Loving Your Sons

Okay honey, as you think about my job as a dad with our sons... Oh good, this is a good topic. Don't critique me, I just want to, on a scale one to ten, yeah I guess this is an invitation to critique me. Scale one to ten, how did I do loving our sons? Oh boy, the pause means not good. I think you were good at that.

Then why did you pause? Eight, is that bad? No, eight, I'd take an eight any day.

Oh good. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson, and I'm Dave Wilson, and you can find us at familylifetoday.com or on our Family Life app. This is Family Life Today. You know, as I was thinking about it, I thought, and I've said this, it was easier I feel like for me to love them when they were little boys, and as they became men, it should have been the same, but it felt harder to love them. Was it awkward? What do you think that was? I don't know exactly what it was, because today we get help with this. That's why I'm bringing it up, because I felt like it was man to man, and it felt different.

It shouldn't have, but it felt different to me. And again, I'm not making an excuse, I'm introducing a topic because we've got two experts on this. You guys, Matt and Lisa Jacobson, welcome to Family Life Today. Thank you so much. It's great to be back. I mean, we're really glad to have you back here, and you know, you are the gurus of a hundred ways. You have a hundred ways to love your husband, a hundred ways to love your wife, those were previous books, right?

Yes. And now you've come out with a hundred ways to love your son, a hundred ways to love your daughter. We get to talk about sons for this time. Just to introduce you a little bit, you're not just authors, you're speakers, you planted a church and involved in that, you've got eight kids, you've got faithfulman.com, and you do a podcast. Tell us about your podcast, because I started listening to it, and I thought it was fantastic. Awesome. Well, thanks so much.

Yes, it's called Faithful Life podcast, and it is essentially about living a faithful life, in your personal life with God, in your life with your spouse, and how you're walking together, and it's really just practical Christian living. That's really what it is. I kind of like how you describe it in terms of talking, babe, about, hey, I know this intellectually, or I understand, but what does it mean on Monday morning when normal life has taken over? Real life hits you. Does he always call you babe?

Yes, he does. Yeah? He has all kinds of little pet names for me. I like that. I hope you'll use all of them today.

Oh, okay, let's not go all the way there. Some of them are really cute. And then Lisa, you also are the host. Hey babe, tell them about Lisa.

I'm gonna start calling you babe, I like that. Lisa's the founder and host of club31women.com. What is that? It's a resource, it's a blog, but it also has lots of other ministries and books that goes with it, but it's encouraging women in their biblical walk, just as if they're a mother, if they're a wife, if they're a daughter.

It's to all ages. And again, the idea is very practical biblical encouragement because sometimes we'll know a verse or we'll know we're supposed to be this way, but how does that look like and what are some ways that I can be more truthful, more kind, all those kinds of things into your home, into your daily life. Yeah, now how did you two end up with the hundred ways? Because actually I think, and obviously you do too, it's a great way to write a book because there are little nuggets, they're almost like a diva, you know, but again I would be like I can write five, I don't know if I can write a hundred, but you come up with a hundred on many different topics and they're very easy to read and they're so practical.

So how did you end up on a hundred ways? Well I think there are a lot of great books out there that talk about the big concepts, the kinds of parents you want to be or maybe the kind of, in the case of our marriage books, the kind of marriage you want to have. So let's just say it's communication, you're like okay I know I need to communicate better, I need to communicate more lovingly, but then you you know you read this great book, you put the book down and you go out there to your kids in this case and then you go ah I don't know what to say and I don't know what this looks like, I just need a little bite of something that I can start today making a difference in my home.

Right. And that's basically how we broke it down into these little bite-sized pieces. The thing is is a great relationship is built with just a lot of everyday moments and so when you get into the 100 Ways to Love Your Son book you find that it isn't this deep tome that you've got to just commit to getting through, it's really just bite-sized instruction on very practical things and you can read a page or two at a time and then you can think about that, you can apply it, the book will give you maybe a way to change your thinking, it'll give you something specific, something concrete to do and you can just employ that in your relationship with your son and so it's very practical, very doable, we get a lot of feedback, hey this is a book that my husband will read. Yeah, it's little and there's simple things that you can do and today we're really gonna look at how do we communicate to our sons that we love them and that they are loved. You know when I started this book on how to love, again I said I've struggled with that, I found it easy, maybe not easy, but I found it easier for me when they were little boys to hug them, to lay in bed with them, to say I love you, I didn't have a dad so I never had a dad say that so I was trying to create a new legacy and it was awesome from what I remember, you know you'd have to ask our sons how awesome it was and when we wrote our parenting book we literally said write in the book so they did and they said here's what worked and what didn't work but I struggled I feel like as they became teenagers I don't think I did a bad job of it but it was awkward it felt a little awkward to even say those kind of things so let's dive in that a little bit because I mean when I picked up your book I'm like yeah this is very very practical. I mean you could pick almost any one of these 100 and you've got an assignment for the day and I'm a guy I'm like just tell me what to do you know and there it was you know walk into it but did you find that at all in terms of loving your sons was it different when they got older same? Oh I think it was definitely different for me absolutely one of the things that is just a natural part of a son getting older is that he gets into that 13 14 15 16 and 17 range there and it can start early or a little later but he goes through this process of becoming independent from you and it can feel to the parent in the moment as hey you're you're pushing back against me you're rebelling against me and and that can certainly be a part of it yeah but the truth is is there's a natural process that's taking place there and we obviously want our sons to grow independently and to become independent of us in so far as they're getting ready to lead their life and step out wherever God may be leading them. What I had to do is I had to recognize that and I won't say that I recognized it perfectly over on I mean Lisa and I are a good team and she's just spoken so much into my heart and life on these things and I just really appreciate the perspective that a wife my wife and anybody that you're married God gave you your wife for the purpose of blessing you with that added perspective but I had to get to the place where I changed how I was thinking about that process and I told myself I need to embrace this process of them becoming independent but before doing that yes it was tougher for me because it did feel like there's this pushback against dad's instruction and suggestions and not all the time but it became I think naturally that underlying process of them becoming independent so it's much easier you know to love your little kids they have a lot less sort of life direction where you see your teenagers making choices but you get to a place where you recognize that no this is a natural part of what's happening is they're growing into manhood and embracing that and the thing about loving your sons that are older is they need just as much love yeah as your kids when they're younger it's just different yeah I know that one of the things I experienced is just what you're saying Matt is I recognize them becoming men and pulling away and in some sense I celebrated that that was awesome yeah at the same time you're like where are you going you know it's like you want them but what I found was like you said when they're little boys you're you're laying in bed and hugging them and then when they're older and it's like beard to beard yeah you know that's where it was like wow this is a man now yeah and again it's my son so it shouldn't be awkward I had a young man that we led to Christ on a basketball court playing pickup basketball Paul's his name great guy and as I got to know Paul realize he grew up on the streets of Detroit his family sort of banded him he had no background and you know he sort of walked into our life through basketball and then put in our front door and all these weird things and next thing I know we're sort of almost adopted Paul he never had a dad and so I sort of became a father figure in his life he lived with for a period of time I'll never forget I mean he's 20 what 25 at the time maybe 26 I think he's younger than that I think it's like 20 yeah he probably was more like early 20s he's in my kitchen and he just walks over one day and he gives me a bear hug and he won't let go it wasn't like a hug it was a long hug remember this you looked at me with desperation in your eyes he hugged me really tight and his face is right here beside mine and you know he just says he said something like Dave Wilson I love you you are a father that I never had thank you you know and here's the thing it was just a sweet moment right and all of a sudden he goes hey and he's still like literally bear hugging me just like tight and he goes hey this is making you feel uncomfortable in there that's what he says and I'm like he was yours you're actually stiffing it up right now so there he hugs even tighter friend and he goes this is a good thing me telling you I love you you know and I go I know it is and he goes dude I'm gonna I'm gonna change you man you got to become more tender toward this but I get any day it was one of these moments where I realize ah there it is and you know one of the hundred ways you put in your book is hug your son mm-hmm you know and one things I love about the book it isn't just a father writing it's a father and mom so Lisa you wrote this sort of story about how it's good to hug your kids talk about that a little bit well I think that the kids they long for it most of them I've got one kid who's not as much of a touchy guy but I still think it needs it so he gets his hugs nevertheless but they do long for that and sometimes we're so quick with words like you know we're a fountain of wisdom and we can't wait to just give them that lecture and correct them and many times I have found that just that gentle touch even just a hand on the shoulder a gentle pat on the back says so much it says I love you it says I'm there with you I'm standing with you it so it's very powerful and it's we could under use it unless we use it cloyingly you know so I think is a if you're a mother who has a son who's getting up into his teens just be really respectful of him as well don't keep doing the little little boy thing they tend to not like that but and especially in front of their friends especially by their friends although my boys are pretty they're pretty lovey-dovey actually touchy for sure well just one of the things that also we've really tried to do is to recognize that each one of our kids they're literally a different person now that doesn't exactly need to be a profound statement but but they have a different personality than you they see things differently they approach things differently and a lot of times I think as parents we can think of different as wrong because it's not our way it's not our way of thinking and especially as the boys have gotten older I absolutely have had to grow in that understanding that they see things and do things differently because of their the differences in their personality so we've gotten into the habit of just telling them you know what I love your personality you're so different than me I love how you think I love how your thought leads you to doing something a different way completely than what I would do but we really try to tell them that on a regular basis so it's like you we just like you as a person and that's really one of the first things you open the book with is that say to them how much you love to be with them yeah you know and you tell the story tell that story because I had a similar experience of her dad who's awesome never saying to me he thought I was awesome and then one day I overheard him my life I mean that's what she grew up with he's a great guy and he sort of became my father he's my high school coach but I always sort of wondered even after we're married you know I don't know if dick just really celebrates me and I heard him one day talking to somebody about me and he was talking like I'm the greatest guy ever yeah remember I called him out like you've never even said that to me and then he almost backpedaled like well like he didn't think that was something he should do he should say it about me to somebody else but not to my face that is the irony of being a parent and and I don't know why but parents so often are ready to celebrate you to a third party right yeah but directly to you I grew up in a home where I just didn't have a lot of accolade or affirmation I always felt like it was in the way and felt like I was maybe even not wanted which is not remotely the truth in terms of how my parents felt and certainly not later in life but but that's kind of what I grew up with if that is that sense so we really wanted our kids to know we like you we like being with you we love spending time with you and that's a repeat theme in our home there's two things is I know quite a few people that never heard their parents say I love you I didn't growing up my parents never said that yeah it's just and it's it's just assumed it's not that they didn't love you they just didn't say it and how often we actually really need to hear that yeah and repeatedly but another powerful statement in its own way is that even that I like you because sometimes we can actually throw out I love you's like our families we're I think we overcompensate probably do but you're right Lisa what about the parent that's thinking I really don't like my kid right now you know a teenager that's just feels like they're rebelling they're pulling away and I've heard parents say I love you but I don't like you right now and you're saying baby she has said that because we all want to be liked which is to say not just the like you have to love me but do you really like me and it's it's a it's also a very powerful statement to communicate to your child that I like you you're different sometimes you make me tear my hair out a little bit but I like you it was interesting I think our oldest son was nine and we put the boys to bed pray for them talk to them every night and this one night I was about to turn off the light and I said to our oldest CJ I love you so much and he stops me I'm walking I guess my mom I'm like what he said you don't have to tell me that all the time I know what you say it over and over and here's what he says you can just tell me one time and I know it the rest of my life and my first thought was his poor wife oh no and I remember coming back in the room and saying I oh thanks for sharing that but here's the truth like I'm gonna say it over and over because I just do it flows out of me and I remember saying and I like you too and I then said and the truth is your wife is gonna need to hear that over and over and your kids will need to hear that over and over because even as a mom I get insecure and as people we get insecure and we need to be reminded of the truth of that one of the things that that I like to say and and you know Lisa and I in talking with parents like to remind them is don't take the bait okay just just don't take the bait well we're talking about this business of liking or not liking and sometimes we can get into a circumstance where you go you know what you kind of have a problem here with the Sun and the thing is that as a parent isn't it hard not to take that pushback personally yeah right isn't that hard that is so hard so we we take it personally we get hurt as parents it's always a shocker to the kids wait mom and dad can be hurt you know and then we're tempted to kind of respond back from that place of hurt and so growing up it's tough there's so many transitions there's so many things going on all at the same time but don't take the bait and don't take your moment and say hey my kid is hurting me personally and just choose not to take it personally that'll help you stay on a plane of having a right perspective and a right response to them in that moment and of course we've all heard many many times a soft answer turns away wrath you know we get those tension moments but if you cannot take the bait and respond from your place of personal hurt because kids are good at hurting their parents they really are if you can choose not to respond that way and respond in a loving manner even though they were acting that way it can really lower the tension in the moment and also give them a little space just to to be in that moment where they get to grow to because they're on a journey right we're all on a journey of growth and maturity they're on a journey of growth and maturity and sometimes we don't give as much grace for that in them as we want it for ourselves for our own journey so Lisa let me ask you that question when I'm talking to moms or dads and I especially say to moms like don't take it personally how like how do we not take it personally when it really hurts what they're saying I think you can take your hurt and you can just take it aside and work through it another time with maybe another person Matt and I talked to each other quite a bit about this actually we've been able to encourage each other remember this is not about you even though it feels like it's about you and if you don't have a spouse that's supportive that way you can also even go to a friend and just say that you know that my child said this or did this and it just feels like it's a direct attack and just encourage each other nope this is not what this is this is a spiritual battle some cases and sometimes the child didn't even mean that or even think that you might be hurt by that it's always eye-opening to go and later we might have this conversation especially if it's a teen and just say okay we work through the situation but later we'll say do you realize that when you said this or did this that feels personal that you'll come back to it yeah we talk about it we will come back to it and we like to say never try to deal with a correction in the moment of emotional intensity right that's so why you've got to get away from that and two three days later when playing fields level and all the emotions are calmed down then you can go back and talk about it and that's something we can do the other thing we like to say is you play how you practice okay so if you go into that kind of a discussion with the mindset already that you know what I'm not going to allow myself get emotionally drawn in I'm going to maintain my calm approach that's really helpful to just to have that attitude and that thought before you actually get there so that when it happens you say hey I saw that coming and I'm not gonna take the bait so I know that as a parent I've been there I think we all have you know where you know you're hurt or something's done and you're thinking I need to be the adult here and I don't want to be it's like I'm responding maturely just like my son or daughter did and yet it's like you said Lisa it's one of those moments where you go I gotta I gotta ask God for help and you have a hundred ways so sometimes it's like I got to take a little more time you know again I find it so practical in your book one of them that just hit me it's number eight out of a hundred always be glad to see your son mm-hmm you know what what does that look like always be glad because there's moments when you're working or you're doing you're in a project and they walk in you know they need you and you're not really glad in that moment you know it's like I am but I'm not I have things going on so how do I be glad when maybe I'm not well one example of this was wasn't even too long ago I was on a tight deadline and I had to quickly get some dinner going before I went back to finish up my deadline and I could just I was just stressed with just you know beaming out of my body and I'm over the stove and my son came behind me and he was just kind of wrapping his arms around me he's about 15 so just kind of he's taller than I am and honestly everything like I just like bristled cuz I'm just like go away just trying to get this thing done but the other part of me goes Lisa don't you'll want this someday miss this so don't communicate to him go away so I did my best and and he turned to me and he said you know mom something I like so I'm all ears right what I'll take anything positive here and he said I like that you're always glad to see me even when you're not I'm sorry that you read through me but I'm glad that it does mean something to you and I was glad he's able to articulate that to say it's important to me that you're happy to see me we were just talking about all these hard things you end up working through with your kids but there's so much building you can do in between that makes those hard things easier to work through when you have communicated I'm happy to see you or I like you or those are those are really positive building things that make those harder moments just not so hard to work through and a minute ago we were talking about they are people they're little persons well how do we feel when we walk into a room right and everybody turns the other way and they're not really thrilled that we were there like we don't like that right we like walking into a room and hey good to see you how you know how you doing it's great well what are we communicating to them when they walk into the room right you know the Bible says love others as you love yourself that's a way practically a parent can do that with their son he walks into the room I'm just glad to see we've gotten to the habit in the morning and of course you know people stumble down the stairs and we're all having our coffee that's one of the things we do as a family is we and we've done it every year yeah for forever yep because we started it when when when we were married yeah well I love this because in the book you talk about that you serve coffee to your family there we go yeah that's right and now the boys have taken it over and the girls I think had it for a while just as they got older each kid took a turn at serving but that's what we do we just have coffee together and when they show up in the morning we give a positive greeting it's so good to see you good morning usually a hug or something when they walk into the room any time a day we just want to communicate that and personally my personality I have to be reminded of that because it is not natural with me I can just have my head down and doing my thing and hey nothing's on fire so it's good let's keep going I have to treat him like I want to be treated when I walk into a room when I see people that I'm hoping will be glad that they see me my thought as you share that is that's what the Heavenly Father does every time we approach him like I used to have this shame-filled view of God that when I would come before him and maybe had been a couple days he was tapping his foot like about time oh and the father never does that he's always anticipating our return he loves seeing us and so my thought was oh we're just doing what the father would do he's so excited to see his kids I think of the prodigal and the father running you know to the prodigal welcoming him back home yes I love that idea of making sure even in the morning yeah that we love them see them notice them Paul the guy that lived in our house for a while we were walking in the door one day after playing some pickup basketball middle of the afternoon he's telling me a story as I step in the front door my three little boys probably seven eight and younger come running to the front door daddy's home daddy's home and I swoop him up give him a big hug hey there's the hug again give him a big hug and roll around the famine room for a little bit with them and I it must have been an hour hour and a half later I'm on the back deck with Paul alone and he says hey I need to say something to you you sort of hurt me earlier today and you know what he's gonna say and I was like what are you talking about when he goes well you know we're walking in the house after playing basketball and I was sharing a story with you and as soon as the door opened your kids came running you didn't even hear the end of my story you just like cut me off and you swooped up your boys and you know I just got to be honest it sort of hurt me and I remember looking at him going I'm sorry but I'm not sorry because here's the thing Paul I said you know I never had a dad walk in the front door and I never felt important and so I've made a commitment that my boys feel like they're the most important thing in my life and so when I see them and they said daddy I wanted to say they're the only thing that matters right now so I swooped them up I'm sorry in some ways but not really and so what do you want to tell me now you know about your story and I'll never forget he just goes oh dude that's awesome I had no idea and it's what Anne just said that's the perspective of the Heavenly Father the second we look his way he is running through that front door and picking us up and saying I see you you're the most important it right yeah that is that is his heart and as a mom and dad when our kids feel that from us it's what you're saying in the book it's like man that makes them feel love beyond love right absolutely and if you're the parent that has the kid that goes meh when you do say hi or when you do greet them again persevere yeah just keep at it persevere because you never know later in life in fact one of our kids in talking about this certain aspect of the way he was interacting with he says I don't know I did that you know like looking back on that I don't even know why yeah you know but love the fact that we persevered and that we were single-minded and focused on we love you we like you so if you've got that Sun that kind of shrugs it off that's okay you just stay in the game don't take the bait don't take it personally just stay in the game so many times we found also when we're tempted to take something personal we found out well there was just some big thing that happened in their life and that's where their head was and so they weren't really trying to directly hurt our feelings by not responding that way it's just that their heart was at a different place and and maybe hurting or maybe focused on something else so just keep that in mind persevere if you're the parent with the kid that doesn't really respond directly yeah the truth is nobody rebels or walks away from love people walk toward love when they're feeling loved it's almost impossible to run away from that you are drawn to it so I mean as you talk about a hundred ways to love your son that draws a family together it's what God does to us it draws us and I think it'd be interesting for our listeners to go online and even post on family life social media ways their parents love them or as parents ways they do it absolutely these books really are the ways that we genuinely try to love our kids we asked our kids what are some ways it felt made you feel loved and so it was a big kind of a group effort that way but even as you're reading the book you might go well I wouldn't do that or my son wouldn't appreciate that but that's give me an idea that they would like this so at the very least it's a conversation starter it's a way of thinking when we started the writing the books Matt they were talking about well actually talking about ourselves how we know our parents loved us but we didn't always feel loved and how many adults we know that said that's exactly you know that would be our case I don't it's not that my parents necessarily didn't love us it's just they didn't spend time with us or they didn't actually say I love you how kind of tragic that is really that there's this all this love that just didn't get communicated and and we have to be intentional about that so that's another thing with the books it's just a way of being intentional about the love you're already feeling and you know you said at the beginning I hope your tongue was in your cheek when you said experts because the fact of the matter is is we're not experts we're just people that are on a journey and have tried to learn some things and we've made mistakes we absolutely have and we've learned to do some of these things that are in these books too and you know I'm one of these guys that all of our kids everybody knows our kids are really hard workers we'll get out and we'll do the job and you stay and you do the job until the job is done and Jacobson's never give up and so the kids are really great at that I wish I was better at fun and so there are some suggestions in the book about just ways to have fun with the kids because I was all about getting done what needed doing but then that fun part of just hey let's go let's just do something fun and even you know looking back I wish I was more like that you know when the kids were really young but that's one of the reasons why that there are many suggestions in the book that are in that category because it's something that I really had to grow in and to let go of you know the next responsibility and the next duty and just enter into the moment and so really just practical suggestions is what you'll find in here but it isn't because we have it all dialed in and we're perfect it's because we've ourselves learned a lot of these things along the way all of us know but it's easy to forget how important it is for our kids to understand that we love them for them to know that and as parents we have to be wise in how we express that in a way that they're going to understand it and receive it that's why I think the help we've been getting from Matt and Lisa Jacobson today is so vital because it reminds us that this is a part of our responsibility as parents to communicate our love for our children we're making available this week Matt and Lisa's books a hundred ways to love your son a hundred ways to love your daughter we'll send you both books as a thank-you gift if you're able to help support the ministry of family life this week with a donation as most of you know family life today is here because listeners like you have made today's program possible we're entirely dependent on our listeners to keep family life today on the air on this station on our network of stations across the country online all around the world you make that happen anytime you make a donation those of you who have donated in the past thank you for your support those of you who are regular listeners if you've never made a financial gift to support the work of family life today let me challenge you to do that today you can donate online at family life today calm or you can call 1-800 FL today to donate it's easy to do and again when you donate today we'd love to send you Matt and Lisa Jacobson's books a hundred ways to love your son and a hundred ways to love your daughter practical ways for you to be communicating to your children just how much you love them and by the way this is for young children for teenagers we even need to continue to communicate to our adult children that we love them and that we're proud of them again you can donate online at family life today calm or call 1-800 358-6329 1-800 FL today to make a donation and request your copy of the books from Matt and Lisa Jacobson and we're going to continue to talk about this with Matt and Lisa Jacobson tomorrow I hope you can be with us for that on behalf of our hosts Dave and Ann Wilson I'm Bob Lapine we'll see you back next time for another edition of family life today family life today is a production of family life a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most