Remarriage After Loss: Ron Deal and Rod & Rachel Faulkner Brown

One of the favorite things that I think we get to do is we get to hear from some of our listeners. Yeah, it's awesome. So Chris from Tennessee, he said this, I listen every day and I'm so glad that you have the app because if I miss a day, I can go back and listen to it. And oftentimes I go back and listen to programs from before because they're worth repeating. And here's the great thing, there are millions of Chris's and Christine's out there listening to the Family Life broadcast, the podcast, they're going to our Weekend to Remember marriage conferences, they're buying our resources.

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Oh yeah, he's the best. It's called Unoffendable. Yeah, you're never offended, neither am I. But no, it helps us to live an undefendable life. And we're going to send you a living edition family life pen so you can take notes of Grant's book. I want one of those. And it's just another way to remember you're making a mark and we're making a mark together. So go to familylifetoday.com and make a mark right now. We need you. I think we had no idea what to expect. And I think we both went in positively in believing that God has us for each other. So this is going to be great. This is going to be fine. We're going to work this out and then you get into things that are like, wow, okay, I didn't think about that or this or all those things.

Yeah. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Shelby Abbott and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at familylifetoday.com. This is Family Life Today. The blended family ministry of family life says that step families are born out of loss and then born into ambiguity, which is another loss. And let me tell you, that's a tough way to start a family.

Well, and that's super true. But today's story reminds us that God has grace to see families through and not only to see them through, but to see them grow and flourish in faith. And today we get to listen to a portion of the Family Life Blended podcast with Ron Deal. And he heads up our blended family ministry here at Family Life. And recently he spoke to Rod and Rachel Faulkner Brown about their blended family journey. We've also had them on Family Life Today.

And what a great couple. And as you're going to hear, Rachel and Rod's blended family was formed after Rachel was widowed, listen to this, twice. And sometimes we think step families following the death of a parent, that can be easier.

But as you're about to hear, that is not a fair assumption at all. And that's one of the reasons our annual summit on step family ministry is so, so important. We've talked about it here a lot. But we help church leaders, pastors and lay couples alike really learn how they can minister to blended families, no matter how they came to be. So the next summit is October 10th and 11th, 2024 in Dallas. And man, we'd love for your church to come or have somebody from your church there. And you can check the show notes or go to summitonstepfamilies.com to learn more about it. Even if you're not in a blended family, listen to this discussion about loss and just helping our kids because that applies to every one of us.

And you might also listen to know just how to help a friend or family member in a blended family situation. You may remember that Rachel was on Family Life Today with her daughter Campbell back in February. Which was amazing.

Oh, it was amazing. She was talking about her eating disorder. And man, she was so honest and so helpful. And the family background for that story is the blended family story you're going to hear about today and tomorrow. So Rachel Faulkner Brown, she's an author. She's a Bible teacher who speaks to women and widows through her ministry called Be Still Ministries and Never Alone Widows. And then her husband, Rod, he's the lead strategic consultant with Irresistible Church Network. And he's been in ministry for over 25 years.

After being widowed, Rachel brought two children into their marriage, Davis and Campbell. So here we go. I met the two of you, I believe, at a Windshape Marriage Conference Center in Rome, Georgia. You guys came and attended a seminar I did a number of years ago for step-family couples.

And I got to start here. Rachel, as I recall, you told me once you really didn't like what I had to say. Is that right?

No. She did not like it at all. You ruined her entire weekend.

Oh my gosh. Which ruined my weekend, Ron. It was special, let's just say that. Yeah, I mean, I was so distraught. You said it would take five to seven years. I was like, no, that is not our story.

I refuse, I reject that. I mean, I was just so like, you know, Pollyanna about the whole thing. I was like, no, that is, that is not, we're just not going to struggle like this. Five to seven years, oh, seven plus. Yeah, for sure.

I mean, every bit of it. You were, you were like all crock potting and I'd already blended us in the Blendtec and it was like over, you know. How long had you guys been married at that point? I think we were in our first year. But I knew we needed you. You know, I think that was the thing. I was like, we need help.

We don't know what we're doing. But in my head, we had it done really well. The blending process, the integration of the family members was going to go quickly in your heart and mind.

And when I suggested that maybe it wouldn't. That was so offensive. She's fast on everything, Ron, because she thought the oneness in marriage would happen when, before we made the, I think when we got engaged, she thought, oh, that's going to start now. Yeah. Yeah. Oneness has always been our joke. Like, we're one. So, and you know, we were like one from the moment we walked down the aisle in my head. I was just like, again, everything in my head is like Mach one speed. And it's just not.

I mean, it's just not. When this is going to take a little while, it's we've been married 10 and a half years. And so looking back, what would you say about the Crock-Pot approach now? You know, I'm a real big fan of the Instapot.

So that says a lot about how I roll. And so I'm like pressure cooker. And and honestly, Crock-Pot is is the best description of what we've had to do. I mean, it's just, you know. And I would say even the marination process, like we marinated for like three and a half years and then we cooked.

There was even like more to that story, you know, because it's not a lot of times you don't just throw the stuff in there. And and I wanted to just pressure cook it the day we got married. And it's accurate.

It's insanely accurate. And and honestly, Ryan, you get a better flavor in a Crock-Pot. I've taken that a little bit further, but you do get more flavor when when it takes longer.

It's like cooking on a green egg. You know, this just gets better and better. It does. It does get better and better. And then you you weather hard things. You learn how you weather hard things as a blended family. And so I think that piece of it, you have just more experience under your belt. You like know how he's going to react.

I know how I'm going to react. And we can meet each other in that versus like struggling through that because we struggled through hard things. I think it's so important for people to know, because based on your expectations, right, if you have high expectations and thinking, hey, we're going to blend really quick and we're going to be perfect right off, you're going to be frustrated for so long when that's not happening. So to really understand, oh, that is going to take a while. We're not going to be where I want us to be for a while.

If you can settle in there, I think everything is a little bit, you know, the waves are the waves are smaller versus the waves being really big of having this expectation that everything is going to be smooth. So set the stage for our listeners, if you would, Rod. What led up to you guys meeting? What came together? What's the back story for you, for Rachel?

And eventually what I want to do is wrap back to what you just said and ask. So how did you as step parent have to settle into this is going to take a while, but let's just start with what led to the two of you coming together? Yeah, I was single for a long time, never had been engaged to dated quite a bit over the years. I've always traveled a lot in my job and yeah, never got to that place where, you know, went and bought the ring and said, hey, let's get married. I met a friend of Rachel's probably a year and a half before she and I met and a couple of times she was just like, I'd see her every now and then. And she'd say, hey, I have this woman. I'd like for you to meet every time I was like, sure.

I always took the approach. If somebody knew me and loved me, why wouldn't I want to meet one of their friends? You know, why wouldn't I meet somebody that they wanted to introduce me to? Finally, she made the introduction and I think it was over email and Rachel in the email back to me was like, Hey, did she tell you anything about my story? And I said, no, she's like, well, watch this video. I was like, wow, I get to watch a video about her story.

He doesn't like to watch a video. And it was a video that her church did in Columbus, Mississippi. And it basically with her sharing about having lost two husbands, you know, losing a husband at 23 and then being widowed again at 30, I responded with, wow, that's a lot, but, you know, I'd still love to meet you. She likes to joke with me and I understand why, but I was like, I don't want to do a lot of telephone. I was like, let's meet sometime, but I had been in the situations before where you got to know someone over email or phone, and then you spend time with them and you're like, Oh man, you know, this is not a great match. And so I kind of pushed that off and just like, you know, let's wait till we meet each other and you know, the first day we met, we probably spent six or seven hours together. We met near where I live and did a walk and coffee and breakfast and another walk and another walk. And yeah, I think that day I was just like, man, I'd love to see, you know, see this woman again.

I'd like to get to know her better. That began, gosh, I think in October and in March we got engaged, you know, it went pretty fast at the point I was 45 when I met her, 46 when we got married. So yeah, it went, it went really fast.

We were in separate cities all except for the last month. We bought a house together and she moved into that house and which was nice to at least start getting the familiarity of like, okay, I'm going to be a dad. I've got two kids, you know, and all that. Rachel, expound a little bit on being widowed twice.

Yeah. I mean, Brian, you know, it's one of those things where you never think this is the way your life's going to turn out. I mean, I was, you know, starry eyed, dating my college sweetheart. He has a massive aneurysm when I'm 23, he's 27. It's just, you know, shocking doesn't even capture like that word is just so like, minuscule to what that is just, it's seismic.

That's probably a better word. And it was seismic. I mean, he was my everything. It was the only guy really I'd ever been serious with, you know, we were, his family was my family. I mean, we'd been together almost eight years when he died and, you know, remarried two years later, we didn't have kids. And I just, you know, it was so different, just moving on, I just became the single girl at 24, 25. I mean, it was just like, yes, that happened, but I very much compartmentalized it. I mean, as someone who's very emotionally unhealthy would do and of course, I had no idea that word even existed. I mean, I don't think Pete Scazzaro had written the book yet.

You're saying when you were widowed the first time, you didn't have children and you just compartmentalize that didn't grieve? I mean, what does that look like? I mean, not really. I mean, Rod would probably say 100% you didn't grieve.

I mean, I did. I mean, I missed him, but I didn't know, I mean, who knows how to grieve at 23? I mean, let's be honest, like I'd lost a grandparent. That was the hardest thing that had ever happened to me at that point. She died when I was a junior in high school. We were very close. So I had experienced loss of a grandparent.

So that did help. I'd had my best friend lost her dad to cancer. She died like, you know, six weeks after he was diagnosed. So I went through that with her, but again, it wasn't like my inner world. You know, I didn't see my grandmother every day, you know, I mean, I let people off the hook who were young and, you know, it's just like, you don't know what you don't know.

I mean, I was literally clueless. I was just looking for the next like fun thing to do. Like what's the next trip? You know, and my in-laws were very much travelers.

They invited me. You know, we just kind of kept playing in the next thing, you know, and I didn't have a counselor. I mean, there were like two counselors in my city, I mean, and one of them was a psychiatrist and I surely didn't need that yet, you know, so it's hard for people like me to grieve.

It really is. And I think, and I hate to say it, but I think I knew that. I think he knew the call of my life. He knew, he knew that I would implode at 35 after, you know, two deaths and all these other things that had happened to me, because it will, you know, there, there is a beach ball that we're all trying to push underwater and it doesn't work. And at some point, especially when the beach ball keeps getting bigger, the beach ball just kept getting blown up more and more.

And so I was constantly in Christian circles trying to push that underwater and make it work. And that just doesn't work for a long time. And then you just get tired and you're like, okay, well, whatever, I'll just, I guess I'll heal.

And then something happens and you get to rock bottom. So I didn't grieve Blair or Todd. I really didn't. I mean, not until I was 35 and Rod met me in that, you know, I think 33 was the implosion. And so anyway, bottom line, I remarried two years later, still very unhealed, still carrying a secret, you know, and I just take all that stuff that had compiled into my marriage with Blair and I mean, he was a family friend. Then you had the two kids, Davis and Campbell, and that new marriage starts.

And then what happens when you're 30? Yeah. And he goes out on a beautiful sunny day to fly his beloved T-38, which is a fighter trainer and ready to go Mach 1, gorgeous blue sky day with a student pilot who was 22 and his wife was seven months pregnant in the backseat. They took off with a full tank of gas and both were instantly killed because the cable in the wing broke and I, you know, I was left with a five month old little girl and a two year old little boy and widowed twice, but I mean, this time was insanely different. I mean, you know, it was, it was epic. I mean, it was so, you know, if I, if I thought Todd's death was seismic, I mean, this was like an earthquake around the world.

This was like, you know, tectonic plates shifting in my life. And so I did a lot of things well, I did a lot of things really wrong. And so that's why I started Never Alone. I was like, well, maybe I can help one or two widows to like not make the same mistakes. You know, I was so desperate to like assuage those deaths by meeting someone who knew those husbands like I was so determined to marry like Todd's best friend, you know, and like just to keep this, you know, just a part of Todd, a part of me and I see that a lot with widows. I mean, we just, we so want to take a part of, of what was into what could be. And I did that with Todd and I did it with Blair and I'm just like, oh, wow, wish I wouldn't have done that. So really, I mean, it was like, I wish I wouldn't have done this and let me go help somebody else not do that.

You know, not make, as I say, red flags pink. You're listening to Family Life today and we're listening to a portion of the Family Life blended podcast with Ron Deal and Rod and Rachel Faulkner-Brown. And we mentioned already that blended families start with loss. But as you can tell, the backstory really matters to how that new marriage begins. So let's go back and keep listening because there's a lot more to Rod and Rachel's story. So you guys meet, you start to date, you're on this journey of beginning to figure out grief and sadness and sorrow and all that. Rod, I got to turn to you and go, okay, so she brought all this to the table. I'm wondering what you saw, what you didn't see in hindsight, what, what did you miss? How was your attitude and heart about meeting her as it related to the grief that she was carrying? Oh, yes, Rod. Great question.

I don't even know how I can, if I can answer that adequately. When I met her, I just saw a really, you know, a strong, awesome woman. Survivor. Yeah. I saw somebody who's super positive, loved adventure, loves just surprises, well, maybe not surprises, but getting out there and just doing things she wasn't planning on doing, you know, just being open to the world.

Yeah. I just saw these positive things. And I think for me, what I always wanted was a partner. I dated women and I felt like that I kind of, maybe for lack of a better term, took care of a little bit emotionally or this or that or whatever. And I met Rachel and she was just like immediately partnering with me, even in dating. And I just, I was like, wow, this is something I always wanted. And I knew that I knew that in me, there's like, I want a partner.

I'd verbalize that before, you know, partner in ministry, partner in life. So I think I just really saw all the positive things in her at that time. I think we talked a little bit, you know, about the other things, but it just seemed most of the time she was just excited and ready to roll in life, you know, that our relationship was fun and great. And I enjoyed the children. I've always wanted to be a dad.

So that was, you know, a huge bonus for me to get two beautiful, awesome kids couldn't wait to be a father. So I think we're both probably looking at mostly the positives. Looking back, what did I miss? I don't know what I'd say. I missed this on her, but I think what we missed was sitting with a couple that had maybe been through what we were about to go through, you know, had a blended family and could kind of sit down with us and say, Hey, these are some things you might want to think about.

Maybe somebody who'd been single for a long time, like me, somebody who'd been married before like her and just like walk through with us of what we could potentially expect. Because I think we had no idea what to expect. And I think we both went in positively and believing like God has us for each other. So this is going to be great. This is going to be fine. We're going to work this out. And then you get into things that are like, Whoa, okay, I didn't think about that or this or all those things.

Yeah. We were us-ness, you know, what is it us-ness that you talk about and family-ness like we were like professionals on that. Early on, I had really limited how much Rod saw the kids because I had introduced the kids to another man that I was dating and, you know, hindsight living in two different cities.

That was even hard. Even I was talking to Campbell last night. I said, What would you have done different? She was like, I wish we could have spent more time together before y'all got married. Like I wish we could have done more family dinners. And I'm like, Me too. But he lived in Atlanta and we lived in Huntsville. You know, there's things I wish.

It's so tricky for widows, especially because you don't want to like commit and go move somewhere. If you're like, just to like try it out, there is such a trust factor with blending. I mean, it is like, I trust God. I trust God financially. I trust God like this is who you've planned for me because you can doubt that upside one down the other. I mean, like, once we committed to each other, and I will say for us, like, we were very committed from pretty much January on. I never thought Rod was like going to bail, you know, I never doubted that. And at the same time, you know, I mean, once we were engaged, it was as good as if we were married.

Not yet. I mean, that wasn't the truth. We were in different cities. But at the same time, we were like, that was the ball was rolling engagement was really too late. You know, I mean, it's kind of like once you're engaged, it's like, we're all, you know, like, oh, there was always an out. She doesn't know what I did the day of, you know, Well, I just want to add a little, little comment there for our listener and viewers is, you know, when your kids are really, really young, as yours were, Rachel, it really is wise to go slowly and introducing them to a dating partner. Because they can fall in love with that person, you know, deeper and wider and with more intensity than than you are or have. And so that's important.

If you know, they're over the age of five, then there's this sort of gradual, you know, general recommendation is a gradual introduction, building relationship, but spending more time. More time they can spend together, the more everybody has confidence that there's something here we have to work with, you know, not then we've got everything formed before the wedding. That never happens. Because crock potting didn't start until the wedding. I'm a firm believer in that whatever time you've invested is beneficial. It's adding some heat, if you will, to the pot itself. It's readying everybody to begin to cook. But the cooking doesn't really start until it's real. So here's the thing. We all do the best we can with what we know and what we know to do. And there's always hindsight.

There's always looking back, there's always and some regret will come along with that. Okay. All right.

But what do we do with it? I'm sure everybody listening right now thought, yeah, there are things in my I didn't know before I got married again. There's things in you.

I definitely didn't see before we got married again. I had no idea, for example, how that grief was going to come out of you in different moments or how grief was going to come out of the kids. You know what?

Let's talk about that for a second. I'm curious. Now, they were really young, but that doesn't mean they're not grieving one, number two. And the way children grieve is over time. So when they're 10 and when they're 16 and when they're new layers of life and new things pop up in their mind, they have to think back about how life was or would have been.

I'm just curious, as you guys have looked over the last 10 years, what have you seen in the children that you would just say, yeah, that was grieving. That was transition. That was adjustment. We've been listening to a portion of the Family Life Blended podcast with Rod and Rachel Faulkner-Brown. And Ron Deal, the host of the podcast, now joins us in the studio. Wow. You left us with a cliffhanger, Ron.

I know. Here's the bottom line. People are going to have to listen tomorrow to hear the answer because I'm here to tell you their kids definitely did have some transition and grief did show up in a number of significant ways. Well, we heard at the beginning, Ron. You guys were laughing a little bit because they really didn't want to believe what you say about how long it takes a step family to form. We've actually quoted you many times saying the same thing, and I find it sometimes hard to believe.

So talk about that a little bit. Is that common for step families or even any of us to believe it takes, we say seven years, is that right, Ron? To form their identity.

That's right. It really takes on average anywhere from four to seven years for the average blended family to kind of settle their, I like to say it this way, their family-ness to figure out who they are, how they're going to connect that identity, as you said, and it just takes longer than people think. There's good news and bad news in that. And let me just tell you everywhere I go, whenever I'm speaking, doing a live event at a church or in our book, The Smart Step Family, we unpack this to a great detail. It is shocking for the first time for somebody to hear that because they think, well, wait, now see, they're beginning to calculate, we love each other and yeah, the kids are coming along and they're not maybe as excited about this as we as husband and wife are, but it's not going to take very long. I mean, everybody's going to love each other quickly and hey, you can like each other, you can get along. We've all got family members that we get along with, but we don't necessarily have a deep, intimate connection with extended family. And the same thing happens in step families and that's common and it just takes a while.

And as you guys know, there's a metaphor that we use that's really helpful for people to just sort of see this for what it is. And it's the, how do you cook a step family question? And we all want to cook it in a blender or a microwave because that takes about 30 seconds and then it's done and ready and everything's good to go, but it just doesn't work that way.

On average, it takes five to seven years. That's kind of analogous to cooking in a crock pot that it takes five, six, seven, eight hours, depending on what you're making for it to really taste good. Yes, you could jump in the stew an hour or two in and you could eat it, but I wouldn't recommend that.

I mean, that's going to be ugly to taste. Somebody's going to get sick and go to the hospital. No, it takes six, seven hours. Then by then, what has happened guys?

I know you know this, Dave, just from your family experience, you guys have watched this and seen this in others. What happens in a crock pot? Everything warms up on its own time. It then softens, the ingredients soften, and then they begin to share of themselves. That is essentially what has to happen.

Each person has to find their warm up. They have to find a way to then soften that outer shell, those loyalties or those questions they have or the, how does grief impact my bonding with the present relationships now? All of that has to sort of get figured out before I start sharing myself with another person and really forming family-ness. We help people understand that and settle into the process so that they can make the most of it. Yeah, I know that probably for Ann and I, it took us five years without any kids to be married.

Hey, me too, brother. It takes time and then you're going to throw in other kids, teenagers, you name it. I know when my dad got remarried, it was at least seven years, maybe 10 years before I felt like my stepmother was sort of my mom.

Obviously that's part of the whole thing. Tell us a little bit about the summit. Summit on Step Family Ministry is our premier ministry equipping event for leaders. Leader in our book is anybody who cares to know and understands step families better so they can minister to them in a local church context. That's from senior pastors, adult ed people to children's pastors, youth pastors, as well as lay couples.

We have tons of couples who are living the blended family life and they now want to help somebody else in their community or in their church. Come to this event, whether you're just beginning or whether you've been doing it for a number of years, we're going to network, we're going to talk, we're going to share best practices. We're going to get you equipped to go back and make a difference for the kingdom.

Sign up and get somebody from your church to go as well. Can't wait to hear the rest of it tomorrow, Ron. Thanks for being with us. You bet. I'm Shelby Abbott and you've been listening to David and Wilson with Ron Deal and Rod and Rachel Faulkner Brown on Family Life Today.

Well, they said it all. The summit is coming up October 10th through 11th in Plano, Texas, and you can find out more by heading over to familylifetoday.com, you can get the link in the show notes there. You can obviously tell we really believe in reaching blended families. We believe in reaching families of all kinds because families are where decisions are made and the world can change. If you reach families today, you reach the world tomorrow. And if you want to make your mark on reaching blended families or families of any kind, you can partner with us and make a contribution to ensure Family Life's ongoing support of reaching families all over the world. You can do that by partnering with us at familylifetoday.com, making a donation there, or you can feel free to give us a call at 800-358-6329 to make your donation. Again, the number is 800F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today.

Or feel free to drop a donation in the mail if you'd like. Our address is Family Life, 100 Lakehart Drive, Orlando, Florida, 32832. Now tomorrow, Ron Deal is back with Rod and Rachel Faulkner-Brown to talk about the unique losses experienced by children in blended families. That's coming up tomorrow. We hope you'll join us. On behalf of Dave and Anne Wilson, I'm Shelby Abbott. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a donor-supported production of Family Life, a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.