Understanding Your Hospitality Personality

Many of us tend to think of hospitality as an activity, an event that has to be planned, something complicated. Morgan Tyree has learned from her neighbors that sometimes hospitality is as simple as having the right attitude. I had another neighbor in that same neighborhood who I didn't really know well. I can't even remember her name, but she would drive by and she would give the best wave and smile. I mean, I thought I was on a parade. You know, I'm like, I'm just trying to corral a toddler. And she just had that warmth, and it gave me the feeling that if I really needed something from her, I could go over to her. And so I don't think hospitality has to be complicated.

It doesn't have to take a lot of time, but it's just showing up. This is Family Life Today. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson.

I'm Bob Lapine. You can find us online at familylifetoday.com. We want all of us to be thinking a little differently today about hospitality and about how we can become more hospitable, no matter what our personality or temperament is. Stay with us. And welcome to Family Life Today. Thanks for joining us. I hope you're comfortable here. Hope you're relaxed.

We're really glad to have you here. You know, I've never heard you say that. I'm thinking, what is happening right now?

This is the first time he's ever done it because we're talking about hospitality and he's trying to be hospitable. I thought we'd just make our listeners feel comfortable and relaxed, don't you think? Are you feeling pressure right now? A little bit, perhaps.

You want to explain why? We're excited today because we have Morgan Tyree with us, and she's written a book called Your Hospitality Personality. So when Morgan walked in and we all had lunch together, I'm like running to her like, hi, welcome. We're all feeling this need to be hospitable.

We are. Morgan, welcome to Family Life Today. Well, thank you. We are glad to have you here. Have you felt comfortable at home? So comfortable. I really am.

What is she going to say? Morgan has written a book called Your Hospitality Personality, and everybody, does everybody have a hospitality personality? I mean, are there some people, my hospitality personality is the Grinch personality? I think we all need to take the test and find out.

Yes, you can take the test. I would say everyone has a hospitality personality. They may want to pretend otherwise, but you do. I think we all have a personality that shows up when we're hospitable.

It's like the Enneagram, the Strength Finders. There's really a hospitality personality. And I can't wait to find out what Bob says.

Yeah. Mine is, you're welcome at my place as long as I get the recliner and the remote, and I'm happy to have you there. All I know is in all the years we've known Bob Lapine, have we ever been to his house? Okay, that's enough.

Oh, man. I would have never said that, Bob, because I'm hospitable. Okay, so here's what I'm going to say about that, all right? We actually picked you up once in your driveway.

Here's what I'm going to say about that. Because this, as I was looking at your book, and by the way, the reason we're talking about this is because we are all called to hospitality. Being hospitable is a biblical injunction for us, so this is not something that is really optional.

We are called to be hospitable, but I will tell you that early on, my default in the area of hospitality would have been spontaneously say, well, why don't you come over, to which my wife would say... What? You know what he's doing right now? Throwing her under the bus. He's learning Mary Ann. Well, here's what she taught me about this. I'd sit down and say, do you want to have so-and-so over? And she would say, you have no concept of what goes into that.

You just think we invite, they come, and it magically happens. She was absolutely right. This has been a fight in our house, too. I'm not looking over at my wife, because she has said the exact same thing. Yeah, so is this common in marriage, that one spouse is like, oh, let's have them over, and the other one's like, you don't know what you're talking about? Absolutely. Yeah, I feel like I'm watching my husband and me having the same conversation, because he's an entertainer, so outgoing, a little more spontaneous, the more the merrier. And I'm like, wait a minute, who's coming over?

Because it does, it takes planning to have people over and to welcome up your home and have people in, and so I think sometimes that can be a bit of a tension between couples. You referred to him as an entertainer. That's one of the four, you identify four different personalities in your book, right? Correct, yes.

What are those? So there's the leader, also known as the director, so sort of that take charge personality. Then the entertainer is your kind of life of the party, the person who's maybe the natural storyteller. The include is the real warm sort of, you might think of the natural host, the person that just is always looking for who needs to be noticed, they're very welcoming. And the fourth is the organizer, that's your real detail person, the person that's like, I'm going to get all my ducks in a row if I'm going to host. And are you one or the other, or is there a mix?

Good question. I think most people will have a primary that will resonate with them, and then you definitely will have a secondary. So I'm an organizer primarily, that's my first thought, is like, what do I need to do to make something happen? But I have a soft side to me I'm easy going to, which is as an include as my secondary. So it sounds like a good marriage, you get the perfect marriage, you get the entertainer, Dave's the entertainer, you're the organizer.

Does it work that way? Is it like, yeah, it sort of blends, or is there still conflict between the two of you? Yeah, it really works, and I think that is really nice when you do have different styles, because you can help each other with your strengths and vice versa. We still have to communicate and work through things, because he might want to host more than I want to, because of his energy level when he's around people, I'm more introverted. So I think if you keep communicating, but you can really take your strengths and play together and really host more effectively and hopefully more enjoyably. Morgan, take us back, because this must be a passion for you if you wrote this book.

Tell us how this kind of came to be. Yeah, so be really open. I mean, hospitality is something I have been very blessed by. I've had people pour into me and minister to me and open up their homes. But then I've also had my share of stresses, because I feel like hospitality doesn't always come as naturally to each personality. And then I also really am fascinated by personality types. I do professional organizing for people, and it's just so interesting to really discover how people are hardwired, what makes them sort of respond naturally, and what their heartbeat is. And so I just sort of took the two things and thought, how do I become a better host?

How do I equip other people to host more naturally with their God-given strengths? And is that something, as Bob said, this is a biblical concept. I talk about that a little bit. What does that look like?

What does that mean? Should we all start doing this and feeling like, oh, this is important? Definitely. I mean, I think that hospitality can tend to have a micro view of that's having someone over to your house for dinner, which is very much a piece of hospitality. But I really touch on the book about all the different ways we can be hospitable. And I think that that's looking to the strangers in our lives, the acquaintances in our lives, and then our closest people, too.

Are we being hospitable to our own family members? You know, God calls us to love and to extend that love. And I think that hospitality is really being present with people and noticing people. We all want to be known and loved.

And the best way to show God's love is to extend love. And so I really hope that people gain more permission and more grace with how they can extend hospitality. Are you a natural, hospitable person? I mean, when you and your husband got married, were you the person who said, we should start having people over? So I was raised in a hospitable home, which I think is very interesting to look back at your foundation or what you experienced growing up can really help you identify what comes more naturally to you or what you're accustomed to. So I would say we both wanted to have a hospitable home or more of an open home.

We both really enjoy community. And it was modeled for me very well. But the pieces that were really more or are more challenging for me are the the cooking and some of the presentation that, you know, maybe I put the expectation on myself. Those parts would be some of the stressors because I'm not I can cook a casserole, don't get me wrong. But, you know, sometimes with hosting, you can feel this overwhelm of how do I do it? Well, how do I enjoy it? How do I not let this be a bigger stress than it needs to be?

So I've had to work through some of those challenges. I mean, I think when when we got married, I was never all that concerned. After we'd had somebody over, I was not going. I wonder what they thought about the meal or I wonder what they thought about our house or I wonder what they thought about any of that. It was kind of like we had a fun night.

It was good. But but Marianne kind of had to open my eyes to I'm still thinking about did I do well? This is this is me putting myself out there and and I'm feeling evaluated whether I really am or not.

You felt some of that? Yeah, I think the word that I resonated with was the vulnerability. And I think it can be having someone in and preparing food for them, even just having them in your home. There's a vulnerability, but there's also vulnerability in extending an invite to somebody. There's always that, you know, my my pushing too much.

Does this person want to hang out with me? And I think that that recognizing that there's a vulnerability around hospitality is important. But I think we want to press into that vulnerability because people need to be included and invited. I mean, if you have somebody over to your house, here's a question that I would wonder what how would you define success? What should our goal be? Because I wonder if my goal is the wrong goal. You know, because I often like Bob, I would think about the early years. I mean, we've been married 40 years, but I would think I had a good time.

So the night was great. And I wasn't often thinking, did they have I remember one time somebody playing golf with me once said, you know what the goal should be whenever you play golf? And I'm like, shoot par.

He goes, nope. The goal should be the people you play with enjoy it. And I'm like, oh, so you're telling me I'm being too competitive, you know, whatever.

Because when you play a bad round, you're not fun to be around. Right. And he's like, that is that should never be the goal. It should be. And I'm thinking you're might going to say something like that. Right. Like if somebody's in your house and you're being hospitable, hopefully the goal is when they leave, they go, I love being there.

I wanted I want to go back to the Wilsons. Is that the goal? Yes, because I think if you're comfortable as a host, that will make your guests feel more comfortable. And when you're more comfortable, I think you're able to connect more easily because, you know, I've been to someone's home and maybe they're uptight or, you know, things are going awry and there's there's a stress that that can be harder to settle in and to connect. And so the important piece is to remember that the goal is community and connection, not necessarily the presentation or just how things look.

And so I would definitely I like that story. That's perfect. It's being other centered.

How am I making people feel in my presence? OK, I'm just going to say that this has created a lot of fights. And I'm just going to say it reminds me of a song. Oh, yeah, just a song. Yeah, there's a song about hospitality. I want to challenge Bob Lapine and see if he knows who brought the guitar in.

I just want to know who that person was. Does it ever leave? You'll know this song in two chords. I know Bob will know it. I think everybody will know it. And I just wonder if you know who wrote it when. And don't be looking on your interview.

I won't be looking on my interview. All right. See, I told you, you know the song, right?

What's it called? That's Give a Little Bit. Yeah. Give a Little Bit.

Yeah, I'm sorry, you pitched it a little high. But who wrote it? 1977.

I don't know. I was a sophomore in college. I was listening to Christian music by then, so I can't tell you. It was actually done by the Goo Goo Dolls in 2004, and a lot of people think that's who wrote it. It was actually by a band called Supertramp. And what's interesting is when I was reading your book, Morgan, I thought, oh, that's in the song Give a Little Bit, which is this fun song.

But it's about hospitality. I'll read you the second verse. It says, I'll give a little bit, I'll give a little bit of my life for you. Third verse. So give a little bit, give a little bit of your time to me. I mean, think about it. Yeah, it isn't recorded as a Christian song, but the message is a Christian, hospitable message. And I just thought it was interesting.

Again, I'm not saying that's a phenomenal song, but when he says, give your love to me, give your life to me, give your time to me. I thought that really is not only what our neighbors and strangers are longing for, and we are, too. But if we did that, I mean, I'm preaching your book, but if we were hospitable and we lived out the biblical command to be hospitable, even to strangers, we would give love, time and life.

And it would actually bring a smile to somebody's life. That's the goal. And you say so often in the book, it isn't about, OK, the house has to be perfect. It's about people and relationships. And that's what the song is sort of getting at. So talk about that, because that's sort of the mission behind the word hospitality.

How would you respond to that? Well, can I read the definition of hospitality? Because I think this is really helpful. It says hospitality is the friendly reception and treatment of guests or strangers, the quality or disposition of receiving guests and strangers in a warm, friendly, generous way. So to me, that speaks to the heartbeat behind it, because and then there's the verse, you know, Peter 4 9 talks about to offer hospitality without grumbling. And so I think it's important to, you know, when we know ourselves and we fill our cup up so we can go bless others is the goal. And so if we can be hospitable with the best parts of ourselves. And I just love that it talks about being warm and friendly. And I think as Christians, that should be our goal. You know, I talk in the book, like, what if we were that type of hospitable experience on the freeways or, you know, to anyone in line behind us?

But that we're looking around in all of our circles and thinking, how do I bless others in just my everyday life? So here's a question when you're married and one of you wants people over and the other does, too. She's sitting right beside me, but she has to do all the work or she's done all the work because she's looking at you right now. Like, where are you going with this question?

Mr. Husband here has been selfish and he's been playing. Well, here's an example. So we have this time, two little kids.

I wasn't asking for an example. A two and a half year old and a newborn. And Dave's gone all day. And we're having people over, which before kids, this was easy. I was excited about doing this. I like cooking. I like preparing. But Dave's been gone all day because I'm an entertainer, but I am, too.

But here's what happens. I've he's just coming in the door and the people are going to arrive any minute. And so they come. I just get the kids to bed. I barely got showered. You know, and the whole time, all day I'm thinking, why am I doing everything? And so I come downstairs.

Dave's entertaining. And he looks at me and goes, you didn't get this to drink? Oh, see, did you hear?

She gasped a little. I don't remember this at all. I don't think this even happened. So I have to I get so mad. I have to go back upstairs to calm down because I'm so mad. So the rest of the night, I'm in just a bad place because I'm thinking, oh, and I'm watching. Oh, he's telling all these stories. And he's so funny.

Singing songs. And I'm thinking, you know, it's no fun because I'm having to do everything. And so it creates this tension. Is that typical? I think it can be very typical, especially you. You two have a unique dynamic because you have a lot of similarity. I think some couples will find that there may be more opposite when it comes to hosting. So I think that's very typical. And I talk in the book a lot about hosting hiccups, which it sounds like we all have them. And I think and I shared a story which is talk about being vulnerable. So my daughter was turning three, my oldest.

So same thing. We had two little kids and I was going to do. We're living in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and I'm going to make a taco spread, you know. And, you know, this time I had a lot of energy.

The kids were little. I could do all the things. And so I decided to make queso. Now you need the back story here is I was raised with like the mom who made her own yogurt. Oh, yes. This is my mom. There's pressure now.

Right. Well, and then I also did not understand junk food because I was raised with like health nuts. All the good foods. So I thought I'm in the grocery store and I'm like, OK, I need to find queso. Like I'm literally thinking there's something called queso and I guess you have to get Velveeta. Long story short, I buy regular cheese and try to melt it because I don't realize Velveeta is not with the cheeses. So anyway, I serve the cheese, which looked very interesting.

You can just imagine. And at the time I was much younger and it was it was really I was really embarrassed and some of my girlfriends sort of were making fun of me. And my takeaway was that I want to be more comfortable, my own skin when I'm hosting. And there's in remembering that there's always going to be hiccups, whether they're big or small. And I think I could have responded much better because I think I sort of got stressed and overwhelmed by it instead of laughing it off.

And maybe I should have taken real queso to their doors the next morning and said, I now know how to make it, you know. So just I think we want to give ourselves grace because that's what it's all about. So don't give up if you failed or you got in a fight or whatever, that that can happen and it will happen.

But the idea is to keep going. Exactly. And think about when you have been to somebody's house for something and you may go home and go, you know, the food was great, but the evening was not. Yeah.

And Bob, and that's the people that I admire. Like the house could be a wreck. And the food was just, hey, this is just what we have.

I'm going to serve this. There was not a lot of thought in it, but it was one of the best times I've had. And I've always admired those people that they didn't care so much where I don't have that. Like my house has to be perfect. When you go home and you've had a great relational evening, the food is inconsequential. How messy the house is was inconsequential. But you go to a lovely home and have a great meal and it's a chilly atmosphere.

You go home and go, I don't go back there. Right. And that's what we've got to keep in mind as we are being hospitable. What matters is more about the relationship than about about Martha Stewart. And I know with Anne, she is the queen of hospitality in terms of this happens many times when people get to the front door to leave. The couple often say we had the greatest time.

They're not just being nice. And I know why. Because the whole night she asked them questions about their life. We didn't talk about us.

She and she's a great question asker. So they talked about and I want to go, I know you had a great time. You talked about yourself all day. But people want to talk and share their story. So that is a big part of being hospitable. Right. Take the spotlight off yourself. Don't put it on you even in your house. Although that is, you know, not saying it's not important, but put it on them and let the night be about them.

Is that true? Definitely. I think there's knowing yourself. So you sort of set yourself up so you can be really available and be really present and then seeking to know others, I think is the most hospitable thing we can do because it shows interest. And I say I share a quote in the book that says it's better to be interested than interesting. And there's something about when someone looks you in your eyes and is asking you a question and really wants to know the answer. There's something that resonates with you. And I think that's how we build community. And that's how we enter into people's lives is by saying, I want to share your life with you.

I want to know you. And I was going to also mention when we're talking about having your home be comfortable. When you make your home hospitable and comfortable for somebody, I think it's going to make it easier for that person to extend it and invite back. You know, if someone comes into your home and they maybe see it too polished or too perfect or, you know, they feel a pressure that might almost be intimidating. So it's important to find that sweet spot for yourself where you can be comfortable and create that coziness for guests. Another thing you talk about is extending hospitality and it can look different to different people. And you give some examples of what that could be. Like one of the examples was a new neighbor comes and you welcome them with a basket. So you're not just necessarily saying you have to have dinner for someone. Talk about some other ideas.

Yeah. And I shared that story because it was very clear to me when I moved into my new home, this neighbor just dropped it off. I didn't I never even got to see her, but it just felt so welcoming. And I think that we can put hospitality into this box of, again, it has to look like having people in your home. And I do think that's a very big part of hospitality, but it can be so many small things. What did your neighbor do? Talk about that.

Oh, sorry. So, yeah, she brought a basket over and it had a plant in it and a card and she introduced her three kids and can't wait to get to know you. And it just felt so welcoming. So it felt like, oh, again, I was noticed. I was known. I think it can be easy in neighborhoods to sort of move in and you pull your garage into your garage, shut the door.

And, you know, you may not be meeting people. I had another neighbor in that same neighborhood who I didn't really know. Well, I can't even remember her name, but she would drive by and she would give the best wave and smile. I mean, I thought I was on a parade. I'm just trying to corral a toddler. And she just had that warmth and it gave me the feeling that if I really needed something from her, like I could go over to her.

And all she did was wave and smile. Right. And so it doesn't I don't think hospitality has to be complicated.

It doesn't have to take a lot of time, but it's just showing up. It's interesting. We have a guy in our neighborhood, older man, I'm guessing he's empty nest, probably retired, walks his dog almost every day. And he is the nicest, warmest guy ever. And he's just like that. You drive by waves. And I noticed here today, we're in a cul-de-sac and he was out on the street and I noticed him walking slow. And this is during covid.

So it's a whole and I want to ask you about that, because it's a different world to be hospitable in. But I watched his name's Frank. I watched him look toward our cul-de-sac to see if anybody was out. And our neighbors, Nick and Pam, are out and he comes right in and there they are standing in front, you know, talking in this little conversation, six feet apart or more. And I thought, wow, this dude is like intentional. He's taking a walk. And he keeps bones in his pockets for all the dogs that he meets along the way, which is super sweet. I just thought, I want to be like Frank.

Why am I not more caring? I'm the pastor in the neighborhood. I'm the representative of Christ. I should be out there walking around doing what Frank does.

Everybody loves Frank. He just walks up in a five minute conversation. But I saw him being intentional. I just thought he's doing a walk. But no, he's actually looking.

He wasn't going to come in our cul-de-sac unless somebody was out. And there they were. So talk about that, because obviously Frank has what you're talking about, a perspective that people matter. Yes. Right.

Yeah. He's showing up and loving people. I love that. And the word that really stuck with me there was intentionality. I think that that's once you know sort of your hospitality, personality, how you're hardwired, what your strengths are.

I think the more you play to your strengths and the more intentional you are, the more of an impact you can have to love God and to love people through that. And I talk in the book about spontaneous hospitality, which doesn't take much planning. But there's secret hospitality to where, you know, Frank could be doing things that you don't even know that he's doing. But I love that he's just being so thoughtful and bringing the dog bones like that's such a small act.

But what a what a gift. Well, I love you say in your book at some point toward the end that hospitality is the golden rule in action. You know, love God, love others is what Jesus said are the two top priorities of life. And you're saying that's how you do it.

It's a great way to think that's how I can live out my faith. OK, but let me ask all of you, because I'm thinking of the person who's listening right now and going on my priority list of things to do today in my life. Hospitality is I mean, I know it's important, but I got laundry, which seems more important than hospitality at the moment. And I got soccer practice and I got this and I got I mean, the margin for hospitality.

What do you do with that? Because I think everybody feels like I know I should be doing something here, but I'm just covered up. So there's different types of hospitality that I identify. There's inward hospitality where maybe you're in a season where you're needing to receive more hospitality, whether you're just going through something more difficult, your time is super stretched. There's mutual hospitality I shared in the book where we did a Thanksgiving or a Friendsgiving and we show up and we all just pitch in. And then there's outward hospitality where you are giving more. So I think it's important. I'm a big proponent of really looking at your life season and looking at what you have available.

I heard the word margin there. You know, what is my margin for hospitality? And I think, as we just mentioned earlier, the neighbor driving by and waving, that didn't cost any time or energy really there. So I think I would encourage people to really look at their life season and really notice what they can give in this season. But if somebody says to you, you know, we're going to be hospitable at least twice a year, we're going to do something intentional that's hospitality, would you say twice a year that's the best you can do?

Or would you say, OK, if that's what you can do, that's what you can do? Yeah, I think depending on your situation, it would all depend on what they're walking through, what they're living through. And I think, too, if that's defining hospitality of having people in your home, maybe that's what you're able to do. But again, you could be hospitable when you go to work or by remembering to text somebody on an important occasion. Hospitality is also just reaching out and loving people. I would say, too, hospitality is loving people. And that's part of our overflow of who we are as believers and walking with God. And Bob, I get that like we've all had those seasons with our kids that were swamped, but there's also that that idea that we're always demonstrating and and showing our kids what it looks like to love others. Yeah.

And I would say from reading your book, tell me I'm not going to put words in your mouth. But one of the things I learned was being hospitable is being present. So like what Bob is saying, it may I don't have time to have somebody over. But if I move my kids today, if I'm standing in line with my to pick up my wherever I am. Yeah.

Am I really present there? Well, I'm going to love and encourage someone. And maybe the point is lean into this.

Yes. Just figure out, OK, can we do a little more in this area? What's an intentional step we could take and take that step? And it doesn't have to be I'm now committing to a weekly dinner for eight. Right.

But lean in. Take that next step. In fact, it would help for you to get a copy of Morgan's book, Your Hospitality Personality, how you can confidently create connection and community. You can entertain with joy and confidence. Yes, even you were making that book available today to family life today. Listeners who can support the ongoing work of this ministry with a donation.

Those of you who agree with what we are all about here at Family Life to effectively develop godly marriages and families who change the world one home at a time. If you resonate with that objective and want to support the ongoing work of this ministry, when you make your donation, we'll send you Morgan's book, Your Hospitality Personality, as our thank you gift for your support. You can donate online at familylifetoday.com or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, the number to call is 1-800-358-6329. 1-800-F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today. That's to donate by phone or you can donate easily online at familylifetoday.com and request your copy of the book, Your Hospitality Personality by Morgan Tyree. Now tomorrow we're going to continue talking about different approaches to hospitality.

And maybe there's one that fits who you are. Morgan Tyree is going to be back with us again tomorrow. Hope you can be back as well. I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. Extra help today from Bruce Goff. Thank you, Bruce. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Bob Lapine. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life of Little Rock, Arkansas. A crew ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.