Growing Apart: Fighting the Marital Drift

So, you know, it's not every day that you get to be in the presence of somebody, you know, like the president.

I know. This is an exciting day. This is an exciting day. We've got the president in the studio. No, it is not Joe Biden.

It is David Robbins, the president of Family Life Today, and Meg Robbins. Welcome to Family Life Today. It is good to be here, guys. Should we call you Mr. President? Yeah, Mr. President. Let's don't.

And neither First Lady either. That is not what we go by. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson.

And I'm Dave Wilson. And you can find us at familylifetoday.com or on our Family Life app. This is Family Life Today. This is an exciting day.

We've got the president. I wish you guys could all sit down with David and Meg, because they're amazing people. You would like them right off the bat and you would relate to them. They've got four kids. They're in the midst of raising these kids. They've got a high schooler all the way down to a kindergartener. This is true. And they are all in school. Here we go.

They're all in school. Well, we recently heard you guys give a talk that I thought was pretty riveting. And one of the reasons you caught my attention at the very beginning was because you were talking about the drift toward isolation that can so easily happen in marriages. It happens to every single marriage. Would you agree that that's true?

Most definitely. No marriage is static. No family is static. Because the circumstances around us and the currents of life are not static. Especially when you're in the stage of life where you have kids that life is demanding.

You're the president of a large organization. We've been in the midst of this pandemic, which creates a lot of stress. So kind of take us to what you've learned and how that isolation is something that we all need to figure out how to deal with that.

Yeah, it's a great question. Because if we're honest, I mean, it doesn't have to be in the middle of a pandemic. Life on a regular day, you know, life is going to push us away from each other. The drift is not going to just naturally create intimacy between the two of us in our marriage. I mean, the reality of life is that it's hard and hard things happen and it's busy. And if you have kids or your empty nester or whatever stage, I think the natural tendency is for us to drift apart. And that goes with our relationship with the Lord drifting apart, our relationship in a marriage with your kids, with those that you want to have a heart for mission and invest in and trust the Lord to work in their lives. The reality is there's selfishness that we have in our own life that will drift me apart from Meg because of my own selfishness I have going on. There's the world and the forces and cultural currents that happen in our lives. And then there's also the enemy. Meg is not my enemy.

We have a enemy at work seeking to draw us apart from the relationships that matter most. And we have to pursue one another. We were actually at the beach this summer with my family. And at one of the last days, it was one of those days where the water was kind of rough, although I feel like there's always a current in the ocean, but it was extra rough this day.

And our kids love to boogie board. So they'll get out there and they're riding wave after wave after wave. And before they know it, they're way down the beach. You know, the water has taken them down and we're running down there yelling out in the ocean, you got to get back over here where umbrellas are. And so but they can't just walk back over in the water. You know, they really can't get back over. So we're motioning and yelling at them, come on in and get on the sand, walk back over here where we are. And then you can go back in again. But on your own, you're drifting way too far. You've got to get out and you've got to get on dry sand. And we've all done that. You've all been in the water and you don't realize like, well, how did I get over here? Exactly. I've never been able to do a boogie board.

Wait, why is that Dave? Now this is riveting. Okay, now you have to come to the beach with us. I mean, I've gotten on them. I just keep, I can't control it. You may be one of the most coordinated people I know. Not on a boogie board. Ask my wife. It's just a little problem with balance. Everything else is like on point. I'm not a gymnast.

Okay, that's good to know. There's one thing of all the things. Whatever. All I know is I have drifted. Whether you're on a boogie board or not, you drift. And as you said, life, if you don't stop the drift, if you're not, and we talk about this at the weekend. Remember, on Friday night, every marriage is headed toward oneness or isolation. And you don't head toward oneness unless you work toward oneness. Oneness. So that's what you're saying, right?

Right. We have experienced that we literally, in our marriage, we have had to get out of the water and walk on sand back toward each other. I mean, you mentioned we can remember just, I want to say it bluntly.

That's what we love about them. And that's what we see time and time again is that you get out on the sand for three days. And it's a rhythm break. There's something that happens that second night. There's something about being in a room with other couples at all different places in their marriage.

But you're being guided with timeless truth to move toward one another and work as a team. And it's why we love weekends to remember so much. And, you know, I do just want to say that right now is our half-price sale.

And it happens two times a year. Now is the time if you want to take advantage of getting on the sand, marking it out and planning for it. Now's a great time to take advantage of it. So go to familylifetoday.com.

It says somebody's saying, how do I sign up? Or you can call us 1-800-FL-TODAY and sign up for a weekend to remember near you and go to the beach, basically. That's right. Go stand on the sand. Some are on the literal beach.

Pick your location. But you'll be on the sand no matter what. Yeah. So talk about the, you know, you shared at the staff conference sort of this drift that took place even in your life and family and marriage in this last year. Yeah.

Well, I mean, I think ultimately it's not a matter of if, but what are we going to do when the drift happens? And I think for us, we realized that some significant things were happening that were hard in our life and in our marriage and just the total current of life. But what was happening is it kind of created this little wedge between us. And every new thing that happened seemed like a hammer. It really felt like the enemy was just hammering that wedge in and everything that happened seemed to push us just a little bit further apart.

Yeah. And the first one, you know, the pandemic starts and we have a kid with a lung disease. And so an at risk kid, especially in those initial months and unknowns, those first scares of the pandemic with an at risk kid was really consuming. Did you feel that, Meg?

I really did. I mean, I Ford has been really healthy. He is just turned 15 and he's been really healthy most of his life. And God has provided some amazing medicine along the way that has been even new that has been significant for him. But we knew this is so unknown and this is kind of uncharted territory for us personally to feel so at risk with, you know, his lungs being compromised. So I think we felt that in the beginning.

We were extra cautious and wanted to keep him safe, but knowing we can't control all things. And I think another one was just unexpectedly homeschooling, you know, in the very beginning of the lockdown. And suddenly, you know, our kids were at home all the time and trying to manage the teacher's expectation and trying to be a good homeschool mom, which I wasn't doing very well at all. So I've been unexpectedly working from home, you know, and then leading a ministry through an unprecedented time and doing so from a bonus room on a couch that we bought on Facebook Marketplace, you know, like, OK, this is it.

This is my life from nine to five. I thought it was significant when you were doing this talk, because each time you talked about this wedge, you should do this right here in the studio, in the studio. You took a step apart. And so another thing happened and you took a step apart. It's a great visual to think that as we go through hardships or just the daily grind of life, that drifting takes us a step apart from one another.

Yeah. And what else happened? Well, in the middle of the pandemic, before it started, actually, we were moving the family life headquarters from Little Rock to Orlando to join the rest of crew. And so in the middle of the pandemic, we moved our family and just navigating, moving our kids to a new school and helping them make new friends and all the things that came with that. That was another step apart, driving in the wedge and then finding a home and having the values and being on the same page in this market where, wait, we can't afford as much as we thought we could afford and trusting God for that magic home. And then my parents came to visit for 10 days, which actually turned into two months because my dad got COVID while they were here. And my in-laws came to visit and 10 days turned into two months. You love my parents.

I do. And what did you do with Ford in that circumstance? You know what? The crazy thing is he was away on a school trip. And the Lord really put a bubble around him several times this year.

And this was one of them. He was away on a school trip. And so he came home and for two more weeks, he bounced around to all his friends houses, spending the night. And sweet friends came alongside and just said, he's welcome to stay here as long as he needs to. And so he did not get it. But our other three kids all got it. And it's just worth I mean, yes, the wedge keeps going because the year I mean, we've all this is our story.

Every person has this story where it the layering of what's happening. If we're not accounting for it, then the drifts going to keep going, you know? But the sovereignty and Providence of that, of the gifts that just go, I would have never seen that one coming.

Ford got to go invest time staying at all. You know, these people came around us. We're new to the city and this this new school community came around us and it deepened our relationships with them. And certainly Ford's relationships with him where, wow, God just deep dived our relationships in a new place. So you're seeing God in the midst of the struggle. You're still seeing his hand, his providence, his love for you guys. No doubt. But yet at home, we're still feeling the reality.

Yeah, the way the wedge. And I think it was just, you know, one thing after another was kind of without us realizing it, pushing that gap a little bigger. My dad, he's 85 and he had COVID and that was super scary. We're so thankful that he he is OK.

He made it. And I know that's not everybody's story. Let me ask you, in the midst of this, like you're as we said, you can drift apart. Were you resentful or had any expectations of one another during that time? Because I know that can happen. She's asking because we would have been there.

I mean, I think for sure. I mean, there were times when, you know, leading family life was demanding a lot of time and energy from David. And I was I mean, you were amazing when my parents were there and my dad was really sick and very available. But, you know, that was a lot. And my mom and I were trying to care for my dad and yet keep the other kids quarantined from us because we didn't have it.

The currents got so strong. I remember the day I watched my bride check in her dad into the hospital here in Orlando, not his hometown. And, you know, her coming home wondering, is them coming to visit us and watch some kids sports? The thing that am I going to live with this? You know, and it might take his life.

And I just the weight of that. Certainly you just start functioning and you go into a little bit of survival mode. But then when you have those moments where you go, OK, now, how how are we really doing? We're surviving. How are we doing in this? We really did have to come to terms with this. This is strongly affecting the way we're disclosing or not disclosing things to one another. And we were starting to make some choices of we just got to keep it going.

You know, don't we don't have time to go to the places that usually cultivate intimacy, which is a scary decision to make. You know that that risk in time of how long do you let that go? And I feel like the Lord in his kindness to all of us, it's like you don't let that go long.

Yeah. The longer you let it go, the harder it gets. And we kind of had to get up on the sand and take several days away to go. OK, we've let it go too long. And that's what happened to us is that we really did that resentment or just kind of we don't have time for that. And so the distance grows. We had to get away for multiple nights to go.

Let's really talk about this. Let's dig into what's keeping us from moving toward one another. And how did you know that you needed to get away?

I mean, what was it that said, OK, it's time. We can't keep going. We got to get away.

I mean, one would be we're just functioning. And I felt like, OK, we're spending time with the Lord and we're kind of spending time with each other. But it's just a functioning keep the plate spinning. And sometimes you got to you got to get away and let the plates fall for three days. God's got them, you know, and get reconnected to one another.

We needed that. I just saw we're just keeping plates spinning and we're not getting life outside of ourselves. It's that intentional conversation of looking at one another and saying, tell me how you're really doing. And I think that we can just go through the grind of life without really touching base of saying, tell me how you how you are. And I would add some people are probably wired a little bit like me, which is I don't have that conversation.

I know she wants to have it. And I sort of want to avoid it because I know we're not doing well. And again, I don't know if anybody's like that. I'm better now. Right. Yeah, you're a lot better.

But for decades in my marriage, it's like, no, I don't want she'd start that conversation. Let's talk about us and like, no, because I know we're not doing good and I know you think we're doing worse than I think we're doing. And you thought, let's try. Yeah. And I just thought if we just pretend we're great, we're great.

And what a stupid, you know, naive perspective. We need to talk about this. And you can't do it in the middle of the chaos. I think a lot of couples are in the water and they're thinking, yeah, we've drifted, but maybe we'll just float back. And you guys, it doesn't happen, does it? Nothing in life is going to naturally float you back together.

The drifts are too strong. And I think what's interesting is that I'm typically like Ann and want to talk things out. And I found myself feeling I think that was a huge red flag for me is that I was not wanting to open up like I normally would.

And why is that? I don't know. I mean, I didn't know at the time. I mean, I think what I realized as we got away and spent some time going there and talking and really focusing on what what is this wedge? I think I had become careful, too careful. I knew that David was carrying a lot and we both had a lot on us.

You know, things with the family and things with family life work. And I didn't want to put one more thing on him. And I'd kind of started that trend. And then, you know, when you go for a while and you're not letting someone in, it's hard to take that step over that gap. You know, bust open through the door and just see what happens a little bit. But I remember in the same way the times you would share. I needed to hear this strongly from you. I remember one night you go, I feel like I'm giving you a flower of my heart and you listen to it and then you put it on the bedside table and don't ever revisit it. And it was an important thing for you to share with me of, OK, when I even try to bring it to you, we talk about it. You're attentive to this flower when we're having this eye to eye moment. But then you put it over there on the bedside table for it to wither over there.

And I needed to hear it. And that is one of those things that made us plan four months out. Like we were looking at the calendar. When could we ever get away, you know, and just go, all right, you mark it out. We don't wait to try to fix it on that one time away is not going to fix everything. But it was all right, let's do whatever we can to mark it out so that we can get away.

And in the meantime, how do we chip away at addressing what's here? We didn't do it perfectly. We needed some outside help. We sought it out from some mentors. We invited people in. And I think that's the thing I would encourage is invite others. And when you're going off by yourself, when there is kind of this strong wedge, like sometimes it actually won't help at all.

And the wedge could grow stronger. Invite some mentors in or counselors or go to a getaway, like get some outside input in that space. Talk to the couple that the one spouse is saying, yes, yes, we've drifted.

I want this, but my spouse doesn't see it. They think that we're fine. How would you encourage them? What would you say? I mean, the first thing that comes to my mind is pray a lot.

Pray that God will soften your spouse's heart. And I think the other thing is just to be willing to be honest and try to have that conversation just like, hey, would you be willing to do this? Because this is something I feel like I need rather than saying, hey, I feel like you're distant from me. You need this because I think that's probably a lot of how our conversation started is just being honest and saying, OK, we we can't wait until we can get away.

What does this look like between now and then? Let's have some conversations. But I think there are a lot of people that probably feel that way.

And that's a great question. And you just I think the key would be own what you can own. I think so often we look at the other person and go, we need to do this because you like blank. And you go, OK, I mean, Meg said it.

It's worth reiterating of what do you need? And if you can express that this is what you need and not saying I'm bringing you so that you can hear it. But like, you know, we can remember that's what we say every Friday night, like when something shared from on stage or in the workbook that you think is great for someone else.

Don't nudge the elbow. You know, it's it's for you and you focus on you and see what God wants to do to draw you together. And I think that's where you start. Also, it's a hard place. So pray, intercede, but then also go, I need this.

Would you join me? So when you get away, what happened? I would say God met us significantly and we needed him to.

And he's so faithful. And I think whether it's, you know, Meg's already referred to let's be less careful. I think that was a big takeaway for us. Let's be a little less careful. Also, careful in how you approach it in terms of not not accusing, not pointing fingers, but careful in speaking the truth in a loving way. Is that what you mean?

I think yes. But I think also I was being too careful. I was trying to make the decision whether David could handle where I was emotionally or what I was needing.

Got enough on his right thinking you were holding it on him. So I was kind of trying to deal with it myself and with the Lord. And certainly God was meeting me in those places. But I realized we're missing a lot because he doesn't know necessarily your heart or what I'm dealing with or how sad or scared I really was when my dad was in the hospital. And then I also feel like God medicine. Each one of us kind of had these moments of here's who we are when we are depending upon Jesus and living out how he's wired us day to day.

Wow. We're not there individually. We're not there and together. And he kind of just lifted our eyes to go almost draw a picture of what you currently are day to day.

And I drew this picture of this guy carrying the world on my back. I don't I'm not thinking that every day. I'm not feeling like that's what I'm living out. But instead, you know, I'm a joyful person. I love bringing life and you know, like that's not what the visual of what my day to day was and to be able to call out in one another. This is who you are.

Yeah. This is who God's made you to be. This is who you are in Jesus. And when you're depending upon him and whoa, that's not what we're living out day to day. You can't manufacture it back, but you can lift your eyes to what attracted you initially, what God is shaping in each one of our lives. And it kind of gave us that moment of let's trust the Lord together to call each other up and back to who we really are when we're experiencing life in Jesus.

You know, as I listen to you, I think it's really important to make this point. I think a lot of couples do what you did during that isolation and they never come back. They end up that becomes their life. She pours herself into the kids or her friends or whatever he does. And because you don't check in three months, six months ever, you get to a place where this is just our life. You survive. You feel like this is our marriage. It's OK. You feel like you're in different beaches after a while. And then when the kids leave, you often see that couple.

We don't have anything. And they never I mean, what you're modeling, I'm saying to a couple listening, you've got a market on your calendar. And even when you said four months from now, I'm thinking you put four months out.

That's ridiculous. But you had to because that's the world you were living in and you did it even four months. A couple could be listening and say, we can't do this for six months. OK, then get it on a calendar and do it. If it's a weekend to remember or going to a hotel and just getting away and having this conversation, you're going to drift to a place you never wanted to get to unless you intentionally say this stops now, this stops now. And maybe you can get together next weekend. I don't know.

But you can do it. I'm thinking even a weekly check in of just of just saying, how are you this week? I think that's really important. And we we have survived some really tough times because first we're checking in with Jesus like, Lord, I'm speaking the truth.

Here's where I am, Lord, because he's always there. But then checking in with one another. Those are the things that bring oneness and intimacy. It's one of those conversations I don't want to have. It's the most important conversation I have to have.

And here we are today because of it. For so many of us, marriage maintenance is one of those things that gets moved to the back burner regularly. It's one of those important but not urgent things. And so as a result, we just kind of keep putting it off, whether it's the weekly check in that David and we're just talking about, or whether it's something big like a weekend getaway going to one of our weekend to remember marriage getaways. I've talked to so many couples through the years who have said, oh, yeah, we've talked about going to those.

We've just never done it. And that's because, as I said, it's easy to put that on the back burner and go, well, it's not critical. The problem is, by the time it becomes critical, there are bigger issues at work. Taking care of your marriage is one of those things that needs to be a priority. And one of the ways you make it a priority is by deciding now that you're going to take a weekend this spring and go to a weekend to remember marriage getaway.

We've got about, I don't know, three or four dozen of these events happening in cities across the country this spring. If you sign up today or any time over the next two weeks, you and your spouse can save 50 percent off the regular registration fee. This is our early bird special that we make to Family Life Today listeners. You be intentional about planning a weekend away and you can save 50 percent off the registration fee. And by the way, the weekend to remember comes with a complete money back guarantee. If you do not feel like the weekend met your expectations, you can call when it's over and ask for your money back and we'll give it back to you with no questions asked. So you really can't lose.

The only way you can lose is by not taking good care of your marriage. Find out more about the weekend to remember. Go to our website, familylifetoday.com. There's a link there that will give you all of the information about when and where getaways are being held in cities all across the country. You can register online or you can register by calling 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, the website familylifetoday.com. Look for the information about the weekend to remember getaway or call 1-800-358-6329. That's 1-800-F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today.

Just be intentional. Plan. Get away together as a couple and invest in your most important human relationship, your relationship with one another in your marriage. And we hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship together in your local church this weekend. I hope you can join us on Monday when we're going to talk about what you do when it feels like all of the love, the passion, the joy of a relationship has faded and you're just kind of roommates and it's blah and you're not really happy.

What do you do to bring new life and new joy to a relationship that has gone flat? Kevin and Marsha Myers join us to talk about that Monday. Hope you can be with us for that as well. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Bob Lapine. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life, a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.