Getting My Kids To Talk To Me

So as our kids have gotten older, it hasn't been easy at times because they've been letting us know some of the things we didn't do quite so right. It's a wonderful thing when your child comes to you as an adult and says, Dad, I need to tell you something you didn't do.

I'm really grateful that they're coming, but it's... I'm not. I'd rather just not know. This is the difference in our personality. It's in the past.

Just let it go. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson.

And I'm Dave Wilson. And you can find us at familylifetoday.com or on our Family Life app. This is Family Life Today. One of our sons came to me, this is recently, and he said, Mom, I wish that you would have cared more about my heart than my behavior. And I was a little bit defensive.

Like, what do you mean? I cared about your heart. He said, but when I would share, like, my struggles of what I was going through and maybe I did something that was wrong, you instantly centered on what I had done rather than why I had done it. And I thought about that, and I really prayed about that, like, Lord, is that true? And I felt like, yep, I did that.

I cared more about... I would listen to what he was saying, and then I would have some objective reason why he shouldn't have done that. Or maybe a biblical response of why God says he shouldn't do it instead of saying, tell me more. Why do you think that's going on? Or why do you think you're experiencing that?

And what's the pull? What's behind the action? I wish I would have learned that in my earlier, younger years, because I wish I could have changed that. Yeah. And I, you know, one of the things we need to learn as parents is how do we get to our child's heart?

Not just their behavior, but their heart. And so we've got somebody that's going to help us do that today. Becky Harline is a mom, a wife, 14 grandkids, four kids, an author. Welcome to Family Life Today, Becky. Glad to have you here. Hey, it is amazing to be with you guys. I'm having so much fun here with you. So thank you for inviting me.

We're happy to have you back. You've written a book called How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk, which you sit in that title a little bit like, hmm, how to listen. It takes listening for my kids to talk because a lot of times we think I want my kids to talk more as teenagers and maybe it comes down to listening. So you really have some experience. You've written some books, but you also wrote another book about listening. So this is a passion of yours, isn't it? Yeah, because it's where God had to work in my heart. Oftentimes, you know, you write books or you speak messages to the deepest need in your own heart.

And so it's not that I'm an expert listener. It's that God had to change me and I had to learn how to listen. Well, let's talk about that because you mentioned earlier this week how you grew up in sort of an abusive home.

Talk about that a little bit. Is that where you felt the need? Like, were you not heard? Did you have to learn?

I mean, what was that like? So I have a rather hard story. I grew up in a pastor home. My father was a pastor. He was also a president of a Bible college, but he was also very abusive, very authoritative and really sexually abused me while I was growing up.

In addition to harsh behavior at home, a lot of hitting. Okay, wait, wait, wait. Just that alone, but he's also your pastor. Yeah. And so that's hard to get your head around that as an authoritative person from God.

Yes. That's not easy. No, it wasn't easy. And, you know, my mother had a lot of emotional issues. And there were times where I would try to bring up that I was being hurt, you know, but I was silenced. You know, it was like, don't ever say that about your father again. So I grew up with all these mixed messages. Unfortunately, when you grow up in a home like that, where your voice has been silent, silent, silent, silence. I mean, you definitely wrestle with things like anxiety and depression, but you can also come out like I'm going to raise my voice and it's going to be hurt.

Yeah. You know, sexual abuse is such a big topic to any of your listeners out there. If that's your story, I'd really encourage you. Number one, to find a good godly therapist and work it through.

Don't just shove it under the carpet. I did that. And then I would encourage you to find a godly mentor who will pray over you while you're going through therapy because that can be life changing for you. But as a parent, if you don't deal with all the emotional baggage from your own childhood, it's going to come out in unhealthy ways with your own kids. And for me, it meant I talked too much.

Because you never had a voice before. And yeah, and I really wanted to raise godly kids and somehow in my thinking as a mother, it was all about, well, I just got to teach him this verse or I got to tell him this and this is what God wants for them. You know, I was very hard on myself as a mother, I think, because I grew up in such a messed up home.

I really wanted to do it well. But sometimes even that meant I was talking too much. I remember a day where I was struggling with one of my teens and I remember the Lord speaking to me in a grocery store. He brought me back to that verse in Exodus where it says, I will fight for you while you remain silent. And sometimes as parents, we just have to get on our knees. Sometimes we have to cry things out on our knees. There was a season where one of our kids, I really felt like she was walking away from the Lord and I took an entire month and prayed through the book of Ephesians for her every morning.

I prayed through that entire book, putting her name in, you know, and God brought her back miraculously, which I'm very thankful for. But when you grow up in a home where you don't have a voice, you got to deal with that or you're going to talk too much in your own home. And when did you figure that out? I mean, when you were a young mom, were you like looking back now, were you talking too much? And there was a day or a time where you're like, oh, my goodness, I need to be quiet and listen. You know, it was a gradual journey for me, really. You know, it began one morning on my knees before the Lord, you know, when I had had a really rough morning with one of the kids and I thought, I don't know what I'm doing.

I just totally don't know what I'm doing. And the Lord, you know, really spoke to me that morning and said, I want to teach you how to listen. But it continued along the way. I kind of had this relationship with the Lord where I talked with him all day long. I wasn't like, OK, I'm just going to do a few minutes with the Lord in the morning and say a good night prayer. I needed God all day long because seriously, I didn't know what I was doing. And so, you know, I'd be helping with homework, but underneath I'd be having this conversation with the Lord. Lord, I need you to help me to listen right now.

It's Paul saying pray without ceasing. Yeah. And I think as a young mom, I did the same thing because I didn't have these long periods of time by myself. So I learned to just... You had no time by yourself.

Zero time. That's where you go to the bathroom, right? Exactly.

And they come in with you. And I think that's one of the sweet parts of God training us. He always uses every stage of our lives. And that was the stage I learned to talk to God all day about everything. Yes.

Yes. And to go back to your question about when did I learn this? I think what I want to stress here is it wasn't a one-time learning. You know, it was when I was sobbing on my knees before the Lord because my little negotiator had negotiated all week and I didn't feel like I handled it well. It was going before the Lord when our son, I realized that he had cheated on a test and really didn't need to cheat on any test because he was really smart.

You know, it was dealing with a teenager who I, you know, was telling me I wasn't listening to her. And even now with our adult kids, you know, you mentioned at the beginning of the show how your kids came to you. And Steve and I sat down last year with our kids and said, okay, you're all here. Let's talk about it. What did we do right? But what do you wish we had done different? Because we want them to feel hurt as adults. Right.

Yeah. And our kids are very verbal. So they're very honest with us, you know, that these are some of the things you did wrong, you know. What did they say?

What did you hear? Well, one of the things that we did wrong is they said, you know, you, mom, you got too defensive about things when we would confront you. And I know that about myself.

You know, when somebody confronts you, it's easy to kind of just kind of pull in and get defensive and try to defend yourself. And talking too much for me, for Steve, it was like, dad, you were so wrapped up in ministry that you didn't always show us what it looks like to be friends with unbelievers and have them in our home. You know, and we wish you had done that differently.

You know, I mentioned this in the book. We wanted to raise emotionally and spiritually healthy kids who could deal with their emotions. But neither Steve nor I grew up knowing how to deal with emotions in a healthy way.

This is Dave and I. Exactly. Yeah. So part of it is our baggage that we carry in because emotions and feelings, they were never important. Yes.

And so they were never acknowledged. And if anything, you get beyond that. You're like, hey, let's not sit there. And I did that as a mom, too.

And I'm watching my kids now as adults with their kids. And if their son or their daughter is upset and crying, I felt uncomfortable when my kids did that. And so I would say, it's OK. Yeah. I would try to change the subject and like, you're going to be fine. Or I would be very analytical of why it will be fine instead of letting them feel. Yeah.

I didn't like them to be sad. And so I'm always rushing them out of that. Yeah. And in your book, you talk about help them find their feelings. Yeah. And I had to grow as this as a mother, too, you know.

And one of the ways you do this is giving them permission. I grew up with messages all the time. Stop crying. Why are you crying? You know, and I was like, OK, I don't want to give that to my kids. So when they would cry, I would cry, too. And then Steve would say, well, don't you cry, too.

You're going to make it worse. But actually, I think that was my way of offering empathy. But I think the emotion where Steve and I struggled a lot was anger. There are so many messed up messages about anger in my home. I wasn't allowed to express any anger.

It was wrong, flat out wrong, unless you were a parent. Ungodly, probably. Right. Yeah.

In Steve's home, and he was raised on the mission field, so he went to boarding school and had another whole layer there, you know. But he was taught all too, like, well, we don't want to be angry. You know, we don't want to be angry. So we have these kids and they get angry sometimes, you know. And it's like, OK, do you correct them for being angry? And then you find yourself as a mom or a dad getting angry.

And what I learned about anger, again, this was gradual along the way, is anger is usually a secondary emotion. And so there's usually something else going on. So what I like to tell parents is when your kid is throwing a fit on the floor, toddlers, are they hungry? Are they tired?

Are they feeling left out? What's driving that anger? But then give them language to express their emotions, because the bottom line is Jesus experienced and emoted. So he expressed anger. He wept at Lazarus' tomb.

He flipped tables in the temple. I mean, we would maybe send him for anger management classes, right? But we've got to give our kids the tools to handle their emotions. And we have to learn how to handle our own emotions.

Like, what's driving this feeling in me? Our little grandson, Noah, when he was three, his sister scribbled all over his art project. And Noah was so frustrated.

So he flipped the chair over and he told Kinley, you know, he pushed her away and his mom went off to deal with Kinley. And I was talking to Noah and I was like, Noah, are you frustrated? Frustrated means that you're really upset that somebody wrecked your project.

And he says, yeah, Mimi, I am. And I said, can you say frustrated? And he said it and I wasn't sure he got it. You know, later in the day, he had a friend over and the little sisters wrecked their car track that they were building. And both little boys, three and a half at the time, came running out into the family rooms and they were dancing all over the floor saying, I'm frustrated.

I'm frustrated. So you're teaching them how to feel and you're giving them words to express it. Right.

Exactly. We have to because your kids are going to grow up and they are going to feel anger. They are going to feel hurt. They are going to feel sad. They are going to feel lonely. And they need those words. That's really good.

I feel like Anne did that really well. You taught our boys how to feel. I mean, I know you're sitting there thinking you didn't, but I remember walking in the kitchen many times and thinking I wouldn't be doing what you're doing right now when they were frustrated or angry. You just stop and go, OK, let's talk. Well, I would say, tell me what you're feeling.

And that's a good question. And a lot of times kids can't tell you what they're feeling. But as they get used to that word and they grow up, then they can tell you what they're feeling. We actually talked about that before they would go to bed. We had a time where we would talk about tell us the best thing that happened today. We did that too. We would do it at the dinner too.

And what's the hardest thing that happened today? And then I said, when you tell me the best thing, I want you to put a feeling with it. Oh, that's good.

I love that. And it can't be fine. And if it is anger and we would teach that anger is a second motion.

What was behind the anger and especially for boys being able to communicate and girls. This is what I feel like to take that and put a word with it is important. It is. And just to take the time. And I know when you're putting your kids to bed at night, you're thinking, I just want them to go to sleep. Yeah. I want to have a few minutes to myself. But to take that time because the dinner table. I think that's a great time.

Bedtime's great because they don't always want to go to sleep and they're willing to talk. Yeah. Yeah. I wish I would have done that more. But I think it's really good because those are tools they'll take into their marriage and into their adulthood with friends.

Yeah, absolutely. And with the things that we wish we had done better, I think we all have those feelings. You know, there are so many times where I'll be like, oh, I wish I had done this different or better. You know, apologizing to our adult kids has been hugely pivotal for us. You know, apologizing for look, I'm sorry, I didn't handle that well. And and apologizing to your kids as you're raising them in the home. You know, I mean, I remember there was a night where our teenage daughter was really struggling and she was walking through an eating disorder at the time. And I got down on my knees next to her bed and I said, I'm sorry, because I feel like I modeled this for you. You know, because I was always on the next diet.

I was always, you know, talking about fat labels and calories and whatnot. You know, but the power of an apology. The night that we gathered our adult kids around and said, what do we do wrong?

What do we do right? The thing that they said we did right was you apologized a lot when you were wrong. And that apparently stuck with them, you know, but the power of an apology is huge. And I want to talk for just a second to the listener out there who maybe doesn't have a great relationship right now with their teen or their young adult or their adult. And I want you to know that an apology goes a long way. And so you take the first step. Be on your knees in prayer first. But then go to that child or that adult and say, hey, I want to apologize for and be very, very specific.

X, Y or Z. And then say, will you forgive me? That's the pivotal question that often opens the bridge to that child's heart. And at the same time, they may not be able to initially. It might take a while. It might take years. You can't expect it. You know, if it's a deeper wound, you know, will you forgive me? Doesn't mean you have to right now. But are you willing to go on that journey? I don't think it ever ends either. One of our sons was saying like, Mom, when I'm talking about what I'm feeling, I don't want you just to say, well, and have an answer to it. Well, this is happening. And if he was expressing such sorrow, I would say, well, there are good things that are happening, too.

You want to try to fix it, right? As a mom, I get it. I do, too.

And so I really, as I read your book, I thought, oh, I'm getting it now. I just need to sit in it. I need to sit in it with him and say, I'm sorry that you're feeling like that.

And sometimes he'll say, Mom, you've apologized so many times. You just need to start listening. Just listen to me. But I feel like we're always learning and God is taking layers off and continuing to instruct us. But even I feel like I was good at asking good questions. But one of the things you're talking about in the book is you're saying ask great questions, but don't interrogate.

Yeah. You've got to make questions fun because we've all been there, right? You know, your kid comes home from school. What's the first question out of your mouth? Do you have homework tonight?

They don't want to answer that question, you know. So we've got to make question asking fun. And it needs to be part of the life of the family, you know. So maybe at the dinner table, you're saying to your six year old son, you know, when did you feel like a superhero today? Or, you know, when were you kind to somebody in your class today? Or what do you love most about your friends? You know, what do you think makes a good friend? And really learning to ask them questions. I think that this is so important for two reasons.

Number one, it gives you a window into your child's heart. You know, one of the games that we like to play is would you rather, you know, would you rather climb a tree or go on a hike? Would you rather ride an ATV or, you know, go swimming? Yes.

Hike ATV. Yes, yes, yes. You sound like my husband. So, but would you rather, helps you understand your child's heart more. You know, I remember we were playing this with some of our grandkids and we were like, would you rather be smart or pretty? And our little granddaughter jumped up and said, pretty. And our daughter said, well, there you have it. You know, but it gives you a window into their heart and their soul, you know. And so question asking is really an important part of family life. I'm thinking about when one of our sons was in high school and sometimes I would ask questions to interrogate what was happening.

Yeah. And it was out of my own. Like a spy.

Yeah, it's a spy. Out of my own fear. And so he was talking at the dinner table and he said, I did this thing with this one guy. And here's what I say. Oh, isn't he that bad kid who's always in trouble that smokes pot? That's what I say. Why do I say that?

Because I'm fearful. Like, oh, no, are you becoming friends with that kid? Yeah. And now I want you to know how I'm judging him and how he's a bad kid and stay far away. And it was so funny.

I think C.J. was maybe 16 at the time. He was our oldest first born.

And he, I'll never forget this. Yeah. He says, so, Mom, he smokes pot once in a while. Does that make him a bad kid?

Is he bad because he smokes pot? And I was just like, I'm so busted right now because he caught what I was doing. Yeah. I was interrogating. I was judging.

And it was all out of my own fear. Yeah. And so I think the words we speak as we listen to our kids and they're sharing, I was manipulating the whole thing. Yes. Do you know what I mean?

I do. And so when we ask questions, we can't ask with an ulterior mode of like, I'm really trying to figure out what in the world you were doing at that party last night. It's like our kids would say, well, Mom, do you really want to know the answer? Or are you trying to, you know, fish for some other thing here?

Because let's get that out in the open. Are we lucky that we have kids that will confront us? Yes. What about kids that don't? Right.

You know, that hold it inside. Okay. And so this is a big topic because there are some kids that you really have difficulty getting them to talk. And there's actually something called selective mutism where kids are very, very shy and where they won't talk very much.

And there are some ideas in the book for that. And one of them is give your child enough time to respond. You know, if you're an extrovert like me, you want to dive in and help them, you know, with the answer. So, you know, your child gets in the backseat of the car after school and you're saying, how is your day? And count to 10 or 15 and give them the space to answer that. Don't dive in and say, oh, well, you know.

That's what I would do. Yeah, me too. And so we have to learn to give these kids the time to respond and they don't do well with like gunfire questions. Okay.

What happened to Jim? Oh, what happened to math? And it's like, wait, you're confusing me.

You know, you're giving me too many questions at one time. So slow it down. One of the things and this is going to seem unrelated to listening, but it's so not in my life that the Holy Spirit really had to do and change in me was I realized that I lived my life with a continual sense of inner hurry. I was always in a hurry. I'm still like that.

Me too. And God is still working on me. You know, and I remember this profound moment where I was reading my Bible one morning and I realized Jesus never turned to the disciples and said, would you guys hurry up and get your sandals on? We're running late.

I mean, really, that was profound to me. And I thought, I'm always telling these kids, hurry up and get in the van. Hurry up. We're running late for church. Hurry up. We've got to go to school or clubs or whatever.

And that sense of hurry does not encourage conversation. And so I had to and I have to slow that down in my soul. I remember reading a book years ago by Jean Lush and she was talking about her nine year old daughter. She could tell her daughter was feeling some real angst. And so she was just trying to probe it out, like, and she thought, I have things to do.

Yeah. Come on, tell me what what's going on, like what's happening? And so she's interrogating.

And her nine year old was quiet. And then after a while, she said, Mom, I need you to lie down in your soul. Oh, I love that. Before I can talk to you. And Jean in the book says, I realized I'm always in a rush. I'm always on to the next thing. And that daughter felt it. And I needed to just rest and sit with her before she would open up her soul to me. Isn't that good?

That's so good. You know, several even in the season of life. There are several times a day where I feel that similar inner angst, like, oh, I'm in a hurry. I'm in a hurry. And I literally will pause and say, OK, why am I feeling rushed right now? You know, and then I invite Jesus into that moment and say, Lord, Jesus, calm my soul. Calm the inner angst I feel right now.

Help me to slow down and to be able to listen and be present in this moment. That's good. You know, and I would say for me, I don't know if I represent most men, but I think it's easier to be in a hurry. It's easier to be rushed than to be intimate with my son.

Yeah. And so it's like, I want to listen. I want to hear his heart. But I really don't. Because if I do, it's going to be intimate. And it's scary.

I'm just being honest. It's like, I'll run to the next task. I'll go to my office and I'll pick up my phone and do whatever. You know, listening so your child will talk.

Part of me is like, nah, I'd rather not because I don't know where that's going to go. And yet I would also say to the parent listening, this is the most important thing you'll do today is listen in such a way that your child will open up. And it may be intimate and it may be scary and it may not go the way you want, but it is the best thing you'll do today. All those other things, as important as they are, they're probably not as important as being the dad or mom that your son or daughter is really longing for you to be. And it has a lot to do with saying this son, this daughter matters so much that I'm going to listen.

And they're probably going to talk. I think one of the things I've learned over the years is that before I offer any input in my conversations with my kids, I should probably say about three times, tell me more and really do a good job of listening and drawing them out. My first impulse is often to provide the wisdom or fix the problem as opposed to drawing them out and letting them talk and listening well. David and Wilson have been talking today with Becky Harling about how to listen so your kids will talk. That's the title of Becky's book. It's a book we're making available this week to Family Life Today listeners, those of you who are regular listeners and want to help us expand the outreach of family life today. Help us provide practical biblical help and hope for marriages and families all around the world every day through the outreach of this program. Those of you who are listening as a podcast, those of you who come to our website or attend our events, you make all of this possible when you support the ongoing work of Family Life Today. And again, if you can make a donation today, we'd love to send you Becky Harling's book, How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk, deepen your connection and strengthen their confidence. You can make your donation online at familylifetoday.com or you can call to donate 1-800-358-6329 is our number.

That's 1-800-F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today. Now, we have got an event taking place this week at Family Life that we're pretty excited about. We've got David Robbins, who's the president of Family Life here with me. David, this is an event that's happening in the Atlanta area tomorrow and Friday, and it's an event we want to ask our listeners to join us and pray for. Yeah, tomorrow and Friday, we have hundreds of people coming together from across the nation in Atlanta for the Summit on Step Family Ministry, which the goal of it is to help equip and mobilize lay people and church leaders and pastors in how to minister to the uniqueness of a blended family and helping those marriages thrive and helping the kids involved in those marriages thrive and flourish according to the word of God and grow as a godly family. And I just want to invite you to pray for this event. If you will pray with us for God to minister deeply, pray for the families that will end up being impacted by the leaders coming together and getting trained that they will go and strengthen marriages and families in ways that we couldn't imagine. And the stories that we hear a month from now and a year from now and maybe five years from now would be things that grow the kingdom of God in ways that we can't believe we get to participate in. Our hope and prayer is that the seeds that are planted over the next couple of days at the Summit on Step Family Ministry would bear a rich harvest in the lives of couples who are forming blended families.

We hope you'll join us in praying for that. If you'd like more information about the Summit, it's on our website at familylifetoday.com. And again, those of you who support the Ministry of Family Life, thanks for making events like this possible through your financial support. And we hope you can join us again tomorrow when Dave and Ann Wilson are going to talk about what it is that couples who thrive in the later years of their marriage, what are they doing that other couples aren't doing? How do you finish well in marriage? We'll hear from Dave and Ann about that tomorrow. Hope you can join us for that. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Bob Lapine. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life, a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.