Held: God’s Care when You’ve Miscarried: Abbey Wedgeworth

Hey there, David Robbins here, President of Family Life, and I'm joined with my wife, Meg. Hey, everybody. And one thing we know, many of our listeners tell us often that family life today has become their safe oasis in complicated and complex times that we are living in.

And maybe you feel that way, too. Every single day, we invite you to sit at the table with Dave and Ann to engage in God-honoring conversations about the relationships that matter most to you. Well, there is plenty of room at our table for more people. And our mission in 2023 is to bring more people into the conversation than ever before. And it starts with meeting our year-end matching goal.

So now's the time to invest in family life today, because right now, your year-end gift will stretch twice as far. Yeah, so stick around and we'll get you more information at the end of the show. The beauty of when we don't place our faith in the other side of grief is that we long for the other side of fallenness. We long for redemption.

It teaches us to say, Miranatha, come Lord Jesus. And that is the true other side of grief that we should be longing for, not placing our faith in these temporary holds. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson.

And I'm Dave Wilson, and you can find us at familylifetoday.com or on our Family Life app. This is Family Life Today. I was recently reading a devotional book, and this caught my attention when the author said, I've never been this close to death. It's literally inside of me where life should be. And I remember stopping at that moment as I thought about those words. You're already crying. I know. But I've never thought about a miscarriage like that.

You know, I'm literally carrying life, and that life has died inside of me. Yeah, I read the same book. And I'm pretty excited we have Abby Wedgworth in the studio with us.

She's the author of those words. I've never read anything quite that descriptive, you know, in terms of how you felt. But Abby, welcome to Family Life Today. Thanks. I'm so honored and excited to be with you guys.

We're excited to have you. And this book, like, that hit me. And this whole book has hit me because you've written a devotional. Tell us about that. Like, how did that come about? Oh, it was an honor.

I still can't believe it. It's one of my favorite books, and I read it so excitedly, and I don't even feel like it's arrogant to say that because I feel like the Lord just did it. I was going to say, one of your favorite books is your own book? Yes, I read that book. In fact, I was reading it in preparation for this interview, just reviewing and thinking, man, can we get that girl to come to the interview?

You're so funny. I don't even feel like I wrote it sometimes. But as I walked through our own experience of loss, I blogged and shared publicly.

Because at that time, you know, I just had a blog following and value sharing with readers in real time rather than when we arrive on the other side of something. And so I shared really publicly about our miscarriage, and I repeatedly got the question, what resource would you recommend? What resource would you recommend? And there are so many resources for women who experience the loss of life in the womb, but I found myself hesitant with a lot of them because none of them did exactly what I wanted.

What did you want? So some offer fluffy falsehoods or trite platitudes, and I wanted a resource that was just the Word of God, that brought people comfort using what was true, what was dependable, what wouldn't change. Not, of course, you're going to get your rainbow baby or the theological inaccuracy. Now your baby is an angel, you know, things like that. Like, can we just get something that will walk a woman through those hardest days after the initial shock, those hardest first waves of grief, something that will not shy away from the hard questions. Is God in control?

Is God good? If this happened, what sort of other suffering may be lurking around the corner? Those are real questions, and I think many people grieve this sort of experience privately.

It's a unique kind of grief because there's a hidden nature to what's been lost. And so I just wanted a companion, a theologically sound companion that would walk a woman through and reading portions that she could process while her body was tired and her mind was weak. That's so sweet. Because I know that you have ministered to our son and his wife as they've gone through some miscarriages, and you have been a source of comfort, of hope. And I like that too, a biblical sound teaching on this area too.

Yeah, I love how your book is all Psalm 139, which is this powerful Psalm, but I've never seen it really applied the way you did. So tell us your story. I mean, we know this. You have three sons now.

I do. Married, a mom, a wife, a busy life, an author. But walk us back to, you know, the beginning of where this book came from. So our first son, Will, around his first birthday, we found out that we were pregnant, and we were not trying to be pregnant. And I felt a little overwhelmed, like, how am I going to do two car seats?

You know, my husband works a lot, and we had strategically planned, like, everyone will be out of diapers before the next person comes. So it was a shock, that pregnancy. And then we got to the point where we were really excited. We went for the first ultrasound, and I remember praying with David on the way that we would hear a heartbeat, and we did, which is such a blessing.

That sound, the huff beats, it's such a great sound to hear. And then I was so sick, just vomiting all day, every day. And the next appointment, four weeks later, I walked in, and the doctor wheeled in the machine because the doppler wasn't picking up the heartbeat. And so he wheeled in an ultrasound machine, a portable one, and was trying to find the heartbeat.

Couldn't find the heartbeat. Of course, the baby must be hiding, right? So they sent me to the waiting room. I texted my sister-in-law. It didn't occur to me that we may have lost the baby until she walked in the door. She lived about eight minutes away. Until your sister-in-law walked in the door. Yeah, she came when I said, they're having trouble finding the heartbeat. And she came and sat with me. So I wouldn't be alone when we went back to the actual ultrasound room for them to look.

Even then, I was just holding out hope, naivety, I don't know. And they measured the baby and said, it should be measuring about this big, and this is how big it is. And I looked at her and said, is there no heart? And she said, no, the baby is gone.

And I can remember just sobbing. I was just shocked. You know the statistics, but you just don't think. And statistically, after hearing a heartbeat, the likelihood of loss of life in the womb plummets.

After that, it goes way down. And so I was just shocked. I didn't want it to be true. I remember apologizing profusely to my doctor who was so gracious. And he said, you should cry. A loss of life is always worth grieving. I'm so grateful for God's kindness to give me a doctor who believed that.

My husband came from work and it just was a sad day. And I felt sort of, there were a lot of complicated emotions for me. I felt like I had my theological dots in a row. I love theology. I felt like I had a solid theology of suffering. But experiencing it that way, you know, you mentioned those opening words, death had occurred within me. That's incredibly close.

And it really was the beginning of a deepening of my faith from knowing to believing that God was good, that He was in control, that He was for me when this had happened. Now, how many years ago was this? Let's see, Will is six.

So we're five years out. And you still feel it. Oh, it doesn't leave you. I feel it in my body when I talk about this baby who he loved.

It's beautiful to watch you tear up and feel the emotion. I mean, I'm looking at you thinking it feels like we're there. And yet your theology is solid as well. So you can believe the truth and still feel loss, right?

Yeah. I mean, look at Jesus at Lazarus' tomb, right? He knew what was coming. He knew the truth and he grieved in outrage, in outrage. And I think that was one of the most beautiful things, Dave, about this experience was I learned, I appreciated so much the incarnation and that we have a suffering Savior. And He felt so with me in my grief, outraged over death. And God's plan of redemption cannot be miscarried. I'm just so grateful for a suffering Savior who's with us and who came to undo that sadness. And you're saying that you already had this theology of suffering.

What's that mean? Because I think a lot of people, they can experience that. And their thought is, God, how could you allow this to happen?

Yeah. Well, theology is what we believe about God, right? And suffering is bad things that happen. So if we believe God is good, how can bad things happen?

I mean, and none of us in this room can pretend that we can fit that in a box that we can tie a bow on really neatly, right? It's an incredibly complicated question. It's an incredibly complicated question. But I think, you know, for me, it's looking to the cross and realizing, you know, God did not withhold His own Son. You know, you look at the cross and you see the answer to that question.

It's a complicated question. But when we behold the Son of God slain for the sins of the world, bad things happen in order that things might be redeemed. And bad things happen because we live in a fallen world, right?

Yeah. I mean, things are not as they should be. They're not as they were intended to be or created to be. But thanks be to God for Christ, who has defeated death and one day will come again and wipe every tear.

And there will be no babies who died too young anymore. So the cross has been such a help to me as I consider how can a good God allow bad things. It pleased God to send His Son and to endure that suffering on our behalf.

So it's a hard tension to hold. But I think we run to a just God who is loving and we see that He did not withhold His Son and can say, how will He not graciously give us all things? Now, when you walked out of the hospital that day, was that foremost on your mind or was there a struggle? Was there a lament?

Oh, there was a struggle. Yeah. And the book addresses the importance for lament.

Yeah. And some theologians would classify at least portions of Psalm 139 as a lament. David talking about he can't even escape God if he wants to. I felt duped, Dave. Like, okay, God, we didn't ask for this baby.

We weren't trying for this baby. And I prayerfully on my knees got to the point where I was excited for this baby. And then you take it away. So even though you know that God is good, you're still asking those questions of kind of just walking through those questions. Like, I don't get it. What was the point is what you're saying?

Yes. And our questions are welcome at the throne of grace. It is an act of worship to ask questions because when we question the Creator of the universe, we acknowledge Him to be the one who knows all things. Right? When we say, how could you allow this, we acknowledge that He's omnipotent, that He is all powerful. When we say, you know, how could you allow this, a bad thing, we acknowledge that He's good.

Right? We're revealing or presenting the dissonance that we feel like is happening. If you're good, how can this bad thing be happening? So really questions can be an act of worship.

Where we err is when we demand an answer. I love Psalm 139, David, in humility, acknowledges that God's thoughts are too high for him. And Job does the same thing, right? It's the literal opposite of what Eve does in the garden. Eve reaches for knowledge, believing that it's better than what God can give her.

And this psalmist and Job reach for God Himself, saying that He is the one who is knowledgeable and that He is the gift rather than the knowing. I think in miscarriage a lot of times our minds start to race, like, what could I have done differently? Is it my fault?

Why did this happen? And so many times there's no answer. But God answers with Himself, biblically. And that's why I received, in the wake of our miscarriage, was a deeper knowledge of who God is and a deeper intimacy with Him, even in the midst of all my questions, many of which will not be answered this side of glory. I'm thinking I like that, though, as you share that, that it's okay to question God.

Because our kids come to us all the time questioning us. Like, I don't get what you're doing. Like, tell us what you're thinking, which I'm so happy when they come to me with their questions.

Like, oh, let me explain my heart or let me just love you. And you're saying God welcomes it. When we're struggling, we're not demanding it, but we're saying, God, I don't get it. Yeah.

When you're going to, that builds a relationship, right? When your kids come to you with their questions. And so what did you hear when you would say, God, I don't get it?

Did you just have a sense of peace? Well, I think if we want to hear from God, what do we do? We read the Bible because God speaks to us.

And many times, in many ways, He spoke to people throughout the ages, and now He speaks to us through His Word. And so I read the Book of Job in the wake of our loss. And that just, I felt very struck by him answering Job with himself. Gabby, that is amazing because we tend to stay away from the Book of Job.

I would be like, I'm not going to Job. He might take the rest of my children. It's such a great book for miscarriage because everyone has answers, like Job's friends.

Did you get answers? Oh, my goodness. Yes. Bless their hearts. People are so well-intentioned, and they say the most unhelpful things. What should we not say to our friend that had a miscarriage?

Let's open that can. Yes, do. I should mention, my experience is one experience of loss. But one of the gifts of talking about this loss publicly is getting to hear from so many women. So I did a poll once and said, in preparation for writing a chapter, actually, in this book about dealing with people who— I think the name of the chapter is Grace for Our Fumbling Neighbor. And I polled people on what people had said that were hurtful. That chapter opens with those eight things, the top eight things that people said. But anything that begins with at least. You know, you say, at least you were early.

What are you saying? You're saying that was less of a life, which if you believe in the sanctity of life, that life begins at conception, check yourself. And if you've read Psalm 139, God knits us together.

Yes, intricately, yes, yes. So anything that begins with at least, especially at least you were early. I think also offering any sort of promise that is not given in Scripture. So a lot of times women will have their rainbow baby and say, this is how I know that God keeps his promises. But none of us have been promised a rainbow baby. I have friends— Explain what you mean by a rainbow baby. A rainbow baby is a successful pregnancy after a loss. So one that lives outside of the womb, a living child outside of the womb. But I have friends who have miscarried dozens of times.

Their arms are empty. And so what then when you say there'll be other babies? Because there aren't always other babies. And so what can we offer them that's true? What can we offer them that when they don't get what they want, will hold up and still bring comfort? Yeah, I think anything that begins with at least, promises that are not given in Scripture. You said earlier that heaven gets another angel. Oh, yes.

Yeah. There's things that aren't true. Things that aren't true. I think also when we're too quick to relate, like this is how it was for me. Miscarriage is different for everyone. It's not the same for everyone. Whether it was a surprise, whether it wasn't, whether it's your sixth pregnancy or your first, it's different.

How far along you are makes a huge difference in terms of the physical trauma of miscarriage and then also how you grieve and move forward. So I think listening is a great idea. And then what is good to say? What ministered to your heart when people, what did they do or say that was helpful? Yeah, I was grateful. God's given us an entire hymnbook to sing, to make it through Live Write the Psalms, and so many of those are songs of lament. I'm so grateful my church sings through the Psalms. Every summer we have a preaching series, a teaching series on the Psalms, and they don't shy away from Psalms of Lament. I felt really shepherded by people offering words to my pain rather than trying to rush me to the other side of it. He walks through the valley of the shadow of death.

God prepares him a table, and in the presence of his enemies, there's no running through the hard stuff. And so when believers would offer me words to sing as I walked through the very long road that was grieving this loss, I was grateful. And it's enough to say this is really hard, and I'm really sorry. I'm sad with you.

I'm confused with you. I had my best friend while I was writing this book last a baby at 22 weeks, a baby girl, and her name was Lily. And if the baby is named, use the baby's name. And say, I'm really sad to not know Lily today, you know? But I think you follow the grievers' lead. You follow the sufferers' lead.

And that's incarnational ministry, to be with someone where they are, not where you think they should be. And this is one that, prior to miscarrying, compassion doesn't like to see people in pain, right? My sister suffered a loss of life in the womb, and I can remember just wanting her to be through it. And I asked her, in so many words, like, how long do you think this is gonna take for you?

Like, how can we get you on the other side? And, you know, I think sometimes it's wise to pursue professional help if we're weeping all the time. But in that particular instance, I think it's always wrong to rush grief. It's always, and that's Job's friend, right?

I was Job's friend. Let's move on. I'm so bad at this because, especially with my kids, I'm especially bad at this. I hate to see them in pain.

You wanna fix it? I hate to see them suffer, and I wanna rush them through it. I think most parents feel that because we love our kids so much. But I think those are really wise words of just being there with them, loving them. If there is anybody that's full of joy and fun, it's her.

It's amazing being married to her and then watching her with our kids and our grandkids. But I also say that knowing this, when her sister died at 44 of lung cancer and left four sons, I watched her walk. I mean, I did too, but watching her, it was her best friend, walk through the valley. I think it was close to two years before I heard her laugh with a belly laugh again. Two years.

And I sort of was doing the same thing. You said, Abby, like, how long is this gonna take rather than let's walk? How long was your walk? I mean, you never stop walking, but how long was it before you felt like you were back to life?

We were unable to try to conceive again, which felt important to me as a marker to sort of move forward, but we were unable to try to conceive again for 10 months. And this is why allowing someone to walk, meeting someone where they are in their grief is such a gift because when we do that, we participate in the work of the Lord, we participate in redemption because when we view the other side, and, you know, quote, the other side of grief as salvific, we're mistaken. And the beauty of walking, you know, I thought pregnancy, that being pregnant again would be the other side of grief.

And it wasn't. Having that baby was not the other side of grief. I mean, I'm teary talking with you guys about this five years later. But the beauty of when we don't place our faith in the other side of grief is that we long for the other side of fallenness. We long for redemption.

It teaches us to say, Miranatha, come Lord Jesus. And that is the true other side of grief that we should be longing for, not placing our faith in these temporary holds. So I think grief is a lifelong journey. I'm sure there are triggers that cause you to really miss your sister.

For sure. Yeah, I think someone has described it to me as a box with a button. I don't know if you've heard this before, but you shake this box. And in the beginning, when grief is fresh, the box is being shaken a little more.

You know, anything, seeing a mom with two kids in the grocery store when you only have one is a trigger, hits the button, makes you cry. And then over time, the box sort of settles, so the button's not getting bumped as much. That ball isn't bumping the button as much, so you cry less. But I'm sure the button still gets bumped for you now. Yeah, it's what you're saying is triggers. There's certain things that trigger you.

Yeah, the box is shaking. I've never heard of that. Yeah, it was helpful for me.

It sort of slows down, but it doesn't mean the button's gone. And this is not just really, we're talking about things that aren't just miscarriage. This is just suffering in general.

Yes. What you said earlier is so pivotal in terms of having a theology of God's character in the middle of suffering. Because you said earlier you felt duped. When you feel like God dupes you, you know, He lays something out, like gives you hope, and then, again, you feel like He takes it away. That is so difficult. I mean, it's like, that's when I find out, do I really have a theology that I can walk through a valley and get through it with a God who really does care, right? I mean, it's when you find out, is this real or not?

It's the heart. And I think that has to be built before the suffering. You don't build a foundation in a hurricane.

You build it before the storm comes. So, obviously, you discovered, what, a richness that wasn't as deep before? Yeah, I think what we learned by experience. You know, we can know things in our head, but the truth is applied to our heart through experience.

But I want to push back, though, a little bit. You know, I do believe that we sink down roots that allow us to weather storms, right? But the reason this book exists is because I wanted to write a book for the woman for whom the roots were not deep enough.

Yeah, that's good. And she's in the hurricane. And she's in the hurricane, and that's why I'm like, okay, what can we do? One passage, short, short devotion, under a thousand words, simple questions to prompt her when maybe she's not succeeding at self-assessment and space for her to journal with a strap that makes it private. And I think, too, like a lot of women I hear from who first picked up the book, they're saying, I don't believe right now. Like, it's dark, and there's a portion of the book that addresses this, that we believe that God holds us even when our faith slips out of our own sight, that it's worth continuing to walk in the dark. David says, even the darkness is His light to you. And so when things get so dark for us that even our faith feels like it's out of sight, He holds us with His righteous right hand and upholds us. And He's powerful enough to do that. He's powerful enough to preserve us in our doubt.

That's where held the title came from. Yes. Yes. I'm wondering, Abby, as we close, could you pray for our listeners? And I'm also, as we were talking, I was thinking, it makes me teary just thinking about those that are just like, they can't get pregnant, you know, and they are experiencing a whole different loss. So could you just pray for our listeners? I'm thinking of even, it's not just the woman that's gone through the miscarriage, but I'm thinking of her family, her husband, her parents, her friends, you know, that are all suffering but watching their loved ones suffer too.

Yeah. Father, I thank You that You are a God who knows all things. Lord, You know us intimately.

You are intimately acquainted with our circumstances. So few eyes see an unborn baby, sometimes not even those of their mother, God, but You see. I pray for the women listening now, Lord, who feel unseen. Lord, would You just help them to believe that they're seen and known by You? And when that knowledge, Lord, if it leads to questions instead of comfort, how can He see and allow, how can He see and not intervene, Lord, I pray, that You would lift their gaze to the cross, the ultimate intervention for a world that is suffering. I pray that they would be encouraged as they see a Savior who is suffering for them.

Lord, I thank You that You are a God who is always present. And I pray that You would help these listeners who are struggling. Lord, would You help them to believe that You're with them? Then on the days where maybe they don't want You to be, where they'd like to escape, Lord, I pray that You would cause them to experience Your presence as a comfort, Lord, that You would preserve them and uphold them. Would You move their hearts to pray even in the midst of answers that they don't like, Lord, as You sent Your angel to strengthen Christ in the garden when He asked, Would this cup pass from Me? Lord, would You strengthen them when the answer to their prayers is not what they would want to receive, Lord? I pray for their families. God, would You give them wisdom?

Would You set a guard over their lips? Help them to speak in ways that uphold, that preserve. Lord, help them to guide these women back to Your truth, to things that will hold up, to things that are eternal, Lord. I pray that in the midst of these hard things, God, that You would work in mighty ways that would move women to be thankful for what they have endured because of the greater gift that is You. I thank You for who You are. I pray that You would give us faith to believe and eyes to see. In the name of Christ, I pray and believe and ask these things. Amen. Faith to believe and eyes to see.

So beautifully said. You've been listening to Dave and Anne Wilson with Abby Wedgworth on Family Life Today. Dave and Anne have something to share with us in just a second. But first, Abby's book is called Held, 31 Biblical Reflections on God's Comfort and Care in the Sorrow of Miscarriage. You can pick up a copy at familylifetoday.com. And while you're there, Eric Shoemaker has a devotional book for men grieving miscarriage called Ours.

It's another great book to check out at familylifetoday.com. You know, we've been going to a lot of honest and raw places today, but it needs to be talked about, not ignored or painted over. I, for one, am grateful for this time today. Thanks, Shelby. This is heavy stuff today, isn't it?

Oh, yeah. Dave and I have sat. Haven't we sat with so many couples that have suffered this kind of loss? Our own kids have suffered this kind of loss.

Losing a child, even in the early stages of pregnancy, is absolutely devastating. I'm just so grateful for Abby's transparency, just for her sensitivity. And we're so grateful, too, just for the opportunity to address this all-too-common grief. Where else do grieving couples go with their burdens than to places like this, where we can sit around, we can go through it all and embrace one another with compassion?

This is such an incredible privilege. Yeah, and it's one of the reasons, isn't it, that we fell in love with Family Life today early on. I mean, we've been part of this ministry for over 30 years, and it's one of the reasons we give to this ministry. Financially, we don't just pray for this ministry, we sacrificially give as well. There's no pretense here.

There's no subject that's too sensitive or off limits. And let me tell you, young families need a place to turn with their deepest issues. It's amazing that we get to be that place that they can trust. And they need a place that speaks the truth into their most pressing problems. And like so many of you, Dave and I are parents to children who are striking out on their own.

I already have. Yeah, they're beginning their own families. Having young grandchildren is like taking this crash course on what it's like to raise a family in these crazy times.

And they're crashing into our walls in our house too. And so if you're in a position to help young families cultivate healthy, God-fearing homes, we want to invite you to participate in the matching challenge that's active right now. And the goal amount is $2 million. And as a participant in the matching challenge, you will play an active role in bringing hope and help to families. You can be the one to remind them that no matter how hard things become, and they will become hard. We all know that. God has not abandoned them. Yeah, I totally agree.

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These make a great tool to be able to share with your loved ones this holiday season. You can give, again, online at familylifetoday.com, or you can give us a call at 800-358-6329. That's 800, F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today. Now, coming up tomorrow on Family Life Today, David Ann Wilson will be joined again with Abby Wedgworth to explore the experience her husband had with shame during the sorrow of her miscarriage. That's tomorrow. On behalf of David Ann Wilson, I'm Shelby Abbott. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. . Family Life Today is a production of Family Life, a crew ministry, helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.