Is Your Family A Team?

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An apologist, Christian political advocate, and author, here is the founder and chairman of the Citizens for America Foundation, Dr. Chris Hughes. Hello and welcome to Family Friday. It's always exciting to be here on Friday. I always look forward to Fridays because Friday, my co-host Connie Albers is always with me on Friday. I'm going to start trying to get Connie to come on here more often, like she has any time.

She's the busiest woman in the world. But I love it when Connie's here. But before we get in with Connie, I just want to take a moment to thank Mid-America Baptist Theological Seminary for allowing us to have the Christian Perspective Studios on their campus right here in beautiful Memphis, Tennessee. I love this area.

Last night, I was kind of doing some show prep. I went late last night to a place called One and Only Barbecue. They're a Christian on barbecue company right here in Memphis, close to Mid-America. If you've got a kid or grandkid who's thinking about going to college, I want to encourage you to take a look at the College at Mid-America. And then maybe you've reached a point in your life where you're ready to go learn more about God. You don't have to be a preacher to go to seminary. Please check out Mid-America Baptist Theological Seminary at mabts.edu. And you can learn about a great Christian institution where you can learn all kinds of things, not just preacher stuff. And the important thing is they believe in the inerrancy of scripture, the sufficiency of scripture, and you will develop a biblical worldview. And that leads in to the main sponsor of our show is the Citizens for America Foundation. Citizens for America, we're committed to helping you develop a biblical worldview. Worldview is simply the lens through which you see the world as Christians.

That lens needs to be the Bible. So I encourage you to go to citizensforamericafoundation.com. When you're there on the first page, click that button at the top of the page that says Culture Engagement Summit because on Saturday, April 30th, the biggest culture engagement event in the history of the nation will be held in Memphis, Tennessee. Some of the biggest names in the political world and in the preaching and Bible world and apologetics world are going to be there. And of course, the best expert on family issues in the world, Connie Albers, my co-host, is going to be a speaker as well. Connie, I can't wait until April 30th, and I can't wait to hear what you have to say that day. Oh my goodness, I'm so excited.

Oh man, I hope your listeners, they tell their friends, phone your friends, use social media, go tell them, find us on social media, like us, follow us, share for all tips and help, and help you get engaged in the culture that's facing you, that's actually trying to envelop you and your family. So, Chris, it's going to be exciting. It's only, what, how many days is it? It's not even, what, ten days or something? It's less than two weeks. It's less than two weeks, it's coming up. It's right around the corner, but it's not too late. Our team is going to kill me. I'm fixing to do something because I didn't let our team know. So I'm going to open the floodgates here, so if you bother to listen to Family Friday when Connie's with me, you are going to get a reward right now.

And I'm going to get in so much trouble, Connie. Here we go. Y'all go to citizensforamericafoundation.com, click on the summit button, scroll to the bottom of the page where it says register. And if you want to come, because you listened today, I'm going to give you a code. This is a one day only deal. Because Connie here, if we're not sold out at this point, if you go to that button where you go to register, at the top of the page it asks for a code. Put in capital A, capital F, capital A. Alright, so go to the promotional code area. I'll tell you again, put in capital A, capital F, capital A, and that will give you a free $30 registration to attend the Culture Engagement Summit, and it will also give you a free lunch and to hear some of the best speakers in the world. So go right now to citizensforamericafoundation.com, click on the summit button, click register on the bottom of the page, and then there's, on the top of that next page, there's an area to put in a promotional code.

This is a one-time deal, y'all. Put in capital A, capital F, capital A, and register today, and we will see you in Memphis. Wow. Connie, it's going to be big, and I just, I'm going to get in big trouble. Wow. I'm getting all that away.

Wow. Wow, I'm so excited, and if you come, if you come because you listened to the show and you got a free ticket, make sure that you come up to see me or you come to see Dr. Chris and say, hey, I heard this program and thank you so much for the ticket. We want to meet you. You need to do that, and so Connie is going to be speaking several times on stage and leading a panel, and then on the, in the second floor atrium, there's going to be, many of our speakers have books, and Connie is one of our speakers. Her book, Parenting Beyond the Rules will be there, and she's going to be autographing books, so you can get your picture made with Connie and get her book autographed, and other authors will be selling their books as well. It's just going to be a great day, Connie. I can't wait. I can't wait either. We're really going to be excited.

And, you know, kind of what we're going to talk on today is so apropos to what you focus on and what these speakers are going to be talking about. How do we get engaged? How do we make a difference? How do we not lose our families, our precious, our treasures, the gifts that God gave us through our children? How do we keep our family moving in the same direction when so many are being fractured and torn apart?

That is a trial that we face in our life. I'm sorry, I got hung up when you said treasure. As you know, Connie, my daughter, now I love my son, too, so Christian, I'm not saying anything. You know I love you with all my heart, too, but I've always called, my daughter was my firstborn, and I've always said she was, when you said treasure, it just made me think about this. You hate this every time, Connie, because I go down a rabbit trail with you.

That's okay. I was doing a show for a radio, a broadcast, actually, and the show producer met me and he says, okay, we want to go over all your show, like your book, your notes, and things like that. And I'm like, absolutely.

He goes, I have a question. Your children are all talked about, but there's only one, the one child, they're only mentioned one time. Because that child learned to stay under the radar his entire life, and the kids all laughed by that, but you know, our kids, we have, we want to have, we should have this incredible relationship with our kids, and our kids should want to have this dynamic relationship with us. And so when you talk about your daughter and how, you know, you view her as a treasure, God says children are a treasure. They are a blessing. Some days, not as much. They may have just it every now and then.

However, that doesn't change what God said to them and how we should view our kids. Vicki was sharing a testimony at church on Sunday, how it was 15 years we didn't think we could have kids, and so it really was a treasure. I mean, I don't want to get into all, you know, but it's a struggle. A lot of people out there have a hard time getting pregnant. It's a struggle.

It's a real treasure, if and when it happens. But, you know, you're talking about team today, is what we're going to talk about, how the family's a team, and when you told me, Connie, that that's what we're going to talk about, it reminded me, you know, our family was a military family, and there's a real team mentality in the military, and when you say we're talking about a family team, there's a dear family that's served with us off and on over, when I say served, you know, we were on the same base and that kind of thing. They refer to their family as team-based.

I mean, everything, the Christmas cards, the return posts. So when you said, let's talk about team today, it made me think about that family because they really embody what a team is as a family. So, Connie, I'm sorry to put you on the spot here, I'm sorry, but when you're talking about a team, what is it you kind of see?

What is a team? You know, that is great that you brought in the military. I recently interviewed somebody for my podcast, who is a military family, and my stepfather served in the military for 22 years, and I still get calls from people that he served with. They keep up with each other. So you bringing the fact that military are a family, you know, you all went through the trenches together. You're moving from base to base, place to place, country to country, school to school.

I mean, there's constant upheaval and change and culture shocks and transitions, but there's a consistent, there's something I want you as a listener to hear, and that is the consistency of people that you're doing life with. So when I talk about a team, Chris, I am not an athlete, but my husband and my children are all athletes, and they used to play sport. I live in a big city, so we have, you know, our sports teams here, and I liken it to a sports team. They wear identifiers. They wear the same jersey, uniform, outfit, you know, whatever it is, and in the military, you wear the same uniforms. It doesn't mean that you are exactly the same, Chris. It means that we are identifying as, and there's some core needs that kids have.

They're facing, they're facing, back up just a second, the culture shifting, which is what culture engagement is going to be all about, the summit, you know, there's the recent New York City subway shooting, and there's the Disney, and they built the laws that Florida Governor Sanchez has placed on there, and there's the slap heard round the world with Will Smith and Chris Rock, and there's so much beliefs and systems that are pulling our children away from what, let's say, you represent as a family. So having said that, think of a team. They're on the same team. They're playing with each other, meaning there's a point guard, basketball, baseball. You got a pitcher. You got a catcher. You got first, second, third, fourth baseman. You have your outfielders. You also have somebody on the bench. You have coaches.

You have assistant coaches. You have one that has a unified purpose, and their purpose is to run the race God has before them as a family, as a unit, as a team, with one objective, and that is, if you're on a sports team, it's to win. It's to score. It's to beat the opponent, but in a family, it's not that you're trying to beat others.

It's that you want to learn to play the game together, where you know each other's strengths and weaknesses, and you do not marginalize somebody's weaknesses, but you encourage each other's strengths. The pitcher is never going to be a great catcher. They may catch if need be, but a pitcher has a job, has a role, has a purpose, and a plan. The catcher has a job, a role, a purpose, and a plan, and frankly, you can't play the game well, at least, without the catcher or the pitcher. You need somebody on first base.

Otherwise, you're going to have constant home runs. Every one of them has to be viewed as your children are in your family on purpose, for a purpose, and we have to come together with the shared DNA, the shared last name, the same address, or whatever is binding your family together. Maybe it's you share a roof, the same roof, but it's that mindset, Chris, that we are a family that's made up of unique values, standards, beliefs, convictions, and that's what goes into making a team. Now, the difference between a team becoming a great success is how well do they play together. Do they sabotage each other, or are they there for each other? I mean, in a game of basketball, you know, my kids are all basketball players and soccer players, but in a game of basketball, you have your point guard that's out there shooting the three-pointer.

There's always somebody under the basket, and what's their goal? To catch the ball if the shooter misses the shot, and on a team, Chris, there has to be each other looking out for one another, protecting, defending, caring for, affirming, believing in. Those are all key elements of what goes into building a team. Folks, if you're listening today, we're talking about how your family can be a team, and when we come back, we're going to get into some of the positions of the team and how we can identify as a team. We'll take a quick commercial break. When we come back, Connie's going to share with us more about how your family and our family can be a team. Stick around.

We'll be right back. See firsthand where the events of the Bible took place. Visit citizensforamericafoundation.com and get ready for an unforgettable trip and memories that will last a lifetime. Do you desire to build family relationships that stand the test of time? Does creating a godly family seem like a daunting challenge?

You're not alone. I'm Connie Alpers, author of Parenting Beyond the Rules and host of Equipped to Be. As a mother of five, I understand your struggles. For 35 years, I have been helping families just like yours build lasting relationships.

I'd like to invite you to tune in to Equipped to Be and visit ConnieAlpers.com where I share useful tips and proven strategies to help you navigate the seasons of motherhood, faith, and life with confidence and joy. History was made on today's date. Stay tuned for an American Minute with Bill Federer. A gunshot at high noon on this day, April 22nd, 1889, began the famous Oklahoma Land Rush. Within nine hours, some two million acres became the private property of settlers who staked their claims. Riding as fast as they could, many found plots already taken by Sooners, individuals who had entered the territory sooner than was permitted.

The remaining land was assigned to various Indian tribes who joined together in approving the Constitution of the state of Oklahoma in 1907. The preamble begins, invoking the guidance of Almighty God in order to secure and perpetuate the blessings of liberty. This has been an American Minute with Bill Federer.

For a free transcript, call American Minute at 1-888-USA-WORK. Welcome back to Christian Perspectives. Chris Hughes and Connie Albers. We're here with you every Friday for Family Fridays talking about family issues. And today we're talking about how your family can build a team. You know, as Connie shared, we need to identify as a family, we need to identify as the same team. We need to work together for the same goals. There might be different positions. And she had mentioned, I want to share a story.

Surprise, surprise. We're talking about somebody even being on the bench. But we need to play together. We need to encourage our strengths and and help others when they have weaknesses.

And we need to find our purpose as a family team and find our unique values and beliefs and convictions and then play together. Connie, I'm a short, fat guy and I don't look like it now, but years ago I was a wrestler and anyway, that life has passed. I'm not athletic anymore. But my wife, I don't know if I ever told you, she was a three time All-American, two time All-World softball player.

So she had the team mentality. But when I was in the eighth grade, I wanted to play basketball so bad, Connie. And this when you said sit on the bench, maybe think about that. And I was terrible. The longest I played in my basketball career was was 41 seconds. But I had this girlfriend at the time that I had not been completely honest with her about my team position. And she I had made her believe that I was a star player on the basketball team, but I never played. I sat on the bench and one day I looked across the gym floor and she walked into a game and I was in big trouble. It was a church basketball team because I wasn't good enough to be on a regular team and on a church basketball team.

You know, it's for Jesus. So they have to let you be on the team. And I said all the bills and our youth pastor was our coach. So when I saw her walk in the gym, I jumped up and begged him. Coach, please put me in the game.

You like sit down. You're no good. So three or four times I jumped up and begged him to put me in the game. And finally he puts me in the game and the ball had gone out of bounds. So somebody had the ball.

They threw the ball into our team and they threw it to me. So I got a real problem now, Connie, because I don't know how to dribble and I don't know what to do. So I take off dribbling and I go turns the goal and I noticed that nobody's blocking me. I'm thinking, we got what a miracle you put me in the game right.

Sharon came in the gym. You you've given me the ball and nobody's in the path. And I can do a layup and I can score.

And I never made shots in practice or any other time. But a miracle continues. You know, like three miracles happen that day. And finally, the big miracle culminates and then I take the shot, the layup and I score.

Aren't you proud of me? The other team, Connie. I scored for the other team. The only time I ever scored in my basketball career was for the other team.

That's not the point. The point I was going to make is I had to get up off the bench and beg the coach to put me in the game. And as you mentioned in our first segment, Connie, even though we all make up a team, sometimes there's somebody in the family who is sitting on the bench and many times that's because they're choosing to sit on the bench.

And sometimes, sadly, it's parents. And we have got to get in the game and want to get in the game for our family, because we can't help the team if we're not contributing our part to it. I don't know if that plays into what you're saying.

I don't know. But I was just thinking the importance of how we have to engage in a family, all of us. But that is exactly right. What a great segue into my next thoughts on the team. You know, you did a perfect analogy about sitting on the bench. Being on the bench, you're still part of the team. And that means your role in that particular situation is not in every situation, but in one particular situation where your job is to cheer on.

Get one of the other players that's out there on the court of water or towel or, hey, that's a great job or good job, or you're cheering them on from the bench. You're still part of the team. And parents, one of the ways you build a team is to set goals. And you've got to set goals together. And you have to define those goals.

You have to define, well, who do we stand for? Isn't mom and dad just saying, okay, this is who we are, and okay, guys, clap, clap, get into, this is it. No, you want to establish the rules together with the Lord based on biblical principles, and that's a key element. Not everybody is going to have the same ability. You have to accept that there are imperfections.

There's limitations. You have to trust each other. You have to communicate like a true need.

Like you had a true need that day. You needed to get in that game, and you expressed it to the coach, and the coach put you in there. Maybe you scored for the other game, but that wasn't your intention.

You still set out to help your team. You have to have those boundaries. You have to focus on knowing each other and being consistent. When you set out rules of the game, I really want listeners to understand we have to have rules in our families.

We have to have parameters, boundaries, limits, but those rules should not rule us. And when we think about what is going on in our families and the influences that are coming on, if you want your children to listen to you, then you have to practice the art of listening. You need to listen to them.

You need to listen to what's happening in their heart, what's happening with their friend group, what's happening in their school, how they're feeling, how they're processing the world around them, because as a team, it takes a lot of practice to get good at it. And as you said, Chris, sometimes it's mom and dad. They're distracted by the cares of life. Maybe they're trying to just put food on the table or gas in the gas tank, and they're distracted by all of that. Sometimes, Chris, as I speak at a lot of teen crisis, families that are truly in crisis, the kids are not on the same team.

They're not going the same direction. Parents don't have the influence that they wish they had or even the influence that their children need. But the truth is, so much of what happens in our families is the result of our parenting. And it's not to guilt or shame a parent right now that's listening. It's to realize that we typically practice our parenting on how we were parenting.

That was the model. And I think, Chris, so often, and maybe this wasn't in your case because I've heard your story a little bit, but there's a lot of families that didn't have great models. They didn't come from a Christian upbringing. They don't know what God's Word says and who is God even.

They don't know. Children don't know how to play the game of life. They don't know how to interact with their siblings. They don't even know how to interact with mom and dad. Those are all what we teach and train, which is why in Deuteronomy, God says, teach and train your children in the way they should go.

So when they are old, they won't depart from it. You have to be diligent and faithful to teach your kids. And mom and dad, grandma, grandpa, whoever's listening, ministry worker, if you aren't actively teaching them, somebody else is. If you're not actively modeling what that's supposed to look like, Chris, somebody else is.

So, Connie, for the people that are listening, well, I think we could take this a couple different ways. Let's start with the family that's kind of just starting, okay? So you don't have teenagers yet because that's a whole different story. You're just starting your family. You have some recommendations, and I hate to put you on the spot here, but things that you think new parents can begin to do so their family will always feel like that team unit. Like I know the family I was referring to from the military, I mean, they make a big deal.

I mean, they have shirts that say Team Bays, and they all the time with their kids. And I wish that we had done this when our kids were smaller, not that we didn't always try to create a family unit. But what are some purposeful things that newer parents as they're starting their family can decide? You mentioned we need to have rules because games are played by rules. So what are some of the values or rules in a family that parents can do that will create a team atmosphere when they're beginning in the beginning? And then maybe in a few minutes after the commercial break we can talk about, you know, well, we didn't do that in the beginning, so we've got to put the team together now that we have teams.

Oh, that's great. First and foremost, pray. Pray for your kids. Pray with your kids.

Pray over your kids. Secondly, let your children know who you are and what you stand for as a family. We're a family that trusts each other. We're a family that speaks honest to each other and is honest in our dealings with one another. We're a family who believes in another. We appreciate each other. We serve one another. We care for each other.

We defend and protect each other from the bullying or whatever might come their way. When children know that there's three things that happen in a family unit that is a core need for your kids, but it's also what God has established, how God's made us, and that is children want to know where they belong. They belong in your family. God placed them there, whether adoption, foster care, through birth.

They're placed there for purpose on purpose. That your kids, that their identity is found in the family, not in the school, not in the teacher, not in the culture, not on TikTok, not on all these social media platforms. It's found within the family unit and that the family is a haven. It's a safe place that is secure.

Those are fundamentally key. So as we get ready for this next segment, I want to kind of close with this. A family is built on trust. If mom and dad, you say you're going to do something, do it. If you don't do it, give your children a reason why.

Maybe the car broke down and you weren't able to take them to basketball practice or baseball practice, or you weren't able to do something that you said you were going to do. If you say you're going to do something, do it. And make sure you're capable of doing that, which you say you're going to do.

Don't promise ballet lessons if you know there's no money for it. That doesn't build trust. Respect. Respect your children. Have your teacher children to respect you. Be reliable. Children need reliability. That's where that safety and security comes in, and your children need to know that you care deeply for them, not in how they perform, how they behave, how they get along with their siblings, how they clean the bathroom or clean whatever it is, pick up their clothes, that they're cared for and loved because who they are and who God made them to be, not from external factors. Does that make sense?

Yeah. That is such good advice, Connie. Let's take a quick commercial break and we're going to continue that line and talk about, you know, maybe if we didn't start a family as a team in the beginning, how we can regroup and form a team now.

While we're talking about how to build a family team with Connie Albers, stick around and be right back. The United States of America has a strong Christian heritage, but most Americans don't know the truly important role that God and the Bible played in the founding of this great nation. This June, join nationally syndicated radio host and founder of the Citizens for America Foundation, Dr. Chris Hughes, for four amazing days in our nation's capital. With Chris, you'll embark on a journey of discovering the hidden secrets of Washington, D.C. and rediscover much of America's forgotten Christian heritage. Your tour will include an up close and personal look at the nation's establishment and how it's evolved over the centuries. Learn about the government and the men who helped forge this new kind of republic, one that acknowledged the creator from its very inception.

Know the truth about the creation of the United States of America, about the faith of the founding fathers and how Christian principles were used to establish this form of government. Visit CitizensForAmericaFoundation.com today and secure your spot to join Chris Hughes in Washington, D.C. this June. This show is brought to you by Generous Joe's, the coffee company with the Christian perspective. This is the answer that Christians and conservatives have been looking for. A coffee company that gives back to causes you care about.

Order your coffee today at ShopGenerousJoes.org and even subscribe to a subscription coffee plan and never forget the coffee you love or the causes you care about. The Conservative Baptist Network is a dynamic movement of Southern Baptist pastors, churches and Christians committed to standing for the sufficiency of God's word in the face of a culture of compromise. The passion and prayer of the Conservative Baptist Network is that God would help Southern Baptists stay bold for the gospel so that we might see revival in America and the world reached for Christ. Visit our website today at ConservativeBaptistNetwork.com to learn how you and your church can join and support this exciting movement. Welcome back to Christian Perspectives. Chris Hughes, Connie Habers and I today are talking about family issues like we do every Friday.

Today is such an important issue. We're talking about the family unit and how your family can identify as a team. Connie's just, I've been taking notes, she's given great information. I love, a while ago she said that children need to realize that they're in their family on purpose and for a purpose. Even if they're adopted into the family, you have a purpose to be in that family.

You need to find your identity in Jesus Christ and in your family, not in social media or what kids are saying at school or TV or TikTok or something else. They need to know that their family loves them and their family is a safe and secure place. Connie was talking about how we need to be, particularly as parents, we need to be reliable. Our kids need to know that we care deeply for them and there has to be trust. I know, Connie, in our own family, because we were a military family and sometimes Vicki and I work in different places, which is not a good situation to be in, but it's a reality particularly for military families and some others around the world where the family can't always live together at that time. Vicki and I had a lot of conversations at the beginning about we need to be very careful.

A team has to have communication level as well, Connie. Particularly as parents, we need to always be in sync. I don't want there to ever be a situation in our family where I know some families where kids think, I'm going to go to mom to get one answer or go to dad and he's always going to say no.

I wanted us to always communicate the same answer. Like if the kids went to Vicki or to me, we would always say, I'm going to talk to mom before we make a decision or she'd say talk to me. And the other thing where you talked about trust and reliability, and we haven't always done a perfect job of that, Connie, but we found out very early on, and as Vicki and I kind of made a covenant with each other, is don't, and you mentioned this kind of a while ago, don't ever promise something you can't do.

Like don't tell the kids we're going to take them to the zoo on Friday and then not do it. Like I know emergencies come up, but if there becomes a pattern where you make promises to your children or even to your spouse and you don't follow through on those promises, that level of trust is gone. And once mistrust enters a family, I mean, I'm thinking about the people I'm talking to, once mistrust enters our families, it's hard to get it back, Connie.

And the team is then in jeopardy. I mean, think about a football team, if we watch these superstars on TV, and sometimes there's a big mouth, that's my words, not yours, that runs his mouth and he's not part of the team anymore, and he creates this situation where there's not trust in the team. Well, if there's not trust in the family unit, you're not operating as a family or a team anymore.

Yeah, you're not effective. You're not effective for the very purpose God created you to be effective for, and that is to shine a light for the kingdom of God in your family. Does that mean, Chris, I get this a lot, especially as I wrote Parenting Beyond the Rules, that book is specifically geared towards the teen tween years, because frankly, that's where we have the biggest struggle. It's easy when our children are little and we're building it, because let's just say we have an idea. We know where we would like to see our family go, and I know we talked about this before on the show, where you've got to cast a vision for your kids and paint a picture of possibilities, but there's a lot of families that, the picture they had when they were holding that little one, when they were teaching that child to ride a bike or tucking them sweetly into bed at night, and it was beautiful.

Yeah, they had moodiness and meltdown, but nothing compared to the murky, mysterious, marvelous middle school years. I mean, those can be tough times, and the vision gets blurry, or the dream they had, it's not actually panning out, and they can lose hope, and I know you would agree with this. God is in the restoration business.

There is, He restores the broken, He redeems what the locusts have eaten, that if your relationships are not what you want them to be, let's just say one of your children, you've broken the trust. I mean, Mom and Dad, you've done it. You've not been good for your word. You've maybe been heavy-handed when you shouldn't, and you didn't come back and say, hey, I'm really sorry, I actually was wrong.

Maybe you're the parent who always had to be right, or still does always have to be right. That's a very difficult place for a child to live and thrive in. So if that's your family, it's not over and done. You can rebuild, you can restore, and you can make something that, you can build it back stronger, and that's the work of the Holy Spirit working in your family. But it has to start with, it's got to start with a desire for reconciliation and restoration.

It has to start with a humility. And I'm going to say something, Chris, because this is really important. When I touched on this in the earlier segment about wounds, we parent the way we were parented.

That's what we know. That's why we look to so many parenting magazines. We listen to so many podcasts and do these Google searches for three quick tips to solve a momentary problem. The problem is, Chris, in order to build back what has been broken, we have to be willing to make some course corrections in our own lives. Like you and Vicki, as a family, you're family news. This is our life. We're in the military, which means we're going to be separated for long periods of time. God can work through that. You can still have a close family through that. Why?

Because exactly what you said. You and Vicki were on the same page. Listen, we're not going to let the kids get in there, because kids are really good at figuring out who's going to say yes, and they go to that parent if you're married, or if you're divorced, you're listening to this. You know, they know, I'll just wait till I go to dad's house, because if I ask mom, she's going to say no, but if I ask dad, he's going to say yes. And sometimes our kids will play us against each other in order to get what they want, because they're wretched, awful people. No, they're kids. They're kids, and they're trying to get what they want. But mom and dad, we've got to deal with the wounds.

Hurt people do hurt people, and if you were raised in a family that was very authoritarian, it was their way or the highway, or maybe it was very permissive, or maybe it was very legalistic. Whatever your family was, your family of origin, you've got to be mindful that some of those practices weren't good and healthy, and that God can redeem and change you. And then you go to your children, and you say, like you said in the beginning of the segment, Chris, you've got to communicate. You go to your kids and say, listen, I am doing the best I can. I am an imperfect parent, and I'm raising an imperfect child, and I have an imperfect marriage. But somehow, God's going to use all of us to work together and build this family that's going to do life together. It can be challenging at times, and I want to get the wrong impression. We've found many, many times, God, many times we didn't do what we were wanting to do when the kids did.

Like you said, I mean, kids are masterful at learning how to work the system. So Connie, for parents who maybe they weren't Christians, I mean, this isn't unique to non-Christian families, but for whatever reason, let's say they didn't start off right. So now they've got, and I'm not trying to pick on teens here, but we all know that that's when things start getting tough, because kids are trying to find their uniqueness and kind of pull away from the family. So do you think there are ways, Connie, if we haven't done some of those things that you've recommended already, and now maybe, let's say we got saved, we're trying to get our life together, and we want to create a team unit after. How do we do that when our family environment has been hurtful, maybe painful things have been said over the years, and kids probably, quite frankly, might not like coming home because it's been bad, but now mom and dad got saved or whatever, there's something different. How do we turn it into a team when it's not been a team? Oh, that's a great question. It's a slow process. We think about a ship that's headed out. You can't steer a ship standing at the dock yelling at it.

You can't demand that your children suddenly believe you or respect you or want to listen to you or actually even want to be around you. There's this sweet favor. Think about the Lord. The Lord delights in us. He delights in us when we are walking with him. He delights the little things, like parenting. It's a mundane process.

It's a tedious process. But the beauty is, whether your children are walking with the Lord, whether they know the Lord, if you're a new believer, if you want to confess to your kids you've done things wrong and ask them to forgive you, and then tell them, I'm going to be making some changes. Please be patient with me. I love you. I love you unconditionally. God loves us unconditionally. It's an agape love. It's a deep, deep abiding love. It's not based on your actions or attitudes.

It's based on who God made you to be. You tell your children, maybe I haven't been very loving. Maybe I haven't even been lovable.

Maybe you haven't been very loving or lovable. But I love you, and that's not going to change. I'm going to get rid of the hindrances that keep me from loving you and putting up walls. I'm going to ask that you start slowly dismantling the walls of distrust that you have or lack of respect. I want to show you that I can be respected, that our family can do this, and I'm going to be praying and constantly let your kids.

Chris, it's through the little things. It's the little acts of showing your children that you love them and that God loves them. It's not beating them over the head.

That doesn't work. That just pushes them away, especially if your children are already in rebellion or rejecting you. We want to be like the Lord, and that is a sweet favor. We want them to delight, and the way that they learn to delight in us is we're delighting in them. We look specifically for the things they're doing that are praiseworthy, not the, well, finally you cleaned up your room.

I'm sorry. That's not going to cut it when you're trying to gain the heart of your children. I do not know many teens, Chris, who strive for approval. They want their approval from disapproving parents. They want their affirmation.

So parents, specifically affirm your children. Affirm your love for their children. Be humble.

Say apologize when you need to apologize. Tell your children, we're going to be making some course corrections, that you understand trust or respect has been broken. Maybe you haven't been reliable. Maybe you haven't cared for their needs. Maybe you haven't tended to their heart, but you're asking the Lord to right the wrongs that have been done, but you're asking them to work with you and to please forgive you and to work with them as a parent so that we can become this family before they grow up and go away and maybe are disconnected and disjointed. We're talking about how to build a family team today. We're going to take one more quick break and enter our last segment and then try to delve into some more of the questions that maybe parents or teens need your answers to as we're continuing to keep the team even in 10 years or even as we launch the family, they're still part of that team. Stick around, we'll be right back. with digs design on social media in a world crowded with viewpoints and voices critical condition after a I believe the message of this financial problems only one voice matters gods at the college at mid-america and mid-america seminary we equip leaders to think from a biblical worldview online or on our memphis campus check out the college at mid-america and mid-america baptist theological seminary at mabts.edu and be equipped to light the way this show is brought to you by generous joe's the coffee company with the christian perspective this is the answer that christians and conservatives have been looking for a coffee company that gives back to causes you care about order your coffee today at shop generous joe's dot org and even subscribe to a subscription coffee plan and never forget the coffee you love or the causes you care about do you desire to build family relationships that stand the test of time is creating a godly family seem like a daunting challenge you're not alone i'm konnie offers author of parenting beyond the rules and host of equipped to be as a mother of five i understand your struggles for 35 years i have been helping families just like yours build lasting relationships i'd like to invite you to tune in to equip to be and visit connie operas.com where i share useful tips and proven strategies to help you navigate the seasons of motherhood faith and life with confidence and joy the united states of america has a strong christian heritage but most americans don't know the truly important role that god in the bible played in the founding of this great nation this june joined nationally syndicated radio host and founder of the citizens for america foundation dr chris hughes for four amazing days in our nation's capital with chris you'll embark on a journey of discovering the hidden secrets of washington dc and rediscover much of america's forgotten christian heritage your tour will include an up close and personal look at the nation's establishment and how it's evolved over the centuries learn about the government and the men who helped forge this new kind of republic one that acknowledged the creator from its very inception know the truth about the creation of the united states of america about the faith of the founding fathers and how christian principles were used to establish this form of government visit citizens for america foundation dot com today and secure your spot to join chris hughes in washington dc this june welcome back to christian perspectives chris hughes and connie alvers and boy uh connie like you do every friday um you step on my toes and uh make me think about grooming mistakes that i've made and hopefully try to find things that i've done right and it's so your information is so helpful for us as parents and i thank you for for your ministry to reach out to families and your podcast and equipped to me and in your book and all that you do uh parenting beyond the rules and i know you're working on a new book and i've been praying for you on that i just thank you for the great advice before we took our last break connie you were talking about well i'd asked you you know well how do we if we haven't done a good job of having a team and then we've got teenagers how do we rebuild and just great advice we talked about how we need to praise our kids from our kids and i was counting for me um i mean like probably all parents so say i mean i love my kids all my heart but i think some might argue i still do i used to have a really really bad temper and my kids noticed because i mean i i knew i was you know not keeping it in check and just got convicted me i need to get a hold on that and you know first you know kind of like what we're talking about they were they were like okay is it is it real or is it not real and then i i hope that at least they saw the real change and even though we love them sometimes we don't tell them enough that we're proud of them or you know you were talking about earlier it's easy to skip over things and we really need to affirm our kids but as we go into this last segment i want to ask one more question about teenagers and then maybe if we have time you can talk about how to keep it because you're an expert at this right now because you're living it how to keep the team together you know once they're watched and they start their own you know get spouses and kids of their own but for teenagers counting and as they're going to get ready to launch i know so i mentioned vicki played softball when vicki was younger she was a shortstop when she got older she you know team has many different positions as you started the show off talking about and she wasn't you know didn't have the agility or whatever you know when she was in her 40s that she did when she was 20 to be shortstop anymore on the level she was playing so she changed positions and became a pitcher are there cases in a family where sometimes we've been a player in a certain position and we need to shift positions or take on different roles boy i think you read my book um yes yes as your child grows and and matures as the dynamics of your relationships change as you mom and dad caregiver parent grandparent as you learn more as you work through your own wounds your own baggage per se then the you mom and dad as your as your team starts to grow and change you've got to change with them it doesn't mean you're wishy washy but you know just that the curfew nobody called you there's not a handbook out there that says 10 you know 10 year olds have to be in bed by 8 o'clock that's what mom and dad decide or 15 year olds are allowed to be out till 10 or 11 you know they may want to be out till one or they may not want to come home at all we said as a mom and dad as a as a loving parent who is looking after the well-being we're caring well for our children that's the goal i don't know any parent that wants to start off being a really bad parent most of them want to be a really good parent and then they start failing and they get discouraged and they don't know a way of change so as your children grows and change you adjust it's that there's pivot there's freedom and you know listeners write that down there's freedom in the pivot there's freedom in the pivot that doesn't mean that you're pivoting to something less than or you're letting go of a standard it means that you're acknowledging the fact the nature of the relationships are changing and as a family like you said with vicki you have to acknowledge okay remember i said you got to understand your your limitations the budget will dictate what you can do the physical ability will dictate what you can do the age of your kids their desire to be around or not be around their personality their temperament all of those are factors that we consider when we are willing to pivot and that pivot comes by way of this let me be really clear on this it doesn't mean that every day we just were like a wave going in and out and every day the kids never know what they're going to get are they going to get mean dad or happy dad are they going to get the mom that's real strict on the rules today or the mom like i don't care just do whatever now that's not what a pivot means a pivot is we're a family two people let's just say the child the teen and the parent or parents they come to you and they really say hey i am doing this and this and this and i feel like you're not i feel like you don't trust me you don't listen to me you won't you treat me like the little kids i heard that a lot you treat me like the little kids and i would always say well freedom is granted there is no there is no place in anywhere that you have freedom to do absolutely anything you want to do at any given time we're all under authority of something of someone i mean you can't drive whatever speed you want you can't crash into things you can't you can't go and commit acts against other people or even against yourself without a consequence and so when we're laying this foundation chris with our kids and our kids our children come to us our teens and say listen can i i've been i've been faithful you've you've set my curfew at 10 30 i'm asking you know the party just gets send my curfew and then you do this whatever it is lord you know son daughter you pray about it i'm going to pray about it dad and i are going to pray about it and we're going to let the lord speak here's what happens their faith grows because you're sending them to go to a living act of god who works in the world who will who works to change our hearts their faith is increased okay you pray about it pray that mom and dad will will kind of feel the same way let's come back in a few days and talk about it and then let's agree you bring them part of the conversation not from a top down this is it nobody has a voice you bring your teens into the conversation and you bring your children before the throne and you let them know we're all going to ask the lord because the lord has a purpose and a plan for our family that the light will shine brightly from our family some seasons it'll be brighter than others and some seasons you'll feel like there's no light at all coming from your family but god isn't finished with building the family that he's created you to be this is all good stuff connie we've only got a couple of minutes left can you take that a step further to the life that you're living now so the kids you know teens are now launched in just a couple minutes how can we stay a team once they go away to school or grow up i'll let them know that we're still going to do life together that the location may change the city the town that they live in the country but we're going to be communicating with one another enter where you can ask the questions that you're that they give you permission to ask and be sensitive be aware and pay attention they'll let you know ask them is there anything i can do for you we don't stop serving one another is there anything i can do for you do you need me to send a box of supplies for the child that's off at college do you need me to come and take care of the dog do you need me to come and pick you up something i'm going to sam's or costco and then when they have real conversations about vulnerable moments listen and keep confidence don't share their confidence encourage them to talk to their siblings if they're comfortable with it but let them always know mom and dad if you're married if you're single i'm still here i still love you we're still doing life together you may make decisions different from what i would make them but i'm going to be praying for you and i'm going to be supporting you and i will be cheering for you and i'm always here as a point of reference as a point that you can come to for advice and discernment and counsel because god always says seek life counsel always pray for your kids and always let them know that you love them because of who they are who god made them to be and that god is not finished working in their life you know yours are older mine are just now going to college and and it's a struggle to try to keep everybody plugged in when you know when they're in four different places and and i love how you said encourage them to talk to their siblings because that's another thing you know you don't want them growing up they might stay close to mom and dad but you want them close to each other as well and i think that's tricky and we've run out of time today but at some point we might want to talk on a show of you know how do you keep adult children connected to their siblings um so if you're not doing a great topic you might want to do a chapter maybe you already are but i think that's the challenge families face connie is you know how do you keep them engaged with each other and encourage them you know like i talk to both of my kids every day but they don't talk to each other every day you know so how do we keep them connected well we've run out of time connie as always these family fridays are so insightful and so helpful for families as we try to do life together and and come united as a not just a family but a team and it's two separate things and we need to be a team and united in our purpose and find our position and place and work together y'all thank you for joining us come here each and every day at your favorite radio station and then these podcasts are released later in the day you can find them anywhere you get podcasts and be sure to check out connie's podcast you can go to connie alberts dot com she releases a new show every wednesday and they are so insightful her podcast is called equipped to be in her book parenting beyond the rules we'll see you next time god bless y'all have a great weekend now let's go impact the culture for jesus thank you for listening the christian perspective with chris hughes learn more about impacting the culture for jesus visit citizens for america foundation dot com this is the truth network