Alright, I'm sort of excited today. Why? Because we get to talk about Ann Wilson's top parenting mistakes.
Oh, that's not exciting. It is for me because we've already, you know, we've talked about mine. It's always my mistakes. It's like never did Ann Wilson make a mom mistake. I made so many and I shared them in our book.
I could go on for days. No, I shared them in our book. There's a chapter in No Perfect Parents that we wrote. I wrote. You didn't write this chapter. It was the top parenting mistakes that I made.
You didn't write any. That's because we were out of words by that point. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson and I'm Dave Wilson, and you can find us at familylifetoday.com or on our Family Life app.
This is Family Life Today. The publisher said we can only have so many words. That's why I'm excited. People are going to hear that actually, Ann, and you know, as a mom, you made some mistakes. And so we're going to dive into that. Actually, before we do, though, I want to tell you about something that's really exciting because I know you like us as parents.
You make mistakes. You have questions. We always have questions. And we have something to help you with your questions. It's called You Asked It, the No Perfect Parents edition.
Maybe you've got a terrible tooth, you know, you're dealing with that or trying to figure out if your son or daughter should have a cell phone or how about dating? Yeah, or should we allow sleepovers? Yeah, you got it. So here's where you go. Go to familylife.com slash parents ask, and there's a free printable download there of answers to those kind of questions that really help you because we want to help you. And that's what we're about.
So you can go there even right now and get some answers to your questions. I'll tell you again, familylife.com slash parents ask. OK, let's talk about some mistakes that you feel like you made as a mom. Well, let me first say that, you know, I think that we can kick ourselves and we can have a lot of regrets in parenting. And let's just start by saying thank you, Jesus, that you give us do-overs, that the cross gives us grace and that we can be forgiven for the mistakes that we've made. But I do have some mistakes and regrets that I want to share because I want to help other moms maybe.
Hey, let me ask you this as you start. Do you feel like the mistakes you made are things that really messed up our kids for life? I'm surprised you have to think about that. No, I mean, I can think that like, man, that's my fault. When I see my adult kids struggling, I can actually think like, did I do that? And I think it's one of our biggest fears as a parent.
Yeah. You know, they're going to end up derailed because of some of the mistakes we made as parents. But we have also prayed like, oh, Lord, don't let him remember these mistakes, you know, help them to forget the things that I failed.
And the good news is Jesus is enough and God is enough. And we've asked forgiveness from our kids and they have forgiven us multiple times. Yeah. In other words, we've had to apologize. Yes. And say we made some mistakes. Yeah. And some of them really are in their adult years, things that they still are struggling with.
And it wasn't easy always for them to forgive us. Right? Yeah. Yeah. All right.
So let's talk about. OK, here's the first one that I really regret this and I didn't know that I was doing it. I felt like I yelled at my kids when they were little. And that didn't seem like it was a part of me. I think some parents, you're listening to that and you think, what? You yelled? I've never yelled at my kids. And others of you are thinking, of course you yell. That's what we do because they can drive us crazy at times. So it's not just that I yelled, but the thing that I regret is the reason I think I yelled when they were really little was it was displaced anger and frustration about our marriage. So somehow this comes back to me. You're saying the reason you yelled at our kids is because of me.
That's what I just heard. I think that I let and we let our marriage slip. I did. I'm going to take full responsibility because I really feel like all these regrets go together. I feel like I put our kids first and I didn't mean to.
It's just hard as a mom to not put your kids first because they're so demanding and their needs are so great, especially when they're little. And I found myself resentful that you weren't helping more or resentful that you were gone. And I felt like I'm doing everything around here. And I don't know if any of you moms have done this, that are married, but I would find myself in my head a lot, really degrading you, complaining about you in my head.
Did you ever do that about me? I don't think men do it as much. I don't know if I did it as much, but I know I did it. And I do know we've talked about this. I did feel second.
You know, like the boys were first. And I know it took a lot of time and energy and you were exhausted, especially when they're babies and toddlers. And sometimes I liked them more than I like you because I was resentful that you were gone a lot.
I mean, I just wonder how many husbands feel that way. I know I felt it. I don't feel it now. There are times I can feel it now, even with the grandkids.
They're pretty important. But I do remember, I mean, I don't know if you remember this, I remember your dad being up at our house and he sort of said that to you. Oh, no, you're going to bring this up. His name is Dick Baron and Dick and I had never talked about this, but we're sitting at the dinner table and he just makes this comment.
Yeah. Well, you know, we're eating and I had made a nice meal for everybody. And my dad said, wow, I feel sorry for Dave.
And I said, what do you mean? And he said, you treat your kids way better than you treat Dave. I was so defensive. And I said, oh, my goodness, dad, that's because mom spoiled you rotten and you were like the king. And she was like the doormat. I said that to him.
I was so mad. And I said, I'm not treating Dave poorly. And he just said, OK. All I know is I love that man at that moment.
I was like, I can't believe he's saying that, because like I said, we had never talked about it, but he obviously noticed something. Well, I remember going to bed that night and praying. And this is the great part of God.
He's such a good father and he's a gentle father, but he's a truthful father. And I prayed that night and I said, Lord, if that's true, like I know that Dave and my marriage is supposed to come first. So if that's true, I pray that you would reveal that to me, like just, I don't know, give me a sign, let somebody say something, show me in the word. Somebody already did say something. It was your dad. Well, they needed confirmation. And so. Oh, yeah, I remember this, too.
This is sort of fun. Just a few days later, this letter came in the mail from my dad. I had never at that point received a letter in my life from my dad. And I thought, this is crazy.
Why would my dad be writing me? And I opened this letter and it's one of those old Ann Landers newspaper clippings. And in this newspaper clipping, a man writes into Ann Landers, not knowing what to do, because his wife treats his kids so much better than him. And then Ann Landers goes on, and I'm not saying that she's the end all, you know, she's not like, I don't know where she is spiritually, but she says, this is a real temptation to so many women, you know, to treat your kids better than your husband.
But we need to put our marriages first. And I put that clipping down and I just kind of said, Lord, is this really from you? And I really think it was.
And it was a real eye opening experience for me that I felt like God was really speaking to me. And so you're saying that part of your frustration with the kids was really an extension of your frustration with me. Yeah, I was frustrated with you. I was frustrated that we didn't have enough time together, frustrated that I didn't think you were helping as much.
And so I would just yell and I'd be frustrated with the boys more. It's really easy to be in our heads and complaining in our heads. We might not be verbally speaking it out loud, but it starts in our heads. Proverbs 23, seven says, For as a man thinks in his heart, so is he.
Matthew 15, 18 says, The words you speak come from the heart. And so I was thinking about that this one day as I was folding clothes. I did this a lot. I'm folding clothes and I'm complaining about my marriage. Dave's not home enough and he should be doing this.
And I wish he was with the boys more. And I felt this nudge and I had this thought in my spirit. Wonder what would happen if you would pray for Dave as much as you complain about him?
That stopped me. I stopped folding clothes and I just sat there and thought, is that from God? Is that? And I really thought like my marriage would probably be a lot different because what I was thinking in my head, it eventually came out of my mouth with our kids and with you. So what happened? I don't know. Do you think I got better?
I know you got better. I don't know when. I can't remember. It's a long time ago.
I think it was a process. And it was another time. God is so gracious. Another time I'm mowing the grass.
And wait, wait, let me just stop. The listener just went, You are mowing the grass. Dave's not mowing the grass. Your kids aren't mowing the grass. You, the mom and wife are mowing the grass. And I got to say, they weren't old enough to mow the grass.
They weren't old enough, but I was. That I could have. And I actually did mow the grass. But I got to be honest, you love mowing.
Well, that's what happened. I was mowing the grass and thinking, I have to do everything around here. And suddenly I had this thought and I feel like it was a nudge from Holy Spirit. And I felt like I had this thought of, do you like mowing the grass? And then I was answering myself, I love mowing the grass. And then the thought came, then what are you complaining about?
And it was like, oh, yeah. You see, I feel like there's an enemy of our soul who's continually, maybe I don't know if this happens, but I feel like he's whispering these thoughts into my head, complaining. And then it's like this little seed.
And will I water it and let it germinate to sprout? Because God is saying, take your thoughts captive, because what we think we'll say. So what would you say to the mom and the wife that's struggling right now? Same thing you are. They're complaining about their husband. He doesn't do enough. He's not home. You know, whatever.
It could be similar to ours. And she's really taking it out on the kids as well. And let me add, like, I never harmed our kids. I never hit our kids. I was not even verbally abusive with our kids. And you really didn't yell.
No, not very much. You raised your voice some. I would say to start listening to your thoughts. Like, what are you thinking about in terms of your marriage, your relationship?
What's going into your mind? And I would also say, put on praise music. Start your day by saying, God, I give you my day. Help me to see my husband and my kids the way you do and help me say the things that you would say to my husband and my kids. That's really helped me. And the other thing I would do is my next regret.
Well, let me before you go your next regret, I would just add this. As I think back about those days, I did feel second to the kids. But I also feel like I did not bring the energy that I should have to helping you as a mom to be your partner and as a dad. Of course, I was there, but I wasn't there a lot. And even when I was there, you know, I didn't bring my full self. I wasn't fully present.
My mind was still at work or I was on the phone or I just wasn't fully present. And so part of me is like, you should have been mad because I wasn't helping. And if I could go back and I want to say to the dad or husband right now, step up, dude, step up and be her partner. And again, mom's listening.
Don't just now pass it all on him. It's really easy to say, see, that's what I need to hear. But I would just say to the guys, man, oh, man, you have a window of time that these kids are in your home and your wife needs you and they need you.
And it's easy to step back and say, oh, she thinks the kids are more important. And sometimes it's because we're not helping. If we step up and help, I tell you what, it ignites something in you for me, right? Yeah. It's like, man, he's my partner. He's with me in this thing. He's not just providing, but he's actually being a partner and a dad and a leader. OK, that's one mistake.
What's another one? I wish that I would have had older women in my life that could speak into me and mentor me. And I did have older women, but I didn't have any in close proximity to me. I had peers alongside of me.
But honestly, what happened is we would get together and we would be like, so how are you doing? And then we would have this complaining session about how our lives are so hard. Our work is so hard. Our husbands aren't helping as much.
And we try to be accountable. But there's something about going to an older woman who can really speak truth to you. I would save that up. And I can remember going to our speaker retreats for the weekend to remember conferences where all the speakers would gather and we would kind of do training and kind of catch up with everyone. And Barbara Rainey was always there.
And so is Susan Yates, older moms in the stage ahead of me. And I would sit down at the table with them and like, OK, here are my questions. Here's what's going on. And I would just dump a lot of stuff and get phenomenal answers. But I wish I would had somebody maybe that I would meet with once a week or call once a week, somebody that could say, I hear you and maybe speak some truth to me. Like, Anne, this isn't about Dave.
This is about your walk with God or just some simple truth. And somebody say, I hear what you're saying. I know you're venting. Now let's really pray and ask God to give you direction. So how would you encourage a mom to find that woman?
Because, you know, obviously I agree. I can remember doing the family life weekend to remember in Hershey, Pennsylvania, with Bob Lapine and Dennis Rainey and us. And we had adult kids and they were married. And Saturday night, when the couples went out on a date, we went back to the hotel room with Bob and Dennis. And we started talking about being parents of married children and in-laws. And it was just like, oh, my goodness.
It was so good. They shared wisdom, struggles, highs, lows. It was like we're talking to somebody who's a little farther ahead of us. And we've always said in discipleship, you need somebody in front of you, somebody beside you and somebody behind you. Every disciple needs a Paul, a Barnabas, and a Timothy, somebody that can help them.
They're a little further down the track and they can mentor and guide somebody beside you that sharpens. And then somebody behind you you're pouring into. So you're saying that about a mom.
How do you find that? Well, we didn't have that. One of the reasons, and this shouldn't be an excuse, I should have gone and found a person. But we started our church and we were some of the oldest people.
And I think we had one couple that was older and that was it. So I think the way to do it is, one, your church. I think there's older moms, older women that have been through it and maybe they're not perfect.
None of them are, actually, but they have a lot of wisdom. I would be so bold as just to ask for that. I know that a lot of churches have a mops group, moms of preschoolers, and that can even go to an older age. There are churches that have a lot of these kind of things.
And so if you find a mom and you think, man, she's been through it or she's just a stage ahead of me, call her, text her, ask her, hey, could I text you or could we get together once in a while for coffee? I remember when our boys were really, really little. And again, we were starting our church. I didn't know how to be a dad.
I never really had an example. I would literally look for teenagers that I hoped our kids would be like when they were teenagers. I remember this. And find their dad and say, can I buy you lunch? And every guy said, sure, because everybody wants a free lunch. So I'd take them out and I'd ask them questions. And they mentored me. And some of them stayed in my life for years as a mentor. So, I mean, in some ways, it's on us to go ask. I remember asking Barbara one summer. I said, our kids are in the state where they're just hitting each other.
These three boys. I feel like it's insane at our house. And she kind of shook her head and she goes, oh, yeah, that's just a stage. You know, it'll get better. And that just took off all this pressure that I was doing something wrong. And I can also remember asking her, hey, so our boys are going to get married soon.
Any advice? And I'll never forget this. She said, oh, you have daughter-in-laws coming in. It's going to take several years. Years.
I remember Susan Yates saying, oh, it could be five to seven years until that adjustment period feels a little more comfortable. And, you know, we mentioned it earlier in the broadcast, but this would be a great chance to go to familylife.com slash parents ask and let us be a mentor to you. Let family life. I mean, that's what we're here to do is to help you so you can do that. OK, we're talking about the mistakes that Ann Wilson made as a mom. We've already covered a couple.
We got time maybe for one more. Our son was going to a Bible school and he called me and he said, you know, I've really been struggling and I've really been getting into my past junk. And I'm like, OK, yeah. And he said, and mom, I feel like you so often cared more about what I was doing right or wrong in high school and in middle school. Like you didn't care about my heart as much as if I was getting in trouble or not, which then made me think, do you care more about your image or do you care more about my heart?
That one was really hard. And he said, you know, like I messed up sometimes in high school. And I would say all of our kids would say this. You are so scared that we would mess up. You are so scared. And he goes, why were you so scared? And I said, I thought it was because I didn't want you to suffer consequences. And maybe it was because I cared what people thought of us and our family and honestly, just my parenting. And I asked him, what do you wish I would have done? And he said, I know you're so close to me. You knew us and you could see when we were struggling. I wish that you would have asked me what's going on in my heart more instead of what are you doing? What did you do last night? Are you struggling with porn?
Are you doing stuff with your girlfriend? And I didn't ask it like that. But I think that's how they heard it.
And I don't know if he would have had or they would have had the capacity to say what was going on in their hearts. But I wish I would have just dug down a little deeper and asked that. And even after that, I think I was a little bit defensive in like, well, you know, as a mom, it is scary. And I stopped and I just said, OK, I just need to say I'm really sorry.
You're right. I was petrified of hearing stories of kids that have done things that had really wrecked their lives. And I was really scared that you guys could fall into that.
But Jesus is bigger than that. And please forgive me. And they were great. Like, they've all been really great with forgiving us and me. And I thank God that they're dealing with that and that they have come to me and said those things. And I tell you what, we've had several conversations like that with our sons over dinner table or on the phone. And recently we sat down with our youngest son, Cody, and he shared some of his thoughts on parenting and some of the things he's actually said to us. You get to hear some of the things we did that were hard for him. He was honest with us and we recorded a conversation and I think it would be really, really helpful for parents to listen from a perspective of a son. And that's only found on our Family Life app. And so you can go there and listen to that conversation.
I think it will be life changing. Maybe it's something you want to listen to with one of your kids. And I would really encourage you as parents, like sit down with your kids and as they're sharing, really listen. Like I think about our middle schoolers, our high schoolers, the temptations, the struggles, the pressure they feel.
They feel incredible pressure to perform, to have friends, to know, like, how do I live the Christian life when it feels like it's going the opposite way of culture? They have so much that they're feeling and dealing with. I think that we need to really dig down and ask them some great questions and then try not to parent out of fear. Yeah, I would just say to the moms and dads, and it's hard to do, but every decision your son or daughter is making is based on a reason. There's something behind that behavior that's driving that. And what we learned is we sort of missed going for the heart. And by the way, every decision we make, same thing. There's a reason.
So as a parent, man, do the extra work to lean in and say, why are you making that decision? I love what our producer Jim Mitchell says to his kids. He usually says, like, tell me how your heart is. And I love that.
I'm like, oh, I wish I had done that. That's a great question. How's your heart doing? So that could be homework for some parent today, tonight. Sit down, go out to lunch, take your son or daughter to dinner and really listen for their heart.
It could be life changing. Yeah. And let's thank God for the grace of the cross that Jesus offers us forgiveness and he offers us do-overs. And he loves us regardless of what we've done or said or what we've missed.
He's there for us. It is so easy for us as parents to be focused on our children's behavior. I mean, we want them to act right.
We want them to behave. And yet, as Dave and Ann Wilson were saying, it's really the heart that matters. And that's where our focus needs to be as we're raising our children.
And then we need to remind ourselves of the grace of God for the mistakes that all of us will make. There are no perfect parents. In fact, that's the title of David and Wilson's new book. No Perfect Parents Ditch Expectations, Embrace Reality and Discover the One Secret That Will Change Your Parenting. We have copies of their book available in our Family Life Today Resource Center. We also have a small group series for moms and dads to go through with other moms and dads. It's called The Art of Parenting, and it's a six part series that helps you get to the core of the key issues we all face as parents. Find out more about the book No Perfect Parents and The Art of Parenting video series for small groups. Go to familylifetoday.com.
If you buy both of those together today, they're available for a special price. Again, go to familylifetoday.com for more information. Order from us online or call to order. 1-800-FL-TODAY is the number.
That's 1-800-358-6329, 1-800-F as in family, L as in life, and then the word TODAY. We've got David Robbins, who's the president of Family Life, here with us. And David, I know you and Meg are raising your four kids right now, and I know as parents you're always looking for resources, things like the book that David and Wilson have just written, No Perfect Parents.
Oh, yeah, we are in the thick of it. And the great thing about Dave and Ann and the book that they have written is that they always come from a really honest place. There's no posturing.
There's no prescriptive ways that it all goes about. There's honesty and honesty that is met with the truth found in the word of God and how those two things meet in real life. What I say about the Wilsons often is they are like Sherpas who have been there before, but then they journey with you again. They take you to a place that you haven't been yet, and they're not just talking down from the mountaintop at you.
They're actually with you still in the trenches, yet taking you to a place that they have seen before. And I'm just so grateful for them in our own lives. And I'm really thankful that they're part of the team. I'm thankful that you get to hear from them every day who they are when it comes to bringing biblical truth and how that meets in everyday life and helping you pursue the relationships that matter most. It's one of the biggest reasons why I'm so grateful they're part of the team and that you get to hear from them every day.
And I think this is the first time I've heard them referred to as Sherpas, but I like that that may stick. Thank you, David. And thanks to those of you who make the ministry of family life today possible by supporting us financially.
You are the ones who are providing the help and the hope for so many people, so many couples all around the world through your financial support. So we're grateful for that. And we've got to wrap things up this week. Thanks for joining us. Hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship together in your local church this weekend. And I hope you can join us back on Monday when Dave and Ann Wilson are going to talk about what we do to strengthen our marriage in the middle of challenging times. I mean, whether it's personal challenges or the kind of challenges we've all faced as a country over the last couple of years.
How do we build a stronger marriage in the midst of that environment? That comes up Monday. Hope you can be with us for that. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Bob Lapine. We will see you Monday for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life, a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.
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