God's Pattern for Children, Part 1

Discipline is that function by which parents reward obedience and punish disobedience. In 2008, a California politician made headlines when she introduced a bill that would ban corporal punishment, even by parents.

She called it a form of child abuse. When stories like that make headlines, when influential voices try to make it illegal for parents to use various kinds of discipline for their own children, is it any wonder that Christian parents think twice about whether even to correct their kids? But instead of looking to government for parenting techniques, I urge you to look to the one who created families, God and His Word, for counsel on how to discipline your children the right way. John MacArthur does that today on grace to you as he continues his study titled, The Fulfilled Family.

Here's John with today's lesson. Turn to the book of Proverbs with me, because the book of Proverbs is the heart of the teaching of parents to their children. When you get into Proverbs, you're getting into the book which basically parents taught to their children, something you ought to teach yours.

Chapter 1, verse 8, "'Hear, my son, your father's instruction, and do not forsake your mother's teaching. Indeed, they are a graceful wreath to your head and ornaments about your neck.'" You know what that means? They make you a beautiful person. They make you a gracious person. They will bless you. Listen to what your father and mother teach you. Chapter 2, verse 1, "'My son, if you will receive my sayings and treasure my commandments within you, make your ear attentive to wisdom, incline your heart to understanding.'" A father saying, listen to what I'm telling you as he passes on divine truth. Chapter 3, verse 1, "'My son, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments for length of days and years of life and peace they will add to you. Do not let kindness and truth leave you, bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.'" In other words, listen to what I tell you and wrap it around your body and live it out in every area of your life. Chapter 4 follows with the same idea, verse 1, "'Hear, O sons, the instruction of a father and give attention that you may gain understanding, for I give you sound teaching.

Do not abandon my instruction. When I was a son to my father, tender and the only son in the sight of my mother, then he taught me and said to me, let your heart hold fast my words, keep my commandments and live.'" Now that's a faithful father. Chapter 4 again, down in verse 10, "'Hear, my son, and accept my sayings and the years of your life will be many.'" Chapter 5, verse 1, "'My son, give attention to my wisdom. Incline your ear to my understanding.'" Chapter 7 of Proverbs, verse 1, "'My son, keep my words and treasure my commandments within you. Keep my commandments and live and my teaching is the apple of your eye.

Bind them on your fingers and write them on the tablet of your heart. Say to wisdom, you are my sister.'" Chapter 8, verse 32, just goes on, "'Now therefore, O sons, listen to me, for blessed are they who keep my ways.'"

And then just a couple more. Chapter 13, "'A wise son accepts his father's discipline.'" Chapter 13, verse 1, "'A wise son accepts his father's discipline.'" Chapter 15, verse 5, "'A fool rejects his father's discipline.'" Now, there are some samples of how we are to instruct our children, how our children are to respond. Go to Proverbs 30 and you see the opposite.

Here is the opposite. When a child does not respond, does not obey, is not properly disciplined, verse 11, there is a kind of person, man or woman, a kind of person who curses his father and does not bless his mother. There is a kind who is pure in his own eyes, yet is not washed from his filthiness as so typical of children who are rebellious and against their parents. They've got their own way, their own wisdom, their own approach to everything.

You're not going to tell them what to do. They think they've got all the answers and the fact is they've never been washed from their filthiness. There is a kind, oh how lofty are his eyes and his eyelids are raised in arrogance. This is the proud, selfish, self-centered, rebellious child who listens to nothing that his parents say. There is a kind of person whose teeth are like swords and his jaw teeth like knives to devour the afflicted from the earth and the needy from among men. They're unkind, they're merciless, they're brutal children. They've never been taught kindness.

They've not been taught the graces that make them loving people. Verse 15, the leech has two daughters, give, give. That's talking about a horse leech that had two teeth, if you will, or two prongs that came out of its mouth and it sinks it into the horse and sucks the blood. And he says these kind of children are like a leech that sticks both of its teeth in and sucks the blood out.

They're blood-sucking rebel children. There are, in verse 15, three things that will not be satisfied. Four that will not say enough. Sheol and the barren womb, that's very, very graphic language. Hell never has enough. The barren womb is never satisfied. Earth that is never satisfied with water and fire that never says enough. And you can add to that, that leeching child, no matter what you give him, no matter what you give him, he never has enough. And that's good word, you know, to those people who have rebellious children and think they can buy their loyalties or buy their obedience or buy their respect.

You cannot do that because they never are satisfied. They're like the grave. They're like the barren womb. They're like the earth that never has enough water for its parched ground.

They're like the fire that never says enough. It is the eye that mocks a father and scorns a mother. And what is God's response?

The ravens of the valley will pick it out and the young eagles will eat it. Pretty graphic language. Where you have a child that doesn't get the discipline and training and instruction about obedience and honor, you have that kind of leech, blood-sucking child who in the end, with all of his merciless unkindness, all of his animosity and filthiness, is going to feel the judgment of God. And how sad, how sad, how many parents, how many of you have a child that has fallen under divine judgment? Some have even perished.

It's absolutely heartbreaking. Now, how do you do this process? How do you bring a child to obedience and respect? Let's go back to Proverbs chapter 3. Proverbs chapter 3, verses 11 and 12. My son, do not reject the discipline of the Lord, or loathe His reproof. For whom the Lord loves, He reproves, even as a father, the son in whom He delights. And by the way, that is quoted in Hebrews 12, verses 5 to 11, where it talks about chastening.

The category here is one of discipline. The father who really loves his son, you say you love your child, then you'll discipline your child. Every son you love, you'll scourge.

That's what Hebrews says. If the Lord loves one, He scourges him. He chastens him.

And it's grievous for the moment, but it has the effect of the peaceable fruit of righteousness. So first of all, we learn here that the process of teaching obedience and respect is a process of discipline. Discipline can simply be defined in these terms. Discipline is that function by which parents reward obedience and punish disobedience.

That is discipline. Nonconformity to the divine standard results in negative consequences. Conformity to the divine standard results in positive consequences.

That is exactly how God disciplines us. You say, do you believe in positive reward? Absolutely. Absolutely. I also believe in negative reward. You say, should you try to motivate your children, though, with a positive reward?

Absolutely. Doesn't God motivate us with that? Doesn't He promise good to us? Doesn't He promise blessing? Didn't He say that the child who obeys will live long on the earth? In fact, the whole motivation, the only motivation given in Ephesians 6 is a positive motivation.

There isn't a threat there. It's good to say to your child, if you do this, I will reward you in this way, knowing that the child desires that reward. Discipline involves both. Discipline is very simple. It is giving the appropriate reward for the conduct. And when I say conduct, I don't mean simply what they do.

I mean also what they say, and I also mean their attitude. I can tell you, and so can my children, they were disciplined far more for their attitudes than what they did. And if you start with the attitude, it doesn't work its way to the act as readily. We tried to catch the discipline at the initial point of attitude. Now, look at chapter 6 of Proverbs, and let's talk some more about this disciplining process. In 620, my son, observe the commandment of your father.

Do not forsake the teaching of your mother. Bind them continually on your heart. Tie them around your neck. When you walk about, they will guide you. When you sleep, they will watch over you. When you awake, I love this, they will talk to you. For the commandment is a lamp, and the teaching is light, and reproofs for discipline are the way of life.

What you do is you pour the Word of God into them so that it informs their conscience, and it talks to them. The conscience is only a warning system. It's a buzzer. It's a red light. It's a bell. It's a whistle.

That's all. The conscience reacts to the moral system in the mind. It reacts to your highest moral standard. Now, a child born into the world has the law of God written where? In the heart, Romans 2. The law of God is written in the heart.

It's there. They understand right from wrong. They just love wrong, and they must be trained to do right. Now, that law of God written in their heart can be negatively, listen carefully, can be negatively affected by the messages coming from the culture. The culture wants to reconstruct that moral code. It wants to come in with lies. It wants to reform their whole moral system, their whole moral ethical system. And if it succeeds in doing that, then the conscience, which is the warning device that should go off when you violate that, is misinformed.

It's misinformed. Because if you have a warped theology, if you have a warped moral ethical system, then your conscience will react to that warped system. So, when you come into the world, what happens? This little kid is exposed to television, radio, movies, music, education, the whole process of the culture, and it re-informs the great truth that has been placed in that little heart from birth about God and about what is right and what is wrong. Romans 1 tells you they can know about God, they can know His eternal Godhead, His power, and something of His attributes. Romans 2 says they know right from wrong. And then the society blasts that.

It blasts it with evolution so that all of a sudden they come to the place where they no longer believe that God created everything. They come to the place also because they're blasted with the immorality of the system to the point where they no longer know what is right and wrong and relativism takes over. There are no longer any absolutes and the conscience is helpless. All conscience can do is react to that ethical system.

And if that ethical system is warped, then the conscience is going to get misinformed. So, what do you have going on in our culture today? Two things. A massive effort to sell children and young people a non-Christian ethical system.

It's massive. Get rid of God. There's no Creator. There's no God. There's no moral law.

Whatever you want is for you. Everything is purely a lifestyle choice. What the society wants to do is create an ungodly satanic system of values, first of all, so that what is being said in the heart is wrong. Second thing it wants to do is dull the conscience.

How does it do that? By telling you you shouldn't listen to your conscience. In effect, it says you shouldn't feel guilty. You shouldn't feel shame. You didn't do anything wrong. What really happened was you were abused. Your mother did something to you.

Your father did something to you. You're just a victim. It's not your fault. You shouldn't feel guilty.

You shouldn't feel responsible. Society isn't to blame for this and dispossess the person of any need to listen to the voice of conscience. So you assassinate, as it were, the function of conscience. You rewrite the script for moral values and you have a potential disaster.

And that's the kind of young people we have in our generation. Now you've got to go back to the very beginning right here in Proverbs 6 and you've got to teach them the commandments of the Word of God. You've got to bind them continually on their little hearts, tie them around their neck.

That just means attach them so they can't get away from them and so that when they walk around, they're functioning in their little minds. And when they're sleeping, those truths even in their sleep are guarding them, as it were, because they're so deeply embedded. And as soon as they wake, they're their first conscious thought. That little child ought to walk into the kitchen and the first conscious thought of the morning is whatever mother says, immediately they respond.

Whatever dad says, immediately they respond because it's in the fabric of their life. Now chapter 10, that then becomes the lamp and the light for their life. In chapter 10 of Proverbs and verse 13, we get a little further into this process. It says in verse 13 of chapter 10, a rod is for the back of him who lacks understanding. Now very simply folks, how do you get this little guy or this little girl to obey?

Bottom line, you hit him with something. It's here called a rod. You say, you sure that's what it means? Well, what's the point in just saying, look, here's a rod, would you please obey? If the rod has never been applied, I don't think they understand the picture. You basically are called to use corporal punishment. That's what it says. A rod is for the back of him who lacks, and isn't it interesting that the Lord even tells you where to hit him?

Not on the front and not on the top, on the back where they've been designed to be hit. You know, I really think...I really think there's more back there than is necessary and I know some of you would affirm that. And part of it acts as padding for the discipline process.

God knows. Proverbs 13, 24 gets a little deeper into this stuff. Proverbs 13, 24 says, he who spares his rod what? Hates his son.

I don't know that it could be said any stronger. If you love your child, hit him on the backside with a rod. And if you don't, you hate your son.

Why? Because you're content to let that child grow into sinful life patterns. Is that what you want for your child? He who loves him disciplines him diligently. Stay after it.

Stay after it. Oh, you say, but you can't just be hitting your children. Are you sure God wants us to do that, to hit them? I'm positive. That's what it says. Let's go a little further. Chapter 19, verse 18, discipline your son while there's hope.

What does that say? You can wait too long. You can be too inconsistent. Discipline your son while there's still hope and do not desire his death. Literally, do not desire to cause him to die. If you don't discipline your child, you're really potentially spelling his death warrant because antisocial, undisciplined behavior can lead rapidly to death.

We see that in our society, don't we? Death through drunkenness, death through drugs, death through criminal behavior, death through venereal disease, all over the place. Children dying, young people dying, teenagers dying. Somebody didn't know the truth of God. Somebody didn't discipline them enough while there was still hope and they wished death on them because that's what comes. To irresponsible, sinful, wicked people who never learn self-control. Chapter 22 takes us further. Chapter 22, verse 15, and this sort of sums up what we've been saying. Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child.

The rod of discipline will remove it far from him. To me, I just, I think this is so great. Now, if we were to take, you know, 15 secular psychologists out of whatever university you want to pick and just bring them up here and say, now, we want to raise a responsible, moral, quality citizen who's going to make a positive contribution to the world, maybe change the quality of life in some way, who's going to be a noble person of high moral values, what do you suggest we do?

I think they could probably go on for months with their psychological nuances and talk about all of the stuff that psychologists talk about. And, you know, parents can get pretty paralyzed about it, too. I mean, even Christian parents can get pretty paralyzed about all the stuff you're supposed to do to work this little deal out. Can I suggest to you it really isn't that hard?

What it says here is pretty straightforward. You have a depraved and foolish child. If you want them not to be so foolish, spank them.

That's it. Now, if you stood up in the midst of some great conclave of psychologists on child behavior and said that, they'd throw you out the door and then sue you for abuse. But that's what the Bible says. Foolishness is bound up in the heart of the child. It's part of his depraved nature and the way to get rid of it.

Isn't that wonderful that God has made it so simple? Just inflict pain on them. And they'll finally say, I don't think I'll do that because when I do that, it hurts. It took a lot for me to get the message growing up. But I finally got the message that pain was not particularly enjoyable. My mother says to me that she would feel guilty because she spanked me so often and so hard. Listen, I can only thank my mother for that.

If she had not, who knows what kind of criminal person I might have been. You say, but oh, you might hurt your child. You might somehow wound your child or you might leave some emotional scars in your child. Look, the Bible says you've got a foolish child that's deep in his heart. Isn't it wonderful that you don't have to do some psychological training with the kid for 14 years to get it out? All you have to do is spank him?

I mean, you don't even need to go to college to do that. You say, oh, but it might hurt him. Look at chapter 23. This is for all of you who have a little fear. Verse 13, do not hold back discipline from the child. Don't hold it back.

I mean, it's so direct. Although you beat him with the rod, he will not die. It's not going to kill him. He'll survive because that's the typical response, oh, I don't want to hurt him. I'm afraid if I hurt him, he won't like me.

Oh, you hear that all the time. I wouldn't dare do that. He won't like me. Now he'll love you because you'll show him the path of righteousness. No, go ahead and spank him. He will not surely die. I love that.

It even indicates that the writer of Proverbs had a sense of humor. You're not going to kill him. I'll tell you what you will do.

You'll beat him with the rod and deliver his soul from hell. How important is spanking your children? Would you say it's a major thing?

I think it's the major thing. I think that's what this is all about. What a promise. You know, we're always looking for promises in the Bible that are practical.

That's practical. It's grace to you with John MacArthur. Thanks for being with us. John is a pastor, author, and chancellor of the Masters University and Seminary.

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