Will the Real Man Please Stand Up? Dave & Ann Wilson

Rejecting passivity is a scary move and I think it takes a man to step into it and it happens every single day. It isn't you reject passivity one time. It's like every day there'll be a situation in your family room, in your house, at work where you have to reject this passivity.

I'm not gonna do anything or say anything and step into it. Welcome to Family Life Today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Dave Wilson and I'm Ann Wilson and you can find us at familylifetoday.com or on the Family Life app.

This is Family Life Today. So you've been my pastor for 30 years. That sounds weird to say I'm your pastor.

No, you are. I'm your husband. I'm not your pastor. And my pastor, but I think, I mean think about how many messages I have not only heard. You've had to endure. No, how many I've heard you give but how many I watched you write, I've watched you study for them.

30 years times probably 30 weeks a year or so, so almost a thousand messages. Man, oh man. I'm better because I'm better because of you. And I think one of my favorites is when you preach on real man. Real man. Four pillars of manhood. Yes, it doesn't even make sense that I would like that but maybe because I've had three sons, brothers, but when I hear it there's something in me even as a woman that gets excited for our men to hear this. So we're gonna talk about that today.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean I get excited about obviously because I don't think men know what a man is. I don't think boys know when they become a man. And I don't think you did.

I didn't know. I mean I grew up in a home obviously you know this without a dad really in my life but what my dad modeled for me was a man was all about here I'll give you three W's I just thought of Wilson's. You know a man is about wine because he was sort of addicted to alcohol. It's about women. He had girlfriends besides my mom. And your wallet. It was all about cash and it's like man if you're a real man you know you have those things going on in your life and I think a lot of boys and men today still think that that's what defines being a man.

That's interesting because when we first started dating I asked you you were a senior in college and I asked you what do you think you're gonna do with your life and you said I don't know something that I make a lot of money. That's all I thought. Then you go into the ministry. Yeah I did the opposite.

Yeah. But I mean my perspective growing up was that's what a man did and he provided for his family and then I came to Christ my junior in college and it was the first time I ever asked the question what does God say a real man is and started walking through Scripture and found out it's a lot different than what my dad modeled for me and I read a book you know when we were early married 35 years ago by Robert Lewis called Raising a Modern Day Night. You loved that book. It was awesome because it not only described this is what a godly man looks like from Scripture but it also gave you a journey a rite of passage for boys to become men and so it was like the guidebook for me with our three sons to say okay what's the rite of passage gonna look like for CJ Austin and Cody as they grow up and to become a men. And if you're a woman listening right now you're thinking okay I'm checking out because this is a man talk don't check out because as a woman you can listen to these and you can see maybe when your husband is doing something right and you can notice it you can say something you can commend him for it and if you have sons these are the things that we can start pouring into and even complimenting our sons when we see them doing it and even kind of teaching them this is what it could look like I'm thinking a lot of moms or single moms and maybe you don't have a husband in the house but you can teach these and Dave you'll also talk about finding other men to be pouring into their boys. Yeah so let's start here whenever I bring up this topic hopefully someday I'll write on this I try to describe the difference between a boy and a man because manhood has very little to do with age you know you can be a teenager and be a man you can be a 50 year old man and be a boy it's really characteristics of how you are living in its character it isn't age or whether you have a beard or not it is character and so I love to walk through something I listen to other men talk about I've read about and then I just sort of put into my own words like here's what a boy is here's what a man is so I call it the difference between boys and men starts here boys take men give boys ask does it feel good men ask is it right boys are all in as long as it goes the way they want men are all in until they finish what they started boys are all about self-indulgence men are all about sacrificial love boys are passive men show up boys expect others to provide what they lack men look around to see where something is lacking and they provide boys consume men produce boys are born men are made boys cheat men honor their promises boys don't control their lust men choose to control their temptations boys choose anger fits men choose paths to peace a boy thinks his life is all about him a man knows his life has been given to him to serve others I want to stand up and cheer like yes this is so good any one of those we could talk about you know but I think those are all found in the four pillars of manhood you know when you think about what pillars define what a man is and this is where Robert Lewis's material really helped me and he had he didn't call him pillars he just had sort of four attributes and I actually sat with him he was on the family life weekend to remember speaker team for years with us and I remember sitting with him one day at a speaker retreat and said hey is there any way would you care if I took your four pillars or turned him into four pillars and sort of changed one of them he goes what do you mean I go one of my I feel like I want to change a little bit he goes dude do whatever you want with it get it out there to men anyway so I took his four attributes I put them in an acrostic real because every guy I know wants to be a real man but they don't know what a real man is so I thought if we could define it by re al this would help men to say okay this is when a boy becomes a man when he starts living out these four pillars it could be 16 years of age it could be 60 years of age but this is when a boy becomes a man when he starts living out the four pillars of manhood and again three of these I got right from Robert the E is my own so the first one is a real man rejects passivity that's good what does that mean and where did you get that well I mean it really comes from the first man in the Bible Adam and if you want a study of a boy compared to a man all you need to do is study Adam he was a boy the way he lived Jesus lives out the four pillars he was a man so if you want a picture of what this looks like Adam represented a boy who is passive in the garden Jesus was active I was gonna say now what do you mean because Adam was perfect he was sinless at first so when did he become passive well I mean he sat there and he got the revelation from God not to eat of the fruit of the tree of knowledge and when Satan threw the snake tempted Eve what did Adam do nothing he sat there and he was with her it literally says in Genesis 3 8 he was sitting right there beside her and when Satan twisted the Word of God Adam I mean he should have rejected passivity and stepped in and said no that's not what God said we're not gonna eat this fruit get out of here Satan and he just literally did nothing and honestly you read that you go Adam dude step up and yet I've been passive every guy I know has been passive there's a streak in us of passivity and one of the first pillars is you got to reject that when you feel that a boy is passive a man shows up a man steps in says something does something acts on behalf of his wife or his family or his church or his neighborhood or his school you name it there's a situation every day that requires a man or even a woman can do this to reject passivity but it's I can't be passive I can't let this injustice take place anymore I have to step in and say to it could be this simple as a father in a household when you're sitting down to have a meal with your family it could be this the passive move is do nothing the manhood move is to say you know before we eat let's pray before we eat let's thank mom for you know whatever it is it's like a simple move of rejecting passivity is a move that a boy doesn't make a man makes so do you think that's a sin bent you know if we have a bent towards something you think that would be it in men yeah I think it is a sin bent in us men that we inherited from Adam and again the reason it's reject and by the way every word of the real man is an action verb reject you have to act and you got to reject it I mean it's not gonna be your natural bent it's like I got us I got to push this away I got to step in and do the right thing you know it's interesting often when I teach this to men I use the story of David and Goliath and it's interesting in that story David is a teenage boy and he's the only man that shows up you've got all these men and they're probably 20s and 30 years old they're trained warriors you've got a king and they're battling a giant from the Philistines one man against one man none of these trained warrior men will go out and fight him because passivity leads to fear and it says in 1st Samuel 17 they were filled with fear and dismayed and they actually ran away David shows up he's only there because his dad sent him to take bread to his brothers who are there and he sees what's going on and he sees this is wrong this is an Philistine challenging not just Israel but the armies he says of the Living God and he says this can't happen he makes a manhood move passivity says I'm not gonna do anything I'm afraid I'm gonna run away a man says this is wrong somebody has to do something he looks around none of the 25 year old men are gonna do anything so a 13 or 14 year old boy goes to the king and says this is wrong if nobody's gonna go fight him I'll fight him that's rejecting passivity that's stepping in to do what a man should do and it's interesting again it has nothing to do with age has to do with character and the ability to say I am NOT gonna be passive this is wrong I have to say something I have to do something and I'm the man to do it right here right now I love that story too because he wasn't confident in his own skills and he probably was skilled seeing that he killed a lion and a bear but he was more confident in the God that he served and the even that alone shows so much about David's character yeah we're gonna find out that part of the story later what he says even when he faces Goliath but you did answer my question because I was thinking why are men passive because I'm talking to wives and friends like why won't my husband step in or step up and you're saying is it like what David like the men didn't go into it because of fear well I think fear is a big one we don't know what to do we haven't been trained I mean it's easy for me not having a dad in my house not to know what to do as a dad you feel like a failure you can just be passive and let your wife do it or let somebody else do it and it's fearful it's like what if I do it wrong what if I don't do it right what if people don't follow me rejecting passivity is a scary move and I think it takes a man to step into it and it happens every single day it isn't you reject passivity one time it's like every day there'll be a situation in your family room in your house at work where you have to reject this passivity I'm not gonna do anything or say anything and step into it I remember a time when I went over to our oldest son's school at lunchtime just to be there and hang out they sort of encouraged us as parents sometimes to show up long story short I end up at lunchtime I'm out on the playground with all the boys and I split them up into two teams and I have a football and we start playing a little touch football and it's a fun little deal and I'm quarterbacking this CJ's team and I'm trying to get the ball to every kid on the team because that was my goal so I get everybody involved just have fun I throw a ball to one of CJ's buddies and he's not super athletic and as I throw on the ball he drops it because he just couldn't catch the ball and the best athlete on the other team makes fun of him calls him out says he's a loser says mr. Wilson don't ever throw the ball to him he's pathetic he can't catch it and so I sort of look at this kid and I said we're not gonna talk like that you don't make fun of somebody on the playground he just sort of waved his hand at me so we kept playing and later I try to throw the ball this kid again because I want to get him involved and he dropped it again and this other athlete on the other team just goes off like he's pathetic he's a loser I told you not to throw in the ball never throw on the ball he's the worst kid in the school type deal and at this moment I'm like I'm done with this kid this is wrong he's making fun of a kid you can see that it's affecting him I can also tell this has been said to him a lot so in a gentle but firm way I go over and grab this kid who's making fun of him just by his shoulder you just guide him just sort of guided him over to this teacher who was standing by the door to go back in the school and I'll never forget I was walking over and I said hey he needs to go in he shouldn't be out here in a playground anymore and she looks at me and she's like and you are who like she's never seen me I'm like oh I'm CJ Wilson's dad I'm just here you know playing with the kids at lunch and she goes and so you think you have the authority to remove a kid from the playground I'm like well I mean he's been rude and making fun of this kid and it's just wrong he needs to go in and she's like well I haven't seen it so he's good to go and so I'm like oh my goodness she's not gonna even do anything well this kid turns to me and goes yeah I told you you're being a jerk you shouldn't be grabbed me and brought me in here and she looks at him and she goes okay you're going in so she saw it and she took him in and that was the end of the day I mean it was like okay so I sort of rejected passivity and so I removed a kid from this situation I haven't thought of this before but I'm thinking of CJ our son I love that you defended this boy like that CJ got to see that because it was really he was this boy was being a bully yeah he's definitely being a bully and it's somebody need to do something and I was that guy and I thought that was the end of the story until later that week there was a parent-teacher conference and I was in one of the rooms talking to a teacher and I turned to walk out of the room and this mom walks up to me and says are you CJ Wilson's dad and I thought oh no this is the mom of the bully you know and I go yeah she goes you're Dave Wilson I go yeah and she starts to cry and I said do I know you and she goes I'm Tommy's mom she goes Tommy came home this week and told me that you stood up for him on the playground and you stood up against the bully who's been bullying him his whole grade school years and I just want to say thank you because my son came home with an identity he's never had and I remember standing there I'm tearing up right now just remember that moment just thinking that's what happens when a man rejects passivity hmm I mean I didn't think anything happened that day and I had no idea that moment was a moment his mom and probably Tommy will never forget that's what happens when a man steps up and does what a man's called to do it's just one of the four pillars that's a big one though it's man quit being passive I mean I'm looking at a dad through the airwaves right now is listen to this on a radio or podcast thinking God's probably been nudging you in some area and you've been passive whether it's spiritual leadership in your home or a conversation that needs to be had or somebody you need to forgive or a conversation you need to have with your son or daughter that you've been afraid to have because fear will lead to passivity reject it say God give me the strength the power to walk in and sit down with my wife and tell her what I need to tell her or to listen to her or bring up something that we need to talk about with your son or daughter or a neighbor or coworker I don't know what it is but I know that it's easy to be passive I've done it a thousand times I know even saying this right now I'll have to reject passivity today there'll be a situation today that'll rise up and God will be nudging like you're the man you're the guy I need to I want to use you right here to have a powerful result will you be my man and I think often we miss that moment and it's like some other guy will step in and we miss that moment but man and your family as a husband or as a dad today's your day I mean I am still teary thinking about this Tommy boy like that's huge and the fact that you saw it and then you did something about it because it would be really easy just to say oh well this has happens all the time and I know that when you step into our family situation or you initiate things I love it because you don't do it in a domineering way you do it and I like I want to serve you and love you and I want to step into this situation with you and that to me communicate so much love and I think reject passivity comes out of the E and this is the one I asked Robert Lewis if I could change I say the E is a real man engages with God again an action verb engages with God means you pursue God you engage with God I always think of kickoff team when a kickoff team kicks off that football and the guys run down the field to tackle the ball carrier they are given an assignment stay in your lane and go through anything and everything to get to the ball so if there's a wall in front of you crash through the wall I mean those are the guys are they're nuts they just put their helmet down and they they go after that ball carrier with everything they got and I thought that's the image that men should have to pursue God and he's not running away from you he's running to you but it's like I'm not gonna just passively show up at church one hour a week and that's it no no I'm gonna know God I'm gonna pursue him I'm gonna open his word I'm gonna engage with God and out of that engagement with God that relationship with God that strength comes from Christ to us to give us the power to reject passivity you can't reject passivity in your own strength but if you have a real walk with God where you are engaging with him daily hourly maybe even at times every five minutes you are just locked in with Jesus in a real relationship that gives you strength to be a man and I tell you we live in a culture where men say oh men that need God men that need Jesus their wimps they're weak you know real men are strong they don't need help now that the opposite is true the strongest moment in a man's life is when we're on our knees praying for strength that's strength that's a real man I have no qualms admitting I am a weak person that needs God's strength to be the man that you deserve as a husband my boys deserve as a dad that doesn't happen in our own strength you have to engage with God for that to happen I think every woman listening is thinking yes I long for my husband to do that because so many of us feel like we're the ones that are initiating spiritually like guys we should go to church and and sometimes the husband just kind of tags along so for the dad for the husband to be the initiator or just being the one to say yeah this is what we need to do I feel like it takes the weight off of us as women because we carry that we're thinking about that a lot so why don't men do that I think we think we can do it in our own strength and then we get to the end of our strength and then we fall on our knees and I think you got to start on your knees don't end on your knees start today start every hour saying God I need your strength you know it's interesting you go back to the David and Goliath story and when David goes to King Saul and says I'll go fight him Saul's like you're not gonna go fighting me you're a boy you're not a trained warrior what does David say David tells a story about when I'm in as a sheep herder when I'm with the sheep God delivers me to kill a bear or a lion to protect the sheep what he's saying is I know God when nobody's looking I'm in private God and I have a relationship I'm engaging with God I'm seeing the power of God the same God that delivered me from the lion a bear is going to deliver me from Goliath he's saying to Saul I know Almighty God and that God is gonna bring victory today all I know is King Saul said okay and let the Lord be with you that was David engaging with God what you do in private will one day become public and so everything we do as men is determined by what we do in private so I'm saying to guys you want to be a real man engage with God in fact I had one guy come up to me and said man the ease the most important you should call this be an Earl man you know start with E and I'm like no no we're gonna call it real man re al but just know that the E is where it all starts so I would challenge a man listening today if you want to become a man don't start with the R start with the E start meeting with God open the Word of God discipline your life around time with God you do it for your body you do it you know I want to get my body in shape you've set up a workout plan do the same thing with the Word of God say God I don't know you Jesus I don't know you like I want to know you pursue him with everything you got and watch him meet you and give you strength and out of that strength you can go to the R which is reject passivity and then tomorrow let's talk about the other two you're listening to David and Wilson on family life today Ann's got some super practical advice for women whose husband probably isn't going to hear today's conversation and for the guys feel free to eavesdrop that's in just a minute but you know a great step a husband or a wife can take to initiate growing closer in marriage is to talk together about going to a weekend to remember marriage getaway I don't know about you but after the holidays I'm just tired I'm tired of all the commotion tired of the hosting and really just tired of using my emotional energy on pretty much anything which often leads me to not being the very best for my wife so what if this year instead of allowing January to be a post burnout from the holidays it could be a time to focus on refreshing your marriage you've probably heard of family life's weekend to remember marriage getaways and we can genuinely say there is nothing more important you can do for your marriage than taking time away with your spouse to reset and refresh your relationship and here's the great news right now all getaways are half off so right now through Monday January 23rd everything's going to be 50% off you can head over to family life today calm click on the weekend to remember link and register today for half off okay here's an with some encouragement for women who wish their husband would listen to today's conversation even though he might not let me just address the women that are listening I think you could hear this and get discouraged like my husband doesn't do this and I want him to do this I'm just gonna send in the podcast and have him listen and here's what I would say instead of nagging him or even relaying your disappointment the best thing we can do to encourage our guys is to catch them when they're doing something right let's take the are like to reject passivity if you find your husband doing anything that maybe he's just stepping out of his comfort zone and doing something whether it be like he said something to someone at work you know and he relayed that when he got home for you to say like Wow hun that was impressive that you had the guts to say that that means so much to your husband it's weighty the words that we say are weighty so catch him in that and then the e you might be thinking my husband and he doesn't do anything with God he doesn't have a quiet time but just watch him watch the ways that you see that maybe he's not doing it now but maybe you see something that he does that you just feel like wow that was good maybe if he prayed one time you could say thank you for praying even at dinner it could be a rote prayer but thanks for doing that when I see you praying or stepping out I love that and it makes me want to follow you like you're good at that so let's catch them it's easy just to complain and we're seeing the things they're not doing but let's start seeing the things that they're doing right and calling it out because you'll be amazed and we're not doing it as a form of manipulation but it's a form of encouragement to our men okay guys let's face it comparisons and certain situations might make you wonder do I have what it takes to lead to be a dad to be a husband well tomorrow on family life today with David and Wilson we're gonna tell you you do have what it takes to be the man God wants you to be that's tomorrow on behalf of David and Wilson I'm Shelby Abbott we'll see you back next time for another edition of family life today family life today is a production of family life a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most