Loving Our Introverted Children

If your teenager is spending a lot of time in his or her room by themselves, should you be concerned about that as a parent?

Is that a warning sign of something troubling? Holly Girth says there are good ways to diagnose what might be going on in your child's life. Knowing if that child is withdrawing and then re-engaging, that's the pattern of a healthy introvert, is withdrawal to refuel then re-engagement. If you're seeing that in your kiddo where they need to go in their room but then they come back out and they're a happier, more energetic person, that's normal introvert. If they are refusing to ever engage with anyone, they're isolating, they're not talking to anyone in their lives, that's a red flag. So really, it's just looking at is this pulling away a temporary thing that leads to something positive?

Or is it a sudden change associated with other things like mood and things where you probably want to get a counselor involved? This is Family Life Today. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson.

I'm Bob Lapeen. You can find us online at familylifetoday.com. We need to recognize that if our child is an introvert or an extrovert, we're going to have to adapt our parenting style as we raise them. We'll talk more about that today with Holly Girth. Stay with us. And welcome to Family Life Today.

Thanks for joining us. We're spending some time this week talking about introverts and extroverts, and I'm just wondering whether there's a relationship between extroverts and colic with babies. Don't you wonder about that? Because we have one child who was the calmest, quietest, most peaceful baby of probably of all five of ours. In fact, I think my mom wondered if this child had a hearing problem, you know, or there was something because early on they were just so mellow. And that son has grown up to be an introverted son. And yet I think of our kids who are more outgoing, and I'm thinking back to who they were as babies.

My brain goes here when we're talking about these things, and we've got Holly Girth joining us this week who isn't. Can we call you an expert on introversion? She is one, and she's written a book, The Powerful Purpose of an Introvert. Holly, welcome back.

Thank you for having me. Can you tell as a parent, do you think, if a child is an introvert or an extrovert when they're a month old or six months old or a year old? There have been studies done with babies where that was the purpose of the study to figure out are these kiddos introverts, extroverts, and follow them into adulthood because obviously you can't draw a conclusion.

And sure enough, most of the time the prediction was right based on how they engage again with their external environment. So an extroverted baby would act like what? If you introduce something new to them, they sort of just go all in, like walk into a room. It was an experiment where they would walk into a room with a volunteer they didn't know, a bunch of toys they'd never seen.

They'd jump right in. The introvert kiddo would kind of hang with mama a little bit, take a look around, figure it all out, and then probably engage. And so again, it's that external environment piece and the processing that we've talked about with the brain and nervous system. Is it that shorter, faster brain pathway they're using or the longer, more complex one where it means they just need a little bit of time? I've heard it said that extroverts are more like helicopters where they can lift off immediately and introverts are more like planes that just need a little bit of a runway.

Oh, that's interesting. Susan Cain, actually, who wrote the book Quiet and talks a lot about parenting introvert kids says, if you got an introvert kid and you're taking them into a new environment, just think of that, that they're a plane that needs a runway, but they'll get there. So often as parents, we do the opposite. We shame the child. You know, if you're walking in a room and your child grabs your leg and it may be because they're an introvert, they're just a little more timid to be a helicopter. I've seen, I've probably done this, you know, pushed them like, go, this is what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to be people person extroverted rather than helping them. Right. We sort of shame them.

That's horrible. Maybe I'm just talking about myself. And I've seen that done like this is the way you're supposed to be as a child rather than celebrating they're introverted. So it helps to know that, right, that that's what's going on and that their little introvert brains are probably registering strange people the same way they would a strange dog. So if your kiddo hid behind you because they saw a strange dog, you would say, this is seeing the neighbor's dog. Why don't you pet him on the head a little bit, you know, gradually introduce the child to that thing that is triggering their fight or flight response. It's just hard to think of people being that.

But it is. Our brains read other people and social things as potential threats. Can it be detected as early as the hospital when they're born? Because I'm thinking back. Our first son would cry whenever anyone else held him. But when I would hold him and talk to him softly, he was comforted. We had another son. They were all in the NICU, too, which was interesting. I was so amazed that whenever the nurses would hold him or the more people he would have around, he was so much more content, not just me, but all the nurses. He would just warm up to them. But when he was alone, he tend to be more fussy.

Yeah, I imagine so. I don't know if there have been official studies that early, but I would think observing as a parent, you would probably notice some differences. I want you to talk about Dave's point, because if we're raising kids and we figure this child is outgoing, extroverted, the other child is shy, introverted. First of all, do we have our categories right based on reticence or engagement? And then secondly, I'm guessing that we value extroversion and we punish introversion.

How should we be doing it differently? Man, I hate to make parents feel that way that they're doing it wrong with their kiddos, you know, because extrovert parents give different gifts to their introvert kids. They can help them be braver and step out of their comfort zone. And sometimes it's what they really need. And so I don't want to shame extroverts when we're talking about shaming introverts, because I think it's individual to each parent and child. But I think it's really coming down to what you were just saying, being observant as a mom, you noticed about your baby, even from teeny tiny. This is the way they engage with the world. And so once people are equipped with the knowledge that that affects introversion and extroversion, then you can start adapting and learning about who your kid is, what they need, coming up with strategies together, because you don't want to overprotect introvert kids either.

That's not the point. Again, we talked in our last conversation about we don't want to make excuses for ourselves, but we also don't want to say, I'm just going to let my introvert kid always hide. It's about getting them to a level of safety where they can move forward on their own. I'll tell you what we did not as much when we were raising our kids, but I see it now as a grandparent. And I think this is a strategy we could have employed more if you're going to a new setting, something that's going to be different for the child, rather than waiting till you get there and letting that experience just happen, some coaching. So we were going recently with one of our grandkids to church and we were talking about the fact that sometimes this child is shy about going to kids ministry at church.

So on the car ride on the way over, I was saying, oh, man, I'm so excited for you. You get to go to kids church. They're going to be people, you know, and I know there are toys in there. And do they do snacks there?

I think they do snacks. So I was just trying to prep this grandchild for what was coming so that it didn't just come at them all at once and cause that panic response. You should be in a grandfather hall of fame.

That's really good though. And I think there's a lot of that preparation and coaching we can do as parents and as grandparents to help our kids and grandkids be ready for what's coming, rather than just expect that in the moment they should be able to adapt instantly. Yeah, I think that's a great example of building a runway. You built your grandkid a runway.

And so they were ready by the time they got there. You grew up as an introvert. You didn't have a name for it. Did you feel less than? It's interesting because I am from an entire family of introverts. Both of my parents are introverts. My only sibling is an introvert.

So in my world, introvert was normal. And so it's been interesting to engage with people that didn't have that experience. And it's different, you know, so I was just like everybody else around the table.

So I didn't think as much about it. It was more in settings like school or youth group. And I actually always had a ton of friends, but I always built my own tribe. Like I went, drove my parents big, gray van around and picked up like eight kids and took them to youth group every week.

But they were like my little tribe of people that I knew and had, was familiar with. And I've sort of done that all my life. So I think it's just understanding your kiddo and building that runway preparation is a great strategy.

I think for littler kids thinking about physical comfort, like if they have a blanket or teddy bear or whatever it is that's comforting to them, let them go ahead and have that because it's countering that external stimulation that they're dealing with. I think context is always helpful for older kids. You know, like you were saying, here's what's going on. Here's what's going to happen here. She's going to be there.

How it's going to work out. That just helps with all the processing. I think asking if they're old enough to ask, what do you need to feel more comfortable? And they'll often tell you, I need to know what time we're going home because then I can budget my energy. That's something we have to do a lot as introverts. We know we have X amount of energy per day. We budget it accordingly and then we're OK.

But if we don't know what's coming, we can't budget correctly. Then suddenly we're in a social situation where we've hit our done point and we physically cannot continue engaging at the level we want to. And yet we're with people we value that we deeply want to show we value them. And that causes a kind of panic that is very distressing.

So even telling your kid we're going to be here for two hours, then you can go home. Talk about that energy thing, because, you know, the misunderstanding that I've seen and I think I had this for quite a while was introverts are not good with people. They don't really like people. Extroverts are good with people.

They like people. And then when Ann and I years ago went through the Myers-Briggs training, I remember our leader said extroversion and introversion is about energy. And this is how he explained it.

Tell me if you agree. He said it's like you have a power cord in your hand and an extrovert sees a group of people over there and he goes, oh, I'm going to go over there because they get energy from being with people. And an introvert has that power cord and sees a group of people and says, no, I'm going to go over here and be more alone and I'm going to come out of that with energy. And it's just an energy thing.

It's like they're not better or worse. They love people. They just get energy many times not being with them. And then, like you just said, the amount of time can sap their energy. Is that true?

Yeah. Well, it's related to energy in that those neurotransmitter differences that we talked about in an earlier conversation. So extroverts prefer dopamine, which is a neurotransmitter that revs you up, that acts like caffeine. So obviously, on the outside, that looks like people energize extroverts, but it's actually people cause our brains to release a lot of dopamine.

So that's what's going on. And then introverts with acetylcholine, which is the neurotransmitter that makes us feel best. That's what energizes us. And that's released when we turn inward, having meaningful conversation with one person, focus on a project we're passionate about. So it looks like that's where introverts get their energy. So, yes, but it's also more complex than just how introverts and extroverts are affected by people. So when you mentioned dopamine, I think addiction. Can an extrovert be addicted to people? I think it's possible.

Wow. That's interesting. Because dopamine is associated with a lot of actual addictions like gambling. You know, you pull a slot machine handle, you get a hit of dopamine. If withdrawing is the temptation of introverts, then I think using that dopamine hit in unhealthy ways would probably be a vulnerability for extroverts. Would you say it's because they're avoiding something else that may be painful? She's now counseling me. That was a question for about her husband.

I think that's a question to ask. Is this behavior avoidance? I mean, it's the same thing we've been talking about with introverts. If an introvert's locking themselves in the room excessively, that's avoidance. If an extrovert's choosing to be with people to the extent that they are avoiding something they know God has placed on their heart to deal with, then I would say that's avoidance.

So I think any behavior, if we're saying I'm doing this to avoid rather than as a proactive, healthy choice, and that's a red flag that we probably need to take a look at. Some moms and dads will observe a child who appears to be a friendly, outgoing child hit adolescence, and all of a sudden it's like something just changed. My extrovert is no longer an extrovert. My extrovert seems to have pulled inside.

Should they be concerned about that? How can you tell the difference between something that is troubling and something that is just personality-based? Knowing if that child is withdrawing and then re-engaging, that's the pattern of a healthy introvert, is withdrawal to refuel, then re-engagement. So look for that. Refuel, re-engagement.

Refuel, re-engagement. If you're seeing that in your kiddo where they need to go in their room, but then they come back out and they're a happier, more energetic person, that's normal introvert. If they are refusing to ever engage with anyone, they're isolating, they're not talking to anyone in their lives, that's a red flag because that's different than introversion. Extroverts can get to that place too. And so hopelessness in their speech would be a sign of depression, not introversion. Losing interest in activities they once loved because introverts will still have activities they love. They just may be different activities than an extrovert kiddo does. So you want to see that capacity for joy still there, so that's another red flag. So really it's just looking at, is this pulling away a temporary thing that leads to something positive?

Or is it a sudden change associated with other things like mood and things where you probably want to get a counselor involved? And how about, I'm thinking of a dad that is called to lead his family spiritually in other ways, and moms are too, but I'm thinking because I'm a dad, if I'm an introvert and I actually want to pull away and yet I have to lead, you think, oh, that's an extroverted function and so extroverts will be better at that. But what if I'm an introvert? You know, I even think in the NFL, it's really interesting, quarterbacks like me are usually extroverts, kickers are usually introverts. They're literally on another field kicking a ball while we're all over here in a group. And then when I think about leading my family, I think of a quarterback in a huddle. Let's go.

Here we go, guys. And a kicker is not going to do that. He's going to walk in and say, just let me kick the ball and go back to my sideline. You know, and that's what he does really good at. So how does an introvert, mom or dad, lead a group of people? Yeah, I think it's recognizing that introverts and extroverts have different leadership styles.

Both are equally effective. A 10-year leadership study actually found that introvert CEOs were a little more likely to surpass the expectations of their board and investors, which you wouldn't, you know, expect. And so extrovert leadership often looks like upfront.

It's a little more vocal and visible. Introvert leadership, I say, is leading from behind. An introvert will often get behind a person or a project or a team and champion them in ways that are often not as visible, but just as valuable. Like in the leadership book, Good to Great, Jim Collins describes level five leaders.

He calls them humble, self-effacing, even shy, all these characteristics. And I thought he's talking about introvert leaders. A really beautiful scenario is when you get an extrovert leader paired up with an introvert leader. And author Jennifer Kahnweiler calls that genius opposites.

For example, Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak. And if you think about marriages where you've got one introvert, one extrovert teaming up with those different styles of leadership, that can be really powerful. And so what I say a lot to introvert leaders is don't focus on visibility, focus on the value that you're adding. And so that introvert dad maybe is not as vocal, but he's great at listening to his kids or taking them out to breakfast one on one instead of taking everybody in the car together somewhere. And so I think just saying, what is my natural leadership style, how does that work for our family, and how do I team up with my spouse where we both get to lead together? Yeah, I was going to say, teaming up with your spouse, seeing the greatness and strength in him or her. And you even mentioned in the book Moses, who had a partner.

Yes. You know, I mean, nobody would think, I didn't think Moses would be classified more as an introvert, but look at how he responded to the call God had on his life. Talk about that. Yeah, so obviously, Moses did not take a Myers Briggs with the burning bush.

But from all indications in Scripture, God says, I want you to go before Pharaoh. And he's like, I'm not a good public speaker. And he wants someone to go with them. He ends up with Aaron, his brother, who I think is an extrovert. And so they ended up as this introvert extrovert pairing. And so again, that's an example of how that can be powerful. But I think a lot of biblical characters actually have introvert characteristics that we can learn from.

And again, that goes back to just it's a complementary pairing that we need both in our world. I'm thinking that extroverts like spotlights and applause and cheering and introverts don't. And I'm wondering how we affirm and reward our kids who are introverts in such a way that they go, I am valuable and appreciated if it's not by turning the spotlight on them or cheering for them or having everybody say for he's a jolly good fellow, right? Yeah, I think it's talking to that kiddo and saying, what makes you feel good? You know, what can I do that makes you feel that I am proud of you? And listening to that answer, because it's true for introverts, attention is something to be endured. It's a necessary part of doing what we are called to do at times, but it's not something that feels rewarding. Often praising introvert kids in private, like writing them a note or saying just you and I are going to go out to your favorite place for ice cream on Friday, give an introvert kid your full attention and blocking everything else out for them.

That's huge. That shows them I matter and you're investing in me individually. I think that can be a strategy. Some of my favorite conversations in our home were with our son that's the introvert. I think it's because it felt like I was panning for gold. Introverts don't necessarily give all their thoughts and feelings away to anybody. And so when I would have those conversations with CJ, just the two of us alone, looking eye to eye and just talking about like, tell me what you think of this or tell me your thoughts about this.

And this conversation was slow. It was sweet because he's very mindful of his words. And yet I would walk away feeling like he gave me such a gift because he doesn't give those words and those thoughts and feelings to everyone. And I think that's the sweetest thing about introverts that when they give you their heart, it feels like something very sacred to me.

It's not something you just cast away or you think of that. So that's no big deal because it was a big deal for him to open up and share. And I'll just add this, and it's really the subtitle of your book is one of the reasons CJ was able to do that with Ann was I know he felt loved and valued as an introvert. Like she let him be him, you be you.

And that, I mean, I could see it. He came alive knowing she appreciates the way God made me. I always say that's fascinating the way you think.

It's so different than what I would even come up with. Your mind is fascinating. And I think we could say that about each other because anything that God creates is pretty magnificent.

And so for us to say that to our kids and be fascinated with how God made them is a gift that we can give to our kids and our spouses. This is so helpful, I think, for all of us to think about the fearfully and wonderfully made differences in each of us and to think about how we can stretch ourselves. So if we are extroverts, how we can maybe get a little more solitude in our lives, a little more reflection in our lives.

If we're introverts, how we can stretch and learn to adapt to an environment a little better, how we can raise our kids. This is just so helpful. And Holly, I'm grateful that in the book you give us ways to do the diagnosis.

You didn't just write the ideas, but we can do some self-examination and exploration. Thank you for the conversation. Thanks for writing the book.

Thanks for having me. You can go to our website at familylocktoday.com to find out more about Holly's book, The Powerful Purpose of Introverts. And I should mention, too, you've got on your website a 10-question diagnostic tool to help people figure out just how introverted or how extroverted am I. And we've got a link to that on our website at familylocktoday.com.

Get a copy of Holly Gerth's book and find out how you can take the diagnostic quiz that is available. You can also call us if you'd like to order Holly's book. Our number is 1-800-358-6329.

That's 1-800-F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today. Now, as we are fully engaged in a brand new year, we are excited about what God has ahead for us in 2021. David Robbins, who is the president of Family Life, is here with us. And David, I think everybody is hoping 2021 is going to be a very different kind of year than 2020 was. I mean, who is not ready to turn the page on 2020?

And we're glad that we are here. Yet some things feel a little too familiar to what 2020 felt like. But there is no doubt that there's an expectancy of what this year may hold and how it may be different. And I'm expectant on the ways God wants to work in each one of our lives as we've had to walk through a bunch of struggle and a bunch of waiting and a bunch of pain. So we're in the thick of it still, yet there is an expectancy that I am really encouraged by and hopeful in. And part of my hopefulness really comes from many of you, many of you who at the end of the year partnered with Family Life, gave generously in order to set us up to do the ministry plans that we had ready to go in this coming year of 2021. But we wanted to be sure that we had the capacity and the resources in order to be able to pursue them. And man, I'm so encouraged.

You know, the reality is it takes around two weeks at the turn of the year for all the giving to get registered and to get the report of kind of where we stand at the end of the year. And we were very frank and honest of us needing your help. And I just want to say again, thank you for coming through. Thank you for setting us up to fuel ministry when it comes to 2021 and the expectancy we have on what God wants to do in families. Well, and of course, we are grateful for your ongoing support throughout the coming year.

So thanks in advance for your partnership with us. And thank you, David. And we hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship together in your local church this weekend. And I hope you can join us back on Monday when we're going to talk about how important it is for us to understand the person God made each one of us to be and how we live that out in our marriage and in our family. Jamie Ivey is going to be here with us to talk about that. We hope you can be here as well. I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Bob Lapine. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life of Little Rock, Arkansas, a crew ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.