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February 1, 2022 9:00 pm
Do you feel like you could use some soul care, mom? On FamilyLife Today, author Maggie Combs offers encouragement to identify and address your real needs.
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So as a mom, what would you say if you can remember was your biggest source of stress when you're raising her voice. Think actually any stage you what I was going to say.
Each stage had its own decree of stress. You know, like when there is little will they stay alive. Can I keep them alive as they get older. With teenagers like what trouble could they get into our what are they doing as they get older, like who are they going to marry and so decent. I mean everything for the state has a different degree of stress and think you worry about welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most time and Wilson and Dave Wilson and you can find us if it we live today.com or on our family life is family life today hope you never worry about it again, just one that I can't speak for other dads but I talked to a lot of guys and they seem to be somehow can get a look into our studio today on their dads to dads do you guys worry about your kids like 24 70 no Jim's laugh and knows Gerald Jim does the okay so maybe it's kind of everybody's different. Some of his personality so is Gary but I don't think I've ever met a mom that doesn't carry it almost nonstop so I might be interesting since not every day. Do we have two moms in the family life today studio in one dad to ask you to some questions related to we have Maggie comes back with us again, thank you for being back in family today. Thanks for having me. Yeah, this is a great discussion about motherhood really from your book motherhood without all the rules, which is fascinating and it's also interesting. I have two moms just voicing our three sons that are your oldest is 10 yes yeah and our oldest is 36 050 notices 35 she knows because she is thinking about you. Like I always get it wrong. She never gets it wrong, but we have grandkids almost as old as your your well we have a six Road granddaughter so you have a son. The six right yet will be seven so I attention your into different stages and I think there's a lot of wisdom in the room. We go to season. Mom and her younger mom and I think not only can parents are a lot but moms can learn from you guys so he has not only written this book which the subtitle is trading stressful standards for gospel truths.
Maggie, you wrote a book when you are right at the beginning of mothering called on super mommy did you go over the title and dead that's good so what happened is I put up a picture of me and my three boys and I probably have like a two month old or some and a 15-month-old and a three-year-old and someone wrote on it super and I was like where you're going to not bear the burden of title if they could only see my house right now and my children right now they would know I am not a super year just trying to survive.
And so the cold.
That book was to help women throw off some of that expectation that really got nine months to set up expectations of ourselves that nine months to build up those expectations in her head only takes a couple months to knock them all the floor so but you're also a writer and then you know it's a little known fact is you live on a hobby farm. What is a hobby farm.
Well, I feel like the fancy term nowadays is homestead. Don't do any of the homestudy and stuff really are. You and Voss camp second. Not at all and probably the antithesis of that.
Like, how can we do this with his minimal work for me as possible. So that's how I grew up, my parents have some acreage outside of the suburbs and I grew up there. We had cows and horses and then we found out were pregnant with her third boy. We like get us to the fox and so your parent close to the parents.
So we built the house right next door to my parents and we share the land with them and then we added to the livestock fainting goats. Why will these things have you ever it like you are like having a really bad go on to YouTube and type in thinking your well, got herself funny so you have goats that think. Yes, like all the time how just work when they are scared or excited anything just fall over or I've made up my own term. Sometimes it's like they don't fully fall over. They just get leg locked like. Also, their legs are all straight like this and they have to like walk.
I can even show obviously Mrs. not visual but a boys paradise when they get scared. So how old are your boys when you got your fainting goats.
I think 45 and the Simon.
They're very gentle at them. My middle son loves animals and he like makes a pack of every time we have goat babies are literally the cutest time, like jump up in the air and do fancy twists in life just so joyful. But my son always takes one to like make it heads and he liked takes it down the slide with him and then carries it all over and then one day we sell it. Talk about hard life. I so funny. Let me ask some questions to you moms.
Several of these you cover in probably both books, but I know differently in this latest one the mother without all the rules, you know, even you Doug but a farmer sounds like all that's a great escape for some people you live there.
There is a myth and you say us we would call it standard stressful and restful standard of moms deserve an escape. You deserve this you earn. This is a true we actually we tell ourselves we need like we can't go on until we have had this escape and we set it up as the most important thing and sometimes it is like a piece of chocolate in the pantry. Good right.
I actually like start a whole thing in the pandemic. Those like pandemic pantry Friendship myself in the pantry and as little as I or it's the next trip that we are planning what it's like a bubble bath and all these things are good things. The problem is we elevate them to a need, because actually tells us that he supplies all that we need and that he is the one who feeds us and cares for us like he feeds the sparrows and the birds of the air and so we tell ourselves we need these things and then when we need something we are willing to fight to get it and sold a lot of times I hear mom say all the time. I say all the time I thought I being angry mom why my mom.
Well, it's these kittens keep getting in the way of what I've told myself that I need to survive, and then they start taking that little piece of comfort away from me and suddenly I'm just a flashpoint of anger and I yell at them and then I feel the shame and all. Why did I do that it's because I had elevated this need up to the point where it was more important than my need for God not put on the throne of my life and that little need was ruling everything for me. You know what else we do with that need as we look at our husbands. If were married and we think they get all their needs met and we begin comparing our lives compared to them. There are dead and then we think like oh if I don't get what I deserve. My escape, then I'm mad not only at my life, but it my husband at the circumstances and at my children and it seems like weight went like it doesn't seem like it's a bad thing because to say you need an escape.
That's not a bad thing that can be true and we all need that at times that you're saying we kind elevated to the point where it's our Savior. Yeah. And then we create these things that aren't actually meeting the need that we really do have and that might be actually some fellowship with women that will point us to Christ, yeah, but it's soul care kinds of things were so focused on self-care are external needs. That is a big word right now dear self-care that we totally neglect soul care and I've heard self-care people described as likely got to put your oxygen mask on yourself first. If the plane is going and I went to a lot of times the mask were putting on has no oxygen coming from yeah because the things that were using our oxygen providers cut is the breath of life. He gives us oxygen and know that doesn't mean that, like always, then every time it's running got have my nose deep in my Bible, which is great but it can be just changing our motive instead of a self focused thing.
That's like I need this so I'm going to take it a minute get it can say I am weak.
I have physical limitations as a woman, so I'm going to look at my day and see cut is maybe physically limited, and I need to take a nap now to be able to do what he's asked me to do today. It's just a change in our attitudes and at the focus from ourselves to looking up to God and saying man I am not God. I can't do everything.
Moms can't do everything as we can't be super moms but that's embracing the weakness in connecting to God to empower us. Part of that is meeting our physical needs with an attitude of thank you for giving me the opportunity to me that the way it reminds me of the woman at the well and John for she thought her need. She could've said, my need is for man that would love me.
I've had five and no one has loved me and got a sink not, that's not what you need.
That's not your scape because were all looking for ways to escape. He was saying. I am the living water.
If you drink of Neil have streams of living water, and that's what you mean Maggie. He is the oxygen. He's the one that fills us up and meets those needs hard so that brings up another topic, I think I give you a shot at talking to the men talking to the husband's talking to the dads what he would need from us men or just tell your own man, but I mean what you want to moms long for their husbands to do to help them. I think what most moms I know I feel like listening to my friends talk to. We just want to husbands to see us to recognize that it is really hard work that may be motherhood sometimes ask more from us than fatherhood asked from them emotionally because we are always thinking about our children like we talked about and just got recognition of like hey I see that you've been working really hard lately was such a long way and then the recognition. Also, if like I Sue this is been really hard but I see that God is working in your life and changing our encouragement to being based upon God's work in their life instead of everything that you're accomplishing because sometimes you can get it also drowned in our head and be like well if I don't accomplish it.
Then you will think of something so just seen her recognizing and then cleaning her to Jesus to just like protect mode good friends do. I would add to that to. I agree with all of Maggie in this part of like seeing us. I think Dave when he would do this sometimes, but I had to ask you to do it. Just asking to ask me how I'm doing that's really big as part of feeling like all you hear me and you're interested in my life which now feel super boring and monotonous like of who wants to hear about this. I'm bored with myself and so when you asked me how you doing I really I think you are afraid to do that because if you asked that I would say well I would be doing a lot better if you would… But I think for us as women just have been asked that question feels like you're entering into our world and the other thing I feel like you are good at this, you would tell me specifically what you are inspired by in my life. One time you said I love that you're always being Scripture or you praying in the car like I love how you bringing God into the boy's daily life and into your life and I remember thinking I am I doing something noticing you saw that because the kids don't know they don't see it. They're not single thanks mom for feeding me again. You know, they made once in a while, but first spouse to recognize and point specifically to something we've done well of sharing Jesus that is like a breath of fresh air tarsal job ever. You also think in the lease you told me this is a gift by both agree that you also want us to help. I would like those are great answers but also like it if you just want to lay really real being like a wedding you take Saturday morning to go do what you want and I'll watch the there was something about getting the boys out and I was in the house by myself was like the most amazing gift. If you vacuum that Mike, are you kidding this is like Christmas. Today I want.
And again it could be taken out and we did the boys they out, which I would take all three boys for half the day once a month and I was like a big deal and they loved it and I gave her bricks but selfish. I remember one time you were with us. Yep, Saturday afternoon, get lunch sued in the highchair. The whole thing. It was just their little boys is chaos. You get the whole table set up and I go over get myself some ice getting nice to you poor come down, sit down on their forget this and hear all three wars are there, it's chaos. And I say to her. Hey you don't preach and unselfish is tomorrow. I need a good illustration. She goes seriously you see what you just did a Mike what she was you. You know you're serious for Nago what what what I do shoot Hewitt over and get yourself a drink, you never got anybody else to drink. I got all three boys drink the governors of regrets you want illustration. The you're the illustration you that he would always it is because I was like how am I that blind. I was usually gets me about when my husband takes my boys out. He'll take them to link a fast food restaurant every single time does not fail. Somebody comes up to them and him to pleasers. You must be a really good dad.
Isn't this amazing. You have all of them out people of the world say this to moms, even if for her in the really great for dad, we can say it to mom. Yeah it's it's okay I got a whole different topic using her mother with a 10-year-old mom with grandkids chronicles as a mom if your son or daughter walks away from the 50s. Teenage years are beyond what you do, how you struggle with that house that navigated as a mom, so I had to talk about this.
My book, I had to go to a mentor mom of mine to talk to her little bit it because I can see it only from my perspective right now. Early in life, but I'll tell you I think there's an identity thing in there. Obviously there's like a really true beautiful thing he will kids to know Jesus. Of course, there's also an identity thing because we feel like we work so hard to be a mom and what is like the A+ on the report card of godly motherhood. If not, your kids grow up to follow Jesus and it can be like if that doesn't happen, then probably I wasted my whole life that we get really dramatic in our hat. Yet right so all moms this is just a constant fear cross every season is like what happens if this happens, so I talked to a friend of mine who experienced that signaled only thing I can do with just say Jesus even better than this.
Even if my daughter never comes back to the Lord. After running away like Mike and I believe Jesus still good.
He still better that he is my treasure even be on the treasure of my children and I pray that I don't have to face that had on but I also know that I can work now to make a daily practice of when that fear comes asking myself that question now so that if one day down the road I have to face a prodigal child then I will have made a practice I did tae kwon do with my boys. Yes, that is not something I ever plan how to get a lot of chronicles of tae kwon do. This is usually cited take Windows my boys. I was a good dude.
I signed them up for it was like a family tae kwon do though my youngest would not do it without me. So I started doing tae kwon do and the tae kwon do instructor would yell these things at us in one of the things, videos, practice makes, and everybody would yell perfect and he would stop us as a no. Practice makes habits, and so if you are a mom where your kids are still young and you're facing that fear. We can make a habit right now of believing the truth of God's word. The cut is still good in every circumstance that he is sovereign, that it's not something that we did that created this problem with our child.
He is sovereign over our lives and he is sovereign over theirs and that we can entrust them to him and if not, he is still better I would agree with all of that, that's beautifully said and I think there comes a practice and a habit of surrendering your kids every day at the cross. And that's not an easy thing to do. I think to that fear grips moms more than anything else. If we allow it to because we can be overwhelmed with fear every day of the circumstances of life.
The culture that our kids are being raised in the things that are going on like we can project so much fear into the future and I think every single day of that surrender and we picture giving Jesus our kids.
Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night have told you this. Not too long ago like I can wake up in the middle of the night and I have all adult children and I think their marriage is okay there, you know I'm going through all this stuff. Are they struggling with anything and in order to go back to sleep. I have to picture myself standing with Jesus and I push our kids, our sons back to Jesus and I have to say, but Lord you love them more than I do. You see them more than I do. You can take care of them more than I ever could in my worry isn't going to amount to anything that will be helpful so I hand them to you a good and loving father and their yours and I'm can I trust you and sometimes bad things still happen, but God, the gospel of the truth of Jesus is bigger than that and that's hard to live out it has to become. I like what you said making a habit of that total surrender every day. Yeah, I think, deals been funded as to moms hey I really like your question about that dad's way to go. What can dads do well as the interview isn't the white skin until he hears it elder himself of the Judeo Dylan, but I think that's a great word.
The habit thing because surrender is a habit.
Yes, not a one time it's a daily almost minute by minute especially neutral and that you can't control. You have to him him open my hand right now because we hold on tightly to her children and as they grow up in the sourcing prepared to go. Okay, they're not mine. There, his they may make the decisions and maybe good ones. My identity is not how they do identities in Christ surrender again to a.m. 360 surrender and God will walk with your children. It is true for us as moms and our power source to try to accomplish the assignment God's given us to raise our kids if our power source for that is anything other than the power of the gospel. Jesus alive in us animating us to do what he's called us to do work and find ourselves flailing and failing. But if we are connected to Christ daily. That's where the power to function as effective parents is gonna come from.
That is one of the central themes of Maggie Combs book motherhood without all the rules the subtitles treating stressful standards for gospel truths. I think about how many moms I know who are trying to live out the stressful standards. Instead of finding their peace and their hope in the gospel truths we would love to send you a copy of Maggie's book as a way of saying thank you for your ongoing support of the ministry of family life today.
I think most of you know, family life today is listener supported its listeners like you who have made today's program possible. You help cover the cost of producing and syndicating this program every time you make a donation when you do that today when you make a donation. We'd love to say thank you by sending you a copy of Maggie's book motherhood without all the rules. So if you could help us extend the outreach of family life today. Help us reach more people more often by making a donation today ask for your copy of Maggie Combs book motherhood without all the rules when you do that you can donate email@example.com or you can call to donate at one 800 FL today, one 803 586-329-1800 F is in family L as in life, and when the word today, not tomorrow to hear about how our walk with Jesus impacts intimacy in our marriage. There is a connection between what's going on in our soul and what goes on in the most intimate parts of our marriage David and Wilson talk about that tomorrow.
Hope you can be with us for that on behalf of our host Steven M Wilson on Bob Lapine will see you back tomorrow for another additional family life to the family like today is a production of family life accrue ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most