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July 23, 2021 2:00 am
When we look around today, we see most of the world absorbed in a screen. Arlene Pellicane points to the need for engaging in life by simply looking up.
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Okay have a question. Do I have one only do here is mine.
I feel like I interrupting your screen time, you will be honest or silly items.
Welcome to family life today. We want to help you pursue the relationship matter most and will send Dave Wilson and you can find firstname.lastname@example.org or on our family life. This is family life today like I interrupt your screen just to enter sometimes. How depressing my mail and from watching a game or immuno reading of blog is like. In this way, two minutes side a bad thing.
Okay, what was your question when were on a date. Can I pull out my phone. What there is.
That's what I want to know if that's it like now I feel like all the sudden somebody else came into the room and there much more attractive than I am. Will somebody's in the room with us right now as you could help us. Yes, I am so glad Arlene Peloquin is here.
He wrote the book. Screen kids five skills every child needs in a tech driven world, and we've been with her several days and it's been so helpful because Arlene you have been helping us learn how can we manage this in our home.
Welcome back to family life today so great to be with you. Thanks for having me today is questions day yeah you know there's a whole list of questions we have that I think every parent and grandparent. By the way, you know were grandparents and you get another grandparent book on on-screen kids, you know how to help with the say and where to begin at all just start here is not a question or maybe it is but as a grandparent. I think sometimes were exhausted. Yeah I didn't think I would be more tired at this age in life than I was when I was in my 30s and 40s having kids, but you are and so you're so tired you got the grandkids who are precious, but you want to break so you just say here. Watch this and say this is because conflict with us because Dave somehow has the Disney Channel on every time I walk around when their grandkids are just cuddled up with them and maybe that's not as bad because you're being affectionate is awesome.
I think it's also all I do what I might do it too much. So what you say to Gregory one and one for almost a copy to thoughts come to my mind as you share that one would be you know what when you're tired it's okay. You should get a little bit of rest because it is true, God gives you children when you're younger for a reason. You know my dad is a retired doctor and he would play doctor with my kids when they were little, but what he would do is have them be the doctor.
He was the patient he would delay left when he met smartly and they have a doctors kit that was just at their house and my daughter would take the doctors can do the examination and talk. Tammy got the lay there for 20 minutes is pervasive. Try to invent games where you get to be stationary even really get a creative and try especially with younger kids.
They can handle that kind of imagination so work in some rest during your time and it is okay to think all right.
I'm tired were going to do one hour of the show or whatever it is that you choose to limit and to have a limit and a kind of set that and then what you can do is make things that are just special to your house so maybe it's a reading corner and it's books that you have from the library and maybe the kids don't gravitate to it at first because I play my game.
I want to watch TV, they might like it at first but eventually they'll get that. Okay, I get to watch TV for an hour and then the diamond play doctor so that grandpa play around and then we can have our library time. But that's up to you and you really can build things that they get use to that don't have to revolve around screen that you want to feel like we have to be on the screen the whole time and then Melisa grandparent you are more interesting and valuable than a screen even though you might not feel like it like you might feel like all they want is my iPad or all they wanted like alone. We feel like we can't compete because it's so entertaining and we can feel like were boring, but you're right, I think our kids just want to be with the grandkids just want to be with us, try the chocolate chip cookies. I think those coming out of the oven. That's pretty hard to be that is what happens every time Bryce comes over you your tutors alone. First thing he wants to do we make M&M cookies like the chocolate chip is much, but he knows he just turned to he knows every ingredient that goes into the really does that amazing you make popcorn with me so that my name is diesel thing yes so we talked about the effect of screens in our brains are relationships five skills will be. We've had some really hot stuff that's in your book. If you missed any of the shows get the book. It's dynamite really go back and listen to the other day go for sure, but here's the first question want to ask you if I'm a parent of a middle school or or maybe any age. How I know when they're ready for a phone or screen.
A lot of times I think will give someone a phone just because they're nagging about is why not the right reasons. Like we just want this child to stop asking for this phone so I guess will do it. So when you give the phone it really needs to be that you see that your child is ready and that might be middle school that might be high school you could laugh it might be college, but it's the idea of how responsible is this child if they are not responsible with their normal chores, then it's really hard to think, oh there to be responsible with this phone and they're going to do exactly what we say with this phone contract when they don't clean their room do their homework, walk the dogs.
If you see if your kid is not consistent with those kinds of things that work. I kidding ourselves to think they're going to be consistent with the fall. Although guessing here when you talk about your oldest son.
Yeah, he sounds like he is ready.
He's responsible as a very mature young man. He doesn't have a phone that's right. So here's phase 2 so.
First phase is like are they responsible can they do it. Phase 2 is kind of the whole idea of how is this going to affect them as a person.
So is it going to all the sudden for my husband he would say why things are going so well with my 16-year-old son, why would we introduce the phone and say all get now you can be on social media or play video games he be like why would we even wanted to introduce that so you do have to have. I think this caution of you never hear parents who say I am so glad I got my child this phone because now they are playing for my grandma and they are so satisfied.
They're so healthy. We see them a lot. There how happy I come back into their eyes. You know what he says they say why did I give my phone. This phone to this child. I gave it to early it introduce them to things that were much too old for them. It took them to the wrong crowd. It gave them weird ideas that we never had as a family, you know, so most people say that and so for that reason, I do give the advice to delay the phone giving the phone as long as you can and that's why my 16-year-old does not yet have a phone would you ever ask your kids, let's talk about why you want the phone. Yes, actually my daughter who is 14, who does not have a phone headset just the other day, if you had let me have a phone.
I think I would have a phone okay what would you do with your phone that you can't do now and she really likes card history, which is like doing card tricks so she said I would follow all these cards. Three things on Instagram I so why do you just do that on my phone because we were laughing because she wouldn't even talk to her friends on Instagram. She just wants to look at this car. So I told her it will do that and so she has and so now when you look at my Instagram feed is full of cars and that's okay with me, so it was interesting to find out what would you do with it and then like okay what you can do that with mine so talk to your kids, and that is a good idea.
What would you do with it and then maybe could you do it with existing technology that we have. How can we work around that they have Google voice numbers so that they have their own phone number and they can text their friends but they do it from a laptop or a computer so you can have workarounds but the questions are, you know, are they responsible, how is this going to affect their soul.
How are they going to be emotionally some kids can handle it.
Other kids can and you'll know because your kid all of a sudden will be more withdrawn to their room. Maybe they're not as happy as they usually are, and that's the problem. Sometimes in childhood.
I like to call it a childhood killer because the kid who used to be out on the cul-de-sac riding bikes or skateboard or hanging out all the sons like I don't want go out. I'm just going to stay here on my phone. I was can ask me were reading so much about anxiety, depression and suicide. Is this contributing is likely contributing to that thing absolutely because you see screen time usage go up pretty dramatically in 2012 41% of teens had a smart phone, but that rose sharply to 89% in 2018. And then in 2012, 34% of teens are using social media many times a day. But now, 70% are using it and that was in 2018, so I'm sure that even higher. So the idea that half of the 18 to 24-year-olds are reporting anxiety and depression. What's happening to them. Why are they like this and you can imagine. If you're not seeing people in real life. And if you're not getting ready for the real world and then you have to go out there have to figure all this things out you don't know what to do and it's really something that's affecting kids. If there on screens too much as kids that it's going to affect them with depression and anxiety. Yet, I think one of the things it's very interesting if you think about when we were kids go to school.
Maybe there's peer pressure maybe you're getting bullied a little bit.
Maybe negatives happen, yeah, come home, you're free exactly or sort of your away from that now unpleasantly cozy and the phone that's on the wall with 1/4 you're probably not going to be in touch but in this world that never stops. Yeah I am mother talk to me and she had 1/9 grader who is getting bullied at school so they actually change schools in the district so she could have a new start, but the bully because of phones followed over to the other school and shared inappropriate videos that he had done before to the first school that was where the problem was and so now the second school.
These people have the same thing. So this problem follows her wherever she goes. And again, it's in the pocket. It's not something you just like walk away from something you have 24 seven access to and that's very unhealthy and I would think this is me talking that there could be a positive and I know it.
I know you're sick as I know my answer, it isn't positive, but when especially a girl, and boys.
One of the biggest things they do with their phone's text yeah like almost nonstop. Yeah, I see over Robin Michelle's house and her daughters are like row and are talking to all the girlfriends yeah so you think all that's good relationships are building there in conversation, then I can have a phone call him, but it's a bad thing right. Why so the texting that's great that you're reaching out.
But how hysterical that we are so advanced technologically, but texting is such a crude form of communication just like and then for as adults you know we talk into our phone since both of these full sentences right before the kids are just all abbreviation and they're all it so it's like such a crude form of communication and that's the basis for relationship so the bad thing about that is my goodness so backward like the most advanced form of communication is face-to-face stalking with words talking with sentences seeing body language, you know you're saying I'm not stress at all, but your body is telling me you have a problem you know so that's advanced communication, let's say, but that's what kids are getting there, getting texting, which is great for hey what time do you want to meet. Where are you right now what's the weather today okay that's great for texting but are you a happy person is someone hurting you what you gonna do with your life what you feel like is the meaning of your life. You know what is God saying good conversations for texting and yet that's the basis for communication for kids and that's I think what the problem is Sherry Terkel. She is a MIT and she's been researching this and she talks about in middle school.
The middle school teachers will say, you don't used to be they kids would come in the cafeteria and they would talk to each other and that was really great for them to do.
But now they just talk about what's on their phones. They have their phones out and then they're talking about what's on the phone at the new conversation and she says the job of the new conversation is not doing what the old conversation used to do the whole conversation used to touch us emotionally help us to relate to other people.
Help us to to figure out our way in the world. The new conversation is just did you see that video can you believe she did that. Can you believe he got that score, you know, it's a different conversation so you're not really getting to know the person you getting to know their opinions about things yeah but when you say who are you what you not just what you like that, but who are you as a person. I think about that in marriage you like I love it when Dave and I talk about how were doing or what are you like what you like and what don't you like yeah instead of like giving an opinion about something you're looking at yeah just you know it's a bad thing but that's part of me as I go. I don't want to talk too much. Dave know. That's why think maybe first and I don't know if it's a gender thing or not, but I'd rather text back fine guys wisely say five individuals or give me a number of skill wanted to go six is going to mean conversation so there is some of that. It's an escape sure nudes in the side don't implement. This allows me to pretend I'm intimate. I'm just gonna text yet in some ways it's out, that's a gift we could. I'm in a meeting I can't answer phone but I can say I'll see you in 10 that's wonderful. But if it's avoiding relationship.
It's a bad thing for adult or kid right yes the texting as part of your communication tools fabulous you even once in a while get out of jail free cards that you can use it to avoid a long conversation but for kids. It's like their thinking yeah and so they've gotta learn to like sit with a friend and talk to each other and have awkward silences and you know all that they have to learn that and so that's when you think okay texting should be part of it, but it shouldn't be. The whole I remember when our youngest son wanted to ask out. Actually, his wife now and so he goes I may just text people now and I say all you should call her, ask her out on a date and so he did asked her to go out of course that means rejection from a voice which can be even more rejection and so he called her he asked her to go out on a date. He said he picked her up. She opened the door for an he ended up marrying Jana but it was so funny because she thought he was the weirdest guy ever calling me wisely technique and then when she went home she said. I told my parents. He's the weirdest guy open the doors for me. He was like asking me questions.
I've never been around a guy like this and so I thought that so interesting and I'm sure and that was years ago. So I got her it's even more so now to actually ask someone face-to-face what they're thinking how they're doing those important life skills is a funny that that's what gives people anxiety because when you tax you can think about it right like she Danica thought, who should I say yeah should I say no hussars but then he's on the phone with her and she had to say right then and there, like yes I'm going to go out with your know I'm not. And so kids are used to that. That's true. Sure they like the texting because it gives them a key ring for yeah yeah it's almost like as a parent you want to say to your son or daughter you can't text for date yet allowed know that with the healing to say because I remember in high school walking around the house for an hour about this phone call that girl I was scared to death little nervous. Oh my, are your pride doubted multiple times and then finally she picks up and you just but what training that is for real life. But if I had a phone back then you scared to go hey you mentioned going out. I don't know you very low risk, but this yeah relationship training Mary's training and people get married today and they've never done that and they wonder why it's so hard and never cultivated and their parents have done a good job soon. I can let you take the easy way out.
Give me your phone. Here's my phone never caught whatever weather has been fun because were asking Arlene some of the questions that she put in her book. Top 10 questions and answers about screen time. Here's another one. What if my son is left out because his friends all play video games and we were even doing it at a church these days.
You know you go when guys are playing video games. So not at our church. Of course, those are interchurch or that some people do that. So how does your son deal with that. This is a huge question because I think many parents they don't want their child to be disadvantage. Of course we don't want to tell abusive and so will say okay you can do that because I want you to fit in, and I want you to have friends I don't want you to be ostracize her alone so that makes sense. So with Ethan. He'll say that people don't. His friends are okay with it and he has friends who don't game a lot and I think that helps. So for every child that you're saying like you can't be on social media. You can't be on video rooms, etc. you also trying to help them find things they can do so it's not just like you don't do this you don't do this you but hey working will hang out with this person at the park were going to go do this sport together, working to learn this coordinate You.
There's gotta be other stuff. So for Ethan. He has other skills other things he likes to do with arts piano or sports and so he can find friendship, and there is the key he can find friendship with other boys his age through other activities whether T plays chess with a friend that that's two years older than him. He played ultimate frisbee in the park with some other school friends. So there are things he can do so. I know feel sometimes like video games is the only way to connect with what you hear that all the time. Video games is the only way to connect with boys but there's a basketball and there's a football and there's a chessboard there. You know you can have a building project. You could learn on the job skills. I mean there's a lot of things that boys could do together to connect and then to realize that your kid that you allowed to play video games. He might feel really great right now but if a boy grows up around video games and there is a higher risk of addiction. 4/10 will deal with some kind of addiction, like something by addiction I mean I haven't taken a shower because I'm playing the game I don't do my homework because I'm playing the game. I was just invited to go out to do something I usually like, but I've decided not to do it because of the game.
Those are the kinds of things I'm talking about when I say diction so a lot of boys because of video games that will happen to them and so how is that going to affect them when they go for that first job interview when they go to college you. How is that can affect them so they might be really having fun now but later will they be left out when conversations are not around video games because they're real comfortable in the gaming community.
But if you take them out of the gaming community then there really at a loss to also to think like long-term, so short-term you know you might have to struggle little bit with friendships, but long-term.
What's this house is going to help him. Parents are listening, thinking it's so much easier just to have the quick fix because especially if they're teenagers in middle school or high school. You're kind of preparing yourself for battle like they're going to give me so much flak but it really starts with the conversation is what you're saying and you can point your kids to Dr. Andrew Doan. He's an author. He's written a book called hooked on games and he is a John Hopkins trained neuroscientist and he was addicted to games and as an adult in medical school on a full ride scholarship from the age of 25 to 35.
He was playing 80 to 100 hours a week and was basically saying he was functioning like a dry drunk. He would just sleep for three hours a day, he was still able to keep his medical practice. He was married.
He had children. He was barely holding it together but it finally came, all crashing down on him and he had to make a change and so he's a really good example of how this can sincerely and seriously impact your life that is crazy yes been pretty brilliant to be functioning on street was asleep for 10 years but in years yeah and he said it was when physically he was starting to lose things.
His hands because he been gaming for so long.
And here he is, you know, the surgeon, he can't have that.
That's what really scared him and he said I've got to do something you know they were on the verge of divorce are all sorts of problems.
Why know this when I sit down.
It's rare, but everyone slow to play a videogame with my adult sons down there 30s and late 20s.
I'm always embarrassed because I'm no good Lord Pine Ridge racers rear I love fast car game right and they kill me sooner. I dad here so wave and there is zipping around and I feel really bad at the same time. I like that's a good thing is I didn't waste my life getting good at this that I think there been times in my oldest son had a PSP this little gaming thing and I would play Ridge racer to be on a plane to be planet and you know you get like I want to get the next level. I gotta get this thing and I'm like I used to be sitting here thinking how can I have a conversation with this person hopeful on the plane yeah because I have a mindset that God wants to use me to lead people to his son wherever I go. Whether it's on an airplane in an airport in a newer car, you name that is my calling in life.
That's all of our calling. Go and make disciples and what am I doing right now I'm really looking at this dude. In fact, I look over and he's looking at a screen that I thought you know if I put this thing away and I said hey man how you doing that you conversation could leave. Who knows where a guy could use me and I just thought that is what I do not want to do my life I do not want to be looking down.
I want to live life looking up at God and what is doing in my life and wants to do in me and through me at others digital world is a blessing from God.
But if you're not careful you can lead you to lose what life is about primarily loving God and loving others.
In fact, parents are's life happening right in front of you right now and you need to be engaged in our screens can be a great tool as they will soon just to but our screens make lousy friends, and I think that's the heart of what David and Wilson up in talking about with Arlene Peloquin this week.
We have to make sure we are connecting with people not with devices we have to make sure our relationships are healthy and strong because that's where life is use your screens for what they are intended to be used for. Don't try to make them more than they ought to be when this is especially important for our children who are growing up in a screen saturated culture Arlene cocaine is address the subject in her book, which is called screen kids. It's all about five relational skills every child needs the tech driven world, and would love to send you a copy of this book we are making Arlene's book available to family life today listers who want to help extend the reach of this ministry help us reach more people more often with practical biblical help and hope for marriages and families every day. There are hundreds of thousands of people who are coming to us for for equipping and mentoring for training. One of the good uses for the Internet and for devices we think you make this program possible is radio broadcast is a podcast you make all that we do it, family life happens when you donate and so again if you're able to help with the donation today. Not only will you be extending the reach of family life helping more husbands and wives, moms and dads know how to navigate the challenges of marriage and family life, but you also receive as a thank you gift from us Arlene pelicans book screen kids.
You can donate unwanted family life to.com or you can call one 800 FL today to donate over the phone. We are grateful for your partnership. We look forward to hearing from you and we talked about the fact that that there are good uses for technology in our daily David Robbins was the person family life is here with us and were doing all we can let family life to try to wisely use technology as a way to connect people with practical biblical help and hope in one of the ways we've done that they produce. By developing a family life app to give people immediate access to help them Hope Rush absolutely amazing technology and the 4 inch screen in our pocket that is taken over our world in some way can be used for some really destructive things, but it can also be used for incredibly redemptive things and how do we redeem the 4 inch screen in our pocket.
One of the ways is by getting access to biblical truth and that's why the family life app exist. That's why we've improved it recently again and working to continue to do everything we can to make that a place where you can access things easily. You can share with other people, you can stop and start and even put it on doubletime. If you're in a bit bit of a hurry and Bob Pease talking to slow you know like we want to do everything we can to provide help and hope that you need as easily as possible. I do not fester for the gunny deduct best you can find the family life to the app when you go to your app store. Just type in family life is one word or Apple come up. You can download when you have instant access to this program and other resources that are available from us here at family life. Thank you, David, and we hope you have a great week and hope you and your family are able to worship together with your local church this weekend and I hope you can join us on Monday when were to talk about our own relationship with our screens. When the speakers could be here in tell us about a 40 day media fast. She took and how cleansing it was for her own soul.
Hope you can join us for that on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson on Bob Hope you have a great weekend see you Monday for another edition of family life, family life today is a production of family accrued ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most