Combatting Insecurity in a Second Marriage

Whether other people know it or not, Lori Ferguson-Wilbert says she carries with her the knowledge that she is a second wife. She's married to someone who's been married before. She says there's a stigma that's attached to that. In the church in particular, I think there are some unfortunate narratives around divorce and remarriage. I think I feel acutely aware of being a second wife, depending on who I'm around and what their thoughts about it are or what they suspect to be my husband's story but don't know to be true.

And so I'm reminded, oh, I don't have maybe a traditional root here in the way that I got to marriage. This is Family Life Today. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson.

I'm Bob Lapine. You can find us online at familylifetoday.com. What's it like to be a second wife in a second marriage, to carry that with you?

We're going to hear more about that today from Lori Ferguson-Wilbert. Stay with us. And welcome to Family Life Today.

Thanks for joining us. I think all of us in this culture in particular wrestle with the whole issue of comparison. Social media fuels this. We look around and we go, why is everybody else's marriage good?

I never compare myself, Bob. Absolutely. I do it every day. Do men not do it? Oh, yes, we do. Yeah, I'm kidding. We compare, I think daily. Every article, every, you know. I guess you don't talk about it as much as women do because women talk about this.

We do struggle with this. I will confess that we've done interviews here on Family Life Today where it's been a husband and wife and the wife has been, she's just been the biggest admirer of her husband. Talking about Ann?

You're talking about Ann. She's just said, you know, he is so this and so that. I love his preaching or his, and I'll go home and go, how come you never rave about me the way I hear otherwise? Do you say it or think it? I've had that conversation with Mary Ann where I've just said, so do you like me?

Do you think I'm special, right? I think all of us think, why doesn't he look at me the way that other guy looks at his wife? Why doesn't my wife hold my hand the way that that woman's holding her husband's hand?

So where are you going with this, Bob? Well, Ron Deal, who gives leadership to Family Life blended, did an interview recently, very interesting interview with Laurie Ferguson Wilbert. Laurie is a second wife. Her husband has been married previously and she wrote an article in Fathom magazine where she talked about what it's like to be a second wife and the constant sense of comparison.

Oh, see, that would be even harder. And we should mention, by the way, that in four weeks, Family Life's blended and blessed event, there'll be couples who'll be watching it in their home. There'll be groups that are getting together to watch it. There'll be thousands of people all across the country tuned in for this. And churches that are doing it too.

Yeah, absolutely. Again, more information online. The blended and blessed event is the premier event every year for couples who are in second marriages, blended marriages. You'll get real help for your family, for your marriage by attending this event. And again, there's more information online at familylifetoday.com.

So let's listen to the first part of Ron Deal's conversation with Lori Ferguson Wilbert about what it's like to be a second wife in a marriage. Here we are. We're still in the middle of the COVID crazies, as I've come to call them.

And you know, we're in two different places and you're at your home. And that's certainly not a life we ever expected or counted on or anticipated. And yet we find ourselves living in this and trying to make the best of it. Is it that sort of an experience?

Is that a good parallel for you? Yeah, I think they're the experiences that are like, well, this isn't what I wanted. And so I'm just going to sort of begrudgingly find contentment in it. And then there's sort of the surprising experiences. So I think of, you know, Lewis's famous book, Surprised by Joy. There's just things we're not looking for, things we're not necessarily paying attention to. And suddenly God drops them in our lives.

And we think, well, that was totally unexpected. But I can see God's goodness and faithfulness in it. So I think it's a little bit different than maybe I wouldn't compare it direct comparison to what we're walking through right now. But I think there have been moments maybe spread out along our marriage where I have felt like, okay, this is harder or different. And I think those moments get less and less as time goes on. Okay, so I'm pulling together a couple of dots there.

I heard you say a little while ago, you don't really think about it very much, being the second wife, until something prompts that and then it comes up. Maybe somebody refers to you or says something from the outside that kind of reminds you, oh, yeah, that's true. And then I just heard you say there's moments where that just kind of resurrects. I'm curious, is there any pattern to those moments? What are those moments about? And then what happens in you when you go, oh, yeah, that is my life?

Yeah, I think those moments come most frequently. So my husband was married for, they lived, they were together for 12 years, living together for 10 of those years, separated for two years. And I think I am most acutely aware of being a second wife in those moments where something is tender for my husband. And, and I'm aware that there's a wound there that I didn't cause.

And yet, it's a big part of his story. And I am called to care for that wound as his wife, I'm called to be invested in the healing of that wound, even though I didn't cause it, even though I, you know, I'm devastated that it's there, just aware that that's there. I think another way that it comes up is, you know, in the church in particular, I think there are some unfortunate narratives around divorce and remarriage.

And I think I feel acutely aware of being a second wife, depending on who I'm around and what their thoughts about it are, or what they suspect to be my husband's story, but don't know to be true. So we don't share the specifics of his divorce with everyone, even though there are biblical grounds for it. It's just a hard story, and we want to be careful, but I am reminded. Yeah, it's an uncomfortable subject for some people. And so I'm reminded, oh, I'm not, I don't have maybe a traditional route here in the way that I got to marriage.

I want to come back to the wounds in your husband that you see. That's a good one. But let's just stay on those church narratives for a minute. Yeah, conversation, the way we teach and preach, dialogue, and the assumptions that people make.

Those are big, right? And what a bind for you to want to gently handle the circumstances around your husband's divorce, and yet people almost demand an explanation. What do you do with that? Yeah, so my husband and I, I mean, he decided, it's his story primarily. I mean, it's my story too now because I'm married to him, but it's his story primarily. And he decided early on that he wanted to comfort others with the comfort he'd been given. You know, Corinthians talks about that. And so we are very, very open handed in how we share about the story. We're very careful to, as much as we can, cover a multitude of sins and to not be specific about sins done against him. He's very specific though about sins he committed. And so he leads with that.

In his sharing of the narrative, he leads with his brokenness in the marriage, his failures in that marriage. So yeah, we've just decided as a couple, we're going to try and comfort others with the comfort we've been given and be open about that. We have taken the posture and this isn't the posture for everyone, but we've kind of taken the posture that nothing is off limits.

If someone asks, we'll tell them. We can't control the outcome. We can't control what's said about us. We can't control the narrative that people make up in their minds about us. So we just have to be faithful to the story that God's given us to live. And we have to be faithful to stewarding that story. And all we can do is be honest and truthful about it and be honest and truthful about where we've seen God's healing and where we're waiting for God's healing and where we're praying for God's healing and just walk in faith that way, which is not easy.

Right, right, right. But I so appreciate that because I, as somebody who has spent close to 30 years ministering to people in circumstances that they didn't always choose or want to be in. And sometimes they did choose.

It was their fault. And you know, they did bring it about, but nevertheless, it's the, how do we as the church respond to others and your courage and willingness to be open with the story. In fact, you know, this blog that you wrote, I thought it was just so insightful and so revealing. And just for you guys to do that publicly in writing, for example, and privately in conversation with people, I think that is where redemptive moments happen for others. And to the listener right now, I just want to say, you know, you may never have thought that you had a ministry, if you will. It was felt like you had to be the one minister too, but you underestimate the power of your personal story in the hands of somebody else who is also struggling and wrestling with some question and how that brings encouragement and courage to people who feel second class. You know, it's not just the second wife thing, but it's that second class thing.

I think you said a little while ago, second hand. And I was struck by that. Like, yeah, right.

You feel second hand, almost like it's a demotion or something to be the second wife, to be even in church circles. Like there's just those messages that make people shrink. And I see you saying, no, we don't have to do that. We can, we can stand up.

Yeah. I think the whole, to me, the whole point of the gospel is that like, we are all fractured jars. You know, we are all broken in some way.

We've all experienced brokenness in some way. And God wants to make us whole. He wants to take what's been broken and He wants to, He wants us to be the letter that He's written to the world. And that's what Paul calls us.

And so how do I, how do I take what isn't what I expected and choose to be the letter that God is using with my life to the world to preach the gospel. And also it's just a good reminder to me of the gospel that like our marriage is not any more special to God than their marriage was. God was for their marriage. He was in their marriage, even though sin fractured it to the point of divorce, God was still for them in that marriage. And God is in our marriage and He is for our marriage and He's working through our marriage. And I don't have to compare our marriages to one another. Yeah. And that's so good.

And why compare? And it's okay to say, of course, God was for that marriage. Like He's for your marriage.

Yeah, that was actually, I will say that is one of the most freeing concepts that I've had in our marriage. I think when we were just newly together, I, I had questions about his past. I had questions about his sexual past, questions about his conflicts that they might've had or specifics in their marriage. And I found somewhat of a reticence in him to talking about some of those things. And at first I thought, well, I'm going to be your wife.

Like, why won't you talk to me about these things? But the more time went on, the more I thought, you know, if I'm walking into covenant, if I'm in covenant with this man, that means that our marriage is, is precious in the eyes of God and just to be protected by God. And it's wrong of me to assume that I'm allowed to, to know everything that happened in their covenant that was protected by God. And that freed me up to just say, you know what, I'm going to trust that if my husband needs to tell me something he's going to, but if I don't need to know something or it's not my business, like I don't need to know it.

I can be free to just say, God was in that. And let's drill down on that. It's not your business. Like if you had another couple come up to you right now and it wouldn't be your business to be probing into parts of their relationship that they're not opening to you. Is it the same sort of a thing? Well, I think there's, there's moments, you know, when we need to probe in our friends lives and ask specific questions. Yeah.

Yeah. But I think that when I'm, if my motivations in probing are to feel better about myself or to compete with a previous marriage in any way, or to put down someone else or to excuse my sin in the way that it might be wounding my husband and to sort of put that on her, that's not a good motivation. So I think when I'm probing with a couple, if my motivation is just to sort of dig up dirt, that's not a good motivation, but my motivation is to care for and shepherd. That's a good motivation.

And so I want to probe in those moments. So is that, I hope that's a helpful distinction. It is. It's a very good distinction. And I appreciate that wisdom. Let me step in here. We've been listening to the first part of a conversation between Ron Deal and Lori Ferguson Wilbert talking about what it's like to be a second wife.

And I think the point about what's your motivation as you dig into these subjects, that's a great question to be wrestling with. I can remember when I was in middle school, my step-mom who was my dad's second wife asking me questions about my mom. And I could tell even as a 13, 14 year old, she was comparing like, Hey, I'm funnier than your mom was.

Right. And it was a little awkward. I mean, I can remember this, you know, decades later, but I'm, you know, now realizing she was comparing and she was wondering about that. Because the first time I met your step-mom, she was cooking and she was asking me questions like, Oh, what kind of cook is Dave's mom?

And because she was an extraordinary cook. But I remember feeling like, Oh, she's feeling some of that comparison. Well, and in part two of this conversation between Ron and Lori, they talk about how a healthy sense of your identity is necessary to know who you are in Christ. That's so critical when you face these kinds of issues of competition. Let's listen to the conversation as it continues here.

Let me dial down. We've used the word competition a couple of times, and I think it's great you saying, Hey, from God's point of view, he was for the first marriage. He's for this marriage. Let's look at it from your point of view for a minute. Let's just get earthly about this. Doesn't every woman want to be first in her husband's heart? And what do you do with that thought that you're second? Yeah.

And I think it's, so I'm just going to be clear. I, you know, we don't have children. I think that if there were a lot more sort of ties to his previous marriage, I might feel that differently.

But this is my story. Yeah, I feel that. What helps me is to know that I am my husband's first right now. He has chosen me.

He is not thinking about her. And we have open conversations about these things. But there have been times where, you know, we moved away from the city where we lived for a while because there were just some bitter memories for him here because of their previous marriage. And then we had to move back a few years later. And that was really, really difficult for him to just imagine being on these same streets, around the same grocery stores and all those things. And he had to really kind of dial down and wrestle with the Lord over like, am I going to honor and please and love my current wife?

Or am I going to be continuing to think about my previous wife? And he chose to come back here. He chose to come back to the city because he knew it would be better for me.

This is where our community was. And in that choice, I was able to see how he laid down his life for me. And he does that every day, lays down his life for me.

And so I don't feel that sense of competition. I think there are times when I, you know, we don't have like pictures of her around our house, but there have been times where I've seen a picture or, you know, they they had a, I would say, a less like Christ centric marriage and they, you know, they spent a lot of money on vacations and big houses and renovations and things like that. And so there are times where I can think, why are we living the life that we, you know, we just we live much more frugally and carefully. And I think Christ is more at the center of our marriage.

But yeah, there are times where I'm like, I want to go to Europe and I want to go to Scotland. But then I just remember, man, my husband is a different person than he was when he was married previously. He he has different priorities.

Our money goes to, I think, better things than expensive vacations. And our time goes to better things than partying and sort of. Yeah.

Yeah. So that's so interesting because you're processing your life in light of his old life, even where you live and the reminders for him as I'm hearing the wounds comment you made earlier, that places and circumstances kind of bring up wounds and difficulties and all of which reminds you that whole romantic notion of you're the one and only, you know, all of this reminds you that that's not your narrative. And yet you are first in his heart at this point in time. And you and you really latch on to that. Yeah, I think part of being first to him, part of being his covenantal wife right now is deciding to actually not overlook those wounds when they come up, but to step into those places.

So, for instance, if we drive past a location that has a specific better memory attached to it for him and he gets quiet. And I, instead of just letting that happen, stepping in and saying, I am the wife that he has now and I am the partner with him and with God and healing and helping to heal these wounds. And so I'm going to step into that and say, hey, what's going through your mind right now as we pass that place? What are you thinking about?

How can I love you through that? And, you know, the more time goes on and the more talking that we do about it, the more God heals those places. And so he can drive past places that he couldn't drive past even three years ago without a bitter memory coming or just a memory coming. And it's no longer a bitter memory.

It's just a memory that he has of sort of a life that he lived. I got to say, I really appreciate that attitude because I could see somebody listening going, yeah, but when when my husband drives by that old place and it reminds him of that thing and then he has a bad attitude and it brings up bitterness and resentment in him and then I'm bitter that he's bitter and I have to deal with the fact that she hurt him in that way. And yeah, I mean, but you're saying, no, I've been given an opportunity as his wife to help minister to those wounds rather than be resentful of them. Does that ever get complicated in your head or your heart?

It doesn't for me, but I can see how it would for many people. I think part of that is probably just my personality. I lean toward just passivity and peacemaking. And so I generally am postured toward that. Also, you know, that's not always a good thing.

I think that can sound good, but it can also lead to passivity, which is not a good thing to letting things probably fester for too long, both in him and in myself. I think I echo my husband, though, and we as we echo Paul and just say, I want to comfort others with the comfort I've been given. And I think if the gospel has truly changed our lives and if the spirit of God truly lives inside of us, we're going to be bearing the fruit of the spirit. And our first thoughts in moments like that aren't going to be about ourselves.

They're going to be about the other. And I see the way that my husband chooses me. And so it makes it a lot easier for me to choose him in those moments.

I know that that's not the case for everyone, though. And so I can see how it would be really, really difficult in that moment to not make it about him, but to make it about myself. I'm hearing you talk about identity. I mean, my identity is in Christ, number one. Number two, my identity is I'm his wife. In fact, in your blog that I've referenced, you actually say these words, I am fully his wife, his only wife today, his one wife. You know, and that's that's such an identity statement like, yes, somebody else preceded, but no, they're not here now.

It's me. And resting in that identity obviously empowers you to then be grace filled towards him with his difficulties. As he is to my to my difficulties.

I don't want to be the he's he's full of grace toward me as well. One of the things I've wondered about Second Wife reflecting on your your blog is that your husband has to maybe unlearn some patterns and some rhythms of the past. You talk a little bit about sleeping on a different side of the bed when you guys got married and foods you like versus foods they ate together. And you like going out and she likes staying in, you know, so clearly you're different people and your husband has to adapt to that. So that's a part of creating your marriage in a way that it needs to go. Have there ever been some ripples in there where you go, OK, this is a leftover from the past? And again, this is just an adjustment or what's your attitude around those things?

Yeah, I think, again, you know, the more time goes on, the fewer those ripples are. I think in the beginning it was around things. So I actually prefer to stay in. She preferred to go out. It was around things like that. Like I'm just much more of a homebody than she was. And it took changing.

He ate, you know, he drank a lot of soda and ate a lot of sugar before we got married. And I was like, I can't live like that. I don't have her body. I have a different body and I can't eat those things and like keep the body that I have.

And so it took sort of a change of diet and just saying, I'm not we are different people. Now, she bears the image of God. She has intrinsic value and intrinsic identity given to her by God. I have a different identity and different value given to me by God.

And that doesn't make her less than me or me more than her. It just makes us different. And so we have to figure out how to navigate those differences in marriage. I am a night person.

She wasn't a night person. And so like bedtime and wake up time has been an area where we've just had to learn to adjust to one another over the past. You know, there's something else you reference in your blog.

It was a description, but I think it's a prescription. Let me just give you your words and have you comment on them. You said walk with patience, endurance and lose the expectations that lead mostly to resentments. Have there been any expectations you had to lose? I think everyone comes to every marriage with expectations.

Even if you didn't know you had them. Life teaches you, oh, I guess I just expected that that would happen. Yeah, I think and I think life is a series of like learning whether we're married, whether we're single, whether we're a second wife or second husband. I think life is a series of learning to put our expectations back on the Lord.

And so, yeah, I think I had expectations. My husband made a lot of money when we got married and I just expected, oh, we are going to be able to take vacations to Europe because I thought, well, that's what he did with his previous wife. And what I've learned is that my husband is a different man, that God disciplined him through that divorce. And he does not value the same things that he valued before.

Does not want to spend his money in the same way that he spent money before. And and so that has been such a good thing for me to just realize, like if I wanted the husband who was making these decisions with a different heart before, that's the husband that was not a good husband and not obedient and submissive to the Lord in the way that he needed to be. Instead, I have a husband who makes different decisions with his money and yet honors the Lord and loves me and cherishes me. And so I'm going to take that second. Yeah, I'm going to take this husband. Which of those two qualities is worth more, how he spends his money or how he honors his God? Yeah, you know, that's that feels a different bank account, right?

Each one of those goes in a different direction. And you're right, you're better off with the man that you have. Well, we've been listening to a great conversation between Ron Deal and Laurie Ferguson Wilbert talking about what it's like to be a second wife or a second husband if you're in a second marriage, how you deal with expectations and adjustments and the fact that there are undoubtedly going to be things about your first marriage that you're going to go, I liked it better with that other person. Just you saying that causes insecurity in my life, like, oh, that would be so terrible. But it's got to be the case. I mean, we're different people. You go, that other person did this better than you do. But the insecurity that comes out of that, that's where I think Laurie's point about where's your identity and how do you then maturely adjust your expectations? So you go, OK, my first husband did this. But just as Ron said at the end, I am where God has me today and I need to learn to be content in where I am.

And I think it's the greener grass syndrome. We all struggle, whether it's your first marriage, you're thinking it was better off when I was single. Now you're in a second marriage, you think it was better off. And I think as Ron as they as they get to at the end, it's like you have to look at what you have that is good and actually realize it's the best. And I would add and who you are, that you're enough.

Yes, because that's the identity piece. Yeah, there's actually a lot more to this conversation. I would hope our listeners would, first of all, subscribe to Ron's podcast, go online at familylifetoday.com and start listening, especially if you're in a second marriage or in a blended family. Family Life Blended is all about how you can thrive in the relationship you're in today. That's where God has you.

That's where you can grow and expand and thrive. Go to familylifetoday.com. There's information there about this particular podcast episode about the Family Life Blended podcast, where you can subscribe to that. There's also information about an upcoming event called Blended and Blessed. This is an annual event. It's going to be a livestream event this year. One day, Saturday, April 24th, online, all around the world, folks are going to be joining us for a day where we focus on the issues that are facing couples in second marriages or in blended families.

Ron Deal gives leadership to this. We're going to hear from David and Meg Robbins, Ray and Robin McKelvey, a whole lot more. It's an online event. By the way, it's also available being streamed in Spanish this year. You can watch this with a group from church, with a small group.

Watch it just by yourselves. All of the information about how to sign up for the Blended and Blessed one-day livestream is available on our website at familylifetoday.com. Check it out and plan to join us on Saturday, April 24th, for Blended and Blessed.

And then let me just add, there are a myriad of resources to help blended couples, blended families with the issues you're facing available from us here at Family Life Today. There are links on our websites to books and articles. Again, Ron Deal's podcast is available.

So much we have available. Go to familylifetoday.com to check it all out. If you have any questions about the one-day livestream, give us a call at 1-800-FL-TODAY. That's our number, 1-800-358-6329.

That's 1-800-F as in Family, L as in Life, and then the word TODAY. I want to say a quick word of thanks to those of you who have called us or gone online to make a donation this week. We've been hearing from Family Life Today listeners saying we believe in what you're doing and want to help support the ministry of Family Life Today. I think one thing that may be motivating, folks, is we've been offering a book called The Negativity Remedy.

We talked about it earlier this week. That's our thank you gift to you this week when you donate to support the ministry of Family Life Today. Of course, your donations are vital for the work that we do here. We're listener supported, and without your financial support, we could not continue the work of this ministry. So thanks in advance for either making an online donation or calling 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate.

And again, when you do, ask for your copy of the book, The Negativity Remedy. It's our thank you gift to you when you support the work of Family Life Today. And we hope you can join us again tomorrow.

We're going to hear more from Ron Deal and Laurie Ferguson Wilbert about the reality of being a second wife in a marriage. I hope you can be with us for that. I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch. We got some extra help this week from Bruce Goff. And of course, our entire broadcast production team is involved. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Bob Lapine. We'll see you back tomorrow for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life of Little Rock, Arkansas, a crew ministry. Help for today, hope for tomorrow.