De-Cluttering Our Homes

All right, do you know what one of the best days of the pandemic were for me?

I have no idea. I walked in my closet and I said, today's the day. I'm clearing out all the stuff I don't need because I was wearing the same sweatpants every day anyway. I am so happy you did that. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson.

And I'm Dave Wilson, and you can find us at familylifetoday.com or on our Family Life app. This is Family Life Today. You remember I came downstairs with bags of clothes, and then the argument was, do we give them the Salvation Army or do we throw them in the trash? But it was just such a freeing moment. It's like, I have time to do this and I'm going to do this. And I like it when you do it because you have a tendency to hold on to things. I'm not a hoarder. Because of memories.

No, you're not a hoarder, but you like to collect things. Yeah. And today we've got Ron Deal from Family Life blended with us. Ron, welcome to Family Life Today. Thank you. It's always good to be with you guys. You're always one of our favorites. You're a hero.

You're wise. And we love that you lead the Family Life blended podcast. And I think we have so many people that have benefited from listening to you and your wisdom over the years. Thank you.

I appreciate that. And you talked to somebody on this episode that's a declutterer. Let me tell you, Kathy Lipp is a riot. She is a speaker and author, 17 books. She writes prolifically about decluttering your life, just dealing with life.

So Ron, I'm thinking you're talking to blended families. You're helping us. Why this book? Yeah.

Well, because it's also a metaphor, right? We don't just declutter our physical space. We declutter our heart. We try to declutter spiritually what's going on with us and get that stuff out of the way so we can function well and live beautifully. I went into this conversation thinking, no, there's nothing here for me.

I was wrong. She had so much to say that I needed to hear everything from where do I put my books from graduate school that my wife hates. Kathy Lipp is an expert in helping people declutter their life. So as you listen, be thinking about your own life and your own physical spaces and how you steward that well, and then we're going to enter into that spiritual realm and apply the same principles to the rest of our lives. Kathy, in your book, The Clutter Free Home, you say that your home should be beautiful because you live in it, not because someone else might see it. I thought that is so practical and direct and helpful, but let's unpack that for a minute.

What's behind that? Well, I think that for many of us, and I know I lived this way for years and years, is that my house got really cute when I knew somebody was coming. And I wanted people to feel comfortable in my home, but I realized I wasn't making myself or my family necessarily a priority in our own homes. It was always about if somebody else was coming, and let's just talk about when the in-laws were coming, that's when the stash and dash happened, right?

We went from a clutter castle to home beautiful in an hour and a half. The problem was you had to live with the aftermath of that. What a burden to put on your family, what a burden to put on yourself. And it kind of sends a message to the family too, like you're not worth cleanliness or I don't know, something like that.

Right, right. And you know, everybody has a certain amount of chaos in their house. And especially if you're a blended family, can we just all get an extra little pass? When you're trying to blend two different family styles and trying to blend all these people who are not necessarily always having a kumbaya moment, let's just say when you pull in a blended family, that's going to cause even more chaos. I also know this, the more intentional we are about not having a perfect house, but having a house that functions and serves the people who are living there, it makes all the difference in setting the tone for the family and how they operate.

Now, I like that part that you just said, serves the people living there. How are we serving them by decluttering? I was just speaking at a big conference a week ago, and when I asked people, what is the heart reason behind decluttering?

And I spoke several different sessions. And at each session, one woman said, I have a child who struggles with either they are on the spectrum or they have some kind of emotional need or physical challenge. And by decluttering the home, they are able to make life just a little less chaotic, just a little bit more purposeful for that child who just needs a little bit more order in their lives. The other thing is, let's not discount what we as parents need.

When we come home at the end of a long day or we've been in our homes for a long day, to be able to put our eyes on some peace or a clear spot, it makes all the difference in the world. Okay. There are some great reasons why decluttering is helpful, let's back up a step. Why do we clutter ourselves? What's that about?

Okay. So I have finally figured out exactly what clutter is. Clutter is just decisions. We are so tired at the end of the day, especially about making one more decision. Let's think about all the decisions we have to make during a day. And if you're a blended family, you are doubling those decisions. And not all the people you're making decisions for are rising up and calling you blessed all the time.

And so if we can avoid... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Are you suggesting they might rise up and call you something else? I can imagine that I've been called a name or two. You can imagine.

In my day. I can imagine. Just maybe. Possibly.

Possibly that's happened. All right. I'm sure our family's listening, but in my particular case... So it's decisions.

Maybe you're tired, you're exhausted, whatever it is. You have to make a decision about this thing, and you get stuck. I know in your book, you pointed out, you said fear, guilt, and shame. How does that get in the way of decisions?

Okay. So fear is the idea of, what if I need it someday? I'm going to keep it just in case. And so we have a house that's filled with things for a potential life that we're not living. I probably hung on to my scrapbooking stuff for 10 years longer than I needed to when I made the decision, I'm not scrapbooking anymore.

That's just not who my family is. So fear is just in case, or what if I need it someday? The paralysis of, I can't spend money on it again, will keep us spending thousands of dollars in storage units and storage boxes to store things that we don't even care about.

So that's fear. Guilt is, so-and-so gave it to me. So because my kid made something for me in third grade, I've got to keep it for the rest of my life to prove my love, which is ridiculous.

And you do know that kid's going to grow up when they're 35, and they're going to ask you if you have that thing they made for you in 30, right? I mean, because all of our kids, I did that to, wait, I never did that to my parents. Never did that. Never did that.

You know what? Our kids, our adult kids don't want stuff. When you carefully curated their lives into little folders, and you kept the handprint, and you kept the aid that they got on that test they really studied for, and when they move out of the house, they say, I have all your things, and they're like, yeah, I don't want that. But you're thinking, somebody has to take it, so you keep it. But if they don't care enough about it to take it, why do you care more than they do about their own lives? And then finally, so there's fear, there's guilt, and then there's shame.

I spent so much money on it. And so we think that, I don't know, by keeping that pair of shoes that is killing our feet every time we wear them, so we've worn them exactly once, we think by keeping them somehow we're earning back the value, whereas I would much rather see those be donated so somebody who doesn't feel like they're being tortured every time they wear those shoes can actually enjoy them. Okay. So let me ask you another question.

It's kind of a two parter. Have you always been a clutter-free person, and if not, how did you start making the decisions you needed to make in order to become a clutter-free person? So my dad was really and truly a hoarder. He was controlled by my mom, but his mom was very creative and kept everything, and he never learned how to make those decisions. And I'll never say I was as bad as my dad, but when I started my own family, a lot of those fear things that he had were passed down to me. And because I had never thought of another way to live, I embraced them. I had this poverty mentality. If I buy this once, I never have to buy it again, so I'm going to keep it for the rest of my life. The problem was, I couldn't find that thing when I needed it. And so there may have been seven can openers in my house at one time. There may have been six hole punches in my house at one time.

And the more stuff you bring in, it lowers the chances of you ever being able to find it and actually use it. So what really started to change things for me was actually when we became a blended family. We could go one way or another.

We could either just give up all control and live in chaos, or we could start to make decisions. And we were putting two stepbrothers in the same room. Decisions had to be made.

We were putting two stepsisters in the same room. My husband and I were combining lives. And so I would love to say it all rained down on me. I got a revelation and everything was great from there. But really, it was a process of years of saying, I'm going to ask myself, why am I holding on to this when there's not a rational reason to do it? And when I could figure out, okay, I'm afraid that we are not going to have money again, and I can never buy this item again. Or I'm afraid that my mom's going to come and see that I didn't put out this knick knack that she gave me.

Or we spent money on this, when we are struggling to save money, I have to keep it for the rest of my life. And when I could start to identify them, I could start to see my own faulty thinking and not only help myself make decisions, but help my kids and my husband make decisions. Well, you're listening to Family Life Today. And I got to tell you, Kathy's getting a little too close to home right there. I was thinking, I've never put together associating fear, guilt, and shame to the objects in my home and why I'm saving them. But as she's speaking, I'm thinking, yes, that's exactly why I'm holding on to those things.

Dan, we need to declutter. I told you, this stuff will really get to you fast. It does. Yeah. Yeah. So what were you thinking when you're hearing this? Well, again, I'm thinking about my own possessions and how I manage things in my life and whether I prioritize them or not and whether I need to. And it seems to me the bigger reflection here is how we think about our possessions and how much faith we put in our possessions. You know, Jesus said in Luke chapter 12 verse 15, take care and be on guard against covetousness for one's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions. We need to understand the motive behind our possessions. And sometimes that motive is fear, guilt, and what other people are going to think of us.

And sometimes it's about, no, I just really want that because it somehow makes my life better. And now that's my idol. Or it becomes my security. Yes. And idol. Right. So we got to reflect on this. We got to ask these questions and wonder what we do with our possessions. So we steward them.

They don't steward us. Boom. Boom. So you're telling me I shouldn't hang five guitars on my wall? I think we need to go back to Kathy.

She'll tell you that she will. Okay. So I want to wrap back around to decisions just for a minute.

Let's dial down. One of the things you say in the, in the clutter free home is you need to ask yourself three questions about your stuff. Do you love it? Do you use it?

Would you buy it again? Does that help you make a decision about whether you get rid of something? It really, really does because here's what I think most of us do. We go through and we start to declutter, but what we don't do is actually declutter. We just move clutter. We buy a storage box and we put it in there and what it is, it's just a delayed decision.

All storage is for the most part is delayed decisions. So if I'm able to go in there and say, do I love it? And if I love it, I get to keep it.

But here's the thing. If it's in a box in your garage, I question your love. I don't think you probably love it as much. Maybe it has some sentimental attachment, great.

Take a picture of it and upload that to your computer so you can look at it. But if you don't love it, if you don't have it out in your house every single day, then it's probably not worth keeping. When my brother and I were little, my parents had got a coffee grinder for a wedding gift. Now my parents didn't drink coffee, so my brother and I would sneak it off the shelf and we would grind up dry dog food, which was fine until my parents had company come over and they got to sit down to some Alpo flavored coffee at one point. That has not made it into Starbucks yet.

It has not. That has not been a feature flavor, but I love that coffee grinder because it reminds me of the best part of my brother where we were kids and we love to have fun. So I love that coffee grinder. There are other things I have in my house that I use that I don't love. I think about the technology and stuff like that. I don't necessarily love my microphone, my headphones, but I use them. And then would I buy it again?

So I think about emergency preparedness supplies, flashlights. Do I love it? No. Do I use it? Not really, but I would buy it again if it wasn't there because I need to be prepared. And so those are the questions I ask. It can sort of lie, and if you ask yourself, do I love it? Do I use it?

Would I buy it again? And you're not answering yes, but you still can't get rid of it. There are a couple of thoughts. One, it may be the fear, guilt or shame that you're really dealing with. So you have to go down a different level or you may just be stuck and need some help. You may need to have a good friend come over, somebody who is not judgmental. If you're in a blended family, I wouldn't necessarily have steps involved in this because it could bring up stuff that you don't really need to bring up with them. But have somebody come lovingly along and help you out.

Those are all really good suggestions. I'm going to do something dangerous here. Go for it. I'm going to ask you a question. I think my wife would ask you if she was talking to you about me. Nice. I love it.

I think she would say, does my husband, Ron, really need to keep all his books from graduate school? OK, I have an answer for that. Oh, no. No. And you're going to think the answer is no, and that's not necessarily true.

So my best solution for do you really need to keep that? And here's the thing. I lost my best example because my husband, when he was leading a youth group, played guitar.

When I was married for 15 years, I'd never seen that thing come out. And then one day somebody asked, whose guitar is that? And I said, that's Roger's. And they said, can he play us something? And I rolled my eyes and there he goes.

And he's pulling out the John Denver and I'm like, OK, fine. I can never win a clutter argument again. So here's what I would say is that both what's your wife's name, Nan, Nan, Nan. OK. But I feel like Nan gets a space in your house where you don't get to comment on any of the crazy she's keeping. That's fair.

Yes. And so you also get a space. But here's the thing. It's not unlimited space. It's a gorilla rack in the garage or it's a couple of shelves in a closet that you get to decide on. So if you want to keep all your books from graduate school, go crazy. But if it's more than that space, then you need to start making decisions.

And if you have graduate school books and you have golf clubs that you've never used and you have at home archery set that has never seen the light of day and all these things that you're like, but maybe someday. No, it has to be contained to the agreed on space. That's good. But you're not allowed to comment on Nan's craziness. We all get a little bit of crazy where we don't have to justify.

I love that we give each other grace with the crazy because we've all got a little bit of that. OK. So here's what I want to do now. Now we're going to we're going to continue to talk about clutter free homes, but we're also going to draw some parallels to clutter free blended families. All right. So here's what I want to do. I'm going to stretch you a little bit. We're going to just pull out some of the principles from your book, The Clutter Free Home.

But then I want us to just wonder out loud together, how might that apply in terms of the relationships going on with a blended family? So one of the principles you have in your book, Ten Principles for a Clutter Free Home. We don't have time to go through all of them, but let me just hit a couple of them. The first one is make clutter management a daily habit. All right. So talk about that one for a second.

OK. So as it applies to clutter, clutter is not one and done. You don't spend a weekend decluttering and then you don't have to do it again for a year. Clutter is a daily habit. And so in the book, I really suggest Monday through Saturday, each day you take one of six areas and you just do 15 minutes of decluttering every day. And at first it doesn't look like it's making a difference. But over time, you can start to see where that daily habit is making a huge difference in your home. Hmm.

I can see how that would apply. You make a choice minute to minute in the kitchen with this thing right here, right now. Yes. I make a decision. I don't love it. I'm not going to use it.

Not going to buy it. Then I'm just going to toss it. Right. And so every day you are working on it.

It becomes a part of your day and you start to feel freedom in that. OK. So I can hear the metaphor already for a blended family and relationships. Yes. You work on it every day. You don't just go on one family vacation and you've kind of fixed everything going on in life.

No. You know, one of the things that this really brings up for me is we decided to do a big, huge family vacation for my husband's 50th birthday. And we told the kids, we're not just shelling out money for you guys to come.

This is something that we're going to all work towards and save towards together. But we had regular meetings about this vacation, which sounds so over the top. But some of the things we talked about were saving money for this vacation.

We talked about it every day. And they would tell me, I'm packing my lunch so that I can put more money towards our Disney World vacation. But then the other thing we said is you need to be responsible for whether you have a good time or not. You know, you guys are young adults at this point. You're teenagers and young adults. And you can decide whether it's going to be a good day at Disney or you're going to annoy everybody around you.

And you may need to take a day off. But we had these conversations, not necessarily daily, but several times a week. And can I just tell you, it's the best family vacation we've ever been on because people were invested and they've been invested over a long time, daily and weekly, to make this a great time together. I think that is wonderful.

What a great idea. Conversation, but helping to put them in charge, empowering them to be part of the solution. You don't just have to sit back.

And of course, that has to be age appropriate for children, developmental considerations there. But the older they are, the more of a voice they need. Teachers in particular, young adults, they need to be able to have some say and influence over what happens, right?

Yes. And this is why we had Excel spreadsheets for our very fun trip to Disney World. But, you know, they wanted to go to certain places at certain times. And so we got everybody's input. The further in advance you can have those conversations, the more leeway you have to really get to a place where not necessarily everybody's happy, but everybody's heard.

The Bible has a lot to say about how we deal with stuff and where we think meaning and value is. And that's been the focus of the conversation we've listened to today as Dave and Ann Wilson, together with Ron Deal, have been interacting with Kathy Lipp. Kathy has written a helpful book on this subject called The Clutter Free Home, Making Room for Your Life. We've got copies of Kathy's book available in our Family Life Today Resource Center. You can order it from us online at familylifetoday.com. Again, that's familylifetoday.com. Or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to get a copy. The website, again, for Kathy Lipp's book, The Clutter Free Home, is familylifetoday.com. Or call to request your copy.

The number is 1-800-358-6329. That's 1-800-F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today. You know, I think for a lot of us over the last year, we've seen some of the gaps get exposed in our marriage relationship, and we've thought, yeah, there's some things that could use some adjustment, some tweaking. But we think, is that really possible?

Is that something we can actually do? Here at Family Life, we have put together a resource that is designed to help you love each other better. It's the Love You Better Plan, 30 days to love your spouse better. It's simple to use. There are daily tips, concepts, resources available in this plan.

Again, it's a free download. You can get it when you go to familylifetoday.com. And this is exciting. When you download the Love You Better Plan, you are automatically registered for an opportunity to win a cabin for two on the 2022 Love Like You Mean It marriage cruise. So somebody is going to be going with us on the cruise in February of 2022. All you have to do is go to familylifetoday.com, download the Love You Better Plan, and you're automatically eligible to go on the cruise.

There's no purchase necessary. Find out more. Again, go to familylifetoday.com and start using the Love You Better 30 Day Plan in your marriage and see if there's not some improvement made along the way. Now, tomorrow, we're going to spend some time thinking about how getting rid of things that have sentimental value can be sometimes traumatic, especially in a child's life, in a blended family. David is with us again to talk about that along with Ron Deal. I hope you can tune in for that as well. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Bob Lapine. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life, a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.