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Who Comes First In a Blended Marriage? Ron Deal & Gayla Grace

Family Life Today / Dave & Ann Wilson, Bob Lepine
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August 30, 2024 5:15 am

Who Comes First In a Blended Marriage? Ron Deal & Gayla Grace

Family Life Today / Dave & Ann Wilson, Bob Lepine

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August 30, 2024 5:15 am

Who comes first in a marriage? And how to communicate it well? Hear from Dennis and Barbara Rainey, Bob Lepine, and Ron Deal and Gayla Grace as they discuss how to prioritize marriage in a blended family and how to implement family meetings towards that end.

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I don't think a lot of biological parents are trying to put their spouse in the backseat and their kids in the front.

That's not their heart or their intention, but it is sort of the way it works out when you lean towards the kids and making decisions. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Anne Wilson. You can find us at familylifetoday.com. This is Family Life Today.

Welcome to Family Life Today. I am not sitting here with my wife, Anne. She is not feeling well, so I'm sitting here with Ron Deal. It doesn't quite look like Anne, but man, can this guy bring the goods.

Definitely second best when it comes to it. Wish Anne was here, but it's good to be with you, Dave. I wish she could be here too, but Ron, it's going to be great. Ron directs our blended family ministry here at Family Life Today, and whenever we're together, you always end up asking me something. I don't know. I'm never really ready for it, but it's like you put me on the couch, and you sort of dive into my life. It's so profound that you just made this day, because I actually have a question for you, Dave.

I'm not going to let you ask it. Okay, I'll let you go. Hey, did you ever feel like, once your stepmom came into your life, did you ever feel like your dad loved your stepmom more than you and your brother? Oh, yeah.

No question. I mean, my situation was I lived with my mom full-time, my biological mom, and would fly down to my dad in Florida. He was an airline pilot, so the good thing is I could fly free.

That was nice. But for years, it was just I would go down, and it's just dad and I. It was father-son time. And sometimes my older brothers were there, so it was the boys and my dad.

And then when I was in middle school, I fly down, and he's got Beata, his wife, which she was an amazing stepmom to me. But yeah, I felt like I didn't even feel like I was in second place now. I felt like I was in fifth place. It was like they were in love. But from that moment on, I felt like I was not the priority anymore.

See, that's a heaviness. Everybody hearing that is just sort of holding that, going, ugh. You just sort of want to hug that child.

Yesterday on the broadcast, we started talking about a conversation I had with Bob Lapine and Dennis Rainey, former hosts of Family Life Today. And we were talking about when children need to be moved to the back seat. And I'm listening to you, Dave, and I'm listening to that, and I'm thinking, you were moved sort of to the back of the airplane. There's the metaphor for you.

All of a sudden, a lot of things changed. And so what do you do with that? How does a couple manage that process well so that children don't feel left out or left behind, but so that the couple is able to lead the family from a position of unity? That's what we started talking about yesterday, and we're going to do part two today. Yeah, that's a really critical conversation.

So we're going to go back and hear a little bit more with Ron and Dennis Rainey and Bob Lapine. I want to ask at this point if you treat this like Barbara and I did, which was, instead of going through the battle at the moment of who sits in the front seat, you have a family time, and you just say, hey, you know what? This is a point of constant strife in our family. So here's how it's going to work.

Yeah, that's exactly what you can do. You can anticipate this in a blended family and go, you know what? We've picked up on this. There's some weeping and gnashing of teeth every time we have a front seat moment in our home.

What does that look like? I consult my husband about parenting. I didn't ever have to ask anybody before. I was a single mom.

I could do whatever I wanted. Now I'd stop for a minute and I ask him, and the kids notice, and they go, wait a minute, why are you asking him? Well, this is a front seat moment. Well, I'm asking him because he's my husband, and I know things have changed. And you want your kids to understand the loyalties are to the other parent, the marriage has to be a priority, and that they need to feel secure in that commitment that you're not going to run the show by yourself? Yes, absolutely.

Or let the kids hijack the car. And so you do some proactive, hey, we're going to have a family meeting. Just want you guys to know that some things are going to change around here, and this is why. Now let's just pause for a second and talk about language because I learned a hard lesson. When I wrote the first edition of The Smart, Stiff Family, it came out in 2002. And in that edition, I talked very directly about this matter, but I made a mistake in how I worded a few things. I used language that implied that somehow there was more love for the spouse than for the kids. I don't even remember exactly how I said it, but that's what a few people would walk away from.

I'd get letters and I'd get questions at conference events that I do around the country, even now. I learned, wow, I got to change that because, for example, we say it's God first, then your spouse, then your kids, right? And what are we saying with that? We're saying we prioritize those relationships. Why do we prioritize marriage? Scripture talks about leaving father and mother, cleaving to your spouse.

That is the start of a new home. It's the marriage relationship that lays the foundation. But sometimes when you say that to somebody who has children from a previous relationship, what they hear is abandon your children, reject them, leave them in isolation, and spend all of your time and energy with your new spouse. That is not what we are saying. When I wrote the revised expanded edition of the SmartStiff family that came out in 2014, I changed that wording.

I was very careful because I knew what people had heard. That's not what we're saying. What we're saying is that there is a one single important relationship in your home that will eventually bring stability to your home. But now notice, in the beginning of a blended family, putting your spouse in the front seat actually creates a little instability in your home. Now that's backwards.

That's not something that's typical. That's not true of biological families, but it is true of step families. It's another adjustment for kids. But eventually it does bring stability to your home because you as a couple are leading from a position of unity and togetherness and oneness and the children see that and honor that. And Ron, we've been talking about calling a family meeting and getting the step children and the bio children together and addressing them as one group.

It might be wise for the bio parent of the children to address the issue separately from the step children so that it's not a us versus them. Here's how we need to absorb this as a little miniature family, as a part of the bigger family. And that's wise. And the message of that biological parent can be to their kids, look, you're the greatest kids in the world and no other children in the universe are more important to me than you guys. Oh, by the way, there's no other adult more important to me than my new spouse.

Now I realize that that means for you that you don't get as much time with me. And every once in a while I talk to him or her about decisions and we're a team and you know, you may not always like that. And as the best kids in the universe, I want you to rally around this person I love.

Yeah, invite them to that. And it's going to be in your best interest, kids. You need to understand, if our relationship is strong and healthy, it's better for you than if yours and my relationship, parent-child relationship, if that's strong and healthy but mom and dad are not doing well, that's not as good for you as a kid as it is if mom and dad are doing fine and from that strength we can be your parents. I think that's one of those truths that we can say to kids and is true and someday they'll get it.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking. They may not get it when you say it. Bob was talking to adult kids. Well, I have to tell you, because this is not just a step-family issue. Right. In intact families, kids try to divide mom and dad.

They try to compete. And in intact families, new mamas often give their heart, time, and attention to their kids and daddy's now kind of on the sidelines because mom's got this new love in her life. So this child-centered versus married-centered issue happens in both intact families and in blended families. Brian Loritz tells the story about getting invited to do ministry in Dubai and they said, we'd like to invite you and we'll send you two plane tickets. And he said, okay, Cory and I, my wife and I, we're going to go to Dubai. And he said, one of my kids said, why are you taking mom?

Why does she get to go to Dubai with you? And he said, well, because I kind of love her more than I love you. And you know, you think, you don't want to say that to your kid. No, it helped his child to hear. And he went on to say, and you know what?

Someday you're going to leave and mom and I are going to be together long after you're gone. And this is what's important. This is a really good point. And I want us to unpack what you just said, because there is a difference in saying that in a biological family than in a stepfamily.

And here's the difference. When you say that tongue in cheek to a child, because I love her more than I love you, something inside that kid kind of laughs along with it. Because they know that your love for them is unmistakable. And it's good and right that you love mom. In a blended family, that is unclear. Sometimes children say it's good and right that you love your new wife, my stepmother. But sometimes they're like, wait a minute, I'm your flesh and blood. How can you say that? So what has a positive impact in a biological home can have a negative impact in a stepfamily home. These stepkids have likely been through some kind of loss.

They have. And so when you say I love her more than I love you, they're hearing loss magnified. Oh no, here we go again. Wait a minute, you said that you love dad and then you guys divorced. So now you're saying that you love this person more than you love me. Does that mean you're getting rid of me? So it does have very different implications given the narrative of the family's journey, which is why this is important.

And by the way, what we're doing right now, guys, is so helpful. This is what I call going around the horn. We're going around the family and we're jumping into the shoes of the child and saying, why would they react harshly to this idea of putting your spouse in the front seat? What's going on for a kid?

Well, yeah, sometimes kids just want to ride in the front and they want what they want. But also, I've been through some pretty rough stuff. I've lost connection with somebody. My family has gone through major transitions, a tragedy of some sort, a death or a divorce. I don't want to go through another one of those things. They're hypersensitive to the idea of being pushed aside because they've seen it happen already in their home. Of course, they're not going to welcome this new person riding in the front seat of the family car. What you have to do as a parent is understand that but not be paralyzed by that. That is the big mistake that biological parents make. They see the pain in their child's eyes and they go easy. And all of a sudden, they're putting their kid in the front seat and their spouse in the back seat.

That's the wrong move because over time, you may have prevented a little bit of pain in your child's heart in the moment, but you've created a bigger pain on behalf of your family in the long run. You're listening to Family Life today, and we've been listening to a portion of the Family Life blended podcast with Ron Deal. Man, that was a great point that Ron just made. Let me tell you, to hear the entire episode, you can listen to episode 108. By the way, while you're at it, subscribe to the Family Life blended podcast or share it with a friend who can benefit from it.

This is great stuff. I know you're loving it, and we're going to go back. Ron actually sat down with author Gayla Grace and just really had a conversation about his conversation with Dennis Rainey and Bob Lapine.

And you're going to love the insights they're going to give you. So let's go back to that conversation now. I think a lot of people wake up and realize, oh, I thought I was helping kids, new spouse, by catering to the children, keeping peace. And now I can see I've created an environment where the children and my spouse can't get along and they resent each other. I know you've seen some of that. Those are hard wake up moments, aren't they?

They are, and they can be prevented. And I think that's what we're trying to help blended family couples understand, that it does feel easier in the moment to just go along and allow the child to remain in the front seat. But it's just like so much of parenting. If we can keep the long view in mind, what we really want in the long view. We don't want that child in the front seat forever. I mean, that's not going to feel right. Even to us, even to that child, probably in four or five years, they're going to know they don't belong there. So we just have to cut it off. Yeah, that's a good observation. It's perspective. Yes, you want family peace, but sacrificing long term peace and harmony for the sake of quick and momentary really comes at a great cost. Okay, let's back up and grab a couple of those themes that came out.

I'm your flesh and blood. Why does prioritizing the marriage initially create more angst and conflict in kids and within the family, do you think? Well, I think it's because of what that child has already walked through. So there's been a loss already, whether it's divorce or death of their parent. And probably during those single parent years, there's been a real bonding that happens between the child and the mom or the dad, maybe depending on who has primary custody. And so all of a sudden, they're being asked to be pushed aside again. And that just feels like a lot to a child, I'm sure. I think you've really hit on something here. Really, there's another structural change going on within the family.

Let's back up a little bit. So mom and dad together, raising their children, and then breakup occurs, death, divorce, something. Now they're not together. Now we're living in two single parent homes as the children move back and forth between dad's house and mom's house. And during that season, there's a restructuring of the home. It used to be centered around mom and dad's marriage. Now it's centered around children and the activity that takes place in children's lives because one parent is basically centering their world around the kids. And so there's another radical structural change happening to the household when another adult comes back. And now we have to shift back to kind of be in a marriage centric driven led home. That doesn't mean you get to be selfish.

Nobody's saying that. It's just that your marriage is kind of the thing that leads everything in the household, not children. Right. But it is back to a marriage, but it's with a person that this child doesn't know and probably doesn't want a relationship with, at least not in the beginning. Yes.

They're not excited about them being in the car, let alone in the front seat. Right. Exactly. So you have differing agendas between the biological parent and their own children about how to position this person. And for the parent, it's a new beginning. I mean, you are the one that made the decision to remarry.

Your child didn't have any choice about that. So you're excited about it and you kind of think your kid's going to be in the same place and it's likely they're not. I really think people underestimate the significance of this restructuring of the home back around the marriage and how visceral that is, even for children. And it is such a huge shift. You know, one of the things we know about kids is that sometimes they have a harder time adjusting to a parent's marriage, to a step-parent, than they do to their parent's original divorce that led to the blended family in the first place.

Why is that? Well, because it's another radical structural change to their world and their life and how the home functions. And for adults, it's not an unwelcome change.

It's a welcome change. And so that's where the problems begin to come in. So all of that to say to our listener, putting your spouse in the front seat is important to the longevity of your home, the stability of your home, stability of your relationship as a married couple, but also the step-parent's relationship to the children. There's a lot of things riding on this, no pun intended, and you got to get it right. And you also have to be really patient with your children in the process. It's a balancing act. And you're not going to get it right every time. Some days, you're naturally going to feel much more called to a child's heart, depending on what that child has had happen that day, perhaps.

So do you think there's some balance to it? You even said it earlier that sometimes stepdad just needs to voluntarily get in the back seat. And we're not just talking about the car. We're just talking about in reference, in general, in these relationships.

So really, the vehicle could be time. You know what? You need to have some time with your kids, and I need to step out of the picture.

Let me just make this easy for you and them. I got a hobby. I'll go do my hobby.

And you have some exclusive time with your children, together, one-on-one, however you choose to do that. That is a gift. That's kind of hopping in the back seat momentarily. Right.

It needs to happen. And if you don't have a hobby, go find one because I totally agree. The bio-parent needs some time alone with their kids. By the way, here's another practical suggestion about walking this out, and then let's talk about how to, practically, Gayla, what it looks like to put your spouse in the front seat.

What does that look like in real life in a way that's not overbearing and gives consideration to the kids? I think about a time early in our marriage when Randy said to his kids, there was strife. They were not accepting me. I felt rejected. I was struggling, and Randy knew that. And in front of me, to his kids, he said, Gayla is not going away.

We just need to figure out how to fit her into the circle and all get along. And that's a way of putting your spouse in the front seat. Yeah. That's a front seat moment. Exactly. Yep.

That's a good one. I just think of, again, the vehicle of time. Carving out a little time for one another, husband and wife time. Hey kids, sorry you got to work on homework or play your games, whatever you're doing. But we're having 10 minutes of coffee time after dinner. Little things like that that just show how important time is with that other person makes a statement to the children. Right. It doesn't have to be some expensive date night that takes the whole evening.

I mean, you just said it. 10 minutes of coffee with just us. Don't interrupt us unless you're dying or bleeding or something. Here's another one. A kid comes to you with a question, and forever and a day as a single parent, you gave them an answer immediately. Didn't have to think about it, talk to anybody, consult with, nothing.

Bam. There's your answer. Well, now you say, you know what, let me get back to you. I'm going to run this by so-and-so. Your spouse, not so-and-so.

That didn't sound right. But you get the idea. And the kid's like, well, why do you have to talk? Well, that's a moment. That's a front seat moment. You're saying, no, they're important enough to be included in this decision. Right.

That's a front seat honoring sort of moment. Exactly. I don't think it has to be complicated. And it certainly does not mean that everything in the world is all about your spouse.

We're not saying that at all. If there's anything anybody's heard me say, it's move toward your children emotionally, even as you're moving toward a spouse, their step-parent. You do both because the statement says, I love you and I'm committed to you. You're the greatest kids in the world, like we said on the broadcast. And at the same time, this person over here is the greatest adult to me in the world. And each gets to be equally important. I don't think this is about who wins, spouse or kids.

Don't turn it into that. Right. Both win, but both can't have you at the same moment in time. Right.

They can't have all of you. And so you are divided when it comes to time and energy, but your commitment to both is what moves you forward. Yeah, and we've spent a lot of time just kind of talking through the concepts, but I think it is easy to remember. It's sometimes it's just very simple actions that are going to put your spouse in the front seat in the figurative sense. We've been listening to a portion of the Family Life Blended podcast with Ron Deal and he had Gayla Grace on there at the end.

Ron is with us in the studio. So, I mean, that conversation, Ron, has me asking and I'm sure our listeners the same thing. How does a spouse inadvertently put their spouse in the back seat and their kids or their bio kids, especially in the front seat?

Yeah, a good question. And I'm glad you picked up on inadvertently because I just want to be clear here. I don't think a lot of biological parents are trying to put their spouse in the back seat and their kids in the front. That's not their heart or their intention, but it is sort of the way it works out when you lean towards the kids and making decisions.

So, for example, I got an email not too long ago from a woman saying, I'm the stepmother. My husband's two kids are in their early 20s and anytime they need money, my husband gives it to them. And my stepdaughter recently made a series of poor decisions and now she's in debt and she's got unpaid parking tickets and whatever. And my husband's just, you know, he's doing it all for her.

How is she ever going to learn from her mistake? That's a good example of dad's rescuing. He's putting his daughter in the front seat. He's putting his wife, the stepmom, in the back seat. And he's really not even considering the bigger picture because he feels sorry for his kid.

He's catering, giving in, right? You've got to be aware of that and you cannot let that be the pattern of your home. Now, sometimes people make a single decision, but it's the pattern that becomes problematic. Another one has to do with time. Here's an example we heard recently in our ministry.

Actually, we've heard this a lot. It's my wife's kids are coming for the weekend. She doesn't get a lot of time with them. She throws 100% of her time and energy into her kids for two and a half days.

And basically, I don't see her and my kids don't get any of her either because she's 100% over there. You know, it's understandable why a parent would want to totally make the most of the short time that they have when visitation takes place. And yet, at the same time, there's got to be some balance over the course of your family's journey together because that communicates some important things to the children that are there for two days. They need to consider other people also. So, it's easy to inadvertently put your kids in the front and everybody else in the back, including your spouse.

But it's a dangerous move. Yeah, and as you were saying that, I was thinking this happens in bio-families as well. It does.

It does. I mean, sometimes it's inadvertent. Anne and I have had conversations where now as grandparents, I have felt sometimes like, man, the grandkids are number one, especially when they come over for the weekend.

So, it can happen anywhere. And honestly, you've been talking about it the last two days. We listened to your conversation with Bob and Dennis. You've got to make a choice. My spouse is most important and the marriage comes first. You want to be mindful of one another. You want to have conversation.

How can we do this? Sometimes we do need to put those kids in the front seat because they're grandkids and we want to make them feel special. And yet, we also need to show them what supporting one another as husband and wife looks like, too.

Yeah, it's been great stuff. Thanks, Ron. I'm Shelby Abbott and you've been listening to Dave Wilson with Ron Deal on family life today. And we deeply care about step families. We deeply care about all families. And one of the unique things that we got to talk about today with Ron Deal was learning the kind of intricacies and details that are different about step families as opposed to biological families.

And, you know, Ron Deal has talked about this before, but I wanted to highlight this with you. There is an event coming up in October, October 10th through 11th in Dallas, Texas, called Summit on Step Family Ministry. It's really an opportunity to have two impactful days filled with things like main stage presentations where there'll be biblical teaching and breakouts and then really networking opportunities with ministry leaders from across the nation who deeply care about step families. You can learn a little bit more by heading over to summitonstepfamilies.com.

That's summitonstepfamilies.com. And, you know, we believe in reaching blended families, as I just talked about. So if you want to make your mark on helping us to reach blended families, we'd love for you to do so by partnering with us, linking arms with us and becoming a donor, becoming a part of the solution of this ministry to reach families for the glory of Jesus Christ. Our goal by the end of this month is to raise $250,000 in new funds by the end of August. So each donation that you make is going to come with a couple of thank you gifts.

One of them is a limited edition Family Life pen, along with a copy of Brant Hansen's Unoffendable. So if you want to partner with us to help this ministry reach more families, you could do so by heading over to familylifetoday.com and clicking on the donate now button at the top of the page. Again, that's familylifetoday.com, or you could give us a call at 800-358-6329 to make your donation.

That number again is 800-F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today. Now, coming up next week, David and Meg Robbins are going to be here with David Ann Wilson to talk about marriage as a team. What does it look like in the ups and downs of learning how to work as a team as a husband and wife? Well, the Robbins's will be here next week to talk about just that. We hope you'll join us. On behalf of David Ann Wilson, I'm Shelby Abbott. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a donor-supported production of Family Life, a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.
Whisper: medium.en / 2024-08-30 07:12:50 / 2024-08-30 07:24:21 / 12

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