Sex Mystery, Part 2

Today on Summit Life with J.D. Greer. What sex does outside of the context of all the things that God intended it for, instead of being a blessing, it becomes a curse to you. It becomes something that destroys your ability to relate and to covenant and to have a healthy functioning sexual relationship and unfortunately some of you know exactly what I'm talking about. Welcome back to Summit Life with J.D.

Greer. As always, I'm your host, Molly Vidovitch. You know, today's culture tends to paint sexual expression as a matter of personal choice and simply a physical activity. In movies, magazines, and music, we're encouraged to follow any path that leads to pleasure. But Paul shows us in Ephesians chapter 5 that marriage is a divine mystery that points us to something higher and deeper and that is Christ in the church.

As always, if you miss any of our programs or if you're in the search for our featured monthly resource, you can find it all online at jdgreer.com or by calling us at 866-335-5220. Today Pastor J.D. concludes our teaching series called First Love with a message titled Sex Mystery. So Paul says this, flee, run from sexual immorality because every other sin a person commits is outside his body. But the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. When you sin against somebody else, you do damage to them. If I, you know, walk in the room and I, you know, punch you in the face, then your eye is black, but I'm not really hurt.

My hand might hurt a little bit, but you're more hurt than I am. I've sinned against you. But he says sexual immorality is different because you are actually taking a razor to your own soul when you commit sexual immorality. And I know that you may have a hard time believing that, so let me just spend a few minutes trying to flesh it out a little bit.

Last year I reviewed a book called Hooked. It is not a Christian book, but it is a scientific study written by a couple of neurologists who are trying to show scientifically what having multiple sexual partners, especially when you're young, does to your brain. What they show in this book is that multiple sexual partners actually rewires your brain in a way, they say, that makes genuine lasting selfless relationships much more difficult. They say, and I quote, the individual who goes from sex partner to sex partner is causing his or her brain to mold in such a way that eventually accepts that sexual pattern as normal.

The pattern of changing sex partners therefore seems to damage their ability to bond in a committed relationship. The kind of attachment damage that occurs after repeated sexual encounters is, in many respects, more pernicious, more damaging than pregnancy or STDs because it typically goes unperceived by affected individuals while causing ongoing difficulties in establishing a lifelong and satisfying relationship. The authors use the metaphor of tape, which you have probably heard, that the idea that if you take a piece of duct tape and you put it around my arm when you rip the piece of duct tape off, you would take with it pieces of hair and pieces of my arm. But then if you take the same piece of tape and wrap it around somebody else's arm when you do it, it would still hurt them but not quite as badly as it hurt me. You do that 10, 20, 30 times.

By the time you get to the 30th time, that tape has lost every bit of its cohesive power. They said that's similar to what's happening when you have repeated sexual encounters is that it's losing your ability to actually bond with your soul in a committed selfless relationship with somebody else. The same is true, they say, for pornography or autoeroticism. Let's just call it that. What you are doing is you are separating that part of you from the rest of you, and what's happening is it's actually damaging the ability of your soul to commit and have a normal, healthy sexual relationship. Now, that's just pure science.

Let me give it to you from a different perspective, from the perspective of a pastor, Tim Keller, meaning of marriage, which I would highly recommend that you get and read. I tried to reword this in my own words, and I just couldn't do it. I was like, there's just no way I could say it nearly as well. So then I thought about just straight plagiarizing it and not telling you where, but then I felt guilty about that. So let me read this to you. I don't do this often. It's only about six chapters. No, I'm kidding.

It's just a few lines here, but listen. If sex is a method that God invented to do whole life entrustment, it should not surprise us that sex makes us feel deeply connected to the other person, even when it's used wrongly. Unless you deliberately disable it or through repeated practice you numb the original impulses of sex, sex will make you feel personally interwoven and joined to another human being, as you are literally physically joined.

In the midst of sexual passion, you naturally want to say extravagant things like, I will always love you. But even if you're not legally married, you may find yourself quickly feeling marriage-like ties, feeling the other person as obligations to you. But of course, that person has no legal, social, or moral responsibility even to call you back in the morning. This incongruity leads to jealousy and hurt feelings and obsessiveness if two people are having sex but are not married. It makes breaking up vastly harder than it should be. It leads many people to stay trapped in relationships that are not good because of the feeling of having somehow connected themselves.

By the way, in the margin of my book, I wrote, this is the plotline of every episode of Friends I have ever seen in my life. Therefore, if you have sex outside of marriage, you will have to steel yourself against sex's power to soften your heart toward another person to make you more trusting. The problem is that eventually sex will lose its covenant-making power for you even if one day you do get married. Ironically then, sex outside of marriage eventually works backwards, making you less able to commit to and trust another person.

Now what he's essentially done is said the exact same thing that scientific study just showed you. That what sex does outside of the context of all the things that God intended it for, instead of being a blessing, it becomes a curse to you. It becomes something that destroys your ability to relate and to covenant and to have a healthy functioning sexual relationship.

Unfortunately, some of you know exactly what I'm talking about because the reason your relationship with your spouse right now is so dysfunctional sexually probably goes back to the immorality that both of you brought into the marriage. Now I want to say something before you get overwhelmed and that is the power of God's grace is amazing. Because the blood of Jesus not only washes away the guilt and stain of your sin, when God saved us he also raised Jesus from the dead. Which means that God is able to take the parts of you that sin has killed, the parts of you that you have killed and sinned against yourself, and he can take that and he can raise that from the dead and he can make it more alive than it was when he created it.

That's just the beautiful power of God's grace. So if you are someone who has been sexually damaged, it is very important to you to it is my delight to be able to tell you that you should run to the cross because that's where God does his best work. He takes dead bodies and he brings them back to life and that's what God can do to your sexual past.

That's what he can do to you. He can give you the ability to become new again. But what I'm doing all this for, the reason I went through all that is for those of you who have not yet made those mistakes but are on the brink of it. I'm just trying to show you why you ought to obey God. It's more than just God said so because God came up with some arbitrary rules because he was in a bad mood one day. God gave you rules because they are life.

This is not an idle word Deuteronomy 32 7. It is your life. You're like, oh it's not going to hurt anything.

It's going to hurt a lot. A lot of students don't wait to have sex because they're afraid they're going to miss out on something. God tells you to wait till you have sex precisely so you won't miss out on something.

And a lot of young adults believe the colossally stupid idea, even if they never express it, they kind of believe this. Well I want to practice like a few times before I get married because I don't want to go into the marriage night with not knowing how it all works and everything so I want to embarrass myself. I don't want to look stupid.

Here's a little tip from Uncle JD. Look stupid. Look stupid even if you have to fake it. Look stupid because it is not skill, it is not sexual skill that actually produces intimacy in a relationship. It is exclusivity.

And so if you will go into that night with the assurance that I am yours forever and this is the only place and the only time that we're going to experience this is with you, that will produce an exclusivity and a joy in your marriage that no kind of sexual skill ever could. It's not like a sport. It's not like you get good at it and then you know the two of you like, oh both of you are awesome.

You get an award on it. This is not how it works. It is something that God intended to be something of a much larger, much larger whole.

Which leads me to number three. Sex is service. Sex is service. In Ephesians 5 Paul tells us to submit to one another. Paul tells us to lay down our lives for one another. Paul tells us to serve each other.

Here's the question. What does that look like sexually? These are commands Paul gave to the husband and the wife.

What's it look like when you apply that to the bedroom? In fact you ought to jot these questions down and just think about these over the week. Answer them. It probably will lead you somewhere fun if you're married. What does it mean to submit to each other sexually? What's it mean to lay down your life sexually? What's it mean to serve each other?

What's it mean to wash each other's feet sexually? Paul is actually going to answer that question for you. I told you to hold your finger in 1 Corinthians.

Look there again. 1 Corinthians 7 verse 3. One chapter over from chapter 6. Paul's taking the same concept.

He's just going to flesh it out a little bit. 1 Corinthians 7 3. The husband should give his wife her conjugal rights and the likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

In a marriage Paul says literally your body belongs to your spouse at least in a sense. I've told you that the way you apply this before is a guy's walking through the supermarket and he pinches his wife's rear end and his wife is like stop that. Don't touch my rear end.

He's got a verse. He says that's not your rear end. That's my rear end and I will punch it if I want to.

All right. A girl in marriage says to a guy I don't really want to have sex yet. I want to fool around for a while and the guy says why? My body is ready. She's like that's not your body. That's my body and this is what I want to do with it. She says I want to snuggle and the guy says snuggle come on let's just have sex and then watch SportsCenter.

Better yet let's have sex while we watch SportsCenter. And she says nope that is my body and I want to snuggle with it. You got to submit to me Ephesians 5 21.

All right. She's got a verse. In marriage I am to consider my body to be under the authority of my spouse's sexual desires.

What does that look like? Well I can tell you that would mean that sex is not a reward for your spouse when they've earned it or it's not a tool to manipulate your spouse. So a girl says well he doesn't deserve it. Exactly.

Exactly. That is not a reward that you give after they have earned it. That is a gift that you give in grace. In fact when you are serving your husband or your wife that way when you don't feel like it you're actually just reenacting the gospel. If God only responded to your prayers when you earned it you would never get a single one unanswered. So what you are doing is you are reenacting the gospel.

God intentionally had you marry a disappointing jerk so that you would learn to love like him. We'll get back to our teaching in just a moment but first let me tell you about our latest resource created exclusively for our Summit Life listeners. It's a 15-day devotional on relationships, faith, and rest called Devotions for the Distracted Family.

What a better time to commit to daily study and reading of God's Word. As with all our resources this is exclusive to our Summit Life family so you'll want to contact us right away. This study and the accompanying conversation cards are perfect for using with friends and family.

Reserve your copy today by calling 866-335-5220 or visit us online at jdgrier.com. Thanks for being with us today. Now let's get back to the final moments of our teaching series titled First Love.

Once again here's Pastor JD. Well if one of you says well they just want to do it a lot more than I do. Traditionally we think of men being in this category wanting to do it more than their wives but that's not always true. I tell you plenty of marriages I know where it's exactly the opposite. So what do you do in that situation? What means you quit thinking about what you feel like and you start thinking I'm going to give this as a gift to them. Now if your spouse wants to do it a lot less than you one of the ways you can serve them is by taking that into account.

Sex as service means sex is a gift that you give to one another. I just tell you when we my wife and I when Barack and I got married this was very difficult for us. There's a lot of different problems in our relationship but like many couples this seemed to be the place where a lot of it came to the to the forefront.

You know I asked my wife if she would come up here and actually talk about this with me she said not on your life would she stand up here. But you know but there was all this pressure because it was like we got to perform. We got to perform and then if she you know didn't have a good experience in it then she was frustrated because she felt like a failure. And then you know then there's like then there's the judging of like well you don't deserve this and and you're not doing this for me and you're not thinking about my needs and then there's on the other side I was thinking about the same thing and it just becomes this like toxic thing that you don't want to touch because it's explosive. Right?

There was a couple concepts that totally changed that and we're still learning them. One of them is this idea that that it's a gift. It's something that I'm giving to my spouse as a way of serving them. See there's gospel irony in that. When you begin to serve somebody and you begin to put their interests and their needs above your own what you find is that yours end up being met along the way.

It's beautiful. Here was the other thing. Sex as covenant renewal. What sex is is it's literally renewing the covenant that you made when you were married. Because I mean what better way to do it. Here's all of me.

I'm giving all of me to you. In the Old Testament when God would make a covenant he would follow it up with several times they renewed the covenant. That's what's happening in sex is you are renewing the covenant that you made when you stated your vows on your wedding day.

You said well how did that help things? Well one it separated just the physical pleasure from the act of sex so it was a whole lot more than that and that took the pressure off of evaluating it by whether we were successful by whether or not that physical pleasure thing worked or whether or not she got pregnant if that's what we were trying to do. And it just said what we're doing is we're renewing the covenant to one another.

Those things changed our sexual relationship and things got so much better. Point is you got to have a servant attitude during sex. Verse 5 quickly look at this. First Corinthians 7 verse 5. Don't deprive one another except perhaps by agreement for a limited time that you may devote yourselves to prayer but then come together again so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. Don't deprive each other and if you do it should only be for a short time and there ought to be a lot of prayer involved.

By the way that doesn't mean girls when he comes into the bedroom you hop down on your knees and start doing your quiet time. All right that's a misapplication of that verse. You're like well okay what does all this mean? The simplest explanation of that verse is that if you're married you should have sex often. You're like well how often is often?

I don't know but enough to qualify as often. Some of you guys are like this is the best sermon I've ever heard in my life. Maybe the best sermon period. What if my spouse wants to have sex for whatever reason I can't handle it right now. I've encouraged you before the 24-hour rule and that is if you say no then say yes within 24 hours.

Beyond that I would say that you're depriving you're in violation of First Corinthians 7 and you're probably in sin. Now but what if they just won't do it? What if they just won't do it?

They've had a headache that's lasted seven and a half years. I mean what what do I do then? Be patient. That's how you can serve them. You can be patient with them by forgiving them and you got to leave them between. You got to leave them to God.

There's just a certain limit. You can't obey scripture for your spouse and you can't hold it over their head. It's like I've told you at other points in this relationship when they're not doing their part you leave that between them and God but I will tell you this if it produces in you rage and anger and bitterness and hatred that's not your spouse's issue that's your issue.

That's why go back and listen to sermon number four in this series. Whenever those emotions are produced in you they don't point to a problem in your spouse they point to a problem in you a problem of idolatry and so you need to take that to the cross and you need to have that dealt with because you should be able to be a happy fulfilled person whether or not you have sex and when something is so core to who you are that you cannot that means there's a problem going on in you. If you are a couple like that because in your sexual life is very infrequent and just fraught with difficulty you might need to get some counseling. Sex is symbolic. Sex is sacred and sex is service.

If you're single let me give a quick word to you. Perhaps the biggest key to a happy marriage is marrying somebody who loves God more than you because that's the only way they're ever going to be committed to those three things symbolic sacred so the only way they're going to do that is if they love God more than than you. So I want to challenge you that are single to a profound the life-defining act of faith that was going to scare some of you to death.

There are some of you that are in here that are in sexual relationships right now you might even be living together. I'm going to challenge you to from this moment right now say I'm going to do it God's way and that might mean you have to sever a relationship. If you're dating a non-Christian it most assuredly means you have to sever that relationship and you begin to say God from this day forward I'm going to do it your way.

I know it scares you because you enter into a realm of singleness and I know that it is going to be painful but I promise you listen to me you will for the rest of your life look back on this weekend and this day as the moment that God began to put blessing in your life and not cursing. God always blesses faith. It may not always look like you think it's going to but God always blesses faith. This is the area where probably most single people demonstrate both their idolatry and their unbelief. And if you could come to a point where you loved and trusted God in this area I'm telling you like an explosion and like a waterfall it would cascade into every other part of your life because if this part of you that goes to the deepest part of who you are if you would love God here if you would trust and obey God here that would become the defining moment for you where God began to speak life and blessing into your life.

We got couples in here living together that you need to from this point out you need to move out get engaged and get married then live together again and you need to decide that you're going to do things God's way. The whole point of this whole series kind of culminates in this the point we made today that sex is not just physical. These things are mysteries that point beyond themselves to the soul's relationship to Christ. And see that's what some of you have been missing.

That's why your marriages are in the state that they are in. That's why you are so unhappy in your singleness is because it has nothing to do with your marital status. It has to do with your relationship with Christ who is the thing that all these things point to. He's the source of ultimate happiness. He's the source of identity.

He's the source of significance that you've been looking for. He's the one that saw you and all of your nakedness and all of your shame and loved you intentionally. He is the one who served you not just to where he washed your feet and met a few of your needs but he took upon himself the sin of your rejection and rebellion and he died for it. He's the one that has given you an unconditional uncompromising covenant that he will never ever leave you or forsake you. He's the one that loves you with the never stopping never giving up love that you have sought all of your life. And this is the area where you are probably most challenged to believe God in.

This is the area where the rubber meets the road. What I want to tell you is don't believe the lies of illicit sex. There's probably no lie that is more deceptive, more harmful that our enemy tells than that one because there's no idol that promises more and delivers less. It doesn't deliver if you are single. It does not deliver. Illicit sex does not deliver if you are married.

How many married people do I know that there comes a kind of a stagnation in their romance, a kind of a dullness in their sexual life so to feel that they go outside the marriage. Proverbs talks about this. It says that stolen water becomes, it's like sweet bread eaten in secret becomes pleasant but at the end it goes down and it leads to death and it leads to hell. I'm going to tell you don't believe those promises because they're false promises. Believe the gospel. Jesus is the ultimate spouse.

He's what you've been looking for. I want you married or single to feast upon Christ who gives unconditional love. If you have never trusted in Christ as Lord and Savior in these moments I would invite you to trust in Christ for the first time as your Lord and Savior. It's a very simple prayer that you would pray. It's not words but it's if it comes from your heart God hears it. It's simply saying Jesus you're the Lord and I've lived in rebellion against you.

You could say it to him even right now. Jesus you are the Lord and I've lived in rebellion against you and I surrender. Jesus I believe that you died to pay the full penalty for my sin and I receive that gift as my own. I receive it right now Jesus. I receive you as my Savior. Repentance and belief. Marriage is a divine mystery pointing us beyond itself to Christ and the church. And with that we've completed this timely message from the book of Ephesians here on Summit Life with Pastor J.D.

Greer. As a reminder if you missed any part of this teaching series you can listen again online free of charge or you can download the unedited message transcripts at jdgreer.com. Our current Summit Life resource is a set of conversation cards and a short study called Devotions for the Distracted Family 15 Days on Relationships, Faith and Rest.

And J.D. I know you have a specific aim in mind when we pull together resources like these. So what do you hope listeners will take away from this study? We grow best in our faith in community.

Whatever that community is your family, your small group, friends who are like family and of course your local church. Our goal is to keep you and those you're closest with talking and communicating in that group about important things like faith, relationships and even rest. We've created a book for anybody who feels distracted or disconnected at times. We've given you a tool in these conversation cards that will help kick-start conversations, ask meaningful questions that will take your conversations places they may not otherwise go.

I think you'll find these really really helpful. When you combine them with this book of devotions you might be surprised at how you and those you're closest with are talking about how your faith brings you rest and brings you fulfillment. And we would love to be able to give these resources to you as you participate in the ministry that God has given us here of taking people deeper in the gospel all over the world.

Summit Life is kept on the radio and online by listeners like you. So when you're hearing our program you've got another listener to thank for the message. Give today and remember to ask for your copy of Devotions for the Distracted Family and the set of conversation cards.

Call 866-335-5220 or you can donate and request the pair online at jdgeer.com. I'm Molly Vidovitch. Be sure to join us again tomorrow when Pastor JD kicks off a new teaching series you don't want to miss. See you Thursday on Summit Life with J.D. Greer. Today's program was produced and sponsored by J.D. Greer Ministries.