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January 11, 2022 9:00 pm
Are there any patterns in my life which are negatively influencing my marriage? Authors Kevin and Marcia Myers say that addressing those "elephants" can breathe new life into your relationship.
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One of things I really really underestimated.
When we got married was the baggage say you've run and I was kissing you how he had Harry I said you know you have a lot of radiators here welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most and will send it on Dave Wilson and you can find email@example.com or on our family life, family life today. Think about if you would put our unit, our childhoods in our families of origin on paper a counselor would look at us and say you have real struggles and you put on top of that, that you're 19 and 22 thinking that we think we don't need help… We were carrying in a whole airplane car down the aisle and then into marriage and then again I don't think it showed up for us for a few months, if not even a year and I really thought I love Jesus so much all of my bag disappeared me so gracious in that instead of letting it disappear. He brings it back and says all I'd love to shape you and I'm gonna allow some of that baggage to shape you or you can ignore it and it will just wreak havoc on our life that I got actually found out actually use all that for good news, it was not good. There is a lot evil in there, but as he redeemed it open the bags and began to help me also but also exist today that wrote a book that really deals with dad Kevin and his wife Marcia Myers from Atlanta Georgia will Summers of Lancer write exactly 12 stone church well-formed kids, you will confirm alive your kids and grandkids got big church you get a full life. And on top of that you write a book called the second happy rice seven practices to make your marriage better than your honeymoon.
Talk about this. You know, because we talked about the a zone where we all have hopes and dreams we get into the B zone, which is the real struggle and a lot of people go. I love it you. You're such a pastor go to the queue zone which is quit. We don't want to go to the cues only wanted to see zoning at a funeral or drama.
Get the book or listen to the previous broadcast because it's grace up a talk on this. What is the second happy, everybody has that marriage moment when you exchange the I do with such deep romantic love. Yes, if you do this you guys are said no one loves like we believe we are forever and somewhere along the line. The majority of us for a lot of that love feel like we made mistakes and wonder, is there any hope.
Do you have to move on and we applied that to our house in love with the house you buy a fantastic house then after a while you see its flaws and that doesn't just happen with physical houses happens with relationship you see its flaws brief and all you see is its flaws and so then you just put the house for sale, selling go by another when you fall in love with and we do this with houses we exchanged. We did this with a few houses ourselves until our last house we lived there for 10 years and we are tired of the flaws and we had a you know that standard American next thing. What if we run of it ran we started renovating the house that we been in for 10 years and we fell back in love with the same house we did. We did the kitchen with the basement. We did something in our bathroom weeks like we redid the house and discovered that there is a second happy in the same house will also discover that in marriage you can find a second happy and it's more rich. It's a deeper companionship. It's everything you hope was possible that you lost. After the honeymoon but you don't get there by accident. So what we decide to do.
We hope it's helpful is be honest about our journey and the things that you wouldn't easily see from the stage or be in the neighbor that went on at home that we had to work through.
That's how you get the seven practices Serge as you're talking I'm thinking that's exactly what were hoping for the weekend to remember marriage get away. I believe really hope you might have a great marriage but we can help you to get a better or you might be really struggling and you can get to the second happy it's it's in some ways a renovation weekend yeah you sorta look at what you built and you realize men were struggling. We can do better and we give you tools you really a tool bag to say working to help you do it so the house a writer like Y center. For this I will tell you right now you can get half off if you go to family life today.com right now son up for we can remember marriage get away anywhere you want to.
Can you can go to a destination you go to your own city. There's probably one near you and go for the weekend Friday to Sunday. I'm telling you, you will get a second happy.
I can't guarantee it will almost guarantee it. We've literally seen God do miracles when the last ones I spoke at a guy will came up and said rip of my divorce papers. They were getting divorced or going to the lawyer on Monday and got showed up and they started in a second happy.
We started talking about you know what we brought in baggage is not about this in your book, you have a very interesting chapter called the Vic the elephant this day because I got so interested, you're saying if a couple really wants her marriage to be all they want to be and ultimately out to infinity. They need to do what a lot of couples are hesitant to do they need to learn how to address and evict the elephants in their marriage. Now I think that's what you were can I say yes in the world that what is that. So everybody's probably heard the phrase there's an elephant in the room and all that means is if were sitting here together in an elephant walked in and sat down on the couch and nobody reacted. We we treated like that's normal.
It would be so bizarre that it would put the whole room and pretense down were not admitting the truth something odd, something dysfunctional, something undoing to the environment and public is in the room. Then of course the elephants eventually going to do his business is left in the room and if you don't acknowledge the elephant you don't acknowledge the mess they make either and so you end up living in pretense and pretense, we discovered realize I learned in the waggle because we all bring a little bit a package or a lot from our families.
Mortgage elephants into the way I say about a herd and it was some time before I could see the elephant to be honest I didn't know the time what was creating the conflict and what had we ignored what did we bring what you mean by that pretense.
Well let me givethat leads into our family. I'll do it from a family of origin. Let me start by parents got married in high school, pregnant left high school didn't finish got married.
Dad wasn't highly motivated so they live poor.
I was number three and they were 20 years old when they had me so three kids, 24, uneducated, no high school graduation. They came to faith in Christ. Three years later, but my dad had all sorts of baggage.
So we lived one way at home and one way at church and we were at the center of the church as a family is a smaller church hundred to our people and my dad is a spiritual leader in the church and leaving a completely different life at home to different lives and when we went to church there times he would say straighten up where it church which means you don't bring the truth what's going on at home to church. We don't tell the truth, so we live in pretense and pretense ruined my life.
Eventually they divorced and my two older brothers and my dad left on left with mom and my younger sister and me, which you can't do that to a 12-year-old boy and not unraveling his life.
Baggage comes with that wounds come with emotional dysfunction and no families perfects every family has dysfunction, but those are the things that undo the quality of companionship and you can't get to a experiential oneness unless you travel through pretense unless you're honest about the elephants in the room and began to evict them sometimes. You know what they are.
So that's what we mean by that, by the framework for the conversation Marsha did you have any elephants. Yes I would say that I did. We laugh because my family was far more consistent Christian pretty much showed me both at home and at church was the same, but I think partly I maybe got a little self-righteous just because I thought well, our families, perfects, and where perfect and I can show you how to be perfect. You know or they did it the right way. Therefore what I do is the right way as well.
He had a sense of pride yeah I would say's when you say that we are probably at us more right through you. Is there pretty quick. Yeah it was a major breakthrough to cover that he wasn't wrong she was, while she grew up that way, but just because you live better the moment it goes to self-righteous right it's undoing and offputting and distancing will kudos for her because she eventually had the courage to see it own and identify before I ever: I think just in relationship to both come from a different place when you get married, you're marrying a whole bunch of things. Some of them are good and some of them aren't so good, but I noticed that people always want their traditions to come into the marriage and not the other person's traditions, so you know you my family was right in your family was wrong when actually it's more like a lot of times they're just different, and we have to decide how to blend them together laughing because I married the same woman is not go on.
While that is a good everything you say in as a little girl and they have a great family. Her dad was my high school Facebook only show up with me but they were just good p.m. and inner city was a town about 40,000. They were known as the family when you want to be like the barons and I get to marry ended up but she brought in this self-righteousness is revealing it off. I told him we were dating I love my family so much and we can go to church but I had heard the story of Noah and I thought if God saved any family it would be our secret because worth it, though not good our family be the first one kicked off the boat way so you messed up so that is sorted through. I had all kinds elephants.
They were standing up in the room from alcohol to adult treated girlfriends to abuse. It's all there, and then her family really was the model that it really became a problem right in our marriage.
I had sexual abuse in my bike that's the secret. I know that is even an elephant I know yeah it's in the other room. This was in the room. Stinking time yes interested in what you do when you start to identify. We got some elephants.
I love your cartoon. I never read that is we put that you have the stick figure families in the back of cars and sometimes have the pets with them. You know you're on the window yeah the little white some mom and dad, the kids how many kids yeah add to what your sport mommy your whatever your pets. You will die look at whatever so we put a family of four, a stick figure, dad, mom, two kids and then we put an elephant and what we were really saying is this, if you embrace the elephant as a family pet usually have to care about Dave.
You're not going to do anything to evict an elephant until you understand what eventually will be destroyed because of the elephant.
If you don't take the life of King David in the Old Testament who decided at a certain point of success that he wasn't gonna go back out to battle send everybody else end up in an affair, hide it. Welcome to the elephant in the room yeah yeah then indirectly but by his own hand really murdered her husband marry her. Have to get it get what he begin to do pretense pretense pretense.
Then later on when his own sons did the same kind of thing won't get the long story but am then with Hae Martin as others and absorb all that there's pretense and then David covers it up does nothing about that. David's greatest sorrow was what broke between he and Absalom, and it was because a family let the elephants become the family pet name the moment you realize the destruction of elephants in the room you'll have the courage to evict them. That's where we start the chapter is you, wherever you are in your marriage or family. Everybody brings some baggage. Everybody brings some elephants with them and if you don't address those and evict them.
It eventually will be the source of great damage.
It is interesting that you know you talk about David and his family. Generational sin really. I can remember what my oldest is 35 married I can remember when Caesar was, and I think nine years old so I can see you sitting on the couch in the family room and for some reason I brought up a C did you know that the Bible actually says that the sins of the father will actually go down into the family.
If you're not careful. It's in the 10 Commandments. It's in Exodus 20 and I'm just saying you know what you think of that.
I'll never forget.
He just got up. Please walk out the room he looks back he goes dead. Don't sin. They walks over hi Harold he gets it for you and knows a lot of what it is you know it.
Is that whatever elephant your struggle with me. I'm sort of it could be said it could just be generational in your family but you got understand what you just shared is gonna go down right so I'm thinking of a mom and dad listen right now just want to remind you what you're struggling with in the dark You think nobody will ever find out, and they may never find out. But I'm telling you, even as an older dad now a grandfather that sin goes into your family. Even though it's private use others to see your sons and daughter struggling with.
I struggle with.
They don't even know that's my struggle that is good. I can see it and it's like, then the elephant becomes the way you talk about how I can tell that I can let them you have to write not only talk about it, but then to evict it to start with.
What's the elephant right yet when I don't talk about a day. That's when you adopt to the moment you decide not to talk about. You adopted as the family pet to have. Even if you put in the closet. It's still there. So you've now adopted that you must will put on the back of your car with the rest your family pictures say well we got elephants and we just we just embrace them yeah and the destruction that comes down the road is horrific. So how did you guys address the elephant wedded that look like, oh my, so many obvious you and I brought the majority of elephants and I eventually was able to own that I was eventually able to say all right. We have so much baggage, so many elephants and we stayed. We started with one of mine, and here's what we discovered that when one has the courage to confess there's an elephant so you can evict until you admit that's in the room so you say what you do okay will look around admit it's in the room or if there's 20 elephants pick one anyone will do not have the smallest elephant say don't we have nothing… I get we can at least deal with the baby and so confess it and when you do begin to work through it and how we did what we illustrate when we talk about the difficulty we had two children and in the communication process of navigating conflict. We talk about fair fights in the first sections communication second section is compromise and then the third is counseling and that's when you can't get through it and many times you can't get through conflict and get resolution because you have elephants stage, put that the pack so people understand that we eventually had one thing we couldn't get through. Want to talk about your sense of itself as you use God's reason God you know wouldn't let me settle with two kids right. We had two kids a boy and a girl.
Kevin was like this is great. I got a boy, I got a girl I'm done I on the other hand was like well I grew up in a really big family. I love being a mom. I don't think I'm done it to.
And so that was the conflict and for years really. We went back-and-forth we would put it under the table for a while like I wasn't there, and then it would kind of, I mean, obviously I'm a mother's clock is ticking. So everyone so I would check back in now. I still want one EB like I still don't want one. And so there was a constant back-and-forth that way and we end up going to friends Boston with friends and eventually to a counselor. The counselor said you are afraid of having more kids because you're going to fail like your father in the next word out of my mouth was an expletive that pastors don't use and we left because you are mad. He was mad he had just found there's an elephant in the room and my response. Just think of what drama word you would think that you wouldn't saying go one further and walked out literally just got walked out that we were done when backing up about how you never went back. But what I realized is I had seen all my fathers elephants but I didn't know how to see my own so I'm not willing to have 1/3, because I'm not even succeeding with two and I can't trust God, help us with three financially, emotionally or relationally. If were struggling with two more than she knows.
I'm sure I'm not telling her yeah and a whole bunch of us have issues that come from the wounds of our past that make decisions in the present that nobody knows are influencing transitions so if you don't acknowledge the elephant you don't know it's influencing the decision so I do begin to confess Satan look, I'm concerned about this and and then her elephant in the room was finance. She came from a financially stable home I came from wreckage and we already gone through bankruptcy. Growing up more than once and we were poor and government-subsidized housing, food stamps, when I was in high school midnight you there is something in me that gets affected by that and I were planting a church it's not working with two children. She wants another one. What is wrong with you.
I was like well I mean we always had enough thinking working to trust Jesus into trouble. Every once in a while, but we always worked it out, you know, I mean when I can is starved to death.
You know it's good to be fine, but I had to come to grips what we had decided if we were going to go forward and there's an old another thing about how we came to that decision, but we finally decided that we would have another one, but we had to make an agreement and so the agreement part of it was that I was gonna take over the finances because he didn't want to do anymore ethics I can do this is to get to be so easy. This is how you show him how to do a budget yeah well I was so wrong. I made such a mess of it.
There wasn't enough money.
I thought we would be able to say, but it truly was difficult. He was wrong about setting to be fairly something to be fearful about exactly and so once I figured that out. I was like oh I am putting pressure on him.
Yeah, especially when you know that when you have 1/3 child Republican get a bigger car even want a bigger house, and I'm gonna want all these things and I'm going to just think they should appear, and so we kind of came to the realization that were to stay where we are. I'm not can ask you for a new house or new car and working on, but I am going to get what I really want, which is another child was your compromise and so her work world shifted and she's going to stay home and be with the three and will live on whatever we make and when I don't put pressure on church like that because that's what happens a lot yeah get mad at the true pastors get mad at the church or whatever the case might be, people do in their own business, they get frustrated. Somebody feels the pressure were making the sound fast, but this took some time and navigate and confess what was affecting the decision. I had mine. She had hurting thinkers was finance, I was all the emotional risk and you know what to trust God and provide and navigate that in.
We came to the other side by evicting these these elements was no easy thing.
Did you ever send a thank you note to the counselor you walked out. I believe I went I did, I went look for but he relocated but he gave you give it listen he gave us a gift, and he really does handle exactly what he was doing and kudos to him and now I know why people don't like me has to make use the elephant is so helpful for our listeners for you. I mean I was Lou. We started talking about our elephants that we didn't know there and yet addressing them was the hardest thing ever evicting them was even harder. And yet, here's our story and I know yours is exactly same unit only have one more child yet to lessen an amazing way and the only way you get to the second happy where you get to what you are hoping it would be in that the beginning is with the gospel. There's no other way is when meet you. He creates environments where the elephants appear. He says you gotta deal with this and then he gives you the power to deal with it. I have to get the point where I could experience forgiveness in my life and toward the elephants Northern the sin that was generational.
My family and God redeemed and now uses it to help others like he's using yeah in your book and I your process the things he went through and the things you're able to deal with are now a blessing to others and I know there's a couple listening say we can't get there you can you can't without Jesus, but you can if you want to surrender and again you can't surrender your spouse, you can always surrender you but if you're willing to say. I will surrender and start the journey to the second happy to get you there. I will miss Friday's today to start. I love Dave Wilson's point that the hard issues we face in marriage in our lives are not too hard for Jesus. He knows the issues and he can help us overcome find victory, find strength, find hope he can bring beauty from ashes when God is at the center of your marriage, the elephants in the room that David and Wilson have been talking with Kevin Marshall Myers about those elephants can be addressed. Our lives can be new. Our marriages can be new. That's the theme of the book Kevin and Marcia Meyers have written called the second happy seven practices to make your marriage better than your honeymoon.
Get copies of their book in our family like to resource Center. You can go firstname.lastname@example.org to order a copy or you can call one 800 FL today. Again, the title of the Myers book is the second happy. Find out more email@example.com and then let me encourage you to make a commitment as a couple to spend a weekend this spring focusing on your marriage get away from the kids from the distractions from everything else, just the two of you focusing on one another talking about God's design. God's plan. God's purposes for your marriage. I don't know of a better way to do that a better place to do that, then at the family life we can to remember marriage getaway.
We've got three or four dozen of these events happening in cities all around the country this spring. You can go firstname.lastname@example.org to find a link that will give you information about where and when we are hosting these getaways in the city near where you live and if you sign up right now for an upcoming get what you will save 50% off the regular registration fee as a couple so great incentive to make the plan now and join us this spring for a family life weekend to remember marriage getaway.
The special offer expires in about a week and 1/2. So take advantage of it today. Go to family life to.com for more information or you can register online giving questions call us one 800, FL, today is the number and we hope to see you this spring at a family life weekend to remember marriage getaway, not tomorrow or to continue the conversation about marriage. Deborah folate is going to join us to talk about how couples can be prepared for the hard seasons that are almost inevitable. I say almost because I've talked to some couples who would just say I don't know it's been a picnic for us, but that's not typical right all of us have experienced hard seasons in our marriage. How we get ready for those in how we know what to do when were in those hard seasons will hear from Deborah folate with David and Wilson tomorrow.
Hope you can be with us on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson on Bob team will see you back tomorrow for another edition of family life today like today is a production of family life accrued ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most