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December 16, 2019 11:09 am
This week on Family Policy Matters, NC Family Communications Director Traci DeVette Griggs talks with Dr. Richard Fitzgibbons of the Institute for Marital Healing. Dr. Fitzgibbons discuss his new book, Habits For A Healthy Marriage, and some of the most common and dangerous conflicts in marriage–selfishness and anger–and how to combat these conflicts.
Family policy matters in engaging and informative weekly radio show and podcast produced by the North Carolina family policy Council hi this is John Ralston, presidency, family, and were grateful to have you with us for this week's program is our prayer that you will be informed, encouraged and inspired by what you hear on family policy matters and that you will flow better equipped to be a voice of persuasion for family values in your community, state and nation, and now here's our host family policy matters Tracy to bricks. Thanks for joining us this week for family policy matters.
Most of us know that marriage is good for individuals good for children. Good for society but just because it's good doesn't mean it easy. Identifying and resolving major conflicts in marriage is key to restoring and maintaining relationships. Today's gas to spend 40 years counseling and writing about excessive anger and other psychological conflicts, especially in marriage. He joins us today to discuss some of the most harmful conflicts marriages can face and tell us how we can create positive habits and virtues to strengthen our marriages. Dr. Richard Fitzgibbons is a psychiatrist and the director of the Institute for marital healing. He's the co-author of forgiveness therapy in his newest book habits for a healthy marriage which attempts to bring understanding and healing to marriages and addresses areas that weaken them.
Dr. Fitzgibbons welcome to family policy matters. Are there some common conflicts that marriages face are common conflicts from some of them begin in our childhood and some begin in married life in one of the reason for writing this book is because many of the conflicts begin a trial must have a mind to fill it up psychiatrist mantra adult and child psychiatry and they were dealing with what Brad Wilcox at the University of Virginia, head of the America project called for the major marital toxins that I write about anger, self control and being emotionally distant. Those things don't "if they could do. They become often times when you're young I'm directing like a parent who asked that way most people don't realize. So one of the things I really like about writing this book to work on, let's go deep but see where these conflicts really begin because too often courtesy people freely giving up on our marriages because they think they begin their adult what effect. Many began because he never had a close relationship with father or mother or brother or sister, etc. it's very interesting so talk about some of the most dangerous conflicts in marriage okay number number one and number two are selfishness, the major enemy of marital love and we have a huge problem because we have an explosion of selfishness and the culture should be happy and fulfilling. And it is very fulfilling. If you think we if you regular think we the culture.
The cultural view of marriage, unfortunately, is the think more about my happiness marriages but my happiness that's a distorted view of marriage. The traditional view of marriage is a nurse that we marriage by giving of yourself, your spouse, to your children, and that is very fulfilling and rewarding. If you couldn't give in that area so mastering younger then that's done primarily through forgiveness. The process of forgiveness.
I can be very, very deep and process of fighting selfishness, so mastering anger we see is one of the most important aspects of protecting your marital love and protecting the trust between the husband and wife helping the children feel safe and protected okay so I I see the point of making sure that we, if were angry that when were not angry with her spouse. But what if what we are angry at our spouse.
You know what if there is something that they've done what you want good communication. One of the chapters on that you want to tell her spouse the truth about things in the open with them but without being angry. Try to paternity understanding with my husband, my wife upset about this are the anxious people become anxious than they become irritable nurse to become irritable, and secure the become irritable to them anything because your ability to talk with, especially honey are you feeling a little bit anxious to you stress out at home usually challenged were oftentimes talking about just bringing the car to the open is extremely important.
What happens to many marriage versus the couples are afraid to do that and I sue Norma's benefits to faith in married life that if you had your personal faith. You know that your marriage is a gift from God and the bond he puts there between husband and wife. If you really trust him with your heart, you're not afraid to talk about anything.
You know what I think you're overreacting anger like your father. This is a very common problem about what Christian men were fathers are good guys from all of her father's and so many marriages we guys can tend to repeat a father's tendency to be a little too angry or worse even being emotionally distant, not giving ourselves emotionally, fully, so this is growing in self-knowledge and very helpful so that we process things we don't do it in anger. So we feel angry my recommendations. This forgiven trust forgiven trusts because our spouse is rarely deliberately hurt us think they do hurt us in times of course that's usually because they're under some type of stress when you first thing forgiven trust. What happens is the feeling of anger slowly subsides and then feel forgiven. Love okay so let's let's take a step further because you said very rarely do our spouses hurt us on purpose, but in the case of like infidelity.
What we do with that. You question the challenging one so we sometimes feel there is an important instability in her throat.
But sometimes there is an explosion of fidelity in marriage to pornography. Sometimes there's a terrible problem with infidelity that comes from a lot of selfishness. So there it becomes very important.
Surely not meant to tolerated remit to hopefully look at the causes of it and identify the causes of it and work overcoming him one of the major causes of infidelity in the culture today is profound selfishness where the go in married life is not loving your husband and wife protecting your children losing the microenvironment: oftentimes will how much pleasure it can't get today and upon the killing of pleasure, then I have the right to find other happiness the spiritual life can be very very helpful if human love is wonderful but numerous numerous studies that show in depressive illness and anxiety disorders that the role of faith is very very helpful.
You could have another type of love that you can rely on that helps you feel strong and confident and protects you from fidelity but in infidelity on the major challenges of an audit course forgiveness box and humanly speaking, is not possible oftentimes not slick forgiving for divorce the children of divorce forgiven for divorce. Can I forgive for the oftentimes not, but they can do this they can think turned over to God or for that person's personal faith or take my anger. I don't want to be overly angry when you anger subsides when the understanding grows. Oftentimes marital conflicts because infidelity can be healed listening to family policy matters weekly radio show and podcast of the North Carolina family policy Council. This is just one of the many ways since he works to educate citizens across Mr. a lot of about policy issues that impact a lot of families. Our vision is to create a state a nation where God is on religious freedom sources families were in life's cherished more information about his family and how you can help us to achieve this incredible vision for our state and nation. Visit our website and see family.org units in see family.org and be sure to sign up to receive our email updates, action alerts, and of course our flagship publication family North Carolina magazine. We also look for you to follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and see you mentioned earlier that anxiety and depression can be addressed through faith. And I think another thing that kinda flies in the face of what we hear often in our culture is the sense that that has to be addressed by counseling or by drugs little bit more about that. There is a natural body research that shows liquid out of Harvard Medical School with 6000 7000 women those women who go to church on a regular basis. 7000 of them. They had no reported suicide's 5000 youth who had put the prayer services with the church prayed their life they had one third less of everything and I listen to so there's a strength that comes from faith. There's a sense of being protected by God's strength of hope comes from faith terrible epidemic of anxiety. So in the field and I'm in psychiatry today. I think medications we prescribed Chris and I think I'm right in saying there is 1/3 for the fourth most commonly prescribed dedication in this country.
Why is that with a lot of resort one is a terrible selfishness. One was selfishness for her. Chris called it's hard to trust people, but pure faith. You really trust God helping you in your relationships. I feel so badly for something someone in particular who would love to marry and have children and try to find a young young man who has a sense of mission for marriage and children. It can be extremely difficult for the good of bigoted churches where there are solid young men on the then they could find somebody there who have the same view of them for life. Meaning flexor faith and be very very beneficial as an adjunct and helping with depression because, like I mentioned earlier for many people the core of their sadness.
The core of their anxiety comes from having a parent to a problem showing them love my parents who drank too much or too angry and feel safe with sense of God as a source of love can help without loneliness. God's protector really deep in the sense of safety in life can help a person reach out and give themselves. This is an enormous problem interest in the children of divorce. The adult children of divorce have enormous difficulty even if they have the most wonderful marriage maintaining that marriage a sense of safety and protection because without the children with her parents divorce. I hope I didn't make it sound like help through counseling and drugs is not legitimate because I think we all know of course that there is a time and place for that. So we know when is it time that we know the week. We've got to have some healthcare. I think the key issue is if you're under a lot of stress and you're not sleeping at night is very important trend in psychiatry, they drilled into us.
If you want to help people stabilize their sleep.
If you can save a life or sleep you can see them five times a week are not going to help. So trying to have good sleep hygiene.
If there's a persistent sleep pattern but then sublime. A person might. It's a medication to help stabilize the sleep you can stabilize the sleep anxiety diminished significantly assist depressive illness. So there's a there's a time for some mighty medication, but I think by March, when it comes to addressing habits that are needed for healthy marriage person. I don't think the rules of mental professional is essential and I think looking at your weaknesses for every weaknesses. There are virtues that help us overcome those weaknesses and we just try to grow in virtues and process faith could really help them grow to have a healthy personality because for me the goal in married life is that a healthy personality, healthy personality you overlooked your character weaknesses. Try to overcome them through growth and virtues of faith experience in church that you will be a more loving and healthy husband or wife, and help help you parent your children so positive note, I think you said you sound very positive about the opportunities for people to make a difference in a marriage, as I am. So what is forgiveness look like. Have you seen some pretty dramatic changes in marriages over your years remarkably dramatic so many people and I think many people told me what in the last chapter, the book goes into an inventory we reach her parents look at their character strengths and their weaknesses.
This apartment in this new book. Many people told me.
Thank you dock the last chapters will be more than I ever realized that without realizing it. I'm repeating a weakness of a father or mother in anger, selfishness, mistrust being emotionally distant and uncommitted, not to repeat that now now. Good thing about the services that when people look at the other child to the real is what this is very deeply rooted just thinking about it is not enough.
So they bring in for component and they think I'm powerless over this. I want to turn the regard then major breakthroughs help.
This can be extremely helpful because there's a big study in Florida of couples in counseling 600 couples those who went to therapy Tracy were 2 to 3 times more likely to divorce than those who didn't go to therapy and why would I think one of the reasons for that is most of health professionals support the selfish view of marriage that will support the marriage or to go through some bumps in the road. If you work hard you persevere up that you work on virtues work on how to help you with the most marriages are sustained and strengthened through bumps in the road.
Well what we are about out of time so before we go. Can you tell our listeners where they can go if they want more information, including that your books please go to my marital website Merrill healing.com or they can go to heaven for healthy marriage that I miss on word and express several different sources I can go. Dr. Richard Fitzgibbons thank you for being with us today on family policy matters listening with housing.
We hope you enjoyed the program and plenitude in again next week to listen to the show online insulin more about NC families work to inform, encourage and inspire families across a lot of good or website it NC family.work that's NC family.org. Thanks again for listening and may God bless you and your family