarily i mean cooking you know cooking for six people and she had some health issues and um so you got to be sensitive to those things even if you set expectations my mom loves to to have flowers so we'd you know before they ever came we designated in you know this is you know you do anything you want this section of the yard it's yours and you know certainly you can do other things but we're not going to mess with this you know you can dig it up put flower beds build a waterfall i don't care you know this is yours and and and uh you know you can do anything you want there and i you know so a lot of men and women like to garden or you know my dad likes to grow tomatoes and stuff so we we preset that um and it was difficult because i don't know that they ever um we wanted them to feel at home but i don't know you know in their mind sometimes they didn't feel like they could do certain things so you need to try to make and i didn't do as good a job as i could i think was sometimes of explaining you know this is your home forever you know i want you to be able to you know you want to put what furniture you want in here you know remodel what you want to remodel i don't care you know you can do anything you want another adjustment from my experiences where people can learn you were talking about how you like to get up early and chit chat and all that i think i'd shoot anybody came down the hall beating the pot pan you know chris as we kind of wind down this episode there's so many areas we could have gone deeper in and i know parents and and your listeners probably are having more questions than answers and they'd love to know more and i'd encourage them to reach out to the show and we can maybe go deeper another time but let's just wrap it up with this you need to respect and honor others and their differences i mean that's a biblical mandate anyway but to make multi-generational living work that's a key element another is ask each other how's it going how how am i doing is there anything that that you would like to see me change or adjust we're flexible we can be flexible that's just common courtesy to other people we would do it for the neighbor so we can do it with each other and then lastly gotta decide on an exit strategy chris because sometimes it doesn't work and always if you have younger kids like college or young married that are living with you we want to always remind each other that this doesn't this isn't a permanent situation and if it stops working we'll make we'll make a change you can move out or we'll move mom and dad somewhere else but for now for this period for this season this is what god has called us to do and this is how we're going to live life and if it doesn't work well we'll change that's the beauty of choosing to embrace multi-generational living all of ours lived here for a while so they were like 24 25 years old but then chris they all did move out and life changed mother lived here and then mother lived out that's the same for your family we are fluid our families are fluid and we want to ebb and flow as the needs and our families grow and mature and connie that third point you made i just want to stress that exit strategy needs to be handled carefully because feelings can get hurt when people move out and you're going to probably end up back together again and you're still a family so you need to be careful and have lots of communication and always love each other and love god you put god first in the center of your family it's never going to be an issue well connie what a great show as always you just know so much folks if uh you can go to connie connie has so much great advice listen to our podcast every wednesday there's a new one released equipped to be she's working on another book and but you can get her books already she has and just be praying for us god's using her around the country to touch the lives of families thanks for joining us today listen every day on your favorite radio station same time and then the shows are released a podcast share with your friends and family on social media now let's go impact the culture for jesus thank you for listening the christian perspective with chris hues learn more about impacting the culture for jesus visit citizens for america foundation dot com this is the truth network
Whisper: medium.en / 2023-04-16 04:49:53 / 2023-04-16 05:12:05 / 22

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