Abortion/ Adoption: Wanted

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This is really such a great opportunity. So go to familylife.com. It was a cold October night and the truth came out. The words that my mom ended up speaking, she said, Missy, your biological mother had an abortion during her pregnancy with you and you survived it. The world stopped in that moment of time. What did you feel? Everything. Anger. Resentment.

Incredible sadness. Music Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson.

And I'm Dave Wilson. And you can find us at familylifetoday.com or on our Family Life app. This is Family Life Today. Music Today, we have a miracle story. We've already been interviewing Melissa Odin and we've been hearing her story that she survived an abortion. And it's not a story that you hear every day. And so if you haven't heard, go back, but we'll fill you in a little bit. Yeah, she's written a book about it called You Carried Me.

Melissa. It's your memoir. So great to have you back.

Yeah, we're excited to have you back. Thank you. Yeah, that's always an awkward question when people say you're a published author.

What do you write about? Yeah. My story. And they kind of go, oh.

Like, are you a narcissist? Right. And I just kind of go, well, you kind of have to read the book to really understand.

Yeah. Well, I mean, we've already talked about this incredible story, how your mom was told by your grandmother to abort you. You survived the abortion. And by the way, how many people survive abortions? Statistically, there's no clear numbers, because as you can imagine, this is not a super popular statistic to report out. But I think people also need to know, we don't even have an accurate number of abortions performed on an annual basis. There are certain states like California who don't even report out the number of abortions. And then when you do see the number of reported abortions, that doesn't include chemical abortions. And trust me, those numbers are skyrocketing.

You don't even want to know. That's a whole other conversation that we can have. So, you know, even abortion numbers are underreported. But even back in the early 1980s, Dr. Willard Cates, who was the head of abortion surveillance for the Centers for Disease Control, came out and said in a watershed article called the dreaded complication that they estimated through the CDC 400 to 500 live births a year after failed abortions. Oh, really? I've done the math for you.

Yeah. And for 48 years, you get close to 18,000 people like me who survived failed abortions. Now, we live in a world that wants to say, oh, well, you know, people like Melissa don't come into the world anymore because we learned back then in the 1970s and 80s that this was happening too frequently.

This is why the abortion procedure I survived isn't done routinely anymore, because it didn't have as effective rate as they wanted. Melissa, like that is staggering to me. Those numbers are staggering.

I've never even heard that before. And so I'm just like, wait, are these people talking? Are they speaking up? Do they tell their story? You're brave enough to tell your story. But I'm thinking that most people have not had the courage to share their stories.

Well, and many people don't even know their story, to be perfectly honest. A lot of families keep it a secret wanting to protect that survivor. I have an organization called the Abortion Survivors Network, and we heal and empower and equip survivors and families who experienced failed abortions, knowing that whether somebody ever shares their story publicly or not, they deserve to be supported. They deserve to know they're not alone. So in our work, we've now connected with over 400 abortion survivors.

Our survivors range in age from infants. So we have babies where we are in communication with their families to support them, because families wrestle with these questions of what do we tell them? When do we tell them?

How do we tell them? I was talking to a mom earlier this week at another event, and I knew of her, but I got to hug her for the first time. Her son is four after her abortion failed to end his life. And I got to say to her, your life matters. His life matters. And we're here for you when you have the hard days where he's struggling with something, right? Maybe he gets sick.

He has a cold. Those moms automatically start to go to the place where they say, did that decision I made all those years ago to have that abortion? Is that that? Did this have an impact? So I got to hug her and say, you know what, on the days that are hard, we're here for you. And as he grows up and he grapples with his identity and who God created him to be and how this world and an abortion impacted that identity, we're going to be here for him, too. Well, it's amazing what you're doing now. Take us back, because where we left off yesterday was you're not even named Melissa yet. You're still in the hospital. The nurses are caring for you, loving you, but you haven't been adopted at this point. So tell us what happened next. Yeah, because I feel like we want to hear this as we're talking about identity and these people that are suffering because like who they're asking the question, who am I? And you struggled with that. So take us back to how did you become adopted?

Yeah. Who am I? I am Ron and Linda's daughter, my adoptive parents. My mom and dad first met me when I was still in a NICU full of tubes and wires.

I was still fighting for my life in many ways. And my parents often say the moment they laid eyes on me, they fell radically in love with me. My mom thought I was the most beautiful baby she'd ever seen.

You can see the pictures, okay? I was not the prettiest baby they'd ever seen. Bless them. In their eyes I was. I mean, they saw, they saw who God made me to be. Didn't your mom see you?

And she looked you in the eyes and she said, you are mine. Yeah. And gosh, I'm 44 and that makes me emotional. We all want to be wanted.

We do. Why does that make you feel emotional? Because that is, that is that just deep yearning we all have is to be that deeply loved. And honestly, my parents did such a phenomenal job of raising me with unconditional love. Man, even when I was being just the most difficult teenager I ever could have been. You know, when my mom looks back on it, she goes, oh, miss, you weren't bad. Oh, but mom, I was. I mean, I know I was.

But you know what? She loved me so well in the midst of that, that it almost blunted her being able to see that. You know, that's how much they loved me. So I went home to my mom and dad. Which is amazing that they adopted you because they still didn't probably know if there would be any side effects or you have all these tubes in you. It took a while for you to be able to come home. Right.

The doctor thought I would face any number of disabilities. And, you know, honestly, my parents didn't really have a penny to their name. There were farmers. They ended up losing their farm, not able to have their own children.

Right. My parents were foster parents initially struggled with infertility for over 15 years. So they adopted my older sister from the Department of Human Services adopted me. I was a you know, essentially a special needs adoption because of the prognosis about my life. And my parents didn't hesitate. They knew that they were called to be my parents. And so I grew up in a pretty normal home.

We went without a lot of things. You know, I knew compared to other people, my parents fought really hard to provide for us and give us what they did. What was their faith like? My parents were people of strong faith.

But, you know, it's really interesting for me. My parents are very quiet by and large. A lot of the people I'm surrounded by are quiet. I used to be quiet.

You are quiet. But I could have stayed quiet if if I really wouldn't have followed God. And so my parents are very faith filled people. Our little church growing up. I can't tell you what I had for dinner last night, but I can tell you who my first pastor was.

Even when I was just, you know, two, three years old. His name was Pastor Dale. You know, I can remember all the things we used to do at our church, the going swimming together, the picnics. That was the fabric of our lives. That was our community. That's really good for parents to hear, because I think so many are wondering right now, does church matter?

Can I just watch online? You know, isn't that enough? And you're saying, no, those are the things that was the foundation of my life and really necessary. Yeah, it gives me chills to even talk about it, because that's how important it was to our family and to my identity.

And so I was raised in, you know, that very faith filled home. And, you know, my parents very implicitly taught my sister and I and then ultimately my little brother. My brother came along after 15 years of infertility. He's a biological child. He was the odd man out. He's if he's listening. You're still a little bit the odd man today, buddy.

He'd tell you that having two sisters. But, you know, our parents raised us with the values not only about faith and love, but also about forgiveness. And I never really understood that until I found out the story of my survival. And then it all really made sense.

Yeah. How old were you? I was 14. So, you know, grew up knowing I was adopted. I look very different than my family.

It's it's OK. When did you first start thinking, like, who are my bio parents? Did you do you remember wondering? I think it was really my teenage years.

It really lends itself to that. Who am I? Where did I come from? Where am I going? Yeah.

Where does how does this all this fit together? And so some of that yearning really just existed, I think, in that space. But then when I was 14, my older sister faced an unplanned pregnancy. She hadn't graduated from high school yet. And, you know, our culture out in the world today would tell people that you have a choice to make.

You have a right that you can exercise. And so she grappled with what decision she was going to make about her pregnancy. And when our parents found out that she was considering every option, which we know is code word for other things, they told her the story of my survival.

It had been spoken about amongst adults in the family, but it had never worked its way down to us as children. And they told her my story, hoping that she would choose life for her son. And she did. Did you know the story before her?

I didn't. And before they could get to me with it, she started told you. Yeah, she didn't tell me everything. We were arguing one night. I mean, your parents, just like I am.

I know. Worst case scenario, she said to me, you know, at least my biological parents wanted me. No, I was thinking, uh, OK, we're raised on equal footing here. Yeah, we're equally loved.

We were equally placed for adoption. And so when I turned to say something back to her that night about what an absurd statement that was, the look on her face really was pain. And I thought, oh, this is not your ordinary argument. There's something deeper.

Yeah. And so the mood switched very quickly. And she asked me to sit our parents down and for them to tell me the rest of my story. And it was a cold October night. And I can't even tell you where my dad was that night.

I just think this is the way it was supposed to be. My mom got home from work late and we sat down and I was explaining the argument, really expecting to get in trouble. And then the truth came out, you know, the words that my mom ended up speaking. She said, Missy, your biological mother had an abortion during her pregnancy with you and you survived it. The world stopped in that moment of time.

What did you feel? Everything. Anger, resentment, incredible sadness, shame. The weight of the shame is because because we live in a world that says that what happened to me is just a simple right for someone to exercise. That it's a choice that people make. And it's, you know, over the last 30 years that I've known my story, it's just continued to snowball to the point that it's something that you fight for, that it's health care. You fill in the blank.

My life didn't matter. Yeah. That's what I felt.

Yeah. And of course, my parents didn't know all of the background to Ruth's story and what led to that abortion. And part of it is you have to go through that process and you have to wrestle with who God made you to be. And I think we all have to wrestle with that hard stuff of love and forgiveness, even in the midst of the most painful circumstances that happen in our lives. And so my wrestling started that night with the world and with myself and with God.

What did that look like? It looked like putting on a good face to the world. I am historically a people pleaser. I'll just own it, which is funny because I'm really not anymore. I mean, I care about serving people and loving them well, but I certainly have been transformed from that. But I didn't want to cause my parents any undue burden. I wanted to be the good girl. I was very responsible. I got straight A's. I participated in all my extracurricular activities. I was high achieving.

That's who I am. But that was also my cover. I am just sitting there imagining this 14 year old girl in her bed. Finding out that she was aborted and lived. And you said your world stopped and you said my life doesn't matter like to be alone in your bed. Wrestling with that.

And I honestly I think there's a lot of people that wrestle with that. My life doesn't matter. You feel like you're alone.

And even in your adoption, your sister was adopted, but still your story was so unique. And you were probably filled with incredible shame. Anger. Mm hmm. Guilt for surviving.

I mean, you name it. Guilt for being, quote unquote, perfectly healthy. You know, I don't suffer from disabilities as a result of that field abortion, which is a miraculous.

Yeah. I have some quirky little things about me, but there we have noticed the older we get, the workier we become. And so this 14 year old decides to cover it up, become the pleaser, become the good girl. And yet what was going on inside? I didn't want to be who God created me to be. I wanted to run away from the truth about my life.

I wanted to distance myself from all of the emotions that I felt and so developed an eating disorder trying to control something. And I think we all can relate to that. Yeah. You know, when when something has been outside of our control, we attempt to regain control. And it's always such a false sense of control, but we do it.

That's our fallen nature. Yeah. Developed an eating disorder, struggled with alcohol abuse. I engaged in so many unhealthy relationships, trying on all of those little pieces to see how they would make me feel better or make me blend in. Right.

I stuck out like a sore thumb. So you're running away from your pain through alcohol, through an eating disorder, through probably promiscuity. Absolutely. Never thinking about the fact that, you know, all of those things were putting me at more risk. And where was God in that situation, in that stage of your life? There.

But I, I wanted to run away from him because I felt so ashamed that you weren't worthy of God. Yeah. And the choices that I was making. And I think we go through that, don't we? Where even if we get through the first hurdle in life, then we engage in some of those poor coping mechanisms. Right. We sin and we go, oh, man, now he really isn't going to love me.

And he was still there. And, you know, I can't even tell you the first day that I looked up and went, all right, Lord, I'm so over this. Because it's like knocking your head against the brick wall and thinking maybe this time it's going to be different.

Maybe this time it's not going to hurt as much. But I can remember thinking he wants more for me than I want for myself. And that's an OK spot to begin. And I think, you know, that's a pretty big spot to be in to say, you know what? The Lord wants something for me that I can't even grasp for myself right now.

And at the age of 14. Right. You're kind of thinking, oh, I don't even know what this looks like at this point, but I want to feel better. And I always knew that God made me feel better. And so it was kind of one step at a time, one day at a time.

Right. For today, I'm going to try to do one thing better. I'm going to pray more. I'm going to turn to him. And for me, really, the biggest key that unlocked that door was forgiving my biological parents.

I can still remember I'd walk with my walk man back when that was a thing. You know, I go for these walks and I would be praying and going, Lord, help me to forgive them because I can't stay like this. I can't be angry.

I don't want to be resentful. OK, we got to go there next time because I don't know how old you are at this point. How old are you? Still young. I mean, 16 ish.

You're still a teenager. Well, I wanted Melissa to talk to those people. Our listeners that maybe are feeling that my life doesn't matter. I feel so lost and unseen. I'm alone. Or maybe their parents, their kids are expressing that.

Speak to them. Yeah, you are not alone. Whatever it is you're going through.

Trust me. I know how lonely every experience can feel, but there is always, first of all, somebody in the world who can understand you. They may not be exactly in your shoes, but you are definitely not alone. And certainly God never intends for any of us to feel alone. That is the weight of the world that wants to separate us, the enemy that whispers in our ear. And so just know that God is always near, no matter what it is that you've gone through.

Yeah, so beautiful. When you were sharing a story about feeling unwanted, I thought you survived an abortion and felt that. Obviously, I think we all feel it.

Yeah, me too. Even those who had loving parents who from the second we were born just enveloped us with love and said we are special. We still wrestle with, am I wanted? Am I seen?

Am I really special? As you were saying that, I went to what we all have read, Psalm 139, just to remind myself, For you formed my inward parts. You knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works. My soul knows it well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was being made in secret. Intricately woven in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed substance.

In your book were written every one of them. That came to me again to remind, that's you, that's me, that's every soul ever created by God is wanted, even though we don't feel like it. And there's a person listening right now that says, you don't know my story. I'm not wanted. Oh, yes, you are. You are precious. You know, it's so beautiful to hear you go through that journey because you were left as unwanted. And yet you're the spokesman for God's the one who doesn't abandon us.

He wants us, right? It's beautiful. The thing that I'll just finish with this, the thing that I thought as you were sharing was your mom seeing you the first time saying, you are mine. And God says that over us every single day. You are mine.

I love you. I was reminded today listening to Melissa Oden share her story about the power that shame and guilt and anger and bitterness can have over our lives. Unless we deal with those issues, unless we process that with God and with God's help, those emotions can control us and ultimately destroy us. But when we confront them in the power of the Holy Spirit, there's a breakthrough that happens. It's so important to get the help that you need and be able to press into many of the dark corners of your past.

Deal with those things. Melissa talks about her own journey in that direction in her book called You Carried Me, a daughter's memoir. We have her book available in our Family Life Today Resource Center. You can go online at FamilyLifeToday.com to get a copy or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Melissa's book again is called You Carried Me. Order your copy from us at FamilyLifeToday.com or call to order at 1-800-358-6329.

1-800-F as in Family, L as in Life, and then the word Today. Well, with Christmas coming this week, New Year's next week, this is a busy time of year for so many of us here at Family Life. One of the things we've been paying careful attention to is the number of Family Life Today listeners we're hearing from during the month of December. As many of you know, we've been talking this month about a matching gift that was made available to us. And we've been tracking every day saying, do you think we're going to be able to meet the matching gift? Do you think we'll be able to take full advantage of that? And we've been encouraged by the progress.

And then something happened recently that kind of moved everything up to a whole new level. We had some friends of the ministry come along and say, we want to really challenge Family Life Today listeners to get behind this ministry. What they said to us is, we feel what you're doing is so important. You need more available to you in the year ahead so you can do more ministry. So our matching gift fund has now moved from $1.5 million to $2.3 million, which means the next several days are going to be crucial for us here at Family Life. We need to hear from every Family Life Today listener who can possibly join us and make a year-end donation to support this ministry.

When you do, whatever amount you give is going to be matched, dollar for dollar, up to a total of $2.3 million. And when you do, we're going to send you as a thank you gift, a devotional that you can use in the new year from Dane Ortlund. 150 devotions from the book of Psalms. The devotional is called, In the Lord I Take Refuge. That's our gift to you when you donate today. It's easy to donate.

You can do it online at familylifetoday.com or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY. We do hope to hear from you and we hope you'll pray that we'll be able to take full advantage of this increased matching gift amount. So join us in praying for that, if you will. And be sure to be back with us again tomorrow when Dave and Anne Wilson will continue the conversation with Melissa Oden, talking about how vital it is that we don't allow our circumstances, our past to define us, to determine our identity. It's up to God to determine our identity.

And what he says about us is what we have to believe. We'll hear more about that tomorrow. Hope you can be with us for that. On behalf of our hosts Dave and Anne Wilson, I'm Bob Lapine. We'll see you next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life, a crew ministry, helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.