No Perfect Parent: The Teen Years

Tell me your favorite stage apparently. Oh, I loved all of the stages.

One that you loved the most. Teenage years. Really? Yeah. Because you start really seeing who they are, but you're also having this dynamic deep relationship now. But they start to do things and push back on you and act in ways that sometimes embarrass you. It's embarrassing.

Yeah. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson. And I'm Dave Wilson. And you can find us at familylifetoday.com or on our Family Life app.

This is Family Life Today. Tell me your favorite stage apparently. Oh, I loved all of the stages.

One that you loved the most. Teenage years. Yeah. You know what? I was thinking you might say the teen years.

Would you say that? I think I was surprised by the teen years. Because everyone warned us, wait till they become teenagers. Yeah, everybody was like, oh man, they're gonna make bad decisions. They're gonna push back on you. And they did all that.

Yeah, they did. There were difficult times and nights. But I, as I look back now, you know, our oldest is 35 and we've got grandkids. That teenage years with all three of the boys were some of the best years. So, we get to talk today from our book, No Perfect Parents, and talk about the teenage years. And in the book, you know, we laid out four different stages or phases of the parenting journey from what we call the zero to five age. We call that the discipline stage because you're trying to really discipline and teach them boundaries and what no means.

And, you know, there's poop and pee and everything all over the house and toys and ants rolling their eyes because I always say this. That's all I remember about the diaper years. But anyway, then you go to the next stage. We call it the training stage, which is somewhere around ages 5 and 6 up to about 12, where you're really developing and training them. And those first 12 years, we say in the book, are where they're really open to a parent's input. Those are critical years because around year 12 or 13, we call that the coaching stage, which is the teenage years. They're not as open to a parent's input. Not that they're not, but they're starting to look outside to their friends and other influences. You say this is the question. You live in the question. Talk about that.

I know you wrote about that in the book, No Perfect Parents, but what does that mean? Well, I like that we're talking about the teen years and maybe give some tips and some ideas, but I think the thing that I remember really hearing in conferences and reading books, actually, I think it was Dennis Rainey that said those first 12 years are pivotal because the window of your influence begins to close, and then they become teenagers, and now they're looking outward for what other people are saying, their culture, their peers, their teachers, and they're listening more now to the outside world. Not that we still don't have influence. We do.

We have huge influence, yes. But I say these are the years that you begin living in the question. In other words, you're asking a lot of questions. You might already know the answers, but you're getting them to really discover what they're thinking about things, their ideas. You're getting them to form opinions, and it's really helping them to become critical thinkers. Give me an example.

What's living in the question? Okay, let's say your nine-year-old comes and says, Hey mom, everybody's going to this movie. Can I go? So this is a nine-year-old. We're talking teenagers. Wait, wait, wait. At nine years old, you think, No, hon, you know that that movie isn't appropriate. We're not gonna go to that movie.

This is why. Now your 14-year-old comes home. He says, Hey mom, everybody's going to this movie.

Can I go? My first instinct is there's no way you're seeing that movie. That's horrible and inappropriate and blah blah.

But you don't say no. You live in the question, and you say, Well, tell me about the movie. And then you say, Tell me your thoughts about the movie.

What do you think about seeing that? Now, you already know you're not going to let them go, but you don't let them know that. And you did that a lot, too. You asked questions like that.

Well, what do you think? Yeah, and again, you're trying to get at the heart. In some ways, you're almost like, did the first 12 years of all the discipline and training pay off? What are they thinking along the ways we've tried to help them think?

And sometimes you'll think, Nope, none of it worked. They're off the rails, and other times you'll see that they are processing some of the things you taught them. I remember we had a discussion at the dinner table about curfews. So, hey, you guys, what do you think about curfews as you're, you know, getting older and in high school?

Should you have a curfew? We kind of already knew the answer, but we are bringing them in like, Hey, let's talk about it because we really care about your opinions and thoughts of this. Yeah.

So here's the thing. Talk about, you know, because when they hit the teenage years, and again, there's not a magic number. It could be 11.

It could be 13. But they start to do things and push back on you and act in ways that sometimes embarrass you. It's embarrassing.

Yeah. So this one time, we have this big ice skating party, and then we're going to go into our friend's house, and we're having a big potluck. Our oldest was 14, and we're done ice eating. We go in the house, and there's all this great food laid out, and someone's getting ready to pray. So the room is perfectly silent, and suddenly you hear someone say, This food looks like trash out loud. And I look over and discover that was our son.

Our oldest son just said that. And, you know, the kids are kind of snickering, and the parents are like, and I give my son the evil eye, like, Are you kidding me? And, oh, I was so embarrassed and humiliated. What did you think of that moment? I think you're the one that prayed. I was praying.

It was so embarrassing. You're the pastor. I mean, your part of me is like, I just hope that's anybody else's kid but mine. And it's mine.

Actually, it's yours. That was your comment, though. I mean, it's just, again, it's so much a parenting is you care about what others think of you as a parent.

Especially as teens. Yeah. And so when CJ did that, it was like, Oh, no. And then the evening kind of goes on. We're getting ready to leave. And I say to CJ, Hey, Cody didn't bring his shoes. He only brought his ice skates.

Can you put them on your back and carry them out to the car? Cody's what, nine? Not even.

Yeah. And so the room again, for some reason, is quiet. And CJ really loudly says, I have to do everything in this family. And everybody again looks at us. Oh, my.

I'm so humiliated. And not only are we like, you know, I'm the pastor of the church. We also teach and speak about marriage.

And so we're sort of knowing like, Oh, they're the Wilson family. They got it together. There it is.

They don't have it together. Oh, you guys, I just want you to know, I was so mad. CJ begins walking out the door. Cody's on his back and Austin's like running to the car.

And then CJ bends over. Oh, and by the way, as we're walking, I am right on his heels. And I'm saying to him right in his ear, that was so embarrassing and so disrespectful and so rude. And you're in so much trouble. Wait, you're in so much trouble.

And why? Because I was embarrassed because I looked bad. And so then he's kind of bending over. He's off balance, putting Cody into the car. And there was this big snow bank right beside the car. And I don't know what happened to me.

But in that split second, I just kind of nudged my shoulder under his shoulder. And I just nudged him and he falls into this snow bank and I jump in the car and I lock all the doors. And now he's pounding on all the windows like, Mom, let me in. And then what happens? Pastor Dave comes to the car. I come walking out.

That's what I see. CJ's pounding on the back window. And you're in there like, you're not unlocking the doors.

You're not going to let him in. He's like, am I going to go home with you? And I'm like, what is happening?

And so Dave unlocks the door and he lets CJ in. And then, and maybe you've had this experience with teenagers. And then I'm mortified of my own actions. Like, what am I, the 13 year old here?

And then I start to cry. And I say to Dave, like, I just want you to know, I will never talk about marriage or parenting ever in my life again, because I have no idea what I'm doing. I've ever, you really did say that. I did. Like, I'm never teaching on this.

I'm never getting up on stage with you. And now we wrote a book on marriage and on parenting. Again, not that we're experts. And the title of the book ought to tell you something. No perfect parents. We are not, and you aren't, and their kids aren't. And I think even the title, especially in the teenage years, alerts you to the fact that the expectation of trying to be perfect is a ridiculous expectation.

You can't, you won't, you're going to make mistake after mistake after mistake. But the teen years are crucial years, you know? So we want to take a few minutes to talk about it. But you know, one of the passages of scripture that really guided us is Psalm 127, where the Word of God says, unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain. And there has never been a more true statement. If you're trying to do this, or we're trying to do this without the Lord building the foundation, guiding, I mean, it's what vertical marriage is all about. You go vertical, you find life in Christ.

It's the same thing as a parent. It's like, you got to find your life in Christ, you got to find your direction from the Word. Because right after that, it says, unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain.

Children are a heritage, some translations say a gift from the Lord, the offspring, a reward from Him, like arrows in the hands of a warrior, children born in one's youth. So if we're gonna let the Lord build our house, how do we navigate the teen years? And one of the things that I think really guided us, I thought it was one of the best books on teenage years, was Shanti Feldhahn's book, For Parents Only, where she interviews, I think, a thousand teenagers and asks them questions.

And then she says, parents, here's what I heard. And one of the things that that book reminded us of, that I think every parent of teenagers needs to realize, is they're sort of addicted to something as a teenager. And you think, oh, what are they addicted to? You know, are they addicted to popularity?

Or no, no, no. She says they're addicted to freedom. She means they are on a pursuit to enjoy the freedom they now have as a young adult. In other words, they're gonna pull away. They are pulling away from you as a parent. And it's not a bad thing.

It's actually a natural thing because they're becoming an adult. And so you hear things like, hey, can you drop me off like three blocks from the school? I don't want people to see you drop me off. Or don't you dare walk in the movie theater.

You know, just pick me up two miles from, I'm kidding. But, you know, those things where you feel like they don't want me around anymore. And they can act like they really don't even like you. You know, like they say things that hurt your feelings. And the tone of their voice makes you feel like they could care less about you.

And it's really easy to get your feelings hurt and to pull away. And the truth is, this is normal and natural. And at the same time, we as parents know that the season of our parenting is closing. And so we are sort of grasping, you know, to make every moment count.

And they're sort of walking away. And so we can get fearful. And so there's two reactions parents can have. One is we over bear them. We become super controlling.

Yeah, we hover and we pull them closer. And the other is we just give up. It's like, oh, they're walking away. I'm just, they don't want me in their life anymore. And both are bad.

And if there's ever a season that highlights our imperfections, it's this one. They're pushing against the things that you've been pouring into them. And so I see parents, and I felt this myself, I get insecure. I remember saying to you, like, I'm not sure kids even like me right now. And then I would whisper to you, like, later, like, I'm not sure I really like my kids right now. You know, and that feels wrong. I think one of the reasons we feel that way is, and Shanti mentioned this in the book, is they start as a teenager to question the values that we've instilled in them.

That's a natural thing, but we don't want it or expect it. She uses the analogy of a castle. And it's like, we as parents when they're little have been building this castle block by block. This is what the Wilson family is about. These are our morals. We believe in God. We believe in the Word of God of the Bible. We believe in integrity. We believe in hard work.

All these that we believe sex is reserved for marriage. We believe cursing is, you know, so you build all these blocks and when they're little, they accept most of them, if not all of them. They're just like, yes, that's what I believe, too.

And I agree with that. And they seem almost proud of it. Yeah. And then they hit the teen years and they start questioning and maybe even challenging some of these core values of their parents. And it's almost like they'll pick up each block and look at it and think, huh, do I agree that drinking is wrong? They're going to parties where people are drinking is wrong? Hmm.

Yeah. What do I think about premarital sex? Everybody else is saying it's fine. It sort of freaks us out that they're even questioning it now. And some of them will go, I don't agree with that. And they'll take this core foundational value of your family, maybe even of the Word of God, and they'll discard it.

Or they may go, yeah, I do agree. And that's going to be a part of my life. But that's where we as parents, I think of teenagers, sort of freak out. It's like, we don't want them to question that. We're sort of shocked.

But guess what? That's a natural thing. Oh, you don't think that when you're experiencing it. I can remember our kids really questioning our morals, our values, when they were teens.

And I don't think any of them were outwardly rebellious. But I can remember being on my knees after they would go to bed. And I would be pleading with God like, Lord, I'm not sure what to do with this. I feel like they're questioning everything we've been doing. I remember going to one of our sons one time and I said to him, and this is living in the question again, I said, It feels like everything I'm doing is bugging you. Your attitude toward me, it feels like you don't like me. Can I just ask you, am I bugging you?

And are there some things that I could do that would help restore our relationship? And he goes, Well, you really are bugging me because every single night you're telling me, Why aren't you in bed? Why don't you have your homework done? Why are you still up? And I said, So what do you want me to do? He goes, I think I am old enough to make that decision of when I go to bed.

And if I get my homework done, that should be on me. And I remember thinking, huh, that seems like a little thing. You know, that's not really that big of a deal. So I said, All right, you're right. I'm not going to do that anymore. I said, Is there anything else? And he goes, Yeah, I think this rule that we have of not letting girls at our house when you guys are out of town or gone, I think that's really dumb. You know, they're questioning the block, looking at it, thinking that's a dumb block. And I said, Oh, okay, well, that's not going to change. And that's one that's going to stay there. Here's why. Because we hope to protect you and you know our views of this and and so but I think it's great to have those discussions.

Yeah. And I think it's really important for us as parents to understand these teenagers are so crucial for them to build their own faith, not our faith. Yeah, I read a book early in our parenting that I don't even know who wrote so old called The Dangers of Growing Up in a Christian Home. And the reason I picked it up is I didn't grow up in a Christian home, but now I'm leading one.

And I thought, What would the dangers be? And the big idea of the book was, it's easy for Christian parents to make their kids' faith their faith. And you have to allow your children freedom to find their own faith. At some point, it's got to become theirs, not mom and dad's. And that means they're going to question. They may make some mistakes, but they have to go on their own journey. And it's really easy for a parent to try and dictate all that. And of course, we do dictate a lot of that. But at some point, this freedom that they're starting to feel and the questions they're starting to ask, we need to encourage and be there to answer. I can remember our oldest CJ, who's a very analytical engineer, mind thinking, questioning things from the Bible, you know, even as a young boy, but then as a teenager.

And I remember living in the question, Okay, tell me why you think that and this kind of thing. What does CJ write in our book, No Perfect Parents? This was profound for us, because we had no idea until we read it in the book.

Yeah, we asked our sons to comment in the book, and all three of them did it different places and just make a comment. Did what we do work? Did what we do not work? What was good?

What was bad? And one of his comments was simply, if my parents wouldn't allow me to question, I'd probably be an atheist today. Yeah, we were like, what? Yeah, but that was that he's picking up this block, you know, this value that we've taught him since he was, you know, preschooler. And now he's saying, What do I believe?

And it became his faith. Yeah. And it's interesting, out of our three sons, I would say, theologically speaking, they're all on different pages. And that's some of you hear that you think, what? That's okay. They all believe in the gospel of Christ.

But they all have different views. So what would you say to the parent listening right now, that maybe has teenagers or is gonna have teenagers in the next few years? What is the key? Is there a key?

Yes, it's what we heard from Josh McDowell years ago. Rules without relationship equal rebellion. What's that mean? That was pivotal for our parenting teens. It means that if you're going to just keep laying down all the rules, and you're going to be super controlling, and you don't have a relationship where your kids know you love them, you're talking to them, you know their hearts, they know your heart, that relationship is really solid. If you don't have that, and you're trying to lay down rules, they're just going to rebel.

Because our kids are longing for a relationship with us. And you might be thinking, no, they don't. They're pushing me away. But yes, they do. Yeah.

And that's the truth. They are, seems like they're pushing you away. But deep down, they long for a relationship with mom and dad.

So what's a parent to do? Pursue, pursue, pursue. It's the same thing my wife wants me to do in our marriage. It's like, you pursued me before we got married. Why would you stop now? Keep pursuing me.

Keep romancing me. Keep coming after me in our marriage. It's no different for our kids. Our kids are pulling away. And they may say, no, dad, I don't want to spend time with you or mom.

I got other things to do. And that's definitely true. But figure out a way to keep cultivating that relationship with your teenager. If you've got daughters, date your daughters. If you've got sons, hang with your sons. Don't date them.

Hang with them. But figure out a way to get them in the car. If I would say to my oldest, you want to go to Best Buy?

I'll buy you something. He's in the car because he wants to go look at tech stuff. And there's a 20 minute, 30 minute, 40 minute drive there. I've got an hour and a half that I would never get with him.

He's pulling himself away. But that gives me time with him to cultivate the relationship so that when I'm laying down some rules, there's a chance that he's going to listen to those because there's a relationship. And I would really encourage dads with their daughters. Like your daughters need you. I know that it can be awkward when they become teenagers.

It can feel like it feels a little different and weird. They feel like women now. Dads, can I just say your daughter still has this little girl's heart that needs you to pursue her, that needs you to tell her she's beautiful. Take her out to dinner.

You know, go do something fun with her. Because I'm just going to say, as a woman with my dad, I needed that from him, especially in the teenage years when I was vulnerable with guys in the relationship, in sexuality, all of that. I needed my dad to say, I love you. I think you're beautiful.

You have everything you need. Pursue your girls. And same moms pursue your sons. Hang out with them.

And sometimes they don't act like they want to be with you. Remember saying to our one son, like, okay, I can tell we're really bugging each other right now. Can we just go do something fun? Grab something to eat? And when I would just ask him some questions like, how are you doing?

What's going on? I could see like, oh, there you are. Yeah, I love who you are.

And then I would tell him, man, I love who you are. I love who you're becoming. And they might not say anything positive back to you, but it's okay. They will later.

They'll come back. Yeah. And I would say, you know, as we close this, you know, there's so much more we put in that chapter, actually a couple chapters in the book that we can't hit. But when we talk about this at our parenting retreats, we talk about the top five.

And so let's give those real quick. The parents of teenagers, we already hit number one. The top five would be, what are five things we can do to parent our teenagers? Number one was hang or date.

You know, we say love is spelled T-I-M-E. So figure out a way to hang with your boys or date your daughters and spend time. Number two is stay up late.

Yeah. And I know some of you are morning people, and this sounds horrible to have to stay up. But one of the things we found with teens is a couple things draw them in. You're up and they talk. The other thing with staying up is have food readily available, because wherever there is food, they congregate. I can remember our kids being at retreats or conferences. I would just have the table full of food when they came in the door, and they would sit at the table and we would just talk. And sometimes that would go in. Honestly, remember, we'd be up till 1 a.m., 2 a.m.

I wanted to go to bed so bad. And at the same time, they're going to be gone in a year or two, and this is valuable. So hang or date, stay up, serve is, I'll tell you what, one of the best things we did was we went on mission trips with our kids. We served other people and showed them what's going on in the world different than it just changed them. Yeah. So the fourth one, and this is a big one, do dinner. And I know our lives are crazy. They've got schedules.

They got things they're involved in. Figure out a way to sit down as a family and do dinner together. Here's the last one.

I'm just doing this fast because of time. Okay. Hit your knees.

Yeah. Pray like crazy. I think to do it, if you're married, do it as a couple, honestly. And if your spouse has fallen asleep, just put your hand on their shoulder and pray for your kids constantly. If you're a single parent, continue to pray. And I would encourage you to get other people praying with you so that you can be praying for all of your kids.

And I would say this, I'm gonna pray for your kids right now because I know how hard these years are. They're awesome. They're wonderful. They're scary. They're scary. We had nights where we laid in bed afraid and couldn't sleep because we were worried about them. I slept sometimes, but Anne was more worried than I was and she was right. Says more about your faith. Should have been.

No, it was just I was living in denial. I didn't want to know. So Father, I pray for the parents of teenagers right now. Pray that you give them grace, peace. Pray for peace.

The peace that passes all understanding that only comes from your heart. And I pray for their kids that they would know you in a living relationship with your son Jesus. And I pray for protection over them and I pray you'd make them to become amazing men and women of God as they grow into adults. Thank you. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Amen. I think a lot of moms and dads can resonate with the fear. Anne Wilson has talked about raising kids through the teen years as they begin to express their independence, their desire for autonomy, and as they're being bombarded with both peer pressure and cultural pressure to move away from what the Christian faith teaches about life and truth. These are challenging years for us as parents and Dave and Anne Wilson's book, No Perfect Parents, is really helping a lot of moms and dads be able to take a deep breath and go, okay we can do this.

We're gonna make mistakes but God has grace for our mistakes and if we stay focused on the right thing, God is gonna bless our parenting efforts. We've got copies of the Wilson's book in our Family Life Today Resource Center. You can request your copy online at familylifetoday.com or call to order 1-800-FL-TODAY is the number. Again, the title of the book is No Perfect Parents from Dave and Anne Wilson. Order online at familylifetoday.com or call 1-800-358-6329, 1-800-F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today. Again, request your copy of the book No Perfect Parents by Dave and Anne Wilson. We're also making available this week a new book by our friend Janelle Breitenstein who was with us earlier this week talking about how we mark and shape our children permanently for life as we raise them, how we can point them in the right direction spiritually.

We're making Janelle's new book Permanent Markers available as a thank-you gift. For those of you who can help extend the reach and the mission of Family Life Today, help us reach more people more often with practical biblical help and hope. Every day hundreds of thousands of people are coming to us online through this podcast, the resources we have available. They're looking for help and hope and you make that possible for them when you support this ministry. So thanks in advance for prayerfully considering a financial gift to Family Life Today and when you do, request your copy of Janelle Breitenstein's new book Permanent Markers. We're happy to send it to you and are grateful for your support of this ministry. And we hope you can join us again tomorrow when we're going to tackle a provocative question.

It's this, why does God care who I sleep with? Sam Albury addresses that question with us tomorrow. Hope you can be here for that. On behalf of our hosts Dave and Anne Wilson, I'm Bob Lapine. We will see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life, a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.