Devotional Humor

So, on today's devotional humor, a little different than classic car guy humor, these are the devotions I do every week at Assisted Living, and for years I have brought the jokes, so here we go. The first one is called Collar Ah! So, our crazy dog has been barking way too much lately, and I'm not a fan of the electronic zapping collars. I was at my wits end, so I purchased one of those so-called humane citronella collars. It is designed so that when the dog barks, it would shoot out a blast of citronella under his nose. This morning I was getting the collar ready and filled it with the stuff, and that's where the morning should have ended, but no, it's me, and I begin to become curious as to how said collar works. I'm standing on my porch, barking at the collar.

Nothing happens. I make sure it's turned on, recheck the fill level, and go through the same startled checklist. One more time again, I bark and nothing happens. I'm not sure why I had this next thought, but I did, and I put on the collar. I extended the band to fit the growl box against my throat and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face. I began coughing, which only caused the collar to continue to squirt bug juice all over and over into my nasal cavity. I'm now on my hands and knees gasping for air, and to make matters worse, our dogs are now nonstop barking, so between coughing and yelling at the dogs to stop, I've emptied over a dozen blasts of my citronella into my face. During this ruckus, I'm trying to undo the clasp of the collar, which has somehow managed to weld shut during this whole fiasco. I finally get the collar off and through that crazy, inhumane, devilish contraption across the yard. As I'm laying on the porch, totally out of breath, trying to suck in the cool morning air, I'm thinking this is probably the dumbest thing I've ever done in a while. Then, I hear laughter.

My neighbor has witnessed the whole thing. He was belly laughing, and in between gasps, he tells me, I was going to come over and help. Every time I started toward your house, you set it off again, and then I would start laughing so hard, I couldn't walk.

So here I am, not only my eyes are red, but my face and ears are too. I came inside to take a shower so I wouldn't be smelling like old tiki torch, thinking over the lessons I learned. Number one, don't test dog collars on oneself. Number two, my neighbor is not a good source of help in a comedic crisis situation.

And number three, I won't have any bug problems for a few days. So here's a few random Robbie thoughts. I can't stand people who look down on people who look down on people. If you wanted people to eat something, would you call it succotash? My spouse says I have two faults. I don't listen, and there's something else. What do you give someone who has everything?

Why, antibiotics. So here we have, I call this one couching. A man called his neighbor trying to help move a couch that was stuck in the doorway. They got on either end of the couch and struggling until they were exhausted, but the couch wouldn't budge. Forget it, the man finally gasped. We'll never get this in.

A frustrated voice came on the other end of the couch. In? You mean out, don't you?

That's when I call freedom. A young child ask a woman how old she was. She answered 39 and holding. The child thought for a moment and then said, and how old would you be if you let go? Pulling a leg.

An out of towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, pull, Nellie, pull.

Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, pull, Buster, pull, but Buddy didn't respond. One more time, the farmer commanded, pull, Jenny, pull.

Nothing. Well, then the farmer nonchalantly said, pull, Buddy, pull, and the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. And the farmer said, oh, Buddy is blind.

And if he thought it was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try. What do you get when two giraffes collide? A giraffic jam. So there you go. You may wonder what size soap does a judge use?

Well, you guessed it, trial size. So this one is known as Tom Jones syndrome. So doc, I can't stop singing what's new pussycat. Doctor says, well, that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. Patient said, is that common?

Well, said the doctor, it's not unusual. So here's some toy disclaimers you may be wondering about. Warning, this fad will disappear in six weeks. Caution, Care Bears don't actually care very much. Number three, in case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.

Number four, do not attempt to combine your ultra mega warrior with your cat to make an ultra mega cat warrior. So. So I pulled down this is called I'll be doggone I pulled down into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car window to make sure my laboratory retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the backseat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically. Now you stay. Do you hear me stay? The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look.

I don't know about you, lady. He said incredulously, but I usually just put my car in park. I hope you enjoyed these devotional humor stories. So here's a list of things.

I thought this was particularly funny. Here's a list of things that aquariums don't allow on the premises. You've been to those big aquariums. So yeah, they won't let you have a rod and reel. No fishing nets, tartar sauce.

That's a no, no. A deep fryer. A harpoon. My personal favorite on the list.

Mrs. Paul. She's not allowed at the aquarium. A rowboat. A shark cage. Tackle boxes or depth charges.