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September 28, 2021 2:00 am
Women want to see their husbands as their heroes, and men want their wives to see them that way, too. So why is it so hard? Juli Slattery helps couples understand the balance between seeing flaws and speaking life.
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So we've been married about 15 years and straddling money went to all your guy friends and you asked them a question about terrifies you yeah you're in remit again really welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most and will send Dave Wilson and you can find no sick family like today.com or on our family life.
This is family life today so these are guys I've been doing life with their own, married, have kids were raising our kids together were in our mid-40s and literally on a trip to a funeral of one of our guys dads in United struggling and thinking all the things I say the guys in the car hail me ask you question. Do you guys feel like your wife loves you. Every guy immediately. The question I know otherwise. I know the kids and other families and so you know they're all like why you suggest I go I got another question do you feel like your wife likes you. I think there were nine guys all nine said, and I was Larry while their wives would've said I like you I love you too. I just need to tweak a few but I found it fascinating that it was immediately yeah they love me were not getting a divorce there to death do us part them in their struggles, but how really like me that I was feeling that so that you know there like what you ask is that my class. I don't really feel like you like me either. So let's talk about that but I was shocked that it was that universal. Well I'm excited today because we had Julie Slattery back with us today talking about her luck finding a hero in your husband, Julie. Welcome back to family life today good to be back with you again. Now I'm glad to hear Duke as you're going to help us answer this question yeah but by the way, we just gotta say this isn't your only book you've written 10 books and an authentic intimacy is your website podcast which has humbly how he didn't mention your podcast Java with Julie tell us what's that about say real casual, coffee, conversation around difficult issues. A lot of them involving sexuality and intimacy so the place to talk about things that we don't always know how to talk about and you know little bit about men because you've been married 21, 26, 26 years and three sons, so you talk about finding the hero it's in your husband it's in your sons what we just described is that common that many men feel what I heard in my car that day that their wife loves them but maybe doesn't quite like them. Yeah, I would say that's very true, and I think to even get more to the heart of the issue is asking the question, does your wife respect you and I know that for some people respect is a trigger word because of the way it's been used but I think we have to understand that respect is really not just this.
So I agree with everything you say, but is understanding the heart of the man who needs to feel like his wife believes in him and that he's a competent person worth trusting.
I think guys want to be believed in. Even more than they want to be like just a hunch, and I think that's sort of what they were getting you. My question was using the word like compared to love yes but may, when you say that Julie is a man of Mikey. Yes, that's what we long for to be believed in. And for believed and were trusted affirmed encouraged rather discouraged and a man will run to wherever he's finding that right and the reason I didn't do that. Probably our first 15 years. Want to know why I seldom complimented you. I seldom thank you because I thought thanks me. I do everything around here and no one thinks me and I was stingy with my words of praise because I thought everybody's giving him supplies and everybody's telling him he so wonderful and he is he's good at everything he does and if I complement him or tell him I'm satisfied or find a hero and him he'll think all is good and that will enable him to stay the same and women feel that way they do. It's like, actually they feel like that's their job to knock him down if you not because we think it will motivate guests and it has the absolute opposite effect talk about that because it doesn't motivate us. Now I really, there's this element in you talked about this a little bit last time there's an element of a man who wants to become the person his wife sees and self I see and reflect my husband, you never getting get it right, even if everybody else in the will respect you. I don't you just never quite there.
Then my husband even emotion is going to stay in that place where is if I see him and projected him. This is who I see God created you to be. This is these are the good thing somebody speak life into unbelief.
Even though I seen the negative to he wants to become that and it's mysterious but I think when we really peel it back like why did God create men that way and this is kind of a crazy concept but the Scripture talks about how marriage is this reflection of Christ and the church and essentially you're supposed to be a reflection of Christ, the ultimate hero which is a guy that has just like talk about weighty overwhelming yeah now how you can get there and one the main ways that you get.
There is no life-giving words envision that your wife is speaking into you. I think it begins with your father and the words he speaks and then the power than Chi transfers to your wife and we don't understand this amazing power. God is given women in progress. 14. One says the wise woman builds her house, but with their own hands.
The foolish one territories down and I never would want to tear my house down.
My husband and my marriage down but there been times I haven't been wise with my power and I found myself doing just that me to, I've had a lot of women come up to me and they said as I've spoken about this, they said you don't understand.
There is nothing great in him like I can't see anything.
There is no hero. I don't see the hero and they will say and so you want me to lie wanted to fake it. How do you respond to that.
Julie yeah I think first of all, every man has this potential of hero within him and to certain extent it's his choice whether he can step into that are not, and our wounds play a part in that matter coming into marriage with their own fears and wounds that may or may not have been addressed in so it's not all on a woman to say I'm in a make you who you're going to be around him and so I don't want women to hear that but she can provide a nurturing place where that hero can be encouraged and called forth, and he still might say no, he still may not grow. He still may not soften his heart towards her.
But every man has that potential. And what I'm saying is that without realizing it.
A lot of us set our husbands up for not growing and really staying withdrawn or chasing other things that make them feel more like a hero. And yet, I think modern day today like video games are a way guys can feel like heroes virtually yeah they can conquer levels and I'm going after this status, and it's fake but it's playing into that need of being competent and being capable in achieving and accomplishing something that they're called to do in real life. And with that real life requires risk when you say that as a man young only guys I'm like it is so true in terms of not just my own life, but obviously in think my life it is of wash other husbands and men as well.
It's like if somebody asked me okay what has changed you to become a better man in your life. Obviously, I would say Jesus there's no transformation without the power of God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit.
My life. I would also put right up there. My wife's words.
My wife's beliefs and make I mean again.
We've already said earlier that for a long time I didn't hear that and I felt criticized and I sort of withdrew. I didn't rise up and you are thinking a motivating him by saying this and never getting the results you wanted, so is like that's not working again. I can't tell you what year, but there was a shift in her words. Proverbs 1821 the tongue has the power of life and death are words felt more like death before she started speaking life. I don't think I was that much of a better man.
She started speaking like I was a better man, and all I can tell you from experience is what Julia just said. I started becoming the man she said I was that I wasn't, yet she wasn't gone.
Now I see things on the speak it. She just started seeing things that maybe were always there, but she was critiquing. She started speaking, life finding the hero in me at all I know is I was motivated now is a man like while she believes in me, she really thinks I'm a good husband. I don't really think a much better than I want to know and so there's several things happen. One is I don't be at work as long you know was I going to go there to that place with that woman believes in me, I became a better husband. I became a better dad.
I started doing all the things that she was critiquing before but now saying I again you just sort of put the handle on. That's what happens. A man becomes what he hears is negative.
He sorta is there of his positive era is is an uncommon thing because it deftly withdrew my life. I think it's really common thing, and it's something that I had to learn his young life that even the way I phrase something was either a kind of a shut down for my husband or an invitation for him to rise up and be the hero. So for example being overwhelmed with the kids and not being all manage things I could say Mike wanted to help out more like I feel like I'm doing everything they that right there says failing as a father and husband you where I could say no honey I'm just feeling really overwhelmed I don't know if I can handle all this. I need help.
That's saying I'm inviting you to step in with your strength and save me in some ways, which is really what we want and it's what they want, that we love to be the séance and every time I do that my husband's like course I want to help you. Like I won't be there for you but if I just tweak it where it's critical. It's demanding, it's controlling like to shut them down. It just destroys intimacy. Let's do this.
Let's talk about some of the things our listeners are probably thinking okay but what about yes what about my husband who comes home every night, sits in front of the TV.
I do everything at my job, making dinner, putting the kids to bed, doing homework and he does nothing like how do I cheer and see the hero and that, or maybe you have some young wives and their husbands are playing video games all night long till two in the morning and they're trying to get his attention.
They're trying to talk but there's like, hey, I need to finish this level.
How do we find those heroes related last night set with a group of younger wives. They are there going through her book vertical merge and we were there and I so would you come as a one of the wife said that very think that my husbands watching videos of me playing video games, nonstop. So I walked in the room, took off my clothes and he just looked at me like, what are you doing this level of Mike and shakes like that to work, and heartbreak that you know the first thing I would say to a woman that perspective is and I know it sounds cliché, but it's so key is get on your knees before the Lord yes and ask for his help. Ask for his wisdom, because the kind of change that were talking about. This is not just a psychological principle or gimmicky thing you do in your marriage. It's really seeing God I'm lonely and I'm hurting and I don't know how to reach my husband, would you help me, would you help change my heart first and this is an everyday prayer.
It's not a one time that you think okay didn't work right. This is a continual prayer, Lord, help me saying that prayer get your eyes somewhat off your husband and on yourself. That's where it starts to me that's what the Scripture says before I confront my brother which I will do I need to first say God examined my heart because what so often happens is when we are disappointed in marriage over and over again like that we become resentful, we become hardhearted and without realizing it. We now are using our power to punish her husband to withhold affection with whole words of affirmation, it's just what we naturally do we go in a self protective mode and until I know that God's going to protect my heart. I can't reach out to my husband and saw a woman that tries to had these hard conversations still with the attitude of I gotta protect myself not God is giving me the strength God is helping me through this.
He's bringing wise women and mentors and friends into my life to encourage me. You're not can have the strength to make the changes that need to be made and so at such a critical step. Talk more about that self protection of our hearts.
What's that look like what we generally do we protect our hearts. We've got understand that we kind of touched on a little bit a man's need you know that. Do you believe in me a woman's need we really have two foundational needs in marriage at one of them is to feel valued. You see me do you appreciate me do you love me like that's the question. A woman's heart is asking every day and looking at her husband's actions and words and making a decision, but the second one is can I trust you. Can I trust my heart to you. Will you use your strength to protect me and to take care of me.
I can take care of myself but for me to be intimate with you means I don't want to have to take care of myself out of you and trust myself to you and we see beautifully the words of Scripture teaching husbands to do this to love and cherish your wife see her as a weaker vessel and again that's another trigger, but understanding that women have a vulnerability emotionally and even sexually. That puts them at risk in intimacy and so they have to be on the trust. The strength of their husband and when they've lived days and weeks and years of him being insensitive and nonresponsive. They don't feel safe to entrust the heart. This guy and so it becomes I've got to be strong.
I've got to use all my power to make sure I stay in control and stay guarded and in that situation. Intimacy is impossible.
So Julie, I'm right with you on this and then let's add I'm not feeling safe. He's not doing this on top of that he's continually struggling with porn. He's trying to win over that that he's telling me about it, but that makes me not feel safe. It makes me not want to give my heart. So what should a woman do. Are you saying like, let's just get on our knees. While I think that's where starts. But we also understand that marriage was never meant to be done alone and I think in today's culture. It's like me and you go out on this island and no one's no one's knowing what's happening between us. We don't talk about the real things with friends, marriage is meant to be done in community doesn't mean that there is not a sacred place for marriage between a husband and wife but there needs to be eyes on your marriage and women need other women in their lives that are encouraging them there helping them just focus on the Lord and just even that is this normal and this is happening your marriage or not, and they need wiser, older women, the Scripture say to encourage them and teach them like were doing things that we've learned over all these years the mistakes he made in the same is true of men. A woman should not be a husbands accountability partner when it comes to pornography. Yes, they need to have honest conversations about that bikinis other men in his life, challenging him helping him discipling him and so that prayer of God help us, is not I'm going to go in there and fix my husband but I need to have some honest conversations with him about the kind of help we need to get out of this cycle. We've been in for many years now and I think that conversation when you do have that conversation is exactly what he said.
Julie, you start with me. I'm feeling lost and unfeeling and meet Dave is that disrespecting if I said I feel lost work as a man, how would you want me to approach you. When I'm feeling those things, or alone because that can trigger you into feeling disrespected by: failing again my question this Julie is along that line is like okay as a man I want to be believed, and I want to be respected. I didn't realize it, but it's core is in the DNA of a man's soul. So don't talk about speaking words of life and believe in and ended that the power she has.
You have women have crazy, but there are moments when a wife needs to speak hard truth. Yeah, you know that treasure that need to be said, that may not sound very affirming her respect will, but it's also something a man needs from his wife.
Yes, so I don't really got so wimpy that way anytime she sensed something that is hurtful to her love just like all you're not respecting me you know I need to hear both how do you balance that yeah I love the visual of building a bridge so my words of encouragement to my husband lay down planks on that bridge and I can only walk as far as I built, though that's really good. So when I've built this sense of him trusting me, he knows that my heart is for him. He gives me now. Permission for me to say, hard things in a way that he can receive them, and there does come a place where in relationship. A woman has to say honey this is bothering me. Or I see this and is concerning me or I think we need to get some help on this. But even as I say, those those are not critical statements is not like you need to stop doing this. If you don't stop doing this, then I'm leaving but it's unconcerned about us and I feel lack of connection between us. I don't know if you're sensing that to my heart is just hurting because I know that we can be more. And so, again, is this invitation to a larger vision then where we are today and some guys are going to respond that really well and sometimes they're not. And then the next step is.
I get that that's your choice, but I'm in a go get some help and I want to grow as a wife because I know what I'm doing with my words and where I'm going with my heart is not healthy place that I remember we set a little bit about this, but even how and said words that could have been critique but she phrase in a way that was totally blended different. One time I was walking of the bedroom with her three little boys after like the bed praying with them little Devo. I mean they were 10 years or 12 years old and younger and she was in the hallway. I walk out of Jesus sitting there and she says this ghost man the power you have with our boys. They hang on every word. It's amazing just what you're doing in there, you're literally changing their life. That was it. I walked on the stairs.
That's all she said next night I'm running in the bedroom because she just reminded me your you're a good man. You have power your boys hang on you. Five years earlier. Here's how and where to set it.
What if you would get in there and do that every night with them. Similarly you yeah like if biblical what is more negative, like that's your job. You should do that more I don't know why you don't. I don't know if I ever going back up there, but the way she phrase I did know it in the moment you did, but it was like while she spoke, something that could've been critical in a positive way and it said many things I believe in you. I trust you your good man your powerful with these boys and wow way to go. It was like oh you mean. So there's what you're been saying you know there's this power that can motivate your man. But it the same way it could've been spoken, critical, and again as a man I should step up.
I should be of ticket come on you. I did them all life coaches yelled at me and you get better but man I like the French Lane lay leaders. One last question though, how many planks before you walk in the thing with the ratio to you that I maybe 5 to 1. At least, but I think it depends on what the momentum has been in your married nephew spent 10 years as being critical of manipulative and controlling with your husband it's going to take time to rebuild that trust and again that has to begin with the change in your heart which and it's obvious that that happen in your life and it really only happened through me being on my knees.
It was a surrender moment of Lord I give up. I've been trying to change Dave my intent was good. I can see the greatness and I wanted to be great if you got it made him to be and I thought I would motivating by my critique and it had no effect. And so it was also a humble like Lord. I've been feeling and I don't know how to do this and I also had friends come alongside me that we would listen to podcasts together or read, read a book, finding the hero your husband and we would pray like what we're feeling like we are feeling. So desperately that we'd also be real sing like my husband doesn't even get it or get me those conversations were so helpful and then at the end we just didn't completely dog her husband the whole time we would pray for each other and for each other's husbands and it felt like oh, I've got an army with me of people that are doing it with me and then I think that's so true Julie if you're listening to have an older women some of the older women listening. Maybe you failed at this but you have learned so much and there are so many younger women that are longing for a mentor longing for an older woman mom type of person I come into their lives and maybe it's a one person may be asked to gather them and encourage them and say this is what I didn't do this is what I did do well and pray for them. That really helps because we women we are powerful together more than alone and when we bring Jesus in and we submit and surrender our lives to him and we call out to him every time I see in the Bible when it says and they called out to the Lord, it always says, and he heard them. He may not have acted immediately the way they wanted him to that. It always has heard there is a God that hears every prayer, every cry every time you're alone weeping in your bed. She's there and he wants to meet you right where you are doing much for having me being the wife that God has called you to be in marriage or bring the husband God called you to be for that matter. Both of these require that we are doing life in community with others who can help point us in the right direction.
Who can remind us of what's true. Who can point us back to Jesus. When our eyes drop today. Dr. Julie Slattery has been talking with Dave and Ann Wilson about how wife can find the hero in her husband Dr. Slattery's written a book called finding the hero in your husband it's been revised and updated and we got copies of her book and her family luck today resource Center you can request your copy when you go email@example.com or call to order number is one 800 FL today at one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today. Don't forget Julie is good to be joining us again this February on the love like you mean it marriage cruise. This is a seven night cruise in the Caribbean back on the water were excited to be setting sail again from Port Canaveral with a great lineup of speakers like Julie Slattery, Alex and Stephen Kendrick Ron deal David and Wilson others were to be speaking artists and musicians really go be a great time together and we are starting to see the ship fill up and so we want to become the family luck today listers and say if you would like to join us and get away for a week together and who couldn't use a week together after what has been going on for the last couple years, right if you want to join us now is the time to sign up, you can save a little money if you register before Monday, October 4 to go to family luck today.com right now. For more information, call one 800 FL today if you'd like to register by phone if you have any questions give the number is one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life, amend the word today.
Oregon go online with family luck today.com and join us on the love like you mean it marriage cruise in February 2022.
Not tomorrow. Working to hear from John and Deborah for later about steps couples can take to protect their marriage relationship. Marriages are fragile and need protection and to hear some of the things John and Deborah have done to build a wall around their marriage to keep it safe. Hope you can tune in for about on behalf of our host Steven M Wilson on Bob team will see you back tomorrow for another edition of family life today.
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