Seeing My Husband As My Hero

So we'd been married about 15 years and struggling when you went to all your guy friends and you asked them a question about their wives. Do you remember? Yeah, you're gonna bring that up. Yeah.

Really? Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson, and I'm Dave Wilson, and you can find us at familylifetoday.com or on our Family Life app. This is Family Life Today. So these are guys I've been doing life with. They're all married, have kids. We're raising our kids together. We're in our mid 40s and literally on a trip to a funeral of one of our guys' dads.

And Ann and I are struggling, and I'm thinking all these things. So I say to the guys in the car, Hey, let me ask you a question. Do you guys feel like your wife loves you? Every guy immediately.

Yeah, no question. And I know their wives and other kids and other families. And so, you know, they're all like, Why yes, it's us. I go, I got another question.

Do you feel like your wife likes you? I'm thinking there were nine guys. All nine said nope. And I was like, wow.

And I know all their wives. I would have said, I like you. I love you too.

I just need you to tweak a few things. But I found it fascinating that it was immediately. Yeah, they love me. We're not getting a divorce. They're to death do us part. I mean, they're struggles, but they don't really like me. And I was feeling that so that, you know, they were like, Why did you ask? Because I'm like, Well, I don't really feel like Ann likes me either. So let's talk about that.

But I was shocked that it was that universal. Well, I'm excited today because we have Julie Slattery back with us today, talking about her book, Finding the Hero in Your Husband. Julie, welcome back to Family Life today. Good to be back with you again.

I'm glad you're here, too, because you're going to help us answer this question. But by the way, we just got to say this isn't your only book. You've written 10 books. And Authentic Intimacy is your website podcast, which is unbelievable. Oh, we didn't mention your podcast, Java with Julie. Tell us what's that about? Yeah, it's a real casual kind of coffee conversation around difficult issues, a lot of them involving sexuality and intimacy.

So that's kind of the place to talk about things that we don't always know how to talk about. And you know a little bit about men because you've been married 21? 26. 26 years, three sons. Yeah.

So you talk about finding the hero. It's in your husband. It's in your sons. What we just described is that common that many men feel what I heard in my car that day that their wife loves them, but maybe doesn't quite like them. Yeah, I would say that's very true. And I think to even get more to the heart of the issue is asking the question, does your wife respect you? And I know that for some people, respect is a trigger word because of the way it's been used. But I think we have to understand that respect is really not just this, oh, I agree with everything you say, but it's understanding the heart of a man who needs to feel like his wife believes in him and that he's a competent person worth trusting. I think guys want to be believed in even more than they want to be liked.

That's just a hunch. Yeah. And I think that's sort of what they were getting at.

You know, even my question was using the word like compared to love. But man, when you say that, Julie, as a man, I'm like, yes, that's what we long for to be believed in. And if we're believed in, we're trusted, affirmed, encouraged rather than discouraged.

And a man will run to wherever he's finding that. Yes. Right. And the reason I didn't do that, probably our first 15 years. I want to know.

Yeah, why? I seldom complimented you. I seldom thanked you because I thought, who thanks me?

I do everything around here and no one thanks me. And I was stingy with my words of praise because I thought everybody's giving him applause. Everybody's telling him he's so wonderful. And he is. He's good at everything he does.

I don't need to do that. If I compliment him or tell him I'm satisfied or find the hero in him, he'll think, oh, Ann's good. And that will enable him to stay the same. Yeah. A lot of women feel that way. Do they? Yeah, they do.

It's like, actually, they feel like it's their job to knock them down a few notches. Yeah, because we think it'll motivate them. Yes.

And it has the absolute opposite effect. Yeah. Talk about that because it doesn't motivate us.

No. Really, there's this element, and you talked about this a little bit last time, but there's an element of a man who wants to become the person his wife sees. And so if I see and reflect to my husband, you're never going to get it right.

Even if everybody else in the world respects you, I don't. You're just never quite there. Then my husband, even emotionally, is going to stay in that place, whereas if I see him and project to him, this is who I see God created you to be.

These are the good things I'm going to speak life into and believe, even though I see in the negative too. He wants to become that. And it's mysterious, but I think when we really peel it back, like, why did God create men that way? And this is kind of a crazy concept, but the scripture talks about how marriage is this reflection of Christ in the church. And essentially, you're supposed to be a reflection of Christ, the ultimate hero, which as a guy, that has to just feel like... Talk about waiting. Oh, it's overwhelming.

Yeah. But how are you going to get there? And one of the main ways that you get there is the life-giving words and vision that your wife is speaking into you. I think it begins with your father and the words he speaks, and then the power then kind of transfers to your wife. And we don't understand this amazing power God has given women. Proverbs 14, 1 says, the wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands, the foolish one tears hers down. And I never would want to tear my house down or my husband or my marriage down. But there have been times when I haven't been wise with my power, and I've found myself doing just that.

Yeah, me too. I've had a lot of women come up to me and they've said, as I've spoken about this, they've said, you don't understand, there's nothing great in him. Like, I can't see anything good. There is no hero. I don't see the hero. And they will say, and so you want me to lie?

You want me to fake it? How do you respond to that, Julie? Yeah, I think first of all, every man has this potential of hero within him. And to a certain extent, it's his choice whether he's going to step into that or not.

And our wounds play a part in that. Men are coming into marriage with their own fears and wounds that may or may not have been addressed. And so it's not all on a woman to say, I'm going to make you who you're going to become.

And so I don't want women to hear that. But she can provide a nurturing place where that hero can be encouraged and called forth. And he still might say no. He still may not grow.

He still may not soften his heart towards her. But every man has that potential. And what I'm saying is that without realizing it, a lot of us set our husbands up for not growing and really staying withdrawn or chasing other things that make them feel more like a hero. Yeah, I think modern day today, like video games are a way guys can feel like heroes virtually.

Yeah. And they can conquer levels and I'm going after this status and it's fake. But it's playing into that need of being competent and being capable and achieving and accomplishing something that they're called to do in real life. And that real life requires risk. When you say that as a man, you know, I'm the only guy sitting in here today. I'm like, it is so true in terms of not just my own life, but obviously I'm thinking my own life. But as I've watched other husbands and men as well, it's like if somebody asked me, okay, what has changed you to become a better man in your life? Obviously, I would say Jesus. There's no transformation without the power of God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit in my life.

But I would also put right up there my wife's words, my wife's beliefs in me. I mean, again, we've already said earlier that for a long time I didn't hear that and I felt criticized and I sort of withdrew. I didn't rise up. And you were thinking, I'm motivating him by saying this and never getting the results you wanted.

So it's like, that's not working. And again, I can't tell you what year, but there was a shift in her words. Proverbs 18, 21. The tongue has the power of life and death. Her words felt more like death before. She started speaking life. I don't think I was that much of a better man. She started speaking like I was a better man.

And all I can tell you from experience is what, Julie, you just said. I started becoming the man she said I was that I wasn't yet. Because she wasn't going, now I see things, I'm going to speak it. She just started seeing things that maybe were always there, but she was critiquing. She started speaking life, finding the hero in me. And all I know is I was motivated now as a man, like, wow, she believes in me. She really thinks I'm a good husband.

I don't really think I'm much better than I was a year ago. And so several things happened. One is I don't want to be at work as long.

You know, it's like I want to go there to that place where that woman believes in me. I became a better husband. I became a better dad. I started doing all the things that she was critiquing before, but now saying, again, you just sort of put a handle on that's what happens.

A man becomes what he hears. And if it's negative, he sort of stays there. And if it's positive, is that a common thing? Because it definitely was true in my life.

Yeah, I think it's really a common thing. And it's something that I had to learn as a young wife, that even the way I phrased something was either kind of a shutdown for my husband or an invitation for him to rise up and be the hero. So, for example, being overwhelmed with the kids and not being able to manage things, I could say, Mike, why don't you help out more? Like, I feel like I'm doing everything. That right there says you're failing as a father and a husband. Or I could say, you know, honey, I'm just feeling really overwhelmed.

I don't know if I can handle all this. I need help. That saying, I'm inviting you to step in with your strength and save me in some ways, which is really what we want and it's what they want. Yeah, we love to be the savior. Yeah, and so every time I do that, my husband's like, of course I want to help you.

Like, I want to be there for you. But if I just tweak it where it's critical, it's demanding, it's controlling, like, it just shuts him down. It just destroys intimacy. Let's do this. Let's talk about some of the things our listeners are probably thinking. OK, but what about? What about my husband who comes home every night, sits in front of the TV? I do everything after my job.

I'm making dinner, putting the kids to bed and doing homework. And he does nothing. Like, how do I cheer and see the hero in that? Or maybe you have some young wives and their husbands are playing video games all night long till two in the morning. And they're trying to get his attention. They're trying to talk, but there's like, hey, I need to finish this level.

How do we find those heroes? We literally last night sat with a group of younger wives. They're going through our book, Vertical Marriage, and we were there and they said, would you come? And so one of the wives said that very thing. She said, my husband's watching video, I mean, playing video games nonstop.

So I walked in the room, took off my clothes, and he just looked at me like, what are you doing? He goes, I need to finish this level. And she's like, that didn't even work.

So what would you say? Heartbreak, heartbreak. You know, the first thing I would say to a woman in that perspective is, and I know it sounds cliche, but it's so key, is get on your knees before the Lord and ask for His help. Ask for His wisdom.

Because the kind of change that we're talking about, this is not just a psychological principle or a gimmicky thing you do in your marriage. It's really saying, God, I'm lonely and I'm hurting and I don't know how to reach my husband. Would you help me?

Would you help change my heart first? And this is an everyday prayer. It's not a one time that you think, okay, it didn't work. This is a continual prayer.

Lord, help me. And are you saying that prayer gets your eyes somewhat off your husband and on yourself? That's where it starts. I mean, that's what the scripture says, is before I confront my brother, which I will do, I need to first say, God, examine my heart. Because what so often happens is when we are disappointed in marriage over and over again like that, we become resentful, we become hard-hearted, and without realizing it, we now are using our power to punish our husband, to withhold affection, withhold words of affirmation.

It's just what we naturally do. We go into self-protective mode. And until I know that God's going to protect my heart, I can't reach out to my husband. And so a woman that tries to have these hard conversations still with that attitude of, I've got to protect myself, not God is giving me the strength, God is helping me through this, he's bringing wise women and mentors and friends into my life to encourage me, you're not going to have the strength to make the changes that need to be made. And so it's such a critical step. Talk more about that self-protection of our hearts.

What's that look like? What do we generally do when we protect our hearts? We've got to understand that we kind of touched on a little bit a man's need, you know, that do you believe in me? A woman's need, we really have two foundational needs in marriage.

One of them is to feel valued. Do you see me? Do you appreciate me? Do you love me?

Like that's the question a woman's heart is asking every day and looking at her husband's actions and words and making a decision. But the second one is, can I trust you? Can I trust my heart to you? Will you use your strength to protect me and to take care of me? I can take care of myself, but for me to be intimate with you means I don't want to have to take care of myself. I want to be able to trust myself to you. And we see beautifully the words of Scripture teaching husbands to do this, to love and cherish your wife, to see her as a weaker vessel.

And again, that's another trigger. But understanding that women have a vulnerability emotionally and even sexually that puts them at risk in intimacy. And so they have to be able to trust the strength of their husband.

And when they've lived days and weeks and years of him being insensitive and nonresponsive, they don't feel safe to entrust their heart to this guy. And so it becomes, I've got to be strong. I've got to use all my power to make sure I stay in control and stay guarded. And in that situation, intimacy is impossible.

So Julie, I'm right with you on this. And then let's add, I'm not feeling safe. He's not doing this.

On top of that, he's continually struggling with porn. He's trying to win over that, but he's telling me about it. But that makes me not feel safe.

It makes me not want to give my heart. So what should a woman do? Are you saying, like, let's just get on our knees?

Well, I think that's where it starts. But we also have to understand that marriage was never meant to be done alone. And I think in today's culture, it's like me and you go out on this island and no one's knowing what's happening between us.

We don't talk about the real things with friends. Marriage was meant to be done in community. It doesn't mean that there's not a sacred place for marriage between a husband and wife. But there needs to be eyes on your marriage. Women need other women in their lives that are encouraging them, that are helping them just focus on the Lord and just even vet, is this normal? Does this happen in your marriage or not? They need wise or older women, the Scriptures say, to encourage them and teach them, like we're doing, the things that we've learned over all these years, the mistakes we've made. And the same is true of men. A woman should not be a husband's accountability partner when it comes to pornography.

Yes, they need to have honest conversations about that, but he needs other men in his life challenging him, helping him, discipling him. And so that prayer of God help us is not, I'm going to go in there and fix my husband, but I need to have some honest conversations with him about the kind of help we need to get out of this cycle we've been in for many years now. And I think that conversation, when you do have that conversation, it's exactly what you said, Julie.

You start with me. I'm feeling lost. And Dave, is that disrespecting if I said I feel lost? Or as a man, how would you want me to approach you when I'm feeling those things or alone? Because that can trigger you into feeling disrespected, like, oh, I'm failing again. Yeah, my question to ask Julie is along that line. It's like, OK, as a man, I want to be believed in.

I want to be respected. I didn't even realize it, but it's core. It's in the DNA of a man's soul. So, you know, we're talking about speaking words of life and believing.

And Anne did that. The power she has, you have, women have is crazy. But there are moments when a wife needs to speak hard truth, you know, that need to be said. That may not sound very affirming or respectful, but it's also something a man needs from his wife. Yes. So, I mean, I don't want to be the guy that's so wimpy that any time she says something that is hurtful to her, I'm just like, oh, you're not respecting me.

You know, I need to hear both. So how do you balance that? Yeah, I love the visual of building a bridge. So my words of encouragement to my husband lay down planks on that bridge. And I can only walk as far as I've built. That's good.

That's really good. So when I've built this sense of him trusting me, he knows that my heart is for him. It gives me now permission for me to say hard things in a way that he can receive them. And there does come a place where in relationship, a woman has to say, honey, this is bothering me or I see this and it's concerning me or I think we need to get some help on this. But even as I say those, those are not critical statements. It's not like you need to stop doing this.

If you don't stop doing this, then I'm leaving. But it's I'm concerned about us and I feel lack of connection between us. I don't know if you're sensing that, too, but my heart is just hurting because I know that we can be more. And so, again, it's this invitation to a larger vision than where we are today. And some guys are going to respond to that really well and sometimes they're not. And then the next step is I get that. That's your choice.

But I'm going to go get some help. And I want to grow as a wife because I know what I'm doing with my words and where I'm going with my heart is not a healthy place. And I remember and we've said a little bit about this, but even how Ann said words that could have been critique. But she phrased it in a way that was totally landed different. I remember one time I was walking out of the bedroom with our three little boys after, like, putting them to bed, praying with them, doing a little devo.

I mean, they were 10 years or 12 years old and younger. And she was in the hallway and I walk out and she's just sitting there and she says this. She goes, man, the power you have with our boys, they hang on every word. It's amazing just what you're doing in there. You're literally changing their life. That was it. I walked down the stairs. That's all she said. Next night, I'm running in that bedroom because she just reminded me, you're a good man. You have power. Your boys hang on you. Five years earlier, here's how Ann would have said it.

You know what? If you would get in there and do that every night with them. You're supposed to. Like it's biblical.

She would have said it more negative. Like, that's your job. You should do that more. I don't know why you don't. I don't know if I've ever gone back up there, but the way she phrased it, I didn't know it in the moment. I don't even know if you did. But it was like, wow, she spoke something that could have been critical in a positive way.

And it said many things. I believe in you. I trust you. You're a good man. You're powerful with these boys.

And wow, way to go. It was like rather than boo, you know what I mean? So I thought there's what you've been saying. You know, there's this power that can motivate your man. But at the same way, it could have been spoken critical. And again, as a man, I should step up.

I should be able to take it. Come on. You know, I did that my whole life.

Coaches yell that, man, you get better. But I like the bridge. I like laying those planks. Here's one last question, though. How many planks before you can walk on that thing? What's the ratio, do you think?

Oh, I maybe five to one at least. But I think it depends on what the momentum has been in your marriage. You know, if you spent 10 years just being critical, manipulative and controlling with your husband, it's going to take time to rebuild that trust. And again, that has to begin with a change in your heart, which and it's obvious that that happened in your life. And it really only happened through me being on my knees. It was a surrender moment of, Lord, I give up.

I've been trying to change Dave. My intent was good. I could see the greatness. And I wanted him to be great of who God had made him to be. And I thought I would motivating by my critique.

And it had no effect. And so it was also a humble, like, Lord, I've been failing and I don't know how to do this. And I also had friends come alongside me that we would listen to podcasts together, or we'd read a book, Finding the Hero in Your Husband. And we would pray like, Lord, we are failing, like we are failing so desperately. But we'd also be real, saying like, I feel like my husband doesn't even get it or get me. Those conversations were so helpful. And then at the end, we just didn't completely dog our husbands the whole time.

We would pray for each other and for each other's husbands. And it felt like, oh, I've got an army with me of people that are doing it with me. And then I think that's so true, Julie, if you're listening to have an older woman, some of you older women listening. Maybe you have failed at this, but you have learned so much.

And there are so many younger women that are longing for a mentor, longing for an older woman, a mom type of person, like come into their lives and maybe it's a one person, maybe it's two. But gather them and encourage them and say, this is what I didn't do. This is what I did do well. And pray for them. That really helps because we women, man, we are powerful together, more than alone. And when we bring Jesus in and we submit and surrender our lives to him and we call out to him every time I see in the Bible, when it says and they called out to the Lord, it always says, and he heard them.

He may not have acted immediately the way they wanted him to, but it always says and he heard them. There is a God that hears every prayer, every cry, every time you're alone, weeping in your bed. He's there and he wants to meet you right where you are and help you.

Yeah. Thank you, Julie. Thank you so much for having me. Being the wife that God has called you to be in marriage or being the husband God's called you to be for that matter, both of these require that we are doing life in community with others who can help point us in the right direction, who can remind us of what's true, who can point us back to Jesus when our eyes drop. Today, Dr. Julie Slattery has been talking with Dave and Ann Wilson about how a wife can find the hero in her husband.

Dr. Slattery has written a book called Finding the Hero in Your Husband. It's been revised and updated, and we've got copies of her book in our Family Life Today Resource Center. You can request your copy when you go online at familylifetoday.com or call to order. Our number is 1-800-FL-TODAY.

That's 1-800-358-6329, 1-800-F as in Family, L as in Life, and then the word TODAY. And don't forget, Julie is going to be joining us again this February on the Love Like You Mean It Marriage Cruise. This is a seven-night cruise in the Caribbean, back on the water. We're excited to be setting sail again from Port Canaveral with a great lineup of speakers like Julie Slattery and Alex and Stephen Kendrick, Ron Deal, Dave and Ann Wilson, others who are going to be speaking, artists, musicians, really going to be a great time together. And we are starting to see the ship fill up, and so we wanted to come to Family Life Today listeners and say, if you would like to join us and get away for a week together, and who couldn't use a week together after what has been going on for the last couple of years, right? If you want to join us, now is the time to sign up.

You can save a little money if you register before Monday, October 4th. So go to familylifetoday.com right now for more information or call 1-800-FL-TODAY if you'd like to register by phone or if you have any questions. Again, the number is 1-800-358-6329.

1-800-F as in Family, L as in Life, and then the word TODAY. Or again, go online at familylifetoday.com and join us on the Love Like You Mean It Marriage Cruise in February of 2022. Now tomorrow, we're going to hear from John and Deborah Faleta about steps couples can take to protect their marriage relationship. Marriages are fragile and need protection, and we're going to hear some of the things John and Deborah have done to build a wall around their marriage to keep it safe. Hope you can tune in for that. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Bob Lapine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life, a crew ministry, helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.