Adult Stepfamilies

So we haven't talked about this too much, but your mom and dad got divorced when you were 7.

Yep. And then your dad was remarried when you were 13. What was that like when your dad told you that he was going to get remarried? Well, he didn't tell me. What?

Yeah, I just sort of found out. I don't ever remember a conversation. My mom told me, Hey, dad's getting remarried. You know, I live with my mom, so I wasn't living with my dad, but I was shocked. Did you have any sense of like this is betrayal or hope that your parents would get together? Yeah, I mean, I always thought they're going to get back together.

It was just my belief. But that announcement, when she told me that, I knew that dream was over. I'm Ann Wilson.

And I'm Dave Wilson. And you can find us at familylifetoday.com or on our Family Life app. This is Family Life Today. My mom told me, Hey, dad's getting remarried.

I knew that dream was over and it's going to be a whole new life. And I think a lot of families experience that blended families. And so today we get to hear a story similar from our Family Life blended podcast with Ron Deal, the president of our blended ministry here at Family Life, where he interviews Terry and Carol Moss about blending a family with adult kids. Oh, it's kind of fun because Carol has her daughter on the podcast and Terry has his son on the podcast. And so we get to hear from the adult kids of how this couple came together. Terry, Carol, let me just set the scene a little bit as we jump into our conversation. You guys at this point have been married for 14 lovely, blessed years.

Wonderful years. Carol, you had three children when you married Shondell, Kevin, and Nina, who was 16. Nina's with us today. Terry, you had two children, Terrence and Brandon, who was 25. Brandon's with us in our conversation today.

We're going to hear from him in just a minute. Part of the reason we're having this conversation today, the way we're having it is because, as I've said on this podcast so many times and in so many of the books and things that we've produced to help families, there's often a different experience between where the adults are and where the kids are. And the adults are excited and anticipating the new family and what's to come. And kids are feeling something different than that. So there's just a lot of question marks and unknowns and some fear wrapped up in that. And the gap between adults and kids means you got to work hard to try to bridge that gap. And in some ways, what we're doing today is reflecting back on that journey for you guys and perhaps wondering where you are now and who knows, maybe there's still a few gaps, but the gaps are smaller and fewer of them. But I hope the listener is going to take away from our conversation today.

I need to figure out how to bridge these conversations with our children, no matter what their age, so that we can move toward each other in that process. Okay, so we'll come back and get more from Nina in a little bit. Nina, you had two older biological brothers, and then when mom married Terry, you got two more older stepbrothers. Yeah.

Right? And Brandon's one of them. Brandon, you were 25-ish when you found out. And do you remember how you felt leading into the wedding, the announcement, shortly coming out of it? What were the big emotions there? I wasn't afraid of anything. I was more hurt.

Like, what? What happened here? What's going on? So we lived far apart from each other. I think you were still in Illinois at the time. I was in Maryland. I was still trying to process the end of the first marriage, right? So I wasn't a part of the dating and the relationship and any of that stuff. And I don't remember every little detail, but all I remember is when dad was ready to announce that they were going to get married, in classic Moss fashion, it's got to be an event.

It's got to be an experience. And so he brought Carol to town. And my dad's sister, my Aunt Janie and Uncle Brooks, they live in Southern Maryland.

I live in Maryland. And so we all went down there. It's like, oh, great.

We're going to have a little family time. He may have said there was someone else coming, but I wasn't expecting Carol. I wasn't expecting a marriage. I was just, okay, someone. None of that was on your radar.

None of them are. So we sit down and it's like, oh, hi, random person I've never met. Don't know who you are. And she was perfectly lovely, but I just don't know what's happening. So then it's like, well, I'm sitting there and I remember holding my wife's hand and we're sitting there and the announcement comes and it was like, Brandon, Jessica, we're getting married. I was like, who is we?

I'm already married at this point. I'm looking around the room like, I don't know. What are you talking about?

Oh, no, it's so you two. And what's your name again? So I again, I don't know how many of these details are exactly accurate, but this is the feeling I remember very strongly. For me, it was like, I don't know what's happening.

I don't know what to do with this. I don't know how to kind of connect with this new family that's here. And you know, I think one good thing is, and we'll give credit to dad with that, is when he started feeling like there was some separation and that we wasn't gelling and that the boys on his side, TJ and Brandon, may be feeling a certain kind of way. And what dad did was he, like he do, like Brandon said, an event, he brought everyone together. So dad called the boys to our home in Illinois and we spent a weekend together in which therefore you are able to sit and express how you are truly feeling and about Carol, this marriage and the whole gamut. How do you feel? Let's be honest right now. So dad did that from the very beginning of bringing everybody together.

Yeah. And that that conversation was primarily had with me and TJ and Brandon, because that was more, I needed to understand where they were because I start feeling the distance in our relationship. And then that's when I said, OK, I'm going to pay for both of you to come to Illinois, one from Maryland and then one from California. And they came. It was a Fourth of July weekend and they arrived on that Friday.

Fourth of July was Saturday and it was raining all day. So it was perfect day for us to just sit and talk. I think we started at nine o'clock in the morning and I think we finished up. We had a break in between there for lunch and we all ate lunch together. Everybody, the whole family laughed, laughed, laughed.

And then we came back in after lunch, the three of us, and just had continued conversation until about four thirty that evening. And what I think is important, too, as a stepmother was to give them their time. Take me out of it because it's not about me.

I want him to have that relationship with his boys. And it's about them validating the feelings I think is very important. So remove myself out. Carol, you know, there are stepmoms listening right now going, no, no, no, no, I have to be in the middle of all of that. I have to be there to represent me.

Nobody speaks well and nobody really knows. Even my husband doesn't really understand what I'm feeling in the midst of this whole family dynamic. What would you say to somebody who makes that objection? I would say to give them their time. It's not about you at this moment. It's about them. And they've had a relationship the whole boys lives, their whole lives, their dad, and they're feeling a loss. And I knew that in order for this for us to blend successfully, it's that they have to establish their relationships and they have to and they have to be able to validate their feelings and express themselves. So let them have dad. He's my husband now.

So I have him prayerfully for the rest of my life. So let me take me out of it. And that's the whole thing. Take yourself out of it.

And it's not about you. Give them their time. And that's how I thought. I thought, give them the time to be gentle. And I appreciated it, too. And if I could just share a little bit of that conversation, I think part of this might help listeners as well.

But if not, you can take it out. But one of the things that was an eye opener for me, because, again, the purpose of bringing them to that conversation in that moment was to try to understand how were you feeling and what's going on and why do I feel like distance is becoming a part of us. So we had started the conversation.

I told him, hey, it's just us, three of us. And be honest. Speak whatever your mind. Don't feel like, well, I can't say this because you're my dad.

No, whatever. Just say it. And so it started off and TJ, the older, you know, I'm going to speak because, you know, we've been talking about this and I'm going to tell you what we're thinking. And so he started off with our problem isn't because you and mom got a divorce. He said, I live with you. I understand that. So I thought, OK. And secondly, he said, is not that you marry Carol. She seems like a very lovely woman. You seem to be happy.

I'm fine. So now I'm really in my mind thinking, wait, if it's not that it's not this, then what is it? I never forget this third thing. And TJ said on behalf of TJ and Brandon, and so Brandon actually alluded to it earlier in this conversation, and he said, it's not that and not that. It's the fact that you have moved on with your life, your new family and everything, your new life.

And we feel like you left us behind. That was like a whoo. And having those conversations, I had to be prepared for whatever the answer was. And so when I heard that, it was revealing.

I had to swallow. But then I also said to them, thank you for sharing that. I had no idea you felt that way. And then I gave him my reasons why I wouldn't.

Your distance, your growing, your own life. I didn't know that would be how you would feel. And I wanted Brandon and TJ to understand that from me as well as the step mom is that I'm not taking you away from them. I want to be a part of. And so that's how I wanted to present myself is that I'm I know that that's your father.

And I know that how you guys feel. I don't want you to feel like I'm taking him away. I just want to be a part of. So my whole thought was I'm coming alongside. I'm not the head.

I'm not taking him. I'm not trying to control any of that. I just want you to see the true me, the true heart that I have. And I want to just be a part of. So we're listening to a clip from our family life blended podcast with Ron Deal interviewing Terry and Carol Moss about blending their family with adult children. I tell you, I love Carol's heart there.

Yeah, me too. You know that she's expressing. And I also know when my dad remarried, I know how hard it is for the kids. You know, even though my step mom, Beata, had the same heart, she didn't want to take my dad away. But being the son, you just felt even though she didn't want to, it felt like she was. You know, so we need to hear the rest of the story and especially from the kids. What did they feel?

And it's interesting, too, because little teaser. Why weren't the kids at the wedding? That's a great question. Let's find out why. So, Nina, do you want to ask that question?

A Brandon now? What was I going to ask? OK, because I'm thinking of actual specific wedding day. You guys not actually being there at the physical wedding. So let me let me get the situation right. When Terry and Carol got married, Brandon and his wife were not able to be there or Brandon and TJ?

Brandon and TJ were not there. OK, so go ahead, Nina. I mean, did you guys feel was that an option that you didn't want to attend or you had the option and you chose not to?

Because I mean, again, I was younger, so I don't know. Well, yeah, it wasn't really anything too deep. I think going back to the initial story of the introduction, it was like happening like the next week or something like we didn't really like it was like, hey, this is Carol. Hey, we're getting married. Hey, it's happening in like a month. Hey, we're going to be it's a destination wedding.

Do you want to come? Yeah. OK, like I'm still back at are you guys reconciling?

You need to give me way more runway than this. And so and then it was and then it just came down to logistics. Like, you know, I have a wife, I have a I don't know if I had a kid at that point, but we were like, OK, OK, we're going we're going to Hawaii for how long to do what? Like, wait, what's happening?

And and we just weren't really in a place to to do that that quickly. Nina, it sounds like you were wondering what that meant to them. Yeah. And you were kind of wondering what if that made a statement about them and their approval of the marriage or I've just always wondered. Right. And here's my question back to you about that, because that, again, is a very legitimate question. You were there. Right.

Why aren't they there? What does this mean? Not knowing probably left some sort of doubt in your heart and mind. And I'm wondering how that, if at all, impacted your developing relationship with your now two stepbrothers, even if it was just in your head.

How did that make a difference? Not necessarily. I think that question more so is based off of how I think I would have felt at that time if I was in their shoes. But again, like Brandon said, logistics, timing and everything. And if I can honestly say we didn't know each other that well, we all hadn't really come together as a family.

And oh, these are your two stepbrothers now. Everybody love each other. It was never one of those coming to Jesus moments. So I've just I've just always wondered what was your guys's perspective or your personal perspective on the situation? You know, at the front of this conversation, we kind of wondered if it would serve you well to reflect back on the family journey.

I mean, I see the value in this because here's this little question mark that's been hanging over her head for 14 years. Just wondering, so what's the back story? How come they didn't come to the wedding? What does that mean? What were the implications of that? How did that impact their relationship with Terry and Carol, with us?

Who knows? And just a simple question and a conversation and dialogue around this family journey just kind of opens that up. And all of a sudden everybody gets a little bit of information they didn't have before. And now you know what it means and what it doesn't mean.

And sometimes I think that is a really important thing for blended families. There's a good takeaway. When you find out what it doesn't mean, it helps because when you have confusion and ambiguity, your mind can go in a thousand directions and 999 of them are negative. And when you now realize, oh, it's not that, it was this, I don't have to make anything of that anymore. I don't have to worry about that anymore. That little piece of anxiety is now removed and it frees you up to move in a more positive direction.

Okay, we're going to close with this. One of the things I know for adults to families that is kind of this convergence of reality, this is a family and we got to figure this out is special days and holidays, birthdays or Christmas time or Thanksgiving. You have this merger of traditions and expectations and all of that seems to rise on those really big important special days that happen throughout the year.

What's a good takeaway to share with our listeners about trying to navigate that from your point of view? It's important and was important for me to understand what were the expected traditions around certain holidays. And then not disrupt that, but try to come alongside and be part of that. Where also then looking for opportunities that may bring in something that may be important tradition for me and how we can make that an us tradition. So it's just really being mindful of and being intentional and not upsetting the apple cart and making everything has got to be my way or it's got to be all your way. And I don't feel like my traditions are important or nobody cares about what I feel, what I think.

Instead of that kind of animosity developing, just find ways to try to integrate and cooperate and then come up with something that may be even a new tradition. For me, I want the boys to know that that he's always going to be their dad and that I didn't expect to come in and take him away. So if I'm seen as an addition, that he's just not mine, he is ours. And I want them to know that I'm here to walk alongside of him. So like we said before, it's our kids and it's our children and we love them.

I love them equally. And so I want to be seen as an addition, not as taking him away from them. And then are they welcome to come home for holiday? They welcome. Oh, they know I love and love the grand boys and just I don't want this looked at as if it's chaos or, you know, something that makes them nervous. Because I know that when Brandon first baptized one of the boys and we finally all came together as a family and his mom was there and I was there and the other grand moms. I just know that that was just the beginning of nervousness as us coming together as a family. And so I just remember that Brandon and so and how you felt with this new person coming in. So I just want to come in as an addition and validate their feelings. They're feeling that's very important.

And this has to grow organically, not forcefully. Mom, you just took the words out of my mouth, just allowing things to happen organically and to where things don't feel forced at all. And just knowing having the love for my mother and knowing that her feelings and her emotions are being nurtured the way that they should be, the way that she would like them to be was was everything.

And especially with my dad coming into a relationship or a marriage with a disabled child and never really having to had dealt with that before that. That was something I know I personally appreciate it because my brother meant the world to me. So it was just like, who is this person going to come in?

And Shondell looked at him as well, like, oh, dad or mom. I love those moments. So just being able to to nurture everyone's personal feelings and allow it to happen organically was what I appreciated the most. So we've been listening to our Family Life Blended podcast with Ron Deal interviewing Terry and Carol about their blended family, and I tell you what, that's a great ending. Yeah, I think these stories are so encouraging because it just shows us the power of conversation and really conveying and expressing what we feel because so often in families, especially in families that are blended, maybe that you're feeling a lot or there's a lot of emotion involved. And that that's happening in every family, not just blended. But to have those conversations of saying what we feel, what we hope and what we love, I think that's really nurturing for our relationships and for our souls. And I think it's hopeful as you listen to this, you hear the pain, you hear the struggle, you hear the hurt. And yet at the end, you also hear God shows up and God heals.

Yeah, so good. With all of the joy and emotion that surrounds a marriage and to becoming one, we can sometimes lose sight of the fact that especially in a blended marriage, there are going to be some unique challenges. And we've heard about that today from the Mosses and from their adult children. One of the things we're committed to here at Family Life is providing practical help for people who are in blended relationships for whatever reason. We do that through resources like the podcast that you've heard. If you're not subscribed to the Family Life Blended podcast, that's a great resource to be subscribed to. You can find that wherever podcasts are available and then mark your calendar now for Saturday, April 2nd. For our blended and blessed one day event that is both a live event in Houston, Texas, or a live stream event that you can tune into and participate in all around the country, all around the world.

In fact, it's going to be available both in English and in Spanish in the live stream. This is, as I said, a one day event designed to equip and encourage and to cheer on couples who are in a blended marriage, who have a step family and who want to see their marriage and their family thrive and succeed. You can find out more about the one day blended and blessed event.

Again, the day is Saturday, April 2nd. There's information about this event on our website at familylifetoday.com, so go there and check it out. You can start registering for the event now. And if you'd like to do this as a group event in your local church, again, there's information available there about how you can host the simulcast in your local church.

If you live in Houston, plan to join us that day, Saturday, April 2nd at Houston's first for the blended and blessed one day conference that's coming up this spring. Quickly, let me again say a word of thanks to those of you who are regular listeners to Family Life Today and who over the last couple of weeks rallied and called us or went online and made a year in contribution to support the ongoing work of Family Life Today. Our team is busy tallying all of the numbers to see if we did, in fact, meet the matching gift that had been made available to us.

And we're hopeful and encouraged by what we've seen so far. So thank you again for your support of Family Life Today and not just a year in, but throughout the year. You guys are so generous and so kind. And we know that the reason is because you believe in the importance of marriage and God's design for marriage. You believe in the power of family and we do as well.

So thank you for helping us advance our work in the year ahead. On behalf of the millions of marriages and families that will be impacted in 2022, we just want to say thank you for helping to make that happen with your year end gift. And we hope you can join us tomorrow when we're going to talk about what happens in every marriage. This happens without fail. Marriages drift away from oneness and toward isolation. So what do we do when that happens and what can we do to help keep that from happening? David and Meg Robbins join Dave and Ann Wilson tomorrow to talk about that. Hope you can be with us for that. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Bob Lapine. We'll see you back tomorrow for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life, a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.