Spiritual Life Skills For Kids: What Am I Aiming For?

Got to have a pop quiz. Oh, I hate pop quizzes.

For moms and dads. Okay. Oh, I don't have to take it?

No, I'm gonna have you take it. Okay. But it's like, okay, if you had a multiple choice option, and I'm saying the others one wouldn't be true, but if you had to pick only one of these for your kids when they are adults. Okay. Listeners, listen up.

Get ready. Yeah, so if you're thinking about, okay, what you hope your kids will be when they're adults, would you pick number one would be they will never have any serious financial problems. Or two, they will have good health and long life. That's a good one too. Or three, they'll have a happy marriage. Oh, that's a really good one. Or four, they will walk with Jesus and be men and women of godly character.

Or five, they will play in the NFL. I added that one. Yeah, of course you did. Every Christian parent is going to pick number four. I don't know though, Dave, because we want all of those things. None of those things are necessarily bad. No, none of them are bad. You want that for your kids, honestly.

I don't know about the NFL thing. But you don't want your kids to have financial problems and you want them to have good health and long lives. And you definitely want them to have a happy marriage. But apart from Jesus, those things can seem empty and hard to attain.

Yeah. And as a Christ follower, you are probably going to pick number four. I want my kids to walk with God as adult men and women. But here's the question. How do we get them there? Because that's, you know, it's like, there's the goal. There's the finish line. What's the strategy?

What's the roadmap to get there? So we need help. So we've got... We have Janelle Breitenstein with us again today. Janelle, welcome back to Family Life Today. Thanks so much. It's a delight to be here. You've got a little bit of energy. You do. I love it.

Get it from my dad. You and your mom have energy, which is a beautiful thing. I mean, we had one of the most unique lunches before this program that I think we've ever had. And it had something to do with you, but also your parents. I don't even want to tell people what we talked about. You're just fun. You've written a book called Permanent Markers.

And we've already been talking about this, but we really love having you with us. You're a mom. You're a wife. You used to live in Africa. What were you doing? We were with Engineering Ministries International that partner with organizations that are helping the poor and preaching the gospel. And it's design, engineering and construction work. So that means hospitals, schools, water projects.

In all these countries around the world, we've got 11 offices. So really powerful work. And personally, I was teaching refugees. So really fulfilling work.

Wow. What a life. And now you're back in the United States.

You're living in Colorado. What are you doing now? I'm a freelance writer and an author. So I actually do a lot of work for Family Life.

I'm one of their normal contributors. And this Permanent Markers is my first book. The subtitle is Spiritual Life Skills to Write on Your Kids' Hearts.

So there's the question. How do you write spiritual life skills on your children's hearts? Obviously, you would have picked number four, I'm guessing, that you want your kids to be adults.

I mean, it's a great life, but it isn't what you really are hoping. I mean, as a Christ-following parent, we're hoping our kids, right? Well, I think we would all say that would be our top priority in our kids' lives, is their character. But how do we do that? You know, I think we're so bombarded with the culture of the world.

How do we actually implement building spiritual life into our kids? So you're in the middle of it now. Your oldest is, what, 17? Yeah. So how are you doing it? Perfectly, I'm sure. Oh, yeah, flawlessly. I'm sure it's a good thing he's not sitting there behind the plexiglass.

But I really think it does depend on the kid and on their season of life and everything. And by the way, I just want to circle back here because I looked this up specifically for Dave before I came here. Have you ever heard of the name Jim Marshall, who played for the Minnesota Vikings?

Yes, I have. I'm not that old, though. He's older than me. You're right.

That wasn't why I looked it up. He's part of the Purple People Eaters back in the 60s, I think. Yeah, that was what they called him. So he was in 1964. I think he's the only person to do this in NFL history. He ran 66 yards the wrong way.

Yes, he did. For the 49ers, I had no idea. But I was like, I think I need a football analogy for Dave.

You don't have to do that. In your book, you use soccer with your kids. I do. But the thing is, yes, I had my son be extremely proud of a goal he got in the goal for the other team. Well, you know that I actually own an Ohio State high school playoff football record to this day.

Are you serious? I still own a record. I threw the longest touchdown pass in Ohio high school playoff history against the number one team in the nation. Ninety seven yards. I still have that record. In the correct goal.

No doubt. Here's the thing. It was an interception. It lost the game. Are you serious? I mean, people hear me say that and they start cheering.

I'm like, you think I'm that arrogant to tell you that I have a record? I would never do that. It was one of the worst moments of my life. I'm so sorry. It went the other way.

And then I missed the tackle. Anyway, we don't need to talk about that. But the point is what? You know, you're aiming for the wrong thing. I think sometimes we don't know that we're aiming for the wrong thing because we're aiming for everything except number four. Oh, so true. You know, or number four plus everything else.

And the honest truth is there are a lot of things that can pollute number four. What's that mean? There are a lot of things that we add on to our personal version of the gospel. Whether it is achievement, what I do or what others think of me or what I have, whether it's security or control or cash or education. And if we are adding anything to that, the Bible is pretty explicit that that's a false gospel. That at our core, what gives us our worth and our value has to be Jesus Christ and the work he's already done for us. You're getting into identity.

I am. Which in your book, you talk about that as a parent trying to help your son or daughter understand their identity. So walk us through that a little bit. Sure.

I'll start with a serious example and then go to a funnier one. Yesterday, we signed a bunch of papers for my son to take the first step in being active duty from the Marines. So my mama's heart is involved in that quite a bit right now, just thinking through what God might have for the warrior he's created in my family. You're probably proud and scared. Scared.

Yes. And extremely proud. And it was interesting while we were sitting in that recruiting office, I heard one of the other officers say that someone was working out in the back and they said he's making himself better. And when we were in the car afterward, I said, Baden, I'm going to have a mom moment here. So you're just going to have to excuse me because I'm going to get spiritual about this. But when he said that, I want you to know something. You're going to work really hard and you are going to improve in a lot of ways in the next several years. And I'm going to be exceedingly proud of you, but I want to let you know none of those things will make you more worthy in my eyes or in God's.

If you get the idea that you are actually making yourself better and more worthy or more valuable, you will be chasing the wind. Way to go, mom. Well, I don't know if he rolled his eyes or not, which is I don't know. Sometimes I feel like my kid's eyes just might pop out into my perpetually empty fridge. I'll tell you this. Permanent marker right there.

I was going to say, I know where Ann's thinking, if he rolled his eyes, which I doubt he did, but even if he did, he will never forget that moment. Never. Someday, someday, maybe five, 10 years, who knows where maybe the wind is. I'm telling you. Am I right? God will use it.

That's why I say way to go. Seriously. I sure hope so. It marked him. I take a lot of comfort in the idea that God's word, when we speak it to our kids, whether directly in scripture or just his principles, that it doesn't return void. And that even faith as small as a mustard seed makes huge trees in our kids. And that's kind of what this book is about. If you're a mom or dad listening, do what Janelle did. Don't miss those moments to speak truth. I can tell by the way you said it wasn't a in your face, but it was truth like this moment's going to be gone in five minutes, you know, and you're going to blink and he's going to be gone. And you miss those opportunities. So there may be a mom or dad listening right now that today is a day you get a moment like that.

Don't miss it. Janelle, I want you to go back because we were off air when you talked about this son being a warrior and his identity and how that wasn't easy for you to receive. Having a warrior.

What does that mean? That's a great question. I mentioned that part of one of the battles I've had to fight in myself as a parent is to not raise kids in my own image and raise the kids I wanted to have. The kids I thought I deserved and the kids I thought God must want me to have because this is what I value. And the reality is he's made them in his image as his workmanship.

His poem is what we hear in the Greek of Ephesians 2 10. And if I try to rewrite that, well, he'll be unto me as a parent, shaping them to look like me instead of the person he's created them to be. I am a helper and I am achiever and I have no kids that are wired like me.

I have none of them that are people pleasers that want to do things because they should. But my oldest is a warrior and I have no military background in my family. He's a warrior, not just in the military way, but all in personality. He fights for for God's kingdom, sometimes for his own agenda. But God created him as a warrior. And I felt like at some point, maybe just a year ago, I was really struggling with this and the idea that he wanted to be in the military when we had gone to Africa to help.

I felt like God was putting his hand on my shoulder and saying not audibly, just through his Holy Spirit. Are you OK if I made your son a warrior? David was a warrior. He was a man after my own heart. And it was interesting because when I heard my son talking to the recruiter, he said, my parents went to Africa and they helped people. And this is my way to help people.

He's talked about maybe after his military career, going with IJM, International Justice Mission, helping people in trafficking and things like that. And he's been the one to stand up for girls in his class who he feels are possibly in abusive situations. And if I stepped in and put my personality over that, what a tragedy for this world to not get God's image in him. Yeah. What about you? I heard that you might have a son who's a warrior, too, Anne. Well, it's funny. Look at that.

She's asking you questions. I like it. When you have kids that are strong, it doesn't feel like necessarily a great thing. When you say a warrior, like that's awesome. But they're also a rebel.

They're not easy to raise. This son is passionate and he's strong and he's a leader. And I remember one time walking and praying like, Lord, I don't even know what to do with this boy. And I have some of that in me as well.

And I felt like God was so delighted in who he made him to be. And he was saying, fan the flame, control the flame. You know, it's our job to put some boundaries around it.

Put brakes on it. Yes. But like fan it, Anne, because I had those words, too. David was a warrior and your son is much like him. And so the first time I heard this son preach, Dave was with me.

We were sitting beside each other. He's preaching at our church. But I remember, I mean, he's strong. He's a preacher and he's crying because he's passionate and he's winsome.

But he's funny. And I sat there crying because I said to the Lord, like, oh, I see it now. Like, this is amazing.

It was all the things that were frustrating. Yes. We don't always see that. But I think as moms and dads to be patient, to continue to go back to the Lord, to surrender our kids.

Lord, give me wisdom to know how to fan the flame in a way that brings you glory. And I'm not going crazy. When my youngest son was 18 months old, he would drive me a little bananas because I thought I would literally remember being slumped against the wall thinking I have birthed the Tasmanian devil. And he would just he was the kind of kid who I'd be in the bathroom and he'd tear open a drink mix and sprinkle it all over like fairy dust. Or he would he would be the kid I'd find on the top of the table just when he was walking, trying to touch the chandelier. And every day he would unload my appliance covered and there would be appliances all over the floor twice a day. And so I told this to the doctor as well, child checkup, hoping she would empathize with my frustration. And she said in this all too perky manner, oh, it sounds like he's mechanical.

And I could have just killed her with my eyes. But the reality is at some point, actually, it was that same day when I was slumped against the wall, I felt like God was asking me to know what if I need him to be this way to cross a jungle to an unreached people group? What if I need him to be this way to stand up for the unborn in a courtroom? What if I need him to be this way to be an inner city schoolteacher?

Can you just put brakes on it and can you watch me lead? And that's hard when you have a kid who's so different from you. You're the quiet one and they're the extrovert or or whatever. Learning to like a marriage dovetail with your kids strengths and weaknesses.

It's beautiful. You know, one of the things you do a chapter on is prayer. Yeah. Talk about that as a parent and like raising, you know, Kingdom minded gospel centered kids that hopefully, as we've been talking all day, become adults that are living out the gospel. Where does prayer fit in? Well, you guys raised three boys, so I think part of the problem is just to get them. You're not allowed to turn it back on us. Watch me. But I imagine the idea is like, can we just get them to stop yelling up the stairs?

You know, or whatever. Can we get the Nerf guns laid down for enough? I mean, to even mention the word prayer and have them hear it without shouting. So I think part of what the shift needed to be in my heart with prayer is to shift my kids to wanting to be with God rather than just ask him for things. So that the goal in prayer is not what God does for us, but the goal is God. So it's about creating a prayer lifestyle in the ways we pray with kids that, again, God is our get to, not our have to. Yes.

And he is what he gives me. So we raise these consumer kids. I think we can do this in really practical ways for say that you've got an artistic kid. I think you can make a prayer chain calendar that they make themselves for different things that they want to pray for, and we get excited about praying for that thing. You can make a prayer collage. If you've got a kid who has real kinesthetic love language of touch, light a candle when you pray at night so it smells good and they associate it with smell.

Rub a great smelling lotion on their back. When you're praying, have your arms around them and tousle their hair, make these moments where kids are engaging. And prayer is actually a little bit fun and nurturing, and they associate it with these positive memories and creative memories and times that it's fun.

And there's even, I think, an idea in the book where you can make a prayer labyrinth on your driveway with sidewalk chalk, and you can kind of walk through it and pray for different things and teach your kids to be a little more meditative and create some space for God in their lives. Tell us what that sounds like. Like, I'm envisioning this. You know, I think we all see these different things, the chains, the labyrinth, all that. What are you saying?

Can you ask that in a different way so I know how to answer? So you're doing these ways that you're bringing all these different senses, you know, in ways that our children are wired into praying and you're making it fun. What are you praying about?

That's a great question. I do think sometimes we're teaching them that they can come to God with anything. For example, I bought a scratch-off map that we hung on my son's wall, and every time we prayed for a country on our Operation World app, we'd scratch off the country, and he'd get excited about praying for another country, or we made a prayer deck of different things we wanted to pray for, and he'd pick a card, any card. So I think sometimes we're praying, asking God for things. We want to teach our kids supplication, but we're also teaching them things like, God, this is who you are to me this week, and I'm just really thankful. So his attributes.

Yes, yeah. We're teaching them to engage with God in their own lives and bring their whole selves, their inner selves. The psalmist talks about, my soul blesses the Lord. So how can we talk about our kids' bad day and bring that into prayer? John Calvin once said that the whole of spirituality is both in knowing God and knowing ourselves. So how can we bring our kids' knowledge of themselves and what's going on in their lives into prayer?

That's really good. And I think we model that. We teach our kids how to pray by allowing them to see us pray. And I know that I've prayed in front of my kids all the time because it's discipleship.

It's mentoring. And so when we're in the car or when we're shopping or I see someone along the side of the road, I'm praying for them. I'm getting them to notice. And they hear my heart of joy. They hear me praying when I'm sad and crying when we've lost someone. They hear me praying when I'm frustrated and I'm venting to God my frustration. I think that's beautiful because they see its relationship.

It's not like, oh, Lord, bless my mom and my dad and my aunt and my uncle. It's a relationship that you're talking to him about everything. And you're also asking him for things as well.

But that relationship is key. I know one time one of our kids was really mad and he was mad at God. He was mad at the situation he was going through and he felt like he was mad at God for allowing him to go through it. And I said, you need to get on your bike, go on a long ride and you tell God everything you're feeling, like lay it out.

Be really honest and truthful. He was so mad. He's pushing the bike over. And he had reason. I can't remember what it was about. It was a breakup. It was something.

But he got on his bike and he came back and he was drenched in sweat. And I said, so did you talk to God? He goes, yeah, I told him everything.

And I said, how do you feel? He goes, better, better. And if we can teach our kids from going from us to God to giving him everything, man, those are the places where we win. Yes, I totally agree.

And what a great way to incorporate prayer with the way he's made as an athletic young man. Exactly. Here's a question, permanent markers sitting here, listening and watching you can see a legacy from your mom and dad. And, you know, knowing them here at Family Life, they are beloved here.

What did they mark you with? If you could even thank them. I'm only going to let you have one. Can't have three or four or five. One for each?

No, just one. OK. You know, one thing that they both have as part of their DNA as a couple, because each of us in our families, we have kind of our own subculture. My parents are generous, not just with their money. I think someone once told me they were a young person and they said, your parents are the most generous people I've ever met. And I thought that was strange because my dad was a farmer at the time. We had very little money.

And I mean, we I don't think I knew it at the time. I didn't know how much my parents had to stretch, but they were they were not wealthy. But whatever they had was for God and his people and or for whoever needed it. And I'm not just talking about their possessions, but my dad has gifts as a mechanic. So he fixes missionaries cars and single mothers cars. And he's always used that skill.

We think he does probably 150 cars a year. My mom has always been the same way, bringing us around to in the 90s, we made a funeral dinner for someone who had passed away from AIDS and she brought me along and we served it together. And now they're chaplains. And it's not just that they're generous with their services, they're generous with themselves and their presence.

They are present with people who are suffering like Jesus was. And it's that kind of generosity. Let me put it this way. When my dad was a farmer, he ended up having all girls and he had nobody to pass on the family business to. But I tell you what, he's passed on the family business in a way that I hope I can even deign to replicate in my own life and in my life to my kids and my grandkids and my great grandkids. I hope you're generous in the name of Jesus. You're doing that. Yeah. As you were speaking, I put down in notes like you have given your kids a bigger vision for the world. They're not living for themselves, but you've given them a vision for how they can impact the world for Jesus. And now that you said that, like, oh, that's a legacy thing that's been passed down to you and you're passing it down to your own kids.

Yeah. And just sitting with you at lunch with your parents and then even listening to you. You are all generous with joy. There is a joy that exudes out of you and your parents. That's generosity, whether it's money or not, it doesn't matter. It's just like that is not taught. That's caught.

And I don't know your kids. I just know they have it. That's part of the DNA of the legacy of you guys. And so, man, you talk about permanent markers. You are marked and you are marking others. Thank you for being with us.

Gosh, it's my privilege. I hope that that is how God chooses to bless my parenting. I think there are days in all of our parenting where we can't see God's long game.

All right. And that's really the game that he's in is the game for the kingdom and not for the immediate. And parenting takes that little bit of faith that can move mountains. And so I guess to the parent who's out there today and maybe is in a similar place to me, maybe you're raising teens or raising that kid who you just don't see hope. I think our trust is not in the outcome. Our trust is in God's character, that he is the one who brings good work to completion. That's a good word.

Thanks, Janelle. Our most important assignment as parents is the spiritual health of our children. That's where our focus needs to be. Ultimately, the path they choose is their choice to make.

That's in God's hands. But we have an assignment as parents to be marking them, to be shaping them, to be pointing them in the right direction. And that's the focus of Janelle Breitenstein's new book, Permanent Markers, Spiritual Life Skills to Write on Your Kids' Hearts. We're making this book available this week to Family Life Today listeners who can help support and advance the ministry of family life. When you make a donation to this ministry, you're actually investing in the lives and marriages and families of hundreds of thousands of people all around the world who turn to us for practical, biblical help and hope for their marriage and family. Your investment is in their future, their family, their legacy. And if you can help support Family Life Today with a donation, be sure to request a copy of the book Permanent Markers from Janelle Breitenstein.

We're happy to send it to you. Go to familylifetoday.com to make an online donation or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate by phone. The number again is 1-800-358-6329, 1-800-F as in Family, L as in Life, and then the word TODAY.

Or again, you can donate online at familylifetoday.com. And while you're on our website, be sure to check out information about the Art of Parenting Small Group Series. This is an eight-part series that we've developed to help moms and dads get a handle on our priorities as parents, dealing with issues like discipline, forming identity in your child's life, helping them build healthy, strong relationships, and pointing them toward the right mission.

Find out more about the Art of Parenting Small Group Series when you go to familylifetoday.com. And we have got the president of Family Life, David Robbins, here with us. And David, it's been fun to listen to Janelle Breitenstein hear about her new book today. We think of Janelle as one of us, right? Yeah, we do consider Janelle one of our own. Her parents are on staff with Family Life and actually serve as chaplains to our staff to keep our Family Life staff marriages strong and our families strong. And Janelle and her husband actually served with us at Family Life at one time, and she continues to write and contribute a lot. I'm so grateful for her. And one of the reasons I'm grateful is because of her honesty and how raw she is, but how she takes those honest moments she's walking through and takes them to the Word of God. And she really reflects what we at Family Life want every parent out there doing, of getting into the realness of life. And life can be hard and challenging, but yet take it to God. Experience the gospel in it.

See what His Word says and draw from that wisdom. And Janelle and her family, they live it honestly, and they're just a prototype of what we want to see all over the nation and all over the world because we know the power of a home that is surrendered to Jesus and reflecting Jesus in their corner of the world. Our listeners have heard us say many times that our mission here at Family Life is to effectively develop godly marriages and families.

And again, thanks to those of you who make that mission possible, and congratulations to Janelle on her new book. Now, tomorrow Dave and Ann Wilson have some thoughts on how we best navigate our sons and daughters through the teen years, the often challenging teen years. So we're going to pick up this conversation about parenting and look at the issues parents of teens are facing as we come back tomorrow. Hope you can join us for that. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Bob Lapine. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life, a crew ministry, helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.