Parenting Kids With Anxiety

I feel like you have never been anxious. I feel like you're one of the most laid-back, easygoing people I know.

Is that true? Yeah, let's close in prayer and we'll be done. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson. And I'm Dave Wilson, and you can find us at familylifetoday.com or on our Family Life app.

This is Family Life Today. You know, I always prided myself on being the two-minute quarterback. You know, being a college quarterback and that two-minute drill, you've got to be the calm, no anxiety. And I feel like in some ways I was wired that way. But remember the night, and I mentioned it here before on Family Life Today, the night before my back surgery.

Yes. You talk about anxiety. I had never seen you like that.

You're right. Yeah, I mean, it was one of those moments where when I look back later, it's like, wow, that's what people feel a lot. I just got a glimpse of it that night where I was fearful. You know, I should have never done this, but I go on YouTube and look at a back surgery.

I'm like, okay, I don't need to know that part of it. But as I laid there first thing in the morning, I got to check in at the hospital. I was gripped. And you weren't in bed yet.

You were downstairs. So I was alone and I picked up scripture and I didn't really know where I wanted to go. And I ended up in Psalm 34. And God really used that to help my anxiety. But one of the things that I noticed in Psalm 34, I'll read you one of the passages. David wrote this psalm and David says, I prayed to the Lord and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears, which means David had anxiety. Goodness, if you read the Psalms, that's very true because he's so transparent and he oozes emotion. And I think there were times he was really probably anxious and depressed.

Yeah. And so obviously scripture there in that moment helped relax me. I remember being able to go to sleep, but knowing that others had gone through it, because you sort of think the guys in the Bible, the women in the Bible, they're sort of perfect. They never struggled like this.

Of course, they never had back surgery. They would have loved to have had it. But, you know, the fact that he's saying I've had fears and anxiety and the Lord met me there, he met me there as well. And so to talk about this in our own lives as as husbands and wives, moms and dads, but especially thinking of our children, going through anxiety that that is that intense, maybe unaware in our own house that our daughter could be in bed feeling what I felt or our son. We need help. And we have Sissy Goff with us again, back on Family Life Today. Glad you're with us again. Me too.

I could do 10 of these. It's just so fun to talk to y'all. Because I like where we're going today is we're going to get into some real practical things. And we have been doing that, Sissy. You've given us some real tools. You've given us help with our daughters, with our sons, and really with us as parents of knowing what to do. So we want to dive deeper into that today. And Sissy's a therapist and she's been counseling us for the last whole week.

If you haven't listened to our earlier podcast this week, go back and listen to them because they're really helpful. And her latest book is called Brave, a teen girl's guide to beating worry and anxiety. We've had a great time this week talking about all kinds of things. And I thought it was just going to be adolescent girls or boys, but it's also us.

I mean, we're talking about the places we live. That's been one of the most fun kinds of feedback I've gotten from folks when they've read the books, especially the parent book Raising Worry-Free Girls. So many parents have said, I started reading for my daughter and realized that I have anxiety.

And it's been so helpful for me, which I love that because anything's going to trickle down. Anyway, we're learning and growing. And we're learning more and more about anxiety now, aren't we, than ever before. Why didn't we know about it before? What happened? We didn't know about so many things before.

Even how the brain functions and what's happening neurologically has been really helpful and opened a lot of doors of understanding. It's been interesting, this past month I've had two friends sit with me talking about their teenage daughters who have been just this joy to raise. They've been great girls, but now both moms have 16-year-old daughters. And they are, for the first time, struggling really horribly with anxiety and depression. The one mom said, I don't know what to do. And the mom was in tears.

And as parents, if we've walked through this, you know what it's creating in your own life, the worry, the fear, and the anxiety in yourself. But she was saying she's dropped out of all of her sports. She no longer wants to do anything as a family.

She's holed up in her bedroom, won't come out. And the mom was saying, and then the other night she said, I don't see any purpose for me even being here anymore. Which then, as a parent, that escalates all of our fear and anxiety.

And the other one said, my daughter just found out that she has a learning disability. She's struggling being back in school now after the pandemic. And this anxiety has risen, and we don't know what to do. And again, she doesn't want to do anything, and she doesn't talk to us. And I have felt ill-equipped in the past other than saying, man, I'm going to be praying. I'm going to be fasting for your daughter.

I've heard of some resources, but I feel like today we can really give some great resources. But as parents, I think we all have the question, when should we take our kids to a therapist? How do we know? I think my answer today would be different than it would have been pre-pandemic. And what we saw, we talked about this a little bit before, but going into the pandemic, I was most worried about elementary age girls because they were the ones who were feeling so much anxiety. Then as it started, that adolescence anxiety just skyrocketed in them.

And then they ended up being isolated. And as we all know, for teenagers, I think what brings them to life are their peers so much of the time. And so all of this has done such a number on these kids. And so many of the girls that I see have been through exactly the same process that you described.

Really? Yes. It started as anxiety, and then it went on long enough that it's bled over into depression. And so, I mean, I think if you're listening today and you're thinking, should I take my child to counseling? Honestly, I wrote all of these anxiety books as kind of a first pass. Like, if you're wondering, could my child have anxiety?

Could this be what's going on? Then buy the book. And I jokingly talk about in the books that they're meant to work people like me out of a job. I mean, my hope, it really is like we've talked about the first few months of counseling.

It's what I do in my office. So if that's if your child has anxiety, I would start there or you think they might. And then if you're using these strategies, because there are some real practical things, if you're doing that for three months and it feels like you're making no progress, that's when I would call somebody.

Okay. But if it feels like it's spilling over into depression, especially the times that I get most concerned about adolescents is when they're isolating. And let me let me give a caveat to that, because teenagers are tricky because you all know you've raised them. They're pulling away. They're pulling away and they want more privacy than they've ever wanted.

And they're less responsive at home than anywhere else. So they look depressed when they're with you. Just by nature of being teenagers.

We have a book called Raising Girls and we call girls in those years the narcissistic years. I mean, they just are. They're difficult. And a lot of that's happening inside of them and they feel it, too.

It's not just on us. But I think when I get concerned about the teenager is when it's not just at home. Okay. When their sadness, when their soul-ness exists among their friends, when the things that they have loved don't feel like they bring them pleasure anymore, when they're pulling out of activities. And especially if they say anything like, I don't want to be here anymore. Life doesn't feel worth it. And if they're hurting themselves in any way, I mean, I would immediately pick up the phone and call a counselor.

Okay. And how do we know what's the difference between anxiety and depression? Depression often is more of that kind of lifelessness. It's a withdrawal from a lot of things. It's a sadness that they just can't shake.

Okay. Whereas anxiety will really kind of ramp them up more typically and they're more agitated. It's going to come out as anger. And you're hearing them talk about certain themes over and over and over, like we talked about that loop. So there are certain things that you can tell are making them more anxious. And so as you're sitting, you know, either with a parent or with an adolescent, let's go adolescent girl, we're on teenage girls. So let's talk about a 13, 14, 15-year-old girl and it doesn't seem to be getting through. I mean, do you ever find like it's getting blocked, getting blocked? Because I know parents sometimes we feel that I'm saying the right things and getting around the right people and it just seems to be blocked. What do you do or at least help us understand what's happening?

Why can't we seem to make progress in the anxiety and the worry and the fear and the maybe even depression? I think often it's simply because of development and that our voices get quieter and other voices get louder for them, particularly their peers. But I think adolescence is when we want them to have other voices that we trust in their lives.

It's such an important time to pull in, which is where coaches have so much impact, teachers, youth group leaders, any other grown ups that you trust that can speak truth into their life. And I think that's where a counselor, I mean, I just can't even, it's in the thousands, the amount of times over the years that I've said something to a child that their parent comes back to me and says, well, they said you told them blah, blah, blah. And I have told them that 400 times in the last year. But because I'm a new voice, they'll hear it differently. We've said that about our kids over and over again, where they'll be teenagers and they have these mentors in their life and they come home with this profound thing their mentor has said. We're like, are you kidding me?

We said this alone in our bedroom. We've said that a million times and they never even heard it by this person. But we are thrilled. Right.

Because we don't care who it's coming from. We just want them to get it and to hear it. And I love that you would say that you're thrilled because I think it's painful sometimes for a parent. Right. And developmentally, they're pulling away from you as they are supposed to. They're individuating. And then all of a sudden they're coming home talking about this teacher all the time or their best friend's mom, who they think is the coolest mom that's ever been on the face of the earth. And you don't want to hear another word about her.

Yeah. I actually had a mom say this to me one time and I thought so fascinating because I think it's intuitively what I have felt and I've never heard anybody put words to. And she sat down and her son was seeing David Thomas, who I've talked about before, as kind of my counterpart.

And she said the first time I ever met her, she said, OK, Sissy, I just need to tell you the deal. So my son is seeing David Thomas and has seen him for a couple of years. And I'm so grateful for David in his life because my ex-husband does not know how to talk about feelings.

And so he needs a man that can talk about feelings with him. And she said, and I am now bringing my 13 year old daughter to you because I know she needs other voices. But let me tell you that you threaten me.

Wow. And she said, because right at the time in her life that she's going to stop talking to me, I'm bringing her to you. So she'll start talking to you and I'm paying you for it. That's so true.

You're getting a bummer of a deal in a lot of ways. But that's a brave parent. It's a brave parent. It's so interesting because we have a group of friends that we've been friends with for, boy, 25 years, probably. And so we've been raising our kids together. And what has happened, I don't have daughters, but my friends have come to me and have said, hey, do you think you could spend some time with my teenage daughter?

That's so cool. And so I think there's there's that insecurity that comes like, oh, she's going to tell you things. But to me, that says that that mom is really secure. But she also it's an honor because she trusts me. So if we have friends that we think, man, my kids would do well to spend some time with that other dad or that other mom, I'd say push them that way. If they're saying the same things that you're saying spiritually and like just who you are as a person, you admire them.

I think that's a great thing to do. Yeah, I would I would even say and we mentioned this here before, but one of the things we did, we put it in our parenting book is we actually prayed and looked for mentors for our boys when they were just coming into the teenage years. And, you know, we didn't know we really didn't have a name. I'm a pastor of a church and it's, you know, a lot of people there, but I we had no idea.

And so we're like, Lord, we know that we need other voices besides ours saying the same thing, even especially the spiritual part. And God brings Frank, an attorney in our church who starts a middle school. Right.

I think they were 10 and 11. I mean, this guy was a crazy, fun, wonderful guy, starts his middle school, a little group with our oldest. C.J. is in it.

Think of this. C.J. is now 35 years old and he and Frank and three of the other four of the other guys in that group still go on vacations together.

C.J. 's leaving next week with Frank on a trip. Yeah, they go on a houseboat in Tennessee where his parents have.

It's just it that relationship still happening. Ryan came into our middle son, Austin's life. Rob came into Cody's life. And I can remember I've said this here before, but I can remember when they'd be down, like especially I remember Cody's group was down in the basement.

So our youngest, they're 14, 15, maybe 16 year old boys. And I literally crack open the door. You know, I can't go down there, but I want to like, what are they talking about? And they are talking about real stuff that teenage boys wrestle with and how God is in the middle of that and what God's perspective.

I mean, I didn't listen very long, but I listened long enough to go, thank you, Jesus. I have a young man down there who's 20, 30 years younger than me pouring into my son. And I'm telling you, if they were feeling anxious, they're going to tell them probably before they tell us.

And those were gifts from God because we literally ask God. And I would say to a parent, if you don't have somebody like that in your life, ask. Pray. Again, it's not like a magic prayer, but I'll bet you if you look around the people in your life, you may be able to already identify somebody that could be that mentor or that counselor. Like a lay counselor, therapist in their life. Is that critical for a child? You talk about two things that are required to break free of anxiety in your book. You say persistence and determination. Talk about those.

What does that mean? Often kids will come back or parents will come back and say the tools didn't work. And it's because they tried it for a week or two weeks. And it is, I mean, like we talked about before about how the amygdala becomes hyperresponsive. Also, our brains create these well-worn pathways, neural pathways. And so it takes a long time to change behavior and to change the way that our brains think.

And so it is not an easy, you don't just think I'm going to get over this anxiety, I'm going to do this two times and I'm going to be better. It's over. Oh, that's good to hear, parents.

Did you hear that? It takes a lot of determination. Okay.

Yes. Which is where I think when we can reward kids, when we can praise kids, when we can have other voices who are helping echo, cheering them on. I think all of that is so important because they're going to have to hang with it for a long enough period of time to start to see the difference. Give us a number.

I usually will say, I mean, when families will start in counseling, I will usually say plan on at least three months, if not six months before you can start to see a difference. Okay. That's good to hear. Well, it is interesting.

One of, I don't know, you probably maybe, maybe don't know this. One of our taglines for Family Life Today is we offer help for today, hope for tomorrow. Two of the three parts of your book are help and hope. I love that. And I think we've talked a lot about help.

Yes. Let's talk a little bit about hope because after days or weeks or maybe even months and you're not seeing progress with your child, maybe your daughter or your son, and you sit in that chair with these kids, you lose hope. How do you keep hope when you're not seeing what you're hoping to see? I think pray a lot.

Pray that God would keep refreshing your vision for where they can be and who they can be. And I think having, you know, we're talking about kids having other voices. I think as parents, you need other voices.

You need other people, friends you can sit with that are cheering you on along the way. I think that's a huge piece of it. And just being connected to God yourself. I mean, I think you've got to, I have always felt like self-care was important for parents. I've never felt like it was as important and particularly spiritually. If we're not receiving spiritually, we're not going to have anything to give and we're going to run really short on hope. And so being connected in that way, I think is really important that we just anchor to a lot of truth. And I think that's where to circling back to the kids and saying, hey, I know you've got to be frustrated.

I can tell it doesn't feel like things are shifting. What can I do to help? What would that look like for me to step in? Would it help for us to create some kind of incentive? Like, you know, when you really feel like you're past this, you know, differently than you are now, I don't mean 100% free of it, but when you've made some real progress, what can we do to celebrate? That's something you can look forward to. I think kids need things to look forward to.

And that we just keep, we're intentionally cheering them on along the way. But, you know, in the book, I talked about John 1633 about in this world you'll have trouble, but take heart I've overcome the world. And when I wrote the first two books, one of the things I talked about is how I felt like we were seeing this thing happen with kids where their emotional life, I felt like kids were talking about their emotions more. They understood their emotions more than in almost three decades that I've been counseling kids. I felt like they were better versed than I'd ever seen them be. But I felt like their faith, the two were running parallel.

Their faith was not intersecting with their emotional lives at all. And so I didn't feel this sense of hope in kids or I felt less of a sense of hope than I'd ever felt, which really concerned me. And I think when I went back to what might be at the root of it, I felt like part of it was the beginning of that verse. I think kids, partly because of the social media world that we live in. And, you know, you think about pre-pandemic, how many hashtags of living my best life and how many best day ever, all that stuff. You know, I don't see that anymore. Yeah, you're right.

Best year ever. Yeah, exactly. But I think that was part of the problem. I think we had stopped, I'll call myself, I don't think I was doing a very good job of teaching kids what it looks like to live in a fallen world. And so I think when their life felt fallen, when they were feeling the effects of sin and pain, I think they felt like something's wrong with me or it's only me. Because the rest of the world seems happy and beautiful and wonderful, but my life looks so dreary and normal. Something is wrong. And the truth is the rest of the world isn't.

No, they're just pretending. But even the church, it's what we have been doing, I think, on social media. And the way we present things out, I'll never forget. So Daystar, we have individual counseling, we have groups, and then we have a little summer program called Hopetown for the kids who are coming to counseling. It's a little camp.

And our director does most of the teaching and devotionals with the kids. And she looked at this group of seventh and eighth graders and said to them, I don't know who told you your life wasn't going to be hard. But they were wrong.

It is. We want to expect trouble. That's part of that verse.

In this world, you're going to have trouble. But we have hope because he overcame the world. And I think they just weren't grasping that. And I really think leading into it, I felt like it was the least resilient generation of kids I had ever seen. And I want to say very strongly that I think these kids that have lived through this pandemic are going to be the most resilient kids we've seen in decades.

I am with you. I think they're going to have more strength and more hope because they have faced trouble. And they have had to lean on Jesus.

I think their faith will have been strengthened in really profound ways. The truth we all know, and yet it's hard to let your child go through it as a parent, is adversity builds character. Suffering produces perseverance builds character, and then it ends with hope. Consider it joy, my brothers and sisters, when you encounter various trials.

I want to echo that. One, God knows exactly when they were going to be born, why they were going to be born. He has a purpose and a plan. And our God wins. We win.

And ultimately to speak into our kids like, man, I can't wait to see all that God has for you. That's hope. Yeah. It is hope.

Yes. And help. And I would say this, you know, wrapping up a week with you, Cissy, it's been awesome. For me too. I mean, you haven't just helped us.

You've helped thousands. I really have. But I was thinking if you're a parent and you're really struggling, maybe it's anxiety. Maybe it's anxiety about your children, which we all have, boy, we have it every night as a parent. You're just so gripped with anxiety. I think of Matthew 11, 28, which is one of my favorite passages where Jesus says, come to me, all who are weary and heavy laden. That's like anxiety. That's worry.

That's carrying burdens for ourselves or for our children. And I will give you rest. And so there's part of me thinks the parent has to lead there first.

You know, you can't expect your child to go there if you've never. So, man, if you're struggling, this is your moment to say, you know what? I need to lay this down.

I need to go to, I am in a world that's going to be hard and trouble, but there is Victor and there is one I can find rest in. And then I need to model that for my child and lay in bed at night, put my head on the pillow and go, God, you've got her. You've got him. In fact, you love them and care about them even more than I do. And that's how I'm going to lead.

And here's the last thing I'll say. As I was listening for this week, I thought, oh, this is great for parents. But I thought, I think it'd be really good for a parent to grab his adolescent daughter or teenage son or daughter and listen to these programs together and then say, let's talk.

It's a great idea. Because, man, can you imagine what your teenage daughter may say? Hey, could you hit pause there? Can we talk about that? Because I feel what Sissy said. Or maybe if you are not listening together, at least you've both listened and then come together over a meal or a walk or whatever and just talk about those things. Or get the book and read it or do both.

I love all those ideas. Hey, Sissy, will you do us a favor and will you pray for the parents and the kids just kind of as we finish our time with you? Because if anybody knows what they're feeling, it's you. Sure, I'd love to. Father, thank you for every parent who's listening today. Thank you for every grandparent, aunt and uncle, teacher, anybody who's listening that has kids in their lives that they care for. And, Lord, we pray for every child represented too.

And, Lord, I know you know this better than I do that I have never encountered as many discouraged parents as I have in the last six months. So, Father, I just pray that you would pour out your love on those parents. Pour out your sense of delight in them and how much that you rejoice over them and sing over them and all of those things for parents, especially that don't feel it right now. And I pray that you would remind them of that great truth. And I pray that you would remind them too that we do.

We can take heart because of you, because you have overcome the world, which means you have overcome every single scenario facing their child right now. Whatever it is, Lord, that you are in the midst of that friend problem, that new diagnosis, that failure, that concern that the parent feels, the anguish in the middle of the nights, all those things, Father, that you are in the midst of those things with them and that you have overcome. And, Lord, we thank you that you are a God who promises every one of those things. We thank you that you're a God who knows us, that you're not this impersonal victor, but that you're a victor who really goes into the hard things with us and holds our hands and still delights in us and delights in them and that you love the kids in our lives more than we could ever imagine.

And you got them. Lord, I just pray that you would remind us of that over and over and over. Thank you for your mercy. Thank you for your grace for us. Even when we fail and help us remember that even in that failure, our kids have our opportunities to know and lean on you that much more.

And, Lord, we thank you for your Son, and it's in your name we pray. Amen. Amen.

Amen. Thank you. Yes, you're welcome. As Dave and Ann Wilson just suggested, if you'd like to re-listen to this series with Cissy Goff, listening with your teenage son or daughter and pausing from time to time to say, Is that something you're feeling? All of the programs that you hear on Family Life Today are available for download, or you can access them as podcasts. You can do that for any series you hear on Family Life Today. Go to familylifetoday.com, and the information's available there. Or look for Family Life Today wherever you get podcasts, and subscribe to Family Life Today.

That way, if you're not able to hear us on air any day, you can always hear us whenever it's convenient for you. Again, go to familylifetoday.com if you have any questions, or just look for Family Life Today wherever you go to find podcasts. And if you're interested in a copy of Cissy Goff's book, Brave, it's a book we've got in our Family Life Today Resource Center. You can order it from us online at familylifetoday.com, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to get your copy.

Again, the book is titled Brave, A Teen Girl's Guide to Beating Worry and Anxiety by Cissy Goff. It's available to you online at familylifetoday.com, or you can call to order 1-800-358-6329. That's 1-800-F as in Family, L as in Life, and then the word Today. Now, I know for many of us, the rhythms of summer are starting to fade away, and the pace is picking up for us in life. That's happening here at Family Life. David Robbins, who's the president of Family Life, is here with me. And David, we've got a lot happening this fall that we're really excited about. Yeah, this summer has been a great time to really take space with the Lord and really seek Him and trust Him for what He wants us to do in this upcoming fall season and beyond.

And we are really in an acceleration mode when it comes to new resources that we're developing. You may have picked up on that we are really trying to provide great resources that are rooted in Scriptures to help you grow in community as couples or as families. You know, Bob's recent resource, Love Like You Mean It, was a small group we did that couples are really enjoying growing together with and watching and processing together.

David and Wilson had Vertical Marriage Small Group, and there's one coming this fall called No Perfect Parents Small Group. Can't wait for you to get exposed to that. And we have some other things cooking that we are really excited about when it comes to this year. And all of these resources have one purpose in mind, and that is that homes, people in homes, moms and dads, fathers and sons, husbands and wives, can be anchored in Jesus and who He is and what He offers. And August ends our fiscal year, and this is a very important week for us because we want to end in the black. It's really important that we do that so we can go and accelerate into these new projects that we have. And so we would love to hear from you this week. And here's what we've been asking listeners to do to help support the ministry of family life. We're asking that in every city where family life today is heard, that there would be two families who would step forward and say, We want to join with you as monthly supporters of the ministry, monthly legacy partners. Legacy partners pray for this ministry regularly. They make a monthly contribution to support the ongoing work of family life today. You really are the people who make sure that family life today is available in your community and in communities all around the world.

You make it possible as a legacy partner to say thank you for your support of the ministry. We'd like to send you a few thank you gifts. One is a copy of Dave and Ann Wilson's brand new book, which is called No Perfect Parents. In addition, we've got a collection of messages from Dave and Ann that we're making available to you. Some of these are messages we've featured on family life today.

Others are messages listeners have never heard before. And we'd like to send you a certificate so that either you and your spouse or someone you know who you'd like to gift this to can be our guest at an upcoming Weekend to Remember Marriage getaway. We're hosting about 30 of these events this fall in cities all across the country. You will be our guests as one of our new legacy partners. We'll send you the certificate for that as a way of saying thank you. To become a legacy partner, go to familylifetoday.com or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. And we just ask you to pray and ask the Lord, would you want us to be one of the two new partners in this city?

And then respond as the Lord leads you. Now, we hope you can join us back tomorrow. If you're a baseball fan, or honestly, even if you're not, we're going to hear from a guy who was at the top of his game playing baseball for the New York Yankees, but his life was at the bottom. His name is Darrell Strawberry. He and his wife, Tracy, join us tomorrow with a riveting story of God's intervention in their lives. I hope you can tune in for that. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Bob Lapeen. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life, a crew ministry, helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.