A Panel Discusses the Complexities of Stepfamilies and Holidays

Our first Christmas was a disaster because we had never discussed our expectations. Key word, expectations.

Or really how our customs might fit together. This is a point of contention. Well, the first few Christmases as a stepmom, I could deal with the tension, the expectations. Sometimes you can feel empty like you did measure up. I would get angry when my stepsons weren't happy with their gifts or they didn't think they got enough from their father. Then you find out, oh I'm not fine with everything that you decided.

That was very frustrating. And as a result of those unspoken expectations, we were both assuming things would happen the way we'd hoped for and it didn't. Expectations.

Oh, I'm not fine. You can feel empty. Tension.

I would get angry. And it created some really hurt feelings. Hurt feelings.

Hurt feelings. This is Family Life Today. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson.

I'm Bob Lapine. You can find us online at familylifetoday.com. Christmas is coming and so are the expectations. Whether you're in an intact family or a blended family, we need to be ready. Stay with us. And welcome to Family Life Today.

Thanks for joining us. We're going to get a chance to eavesdrop today on a conversation that for a lot of families, this issue, this week, I mean, this is the issue, right? Blended families trying to navigate the holidays.

Who is where, when? It's hard enough in an intact family. I think the complications of a blended could even be harder. And I, you know, I remember I was in a blended family and Christmas was, I sort of hated it because I would have Christmas morning with my mom who I lived with and then I'd have to get on a plane usually by about noon. On Christmas Day. Fly to Florida where my dad and stepmom were and do Christmas with palm trees. And then your mom was alone.

My mom, I left her, you know, all by herself. So yeah, it's a unique, different deal. Ron Deal, who works here at Family Life, gives leadership to Family Life Blended and has the Family Life Blended podcast that many of our listeners listen to regularly. He talked not long ago to a couple of blended family authors, people who have lived this and are helping others.

And then he got a studio audience together and they interacted. And we're going to dive in and hear some of this interaction that takes place between all of these folks and help blended families get ready for what's coming up this week. But before we do that, we're in the last 10 days of 2020, which many of us are going woohoo. Yes, we're excited. Let's get into 2021. Do you think 2021 is going to be different?

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Go to familylifetoday.com, make an online donation, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. And thank you in advance for what you're able to do. And let me wish you an early Merry Christmas. We hope you and your family have a great Christmas season. And if you are a blended family, we hope you get some encouragement today from the conversation. We're going to hear as Ron Deal talks with Laura Petherbridge and Judy Parzial talking about expectations during the Christmas season.

And then once he's interacted with them, there are people in the studio audience that will interact over what they've heard, talking about expectations for blended families during the Christmas season. Well, the first few Christmases as a stepmom, I couldn't deal with the tension, the expectations. I would get angry when my stepsons weren't happy with their gifts or they didn't think they got enough from their father.

That was very frustrating. My early stepfamily Christmases, I had too great of an expectation, too much of a Norman Rockwell view in my head of what Christmas was going to be. As we progressed as a stepfamily, I learned to lower my expectations.

I learned to keep focus on what was important. I learned what my stepsons loved about Christmas and what they didn't love about Christmas. I learned as a stepfamily unit that not to make the priority, making sure you had the kids on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning, if that caused too much stress for them, it wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth making Christmas morning something to fight over. I learned in a stepfamily that Christmas is often what you make it.

And if you set the expectations for the kids to be thrilled about everything, you may end up disappointed. I learned in a stepfamily that you often are not going to be able to take the stepkids to church like you thought you would. I learned that my example of Christ was doing more to help them see Christmas for what it should be than preaching to them about what Christmas should be. So that was author Laura Peterbridge from episode 15, our episode on the childless stepmom.

What are your reactions to some of her thoughts? I like how she learned to lower her expectations of what Christmas should be. The tradition in our home is that this is the day to celebrate the birth of Jesus, so it's not about you. In fact, we don't go overboard with all of the gifts. So if Jesus only received three gifts, you're not getting any more. And it's not going to be gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

Right, right. So you get no more than Jesus. So we try to go overboard for birthdays, you know, but for His birth, it's not about you. And if we teach them that day is not about you, then when you don't get your way, you're not bent out of shape, because guess what?

It's not about you. I need to get there. I need to get there because the pressure has always been, and this pressure comes from myself, I do it. So I pressure myself and my husband, our parents, on making sure all four children feel the same, equal across the board. And so we try to make sure that we're four children feel the same, equal across the line.

I mean, first Christmas, I remember counting gifts, y'all. I can second that. By the way, I'm out on the floor and I'm counting them out.

It's unanimous at the table. Okay, good. I'm not alone. What was that about for you, counting gifts? What was the need in you? I didn't want anyone to feel step, you know what I'm saying? I didn't want them to feel any indifference. This is my new family. These are my new grandparents. This is my new mom.

This is my new dad or stepmom, my new stepdad. I didn't want them to feel like, I didn't want them to even pay attention to that or feel that. And that was pressure that I put on myself, because if you notice, kids will open one gift and they're like done for a while. They're kind of shoving more towards them, but they're not even paying attention to that. Ron, I was thinking, holidays are not a competition, but let's say the other home, they go big or go home. They almost make it a competition? Yes, and the kids come over after they've already been there and you're more responsible and maybe a little bit, you want to teach more of the value of what Christmas is about, like Lars talking about.

And they're talking about how they got, you know, they made the big haul. And I think sometimes you can feel empty, like you did measure up to what they're getting over there. And that's not a good thought to have.

You need to come up with and be satisfied and content with what you're doing in your home and be happy with that, because they will sense that. And if you teach them the right thing about Christmas and what it really is, that's a lot more than anything they would get gift-wise. But I think as Candace is talking of that pressure, because you don't want a child to think, oh, you know, he's only gotten, we've had, you know, our kids have counted presents. He got 10 over there and we only got four. They don't know that four cost us more than those 10. And so I think we really lose focus on what it's all about. It's easy to do.

And so it's not a competition. I think this is so catchy because controlling the environment is really about, as Candace well said, controlling the heart of a child. You want them to feel welcomed and apart and nobody step, but everybody belongs. And so you try to control the climate and the environment such that they will feel that. Well, when there's other homes and other parents and other players in the game, you don't get to control all those things. And so you can drive yourself a little bit crazy if you think that all the externals are going to dictate the internal of the child, you know, keeping the reason for the season at the forefront, you know, staying focused on that.

You heard Laura say it, focus on what's important, lower your expectations about some other things. And being that example of Christ to them, you can be loving. Like it doesn't take any gift for you to show a child they're valuable. And if ultimately that's what you're trying to show them, you can show them just by your time and your energy and your excitement.

And yes, they may have questions. I got a stepbrother who got five gifts and I got two. Well, they went to another home, but you didn't. And, you know, that's the way it works. And we understand that he has another home. By the way, I've heard that so many times for the years, kids going, I want another home so I can get more. Yeah, that was me growing up.

I remember telling my parents, my older brother came home with like this video console and these shoes and all this stuff when I'm younger. And I tell my mama, I say, I want to step down. She's like, it's not how it works, darling. What do you do as a parent in that moment? Hey, you explain the truth of the reality.

The reality is that other home isn't paying child support. How about that? But no, you just, you just explained the truth, the reality of what's going on. At least for me, it's another opportunity for me to redirect them to Christ. Remember, it's not about you.

Yeah, no, that's good. And I do think the question embedded in that comment, hey, they got five and only got two, is, am I as valuable? And you can always speak to that.

Right. You know, Ron, I think for me, it wasn't so much about giving the value of the gifts, but my son's dad did not stay in his life during those growing years. And he did watch his step siblings go back and forth. And it wasn't about the number of gifts or the quality of the gifts, but it was about, were they more valued because they had all of these individuals giving them time. And so I was burdened in my heart about him. He was just in our home.

He didn't have another home to go to. And that's, I felt that burden for him. And you do the best you can and you explain and you show them their value.

And then I think you keep moving on. Well, we've been listening to a conversation with Ron Deal and some moms and dads who are part of a blended family talking about the complexity and the emotion that surrounds the holiday season when you're in a blended family. I think it's a great thing that they're talking about expectations because we all need to talk about that before Christmas, because so often we're let down. And the complexities. I mean, we all know how tough family can be at holidays and Christmas. And I don't think we have any idea the complexities when you add in blended and different. I mean, it's such a needed topic to talk about.

Yeah. What we're listening to is part of an extended conversation that was featured on Ron Deal's podcast, Family Life Blended. The entire conversation is available for download and I'd encourage you download it, listen to it, think about it, pray about it, get ready for what's coming this week. In the podcast, Ron shares a story from Judy Parzial talking about how they hadn't thought through expectations for the holiday season as a blended family and how that kind of came back to bite them.

Listen to this. Our first Christmas was a disaster because we had never discussed our expectations or really how our customs might fit together. And as a result of those unspoken expectations, we were both assuming things would happen the way we'd hoped for and it didn't.

And it created some really hurt feelings. So I think it's really important to talk about how you celebrate Thanksgiving, how your family celebrates Christmas, what are meaningful things for you? What do you like to do? What do your kids like to do? And have a conversation because you want to honor each family that's coming together, but you also want to develop some new traditions together.

And so as you develop more of those traditions together with holidays, that will be helpful in actually blending your family and making things memorable for everyone. That was Judy Parzial. She and her husband Jeff were our guests on episode 20 talking about couples who are about to blend. I heard different parts there guys react to this.

I heard her say it was a disaster. So we learned we had to talk, we had to try to plan, we had to honor traditions, and we had to find new ones. Key word, expectations. That conversation is very important.

Blended family period, but especially around the holidays. And it's not the time to be, oh, I'm fine with whatever you decide. Because then you find out, oh, I'm not fine with everything that you decided. And then it can be a disastrous holiday. So yeah, I think the expectations in that discussion and pretty much laying out, this is something that we've done that I really can't let go. This is something that I've done that we really can't let go. And do we decide not which one is more important, but which one do we want to make like our new tradition?

And how can we change that or what works for our household? Sometimes when we put together something in or say have a conference, what do we do afterwards? We sit and evaluate what worked and what didn't. You know, it may be a good idea that you have a teen family meeting. And we talk, including the kids and all, and ask, you know, what worked with this holiday?

What did you like about it? What could we have done differently? Get their input instead of coming up or assuming what didn't work, but get everybody's input so next year you can plan differently and maybe do something different. A holiday travelogue. How does that work?

I think it's just what Jeff said. Sit around the table and talk about what did Christmas or what did Thanksgiving birthdays, what did that look like for you before we came together? What did that look like for the parents in the home when they were growing up? And then talk about what do we want now? What is important do you want to bring into this new family that you had in your previous family? And what things do we want to merge together and create as our own new tradition?

Travelogue is one of our most successful things. And it really wasn't about the holidays. It was just learning about each other. We sat around the table and did it. And at first our kids were like, hey, what's this?

But when we did it, man, you're talking about opening up and finding out things about that they didn't know about us. It's pretty cool. That's good.

It is good. I don't think couples in blended families realize that this is a point of contention for couples in a first marriage. So my husband and I are first marriage blended family. And so because we are both from central Arkansas and our families are still here, we don't necessarily have to fight about, okay, where are we going to go for the holidays? Are we going to go to your mom's?

We can kind of do both. That's the beauty of living, you know, so close to family. But we also didn't have those really good conversations about, hey, did you talk to his mom?

Hey, did you talk to her mom? And as the stepmom and the potential smart stepmom I'm trying to be, I always try to initiate those conversations. But you have to realize that you married someone who may be a planner who may not be a planner and guess who's the planner. And guess who's not the planner in my situation. So a lot of times conversations didn't get done like I wanted. And that's where the stepping back and allowing whatever chaos to transpire, transpire so that this hard lesson could be learned by my loving husband.

You know, Shannon, I think that's a really good point. We really need to look at the marital relationship when this issue comes to the forefront, not just in the parenting side, because when Jeff and I got married, I didn't realize he had a romantic idea every year. He would go out at midnight and the night before and buy stocking stuffers. Hmm.

That was his thing for the family. Well, I'm the planner. So what did I do?

I had them all bought before. Oh, wow. So I stole one of his romantic plans.

And, you know, I don't know if he grieved that, but I grieved that for him when I found out that I stole his thunder. That's what the best deals are. That is true.

That is true. I really, even going back to the comment that I just made about how we had the discussion and thinking about your travel log that will be implemented in our household. But that discussion that we had was about us. It wasn't about our children. We didn't even, I didn't even think of that until right now.

And now that I'm thinking when you were speaking, I'm like, is it too late? And no, I think that's something that you can continue to do every holiday, every birthday. So yes, that will be happening in the Koglu household. And you can read about the travel log in my book, The Smart Step Family. By the way, the bigger narrative there is that as a family, as you continue to dialogue about the past and the present and what worked and what didn't work and how we're going to move forward, you are taking further steps in defining how you're going to be family with one another. And this is part of the process of becoming family.

So the travel log is not just about information. It's about that bigger story of us figuring out us. Well, again, we've been listening to an excerpt from an extended interaction that was part of the Family Life Blended podcast that Ron Deal hosts talking about expectations during the holiday season.

Ron told me, this is one of the most downloaded podcasts in his series that he's done because the holidays are tricky for blended families. And people want help. And they really do want hope because it can be, I mean, it can get to the point where you give up on the holidays in an intact family without the complexities. I mean, honestly, we've all been there. It's like, this isn't even worth the hassle.

And yet, boy, oh boy, it's a whole nother world. And that's why this is such a needed podcast. I think this is a great podcast to share with friends right now, because we're all going to need this, especially blended. And I would say for everybody to stop and just calibrate the next week and stop and say, okay, what do we want to make sure by the time the week is over? What do we want to make sure we've accomplished? And what can we let go of so that we stay focused on the main thing? And pray, like begin praying for your family time, too.

Because I think that's really important to make sure Jesus is a part of this season. And if you have not gone through Ron's book, The Smart Step Family, it's a book we've got in our Family Life Today Resource Center. I'd also mention Ron's new book that he wrote with Dr. Gary Chapman called Building Love Together in Blended Families. Both of these are really must-reads for anyone who is in a blended family. Go to familylifetoday.com, find out more about these resources.

You can order them from us on our website. Again, it's familylifetoday.com, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to order these books. 1-800-F as in Family, L as in Life, and then the word Today. Now, for those of you who are doing last-minute Christmas shopping, as some of us are this week, I hope you'll also consider a year-end gift to family life. We mentioned earlier today that we've had friends of the ministry who have made available to us a matching gift that we are hoping to take full advantage of. In fact, in the last week, that matching gift has expanded. There is now $2.7 million in that matching gift fund. And so for us to take advantage of what's in the fund, we need Family Life Today listeners to be as generous as you can possibly be. Your donation, whatever it is, will release the equal amount from the matching gift fund, so your donation is matched dollar for dollar. And we'll send you a couple of thank-you gifts for Christmas.

Well, you won't get them in time for Christmas, but you get the idea. We'll send you a copy of my book, Love Like You Mean It, that talks about what the Bible tells us about what real love looks like in a marriage relationship. And we'll send you a flash drive that includes more than 100 of the best Family Life Today podcasts and radio programs from the past 28 years, programs on marriage and parenting, guests we've had through the years, Dennis and Barbara Rainey, Dave and Ann Wilson, all of it on one flash drive. Both of these resources are our thank-you gift when you make a donation today.

And again, you can do that online at familylifetoday.com or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to make a year-end donation. And we hope you can join us again tomorrow when we've got a special early Christmas present for you, an in-house concert and conversation with singer-songwriter, worship leader, Laura Storey. She joins us tomorrow, and we hope you can join us to be back for that. I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Bob Lapeen. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life of Little Rock, Arkansas. A crew ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.