Surviving Back-To-School Stress: David & Meg Robbins

There's not perfect wrapped bows but each one of us are being shaped as we all take steps of faith together and in our own unique ways because these types of decisions you make whether to stay on a team or not for a few more months whether they stay in a whole sport or whether wither down to one sport whether to move and what that means for your family those are the times that you can choose to show a lot of empathy but yet form resilience and how you depend upon God together a faithful God who will be with you that's his promise and lo I will be with you always. Welcome to Family Life Today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Shelby Abbott and your hosts are Dave and Wilson. You can find us at familylifetoday.com. This is Family Life Today. So wouldn't you love to have a program where we could just ask somebody that's really wise questions about marriage and family?

Yeah and just like what do I do about this situation with my kids? Well today's the day. Yeah because the Robins get to flip the table and we get to ask you questions.

That's not what I'm thinking. You know what you guys have more kids than we have so you win. You have four, we have three.

Robins are back with us. We actually have questions from some young couples. Yeah couples that are raising kids these are mostly in the area of parenting probably all of them are in the area of parenting.

Well actually I think this is even a couple that doesn't have kids but they're projecting like what will we do in this case in this scenario? So they're being really wise in wanting to get some wisdom. So we're going to fire some at you.

And you get to participate too. We're the ones currently in progress. Yes I was going to say I feel like we need to give the caveat that we're still in the middle of it so we're learning too.

And we've learned the hard way these not to do. Which one do you want to start with? Do you want to do the one we're just talking about off air?

Yeah let's do that one. How do you know when you're coddling your kids versus empathizing? Or the reverse showing tough love versus being cruel or harsh. Here's an example if they want to quit piano lessons do you let them quit or do you make them stick with it? I mean these are just super practical things every single parent has faced. This is the real life question.

Sports you name it. Yeah well I would say I flash back to what was modeled to me. And I go to being I was probably eight. I was trying out the swim team. I'd begged my dad. Dad I want to do the swim team. I want to do the swim team. And I go to the first practice and I got home and didn't want to do the swim team anymore.

And I woke up and I was so sore. And I mean we're having it out. And my you know like dad I'm not going.

I'm not gonna do this. Like David? Yeah it's like David we're we committed to this. And we're gonna commit for this first season you know for a few months.

And then if you don't want to do it but we're gonna do it. Our agreement was you do one practice we're gonna continue. And I wasn't usually that stubborn.

That particular day I was a really stubborn. He goes okay well our commitment was that we would continue. We would go back the next day for sure and for a short season. That's what we committed to. So I'll go with you today.

Let's go. So he gets his swimsuit on and he swims every lap and this is eight years old not Little League or anything like that. He goes on and swims every lap that next that day's practice. And it made me fall in love and I became a swimmer until I was 14. And I was not thinking about that when we were talking off air. But you asked the question again I go why where am I shaped from?

Like why do I think the things I do about this? Oh yeah my dad swam the second practice. And it was this subtle thing that we can't obviously always do that. You know you can't go get out on the legal leave a league filled with your t-baller. Or you can like me and break kids noses. But it is a all right you can empathize.

My dad did. He wasn't putting into a corner into a closet what I felt. He was still also saying but we're gonna do it. And we're gonna be resilient.

And I would go back to that time and I was like okay Robbins we see a commitment through. Like that's what we do. That's what my dad taught me. It doesn't mean it has to be my favorite thing forever. Doesn't mean I can't stop it later. But if I commit to a certain thing even if it's not going the way I want it to go we're gonna build some resilience and go do that. And that does end up paying the dividends in so many ways in my life. Yeah and I think it's also teaching our kids you can do hard things you know.

This is Sissy Gough and David Thomas. They start counseling. They always say that your kids can do hard things.

Yes. But we hate when our kids. Well we do. And that's where the empathy is a gift. I mean as a mom when you know one of our kids is hurting I feel it so deeply.

And sometimes I'm thinking I probably shouldn't be feeling this so deeply but I really think that God has wired us that way so that we can empathize with them. And just like your dad did I mean it's like okay if they come home from a practice or a piano lesson and they feel like their teacher has been really hard on them or is asking too much it's like listening letting them process that asking them like how does that make you feel man yeah that sounds really hard that would make me feel like I wasn't important or whatever you know just feeling it with them. But I think that the fine line there is yeah you can do hard things that doesn't mean because it's hard you walk away from it. You know if we did that as adults every time something got hard you know I probably wouldn't be parenting anymore. I mean there are so many things that are hard that come at us and where did I learn to stick with it probably when I was growing up or different things that have happened in my life that I learned to persevere. And we are promised by the Lord that we're gonna have hard things hardships and pain that comes at us but we have to learn to persevere through that and there are good things that come from that and it's helping our kids fight through those moments. I went through this same kind of thing but in the opposite way let me give you my story. I'm in my senior year going into track season I have been in track for six years at that time and I told my dad who's a coach he's very athletic I'm the youngest of four everybody's been in sports and I said hey this year I've decided not to go out for track and my dad looked at me he said this is not happening you are going out for track and I said the season hasn't started so I'm not in the middle of season the season's just beginning and I haven't given a commitment and I am NOT going out and he said you're gonna go out and then I'm sitting right across from my dad I'm like no I'm not and so it ends up he refused to talk to me he said I will not talk to you unless you go out for track. Here's what I wish he would have done because he manipulated me and I felt so full of shame and I already have a past of performance we're the best we come home with first place and I had been successful but I wish it's what you said Meg I wish he would have said tell me why yeah tell me the things that you're feeling it seems like you've been really successful you could go on into college if you want there must be something deeper within that just that question and it would have been I feel so much pressure I'm running the last leg of the mile relay I'm feeling all the weight it determines who wins the meet a lot of times if you're tight it's that race and I have the last leg of that race I have so much pressure on me all we had to have done is have a great conversation tell me more about your fear like there must be something deeper if you if you don't want to do it right it doesn't mean it's gonna change the answer necessarily if you're in the middle of the season but I think that empathizing piece what I love that you wished would have happened the result would have been a connection connection about what's behind it and you get in the thick of emotion for a parent and what a parent feels when a coach is mistreating or it gets soupy really quick and yet how do we in those moments okay the main aim how do I connect to my kids heart that still means we can bring tough love if that's what need to follow through on our commitment I'm not or now that I know why let's talk about that more I'm still not sure about that and but you know it could lead a lot of ways but that primary of connecting to our kids my mind actually probably was more predominantly going away from sports into when we are making decisions as parents that end up affecting our kids well there's whether to take a job or not whether to move or not it's a whole other realm of coddling or you can end up not listening to the Lord and getting paralyzed because you don't want to take steps of faith because we need to keep this right here going and which is why you guys experienced well we keep I mean all of us do but what do you mean by that big decisions sure yeah then you move like how old were your kids when you moved to Little Rock they were sixth grade fourth grade second grade and half okay so give us that journey you're there how many years it ended up being two years we had we were finally close to our parents and family you know they live in nearby in Memphis and in Mississippi and I had a someone who had replaced another founder of even bigger organization say David your number one job is walk with God and do what he says you just stay committed to that it'll be alright and now when walking with God and doing what he says with the team all of a sudden moving the organization's headquarters started it was this got really personal because we were finally coaster our parents I mean you always say like as God calls us your kids in different stages life is part of the values it is part of the journey you don't put it to the side but yet you got to know as the Lord starts leaving clearly he's gonna lead your kids too he has some for them in it also and I think where did that come from I that's a core belief of mine where did that come from well back when I was in high school we moved we actually went down to not much like my mom went and had a job we kind of to restart life a little bit and our resources were lower we were some of the happiest we had ever been really because we were following God to where the next step he had for us and we end up we were taking those steps of faith that the Lord had for our family and we had less than we had ever had those were hard seasons but it led to some of this this beautiful simplicity that led to really joyful times in our home wasn't perfect time but joy for time and it's like Romans 12 to do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind that by testing you may discern what is the will of God what is good acceptable and perfect James 1 you know I counted all joy my brothers when you face trials of many kinds in the testing your faith produces steadfastness and it goes on to wisdom and it makes you perfect complete not liking anything which is Jesus in you that's what he's doing in our lives as a parent you know how is the moves and it's not just move its moves affecting your kids yeah as you look at him now yeah well because I thought it was pretty beautiful the way you guys brought your kids into this decision to move to Orlando hmm yeah well I remember the day that we told our kids that we would be moving to Orlando and our oldest was eighth grade at the time and he just was upset visibly as we all were we were all in tears you know and we had just told staff that day and we were telling kids that night I mean you say what Ford said to you yeah well he doesn't shut down he's our verbal processor and he was shut down and so he's going up the stairs after some long evening and gone buddy just give me something what are you feeling and he goes dad I don't know if I'm angry at you or angry at God all I know is I'm really angry and what came out thankfully there was the Lord was kind I just said how buddy that makes a lot of sense to me and I just want you to know I know God can handle your anger and I can handle your anger to like come to us don't wall up don't shut down I'm here for ever the journey is those are the types of things that that shape you you know the story goes on there's not perfect wrapped bows but each one of us are being shaped as we all take steps of faith together and in our own unique ways because these types of decisions you make whether to stay on a team or not for a few more months whether they stay in a whole sport or whether wither down to one sport whether to move and what that means for your family those are the times that you can choose to show a lot of empathy but yet form resilience and how you depend upon God together a faithful God who will be with you that's his promise and lo I will be with you always there's no other girly guarantee other than he'll be with us right and it's gone well the main thing is though he's been with us and he keeps shaping us sweet have you guys talked about or even now just think about mistakes you feel like or regrets I remember when our kids were a little I remember I think I did a message once a sermon like regret free parenting little kids so I had no idea what I'm talking about you can't live without regrets you have things that you wish so I'm wondering if you know let's come to my I'll tell you a quick one that our listeners have heard about me but I'll keep it really short because they've heard this story but my sons are old now older they're adults married with kids and two of them said to me that they felt like I was more intimate with the congregation than I was with them basically sharing weakness and stories on stage and sermons that they never heard at home and when they said it the second I heard it and I knew they they had talked about this this is not like an impromptu conversation they had talked and they both have felt it so they both came to me but the second it came out I knew they were right it wasn't like defend it wasn't like no it was like yeah oh my goodness I'm so sorry so there you know it's one of those regrets that I couldn't change but I can obviously do better now but as you think about you know mistakes or things you wish you would have is we help other parents right now think through what are some things that are like okay that's a good learning for us that we don't want to do that I mean the one that comes to my mind is something that was so unintentional I mean as of course I'm not gonna intentionally hurt my children you know but recently I was in a conversation with one of the kids something came up about a project that they were working on but it had been kind of like a year-long thing and at some point along the way he had changed the topic and the plan of the project and something came up about he said the only reason why I had chosen that other topic in the first place is because that's what you wanted me to do it hit me so hard and I was like oh my goodness what do you mean and so it turns out that I had made a comment about you know something they were gonna be working on for a whole year so I was like you know pick something that's like valuable worth your time gonna keep you in it you know and I had probably kind of like downplayed one of the other ideas not knowing just how attached he was to the other idea he did change to the one he really wanted to do and I was thrilled that he was able to change and do that but as we talked about it months later I had no idea that he was really doing that so please me as I thought about it I mean I think I actually teared up in the moment because I was just like I can't believe he felt that way and I didn't know it and so I went back to him the next day and I was like hey I just want you to know that I'm probably gonna do that again unintentionally like say something I do not want to manipulate you but I think you felt manipulated and I was like I would want and invite you to tell me when you feel that way in the moment because I am a broken person I'm gonna make mistakes but my desire is for you to be who you are and for you to pursue the things that God is giving you a passion for anyway I just was like I am so sorry because that was not my intention but I totally see what you're saying and I had done that I mean looking back I wanted it to be a certain thing that was probably my intention without me knowing it if that makes sense yeah yeah you know we felt that from our parents when they've unintentionally made comments about things or you know so yeah remembering those weight of your words you know that yeah being really sticky I mean a big lesson for anyone is you going back as a parent saying I'm sorry well and I invite you yeah huge for a kid this since mom dad really do invite me to speaks maybe some that's contrary to what they're thinking into their life I think he knew you meant it yeah I mean it led to a really good conversation I think of just I'm not gonna do it right all the time and laughs I was like you know that a lot but I sometimes need you to let me know you know when you're feeling that yeah I think for me the thing that's coming to my mind is not this big moment you know there's there's moments and then there's ingrained patterns and how do we really take to Jesus the ingrained patterns we have that can just come up when we hit our default you know natural living in our flesh mode and for me I just go I end up just wanting to close the loop like all right we're done and we're gonna solve it this way and I'm an activator and that can end up closing off a process that can end up not letting them come up with their own decision you know they end up having to alright well I'm gonna do what dad told me to do and I'm not trying to over function and I think part of it is you get so many things going on at work you can only have so many open tabs at one time it's my okay we're gonna close this tab you know even walking through the college decision process this year it's like these tabs are still open it's part of me activating on an ingrained pattern and going okay I'm gonna choose a different course for one of these big decisions now the hard small decisions and when this comes up really quick I still got a lot of repentance often to do yeah I think that's one of those things I'm seeking to grow actively in one of the things I wish I would have done is I wish I would have gotten some counseling because we were struggling in our marriage we all do we go through these valleys these Peaks these great times these hard times but in our early years I was resentful of Dave the time that he was spending away from home and that resentfulness man I carried it I played with it in my head and that spews out in the home it's spewed out to the kids where I was short I was snappy and it wasn't them I was thinking it's just this phase of life I'm in but that the light on the dashboard was going on get help get help get your heart checked get your engine chip and I wish that I would have understood that if that's going on especially if we had this area that kept cycling back cycling back if you have an area that keeps cycling back up it's like God's grace of saying deal with this look at this there's something deeper it's not just that you have little kids it's not just that you're busy and you're tired this is an area if it keeps cycling back that I want you to look under the hood and go deeper into I wish I'd have gotten counseling earlier because as the kids got older that area was still there and I was getting sleep and I wasn't as tired and as a result I think my frustration was taken out on the kids often because we just carry it and it just comes out as impatience and so that's one thing I mean our kids have given us so much grace because I did continually apologize and ask for their forgiveness but I think I would have had been a better mom had we dealt with our marriage issues and you would have been so great with like yeah let's go get some help but it was also back in the day that we really didn't know as many people that were in therapy now I love that that's very common yes and it's so helpful oh so helpful go seriously it's gonna be one of the best gifts you give your kids yeah cuz you'll get to some of that we said it earlier at the very beginning we bring family of origin stuff in and then we parent out of that and we pass it on I wish yeah I agree I would say the one big one was I wish I had been more intentional about many things we heard this when we were younger parents and now we're older and we can say it's true you're gonna blink they're gonna be gone you're literally gonna be shocked at how fast it goes and then you'll be like oh I miss those like how many times I say you know I'm gonna I'm gonna do a weekly breakfast you know and ask him questions and impart spiritual I've never been doing a weekend remember with Mick Yoder who's long gone this is way back when I'm a very young dad and he's a grandpa and sitting you know as a co-speaker listening speak and he said I would have a breakfast with my son each week I'm gonna do that you know I go home and I did it for three weeks and then I didn't I wasn't intentional stay on it and I think there's some regret there so if you're a younger parent put it in your calendar have somebody hold you accountable and do it because you're gonna wish when you're my age you didn't miss those days that God gave you because they're gonna go by a pass and you get to seize the day now mm-hmm you know one of the most comforting things as we have the conversation 2nd Corinthians 4 it's just coming to my mind verse 7 but we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not us and now there are things we want to trust him with and we want our lives to pour out the living water to people around us and especially our kids the freeing thing is we aren't the living water yeah where the jar of clay and there are cracks in our jar and we have this treasure living inside us that we will not live out perfectly but the perfect one can flow through us to the next generation and there's freedom in that to keep trusting God the next day I once heard a pastor say God uses crooked sticks to draw straight lines and really isn't that what parenting kind of is we are crooked sticks but we're in the hand of the one who draws straight lines and as David said we're not the living water and you know what that's a good thing because it releases us from the pressure to feel like a perfect parent I'm Shelby Abbott you've been listening to David and Wilson with David and Meg Robbins on family life today you know I mentioned no perfect parents and David and Wilson have written a book called no perfect parents it really helps give practical advice and biblical insight into the world of parenting and the Wilsons are phenomenal communicators as you already know sharing real-life stories that will resonate with every parent you can get your copy right now by going online to family life today calm or you can click on the link in the show notes or feel free to give us a call at 800-358-6329 to request your copy again that number is 800 F as in family L as in life and then the word today and you know this is a unique season and I don't want you to miss out on the biggest sale that the weekend to remember marriage getaway is putting on all registrations right now for the weekend to remember marriage getaway are half price until September 16th so whether your marriage needs a boost or you just want to grow closer as a couple now is really the time to act you can visit family life today calm and click on the weekend to remember banner to learn more and register now coming up next week we're gonna hear insights from Tim Keller's the meaning of marriage as David and Wilson discuss truth love and grace in your marriage relationships that's next week we hope you'll join us on behalf of David and Wilson I'm Shelby Abbott we'll see you back next time for another edition of family life today family life today is a donor supported production of family life a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most