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April 12, 2021 2:00 am
Why are some of our biggest triggers exposed in our marriage relationship, and what do we do about them? Guy and Amber Lia real-life examples of hurt and healing.
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Have you tried nagging is a strategy in your marriage so that work for you guy Leo remembers when his wife Amber decided to quit nagging and start praying in the ever going from trying to change me by being upset and nagging at all those things she suddenly switch gears and say okay, I get a change him by.net you and him and not doing all the sinks and he'll eventually change this. Was Amber genuinely saying you know what I'm to take this to the Lord in heaven as the Lord to change him and I just couldn't do me this is family life today. Our hosts are David and Wilson and Bob Lapine by the sum on the family like today.com nagging is just one of those triggers that can lead to marital conflict really talk about that and other triggers today with Diane Emberley stay with us and welcome to family like today. Thanks for joining us back when we were working on the art of marriage video project. We got God group a couples together young couples and we set up the cameras and we just said what is that that your spouse does that pushes your buttons, and so here I want you to hear what these couples sure what pushes my buttons.
I think my family is a lack of respect.
He might not be very considerate sometime this a lazy to think like a lionbearing friend needs very minor emotional argument we had was about financing our pregnancy is still but also a lot of these things on issues into many of them followed up, but it wasn't always like that when you're fighting you, but I think the right to say let's be ready at 2 o'clock.
I will how to do it to and then invite 215 shall asked me if I was serious in a way like the military, something giving me an excuse excuse excuse to backtrack into like past issues and it was like okay no talk about this issue. I say this, you say that the only time Gil is in deep down you are probably not right. I'm probably just arguing witness. Sometimes the emotion overtakes logic.
He found little or I like less of a person way so hearing those couples talk about those things. I think all of us are going. I want to know.
Bob with his variances triggers you.
No know there's been nothing that's been triggering for me. I'm I am have to think about that because we we generally have a pretty peaceful relationship, but I think all of us have those you can't think of anything.
Well, here's here's an illustration here is why I this this happened a few weeks ago she was gone, visiting her mom. I was at home. It was the day before trash day and I had just taken the trash cans up to the curb and she calls a few minutes later and she says don't forget tomorrow. Trash day and my first reaction. This wasn't her fault. This was my first reaction is like like, don't you think I know how to take care of myself like I can take the trash up like you think I need an appointment secretary to fill me on all this and then I realized that's my issue. That's not her shoestring be helpful. She wasn't trying to be my my mother and all this, so I had to pull back God's not her. In this case it was the trigger wasn't her was Macy McCarran.
You have a trigger so many we are and talk about a bunch of them because we got the house here with us today who were thrilled to have with us is a trigger, eggs, breezy relate guy and Emberley are joining us in family like today guys, welcome you here before you were here with Wendy speak to talk about parenting triggers things your kids do that because you was apparent to go into the unhappy place.
Very happy place, and now you to have written a book on marriage triggers and you had to get.I was told this that you had to go lineup people to talk to because you didn't have any of your own place that I have a lot to pull from C retreat you into this world.
You know she actually wanted to write this with Wendy and Wendy gave her of her blessing to go on and write it yourself and I think every kind started to think about doing that myself and then she said what women I should do this with my husband and in so as soon as she said to me I was a little shocked as it never in my life thought I would write a book. But here we are. I also come from a background when I have a hard time reading books by PhD's and in these people that are so well known in the well studied. I have always needed to hear from someone who is in the trenches and so I felt this is an opportunity for us to share our trenches and hopefully have a different perspective on the these trigger triggered by writing to praise God. There were lots of Smith processes writing together. I mostly because we tagteam Tina. We took turns in that process. But yes, of course, and I think that some of the things we want people understand is and you guys know this when you write it marriage back together or parenting that it is not that you don't have these issues and that you never will again. How exactly to think you've been through and had some growth and encouragement you want to share with others. You guys identify the book 31, marriage, and marriage triggers, one for every day of the month you sit down and brainstorm a list or how did you come up with these 31 marriage of Rotella. All I can triggers that Wendy and I do a lot of travel. We hear from readers all the time and an amazing ministry and everywhere we went we heard people say nice and so helpful in my parenting and applying it to other relationships too, but I sure wish that there was a specific about triggers and marriage and sell right from the start for several years God had planted that seed in my heart but I was resistant tonight because we had a difficult marriage for a lot of years and just because you become vulnerable in one area of your life and ministry doesn't mean you're always in a hurry to peel back another layer and expose yourself and sell it took a lot of prayer and and me just being willing to say okay what if this is really what you want me to do then will move forward and do that and we thankfully did you just cracked the door open so I'm pushing it open a little farther difficult marriage for a number of years.
Yes yes I triggered marriage, and I think what we realized is that wasn't on the case of adultery or or some major conflict that happened but for there was justice. We settled into a place of unhappiness and we can put our finger on it like my happy.
Why are we becoming so much and we could tell that there was a town in a culture that was being fostered in our home that we didn't realize was there until one day we just looked at each other and we were pretty far apart and we began to invite God into our marriage and it started with me needing to be humble because I spent a lot of years marking and a lot of years and pointing fingers and then finally the largest think, why don't you stop trying to fix guy because that's not working. Why don't you just do what you would like to do for you. The golden rule right doing to others is a tailor and I'll try that as soon as I said okay Lord work on me. I began to realize that kaizen did not justify man and when I recognized that little by little we could back together again. But it was by identifying all those little things now being a backseat driver, poor communication skills when the house was a mess when we were not parenting on the same page. All these little things that just added up, we began to tackle one of them at a time in our own marriage guided to notice a change because you hear never story and its pretty similar and had a similar thing and I noticed something change. Did you notice when ember started. Maybe stop Megan or I don't know what she did want to know what she did yes I did.
I did notice so we came into marriage. We got married later life and all the things that you think I was really set in my single ways and utilize how old were you when I was 37 and 38 years of singleness you develop. This is how life is supposed you yeah I mean II had a thriving career as an executive I have my own apartment that I lived in that I had was very well taken care of and I just have my ways and so I think I came into marriage with a picture of being this amazing husband, but the day to day. I didn't realize what that really meant in a big piece for me, that caused me a three year stumble.
I'd say the intermarriage was when we got married three months later, we are pregnant, so I never had a foundation of a relationship with my wife as friends and as a young married couple. We literally exchange wedding registry gifts for baby gifts, family room and you get morning sickness exceedingly well my whole pregnancy three months thanks to you and that three months I was an executive so I was working 16 hour days I come up from work and have an hour to with her she go to bed and I stay up working for another couple of hours. I wake up early in the morning and work so we didn't even have an opportunity to have much of a relationship. So it really caused some a lot of tension in the beginning.
So when she started to back off from nagging yes did you go I know what's going on here. Yes I did and forget exactly what that point was, but I did notice that it was a relationship difference between us. I had more room to grow and I think that I also noticed it's something where I would push back rightfully and try to fight and she wouldn't engage in a cause me to go with him and what am I doing why she not engaging in this is my own stuff and it just created the air for me to grow what you're talking about.
This is interesting because a lot of people who start to feel the conviction that you were talking about him for you say I think the Lord wants me to just work on my stuff and back off what they're afraid of is that if I back off and I'm not nagging he's going to think everything's okay. He's gonna just keep in the dysfunction is going to grow. I'm in a make things worse, like almost like and said like an enabling brightness and so the fact that her breathing gym floor kinder caused you to to go away. Hang on. There must be something going on here that doesn't always happen for couples. Sometimes the guys like I'm just glad she quit nagging now I can go back to my old bed dysfunctional was practically speaking, one of the changes wise instead of yelling and being angry or bitter and withdrawing as I tried all the things to write functional things.
I tried it and they weren't working and sell what I recognized is that I had this really unhealthy pattern and I had to replace it with a healthy pattern sell.
While I also stopped yelling and doing the nagging in all of those things are not perfect like I will tell you we rented a car when we got here and there was a some backseat driving that still so I'm still a work in progress. Mind you, but what I recognized is what I need to do is set a regular time.
With my husband where I come together and communicate proactively and biblically so this is about exchanging those angry reactions for a gentle biblical response and so I would start saying to guy like if there were five things I was bent out of shape about. I could just every day in a did-path for the eye roll or make the statement under my breath right that was working.
It wasn't godly or I could say okay there's five things I'm a little concerned about right now with my has been with guy but I'm going to set aside a time, asking if we can just have some coffee together on Saturday morning and would he be willing to just hear something I want to work on and myself and then maybe I can also gently bring up one thing that I would like him to consider about his approach with did you say that not overtly.
At first bite. I think that he saw that I was trying to make an effort and in that moment he was able to open up and I was able to open not because here's the thing.
When you come to somebody and you are trying to demonstrate the fate of the spirit toward them in a very proactive and intentional way over and over and over again. It is very difficult for that to not not to impact the other person you are going to have a positive impact in those rare cases where you don't you know you will counsel some further professional help, but ultimately I just recognized I need to not just clam up and do my own thing and let the word work.
Lord work on me. I also need to talk with guy proactively and say hey this is an area I'm trying to work on will you pray for me. So guys, those were meetings that you actually like when the first 30 said I be like oh no, if she is dancing and let's talk at 10 AM Saturday is her husband variances when you get home tonight.
You beginning of the day hold seriously automatically think is in trouble. Yes, yes, how many times is he not intro station. Wendy just how amazing you are. But what I just heard Amber say is yeah you you get down 10 AM to talk with the way she did it totally different than what most people think.
So that's why I'm asking like to become like all this is going to be a good thing because he is just gonna be about me. It was the way she did it.
The approach was wasn't. I want to sit you down to tell you what I'm upset about talk about us and can we talk about a few specific things in the first time or two. I think it was a little rough but we we came together to do it and we we both knew that it was important. It was the way that she approach me, but what you have to suggest Patrick to study but is that you don't get the amber going from trying to change me by being upset and nagging at all those things she did suddenly switch gears and say okay I'm going to change him by not nagging him and not doing all the sinks and he'll eventually change so what is what relation yeah what this wasn't a Tom Sawyer will whitewash the fences and hope to someone else comes along and picks up the job.
This was Amber genuinely saying you know what I'm to take this to the Lord asked the Lord to change him and I'm just gonna do me and I'm gonna love on him to matter what I'm going to exemplify these things and get up pursue my faith and that's what I started to see is started to see her go deeper into about to tell you think you picked up on something pretty key here and that is that the wife or the husband that says I think we need to have this heart-to-heart talk if you don't do the spiritual work in your own life will you make sure you're in the right place the right posture. Humble yourself before the Lord come ready to confess your own stuff right you're not ready to have that talk until that's what it's gonna look like you and me. That's a beautiful soda example I mean listener could bring out do this you know and like Bob said, like you said start with me with him or her start with me and lead with that and then hopefully but I way back because I'm wonder if anybody's think in this. How do I know when I'm triggered the whole concept is about marriage triggers and I think we know, but I want to make sure like is this my been triggered or is this just little you little pebble. My sure is this a trigger and you start the book talk about triggers and anger and I can talk but I love it when you marriage is very thing we all agree it's very organic relationship changes day to day, month, month, year, year, so there are some triggers that are not going to come out of me until year five in my marriage when we suddenly have two kids and work and she's handing me a kid and I've had a rough day at work, but she hasn't asked me about my day yet and she's just like stressed and gives me the baby and poopy diaper. The whole deal and suddenly there's a trigger that's gonna come out of nowhere. We talked about a book there's external triggers an internal triggers and a lot of those come from things that are very deep-seated that we get from our in-laws throughout. We have our childhood walk triggers involve anger. Anger takes different forms.
Some people become well really withdrawn and a back it's not always throwing dishes against the wall so and there is righteous anger. This is one of the things that I studied early on, when I recognized I had anger issues, and I asked the Lord to reveal to me how to change. I saw that righteous anger is we will get angry. But the problem is is that I was often misplacing my anger and directing it to the wrong person. I directed towards my kids. They triggered me, I direct my anger towards them die triggered me, I direct my anger and lash out at hand when really I knew that it was our enemy, Satan, like it if my kids were sending it guy was singing I shouldn't just get mad and take it personally.
Really, I should be more concerned that that's an affront to God there sinning against God, not me. Ultimately, that gave me some freedom to depersonalize it and make it more about okay. None of us has arrived yet. My kids still need some more coaching and parenting. My husband still needs more grace and satellite. So thinking about it that way was really really helpful and I do think it's interesting that you said a trigger can be not angry.
You know because you think it's almost like passive aggressive. It's like you know if your wife or your spouse's think you're being treated right now your icon not angry, but everything you're doing is you're just it might be even what you said beginning. Ephesians 426 is as a believer is a follower of Christ you're thinking.
Anger is sin. You know, because were told don't let the sun go down in your anger, and I've heard many think anger sentence I compensate anger Senate all is actually a God-given emotion but if you don't handle correctly, it can really lead to a foothold for the enemy. So what you said is really critical because things up sometimes rely come I'm not been triggered. All right now and you're like everything you're doing is in a non-angry way saying you're really bugged by me and your pulling away from me so it's it's both.
And right there could be outbursts of anger, but it could be be be triggered in a different way. I think it's interesting to what you talked about as really, you're saying some the reasons were trigger could be old wounds that haven't been processed and we carried those in so maybe Dave does something that's not that big of a deal but it's triggering me because of my past is that what you're saying, yet definitely I didn't realize this at first but I've come to discover that marriage is and can be a vehicle for healing from our pasts. If we allow it to be. So instead of looking at guys past wounds in his differing personality and all of those things and letting them trigger me. I can look at that and go.
Maybe this is an area where I can be a vehicle of healing and grace and comfort to him. I can show him empathy. I can show him compassion, instead of taking it personally. Give an example of that. Well, yeah, I mean guy and I talk about in marriage triggers that he had this background where his family is very, very supportive, and he email had a lot of you live and acknowledged his accomplishments and things like that and I was kind of like more the top left side of things guy got you now and and so I never knew like what was going to be coming down the pipeline with my family. My parents came out of a really difficult cult and it was a very separatist movement and end date.
Long story short, they were excommunicated and they talk about this.
They let us tell their story but a rough time when my brother and I were young. You know they were just trying to grasp what the world wasn't some people invited them to church now and they started going to Christian church and little by little things began to improve in our home life, but in my younger years.
It was really hard and so I have this strong sense of justice now because I didn't have a lot of justice. Everything was sort of never knew why you were in trouble and I think that, then with God. He barely got in trouble because he was really just doted on Enon Graham closet your password and myself was just his need for justice, so I wasn't about to let him get away with anything in our marriage and I will say I was a slight issue with procrastination and see the light of Rosie's a big issue ever century yeah why was it was aided throughout my entire youth and then my family always stepped up to help me in times of need. Instead of allowing me to flounder and find my own success. So I have a lot of support and did did quite well in but you know parents it projects for me. Those kinds of things you know it wasn't that I was dumb or anything I just was doing a now I made it so good just to get into marriage, the embers, the exact opposite and she is ultra-successful. If she has something that is due in two months she does it today she is.
She is a get it done now kind of person so that was an area where we had a really big misfire and so that was an area where she had to offer a lot of grace in learning our first couple years of marriage.
About that piece of me that she didn't know about going into marriage sorry ran their child in their bellies are wounds.
All of those come out and I haven't heard too many people say the way you just said that marriage can be a healing of the wounds you often think it should be that way.
I think is God's design a plan, but we often think marriage just brings amount and makes them worse because they trigger and I don't respond well and many marriages and because the wounds were really never healed. They were never embraced and Eminem when you said that I thought one of our big triggers and it's a trigger for 40 years is my schedule and I'm sure you've express anything but busy busy doing a lot of different things always had five jobs it wants and she would always be on me and I'd be like, what your problem, I am providing. That's why I do this is not about me. It is about you. I did not know for decades. It was out of a wound. She felt from her family or of origin who I love not seen. They didn't see her.
She was the last child, thereby also and then it it's like oh my goodness she's not been seen here it is again. Dave is doing his thing and he doesn't see me crying and so for the last hopefully a decade or more. It's been like I get the chance one dream come true. I get the chance to reveal Christ or brushed seeing her and loving her and no one that was at the heart of that trigger.
It was that yet.
I could like you know what I can't take this anymore. I'm out all you do is nagging complain but begun being gone rather than maybe God wants to use me and us to heal through this district that want to perspective to have on this that when God brings us together, there's gonna be some stuff that's gonna float to the surface and working to go all that's there.
I didn't know that was there it there so it can be skimmed off. Removed taken away bank with letter yeah healed exactly had to say this if it done, just float to the surface but like a bomb look like communication the horns. I know it's everyone's is no communication medication but it really is communication because had she not shared that with you, you still would not know why she keeps reacting that way and then understanding what does trigger you where those hidden spots are.
That can be easily provoked. This is the service you guys have done for us in the book of Britain called marriage triggers exchanging spouses angry reactions for gentle biblical responses. That's what we want in marriage and this week were making your book available to family like today listers. Those of you would like to get a copy of Guy and Amber's book marriage triggers. It's our thank you gift to you this week when you support the ministry family life today. Your donations to this ministry. Make programs like this possible. Our website our app all the different ways we are trying to provide practical biblical help and hope for marriages and families. You make all that happen when you donate to support the ongoing work of this ministry were grateful for you grateful for legacy partners who give each month and those of you who from time to time will say I will pitch in and help. Thank you for that.
If you can make a donation today again request your copy of the book marriage triggers by guy and Amber Leah go to family life today.com to give an online donation or call one 800 FL today to donate by phone.
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Marriage triggers by guy and Amber.
Leo may also mention the if you've got a couple small groups which are a part of and you been thinking what should we go through. We've got video series available here at family life and we've also got workbooks that are available if you want to do a series on marriage Dave and Wilson's vertical marriage video series. The love like you mean a video series. The art of marriage series. If you're looking for study guide. You can go through.
We got family life couple studies available one on the gospel in your marriage.
The power of humility in your marriage, your marriage has a mission you can find out about all these studies when you go to our website. Family life today.com.
If your small group is looking for something to go through if it's been a while since you talked about marriage put that on the agenda and use one of the resources we developed your family life and we hope you can join us back here tomorrow when working to continue our conversation with Diane Amber Leah about the things that provoke us to anger that irritate us in marriage, and I would deal with that. How we respond to those irritations biblically talk more about that tomorrow will think our engineer today.
Keith Lynch, we got some extra help today from Bruce Goff entire broadcast production team has been involved in today's program on behalf of our hosts Dave and Ann Wilson about the pain we will see you back next time for another edition of family life today. Family life today is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. Accrue ministry help for today hope for tomorrow