The Gift of Singleness

Okay, honey, here's a question. I'm ready. See, if you remember, I know you do. Okay.

When I wanted to ask you out, what'd your dad say? No, absolutely not. You will never date Dave Wilson. And why is that? Because you had a horrible reputation. Terrible. Yeah, but guess what? You married me.

Yeah, he lost. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson. And I'm Dave Wilson.

And you can find us at familylifetoday.com or on our Family Life app. This is Family Life Today. I mean, I'll never forget that. Her dad barred me from the house. He was my baseball coach and he knew a little too much. You got the girl, though. But I got the girl and we dated long enough. In fact, today we're going to talk about dating with J.P. Pacluta.

And he wrote a great book called Outdated Find Love That Lasts When Dating Has Changed. J.P., great to have you with us. Thanks for having me. And this is so much fun to be with you, too. So I'm just glad that we can do this, man. I have fun when we are together, truly. We do, too.

I feel like we're learning from J.P. a lot. Yeah, I'm glad we're not dating anymore, but I mean, we are dating as a married couple. Yeah, we still date. We have some hot dates.

Yeah, we do. She didn't respond very good to that. That means they're not that hot. She looked at me like, do you think those are hot? No, she said, yeah, we do.

Oh, was it not enthusiastic enough? No. Oh, yeah, we do. Yeah, whatever. Now you're lying on radio.

So the J.P., now you're a pastor of Harris Creek Baptist in Waco. Yeah. What's that like? It's awesome.

Is it? Man, it's great. So God is doing a work in Waco and there's a unique, I would tell you, a unique spiritual battle being fought there. And it's it's fun to get to preach the gospel, to preach the word and to watch lives being changed every week. It's incredible. That's great.

And we've, you know, already talked about a little bit about your book, as you've just said, you know, for years, you were at the porch and at the Watermark Church in Dallas and thousands of singles. And so you watch dating sort of go wrong. Yeah. Or have sort of, you know, a lot of fun.

Yeah. Or have so many questions that you said, I've got to write something to help couples, singles. Yeah, so much of ministry is pattern recognition. And so, yeah, you're sitting on the front row watching disaster happen in the way that people date and also watching marriages happen.

I mean, you know, being a pastor, I've done dozens of marriages and people who come together and you genuinely, you stand before their family and friends. You're like, I think God brought these two together. This is awesome. And this is going to be great.

If marriages were stuck, I'm going long here. This is amazing. But then you see so many tragedies as well and you just start recognizing the patterns. And what it does is it gives legitimacy to the word of God.

You see how brilliant he is and how much he loves us to give us the instruction that he's given us. Well, as you know, I mean, the Bible is in a dating book. It's not really even mentioned because dating wasn't something that was taking place at the time of biblical times. But it does talk about singleness. So before we even get into the topic, talk to us a little bit about single, because I know often in churches being a pastor, you're a pastor, you look out there and here's what I think is going on. You see single people sitting there and they're looking at the married couples going, oh, if I could just be married. And then you have the married people looking at the single people thinking, man, I wish I had that freedom.

We can't learn. Yeah, the greatest marriage verse and singleness versus godliness with contentment is great gain, which has nothing to do with marriage or singleness, but everything to do with finding contentment. And I think the church has missed it here, friends. I think we've elevated marriage to be the varsity to the JV singleness, which is an unbiblical idea.

That's just not what the scripture teaches. In first Corinthians, chapter seven, verse seven, the apostle Paul and the Holy Spirit through the apostle Paul says that singleness is a gift. Paul says, I wish you were that as I am, you know, but some have that gift.

Others have this one. And so he calls it a gift. And so we talk about in church, if you've been in church long, you've heard of the gift of singleness.

This is important for you, parents. OK, so lean in, because some of you, you're praying parents and you've prayed for your children's spouse since they were born. But have you ever prayed for their singleness? Like, have you ever prayed they'd be faithful in their singleness? Like if God doesn't have a spouse for them in this fallen world that we live in, even if they desire one. Right.

That they would they would honor him in their singleness and to be OK with that and not to feel like that's less. And yeah, every every Thanksgiving and Christmas. Oh, you're alone again. That's not helpful.

Parents are not helpful. And so Paul calls it a gift. So we should we should look at it like it's a gift. But Paul's really just expounding on the teachings of Jesus. And in a lesser known verse in Matthew 19, Jesus says there are some who are celibate for the sake of the kingdom. He says not everyone can accept this, but those who can should. And so Jesus himself puts put singleness on this pedestal as something that's that's really awesome to be sought after.

And let me just say this. Both Paul and Jesus were single. Jesus, the most complete human being that has ever walked the planet Earth. So, you know, they say, well, marriage. Oh, you complete me, Jerry Maguire, whatever. Jesus was the most complete human being that has ever lived. And he lived.

He was a thirty three year old man who who had never been on a date. OK, that that's who that's who we follow. Which in that culture was unusual, too.

Absolutely. And and so I think that that's the part that we haven't taught on very well is like, hey, singleness is good. It's a gift. I think that the single listeners, they're like, what if I have the gift?

What do I do? I know how to tell you if you have the gift. It's a one survey question. I can ask you one question and I've never been wrong.

I have 100 percent accuracy on this. If you answer this question affirmative, you have the gift of singleness. And here it is. Here's the question.

Did you wake up this morning single? Because if you did, you have the gift of singleness. Now, we think about that gift is like chronic or terminal or it's it's going to be there forever.

We don't know that. He just says it's a gift when you have it. It's a gift. So we should see it as a gift. But why don't people see it as a gift? Like, I think somebody just listened to that, especially a woman, heard that and thought, I hope that's not my gift. Why is that?

Well, several reasons. I do think it's there's nothing wrong with the desire to be married. You know, the scripture does say whoever finds finds a wife, finds what is good and receives favor in the Lord. It's good. It's marriage is a good thing. And it teaches us about God. It teaches us about the Trinity.

It teaches us about how the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit complement one another. Right. But singleness teaches us about the supremacy and sufficiency of Jesus. Singleness teaches us that he's enough.

And the reason that we don't believe that is for some of us, he's not enough. Right. And I want you to know, single friends, you know, none of you, not one of you are going to get to heaven and say, hey, God, what's up? How come you withheld that from me? Right.

Nobody does it. It's a conversation that's never happened. God, why did you keep me single?

Right. And and the truth is, for most of you, if you desire marriage, you'll find it. But as my friend said earlier, most married people want to be single and most single people want to be married.

We just can't ever find contentment. And I think we have to learn contentment, gratitude, knowing that God gives us good gifts. All every good and perfect gift comes from the Father of heavenly lights. So to appreciate it and the way that you appreciate a gift, you don't keep it wrapped, you don't put it on the shelf.

You use the gift. And the apostle Paul used his gift of singleness very well. He wrote most of the New Testament. He built the kingdom. Jesus uses his gift of singleness very well. He laid his life down for our sins. And so you should think, how can I use this gift in uninhibited way? As First Corinthians seven says.

Yeah, it really is interesting. What you said is Jesus enough? That question is has to be answered by single people and married people.

Absolutely. I mean, we sort of joke about it, but singles are thinking married people don't need to answer that. They have found contentment in a spouse.

And so certainly Jesus is enough. And we're all sitting here. We're all married. We're like, oh, no, that's a big question for us. Married.

And it's the same thing for a single person. So it really is the question of life. Am I content in Christ alone? Well, I have found myself as a married woman laying in bed beside Dave.

The most amazing man on the universe. Thinking I am so lonely. Yeah.

And I think a lot of married people can feel a real sense of lonely. You have to be that honest. That went somewhere different. That went somewhere different than you thought. I didn't think that's what it was going to be. I am so fulfilled that this man beside me. And that's the point.

You really are amazing. Oh, now she's trying to fail herself out. But Jesus, it used to make me think Dave is not enough. He's not doing his part.

He's not living up to his role or his expectations that I have of him. But now I think, hmm, have I taken my eyes off of Jesus and put them on Dave wanting him to fill my needs? So I think married people can do that and single people can do that. I love how you broke the book up because you get lies, lies we sort of believe. And then what the truth is and one of your lies is written this way. The lie being single is a waiting period for something better. Yeah, that's the lie. The truth that better is available now. Yeah.

So what's that mean? How is singleness better now? Yeah, just let me start speaking experientially and then I'll wrap up with what the scripture says.

And so before I was a Christian, like as a single person, because I was I was a non-Christian single person than a Christian single person. And you're always talking about doing something great, man. One day we're going to backpack through Europe.

One day we're going to go do this. And what you end up doing as a pagan, like as I was, is the same things over and over and over. Sin really robs you of creativity. You just kind of get stuck in these ruts. And and so when I became a Christian, you know, uninhibited by marriage.

Right. I was able to, you know, I found myself on a trip to Africa where we were training the government on conflict resolution. And then on this, you know, went on the safari and overseas and went on on a boat for six days in Brazil and got off in the jungle and telling people about Jesus and did that trip like four times.

And then went to Haiti and went to rural Haiti and and urban Haiti and and then kind of tribal Haiti in the mountains. And with all of these different people getting to talk about Jesus, I was like, man, this is a full life. Like this is I am really, really living and I've experienced the full life that Christ offers. Well, Paul writes in First Corinthians 70, he talks about the married man is concerned for the affairs of his household or his wife.

And the single person is uninhibited in that way. They're concerned about the things of the kingdom. And that I was concerned about the things of the kingdom. And I got married. Marriage is good. But so is singleness. Singleness is good, too. I got married and and then I didn't go on any of those trips.

Right. We had kids shortly thereafter and I went on one trip to Haiti, but I had to cut it short because I had to come back for for a soccer tournament. And so you just in that short little story as that example, I mean, what I've experienced firsthand, you see how that shifted. And so for my single friends out there, I would just say what it looks like to live in singleness as as a gift, as God has described it in the scriptures, is to live it for the kingdom of heaven. That's what Jesus says in Matthew 19, that you would focus on building the kingdom. He says in Matthew six thirty three, seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be added.

So what does it look like to wake up on mission? Now, I'm not saying because don't write me off as some unaware pastor that you you just have nothing but time because you're single. I know you're busy.

Right. But be busy doing the right things, watching the right things, hanging out with the right people, living on mission. Like you have a friend group that I hope you have the friend group that if you look around and you're like, wow, the five of us, if we just picked anything and we said, hey, we want to do away with pornography. Like you could do it. You know, you could make that happen.

We we want to end sex trafficking. Like you could do it like you give your life to that. Find a cause and give your life to that. And it's not to say that you won't be married. You probably will be if you want to be.

You probably will be. But don't think that marriage is more ultimate than singleness. That's a mistake. It's unbiblical. It's an anti biblical idea. So if you're single and you really don't want to be, what are our steps?

What do we do? Yeah. You know, this this is the beauty of being a part of of Jesus's body.

That is the church. And so you have all these people around you. I would say to single friends who desire marriage and feel like they have no prospects. I would go to your married friends and tell them, like, hey, I really want to be married.

And do you know of anybody? And like begin like this. That's this whole concept of arranged marriage, if you will feel needy or desperate. No, we love it. I mean, you guys know, like I would be encouraged if single friends came to set down at the table with Monica and I just said, hey, guys, I just want you to know. I know that I'm single. I don't want to be like, you know, I want to be married.

Do you know of anybody? Is there anyone out there that that you think that I would be a good wife for or a good husband for and begin to think think about that way? I would say go where those people are. If you've been in church long as a single person, you've probably heard this. But but just like, you know, go to the well, if you will, where where where the servants are, like people who serve Christ. Go be make sure you're hanging out where they are and not as a desperate person or anything, but just like, hey, this we're looking, you're looking, I'm looking like this isn't a meat market, as the world wants to say. It's like, no, we're just this is God's people who desire to be married and we're hanging out in this place.

Have you connected some people? Oh, yeah, for sure. Me too. It feels good. I love doing that. Absolutely. Like that's that's fun.

It's fun for your married friends. And then I would say initiate. And that sometimes different people are different places on that spectrum.

If you look at your life and you realize like, man, I've just been really passive here. So just just initiate. I just think love must be sincere. And we've really complicated this with playing games. You know, right now it's ghosting like these are the problems that people feel today that that desire marriage. They feel like guys aren't asking girls out. Guys feel like girls are always saying no because their standards are so high.

And and then they're they're they're playing games like it's there's ghosting sliding into DMS. You're hiding behind technology. And Romans 12 says love must be sincere. So just communicate how you feel. You don't have to complicate it. Like, oh, what can I or is the rule?

What does the rule say about this? And what do I do? And how do I if I say this will scare him away? It's just OK to say, man, I've been thinking a lot about you lately. And I would love to spend more time together. Let me know if if you're ever interested in something like that. OK, should a woman say that to a man?

And should she ask a guy out? So that that's the that's the thing I was talking about. That's a little bit controversial.

And I just I look at the scripture and I don't see anything forbidden in there. And so I like that language. I'll give it to you again. I've been thinking a lot about you lately and I really enjoy when we spend time together.

If that's something that you're ever interested in, let me know. And that's not asking a guy out. That's just communicating clearly how you feel. And I would just say, here's the deal with with asking guys out.

I don't see it forbidden in the scripture, but you are choosing your problems. And a big issue today in marriage is male passivity and apathy. And so you just want to be aware that if he likes you, but he's afraid to initiate, you may be choosing passivity. And that's something that that would be a red flag.

That's something that I would be watching out for. I do remember on one of our early dates talking about being honest and authentic and vulnerable. I said to Ian in your driveway at your parents house, you remember? I said, boy, I'm really starting to fall for you. I feel like I'm falling in love with you and I do not want to. I just came out of a four year relationship. I don't want to I don't want to get married. I don't want to date anybody, really. I just want to be friends. But I got to be honest, I'm really liking you and I want to take this farther. I don't know what to do. And I remember looking at her again. She's 18.

I should be the mature one here. And she just looks at me and goes, why don't we just trust Jesus with this? I'm like, what do you mean?

She goes, we don't know what he wants to do. Let's just give it to him and see where he takes it. Let's get all the I feel this.

I'm thinking this. What do you think? Let's throw that all out the window and trust him. In fact, I think we should date other people. You want to date other people?

Go for it. Why are we trying to confine this thing? Let's see what God does. I'm like, oh, yeah, that's a good answer. Let's pray. I would have been like, date other people. How did we get there?

How did that happen? That's not where that was going. But I think there was a freedom in feeling like we just want to do what Jesus wants us to do. And we prayed that prayer every time we were together because we were fearful. We didn't know what the future looked like.

And we didn't date anybody else. Just think in the prayer is so important. That's the way we started this time together right now. And just this idea that Jesus is driving, I know that's really ethereal for a lot of the listeners right now.

Like, oh, gosh, how do I make that abstract idea real? And first and foremost, he needs to be the biggest thing in your life, right? He needs to be where you draw contentment from that no person, no other person than Christ is going to complete you or fulfill you. And so you want to be fulfilled in your relationship with Jesus Christ, pursuing him. And and then really you're inviting someone into that. The way that I look at marriage, the marriages, the weddings that I've done is I'm like, this is a ministry strengthening in force because it's two ministries coming together.

Both of these people are individually involved in ministry and now they're coming together to partner in ministry for the rest of their lives. And everybody's looking for, you know, this this this person that they're compatible with. There's really no compatibility between two sinners, if you think about it, like we just repel each other. And so I wouldn't look for someone that I'm compatible with. I would look for someone I'm complementary to that if we come together like I wanted.

I thought Monica and my common interests were going to carry us through marriage, but really those common interests faded fast. And she's very, very different than me. And I've learned to absolutely love that. I love the way that she is nurturing and soft and kind with our kids.

Right. And I tend to be a little to be stronger and more direct and and and sometimes a jerk. And she balances that in our parenting and in our ministry. And so that's really what you're looking for is a partner. You know, you're looking for a partner if you desire marriage and it's good to desire marriage. Marriage is a good thing. But if you're single, that's also a good thing. And so just know that, believe that, realize that.

And people say, well, how do I what if I don't start with prayer? Lord, would you help me see this as a good thing? Help me to live in my singleness in a way that honors you. J.P., thanks. Your wisdom is astounding. It's God's wisdom. I'm plagiarizing the greatest book ever written.

Yeah, it is. And I can see a lot of us sending this book outdated to our friends, to our kids. Like, I think that this will really benefit so many people. I pray with me that it changes the landscape because there's so much division in our world today. And so much of that, that the problems go to the family unit.

And so I think that if we can change the family unit at its genesis, which is really when a boy meets a girl, that that it could change, you know, the greatest challenges in our land today. So just join me in that prayer. Will you pray? We pray for the listeners.

Absolutely. Father, thank you for the gift of relationships. Thank you that you said that it's not good for us to be alone. And that doesn't mean that we have to be married, that when you walk this earth, you weren't married. And so you said that singleness is good and you said that marriage is good.

And so for anyone who is listening to this, here's this right now. And they're single and they feel discontent and just despairing. Lord, would you fill their heart with hope and peace and joy and remind them that you have a plan for them and even a plan for them to use their gift today. And for anyone who's married listening, Lord, I pray you bless their marriage. And I pray that they would help their single friends, that they would have hearts to help them find someone if they desire marriage. Lord, I do ask that you would heal our land, heal the division that exists in our land. And would you start at the genesis when someone meets that they would honor you in the way that they pursue each other, that you would be at the foundation of any love that is born there, that they would first and foremost love you, that they would have a relationship with Jesus. If anyone is listening right now and doesn't know you, Lord, I pray that you would release the hounds of heaven after their heart and that they would trust in the death and the resurrection of your son as a payment for their sins.

Lord, we love you and we trust you in Jesus name. Amen. Amen.

Thank you. I think we just have to acknowledge that being single in this culture in the 21st century there are challenges. It's hard. And knowing how to navigate life as a single in a way that honors God is particularly challenging. That's why Jonathan Pakluta has written the book Outdated, Find Love That Lasts When Dating Has Changed. It's really a book to help people think more carefully, more biblically when it comes to the issues of singleness and dating. We've got copies of the book in our Family Life Today Resource Center. We'd love to send you a copy. You can order it from us online at familylifetoday.com or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to get your copy of the book.

Again, it's called Outdated, Find Love That Lasts When Dating Has Changed by Jonathan Pakluta. Order online at familylifetoday.com or call to order at 1-800-358-6329. That's 1-800-F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today.

Now, think with me for just a minute. Is there someone you know, maybe in your office or in your neighborhood, maybe somebody at church, who's a single mom raising her kids and experiencing the challenges that come with being a single mom? Earlier this week, we talked with Peggy Sue Wells and Pam Farrell about the challenges that single moms face. They've written a book called The 10 Best Decisions a Single Mom Can Make. And we want to make that book available to you so that you can give it to someone you know who would benefit from reading it. In fact, we're making the book available this week to anyone who can support the Ministry of Family Life with a donation.

Your donation will help extend the reach of this program. And when you get the book, you can write a note to a friend, give them the book, and who knows, that could open the door for ongoing conversations about your faith, about their life, about how you can help one another. Again, we'd love to send you a copy of the book, The 10 Best Decisions a Single Mom Can Make. Go to familylifetoday.com and make a donation or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate.

When you do, request your copy of the book and we're happy to send it out to you. And we are so grateful for your investment, not just in this ministry, but your investment in the lives of other couples, other families, helping us effectively develop godly marriages and families. That's what family life today is all about, and we appreciate your partnership. And we hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship together in your local church this weekend. And I hope you can join us on Monday when our friend Ron Hutchcraft is going to be here. Ron lost his wife recently and has been through a season of trying to process the grief and the pain that comes with that. He's written a book called Hope When Your Heart is Breaking, and we'll talk about that with him on Monday. I hope you can join us. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I am Bob Lapine. We will see you Monday for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life, a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.