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Remarried? Here’s What Your Kids Need: Ron Deal and Rod & Rachel Faulkner Brown

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August 9, 2024 5:00 am

Remarried? Here’s What Your Kids Need: Ron Deal and Rod & Rachel Faulkner Brown

Family Life Today / Dave & Ann Wilson, Bob Lepine

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August 9, 2024 5:00 am

What's it like for a child when their parent remarries? Explore the unique losses and needs of children in blended families in this important conversation with Ron Deal and Rod and Rachel Faulkner Brown.

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You can try to talk to both little parts of their heart. Something like, you know what, if I were you I get it. I can see how calling me dad just feels weird and if you need a break from that, that's okay.

So you give permission to that child needing to use a different term and then you try to talk to the other half of the heart and say, but I want you to know that I love you like crazy and this doesn't affect our relationship. Welcome to Family Life Today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Shelby Abbott and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at familylifetoday.com. This is family life today. Okay Dave, did you know this?

I probably didn't. The blended family ministry at Family Life teaches that no one in a stepfamily has had more loss than the children. Oh, that has to be true and I know Ron Deal says the problem is that often the adults, the parents and the step-parent are unaware of what the kids are going through. I know my dad and my stepmom had no idea what I was going through so they missed the chance to help them, you know, the kids with their grief. And I get it too because the parents are going through a lot of trauma anyway and you know who else doesn't get this is church leaders.

Oh yeah. And that's one of the reasons we put on the premier blended family ministry conference for church leaders. The summit on stepfamily ministry is our annual event for church leaders and lay couples. October 10th and 11th 2024. It's gonna be in Dallas this year.

We'd love for you, someone in your church to come and you can check the show notes or go to summitonstepfamilies.com to learn more about it. Okay, so yesterday we started listening to this great conversation between Ron and Rod and Rachel Faulkner Brown that was released on our family life blended podcast earlier this year. And so far we've heard about Rachel's loss before they got married but in today's episode we're gonna get to look into the lives of their kids. So let's pick up that conversation at that point. Now they were really young.

Yeah. But that doesn't mean they're not grieving one, number two and the way children grieve is over time. So you know when they're 10 and when they're 16 and when they're new layers of life and new things pop up in their mind they have to think back about how life was or would have been. I'm just curious as you guys have looked over the last 10 years what have you seen in the children that you would just say yeah that was grieving, that was transition, that was adjustment.

With Davis I think we saw it early on. I traveled our whole marriage and they both were so excited to have a father. I mean I'll get emotional even thinking about like what Davis was saying as we're up there you know getting married.

He's like four or five? Seven at the time and he's just like thank you Mr. Rod. Thank you Mr. Rod's work like praying and doing our vows you know so it's overwhelming thinking about that much less being there. Being there was really overwhelming in a beautiful way in a beautiful way but it seemed like when I would leave town he would miss his dad and we started realizing it was only happening when I would leave. We were thinking maybe that is him kind of in this in-between space like grieving his dad and somehow me in there because he grieved a ton growing up from what Rachel's told me I mean a lot. When we moved you know moves are like setups by God to like upset your routine upset your utopia and that happened when we moved to Huntsville from Columbus.

We left the house that Blair and I owned. Davis like was four and so you know he really grieved moving leaving his friends like so he went through this initial grief had not really grieved before that but that move and then of course marrying Rod was which was a good bit later. And then never saw Campbell really grieve or talk about any of that until she was probably around 10 or 11. I began to sense like a little anger in her towards me and towards anything that was related to me. I didn't know what was happening and I probably felt it for three or four months and then one day Rachel said I don't know if it was through a counseling session or there they're just talking I can't remember but she's like hey she's grieving you know she's like grieving her dad trying to figure out okay now I have this dad and now grieving her real dad for the first time. I'll never forget I was in Rhode Island and she called me after a counseling session and just said hey I got some things to tell you and I'm like okay and she said I realized I'm not gonna probably call you dad I have a dad and even though he's dead you know I still think of him I'm not sure how I can love him and love you and she just told me all these things that were you know obviously heartbreaking but at the same point I was like hey whatever you need you know at the end of it I said man whatever you need Cam that's fine if if you don't need to call me dad you know I love you and I'm here for you and it's okay you know I just got to put me in a place I honestly Ron was so excited that she got it out and told me really I was just so grateful I got off that phone and I literally was going thank you God thank you God thank you God that she is getting this out of her into me so now it's no longer a secret between her and I it's out there. So here she is you know afraid to say this and unpacking and getting it out there there had to be a sliver of your heart that was sad for sure just grieving over but there was another part of your heart that was happy and joyful for her yes and then what say a little bit more about glad it was out because that what took the pressure off the two of you or what? I think well probably it wasn't between the two of them anymore I feel like more than anything now she has told me so this thing that's been between us that's been unsaid is no longer unsaid between us. So now she shared this and you know I was just so grateful I mean I just I remember exactly where I was in the parking lot I was in and just thanking God for that well then I'm five minutes later I get a call and she's like hey I wasn't emotionally satisfied with your response again 11 year old and I just really went back through it I said well you said you weren't gonna call me dad for a while and I was like hey I want to support you I mean I just want to be what you need I'm okay with what you need to do as you grieve this and as you figure this out and at some point she abruptly hung up the phone and then I tanked so I went from like in 10 minutes like really praising God to tank and I was like tanked for 24 hours I wasn't coming home for three more days and so you know there was a big part of me was kind of dreading coming home so what what was it she didn't get from you yeah I don't know maybe she needed me to fight for her I think she was mad that she wasn't mad that she was mad you know what I mean I think it was like well I want you to kind of fight back you know and like reject me calling you rod you know almost I'm sure her estrogen was like out of control and I mean she was very prepubescent and I think that is like a really like like knowing the times and seasons of your kids you know yeah guys this is so important for our listener and I just want to add a little commentary I don't know what was going on for Campbell in that moment I can't even begin to jump inside that and explain that for her but here's what I think I can say on behalf of many children and that is that her back and forth her hot and cold her I need to not call you dad but I would need you to fight and want me to call you dad is so exemplary of the confusion that children feel yeah about biological parents and step parents I've said this so many times in seminars I've had kids sit in my counseling room and say I like my stepdad that's my problem I don't know what to do with him I don't know where to put him if I love him too much it feels like I'm moving my dad out of my heart and I can't stand that idea and I feel guilty and sad about that and so liking you is part of the problem like it they're drawn to you and at the same time they don't know what that means for the other caregivers in their world that they appreciate value and so you can be thoroughly confused as on the receiving end of that as a parent going what in the world's going on I don't understand this messaging what you just need to know is it's confusion trying to work itself out of a heart of a child who's 11 yeah pretty sophisticated and emotionally satisfied but at the same time very very unsure of herself and really doesn't have a good perspective on all of that emotion no right no and I will tell you I did a little interview in Campbell just preparing for this we sat at the dinner table and I was just like ask you some questions and she said I was afraid that you love dad more than me meaning rod and she said I think that was the problem there you go yeah it's a moment or the time there that 36 hours it was like this beautiful thing happened and then now I'm in the tank just like and that was my heart towards her I was like hey I'm patient I love you I'll wait you know I'm be here with you grieving and pause this is five years in our marriage she's been calling him dad for five years like what she started call me dad before way before we got married you know and so I was on the trip and the old going home for three days so I was really nervous about coming home and I think within two days of getting home I was taking her to school or taking her somewhere and we just started talking and she just kind of revisited that call not in a negative way but just sharing it and we talked about it and then talked again the next day had another chance to talk and and then it just seemed like all sudden we started ramping up you know just having the best relationship we've ever had over the next years but it was just really obviously very important for her process all that very important for her to grieve and really important for her to tell me those things and so I'm glad she did and I'm glad that was quickly you know back to call me dad and all that so I want to point out some things you did right buddy way to go hey you didn't pull away from her you moved toward her you kind of got back into the routine driving her to school the simple little rhythms of life and yet emotionally available and connected and not afraid of her anger or rejection I think that's mistake number one you don't love me then fine I'm not giving you whatever no especially adults gotta manage their pain a lot better than that and you're just unknowing could have made you vulnerable to rejecting her and it didn't so way to go that's that's the right move I'm also imagining somebody's listening right now going yeah so Ron what do I do my kids confused and they're saying I don't want you to be my dad anymore like how do I respond to that well I don't think there's a way to cut the baby in half and satisfy everybody and have this magic moment where you do exactly the right thing I think what's most important is that you can try to talk to both little parts of their heart something like you know what if I were you I get it I can see how calling me dad just feels weird and if you need a break from that that's okay so you give permission to that child needing to use a different term which you did by the way yeah and then you try to talk to the other half of the heart and say but I want you to know yeah I love you like crazy and this doesn't affect our relationship and you know you're my daughter and in my life and I am gonna continue to be family with you nothing's changed as far as I'm concerned I'm still just as crazy about you as I was before and we will be no matter what you call me you're sort of talking to both sides of their confusion if that makes any sense yeah and you're giving permission to what they need to do and at the same time you're pursuing and saying affirming their worth and value to you now at the end of the day I'm not saying please don't anybody write me and go Ron that didn't satisfy my 11 year old I'm not saying it's gonna make an 11 year old okay I'm just saying it's messaging that eventually I think they can hold on to and find their way through with but no it doesn't fix but it does represent your heart and moves you toward them you're listening to family life today and we're listening to a portion of the family life blended podcast with Ron deal and his guests were rod and Rachel Faulkner Brown and here's what we believe it family life and with family life blended we believe it's that families can be healthy strong and that's why our blend of family ministry exists because we believe that and if your church would like to make a difference to join us at the summit on step family ministry October 10th and 11th in Dallas you can find the link to sign up in the show notes and let's get back to the conversation I'm curious let's talk about Campbell's sibling Davis older brother yeah as he had some similar kind of back and forth no or has it been different it's crazy Davis is really fascinating I mean rod is his dad like it's very odd how like he met he said it throws me off when people call rod my stepdad he was like he is not my stepdad he was like it almost makes him angry that people like refer to him that way so it's like really interesting like I mean you were dad pretty much from the beginning but you were dad in his heart and in his mind where Campbell kind of in her mind you were dad but in her heart she was still and it's real interesting because like you would think Davis would have made me struggled more with a male you know that male to male like I miss my dad you know but anyway it's been yeah Davis is such an anomaly he was actually angry at Campbell during that time when she was kind of rejected me and I have to talk to him through that hey buddy you grieved back here she never did so this is her time yeah because he'd be like just relax it's okay she just needs to go through this it's okay and then she's gonna work through it and you grieved a lot she never got to do that and so here's her grieving so the reason I brought this up is because I sort of suspected that it might be like that there's something about step sons and stepdads that bonded nests can really fill a gap for a young boy but you can't narrow it down to gender it's just within a sibling group you could have one child that is on this journey and another child's on a different journey sometimes they're walking side by side sometimes they've parted ways and there's conflict between them because of that just like that happened there with Davis to our listener our viewer like wow each child is an individual right and they're gonna be on their own path and you just can't make any assumptions about where any particular child is is gonna be and we always teach go with that child pace with each child not pace with the sibling group as a whole no pace with that child so Campbell says I need a pullback okay that's what we'll do I'm still loving you I'm still here taking you to school a couple days but you can use a different term for me right now and but Davis is like nope 100 miles an hour forward we're not slowing down hit the accelerator no break okay pace with that child yeah go with that it can be confusing as a step-parent because some days you don't know whether you're coming or going depending on who's in the room but that is the journey you guys may or may not know we lost a middle son Connor when he was 12 yeah and so as we have journeyed now for almost 15 years without Connor we've watched our other two boys they each have their path they each have their way their style their personality their expression of their sadness and grief and and there have been plenty of moments where I had an anxiety about how they were doing it and you know you do you have to talk to yourself you have to go oh wait a minute is this my need or their need or how do I meet them where they are and sometimes I do want to offer a little perspective and guidance but you know at the same time it's got to be their journey not mine like it's all hard at the end of the day it's you feel like you're shooting at a target that's moving and you're just unsure so lots of prayer lots of prayer talking to other people come you know getting community around you with folks that maybe have a little more experience with it than you do and just trying to find your way yeah and I don't create opportunities for my kids to feel sad and I see that happen a lot with widows though they like want to manufacture things to like help their kids grieve and I'm like they are gonna grieve like they are some of that may be good I don't know I'm just that's just not my personality but I've seen people manufacture things like for instance we went and did a balloon release and both the kids like lost their mind because they lost the balloon y'all missed the whole point and so I'm just kind of like you know why do I need to go manufacture something for them to be sad about if they're okay they're okay I think the most important thing in those things you know is just providing space when they are right you know not trying to talk them out of the grief when they're grieving I think it's just like man getting in the well with them and being that you know grieving with them as best we can unfortunately I don't know how much role I can play in that over the years except for just be okay when they are you know it's I just had like these two points coming together when Rach said you know I wanted them at some points to miss her dad more you know and talk about him more because there was some points in our marriage where she's like I want you to get to know more about Blair and tell them about Blair and I was like I don't know how to do that I feel like it's you know grandfathers and all that kind of thing but that was probably your just desire for them to do and that makes total sense to me I want them to know all they can about Blair their dad I knew that I wasn't the person that was probably the best to do that with them but now I like I get it like that you were feeling that and that you were like oh this is a way I can tie that together and they can maybe miss him more as maybe knowing more about him or something but I think just create space for them we've been listening to a portion of the family life blood podcast with Rod and Rachel Faulkner Brown and Ron deal the host of that podcast now joins us in the studio Ron welcome back it's always good to be with you guys thanks for having me hey Ron one of the things you mentioned earlier in the podcast was talking to parts of a child's heart I know I need to understand that so help us understand what do you mean by that yes well kids and adults you and me both Dave need to understand this this is just some language that sometimes helps parents and couples to be honest and individuals just sort of understand the parts of themselves when they're experiencing something so we were talking about helping kids understand the part of them that is grieving over the loss of their dad and there's another part of them that is excited to have rod as their stepdad well sometimes those two parts get into a fight in our heart we call that a loyalty conflict where we're not sure if we can move toward the step parent in this case without feeling guilty over missing the biological parent well the same thing happens with us as adults there's a part of me that's really stressed about work there's a part of me that's all frustrated or wrapped up with a relationship in my extended family or there's another part of me that's happy and feeling optimistic about life and sometimes those things just get into conflict with one another and if you articulated in a way this part of me feels this that part of me feels that this part of me is experiencing this all of a sudden it sort of helps break it down in a way where you can look at it a little more objectively children in particular just sort of feel like well I just got one big place in my heart and I am feeling this one big emotion and it's sort of messing with everything else well when you can break it into parts it makes it a little more manageable and it helps them to see well wait a minute I can still be loyal to my father who is deceased and now love this new person in my life and that's really not a conflict it makes space for new possibilities that's helpful for everybody yeah I was gonna say that's marriage advice that is exactly and here's the marriage application a lot of conflicts couples have are about a parenting is situation right yeah well sometimes I need I know a nan and I's really I'll say okay well my dad heart is feeling this I really want to come alongside our child and help them but my husband heart feels like that puts you in the middle as my wife and you're feeling something different about this and so I realize the dad part of me and the husband part of me are sort of in conflict and sort of making conflict for you as it relates to our child so just talking through it that way sort of helps me understand what's going on with me but it certainly makes it easier for my wife to understand what's going on with me yeah one of the things you you guys talked about was how different the reactions were of the children to their new stepdad is that common run for their reactions to be totally different it is if you just want to think about how hard it can be to be a step parent just ponder for a minute you have four step children for example and one of them is so excited you're in their world and they are moving towards you in every way imaginable child number two is sort of like yeah I could take it or leave it you know you're you're nice to have around and your money's good and you you do wash my underwear and I appreciate that but no I'm not gonna be kind to you because I don't really know what to do with you and then child number three is sort of like you know they have a very different response even from the other two and child number four is like no I'm 22 and I'm moving on with life and I don't need you at all in my world think about how confusing that could be for that step parent I am a totally different person to each one of those individual children it's not necessarily common that in a sibling group they're all gonna have very different reactions but it is common that there is some variation between kids and one of the things because of that we teach step parents and by and the biological parent who's also involved in this is be impatient with yourself not expecting too much out of you if one thing is going really well with one child okay rest in that enjoy it feel good about it and this child over here it's a challenge it's not going so great okay keep pressing but you know don't work too hard at it meet them where they are pace with the child is the word we would use and just recognize that they have a different level of openness to you you got to meet them where they are and try to grow from there yeah that's good stuff hey last question I know rod and Rachel have both have ministries how is their blended family impacted their ministries well you guys know from your personal story and I know from my own marriage and our personal story that any ministry you're involved in is affected by your personal family relationships if things are suffering at home it's really hard to have the best of you to offer into a ministry that you're involved in that's one reason we're so committed to helping pastors come to the weekend to remember for example to helping people who are involved in ministry get their own support for their own relationships so they can turn around and minister to others rod and Rachel have found their ministry that they're involved in we help people understand step families really well so they can be serving blended families in church and community which again brings us back to the summit on step family ministry it's going to be October 10 and 11 this year 2024 in Dallas we would love for someone from your church whether you or someone or a small group of people to come to that event attend together learn more about how you can help blended families be redemptive family homes and then go back to your church make a difference Ron it's always great to be with you and having you on with us today this has been really helpful thank you thank you I'm Shelby Abbott and you've been listening to David and Wilson with Ron deal and rod and Rachel Faulkner Brown on family life today as Ron deal mentioned the summit on step family ministry is coming up October 10th through 11th in Plano Texas you can learn more and get all the details by heading over to family life today calm and we believe in reaching blended families obviously we've been talking about that today and if you want to make your mark by helping us reach blended families or any families for that matter you can partner with us by making your contribution to the ministry of family life linking arms with us and helping us to make every home a godly home if you want to make your donation you can head over to family life today calm or you can check out the show notes or feel free to give us a call with your donation at eight hundred three five eight six three two nine again that number is eight hundred F as in family L as in life and then the word today now coming up next week Alan par is going to be joining David and Wilson to talk about seven lies that distort the gospel learn about those from this famous youtuber and his mission against false teachings that's next week we hope you'll join us on behalf of David and Wilson I'm Shelby Abbott we'll see you back next time for another edition of family life today family life today is a donor supported production of family life a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most
Whisper: medium.en / 2024-08-09 06:18:52 / 2024-08-09 06:29:30 / 11

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