Help! I’m Living with a Bitter Person

Okay, one of my big theme ideas in 30 years of preaching had something to do with bitterness.

Oh yeah, memorable. Let's see if you even know, does the wife of the pastor listen to the pastor's sermons? Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson. And I'm Dave Wilson. And you can find us at familylifetoday.com or on our Family Life app. This is Family Life Today.

One of my big theme ideas in 30 years of preaching... Does it begin with the word pain? You can start with pain. Can make you... Will make you better or bitter. Yeah. Am I right? Yeah. Something like that. It's usually trials or adversity. Trials.

That's it. Depends what the theme is that week, but valleys, but really pain, trials, you have a choice. It's going to be a part of your life one way or another. Pain and trials will be a part of all of our lives. You can allow God to use it and you become better or you become bitter. And whenever I preach on that, and I've done it many times over the years, I'll ask the audience, do you know more bitter people or do you know more better people?

Guess what the answer always is? Bitter. More bitter. Yeah. That's interesting. Because people don't handle bitterness well.

And it could be the exact same trial. In one person, you're like, how are they better? And this person went through the same thing and you don't even want them to be near them. And they're mad at their spouse, they're mad at their life, they're mad at God. And so bitterness is a part of all of our lives. We've got Steve Viers back with us today. He wrote a book called Overcoming Bitterness.

Every person wants to overcome bitterness and actually get from hurt to a life filled with joy. Steve, welcome back. Glad to have you here. It's really been a privilege talking with you folks. Your insights on this topic, I mean, they're life changing. And it isn't like, oh, this is something some people deal with. We all, I told you before, when I was reading your book, I'm like, oh my goodness, I thought I was done with the bitterness of my life. And it rose up like, oh, there's triggers that still come to overcome it. So we got to keep talking about how do we get through it. One of the things I love about your book and I love about you as a pastor in Indiana, Faith Church, right?

Lafayette, Indiana, and you're married with three kids and four grandkids. So you know life and carrying all that as well. But you're a biblical, I think, scholar. I love the way you use the Word of God to say the answers are here, let's walk through. So I think it'd be fun today to walk through a story in Scripture that gives us a model of how do we overcome bitterness. And you know, I think the Word of God is so rich and so filled with hope. And don't you love the fact that one of the names that God chooses for himself in the Word of God is the God of hope. And so any of us who are struggling with bitterness a little or a lot today, we don't have to be hopeless people. And that's why, because we have a powerful Savior, we have a God of hope. And I really appreciated when you were talking, Dave, about your preaching ministry and how you would say that trials can either make you better or they can make you bitter. That's rich theology right there, because the world in which we live many times gives a suggestion that, well, you are a product of your circumstances and you have very little choice in the matter. So you're a passive victim of what other people have done to you. And because if you faced certain hardships in your life, you have to be a bitter individual. And Steve, I would add too, I've seen a lot of people walk away from their faith because they're mad at God. They're bitter at God as well.

Oh, absolutely. The more we understand a biblical anthropology or a biblical view of man, we're not dogs. We were made in the image of God. We're not animals.

So life is not determinative. So we're not passive victims. We're active worshipers. And the way we choose to respond to the difficulties of our life, that reveals the identity of our functional God. Are we really willing to trust Jesus Christ? Are we trusting in His resources, in His sovereignty, even when it's hard? And so it is true. It's true from cover to cover in the Word of God that it is possible to handle difficulties in a way that results in you becoming something other than bitter.

And what hope is there in all of that? And so one of the stories is the story of Naomi in the book of Ruth. And I love the fact that God's a storyteller and we all love a story.

We all love great stories. And a significant percentage of our Bibles is filled with narratives, with stories, which tells you our God loves us. And He wants us to understand that not in just a simple principle format. He wants us to taste what they tasted. He wants us to feel what they felt. Smell it. He wants absolutely to smell it.

He wants us to believe it. So Naomi's story, it starts in a very hard place because she and her husband and their two sons are facing a famine and they lived in Bethlehem, which in Hebrew means house of bread. So what an incredible metaphor there that there was a famine in Bethlehem. So their family decides to go to Moab. There's no commentary in the book of Ruth about whether that was a good decision on the part of the husband or a bad decision. They just went to the country of Moab and then the sons marry Moabitess women.

There again, no commentary about was that a good thing or a bad thing, but that's just what happened. And then the scripture says, and it's coming in rapid fire succession because all this happens in chapter one, that both Naomi's husband and both of her sons died. And you know, I realized that I might be talking to one of your listeners today and they know the pain of death. So I'm not just telling a story without thinking. I'm undoubtedly bringing up all sorts of hurt and memories for so many who have experienced death in all sorts of ways.

And so now you have Naomi, which I'm just going to say as a woman to lose both of your children and your husband, you are left desolate. Like this would be the lowest of lows that a person could be well, and especially in that culture. Exactly. Because you talk about being vulnerable.

You talk about being in a position of danger. That was it in that culture for sure. And what's interesting is Naomi, she was the Jewish woman. So she was the one of those who were left that should have been leading her daughters in law to some degree of faith. If anybody was going to be the godly person, you would have thought it was going to be Naomi, which was the point because regrettably what Naomi did, she says to her daughters in law, go back to your people.

And then eventually in chapter one is one of the most important phrases in the chapter and to your gods. She was saying as a Jewish woman, God has let me down. In fact, she eventually says that I left Bethlehem full and God's brought me back empty.

Jehovah, the God of Israel has let me down. Well, interestingly, one of the daughters in law, she went back to her people and to her gods, to the idols of Moab. But what is absolutely stunning and filled with hope is the remaining daughter-in-law Ruth says no. And she makes a statement next that sometimes it's used in weddings.

And I have to point out to the young couple, do you realize the spouse died here? I'm not sure this is really appropriate, but it is a beautiful statement where Ruth said, no, I'm going to stay by your side. Your people are going to be my people and your God is going to be my God. So she saw something in her father-in-law. She saw something in her husband or maybe even her brother-in-law that appeal or maybe even in Naomi, we don't know, but something gripped young Ruth, where she said, the God of heaven is the only God worthy of my trust. And even if that means I'm going to leave my people and my place, that's my God.

And that goes back to what we were saying. We're not passive victims, we're active worshipers. And that was an act of incredible worship on the part of this young Moabitess woman.

How do you do that? Because, you know, earlier you were talking about the phrase, God has let me down. I think we've all felt that at some point. It's a universal, and again, I can't say a hundred percent, but most of us at some point have felt that way and often we've never said it. We're afraid to say it, but it's like, God let me down. I really thought, and yet Ruth is like that God I'm going to worship.

Yeah. Ruth didn't have access to the level of truth that you and I do. We have the cross. We have the shed blood of Jesus Christ. Listen, a God who would send His only Son doesn't let me down.

You asked how. I think the more I fill my life with the gospel, the more I fill my life with the shed blood of Christ and His amazing grace, the less likely I'm going to be to let a particular trial on a particular day, even if it might be big, cause me to change my view of who this God is. If the only thing He ever did for me was the cross, that's far more than I deserve. And the older I get and the more I understand just my inherent sinfulness, Jesus is the one that I want to worship for sure. I want to be more like Ruth.

I want to have that kind of faith. And so Naomi says, listen, let's go back to Bethlehem. So now it's Naomi, the Jewish mother-in-law and her Moabitess daughter-in-law, and they go back to Bethlehem.

We're still on chapter one. And what's fascinating is what happens next, because as they walk into town, some of the women who would have known Naomi before, they said, hey, aren't you Naomi? You have to ask yourself, why wouldn't they have recognized her? Here's what I believe, and this is just conjecture only. I believe bitterness changes the way you look.

I think you can look at certain people over time. That's a bitter person. And there's no question because of what happens next. Naomi says, don't call me Naomi, call me Maro. In other words, the single word that defines my life the most is the word bitterness. It's become her identity.

Absolutely it's become her identity. Then she says, because God took me out of this country full and he brought me back empty. And we were talking about Esau in a previous program about how bitterness will make a liar out of you. Just think about what she said. God took me out full.

It was a famine. And then think about the other half. He brought me back empty. Who's right by her side? Ruth is like, hey, what about me?

No, that's exactly right. I wish, that's one of those, when you get to heaven, I want to have that conversation. And I want to know what Ruth was thinking at that moment. But she was so engulfed in her bitterness that she saw nothing but her pain. Yeah. And you know, the last thing I'm going to do is be Naomi's judge, right?

That's not where I want to be at all. But thankfully, the book does not end in chapter one, does it? Because then in chapter two, Naomi suggests that Ruth go out and glean. And Ruth, that's fascinating that Ruth has enough confidence in the Old Testament Scriptures that she actually does that. And then we know what happens, right? All of a sudden, Boaz comes, and what a beautiful picture of grace, what a beautiful picture of provision.

And you know, we don't know all the issues about weights and measurements in the Bible. But when you look at how much barley Boaz provided for Ruth, and what I love about Ruth, you remember that first day, Ruth has her lunch, and you can see it happening because she's been living through a famine, right? And all of a sudden, she has food, she eats her lunch. But then she wraps up the leftovers for Mama. She didn't become bitter. The Moabitess becomes a woman of faith.

She even wraps up the food for her mother-in-law. And she goes back and she tells Naomi what happens. And this is what I love about the story. I think Naomi's bitter heart started melting right then. So praise God, there's hope in this. It's not like I say, well, I'm a bitter person, and I'm going to die that way.

That is not true. A bitter person's heart can change. And so all of a sudden, Naomi is starting to see the provision of God. God's keeping His promises. God is being good to us.

God is providing for us. Of course, she comes up with this outlandish plan. Why don't you go down to the threshing floor? Naomi, how did we get from being a bitter woman who has no trust in God to the threshing floor and just believing in the process that God has placed in His Word to care for widows? And I've got to come back to this and say too, good for Ruth. Because here's Naomi, this bitter woman, it would have been so easy to walk away from her. It took time for Naomi's heart to begin to soften.

But Ruth continued to love her, to serve her, and to take her advice. Yeah. And I think there's a teaching point there because some of our listeners may say, listen, I have to live with a bitter person every day. So I'm constantly hearing the negativity. I'm constantly hearing the doubt.

I'm constantly hearing the disobedience to the Word of God. You can still be a Ruth. You can still be a sweet person. You can still exercise faith, even when you're surrounded by people who are bitter. Or your spouse. Oh, absolutely.

Absolutely. And what ends up happening, right? The threshing floor experiment turned out really good because God is a faithful God. And I love the way the book ends because God gives Boaz and Ruth a baby. And what's fascinating is, okay, whose lap was that baby on when that book was done? It's not Ruth's. It's mom-in-law. Yeah.

Right? Naomi is bound. In fact, the women say, God gave a baby to Naomi.

They're saying that. It's like, what, what, what? And then you read the punchline, just like the Bible so often does the punchline, when it gives the genealogy at the end and explains that that little baby was in the line of Christ. And so somebody who might say, well, maybe God didn't know what he was doing during the famine, or even maybe God didn't know what he was doing during. God doesn't know. God doesn't know. God doesn't know. Read the final pages of the book of Ruth. God knows exactly what he was doing.

And he designed that so that that baby would be in the line of David and would be in the line of Christ. And you see Naomi, she's not a bitter woman anymore. And we can all picture this happy grandma bouncing this little baby on her lap, rejoicing in the provision of her God. And what that means is a bitter person can become a joyful person as we grow in our faith in God and His provision. That is such a sweet story. It makes me cry of thinking of the transformation that happened in the most unlikely way, and through the greatest loss that anyone could experience, and yet God still comes through when we trust Him.

Amen. And I think maybe the lie sometimes we believe is, Naomi could get out of her bitterness because the circumstances became better. And that's what led her, but it's not always the case. You can get, the circumstances can never change or may not change or may not become hopeful. You can dig out of bitterness.

You can overcome and get to a life of joy. Whenever I preached that simple thought, trials make you better or bitter, I always said the choice is yours. We have a choice. And some people choose bitter, some choose better. The circumstances did not change, but there's a joy that fills our heart because of a choice they make, right?

Yeah. And the great thing is that if we're Christians, we're in Christ. So it's not a choice I have to make by my own strength, my own wisdom, my own power. In Christ, I can choose to do and think and believe and want what He desires in the moment. And so there's a power inside of me because of who I am in Christ that helps me choose well. And I do think, tell me if I'm right or wrong, you know, when you're Naomi, when you're living in bitterness, the voices you're listening to are critical. You need roots in your life. You need to choose them and push away the other bitter. The people are saying, yeah, you should be into, you got to stop listening to those voices because they're going to influence where you end up. Well, and this is a hard thing, but one of the bitter voices you often need to stop listening to is your own.

There we go. Many times my hardest counselee is the guy I see in the mirror in the morning. And so I need to stop listening to me. If I'm saying words to myself that are not informed by the Word of God, many times they're lies.

They're twisted. That's why it's so important to surround myself with Godly people, why it's so important to be in the Lord's house on the Lord's day. That's why it's so important to check whatever it is I'm thinking with the truth of the Word of God, to check whatever I'm wanting with the principles of scripture. And sometimes I need to tell myself to be quiet.

And since I'm in a radio format, I'll just use the phrase, be quiet. But I can think of other things I really need to tell myself from time to time or else I'm just going to lead my own self down the path of bitterness. Yes, the self-talk, the negative that's in there. I think, too, as I've just talked to two women this week where their husband was caught in an affair and they're just struggling with bitterness. I'm thinking of another woman that I just talked to whose husband continues to battle and he's trying to win over pornography.

And I was talking to her and just feeling her heart become so bitter, like, how many times do I need to forgive this man? And so I think every single day we're all faced with those decisions and the voices that we hear in our head. And I think it's really important to take those thoughts captive. Absolutely. Absolutely. And, you know, even when you give those little vignettes, I mean, our hearts break that this side of heaven men and women are facing. And so we're not minimizing the pain in any way, shape or form, but we're saying it doesn't have to determine the outcome.

Christ is more powerful than that. So in your own life, you've mentioned it a couple times, the journey to overcome bitterness. I know this isn't an autobiography book, but you've obviously journeyed through that.

Do you still today find it creeping in? Absolutely. Yeah. I think there's the opportunity for it every day and, you know, all of us travel. And so that means it won't be long before I'll be on another airplane and in another airport and anybody who travels understands it doesn't always go. And so, right. I mean, who knows what the rest of the day is going to hold when it comes to airline travel. And we've all also been in those situations and watched bitter people make situations really bad. But the other side of it is we've been on airplanes or in that situation where you can see somebody have the right kind of response.

The beautiful grace givers. Absolutely. Yeah. So do I face it? Absolutely.

I do. As an imperfect man in an imperfect world, yes. But praise God, we've got a way to overcome it so that we're not bitter people.

Can I ask you to do this? I'm thinking of a listener that's just stuck. You know, they've been listening through all these programs with you and they're still just like, I just don't know how to get out of the muck, the mud of this bitterness I'm in. Could you pray for him?

Absolutely. I just pray that they can find a way to overcome bitterness. Father in heaven, I thank you for every person who is listening to this prayer. And though this side of heaven, I will not know most of them, you know, each person who's listening right now, you know, every detail about their life, you even know the number of hairs on their head.

And Father, we thank you for your sovereignty and we thank you for being a good father. And Lord, I would pray for the person who is stuck in bitterness right now. Some who don't yet know Christ as Savior and Lord, I pray that they would admit their need even in this hard time and would choose to trust him.

Lord, for those who would say that they're Christians, but that they're just stuck. Father, some they need to lament. And I pray that they would learn the discipline of coming to you directly and authentically and speaking to you.

Others have a situation in their life where they really need to go and confront another person, but they've not done it. Lord, I pray that you would allow them to bring others around their life that would give them the direction and the courage to take that step. And Lord, I pray though, it's totally in your hands. I pray that in many cases there would be genuine repentance and true forgiveness as a result. And Lord, though it's hard, I pray that you would help all of us to think about the times that we're bitter, but it really has to do with some sin that we committed.

And we've compounded it because we've lied about it. Lord, that's so hard to think about, but where sin abounds, grace does much more abound. And so we thank you that you give us forgiveness even when we have sinned. And Lord, we thank you ultimately that Jesus is a sweet, sweet Savior. And I pray that the more we come to love him and know him, the less room there is in our heart for even a hint of a root of bitterness.

We pray these things, worshiping you for making it possible in Christ's name, amen. As we live in a fallen world, we will always have opportunities to deal with resentment, bitterness, unforgiveness. That's going to be a part of life, but let's purpose to be people who don't allow bitterness to take hold in our hearts, people who can release bitterness as soon as we feel it coming our way.

That's really what Stephen Vires was talking about with Dave and Ann Wilson here today. How can we be people who are not overcome by bitterness, who are characterized by love and joy and peace and patience and kindness and gentleness, all of the things we know about from the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians chapter five. Stephen Vires' book, Overcoming Bitterness, is so helpful in helping us not only deal with specific areas where we may be harboring resentment towards someone else, but also in helping us be the kind of people who are not bitter people, where that doesn't become characteristic of us. We've got copies of the book in our Family Life Today resource center. You can go online at familylifetoday.com to request your copy or call to order at 1-800-FL-TODAY.

Again, the title of the book is Overcoming Bitterness by Stephen Vires. Order online at familylifetoday.com or call 1-800-358-6329, that's 1-800, F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today to get your copy. Now I wanted to let you know about a special podcast mini-series that we've developed here at Family Life. It's called Psalms for Christmas Time and it features Dane Ortlund who was a guest with us last week on Family Life Today.

Dane has written a new book called In the Lord I Take Refuge. It's 150 devotions from the book of Psalms and it's a book we're making available here to Family Life Today listeners, those of you who can help this ministry with a year-end donation. As many of you know, the last few weeks of every year are a significant time for a ministry like ours. Year-end donations make up about 40% of our operating budget for the year ahead. So you're helping us determine just how effective this ministry is going to be able to be in 2022 when you make a year-end donation. The good news is every donation that's being made right now is being matched dollar for dollar. We've got a matching gift fund that's $1.5 million. Your donation, whatever it is, frees up money from that matching gift fund. Your donation is matched.

We're excited about that opportunity. Hope to hear from many listeners so we can take full advantage of that matching gift opportunity. Again, when you make a donation, we'll send you a copy of Dane Ortlund's new book, In the Lord I Take Refuge, the devotional book from the Psalms, along with a deck of playing cards that will help you start conversations.

There's a conversation starter on each playing card. So these are our thank you gifts to you when you make a year-end donation. You can donate online at familylifetoday.com or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. Thanks in advance for your support. Please do pray for us that we will be able to take full advantage of this matching gift opportunity here over the next few weeks. And we hope you can join us tomorrow. We're going to hear about what we do in a marriage when we're going through a tough season because all of us go through tough seasons.

Doesn't matter who you are, circumstances are going to come your way that are going to test your resolve in marriage. David and Meg Robbins are going to join us. David's the president of Family Life and talk about how we navigate tough seasons in marriage. Hope you can join us for that. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Bob Lapine. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life, a crew ministry, helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.