Introverts and Relationships

Most often in marriage, one spouse will lean more in the direction of being an extrovert. The other will lean in the direction of being an introvert. Can that cause problems in a marriage?

Holly Girth says it can, but it doesn't have to. Say, you know it's going into marriage. You're engaged, maybe. You say, what's your ideal weekend? And listen to that person's answer. And if it's different than yours, then it's figuring out what does that look like? So maybe, okay, every Friday night, we are going out with our friends.

Every Saturday morning, we are sleeping in. And that's our strategy. And you try it, and if it works, you continue. If it doesn't, you try something else. But it's better to have those conversations up front instead of it being Friday night and one saying, I'm out, the other saying, let's go, or Saturday morning and the other way around.

And so I think any two people God calls together can absolutely make a relationship work. This is Family Life Today. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson.

I'm Bob Lapine. You can find us online at familylifetoday.com. What are strategies we can employ as couples to help introverts and extroverts get along with one another better?

We'll talk about some of those ideas today. Stay with us. And welcome to Family Life Today. Thanks for joining us.

I'm trying to wrap my head this week around this whole idea of introversion, extroversion, what it is. Part of the reason for this is I've told people over the years that if we walk into a room and there is a microphone there, I am drawn immediately to it. So is Dave. What is this with you two? Is this on? Can I get up? Can I perform?

Right? Mary Ann wants to leave the room immediately if she sees a microphone because it might pick her up from the far corner. Her aversion to speaking is matched only by my delight in it. And yet our guest who is joining us again today, Holly Girth. Holly, welcome back. Thank you. Who is behind a microphone at this moment.

Yes, at this very moment, yes. An introvert behind a microphone. She's written a book called The Powerful Purpose of Introverts, Why the World Needs You to Be You.

And we're talking about that this week. You said, as we talked earlier, that you had given a keynote at some event and I thought introverts don't give keynotes. I mean, introverts stay away from that kind of thing. So I'm still trying to wrap my head around what it is. Can an introvert be a public speaker who likes a microphone?

Yes. Many of the top public speakers, actually, according to the Speaker's Bureau, are introverts. So it's not a fear of being in front of the crowd that makes you an introvert. It's not that you just want to be alone all the time.

It's not that you don't like people. It's that you don't get energy from what? It's that we have a preference for a minimally stimulating environment. So when there's a lot going on outside for an extended amount of time, it's eventually exhausting to us. And we need to pull back and process and then we're ready for more.

So that's really the difference. When you walk off the stage after a keynote, is your inclination like, I'd like to go to my room now? Or are you thinking, I really enjoy talking to the people I just talked to? I usually take a nap. Do you? Literally.

Like, my tank is at zero. And the talk before and after the microphone is actually much harder for me. Because often introverts can speak well because we're good at preparing. We are thoughtful and reflective. We have a message often we want to share, ideas we've spent time coming up with. We care about getting that out to people.

And we can speak and share that. And that's more comfortable a lot of times than doing an hour of mingling at the cocktail party after. But it's not because you don't love people. No, we equally love people. Introverts and extroverts equally love people. Just the settings we likely prefer to engage with them are different. I would rather have coffee with one person and talk to them for two hours. Where I'm thinking, extroverts, you might prefer to have more than one person that you get to have a conversation with in that amount of time.

Or you'd like to have a dinner party at your house where you get to have a lot of people that you love around the table. And if you think about that, not in terms of people, but in terms of how much is going on that your nervous system has to process, that's the big difference. So I'm hearing this and thinking, part of me feels introverted and part of me feels extroverted.

I mean, I would rather have a one-on-one conversation with somebody, but I also can multitask and like a lot going on. You're bioverted. Or there is this phrase, you've heard it, right, where people say, I'm an ambivert, but you go, I don't think that's a real thing. Yeah, for the most part, I don't think we're ambiverts. There's been studies that follow people from infanthood through adulthood and these characteristics show up starting when they're a little bitty, like you talked about your son.

His entire life has showed introverted characteristics. So for that reason, and because it is based on brain and nervous system wiring, like we talked about, I think that we are usually one or the other. That being said, it's like being right or left handed. So we use both of our hands all day every day. But there's one that's usually stronger than the other and that we rely on more, especially in certain situations or for particular tasks. And again, we're all on a continuum. So, yes, you could definitely have parts of you that look a little more introverted.

It's just at the end of the day, which one is a little more dominant for you? We've had our counselor describe it to us as, oh, you've matured in your extraversion, which was an interesting way of saying it in terms of we kind of know who we are, what we need. But we're OK with going to the other side with introverts, knowing how to treat them, how to get along with them and how to appreciate them. Yeah, I'm thinking about when Mary Ann and I met. I don't know that I stopped to even think, is she an introvert or an extrovert? I just I was attracted to who she was. Well, she's pretty and she's smart and I like talking to her. And of course, when when you meet somebody like this, what you lock on to is all of the things you have in common rather than stopping to think about all of the things that are different about you.

Right. So it was only later that I recognized, oh, there's a lot that is different about her and she is more introverted than I am. How important do you think it is, Holly, for people who are dating, getting to know one another, thinking about marriage to stop and ask the question, first of all, what am I?

What are you and is this thing going to work? I think it's very important because it does impact all different areas of our lives from relationships to work, to daily life, what we do on the weekends. And so having that self-awareness I think is important. I think that we all go through life with one of three perspectives, either self-critical, we're really hard on ourselves, leads to insecurity, self-focus, which is more pride and that end of the spectrum or self-awareness, which is what David was expressing in Psalm 139, which was, I praise you because I'm fearfully and wonderfully made. So when we understand ourselves, it leads to praise, not to pride. It also helps us understand others. The most self-aware people I know are also the most other aware because when you understand who you are, you recognize when someone is different than you and you can appreciate it rather than it feeling like a threat. And so I would say for couples who are dating, absolutely, there's lots of great assessments out there that tell you if you're an introvert or extrovert. I have a one-minute quiz on my site where you can find out what percent introvert you are because we all have a little introvert in us.

So you can do that. But I think it's a piece to understand. That being said, the most common pairing in marriage is introvert and extrovert. And again, I think it goes back to that we've seen creation, God did a lot of complementary pairings, day and night, leniency, masculine, feminine.

I really believe introvert and extrovert is another one of those pairings. And we do have a link on our website at familylifetoday.com to the quiz you're talking about. So if listeners want to do that one-minute quiz and figure out where am I here? Can kids do that?

Can you do that with your kids on the site? Oh, good. Yeah. But you're not saying if a couple's dating and they realize by taking your quiz or another way, I'm an extreme extrovert. I'm all the way on the far end of the continuum and I'm dating a woman who's a extreme introvert. Are you saying don't continue? Everything else lines up, but this one's way apart.

What do you think? I would say educate yourself about yourselves and each other so that you can make strategic decisions together about what life is going to look like. And so you don't take it personally when that person acts out who they are. So, for example, when an introvert is taking time to process or need solitude, it can feel like holding back or rejection.

But it's actually not. That introvert is actually giving their full mental strength to what you have just said. And that means they have to be quiet for a moment. So where it can feel like dismissal, it's actually they're expressing how much they value you. So when you're in the midst of a conflict, what would be a good thing for the extrovert to say to the introvert who's pulling back or the introvert to say, here's what's happening?

Because we make a lot of assumptions in conflict or in relationships. So what would that look like for the extrovert to say what as you sense your spouse pulling back? Yeah, I think saying it feels like you're getting a little overwhelmed. Do you need some time to process?

Can we circle back to this and then pick a time? Because when it comes to fight or flight, extroverts are more likely to fight and introverts are more likely to flight. So you don't want to just let them run off forever. Set a time to come back together and discuss it again. So I think it's just really about being intentional and strategic. I think any two people who say we are going to practice self-awareness so that we can also practice other awareness, we're going to be intentional and we're going to be strategic can make a relationship work. So that's having conversations like, OK, what's your ideal weekend when you're dating? Say, you know, it's going into marriage, you're engaged. Maybe you say, what's your ideal weekend?

And listen to that person's answer. And if it's different than yours, then it's figuring out what does that look like? So maybe, OK, every Friday night we are going out with our friends.

Every Saturday morning we are sleeping in. And that's our strategy. And you try it and if it works, you continue. If it doesn't, you try something else. But it's better to have those conversations up front instead of it being Friday night and one saying, I'm out. The other saying, let's go.

Or Saturday morning and the other way around. And so I think any two people God calls together can absolutely make a relationship work. And I think it's important, as you said earlier, that this is brain science, because I know a lot of us think, well, I'll change her. You know, she may be an introvert now, but after we're married, we're going out every Friday and every Saturday. And Sunday night we're watching Sunday Night Football Buffalo Wild Wings with a whole bunch of people we don't know.

This is sounding like my life right now. Seriously, we think we're going to change them. And this is who God made them. Yes.

Which is beautiful, right? I think it's very tempting. We've absolutely done this, you know, to say my spouse needs to be made in my image. And we have to get to the point where we practice humility and say, how do I help my spouse reflect the image of God that He has placed within them? And if they're an extrovert, that's helping them be that extrovert. If it's an introvert, helping them be that introvert. And then helping each other balance each other out, because that happens too, right? For years, extroverts help introverts, introverts help extroverts. And we all, like you said, we mature together. But I think it starts with understanding and a lack of shaming or guilt or judgment to just say, help me be curious about you.

Choosing curiosity over condemnation, I think is so essential. And even getting, and tell me if I'm right, even getting to the place of I'm not just going to tolerate it. I want to get to a celebration of her introversion or his introversion or extroversion. Because you get to a place where it's like, oh, okay, we're not going to go out again because she doesn't want to, rather than, this is awesome.

She's actually balancing me by saying, let's stay home tonight. You're talking about receiving your mate as God's perfect provision for you. One of the things we talk about, we talk about this all the time at the Weekend to Remember Marriage Getaway, that we can't just accept our spouse. We have to receive our spouse and receive the good gift God has given us. And that good gift is going to include differences that may seem like sandpaper at the time, but are actually designed by God to be good for us and good for our marriage.

Here's another question. Is it okay for an extrovert who's married to an introvert to go out with the guys? Or go out, she goes out with the girls because she wants energy, you know?

And her husband or spouse saying, I'd rather stay home. And that's good. I'm celebrating that. But every once in a while, man, I just, and sometimes you think I should never go out with the guys. Well, I say that today. You need way more friends.

You need like hundreds of them. Would you please get out of the house and leave me alone for a little bit? Yeah, I think that's actually a great strategy is to say if one spouse has a higher social need than the other, to say, you have permission to go out with your friends when you need that. And that usually works well because then the introvert gets their solitude and then everybody comes back together. So again, that's another strategy of just saying, what are some other ways we can get this need met in your life? Whether it's, I hear that a lot, permission to go out with your friends, or maybe it's an introvert mama who's home with kiddos all day and she needs a partner who's going to say, I'll take the kids, you go to a coffee shop and be quiet for an hour.

And then she comes back home as a better mama because that need is met in her life. So I think it's, again, just understanding what is the capacity that we have for social and solitude. And then how do we work together to get everybody's needs met?

So I think there's a way, you know, if you just negotiate through it. One of the things that you said earlier that I wanted to mention, I was assuming that introverts are more lonely. And yet you said the opposite. You said that extroverts tend to feel more loneliness.

Talk about that. It was fascinating. I did a study with my blog subscribers. I asked them, are you an introvert or extrovert? And what's your biggest struggles, an introvert or extrovert?

So I got over 2000 responses the first week. And when I looked, the extrovert said their biggest challenge was loneliness, which I would not have guessed at all. Because I tend to look at extroverts and say, y'all have people around you all the time. Like, you're always with your friends. You're always doing something.

You never get lonely. And so that was just a huge surprise to me. And I asked Dave, like, are you lonely?

Here it comes. And Bob. I asked Bob and Dave if they get lonely. Because I assumed that they didn't because they're both very extroverted. And you said yes.

And that's the end of the conversation. Everybody gets lonely. It's so funny. I just assumed Dave is never lonely.

He's always doing and going and happy. Look at how Bob just pushed that off. I had this aha moment about 15 years ago. I was in Orlando, Florida, on a business trip.

And at the end of our meetings down there, things ended early. My flight was the next day. And I thought, I'm going to Disney World. And I'm going to have the best time because, you know, when they say, who needs one?

And you can go up. I'm alone. I'll have the greatest time. So I remember riding this ride. I don't remember what it was. But at the end of the ride, I got off and it had been a great ride. And I got off and it was like, that was great.

And I looked around and there's no one to share that with. And it was the most depressing moment to think, no, things like this, the joy of them is not the ride. It's the shared experience. It's the joy that comes from being together. So, yeah, you can get lonely even in the midst of activities that you like, no matter whether you're an introvert or an extrovert, right? Yeah, and I think that is a great story for extrovert spouses to tell introverts, because we don't experience the world that way, you know? And so exactly what you said, it's not about this activity I'm asking you to do. It's about your presence in it, because it's about the joy of shared experience.

I mean, that's really helpful even for me to hear in those terms. So I think that's a great conversation to have too. You said you were in college when you first heard the term introvert and you went, this is me, they're talking about me, and that was a great moment for you. Then you met Mark later, right? Yes, well, we met in college, but after about two years after I found out I was an introvert. So were you thinking, is he an introvert?

Is he an extrovert? Was this a part of your calculus as you're getting to know him? I think we had that conversation pretty early on, just I love all the personality type stuff. I probably made him take a test.

I remember exactly. But yes, we are an interesting pairing because we're introvert-introvert, which is unusual in marriage. Like I said, usually you get one introvert, one extrovert. And so we have our own challenges of making sure we spend intentional time together. We have a breakfast date every Saturday morning, and we know that's our face-to-face time to connect, to make sure we're having those conversations.

So I think any pairing, any two people, there are things to figure out, and there are ways you make each other better. Were you attracted to his introversion? I was. I remember just his calm presence was really comforting to me as an introvert, and his just care for me, his thoughtfulness. A big rainstorm blew in during class one day, and I didn't know it was coming.

I didn't have an umbrella, and I walked out the door in my class, and there was Mark with an umbrella. And I think that is a pretty good picture of how we do life together, that he is a gift for caring for whatever is entrusted to him. And I'm grateful to be one of the things that has been, not things, people, that has been entrusted to him. And of course, though, we had to figure things out. We're different in other ways, like on the Myers-Briggs, he's an extreme thinker, I'm an extreme feeler. And so when we first got married, it felt like we were talking about two different things in conversation.

So we didn't have to work out the introvert-extrovert part, but we absolutely had to work out how to speak thinker and feeler. You know, this is one of the areas where, for Mary Ann and me, as we were growing in our marriage, there came to a point where we began to recognize what has been a principle that has helped us over and over again. And it's the principle that different isn't wrong, it's different. And I think we thought it was wrong for a long time. The way you think, the way you act, your preferences are the wrong way to do life. My way of thinking, acting, and doing life, that's the right way. And if you'd just be more like me, everything would get better. And to recognize, I think it was after taking some personality test that I went, oh, this is who she is, and there's nothing wrong with that, it's just different than how I do things. Now, Mary Ann is always quick to point out, sometimes different is wrong, right? And I think here we also have to be aware, Holly, because sometimes people can say, well, I'm just an introvert, and they'll use that label as a way to excuse sinful behavior or a lack of spiritual engagement. I mean, you can use this as a crutch and kind of hide behind it. And that's not what you're trying to do by providing this definition for people.

Yeah, not at all. And I think you ask, what is the fruit? Is this person choosing time alone and then coming back out and living a connected life? What is the end result of this choice? If they are choosing solitude and then coming back out refueled to do what God has called them to, then that is fruitful and helpful. If they are making bombs in their basement forever by themselves, that is not helpful.

So it's like, what comes out of this? Because I think the reverse can be true, that extroverts can use being extroverts as a way to avoid self-reflection. So I think any part of who we are taken to an extreme is unhelpful. So it's just asking, what's my tendency? Is my tendency to withdraw too much to give myself a pass on the entire people thing?

Or is it the other end where maybe I need a little bit of time, you know, and just understanding which one we naturally are more vulnerable to? Did you see what just happened? Did you see this?

So you said extroverts can avoid self-reflection. And Dave said, oh, yeah. And Ann looked like, tell me more, honey. I want to know more about why you said that. He said it kind of loud, too. Did you hear him? Did you relate to that?

No, not at all. I need to go into the closet. No, I mean, when you said that, yeah, I've done that. You know, as an extrovert, it's like you can use that almost like you said about it as an excuse. This is who I am. So this is what I do. I'm around people. But often you can use that to not reflect. I don't want to look at what's really going on in my heart. I'll just live in the party, you know, and enjoy the party.

It's an excuse because there needs to be time. And when you were talking about pulling away and re-energizing and come back, here's what I thought. Jesus. Yeah. So is Jesus an introvert? I think he's a perfect blend of both, which I love that he models both. He models like ministry to the crowds and then he models praying alone on a mountain.

And so I love that. But he is he is the hybrid. So I'd say Jesus is an ambivert.

Jesus gets to be an ambivert. And the idea of pulling away and needing time for yourself. I think some people can feel guilty.

And you talked about this earlier. That's like, so I need some me time. Well, just the idea of me time sounds narcissistic. It sounds it's not other centered. It's not God centered. It's me centered. So how do we get the balance there between this is appropriate recharging and this is just me doing what I want and not caring what anybody else thinks? Is it the fruit that you're talking about?

Yeah. I think you ask why if you're saying I need me time. That's one word our culture uses for it. And if you ask someone why and they say, because I'm exhausted and I know if I get 30 minutes to myself and I'm going to be a better wife, mama, spouse, friend, daughter of God, then to me, that is the opposite of selfishness. It's saying I'm doing this as an act of service where if the answer is I hate the world and everyone in it. And so I'm done with humans.

I'm out that which we can have those moments. That's a different thing. And so I think for people who feel guilty, just follow that to the end.

And why do I need this? And usually it ends up that there is a good intention underneath it. It's not about self.

It's about being able to have sustainable service for a lifetime. And I think it's awesome as I listen to you, Holly, think you have become you and you're impacting the world by writing. And you do that as an introvert. You pull away every day and you impact a lot of people.

But you do it in a quiet calm. It's beautiful to say there's the powerful purpose of your life. And if we could all be able to grasp that, who God made me to be and celebrate, I'm going to be that person. We could change the world.

You're changing the world. And I'm just thinking about the introverts who are cheering, hearing us talk about this and going, I've got to get this book because I've been longing for someone to help me understand me better. And that's what Holly does in the book, The Powerful Purpose of Introverts. You can order a copy of the book from us online at familylifetoday.com.

Let me also mention Holly's got on her website. I appreciate this. There's a 10 question kind of a little diagnostic quiz to help you determine how introverted are you or how extroverted are you? Because everybody's on a scale somewhere. It's not really you're an introvert or an extrovert. It's you're somewhere on that scale and the quiz on your website helps everybody figure that out. We've got a link at familylifetoday.com to that quiz if our listeners would like to take it. And again, you can order your copy of Holly's book, The Powerful Purpose of Introverts. Go to familylifetoday.com to order or call 1-800-358-6329.

That's 1-800-F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today. You know, I'm thinking about the fact that all of us who are raising kids, our kids are going to be somewhere on this continuum as introverts or extroverts, and part of our responsibility as we raise them is to understand how God has made them and to know how to raise them no matter who they are. Earlier this week, we talked with Chap Bettis about our assignment as disciple-making parents. He's written a book by that title, and the audiobook that he's developed is available for Family Life Today listeners this week for free. We'd love for you to be able to download this audiobook, The Disciple-Making Parent by Chap Bettis.

It's completely free. You can go to our website, familylifetoday.com, for information on how you can get a copy. Again, the title of Chap's book is The Disciple-Making Parent.

The audiobook is free. Go to familylifetoday.com to get your copy, or if you have any questions, call us at 1-800-FL today, and we hope you enjoy the book. And we hope you can join us again tomorrow when we're going to talk about kids, kids who are introverts and kids who are extroverts, and what we do as parents raising those children. Holly Gerth will be here again. We hope you can be here as well. I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Anne Wilson, I'm Bob Lapine. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life of Little Rock, Arkansas, a crew ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.