Escaping the Secret Life

One of the things that keeps us from healthy relationships in marriage, in our family, relationships with others, is the secrets that we carry. Here's author and counselor Sharon Hirsch. This is Family Life Today. Our hosts are Dave and Anne Wilson.

I'm Bob Lapine. You can find us online at familylifetoday.com. What do we do with our secrets, with our shame and our guilt?

How do we break the power they have over us and the impact they have on our relationships? We're going to talk more about that today with Sharon Hirsch. Stay with us. And welcome to Family Life Today.

Thanks for joining us. You guys know Matt Chandler, the pastor in Dallas. Matt, he was part of the Stepping Up video series that we did, and he's a well-known pastor. He's a great teacher. He is.

He said something one time that has kind of stuck with me. He said, at our church, we tell people it's okay not to be okay. It's just not okay to stay there. And I've always thought that's a great perspective, and it's a perspective I think all of us who are a part of the faith need to acknowledge. It's okay not to be okay.

Is anyone okay? Well, that's the point. That's the point. We're all a mess, and we'd probably all be better off if we would acknowledge the mess that we are. And I think what we're going to talk about here this week is the fact that this mess that is us, if we can be honest with ourselves and honest with God about that mess and maybe start to be bold enough to be honest with one another. And I always want to, whenever I address this topic, the brokenness of us, which is absolutely real and sometimes so despicable, you can't believe it's in your wife. It's in yourself.

I'm kidding. Because we see it in everybody else, but it's in us. But at the other side, this is what I want to say is there's an image of God that's real, and there's a redemption that meets both.

So they're both true simultaneously. And that's why when we can begin to acknowledge the brokenness and be honest about it, we're on the path to the restoration of the glory that God implanted when he implanted his image in us. We're going to be talking about that with our friend Sharon Hirsch, who is joining us again on Family Life Today. Sharon, welcome back.

It's great to be with you. And family life has always been so gracious to me because, you know, I started out as a speaker for the family life marriage team, and then my life fell apart and became very messy, like we're talking about. And I think there's a bad rap in the Christian circle that there's not grace for people whose lives fall apart.

That is not something I have ever experienced. What I have experienced from people like you is that the mess can become a message. And I think identify with more people than we even realize that what's on the surface of our lives is important.

But what's way deep down inside that we're afraid to talk about because we've got this myth or lie that everyone will reject us and no one will love us and no one will want us back. I am here today to say that is not true. Sharon is an author. She teaches as an adjunct professor at Reformed Theological Seminary in Orlando. She does counseling.

She is the mother of two adult children. And your latest book, Belonging, probably the most transparent book of any of the books you've written. And this was kind of a journey to be able to say, OK, I'm going to be transparent with my readers, with people, because there is healing that comes when you open that door. As scary as that is, there's healing on the other side, isn't there?

There is. And, you know, it took some time. I think as my dear friend, Brennan Manning, who's no longer with us, said, and he's known for telling people the truth about his life, but he also said, I tell people as much truth as I want to. And as I heard that from him, I began to think, what's the truth I'm not telling?

You started, let's go back to middle school. You were a high performer, high achiever. I mean, you had a public persona that you were trying to live up to, even when you knew about the junk in your own heart.

You thought, I just got to keep all of that hidden and be this person everybody expects me to be. And I thought it was interesting, Sharon, because you start your book by stating, I don't know how my life became all about me, but it did. And that's what you're referring to, Bob, back in your early years.

That's what you were referring to. What do you mean by that? I love that both of you have started at the beginning, because our stories do tell us who we are. And that's why as a therapist, I'm very interested in people's stories. But I learned, and I'm not placing the blame on this for anyone, but I learned early on that looking good made things better.

I mean, if you have middle schoolers out there, you know that. Looking good is what it's all about. Sometimes looking good in the church is what it's all about.

But we don't need to blame the church because that is our world. And so I felt in this conflict from the very beginning that as Romans chapter six and seven says, the things I want to do, I can't figure out a way to do them. And the things that I don't want to do, that's what I find myself doing. And so the message from early on was try harder, do better, and look good.

And when you are caught in that terrible trap of I need to be more, I need to do better, but I can't. What did that look like specifically as you were growing up? I think I questioned my faith in middle school.

I remember a story of being at a Josh McDowell conference, which those who are listening who are old, like me, remember that. And thinking, I don't belong here. It is the sense of where do I belong?

I don't belong in the church because I question things and I do things that if anyone knew, they'd kick me out. And yet this feeling that I want to belong to something that is more than me, which we have certainly seen in our culture in these days, that people want to belong to a cause, an idea, a movement that is more than just ourselves. So being caught in that conflict left me feeling like I'm not enough. I can't do it right.

No matter how hard I try, I'm going to fail. And so, and this is the deadly part of my story. And I wonder if people out there could identify with this. So is that the title, belonging? I mean, that is a word when you hear it, it's emotional. Is that where it came from?

It is. And the belief that to belong, I have to keep things secret. And as I say in the book, it didn't take me too long into my early adult life to figure out we don't carry our secrets.

They carry us. Talk about that. What do you mean? Well, I think that we believe if I don't tell anyone about this, if I don't express this doubt, if no one knows about this behavior. And certainly part of my story that I'm very open to talk about is being an alcoholic and being in recovery two steps forward, three steps back for 30 years, that the parts we keep secret carry us into shame, guilt, despair, feeling like a fraud.

Not being able to connect with other people. And so we don't feel like we belong because we're not our true self. You know, I went on vacation as a seven-year-old with my family. It was one of those great trips that I can remember. But as you were talking this flashback in my mind, Sharon, that I can remember having had some sexual abuse happen before this trip. But on this trip, we had vacationed with families that we had never been with.

And that same abuse happened with an older teenage boy. But I never forgot that trip because it was after that time that it started in my head this thought, something must be wrong with me. And before I thought, maybe, you know, maybe this is just their messed up, but that was the day it solidified in my mind.

It's me. Something's wrong with me. And I had that sense that I didn't belong, that there must be something wrong with me. And I'm over here by myself when all the world is right, but I'm not. And there's a tragedy in that for so many of us that have that sense I don't belong. You had that as a child. You share about it in your book.

I do. And there are many stories in this book that I have never told until this book. Because as you're saying, Anne, as children, especially when we have tragedy or betrayal happen in our lives, we believe it's my fault. And we tuck it away. There's something wrong with me because to believe that my parents have not noticed, my parents have abandoned me, adults in my life have not been safe leaves us feeling even more alone than ever.

So it's my fault, which sets us out on a journey of trying to control, do better, try harder, make sure nothing like that ever happens again. But I do feel like many of us have these stories from childhood. You know, what's interesting is, you know, as both of you two women talk about this, you know, when Anne and I get married, I have no idea about this secret.

I didn't either. You know? I mean, I knew it happened to me, but I tucked it away and I thought, I'm not going to talk about that with anyone. And you didn't think you were carrying a heavy weight. No, I just worked harder and harder to disguise that by being the best at certain things. I mean, you put the fig leaf on your hide.

It's been a part of the human DNA from the Garden of Eden. And Anne did that. We've all done that. Here's what I want to ask you is, so we're married. I don't know this is even part of her story. You said earlier stories carry our whole lives.

When I discover this, as she begins to reveal it, actually in a counseling situation early in our marriage, my perspective is, oh, you know, you were seven. No big deal. Get over it. You know, I'm sure you're fine with that now, right? And she's sort of like, oh, yeah. I'm like, OK, good.

Thanks for telling. Let's move on. How naive could I be as a husband? I did not enter into that pain. And so I think in a sense for years, she still felt like she didn't belong even with me because I didn't engage that.

Is that your story? And help us husbands or you could be wives. It could be reversed when they when they find out from their spouse this truth that maybe they've been carrying is part of their story. How do we respond? How do we help them feel like they belong?

Such a great question, Dave. And I don't want to speak for Ann, but you can go ahead and counsel us. But I know what happens is when we experience trauma and trauma can simply be described as something that our brains are not capable of processing.

So at the age of seven, how can you process sexual abuse? And so our brains disconnect from ourselves and other people. So the glory in this story is that Ann did tell you because she wanted to connect with you. And that's the brave reality of telling the truth. That's right.

There it is. It was it was a critical moment in our marriage. And I blew it, but not forever.

You know what I mean? I didn't respond correctly initially, but eventually I matured. I didn't think you even blew it.

I didn't I wasn't even aware. Well, it was trauma for you to hear that. And so it's important to know that when we experience trauma, whether it's thinking about our childhood or going through a pandemic in our world, our brain does not know what to do with it. And so it automatically, I don't know why this happens, disconnects from people. The very thing that we need, we disconnect from.

So in that counseling session, Ann was saying, I don't know what you're going to think about this, but I know I need you. I cannot be in this alone. And that is a message of belonging, that we are living in a world that is distant, divided, disconnected. So as we begin to tell the truth about our lives now, I don't want to make this all rainbows and happiness because telling the truth about our lives is scary. We will be judged by some people. You'll lose friends.

Yes. You've lost friends. I have. And yet at the same time, I know there is something about telling the truth about my life. The book Belonging begins with telling about a DUI I got 15 years ago and something I still feel shame about as I talk about it today. And yet what I know is that those people who judge me maybe have not had experience with the situation or maybe they're scared of something in their own lives. Sharon, take us back to that.

Like what happened? You know, whether you're seven and you carry a secret for a long time, I was carrying this secret that I was addicted to alcohol. And as a Christian, and I was a Christian, I loved God and I wanted to serve him, but that did not negate this biological reality that was going on in my life. Did that start in high school for you? No, it started in my early 20s. Well, let me be the therapist for a second.

Please. You were saying you have a secret that's alcoholism, but in any kind of addiction, we're escaping something else. Had you dealt with what you were escaping from? And so such a great question because we are tempted when someone in our lives is doing selfish, unthinkable behavior. And that's what alcoholism is. Our temptation is to say, what are you doing?

How can you do this? Stop. Yes. Instead of asking, as you just did, Ann, what's the pain behind that? So there were lots of secrets behind that, like the sexual abuse that you talked about, like the performance that you talked about, Bob, of thinking that I've got to be better, try harder, do more, which always leaves us feeling insufficient. So what was the pain that opened the door to alcohol for you? It was anxiety. And the anxiety is fueled, there can be chemical realities, but for me, I think it was fueled by this performance energy that I've got to look good.

I've got to do more. I have got to rise above the questions, doubts, pain in my life. And so as a 21-year-old, so I did not drink until it was legal. As a 21-year-old, I discovered alcohol, which numbed the pain, took away the questions, made me feel at home in my own skin. And, you know, it wasn't a problem until it became a problem. As I have said often, alcohol makes everything better until it makes everything worse. And then at that time in my life when I got a DUI, my marriage was falling apart. All of my strategies to prove that I was a good Christian, which if you just hear that sentence, it negates the gospel. But it's what I believed. All my strategies were falling apart.

And so at that time, the liquor stores were closed in Colorado. On Sundays, I went to a restaurant and started to order drinks to numb me to me. It's as you said earlier, my life had become all about me. And that's hard to admit because we see in our culture people who are celebrities or political figures who we can easily say, oh, their life is all about them.

But most of us think about what makes me look better? What makes me look successful? What do I want?

What makes me feel good? And so as I was driving home from that restaurant, the most terrible thing I could imagine happened. And I saw the flashing lights of the police car behind me and I thought, OK, the gig is up.

I cannot outperform the pain and doubt and questions in my life. And certainly that came home to me when they took me to a detox facility and said, OK, you can leave, call someone. And I thought, who would I call?

Who could I tell the truth about me to anyone? And that opened the door to a journey that I did not expect. I mean, I was not 20 years old. I was 40 years old. And you had kids that were in your house still. That were teenagers. And to begin to rethink what it looks like to live a life of faith, not in me, but in someone who is far more than me.

It sounds good, but it's not easy. So was that the worst night of your life or do you look back and say it actually was a turning point? It was a turning point. It was not the worst night of my life.

I thought it was at that point. But it really opened the door for me to think, do I believe I am loved by God? Not for what I do or don't do, but because of who God is. It reminds me of a quote.

It's a friend of mine who said this. All of our hatred or lack of self-esteem is denying everything that God wanted you to be and choosing to see yourself as the enemy wants you to be seen. This is actually a form of pride in that pride is not necessarily thinking a lot of yourself, but it's thinking of yourself a lot. You're believing yourself more than you're believing God. Does that resonate with what you're saying? It does resonate. And yet for most of us, it's counterintuitive because we think the life of faith is proving ourselves. And I certainly believed it was protecting myself. I talked about this subject in one of the chapters in the book Love Like You Mean It because 1 Corinthians 13 says love rejoices in the truth.

And in marriage, I think we all have this tendency to want to only show to one another in marriage where we're supposed to be naked and unashamed, where we're supposed to be transparent, be one with one another. It's still kind of like if you really knew this about me, you would run. You would not want to be here. You would say, I've made a mistake.

You'd look for an out as quick as you could. So we keep a manicured performance. Even in our own home.

Yeah. It's sad, isn't it? Because it's the place where hopefully we are received with all of our flaws and all of our frailty and all of our failures. And I think part of the reason we are afraid to be honest is because we've seen other people be honest and we've seen them be punished for their honesty. We've seen them bear the reproach of others who have said, oh, that's you and they've been shunned and they've been outcast.

And we go, I'm not doing that. I mean, I'm thinking, Sharon, if you walked into church the day or two after you got pulled over DUI, what are people going to think? And it should be the place where they go, we're here to help.

But it's the place often of judgment. Well, I think too, Sharon, what you said is, who would I call? And I think we all have to decide that. Do I have someone that I can let them see all of me? And I think that's a really important question, whether you're married, whether you're single, that we all have to have someone besides God, because God's the first one to be honest with, I would say. But also someone else would say, this is who I am and I'm really struggling. Do we have that person? Do I belong? And here's I think the other thing I've recognized in all of this, because some of us can be pretty good performers.

Yeah. And we can go, I can hold it together. I don't know what happened to Sharon. She got silent, but I can hold it all together. And what that breeds is self-righteousness and judgmentalism. And you become one of these people. Why can't you hold it all together? Why can't you be good like me? And either one, you go back to Luke 15, the story of the prodigal son, there are two messed up people in that parable. They both missed the gospel.

That's right. There's the prodigal who lived out in the world and there's the self-righteous older brother who said, why can't you be perfect like me? And both of them needed forgiveness and hope and restoration. And that's why the father comes to the self-righteous older brother and says, aren't you coming to the party? He said, how come I don't get a party?

I've been perfect. Father says, you're welcome in if you'll, blessed are the poor in spirit. They're the ones who see God. This is really where you take us in your book, Belonging, which we've got available in our Family Life Today Resource Center. The subtitle is Finding the Way Back to One Another. And I just think about the marriages where transparency needs to be a part of the relationship, all of our relationships, being more open and honest with one another. This is at the heart of Sharon's book. Again, you can order the book from us online at familylifetoday.com or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to get a copy of Sharon Hirsch's book, Belonging. The website, again, familylifetoday.com or call to order 1-800-358-6329.

That's 1-800-F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today. I also want to say thank you to those of you who are regular listeners to Family Life Today and those of you who from time to time will get in touch with us and say, we are grateful for how God is using this ministry in our life, in our community, in our world. Thank you for the ongoing work of Family Life Today. We want to support what you're doing with a donation. Those donations are the lifeblood of this ministry.

You make it possible for us to be here every day, for us to reach more people more often all around the world. There are hundreds of thousands of people being impacted today by a conversation like this because of investments listeners like you have made in this ministry. If you're able to help today with a donation in support of this ministry, we'd love to send you as a thank you gift a copy of a book we talked about earlier this week, a book called Toxic Sons and Daughters-in-Law by Doyle Roth. That book looks at how we should interact with our sons or daughters-in-law if there has been some kind of disruption in our family unity as a result of them being grafted in. Again, the book is our thank you gift to you when you donate to support this ministry and you can donate online at familylifetoday.com or you can call 1-800-358-6329.

That's 1-800-F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today. Now tomorrow we want to talk more with Sharon Hirsch about the courage to be honest about who we really are. And what we do when that honesty invites scorn or ridicule. How do we handle that?

We'll have that conversation tomorrow. Hope you can tune in for that. I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch. We got some extra help from Bruce Goff and of course our entire broadcast production team was a part of shaping this program. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Bob Lapine. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life of Little Rock, Arkansas. A crew ministry. Help for today, hope for tomorrow.