How to Parent the Troubled Kid in Your Stepfamily

So I give parents permission to have five timeouts for a five minute, 10 minute, 30 second timeout.

It's a reset of your mind. You're pressing the reset button because you're the adult and they're going to rely on you managing those emotions. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most.

I'm Ann Wilson, and I'm Dave Wilson, and you can find us at familylifetoday.com or on our Family Life app. This is Family Life Today. So, think about when our kids were younger and in the house and you got upset with them. Which happened. Yeah, it happened for both of us.

Right. How'd you calm down? What'd you do? Oh, I would say to them, like, you need to go in the other room. I remember hearing this. Remember this? And I'd have a timeout. And I would have to go in the opposite room because I had to calm down. Do you remember that? Oh, yeah.

Because I can get pretty heated and I really needed to calm myself down before I would address them. Yeah. And I think what we're talking about, every family, every family has moments like that. Every parent. And blended families have that as well. And we're going to talk about that a little bit today with Ron Deal, our director of Family Life Blended is in the studio with us. Welcome to Family Life Today, Ron. Thanks, guys.

Good to be here. Ron probably didn't get upset with his kids like that. Oh, yes, I did. Oh, yes, I did. We all do, right, Ron?

Reassure me. That's exactly right. That is exactly right. Kids will bring out the best and the worst in us. And you've got something coming up pretty exciting for Family Life Blended. Talk about that.

Yeah. So on Saturday, April 2nd, 2022, is our next blended and blessed one-day livestream event for couples in blended families. Yeah, it's a lot of fun. It's a great event. Couples can participate from anywhere in the world. If you live near Houston, come be a part of the live audience. We'd love to have you there. But churches can host this and invite couples in their church and their community to come and be a part of it.

You don't have to have the expertise about Step Family Living. That's our job. Just get people together. It's a great little partnership in ministry. And so learn all about it and how you can register and how your church can host the event.

Go to familylifetoday.com and you'll get the information you need. And we've been there and it is really, really practical and helpful. And I think today's broadcast is going to be the same thing. Ron, you sat down with Danny Huerta, who works with Focus on the Family and had a really interesting discussion that we're going to get to hear today.

Yeah, this is going to be part two. Yesterday, we spent a little time talking with Danny. He is the vice president, by the way, of parenting and youth at Focus on the Family. So he's responsible for all the stuff they do to help build into parents. So we spent some time talking a little bit about cities yesterday.

It's just so people get oriented. Danny's got this great analogy to think about how when two cities come together, husband and wife, and form a new city, they have highways that they've developed between the two of them and bridges. And they've got their own museum in their own city, right, with their past. And sometimes you share all of it. Sometimes you don't share all of it. And then they have children.

Maybe we could call those little suburbs. And they develop bridges of communication and trains of thought between families. It's a great little analogy. So as he starts talking about that, you're going to pick up on it pretty fast.

And that's what he's referring to. Let's talk around parents getting hooked by the negative emotions and the stuff that kids throw at us. What do we do when we get triggered? Well, so I give parents permission to have five timeouts or more. In a minute or a day or a week or what? I would say in a day. Five in a day. And I do this sometimes for myself.

I know it's going to be a big day of me having to get things done. And you put up a sheet of paper wherever you're going to be able to access that and put a timeout. It's a great example for your kids. And going to a five minute, ten minute, thirty second timeout, it's a reset of your mind. You're pressing the reset button because you're the adult and they're going to rely on you managing those emotions. And you've got to catch your brain. Yeah, just picture your brain running around the room and you're trying to chase it down.

You need to take a timeout to grab it, put it back in so that you can think and connect with your child. I remember this one phone call, Ron, that we got in the counseling department. This mom called. She locked herself in the bathroom and was crying. She was screaming. She said, I can't do this anymore. I'm going to hurt my kids.

I feel like beating them. And those were penetrating words for me. I was going, oh, wow, she's in a bad spot. She said, I'm alone.

I'm afraid. It was a blended family type situation. She was hating the moment and she needed to regain perspective. But she was keeping her kids safe from her. And I commended her for that.

You made a very good choice. You knew what was happening in your emotions and you separated yourself from your kids. You could hear him banging on the door, calling out for her. She was overwhelmed. But in calming down her emotions and gaining perspective, the bigger picture was so important. So having that that resource of maybe a friend or another person you can call go into the bathroom, if it's really getting overwhelming and get some perspective in the moment can be helpful. So you regain composure and you're able to come back with your mind.

I really like that. I mean, obviously, in that crisis moment, she needed to lock herself in the bathroom. But I think the bigger takeaway for the rest of us is, yeah, I'm responsible for how I'm reacting. And if I catch myself getting angry, flying off the handle, losing charge of myself, I need to calm down. I need to figure out a way to talk myself down from this.

Pray like crazy. God help me calm down. Because you and I both know the thinking part of our brain shuts off. This implies you're a teenager as well.

You're a child of any age. Thinking brain shuts off when we get dysregulated. We stop thinking and we just start reacting. And I got to calm down so I can start thinking again. Yeah, in a good way.

One very simple tool that you can use starting today is go. We all need to be hydrated. Go get a drink of water and stare out the window and just picture the Spirit, the Holy Spirit just pouring in as you're drinking water and letting your mind just rest in the moment. You're bringing in an extra ounce of the Holy Spirit.

Maybe it's a quick prayer. So don't react. Go drink a glass of water while you're staring out the window and then come back to the conversation, especially with a teenager that's trying to push your buttons and trying to get you going. That's where you don't want to give up any power in that. You have to let the teen know it's not up for grabs. I'm in control of me.

And over time that's going to be respected. But you have to show that reset and come in with you in control so that the child knows that they can't push your buttons to a place where they gain control. They're coming out of anger and they're potentially going to push you until you break. And they've won.

Their anger has won and they feel better about it and they like that you're miserable now. And so take a drink of water and come back to the moment. I want to connect some dots for a listener. Let's connect the early part of our conversation with what Danny just said. Remember, this kid's hurting. There's something going on. And sometimes they're blaming you for all the struggles that they've had in life. Sometimes they're just mad at the world because of the things that have happened in their life, their family, etc. Whatever it might be, the stuff you can't control.

Still, it's got to come out on somebody. And so out of that hurt, they react. And sometimes, yeah, they're trying to just ignite you into responding, reacting in some backward way so that you'll move toward them.

So that they can be heard. So that somebody will care about what they're hurting over. And it's so difficult to maintain yourself, to put on gentleness.

I'm thinking fruit of the Spirit here. Peace, patience, and gentleness in that moment. Like to calm down enough to be there, to continue to love them.

But yet to see past the hurt and the anger, the outside stuff, and see what's on the inside. But I got to ask you, man, because anybody in that situation feels disrespected by a child, whether it's your child or stepchild, whatever. How do you wrestle with that? This kid is just totally disrespecting me. And I'm supposed to respond with gentleness and quiet, you know, be calm. There's something in me anyway. I'm revealing something about me.

Maybe somebody else listening. That just is hard to do. I want respect first, then I'll respond with love. But I don't think we can do it that way. Boy, that's a complicated one, Rod. I think that human nature is the reality there. And it feels helpless. It feels powerless in the moment.

And so notice I said feels. You have a lot of power by showing self-control. And so when you show that, you show a lot of power that over time is going to be respected. And it doesn't mean there isn't a consequence. You're still the parent.

You still bring the consequence. You're not looking for happiness. You're looking for connection.

And it's going to be shown in that warmth and sensitivity and love with compassion. Emotions don't have to be contagious. What you can do is take a deep breath. And even if you need to stare at their eyes or stare somewhere to regulate yourself. And that's a good way to regulate, by the way, your emotions.

Just stare at one spot. And take a deep breath and remind yourself of what the bigger picture is here, that you are showing self-control. And that's regaining the power of the moment, because those moments will accumulate over time. And over time, that child is going to respect you. If you lose it, you've lost even more ground on any type of potential connection.

Yeah, exactly. I love the way you're saying that. You're retaining your power in that moment.

And you are. If you start reacting as much as they're reacting, now they've got another reason to disrespect you. In their mind.

In the child's mind. Yeah, and figure out a way. You can have a squeeze ball close by or all over the house. Or whatever you need to regulate yourself. Some people put things in their pocket or chew gum. Little subtle things that help remind you, I've got to manage me.

I've got to be all in. Maybe it's that drink of water and you regain perspective that when the kids are the most unlovable, that's when they require the most love from you. That's truly when you're being a loving person.

And so every night, pray for that extra refill from God on how you can love deeply and in a steadfast way. That means immovable, unshakable, and that will transform your home over time. This is a hurting child where their city, if you can picture this, has had an earthquake. And they're trying to rebuild and they are angry. And so them not listening to you is generalized to all their hurts are probably being brought to you. And they need somebody to blame. And you're the easiest one. They're angry because of what has happened.

They can't even pinpoint it. And the more you can just respond with warmth and gentleness and love, like you're saying, through the Spirit, moments will change over time. And maybe that's that support system you need to regroup, but also agreeing with your spouse what boundaries need to be there so that you also provide consequences along the way, some boundaries to what's being done, what's being said, so that the things don't get out of control. We are listening to the Family Life Blended podcast on Family Life Today, where Ron Deal sat down with Danny Huerta. And man, I tell you, Ron, that drinking in the Holy Spirit visual is one that really sticks. I'm not going to forget that. I'm going to try to apply that even in marriage, Ron.

What did you think? Oh, yeah, I love it. It physically is helping your body to calm down, which is something we have to do in order for our brain to turn back on. And the imagery of a prayer as you drink, Lord, pour into me the fruit juice of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness. Let me find self-control, Lord, right here, right now, so I can go back and reengage with my child. Beautiful imagery.

Physically, it works. Spiritually, it's magnificent. And every parent needs it. If there's ever a time you need the fruit of the Spirit, it's when you're being a mom or a dad. So let's go back and hear more of this conversation. Is it possible to do both of those set boundaries and be gentle?

Yeah, and it doesn't have to be in that moment of emotion. It can be when something's asked, you say, well, I'd love to really develop trust between us and I'd love to develop relationship. Here's some of the things that you made a decision to go against in our home. These are the values we've got and you went against it.

Here's what we've agreed on is the consequence to that. Maybe it's not going out with friends. And again, I mean, counseling is probably going to, in this situation, counseling would be helpful. Somebody from an objective standpoint helping mediate that. And I can tell you, a lot of teens have come into my office and say, I don't want to be here. I don't see why I need to be here. This is my parents' problem.

I'm not the problem. Yet they do agree that they want a life that's different. And so the sooner they fire the counselor, the better. Yes, exactly.

That's right. Work ourselves out of a job. That's what we're trying to do.

I like the way you cast that. So the parent can say, I do want to consider your request, but here's some things that you've done. And so here's some boundaries I'm going to have to set.

But this is all a conversation about how you can regain my trust. And so work back to a place where that thing you asked for, that thing you wanted to do, for example, is something we can work towards. That is drawing on the motivation of the child in a way to say, let's work on this together. It's giving them some hope. I think when kids feel like, man, there's no hope. Nobody's listening to me.

Nobody cares. There's no way I'm going to honor your boundaries because what's the point? Yeah, and it gets messy. As a parent, what you can do is remember what's important to that child that you're trying to connect with. If it's a stepchild that's bringing a lot of anger towards you and blaming a lot of things on you, be persistent and remember those things that they love and not to make it a kid-centric home, but to show that you care deeply about what they think, who they are, and getting to know them. If you guys can incorporate one-on-one times with something that is of interest to you and to the child and taking turns, that is good. Again, we don't want to create a narcissistic type of undertow in the house, but the child's going to need to learn how to love back as well. You just need to be persistent. I want to use that word.

Steadfast is actually one of my favorite words. Let me turn the corner to a little bit different scenario. What if the child's anger towards a parent or a stepparent is completely justified? They are indignant about something the parent has done. Let's say you're a biological parent and you've been MIA for a while, and now you're coming back into a child's life, or you have burdened your child, as you were talking earlier, and you've made them responsible for communicating with the other household, your co-parent, and they've had to carry the burden of this conflict between the two major cities, and it's just been hard and a pain and a burden, and now you're wanting to make it better or something. Or a scenario I've run into many times, you had an affair. You ended your family because of an affair.

You've now married the affairee, and that's your blended family, and the child is going, I just can't accept this. It's almost like I'm giving mom or dad a pass on their actions if I get happy about this new family. What does a parent do then? Well, realize that when a child is in that inflexible type of mindset, and that's what I'll call it, inflexible, that it's you require justice, you have wronged me, they will usually move against you.

That's just a natural inflexible tendency of the mind. So a child's just thinking, this is how justice happens, or they may cling to the other parent to be safe, depending on the age and personality. But what a parent needs to do is come with a humble heart that says, I have done wrong. You are absolutely right, and accepting that, coming with an open, teachable heart, repentant, but not constantly. You ask for forgiveness, you don't plead for it.

You ask for it, you say, I'm sorry, knowing what I know now, I would do things differently, or whatever that may be. But bringing honest desire and genuine desire for connection and knowing that it's going to take time to repair. You're going to have to be patient. It could take a couple of years, maybe even three years. But that persistence of you showing that you're a different person is going to give new information to that child to interpret who you are differently, right?

At this point, there's justice that needs to be served, and the sentence is never long enough for that, and realize that. And so sometimes the question is, what do you need from me to make things better? And the child usually doesn't know what to answer. Well, I wish you wouldn't have done that. I understand that, and I'm asking for that forgiveness.

Do you think you can do that? And sometimes they'll say, no. You say, I get that, let me know if you change your mind or when that happens, and just know that I love you, I would die for you, I still want to connect with you, and I hope we can continue to do that. Then following through with your commitments, even if it's going to hurt, if you're going to feel the rejection, prepare yourself emotionally for that, and the more persistent and steadfast you're in in the relationship with that type of emotion, you will, over time, begin to see a difference in how they respond to you, because then you're trustworthy, you're following through, you're showing that you're doing what you're saying, and they will see the difference over time. They'll be watching you, but know that your role is coming with a humble and repentant heart as you try to build that bridge. And they may grenade it, build it again, right, and just say, hey, just a reminder, I really love you, want to connect with you, but you don't have to keep admitting to the fault over and over and over and over again to regain love. That's never going to really do any good, and it's going to make you feel worse, worse, and they'll punish you more and more.

It's having a moment of special connection where you repent to that and you talk to them and you ask for forgiveness, and beyond that you love consistently and you're able to reference back, hey, remember when we talked about this one that I asked for forgiveness? Well, that's our starting point of something new between us, and I'm hoping you're willing to open up as a new chapter between us. And can we close the previous chapter and just have a conclusion to that, open a new one, maybe we can title it a new chapter, and with kids that are creative you can do that. You can say, hey, what could we title this new chapter that we can start to write together, because the previous chapter was super messy, but there's a new chapter that we can write. We've been listening to the Family Life blended podcast here on Family Life today, and boy, I tell you, that conversation Ron had with Danny, Ron, I tell you, what he just said there at the end, every parent.

We're thinking, can he live in my house, please come and help me? We all want to start a new chapter because we've messed up or we've done things like Danny said that are messy. But I like, too, how he talked about gentleness and respect, how they can work together. He was even gentle as he said it. And that can produce strength and self-control, and then parents control themselves so that, I mean, this is important, we control ourselves so that we can connect with our children.

Yes, and it's also part of the repair process. When we mess up, and I've been there, done that, the finding gentleness is a way to begin to repair. I mean, essentially, you do something, your child feels hurt, you want to show them you're changing. You've got to demonstrate that. We expect change out of our kids around their behavior.

We've got to demonstrate that first. And that starts with us even knowing what our triggers are so we can manage those things a little better. I love his phrase, you've got to let your mind control your brain, right? And that's having the mind of Christ. Philippians 4 comes to mind, whatever's true, honorable, praiseworthy, just, pure, lovely.

What does he say? Think about these things. Let your mind control your brain. And then, verse 9, put them into practice. That's Paul's prescription here.

Think about it, put it into practice. And what comes next? Peace.

The God of peace will be with you. So, yeah, we discipline our minds, our thoughts, begin to change. That's going to help lead to repair in the relationship and bring peace. Yeah, what a helpful conversation.

And that was just really a part of the conversation. If you want to listen to more of it, go to our Family Life Blended podcast as part of our Family Life Network podcast, and you can listen to the rest of the conversation Ron had with Danny. Danny Huertas helped us to see that as we're persistent and steadfast, over time, we'll see a difference in how our kids respond to us. We can take proactive steps to walk with Jesus ourselves and model that well to our kids. Blended families face unique challenges, and we recognize that here at Family Life Today, which is why we're excited to talk about the upcoming Blended and Blessed one-day live event and livestream event happening on April 2nd. And we have Family Life's president, David Robbins, with us today.

David, tell us about the unique event that addresses this specific topic. Well, our Family Life Blended team is one week away from their premiere event that happens once a year called Blended and Blessed. If you haven't been before, I urge you to go check out this event. And what makes this event so special is that there are very few contexts out there that speaks uniquely to the challenges and the opportunities in step families.

And Ron Deal and his team and the guests that he has does a phenomenal job pointing you to Jesus, pointing you to the restorer of all things. And the ones that I've been able to go to in person, the feedback that I get the most is that people listen on the livestream or go in person, and they've never felt more known in their family and people knowing their situations than any other thing they've experienced. It truly is a blessing for blended families to experience this day.

That's great. You can head over to our website, familylifetoday.com, to look for the Blended and Blessed Conference. You can sign up there to attend live on April 2, or you can livestream the event. Again, head over to familylifetoday.com to find out more information and sign up, or you can give us a call at 1-800-358-6329. That's 1-800-F as in Family, L as in Life, and then the word TODAY. The content today or any of the Family Life programs have been helpful for you.

I know they have been for me. We'd love for you to share today's podcast with a friend or family member. Wherever you get your podcasts, it could really advance what we're doing at the Ministry of Family Life if you'd scroll down and rate and review us. Now this weekend, a lot of Weekend to Remember events are happening all over the country. There's Weekend to Remember is happening in the Poconos in Pennsylvania, Des Moines, Iowa, Nashville, Tennessee, Newport, Rhode Island, Redondo Beach, California. If you'd take a moment to pray for those couples as they're gathering this weekend to attend our Weekend to Remember events. Coming up on Monday, Dave and Ann Wilson are going to be talking with author Joe Rigney about how we can sometimes miss the beauty and blessings in everyday common things and events that our Heavenly Father longs for us to delight in as His children. That's next week. We hope you can join us. On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Shelby Abbott. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life, a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.