Dean Inserra: Getting Over Yourself

So back in the first five or six years of being the Detroit Lions chaplain, you will remember, we used to do our pro-challenge assemblies to basically give the gospel in a public high school. It was awesome, right? Anyway, I'll never forget, inner-city school Detroit one year, and this high school girl walks in. She was, like, going to introduce us.

And all I remember is she was talking to her friends, didn't know we could overhear them. Her friend goes, hey. Who's that other little guy over there?

Because these big athletes. And her friend goes, oh, he's nobody. Were they talking about you?

Yeah. I mean, I was the only guy. And all I remember was thinking, oh, wow, I'm nobody. My whole life, I wanted to be somebody.

And a high school girl just told me, I'm nobody because I'm standing beside a bunch of somebodies. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson. And I'm Dave Wilson. And you can find us at familylifetoday.com or on our Family Life app.

This is Family Life Today. There's something in us that wants to be impressive. That wants to be somebody. Oh, yeah. And there's nothing wrong with that.

But if that's the goal of your life, it can lead to some very bad choices you make to be impressive. So we've got Dean and Sarah back with us today, who wrote a book called Getting Over Yourself. Which is a great title.

Yeah, and I had a hard time getting over that comment, you know. So anyway, Dean, welcome back to Family Life Today. It's great to be back.

I love being with y'all. So let me ask you this. I mean, you're a pastor in Tallahassee. You're a dad. You're married and you've got kids.

But you hear that story. First of all, you're smiling. So what are you thinking? Yeah, I think that's the story of many of our lives. I don't know if this is what you're experiencing in the moment, but for me, 1 John talks about the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes. The lust of the flesh is I want to feel that. The lust of the eyes is I want to have that. And what are the things we want to feel and want to have?

Usually it's admiration. It's to feel like we are somebody. And what a daily fight for us to actually believe that we are somebody in Christ.

That's the point. In Christ. And we actually are nobody outside of Christ. Even the fact that God made us in his image and then it's together in our mother's womb. We have dignity because we're image bearers of God.

But the things of this world don't define us even for a moment about who we are and making us somebody. I talk about in the book, you know, over yourself, what Ted Turner called Christians a bunch of losers. He said Christianity is a religion for losers. When I first heard that, I kind of wanted to bow up, you know, and be like, who are you calling a loser?

The Braves were terrible forever until Sid Brieves slid against the Pirates. You were the owner the whole time. And so our WCW wrestling had to sell out to Vince McMahon because he beat him in the ratings. Who are you calling a loser?

You know, I said, wait a second. Why does that bother me? Because when in the Bible are Christians considered winners outside of in Christ to give us the victory? And the victory he gives us is not victory as the world defines it. It's victory over sin and death that he provides. And I want to really actually believe that that is the win. And that's a daily battle to actually believe that. It is a daily battle. Because the message in the world is that everything else is the win. Do they know my name?

Do they know who I am? And it's a battle for us as parents to not let our kids fall into that trap as well, because the culture is constantly screaming that into their ears. Definitely. I want my kids to be somebody, you know, by the world standards. Maybe we're obsessed with that as parents. But what you're saying is that isn't just in the culture in the world anymore. You're seeing that you write in the book about that theology sort of finding itself in the church as well, right? Definitely, because I think it's telling people that God's will for them is to be as successful as possible, to go achieve that dream, to go conquer that goal. And when you talk to most people at a younger life phase, most of their goals are to be really successful, to make a lot of money, to be famous, to have a platform, to be well known, to publish this book, all those type of things.

None of those things by themselves are bad things. But when we believe that that's God's will for our life is to achieve those things, I worry that we're going to be set up for a lot of failure when it comes to this life, how we define it. But more importantly than that, disappointment with God, because we're going to assume that He had all these things of success for us. And then fast forward down the road when you're 45 years old and live in a basic suburban cul-de-sac where the only people that know your name are your kids and their friends and their friends' parents. It's going to feel like maybe that you failed at life somehow rather than actually living a glorious life because you're living in relationship with God through the local church and raising a great family.

When did that stop being the goal? And I would love to see Christians return to that being what gets us excited. And that being what is considered the fulfilled life is one that's with God, with the church, and with our families. And in some ways, that's why you wrote the book, because I think a lot of people that walk away from Christ, I think, and again, it's just some guy researched, just me observing 30 years being a pastor.

But it isn't, I don't think, that they don't believe in Jesus anymore. I think they're disappointed in the life they're living after following Christ. Like, I thought I'd be happier. I thought I would be more impressive. I thought I would get the things I was looking for, and those things aren't always coming true. It's like, I'm walking away from this.

Is that what you're seeing? Yeah, what happens when your coach doesn't deliver? Eventually he gets fired.

Right? I mean, how many football coaches get fired in two years, three years? Well, if God's just seen as your life coach, eventually you're going to move on to something else that's going to, you still might believe that that coach exists. It just doesn't work. Because much of the new prosperity gospel really is defined by the pragmatic. It's what works, what doesn't, what's successful, what brings in people.

So a lot of pastors get caught up in it because they know that when you tickle the ears, it's going to draw a crowd. And we think that we're doing the right thing, and it must be working, because look at how many people are here, when Jesus actually turned people away, when they wouldn't be willing to actually pick up their cross and follow him. So I think that we need to really redefine what is success in general, and how we have come so far from a biblical definition of success, which is defined by life with God and being part of God's mission.

I want that to be what success looks like for me. Well, we recently sat down with Trevin Wax. And it's interesting because you know him, Dean, how do you guys know each other?

Just through our church networks. And he's a good friend and a really brilliant Christian thinker and a great writer. So I'm really thankful that he was on this program.

Yeah, he was great. I mean, his book has a similar title, Rethink Yourself. And when he was on our program not too long ago, he made some comments that I think you'll resonate with, and I'd love to hear your response as you hear this clip. We're not the center of the universe with him revolving around our plans. He's at the center of everything, and we are part of his big plan. God coming first, then looking around to others, to the people of God, the family of God that we are called to be a part of. And then looking in to see that unique contribution that God has for us to his kingdom.

You know, the Apostle Paul talks about how in the church, you know, it's one body, but there are many different parts. We all have different roles to play. And I think, I mean, as a parent, I know my kids are unique, and I want to celebrate the unique aspects of those kids.

But I want to celebrate them in a way that's going to have them asking questions. Where does my identity, my gifts, my talents, the things that God has given me, where is that going to fit in in his overall plan? Not how can God fit into my plan for my life, but how can what God has given me fit into his plan for the world? That's the bigger question that I think we have to wrestle with.

I think Trevin's exactly right. A couple of things come to mind when I hear him say that. First, talking about God being the center of the universe rather than us.

I think every Christian I know would say, yes, God's the center of the universe. In the new prosperity gospel, you just want to make sure you're standing right next to him. That you're as close to that as possible as well, and don't want to give up any of that glory to share with him.

You're cool with him having it, but I just want to have it too. And then I really appreciate the thought about his own kids, where I want my kids to know that they have a purpose. Like, they really do have a purpose.

But that's the issue. Let's define the purpose. And the purpose is, what does it look like in your life with God? Like, in your relationship with God to fulfill the purpose he has for you, which is to use whatever it is he has given you. If it's your situation in life, if it's your talents, whatever it could be, for his glory in the church.

To love the church and the mission to thrive around the world. So, when we hear about our own gifts, God never gives us the gifts for our personal good, just on its own or our personal glory. God gives us gifts to use them for the flourishing of others, the flourishing of the church, and for his glory.

And we need to make sure that our kids know that. Like, God's given you a gift not so you can be a big deal. God's given you a gift so you can continue to make him a big deal. And you can make him a big deal without some massive platform.

And I think that's where we get confused sometimes. We think in order to make God a big deal, I need to be famous. I need to have a million social media followers.

I need to write five books. Rather than, no, you can make God a big deal with your gifts by being a faithful husband. By being a great mom. By being a great dad.

By being the most hardworking employee that others at work look to and admire. And as a result, they see your distinct life and it points to a new distinct God. I think when we start to be able to see the mundane things in life as opportunities God has given us to make his name great, I think it'll probably rethink how we view almost everything.

I feel like recently I've been meeting with a lot of younger women, which I love to do. Just kind of mentoring them, hearing their hearts, hearing their passion for Jesus. But there was a time several years ago that I came home and I was just discouraged because it felt like everyone I was meeting with was saying, I feel like God wants me to speak before millions. And I remember saying to Dave, like, when did that become a thing?

That we're being, you know, we're speaking before millions. And I remember saying to some of these young women, you know what he wants? He wants your life. He wants you to lay down your life before him and for you to say, I will follow you if it has me cleaning bathrooms as a stay-at-home mom. Because that's what I feel like I did in my younger years.

Trying to find like, is there anything in this? And I felt like God was really pleased because it was an act of worship as you learn to lay down your life every single day. And say, I love that. God, how can I make you famous? How can I lay down my hopes and my dreams and hand them to you because you're the one I want to follow more than anything else?

Yeah, and I think the question then is, OK, how do we do it? Because our sin nature is going to be about me and, you know, I want to take care of me. And in a sense, I don't want to be the center of my own universe, but I do. I sort of want to be the same in my own home.

I want my wife to say, you are the man. And in a sense, that's really sick. And in another sense, it's like, well, that's in there. So how do I overcome that? And obviously, how do we help our kids overcome that? You're listening to Dave and Anne Wilson with Dean and Sarah on Family Life Today.

We'll hear Dean's response in just a minute. But first, at Family Life, we believe God does some of his most amazing work in homes just like yours, whether that's through a small group Bible study or laughing on the floor with your kids or sharing a meal with neighbors. The home can be the launching pad for God's work in this world.

And for me, that gives me a lot of hope. God is at work and he's not dependent on some political figure or the biggest influencer. He's using families just like yours to make a difference one home at a time. And that's why we do radio broadcasts and podcasts and weekend to remember marriage getaways and small group Bible studies to help strengthen families to make an impact in their corner of the world. And you can help make an impact for even more families by financially partnering with Family Life. And when you give today, we'll send you a copy of David Mathis' book, Humbled, Welcoming the Uncomfortable Work of God. That's our thanks to you when you give at familylifetoday.com or when you call with your donation at 800-358-6329. That's 800 F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today. All right, now we've been hearing from Dean and Sarah this week and his book, Getting Over Yourself.

So how do you actually do that? Here's Dean. Yeah, I think we have to put ourselves in our place. You heard someone say, oh, man, she just put him in his place or he just put her in her place. I think we have to put ourselves in our place regularly and reprogram our thinking on a daily basis that this world really isn't about me. I know that sounds cliche, but sometimes things are cliche because they're true. And we need to return to the fundamentals. I think one of the most fundamental things we possibly can know as Christians is there is a God and we are not him.

And find areas in our lives, Paul wrote, to examine ourselves to see if we're in the faith. And I think one of the areas we can examine ourselves is where do I have a tendency to really want to project myself to almost get in some sort of depression, not a clinical depression, but like a kind of functional depression if I'm not getting those accolades, that admiration. And why is that? Because a lot of times we excuse it and go, well, men need this. Well, women need that. Okay, that's true. That's not an excuse to be selfish.

That's not an excuse to look for all the acclaim. And I wonder sometimes if we're in really big trouble with some of our brothers and sisters in Christ because they believe in their life like they're a failure right now because they're 50 years old and their dream they had when they were 20 didn't come true. And why I say I worry is I worry for that person and for the church that they're not able to actually fully flourish in their relationship with Christ because they still feel like there's something missing when there's nothing missing because they have Jesus.

And I really want to believe that for myself as well. If I have Jesus, like nothing is actually missing. And the messaging oftentimes we hear today especially what I call the Instagramification of the Christian faith is that you still need to go get this.

Go chase this. And they'll tell you things like that you have to have these realities in your life for life to really be what is fully meaningful. And I just am really sad for a lot of professing Christians that have gone hook, line, and sinker and as a result are missing out on joy because their joy has to be so circumstantial. I have to have this, I have to feel this, I have to be a part of this, including worship services where people can't even like churches anymore unless it's at a certain level of production and the music is this like A-list quality and the speaker's right off a TED talk. And it's like how many churches can actually do that?

Because of budget and talent and those type of things. So I worry what if your job transferred you tomorrow to a town that didn't have a church like that? But at a church that still had a faithful pastor, that the people loved Jesus, that the kids ministry volunteers were loving but it wasn't kaboom.

It wasn't this big huge charade. You're saying we've become consumers. Yeah, and I worry that they could not be a part of a local church community in another place. Because even church for them has to be this certain experience. Because that's how they view life now as an experience rather than God himself being the experience. Go back and talk to the guy who feels like he's at a dead-end job, he's 50, he's dissatisfied. Or even the mom that like, man, I'm in the midst of these toddlers, I feel like my life is going nowhere.

How do they get that perspective of Jesus is enough? Yeah, I think you're called, remember you're called three things in that moment. You're called one to provide for your family, which there is zero shame in any job. It allows you to pay your bills. No job is beneath any of us if it allows us to do that for our family. The second thing is, Colossians says we're to do all things under the Lord. So every job has a purpose, like everything in life has a purpose. I can still see my job as a calling, even though it turns out I'm called to be this job. The act of work for God's glory is still a calling. And the third thing is that I'm never exempt from letting my light shine before others.

They may see you see our good works and glorify God. So I would say to reprogram how you view work, because I know a lot of men can have identity in work. Oftentimes, we're not supposed to have identity in work. Work is an assignment that God gave us. Work existed before the fall, so work is good. Work is not an identity. It's an assignment God gave us.

So I think we have to see it that way. I'm doing this to provide for my family, to work under the Lord and give glory to God, and to find opportunities in the mission field to make the gospel known. And then when you go to work tomorrow, with that perspective, all of a sudden it's going to look a little bit different, because you're seeing your co-workers that don't know Jesus as opportunities to share God's love with them, to be in a relationship with them.

You're seeing these last two hours of work that are just so, come on, just get to five o'clock if you're working that type of job where it actually has purpose, because I'm actually working under the Lord. And then you're not ashamed of your job or your life because you know that God has given you your wife, your husband, these kids, and your job as a husband and a father is first and foremost to provide for them and to care for them and love them. Now, did you ever come in the house and lose perspective on that? I mean, as a pastor, and I did the same thing where— Weekly, maybe? Yeah.

Daily? I'd love to hear your perspective, because there'd be times where I'd come home and Ann wouldn't treat me with the respect or admiration I felt like I was getting at the church. Oh, you're going to admit this? Well, I mean, you know, I say things and people, like I had an assistant and she would go get my, I mean, Ann didn't like this, but she'd bring me a Diet Coke into the meeting because I was in a meeting, couldn't get it, and I get home and there's part of me that's like, hey, you know, I never did that, but there's part of me that's like, I'm exhausted, especially after a Lions trip. We go on a road trip and they take care of you.

You chartered flight, best hotel. Right, so he's on a road trip and I'm home with a 5'3 and a newborn, and so he would come home with that perspective like, wow, you're not even going to serve me? Well, I mean, I come home exhausted, you know, and again, we got beat, so I'm not happy, so anyway, again, I'm joking, but there's a sense of like you walk in your marriage where you're, and as a preacher, I preach this, lay down your life as Christ did for your bride, and yet there's this me monster in there that's like, I deserve you to take care of me right now because I've been, people have been taking care of me, and so talk about that. Do you ever feel that struggle in your own marriage?

Well, they say if you preach from your weaknesses, you'll never run out of material. Yeah, right. Oh, definitely, and that's just the open example of the need to get over yourself.

Yeah. You know, where I walk in and I've had, it's been a hard day. I mean, I preached several times, had to put out these four fires, and then I walk in and my wife has had a full day at home. She has done laundry for a couple hours because of three kids. She's had to do drop-offs and run from one place, so they spent more time in the car than anywhere else just waiting, and I have the nerve to walk in and be like, hey, I'm here.

Let's all make sure everything revolves around me. Oh, yeah, man, that is definitely a thing, and when I think about it, it's embarrassing, you know, looking back at just how really sinful I can be, and I think that the remedy to that really, one, you have to have a wife to go back to earlier who's not afraid to put you in your place. Here's the question, has Chrissy ever said to you, hey, Dean, get over yourself.

Yeah, absolutely. She definitely has, yeah, and the nice thing is that it's an adjustment for us when everything, everyone in church, you know, knows you and, you know, does what you ask them to do since they work on the staff and that type of thing, and then you go home and then you're not King Tut anymore. We shouldn't be King Tutted our churches either, but functionally that just happens sometimes, and that's its own conversation for another time, but when you go home, I think it's good to know that your wife is not that impressed.

Like, she's not that impressed. I appreciate my wife's encouragement, but, you know, when I walk in the door on a Sunday, she's like, that was the greatest sermon I've ever heard. I wanted to say that, you know, but it's just, we're going to keep life going together, and it's only going to flourish, really, if I don't think when I get home that all of a sudden music should play and everyone should tend to me. That really is a temptation, and not just a temptation, something you give into, you know, far off that I like to admit, but just even having this conversation, you bringing that up made me think about, like, man, I do that way too often, which is why I need getting over yourself regularly in my life, because it really, I think it really is our story, is having to constantly get over ourselves.

I think it's typical. I mean, I think all of us do this. My life would be better if dot, dot, dot.

I did that for years in our marriage. My life would be better if you would just, or my kids would just, or my career would just. I think it really comes down to my life would be better if I had Jesus in the forefront of every thought, and that takes a daily discipline. What does that look like for you, just on a daily life of walking with Jesus? So I tell people to get rid of the blank, and the blank space, because what you talked about, my life will just be better if.

That's a common occurrence. So I want to make sure in my own life, personally, first that I get rid of that blank, because my life would not be better. My life could be easier if I could fill in that blank, but it wouldn't be better, because the best life we actually have really is life with God. Again, that's a daily struggle to believe that. It's kind of a Lord help my unbelief kind of moment. So my struggle is not atheism or agnosticism.

I believe that God is exactly the one He claimed to be. My struggle is actually believing that that is best, that God Himself is best, that He is the greatest blessing, that if I never have any material blessing ever again, I hope I do, but if I never have another material blessing again, I'm still blessed, because God is good, and I, by His grace, am allowed to know Him. So I don't want to ever suggest in my function that I have a better life than a Christian somewhere that doesn't have the same, I guess we could say, resources that I have or access to things that I have. I think that Christian can still have a great life because they know the Lord. And so I think it's really, it's a belief thing for me.

It's really revisiting that over and over again. I really believe that the greatest blessing of God is God. And I think where the New Prosperity Gospel Church and the messaging is falling short is it's presenting other means other than that as the reality. Yeah, there's a sense, I remember years ago doing a weekend in November with Family Life, which we still do, and you should sign up right now and go to one near you, but my co-speaker was a guy named Mick Yoder, who was probably 15, 20 years older than me, and he had lost his son in a plane crash that he was actually in as well. And he made this statement, he said, life would be better if we didn't expect it to be so easy. He just said, we just expect it to be easy, and when it isn't, we're like, what's wrong with my life? And I just thought, when I was listening to you for the last couple days, Dean, talk about this, I thought if we understood that when we signed up to follow Christ, we were signing up to get over ourselves. When we signed up to get married, we were signing up to say, this is a way I'm gonna get over, when we signed up to have kids, we signed up to say, this is not gonna be easy, this is actually gonna be really hard, and it's gonna be agony, and it's gonna be beauty. Because God is gonna shape me to become like his son, not through an easier life, actually through a more difficult life that I signed up for, knowing on day one, okay, here we go, this is not gonna be easy, but it's gonna be beautiful, and the end result is gonna be what God wants.

That's what your title says, and I think, wow, that's a great model for my life, get over myself. The potential God sees in us is the potential to be more like Christ. And the messaging often is, God sees this unlimited potential in you. It's like, well, and by that I mean for achievement. It's like, no, the potential God sees in you is that Romans 8 29, that we conform to the likeness of his son.

That's the potential. So now all of life now is the process of us becoming more like Jesus, and that should be the real win in our eyes. That's David Ann Wilson with Dean and Sarah on Family Life Today. Dean's book is called Getting Over Yourself, trading believe in yourself religion for Christ-centered Christianity. You can get it at familylifetoday.com or by calling 1-800-358-6329.

That's 1-800-F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today. If you know anyone who needs to hear today's conversation, be sure to share it from wherever you get your podcasts. And while you're there, it'd really help us out if you rate and review us. Now tomorrow, David and Wilson are gonna be talking with David Mathis about the fact that we don't just naturally humble ourselves. We need God to do the humbling.

And while that's scary, it's also freeing. That's coming up tomorrow. We hope you'll join us. On behalf of David and Wilson, I'm Shelby Abbott. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life, a crew ministry, helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.