Criticism and Compliments

One time I split my head open on a rock. Dr. Cammie took some metal clamps and squeezed them in the top of my head.

In a couple of days I was fine. But an insult, a thoughtless word, can penetrate where no stone can ever reach or no stick can ever touch because it can get to the soul. The words we use have incredible power to encourage and build up, but also to wound and tear down.

Today on this Saturday edition of Renewing Your Mind, R.C. Sproul will look at the profound impact our words can have on the relationship between husband and wife. These messages on Saturday are from his series, The Intimate Marriage.

And if you'd like to own this series, to work through it with your spouse, and to go a little deeper with the use of the study guide, we'll send you the DVD and unlock the messages and study guide in the free Ligonier app when you give a donation of any amount at renewingyourmind.org before midnight tonight. Well, here's Dr. Sproul to continue this study with a message titled, Criticism and Compliments. Once again, I'd like to welcome you to this series of lectures on Christian marriage. In the last time that we were together, we talked about the problems of sexual harmony and adjustment in marriage. And in that discussion, I mentioned that according to the recent polls and the surveys that have been taken among the researchers, the number one reason given in the United States for the breakdown of marriage has been the problem of sex. And I said at that time that I was going to challenge that at some point in our discussions, and this is the time for the challenge.

Before I give the challenge and put the gauntlet down, let me just rehearse the bidding here. The number one reason that is given to us by the researchers is sex. The second greatest problem according to the researchers in destroying harmony in the home is money. And the third reason that is frequently given is the problem of interference of in-laws. Now, I certainly recognize and grant that those three problems have wreaked havoc in marriages in this country. But I think there's something that is even more severe in its power to hurt and destroy marriages. The number one problem with marriages is the human tongue. It's what we say to each other that I think contributes more than anything else to the breakdown of trust, the breakdown of love, and the breakdown of respect between two people in the marriage relationship. That problem may manifest itself sexually or in the arena of money. We can understand how those problems come to bear as well as intrusion of in-laws.

But we haven't learned how to talk not only to each other by way of communication, but we have often been cruel cruel and thoughtless, inflicting damage on each other with unguarded remarks. By way of contrast, let me read to you a brief section from the Old Testament that involves a celebration of love, which is found in the Song of Solomon. The fourth chapter of the Song of Solomon begins like this, where the author is saying, Behold, thou art fair, my love, behold, thou art fair. You have dove's eyes within your locks, and your hair is as a flock of goats that appear from Mount Gilead. Now that may not sound very complimentary to say that your hair reminds me of a flock of goats prancing up and down the mountainside of Gilead.

But in antiquity, that of course is a romantic and indeed poetic expression of beauty. And then it says, Your teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn, which came up from the washing, whereof every one bears twins. I wouldn't say that about me. I said no two of yours are alike. But here the person is described as having teeth like twins, where each one is identical and matching one with the other, and none is barren among them.

That is, there aren't any gaps between the teeth. Your lips are like a thread of scarlet, and your speech is comely. Your temples are like a piece of palm granite within your locks, and your neck is like the Tower of David built for an armory, where on there hangs a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men.

Your two breasts are like two young rows that are twins, which feed among the lilies. Thou art all fair, my love, there is no blemish in thee." Now tradition has it within Christian groups that what we find in the Song of Solomon is an extended symbolic form of address, an allegory of Christ's perfect love for His church, that what we have here is a spiritual song celebrating the love that Christ has for His bride. Dear friends, I think that represents, more than anything I could point to, the distortion and intrusion into the Christian faith of that Greek view I was talking about that sees physical attraction and physical love as being something that is intrinsically evil. I would say just by way of passing you don't have time to defend it from an academic perspective, that there just simply is no justification whatsoever for interpreting the Song of Solomon simply as an allegory of Christ's love for the church. What this is is a divinely inspired love song where the Holy Spirit is celebrating romance between two people.

I think it's fantastic. Now because we have a hard time with that, we have to reinterpret it and make it somehow a spiritual lesson. But think of this, before this thing could even qualify to be an allegory of spiritual love, it would first have to be acceptable to God for the content that's in there.

So why can't we just take it at face value? But what I want us to see in here is that in this divinely inspired expression of love, the verbal relationship between the man and the woman is one of compliments. You don't hear in this love song, in this celebration of romance, the man saying to the woman, why don't you do this?

Or the woman saying to the man, you're always late, you're never going to make anything of yourself. In other words, the tongue is being used to honor the partner. The New Testament tells us that the tongue is a small member that boasts of great things and has the capacity by one spark to set whole forests ablaze, that the tongue is the most destructive member of the human body.

With it we praise God, but with it we also bring curses down on each other. I remember when I was a child, how there was a fellow in our community that was a bully, and he used to make fun of me. I used to go up the street to play with the guys, and he would say, here comes Bucky Beaver, and he would make fun of my buck teeth. And that crushed me.

He was older than I was, and I wanted to be accepted with the older kids to be able to play with him. And every time I showed up, the same kid kept talking about my buck teeth. And I came home one day crying, and my mother met me at the back door. She said, what's the matter? And I said, so and so called me buck teeth again. And my mother felt sorry for me, and she was trying to help me deal with this kind of thing that happens in everybody's life. And she said, son, let me tell you how to handle that when somebody says something to you that's not very nice. You just say to them, sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me.

Well, I said, okay, that sounds good. So I went back up. I went up the street, and here comes the same kid. He said, here comes buck teeth again. And I looked at him, and I said, sticks and stones will break my bones, and names will never hurt me. And I'm thinking in my head, that's a dirty line, because it still hurts.

See? And I found out that what my mother told me wasn't true. Because one time I split my head open on a rock. There was blood all over the place.

I came home. I thought I was going to die. Doctor came, and he took some metal clamps and squeezed them in the top of my head. In a couple of days, I was fine. Another time a guy comes, breaks my arm, puts it in a cast. Six weeks later, my arm's fine. But an insult, a thoughtless word can penetrate where no stone can ever reach or no stick can ever touch because it can get to the soul.

The human tongue can devastate another person. I was at an airport once looking for something to read, and I was going through the paperback book rack, and I saw this book that attracted my attention, and the title of the book simply was Criticism. I picked it out of the rack, and I looked at it, and I couldn't recognize the name of the author and the publishing company I'd never heard of. I opened up the pages. The paper was cheap-grade paper, and the print was on wavy lines. And I thought, this is some vanity press.

Somebody printed it in their basement. But I didn't have anything else to read, so I bought the book, and I took it on the airplane. And the book started with a story where this man told about visiting New York City. That was his first mistake. And he decided to explore the city at night.

That was mistake number two. But the real Lulu came when he decided to take a shortcut in New York City at night by going through an alley. And so he starts down this alley at night in New York, and as he gets halfway back into the alley and there's a full moon out, he sees in the shadows two guys come up from behind garbage cans with knives glistening in the moonlight and start moving toward him.

And at this point, the author interrupted his own narrative, and he says to the reader, what do you suppose this man did in that circumstance? What would you do? If you had half a brain, what would you do? Run! Like that devil, you know, the other way. I mean, if you saw two guys walking at you with knives in New York City in an alley, and you could run to get out of there, that's what you'd do, right?

That's a natural instinct, self-preservation. He said, but we know to run from that, but we don't know how to run from this. What do you do when somebody comes up to you and says, I'd like to give you some constructive criticism? The Bible tells us, and is part of the lead-in to this program, to speak the truth in love. How many times have you ever had a Christian friend come up to you and say, brother or sister, I want to tell you something in love? My best advice to you is if somebody comes up to you and says, I want to tell you something in love, the best thing you can do 95 times out of 100 is turn around and run.

Run for your life. There is such a thing as constructive criticism. I know that. And I don't know what the exact percentages are, but my best guess is that at least 95 out of 100 criticisms that you receive and that you get from people are destructive criticisms, and they're not mentioned in love. But we're taught all of our lives to accept criticism gratefully.

We give people a license to criticize us. And when somebody comes up and says, brother, I want to tell you something in love, and they stick the knife in, as Christians, here's what we're supposed to say, oh, thanks. I needed that. That's really going to help with my sanctification. And if you really love me, do it again. Twist it in there a little deeper so that I can grow in the Spirit while they're killing you.

When if we had any brains, we'd turn around and run. Again, there are forms and ways to experience constructive criticism, and we all need it. I remember when I wrote one book a few years ago for Harper & Rowe, I turned it in to my editor, and I got it back after he took it through copy editing, and I counted up over 10,000 corrections that had to be made.

They were minor, a comma here and there, but my manuscript came back with so much red ink on it, it looked like a Christmas tree. And I was so depressed. And then I remembered something the lady had said to me once, R.C., don't ever let anybody tell you you can't write.

The experience that I had there happened like this. A consultant came to me and said, R.C., I want you to write down on a piece of paper the five most meaningful compliments you've ever received in your life. And so I said, well, that's a fun exercise, isn't it?

I mean, I get to sit down here and sit back and try to remember nice things that people said about me. So I wracked my brain. Everybody's had at least five compliments in their life. And I just wrote down the first five that came into my mind.

And I was shocked with what I saw. Had that man come to me and said, R.C., write down on a piece of paper the 50 people who've had the most positive influence in your life, I don't know whose names I would have written down for those 50 people, but I know I never would have dreamed to include this woman whose name appeared twice in that list of five compliments. It was my eighth-grade English teacher, the one that stood out the most. She had given this assignment to write a descriptive essay. It was our first experience with creative writing.

So I wrote this little essay that I made up about a mountain, and I turned it in. And she took the papers home. It came time to grade them.

She brought them back. She's going to deliver them to the class and pass them out. And she said, class now, we're going to pass out these papers.

But before we do it, I want to read one to the whole class. And she read my paper to the whole class. And then when she was done, she went over to this bulletin board that was above the blackboard, and she took a thumbtack, and she put my essay up on the bulletin board. Now you have to understand, this was eighth-grade, and usually the only thing that went up on that bulletin board in our classroom was artwork. And I got D's in art from first grade. I was terrible. I know I was the only kid in that whole class who never had anything on that blackboard for art. I mean, it was terrible how bad I was.

And I was feeling that. And now in eighth grade, not something I drew, but something I wrote, got on the art billboard. And it said on that paper, A-plus, don't let anyone ever tell you you can't write. Do you have any idea how many people have tried to tell me that I can't write? Do you know how many people have tried to discourage me from doing what I wanted to do artistically with a pen? And I have nurtured to my bosom, I have held on sometimes with my fingernails to the kind statement that that woman made to me, because I believed her compliment.

I know that she meant it, and I trusted her authority. It'd be a good experience for you to do. I mean, if you really want to find out about yourself, go home and do that same thing. Write down the five most meaningful compliments that you can think of that you've ever received. And then when you're done, if you want an exercise in terror, turn the paper over and write down the five most painful criticisms you've ever received and who said them. And that'll give you a quick route to the center of your own emotional pain, a place where you are hurting. And you will be shocked, I'm sure, to see that you're carrying around in your life comments that people made years and years and years and years ago that still that still paralyze you and still hurt.

Then you will begin to see the power of the human tongue. We need to understand that because what we say to each other in marriage is what creates the environment of trust, of intimacy, and in love. When I married my wife, I vowed to cherish her. I know that women today do not want to be put on a pedestal in the sense that they are not real, they're objects and so on. And I'm not sure I understand all of that because I'm a man, and I'm not sure I understand women.

I'll never understand women, okay? But I've never met a woman that didn't want to be cherished, and I've never met a man that didn't want to be cherished. What I say with my mouth is what communicates how much I cherish my wife. Of course, what I do speaks as well, but nothing can destroy her sense of being cherished faster than an unkind, thoughtless, cutting remark that comes out of my mouth. The Bible tells us again that in any kind of healthy relationship, not just husband and wives, but with friends and associates, is that we are called to build up each other to edify each other, not to tear each other apart. But what happens in a marriage is that we get angry with each other, and you say something to me that hurts. What's my natural response?

Fire with fire, wound for wound, retaliate, hit back, and pretty soon it escalates into a war. And then we say those awful words, honey, I didn't mean that. And she wants to say, then why did you say it? You know what the Bible says? There are certain things that you cannot recall.

The flying arrow, once you pull that bow back and you let loose of that string and the arrow starts to fly, and the arrow starts to fly, you can't call it back. And included in that list of the Bible is the spoken word. Once I say it, I can apologize for it, I can pretend that I overstated it, but I said it, and she heard it, and it stored, and it may be doing its damage for another 30 years. But where there is love, there is kindness. And when there is kindness, there is a desire to do as Christ has told us to do, to present our brides to Him without blemish, to be willing to give our lives to honor the one that we live. I mean, I'm a man, and I'm in the public eye, and I have women come up to me from time to time and bat their eyelashes at me, you know, you're so cute and all that stuff, I don't know. I mean, I look in the mirror, I know that's not true. But they start playing these games, and I can respond in one of two ways. I can respond and allow myself to be flattered by that and therefore tempted, or I can see that as a threat to what I cherish. Now, flattery is empty. We even have the expression, flattery will get you nowhere. And I'm not saying to couples, lie to each other about your gifts and your strengths. Telling your wife she's a great cook when she's a lousy cook is not what I'm talking about. She knows she's a lousy cook, and she won't trust that compliment if you tell her she's a good cook when she's not a good cook. But what an authentic compliment is, is believable, where you take the time to find something of value in your mate, crystallize it, put it into words, tell her, tell him that you've noticed. And when we honor each other in that way, we can heal the damage that's been done. Psychologists tell us it takes nine authentic compliments to outweigh the pain of one criticism. So we need to be slow to speak and to wound and to keep our anger in check so that that tongue does not set the forest on fire. Such an important reminder, not only in marriage, but in all of our relationships.

You're listening to Renewing Your Mind, and that was R.C. Sproul from his series, The Intimate Marriage. Marriage is the union of two sinners, so it is no wonder that we need help. And that's why Dr. Sproul recorded this series so that we would understand marriage in a way and that's why Dr. Sproul recorded this series so that we would understand marriage biblically with practical tips to foster a flourishing Christian marriage. You can work through this entire series along with the study guide when you give a donation of any amount at renewingyourmind.org or when you use the link in the podcast show notes. And to thank you for your generosity, we'll send you the DVD and unlock the series and the study guide in the free Ligonier app.

So visit renewingyourmind.org before midnight tonight with your gift of any amount. Did you know that 2.5 billion people use YouTube every month? And to further spread trusted teaching, Renewing Your Mind is now available every day on the Renewing Your Mind YouTube channel. So if you use YouTube, can I ask you to please subscribe to the new channel by searching for Renewing Your Mind and giving episodes a thumbs up and a comment? The more you engage with Renewing Your Mind on YouTube, the more YouTube will push the teaching you love to new people.

Thank you. There's still time to secure the discounted rate for Ligonier's 2025 National Conference. The messages will explore Jesus' words, I will build my church. Join us April 10 through 12 and enjoy three days of edifying teaching and rich fellowship. We'll be recording episodes of Renewing Your Mind, the Ask Ligonier podcast, and Five Minutes in Church History.

Plus there is a bookstore filled with titles at reduced prices. It's a highlight of my year to be able to meet with you and have what we like to call a family reunion. So if you've not registered already, visit ligonier.org slash 2025 or use the link in the podcast show notes to learn more, register and secure the discounted rate. Hopefully I'll see you this April. Well we've been hearing Dr Sproul on Saturday talk about the union of man and wife in marriage, but what about the Christian's union with Christ and with one another?

Well on the Ask Ligonier podcast we put that question to Sinclair Ferguson and here's some of his answer. We know that the New Testament teaches us that believers are united to Christ. Sometimes the New Testament says we believe into Christ and it so often uses the language of being in Christ. So we know that individually we are united to Christ and moreover we actually are given Christ's Holy Spirit. This is what he promised in the upper room when he left the disciples.

He would send his Spirit to them and having his own Spirit would be like Christ himself dwelling in us. So that's how we are united to Christ. We are directly united to Christ by his Holy Spirit. We're not directly united to one another in the same way. We're united to one another because each of us as Christian believers receives the Spirit of the Lord Jesus Christ and because we've received the same Spirit of the Lord Jesus Christ we are united to each other. This is a marvelous thing to think about.

It's a challenge to our mathematics, isn't it? I sometimes say in a room perhaps there are a hundred people who are Christians. If Christ is given as his Holy Spirit does that mean there are a hundred Holy Spirits? And of course everyone realizes the answer is no, there's only one Holy Spirit. But the marvel, the mystery of that is that therefore each of us is indwelt by one and the same Holy Spirit and it's this that unites us to one another. So it's not that we are united to each other as people who might have the same interests.

We have much in common, that's true. But that's not the foundation. The foundation is that the Lord Jesus Christ by his Spirit indwells each of us. So there is an individual union with Christ.

Paul says in 1 Corinthians 3 16 that together we are the temple of God and in 1 Corinthians 6 19 that individually we are the temple of God as we are indwelt by the Holy Spirit. That was Sinclair Ferguson, a guest on the Ask Ligonier podcast. You can listen to all those episodes by searching for Ask Ligonier wherever you listen to podcasts. For marriage to flourish we must understand the roles of husband and wife. Next time R.C. Sproul will address this often controversial topic. So join us next Saturday here on Renewing Your Mind. you