“Help! I’m a Christian Parenting Teens. (Enough Said.)” Paul David Tripp

Okay, so we're talking about parenting today.

In fact, we're talking about...well, I'm not going to tell you. I want to ask you, as you think back of our parenting seasons, which was your favorite? Well, there's good and there's hard in each, but my favorite was probably the teenage years.

Why do you say that? Most parents say that's the worst. It was so fun because you're starting to discover who they are, what they're passionate about, they're kind of struggling with, but also analyzing their faith and what part is ours and what part they want to take. It's scary though, too, especially I feel like it's even a little more different today where there's a lot more going on with social media and their devices. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Dave Wilson. And I'm Ann Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on the Family Life app. This is Family Life Today. So we're going to help parents of teens today.

We've got Paul David Tripp with us. Paul, I know it's been a while since you've been on Family Life, but welcome back to Family Life Today. Well, it's my pleasure to be with you.

I'm glad we're doing this. Yeah, and I know not only, and our audience probably knows, you're not only a prolific author. I didn't know you're on your 32nd book. Is that right?

32? Yep. And we're talking today about the first book you ever wrote, which was on parenting teens, The Age of Opportunity. And I know it's a long time ago. I'm wondering, what do you remember? Do you remember anything you wrote in that book? Yeah, you know, here's what I remember most is I wrote the book because I was offended by the way the parents talked about teen years. It was like teens are just a package of raging hormones out of control, and there's nothing you could do but try to survive those years. I was at a conference, and my mom was holding the little baby, and she was talking about just the joy of parenting, and someone said, you wait. Just wait till they're a teenager.

And so I wanted to just speak into that conversation and say, no, no, no. This is a time of unprecedented opportunity. These are the golden years of parenting. Sort of flip the script and give people a real different view of this period of time and parenting.

Yeah, well, your book certainly does that. I remember, I won't even mention who it is because they might be listening, but we had some friends that did the same thing at every stage of parenting. They were about 10 years older, so their kids were older. And when we had babies, they're like, oh, this is the worst stage ever.

You're never going to get any sleep. Then they turned into toddlers. Oh, this is the worst stage. It was like every season we were headed into, they just told it was going to be terrible. But it scares you when you hear that.

Sure does. And just like you said, when they said the teenage years, they're like, this will be the very worst. And here we are. We raised three sons who are married and now we have six grandkids. And we both felt like those were our favorite years. Now, I know you have grown kids. So how many kids did you walk through the teenage years with?

We have four grown children and six grandchildren also. And yeah, I think much of the relationship that we now have with our grown and married children was forged during the teen years. I mean, we just have wonderful relationships with our grown kids.

And I think part of that is due to the way that we walked through that last period of parenting with them. Well, let's talk. You know, when I think of Paul David Tripp, here's what I think. Gospel. I really think of you and your speaking and writing. You always are so clear on the gospel and bring the gospel to whatever issue we're talking about.

I remember you probably don't remember this. I don't know what year it was, but we were on the Love Like You Mean It Family Life Marriage Cruise. Ann and I were keynote speakers the night after you spoke. And I don't know if I had heard you speak before and you get up to speak about marriage. And I sat there and I'm like, oh, my goodness, you made the gospel so clear who we are apart from Christ, what Christ has done, and then how to apply that to our marriage.

So let's start there. As you think about parenting, and especially even parenting teenagers, how do you think the gospel connects to us as parents? And maybe we should even define what we mean by the gospel. I think that often people reduce this glorious message of the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus and his offer of grace to us as an entrance and an exit. It just has to do with coming to Christ and then my destiny. And I want to talk about all the time the now-ism of the gospel, how the gospel changes the way you look at everything.

I like to think of it this way. The gospel is meant to be a lens, like a pair of glasses that you put on, and you look at everything through the gospel. When you do that, then the gospel forms a lifestyle of anything in your life. When it comes to teens, the Bible says what's hot and happening in a human being is the heart. The heart is, if you look at the way the Bible talks about that word, the heart is the causal core of your personhood. It's the steering wheel.

It's the direction system. Your behavior only goes where the heart is already gone. So my job as a parent is not corralling behavior. You can set up a system that forces children to do certain things, but when they leave home, they're left with nothing because you haven't gotten at issues of the heart. Every year, thousands of supposedly Christian young people go off to college and forsake the faith.

I want to say they never had it in the first place. Now their true heart is being revealed because parenting has been reduced to a set of regulations, a set of consequences, and that's it. And the Bible says if rules were all you needed, Jesus would have never had to come.

The law is great at exposing sin. It's a wonderful guide for life, but it has no power to change the heart. And so my view of parenting at whatever stage, particularly in the teenage years, are how do I get at heart issues with this child?

Because that's what Jesus is after. That's where transformation takes place. That's what totally changes the way a person thinks and desires and acts. That's so interesting, Paul, because we had a conversation with one of our adult sons and one of the things that he said to me. We have a lot of conversations now with our adult sons. Well, can we just say this for those who don't understand, parenting never ends. If you think once your children leave the home, you wipe your brow and say, wow, we're done with that.

No, no, no, you're not. I'm having parenting conversations with my 45 year old son, which I love, but it doesn't end. Exactly. That was surprising to me, actually, because we were talking about this very issue, the heart. And one of our sons said to me, Mom, I felt like you were more concerned with my behavior than my heart. Especially when he was in high school. When he was in high school, his teen years, I think I became so afraid of the culture and what it would do to our kids that many times I would be so concerned what they did or didn't do instead of thinking, well, let's talk about why, you know, what's going on in your heart that makes you want to do that or doesn't. And so I found myself reacting more often than responding. That's one of my regrets that, oh, I wish I would have heard you back in those days that I was raising our teens. Well, let's talk about this. One of the frustrating things that parents experience when I talk about the heart is to say, well, how do I get at heart issues with my child?

What does that look like? So in this book, there are these questions. I want to go through these questions that we can with you, because I think these are simple, but they help you to get at heart issues with your child. So you're in a situation where the child has done something wrong or is in some kind of trouble, and your instinct is there's got to be consequences for this. And what God has given you is an opportunity.

Let me give you the principle. If your eyes ever see or your ears ever hear the sin, weakness, and failure of your child, it's not an interruption. It's not an accident. It's God giving you an opportunity to get at the heart of your child.

God wanted you to hear that so you can be a tool of His grace in the heart of a child. So something has happened. First question is what was going on? Just get your child's picture of what was going on. Don't worry about whether it's bias.

Of course, it's going to be a bias because they're telling it from their perspective. Second question, now listen to the second question. What were you thinking and feeling as it was happening? What does that do? That gets the child to look inside. Often if you ask the child, why did you do this?

They'll point to someone else, some situation, they'll always point outside their self. So the first question flips that script and gets a child thinking about what's inside of themselves. So what were you thinking and feeling? Now notice the third question.

What did you do in response? Why is that not the first question? Because what I'm teaching the child is your response was formed by what you were thinking and feeling. It was formed by the heart. So even if you don't get good answers, you're teaching a child, you're teaching a child a way of thinking about himself that's biblical.

The Bible says it's out of the heart that the mouth speaks. We live out of the heart. So first question is what were you thinking and feeling? Second one is what did you do in response? Third question is why did you do it? What were you seeking to accomplish? That goes after motives. That's the fourth question. So now we've got thoughts and desires and motives of the heart on the table. And then the fifth question, I love this, is what was the result? The result is the fruit.

What are the roots? The roots are in the heart. Now you're having this profound conversation with a teenager. Even if you get small, short answers, you got an opportunity to get at what is really going on inside of that child. More than that, you're requiring the child to think about what is going on inside of them.

Don't think because you use these questions. The child is going to say, oh, I'm a terrible sinner. I serve idols because parenting is a process.

It's not about winning. It's about gaining ground every time with a conversation, just like God works in us. Isn't that interesting? Justification, our entrance into his family is an instant. Sanctification across the grove is a lifetime.

That's the model. Be willing to have little increments of change as you have these conversations. Do you remember a time with one of your kids? I'm sure there were many, but that you walked that out with them with an incident in their lives?

Yeah, I give an answer in the book where I was at the end of a long day of ministry, counseling all evening. I came over at 10 o'clock. I was hoping that the house would be quiet and I could just quietly have a snack and slip into bed. That was a totally delusional thought with parental insanity. I walked to the house real quietly and in the kitchen, one of my sons was there and I could immediately tell he was angry and I did not want to have this conversation. It irritated me that I had it. So in my brain was this call of God and this desire just to blow it off. By God's grace, I didn't blow it off. I asked him to sit with me and we had a conversation.

It was close to midnight when we finally went to bed. But it was through those questions that he just talked about his struggles with his brother and his feelings of being diminished and the anger that was building. It was just a beautiful conversation, not just about don't be angry and blah, blah, blah. Just letting this kid bear his soul.

He needed somebody to do that for him. It was just a God-given opportunity. Oh, and aren't you glad that you didn't go to bed?

You would have missed that. Oh, I can remember as I said goodnight to him and we both went out to sleep just saying, thank you, God, thank you, God, thank you, thank you, thank you, that you just gave me the power to say yes to that moment. And I want to say to parents, those moments are never interruptions. Can I say this?

I don't know why I'm asking permission. I'm going to. I think there are moments where we stomp down a hallway angry because we have children that actually need to be parented. I know I've been there.

I'm mad that I have to deal with this at this moment. And so I want to say to parents, the key to getting at the heart of your teenager is starting with your own heart. I want life to be comfortable. I want my kids to be self-parenting. I want respect all the time. I want to be appreciated.

Those are all my idols that get in the way of parenting my children. When you're holding onto those things, here's what I think happens. You personalize things that are not personal.

So you're adversarial in the way that you respond, and you settle for quick solutions that don't get at the heart of the matter. I'm ready to confess. I've done that many times. I've taken it personally. Look, my son that day did say, Dad will probably be home at 10 o'clock. I'm going to act angry.

Yeah, that'll get him. I mean, come on, it wasn't a plot against me. It wasn't personal.

And so he's not my adversary. He's my son. God's given me this moment. And that's the script you got to be on.

You got to be on it. God loves his child more than I ever will. He'll expose the needs of the child to me because he loves him.

And he wants to give me an opportunity. It's not personal. It's not against me. I used to say that to parents all the time, my friends that are younger than I am who are behind me. I would say, oh, in those teen years, just don't take it personally. Don't take it personally.

It's really not about you. Those same words. And that was helpful for me to remember because they hurt my feelings a lot in those teen years.

Sure. And what do you say to the parent? I've had parents say to me, I tried to have a conversation with my my teenage son or daughter. They won't talk. They don't answer the questions that I ask.

How would you advise that parent? They're feeling like I can't draw anything out. I think it's really important to frame the conversation.

I've done this so many times that when I have those conversations. I'm not a detective trying to get information to criminalize your behavior, to lead you to a punishment. I'm here because I love you. I want to help you. I want to see good things happen in your life.

If there are consequences, we'll deal with those. But that's not why I'm having this conversation. I know this conversation as a dad who loves you. I care about you. I care about what's going on in your life.

I care about what you're struggling with. So you've got to frame the conversation that way. If all the teenager thinks is this is an interrogation for an indictment, they won't talk.

That's good. You've got to reframe the conversation. I'm not here as a prosecutor, a judge and a jury. That's not why I'm here. I'm here because I know you're struggling and I love you and I want to help. As I hear you say that, one, I failed that so often because I get mad and I'm reactionary.

And I think a lot of parents listening that would be convicted. But as I'm listening to you say it, that comes from your own heart. Sure. That comes from Jesus in your own heart to have the self-control, the ability to step back, to be concerned about them and not just reacting to whatever they did.

How did you implement that personally? I know that about you, but that's really important to you. A personal walk with Jesus is a reflection of what you just said.

I think it really is. Your walk with Jesus as he exposes the dirt in your own heart, that humbles you, that softens you. I say it this way. No one gives grace better than a person who knows he desperately needs it himself. When you're aware of your sin and the magnitude of the glory of God's grace and forgiveness, you want to give that away. So you're not going to say to a child, here it is, I'm going to say it, in my day, I would have never thought of doing such a thing. See, that's self-righteousness. And what you're actually saying to a child is your problem is you're not as righteous as me. Now, how do you get to the gospel after that? I think there's probably nothing that you will see in the life of a teenager that you can't identify someplace in your own life.

For sure. Let's take an example. So your teenager comes to you on a Thursday night and says, I have a science project due tomorrow.

And you want to scream. You know that project was assigned six years ago. And so it's really an instinct to just say, well, I would have never done such a thing. But think about it. What's the issue of that procrastination? Maybe you're a dad and your garage is so full of whatever, you can't drive into it anymore. You keep telling yourself you're going to clean it, but you don't.

It's the same issue. Or maybe you're the person who runs to the post office at 12 o'clock on April 15th to turn in your taxes because you've procrastinated. You're there with all the other procrastinators. It's like a party.

You bring the brownies. You're looking at the sins of the father right in front of you, right? Yeah. So imagine standing next to that child instead of saying, in my day, whatever you thought, imagine standing in front of that child and saying, I know exactly how you've got into that mess because I'm like you.

I prioritize the things that I find enjoyable and I put off the things that I find distasteful. But you know what, son? There's help and hope for us. And there you can get to the gospel. You can get to the heart.

But it starts with your own heart. How would you advise parents about how much of your own sin, weaknesses to share with your teenager? When our two oldest went to college and we're sitting at the dinner table with our youngest son, we had this beautiful couple of years with him where he'd sit at dinner and go, Hey, Mom, Dad, tell me your story. Tell me how you came to Christ. I mean, we had those conversations with all three boys, but there was something unique when he's just sitting there. And I remember one night he goes, so did you guys have sex before marriage?

Did you get drunk a lot in college? I want to hear you. And you're sitting there going, OK, how much do I share with him? How would you counsel parents on that? Well, the first thing I want to say is there's the mistaken notion that sharing your struggles diminishes the gospel. Your failure, your weakness as a parent preaches the gospel because it's not a message of independence, self-reliance.

Think about this. The move direction of grace in a person's life is not from dependence to independence. The move of grace in a person's life is from independence to greater dependence on God. And so my story is an example of everybody's need for rescuing grace. Who do I need to be rescued from?

Me. When your children watch your zeal for Jesus, OK, they can tell you love Jesus. And then they hear the story of what you were like.

What does it do? It preaches grace because they now conclude it must be God's work that has made this guy who he is. Because he was pretty creepy or he was pretty foolish or he did really dumb things. Yeah, that is so well said. So well said. You said earlier your teenage years, your relationship with your kids has built what you have with them today.

How did that happen? What did you mean by that? There's two questions that every human being struggles with. One is, will anybody love me? But the second question is even deeper, more scary. Once you know me, you really know me.

Will you love me? And if you go through the dark teenage years and you refuse not to love those kids, you refuse not to give them grace. I don't mean being permissive.

Grace doesn't call wrong right. It's a way of dealing with wrong. They have conversations with you in their worst moments. They walk to the room saying, that guy, that lady loves me. You have built a foundation for the future of your relationship with them when you're out there out of the house.

Because they know you can look at the darkest sides of them and you won't turn your back on them. You're listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Paul David Tripp on Family Life Today. You know, I've known Paul Tripp for several years now, and I can tell you that this stuff can be quite convicting for all of us.

And if that's you, I'd love for you to stick around because Ann's actually got some words of encouragement for you. But first, Paul's book is called Age of Opportunity, a biblical guide to parenting teens. You can pick up a copy at familylifetoday.com. And, you know, we really believe here at Family Life that a relationship with God is the ultimate desire that sits at the center of every human being. What we always need is connection with God. And when you partner with us to make every home a godly home, you're literally advancing the work of taking the gospel that makes the connection possible to homes across the world. So would you consider partnering with us at Family Life to see that gospel work come to fruition? When you do, we'd love to send you a copy of a previous guest this week named Tim Kimmel.

He wrote a book called The High Cost of High Control. It's our thanks when you partner financially with us at Family Life. You'll help more families hear conversations like the one you heard today.

You can give at familylifetoday.com, or you can give us a call at 800-358-6329. That's 800, F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today. All right, here's Ann Wilson. I'm sure that some parents listened as I was listening, and they're convicted, thinking, oh, I've been handling this poorly. I haven't responded in the way I should have. And I think a great conversation would be to even talk to our kids or teens about that, like, hey, I just want to apologize for some of my response. And I have been doing this poorly, and I've been a bad example. I just want to say I'm sorry, I'm trying to get better, and I need to be with Jesus to really talk to him about it because I love you so much, and you are a delight in my life. And the gospel is a message of fresh starts and new beginnings.

Yes. So after the show, you might be feeling like, wow, I have a blind spot, and I totally messed up on getting to the heart of my child. Well, don't be discouraged because tomorrow Dave and Ann are back in the studio with Paul Tripp to give us some real hope on parenting teenagers. That's tomorrow. On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Shelby Abbott. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life, a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.