Part of our assignment as parents is to understand who our children are, who are the unique people God made them to be. Brandon Miller says one of the ways he and his wife do that is by paying attention to what his children do well and the things they enjoy doing. We started to incorporate this simple question every day, and we started to look for, what do we see and hear when we hear their response? And it's, what did you do today that made you feel strong? Because the thing is that as parents, I can notice where a child performs well, but I don't know if it gave them energy. I don't know if it's going to be so much of an enjoyment.
They'll push through opposition to keep doing it. This is Family Life Today. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. I'm Bob Lapine.
You'll find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. Are you raising your children to be the people God created them to be? Or are you trying to make them into the people you want them to be? It's an important question to answer, right? We'll talk more about it today. And welcome to Family Life Today.
Thanks for joining us. You guys know when we were working on the video series for The Art of Parenting that accompanies the book that Dennis and Barbara Rainey wrote on that subject, one of the themes we talked about is that parents need to be careful not to try to force a child into a predetermined mold. But we need to be figuring out who is this child and how do we point them in the direction God wants to point them? I wish I would have known that back when we started our parenting days because I was trying to squeeze our oldest son into a mold and it wasn't working. I think every parent is longing for the recipe for perfect kids. And they think, give me the recipe, I will bake it to perfection because I want perfect kids. And then we realize, oh, they are unique individuals.
And part of the mystery of parenting is figuring out who is this child and how do I steward who this child is? One of our historic moments in parenting was when my oldest son, CJ, he's, you know, from day one, you can see his strength was analytical, thinker. Which, by the way, Dave and I were both athletes, so everyone was saying, you guys are going to have the most athletic kids in the world.
It's going to be amazing. And we're thinking, yes, we are. And so number one, you know, comes out and he's athletic, but he's very, you can see there's this gift. And he must be three.
Yeah. And he's staring at my forehead. And, you know, I knew enough then and he's thinking. He isn't just staring. There's something going on in that little brain of his and it's probably deep. And here's what he says.
He goes, hey, Dad, how old were you when your head started sucking your hair back in? That's what he said. I'm like, only a thinker would think like that.
You know, I wish I could have replaced that, but it never came back. Well, we're going to try to help moms and dads this week think about the art of parenting and the need to understand who your kids are and understand how to parent them. It's Proverbs 22, 6 that says train up a child in the way he should go. And we think that means according to some. The Bible. Some prescription.
It means according to their bent. We've got some friends here to help us work through this. Annalyn and Brandon Miller, welcome to Family Life Today, guys. Thank you so much for having us.
Annalyn and Brandon live in Sacramento, California, and are the parents of, are you ready? Seven kids. Yes, sir. You guys are young, too.
When you start young enough, you can do it. Three of your kids are now grown and married. That's right. And you still have four at home?
We do. So you're still in the middle of this. You've written a book called Play to Their Strengths, and it's about what we've been talking about here, that there's no formula for raising kids.
That's right. When did you realize that? So I'd say about 12 years ago, I was already introduced to this idea of thinking differently about human development in general.
Yeah, tell everybody what you do. Yeah, so professionally I work with organizations. We help develop great places to work by shifting an approach to what we call strengths-based development. So thinking more about how to develop a person's natural abilities, play to where their natural momentum is, and then build an overall better workplace that way.
You use a tool called Strength Finders? We do. Many of our listeners have probably heard of that, because churches have used this as well. Very much. And our main objective is to help people who are bosses be the best boss they can be. And what we drew the connection to is, you know, there's not that much difference to being a people manager and a parent. There are just older versions of those people you're trying to parent at home. And this was 12 years ago that this finally dawned on you?
Yeah, it took a little while. And so the story about sports, so I'm a big football player and had aspirations to take that far. So when kids came along, I thought, here it is, I have a boy. We're going to form him and mold him into the best football player he could be. And so he waited up until his freshman year to say, Dad, I want to play on the ball team. And I said, all right, what do you think about me coaching? He said, sure.
So the high school allowed me to come on. And all the summer long, I am in my mind preparing him for glory. You know, all the things he needed to do and be. And so on the first day of practice, as we're making our way to the school, I'm giving him a speech or some kind of motivational talk around, here's what you're going to do to be awesome, son. Here's how it's all going to go down. And I'm probably halfway through the talk and my son leans over.
This is a 14-year-old boy with his dad. Puts his hand on my shoulder and he goes, hey, Dad, I just need you to know I'm not like you and I'm not going to play football the same way that you did. Oh. It hit him like a ton of bricks. Yeah, it's that moment of, I think you said more than what you just said. I think there was more to this.
Yeah, right. And it brought me back to this memory. I was in a child dedication and Proverbs 22, 6 was what was said. And the minister at the time was saying, you're raising this child in the way this child is designed by God to go.
Not just how you think or even just good biblical principles because all those are good and right. But this child has a nature. And so for us, I think it really caused us to reframe how we would look at our kids. And we were just entering that phase with our three oldest where the teenagers were upon us.
They were naturally starting to create distance, which will happen. And, you know, I would say fairly, we were desperate. You know, when you step back and, I mean, you sit here and you go, oh, you just played to their strengths. But as a parent, when you see that they're different than maybe you thought or what you were hoping for, was it easy or was it hard?
No, it was incredibly difficult because on one hand, all of us have a natural negativity bias. And it protects us. So we first threat assess, and that carries over into development. So when we look at a child's report card or we think about their assets or deficiencies, we're drawn to fix what's wrong to try to build something strong. And over time, that teaches the child, well, my pathway to success is through fixing my weaknesses. But then come the biases as a parent, who I want you to be, who I see. And that's very hard to let go of because as a parent, you know, most of us are well-meaning.
We want what's best for our kid. And so we start to say things like, well, if I were you, I would do it this way. There's a problem with that, as my 14-year-old in his brilliant said, I'm not like you. I can't do it your way.
I won't be who you are. Kudos to him to be able to say that at 14. Yeah, for sure.
And it says about his relationship with you that he'd feel the freedom to say that. Yeah, and I'll tell you this, in our parenting, we struggled between each other raising our kids, the same one that looked at my head, the thinker, he's playing basketball at what, eight years old. I'm the coach. We're 0 and 12. We don't win a game because it's all the kids. It's not the coach ever. But we're terrible. And, you know, I'm coaching.
And this son is super laid back where I am intensity out the door. You know, I'm like, come on. So I'm yelling, come on, come on. Come on.
I'm that mom. And so I'm yelling and all the kids go to the end of the basket and they're shooting baskets. Our son stops in the middle of the court and he's just staring at the scoreboard. This is one of the games going back and forth to both ends of the court. So the game's going on full court. He's standing in the middle while the game goes by and he's just staring at the scoreboard. And I'm saying, CJ, CJ, come on. Pay attention. I'm the, you know, the coach looking at this parent in the stands like, who is this lady?
It's my wife. You know, she's yelling, CJ. And I call time out because I know, I know what's going on. I call time out and all the kids come over and I go, hey, CJ, what are you doing there in the middle of the court? He goes, dad, so how do the lights work? It's connected to the board over there and they hit these and it goes up on the scoreboard.
I go, I have no idea, but I guarantee you're going to find out. And it was just, that's his bet. He is today a 33 year old, just genius technical guy. Wonderful. But it was a struggle.
We get in the car to drive home. She's like, he should be doing this. And I'm like, I don't think that's who he is. And we had to learn what you're talking about.
So how does a parent make that adjustment? We can relate to that because Lance was the kid that when you gave him a toy, he found more pleasure in tearing it apart than he did playing with it. Yes. So I was constantly watching him to make sure I didn't kill him during the day. You know, what devices did we give him that he may take apart, put together and literally, you know. And plug it into the light socket. He would do stuff like that. So they are very similar.
Yes. He was very curious. And so even in high school thinking about who he would become, this is our son that ended up forgoing college. He was two years in and decided, nah, I don't want to have all that debt. I'm going to go into an apprenticeship and become an electrician. And when he brought it home, we both said, well, that just makes a ton of sense because this is who you are. But what was ironic is in my early 20s, as we were figuring life out as a young married couple, I entered into an electrical apprenticeship. I thought, well, let me try this out.
I need to make ends meet. And about a year into it, we figured out that either I was going to die or someone else was going to die in my presence because I was so incapable of getting two things to meet together. And then I realized this is basically fire in a wire.
So if I touch the wrong thing, this will be bad. And so for my son to actually choose that profession and be very successful in it was just underscoring. We need to be clear that these kids have a God design and there's amazing qualities within each one. And let's find out who they are to help them become who they're intended to be. So the question is how? How does a parent discover who their child is?
How do we play to their strengths? You know, in our book, one of the scriptures that we talk about is our children literally being knit together in our mother's wombs, Psalm 139. And when you think of that and you realize that there are so many facets to them. There are so many things to discover about them. And so we have a whole section that talks about being in discovery mode constantly.
And that one, it starts with a fascination with them and going back to that place. And we discuss how when you bring home a newborn, you are literally fascinated with God's workmanship. I mean, astounded, you know, that you've created this other human. And just real life happens. And by the time they're toddlers, you know, you're not quite so fascinated anymore. You just want them to obey and, you know.
And so we get out of that phase. And so what we desired through this book was to bring parents back there and to be in a constant state of fascination. Our kids are literally just unraveling who they are before your eyes. And as parents, we're the ones to help steward that in their lives. And it can only be from, you know, us watching them, asking great questions, being in a place where, you know, Brandon has a question.
He asks our kids every day. I'll let you talk about that. But what makes you feel strong, you know, and really being a student of your child. It's a whole different outlook, which it does take time. It takes a lot of energy, you know. We're not going to lie. It's not easy. Especially when you have seven.
Right. So that's seven opportunities to get it wrong a lot of times. And seven opportunities to find those nuggets that really hold in your heart, there's my kid. Because that question she's describing, so our youngest boys are 12 and nine, and they're our bonus kids.
We thought at five we were done. Four daughters, one son. So to have two boys at the end was really a blessing for Dad, I'll just be honest. That was very exciting. But we started to incorporate this simple question every day, and we started to look for what do we see and hear when we hear their response.
And it's what did you do today, David, that made you feel strong? Because the thing is that as parents I can notice where a child performs well, but I don't know if it gave them energy. I don't know if it's something they're going to look forward to doing again.
I don't know if it's going to be so much of an enjoyment. They'll push through opposition to keep doing it. And that's what you mean by feel strong. That's right.
What makes you feel strong. Or like you said in the book, their eyes light up. That's right.
Yes. So we're looking for clues, and I think for us that transition really helped us with the discovery process. What is it that we're seeing? What are we hearing?
And then when we play to that strength that we think we're seeing, do we see further evidence of where it's going? Give us a conversation at the table. Oh, sure. So with our two boys, David is our very academic child, and he loves to serve others. So about every day he's going to tell us about some academic accomplishment and or he will tell us about a place where he was able to serve on the leadership team in his elementary school. And so now we encourage him to look for places to do that more. We're saying, David, these are areas where you're very strong.
Let's continue to build on that. And then David takes that cue and he'll tell us more about where that's going. His little brother, conversely, is very athletic.
So this is out of seven. I think we'd both agree he's probably our most athletic child. So Daniel is going to tell us almost every day about the kid he juked out of his shoes or the touchdown pass at recess. It's a very different conversation. And so with him, we realize he loves to perform.
He loves, he's so energetic. And so we look to build on that knowledge and see where that takes them, which inevitably leads to the conversation of what they're not strong in. Yeah, and I was going to ask about that, because a part of being a mom and a dad is correction. I mean, that's what 2 Timothy 3 says, that we have to train and correct and reprove and do all this with our kids. So playing to their strengths does not mean ignoring their weaknesses, does it?
Absolutely not. No, because we subscribe to authoritative parenting as a style, which is high warmth and high control. Okay. If I were to talk about my previous parenting style, it would be authoritarian, high control, low warmth.
And I know what you're talking about. And so let me just, for listeners, let me see if I can help with this. There are two questions every child is asking, and the two questions are, do you love me and can I do what I want? And how you answer those questions determines what kind of parent you are. So as an authoritarian parent, you are saying, no, you can't do what you want, and you're going to wonder whether I love you at times. That's right. As an authoritative parent, you're saying, yes, I love you, and no, you can't do what you want. That's right. And that's really the sweet spot for parenting. It is, because the third wheel to that goes in permissive. Yeah.
So high warmth and you get to do what you want, because I'm going to be kept in fun. Right. And I'm going to enjoy that place. There is a requirement that our kids' greatest strengths have alter egos. So the places where they're going to be at their best means that's where they're going to probably get into mischief. It's probably going to be where there's going to be an error. So my Energizer little boy, Daniel, is probably going to talk too much in school.
He's probably going to talk back to us in the home, and he's good for that, multiple times a week. So then the correction is, all right, let me help you become a better version of that. Now, at the same time, Daniel isn't as strong academically as his older brother.
In fact, that's his area of challenge. But the trap of parenting, and we talked to lots of parents in this regard, is they'll put more effort into remediating the academics than into adjusting who that kid is in their best areas where they really are strong. And therefore, you start to see a shift in that light in the child's eyes and the way that kid will relate to their parents. But you've got parents listening to this right now going, look, if my kid's not doing well in school, we're talking about the rest of their lives, we're talking about the college scholarship, I've got to fix this. So I'm supposed to just back off and say play sports because you're good at that? So the pathway to a child's success may or may not involve them being successful in college, may or may not involve them following the ideal path that we think.
This is with our oldest son, right? Second year in college coming home saying, no, actually, I'm going to go into an apprenticeship. Which looking back as he's getting ready to graduate five years later, he owns a home, he's married, his two sons, highly responsible, and oh, by the way, makes more than most kids coming out of college right now. Without the debt.
I think he makes more on the weekends from side work than he does in the actual job because there are so few electricians in our region. And so we have to realize that that dream we have in our mind of these well-rounded kids that are going to be successful if they follow this path may not be the Proverbs 22.6 model that we're looking at. It's not a bad model to want the kid to get the scholarship and have the degree and all these pathways, but maybe there's more to the story. Now how do you help the parents that, and there's a lot of them, because I'm a high school football coach, I did middle school basketball, and every season multiple parents would be so mad at us as coaches because we're not playing their kid. And we're with them and we're on practice field, they're not, and they're not athletes. That's not their gift, and it doesn't mean anything less about them, but their parents think this is the way they want it to be. And they look at us like we're crazy when we say, hey, the reason he's not on the field, he's not good enough.
You have no idea. I'm like, well, actually we're with them for hours every day, and we would love him to be on the field, but he isn't. I know you talk about the frustration in that one chapter about going from frustration to fascination.
They are only frustrated. They cannot be fascinated with another gift, so how do you negotiate that? I think the reality of parenting is that we can lose objectivity very easily and be highly subjective in who we see our kids to be even if they aren't today. And so when we talk about spotting strengths in a child, we talk about looking for signs. We call them the five E's. And one of the five E's is excellence, and we say that it requires third-party validation and, oh, by the way, parent, you aren't that third-party. Oh, that's good. Let's let someone else tell you that your child is awesome.
Maybe that's not you because I coached athletics as well, and I'd have parents come and say the same thing, and I'd have to respond, but your child isn't very good at this. They're very good at picking flowers. They're very good at making friends. Looking at the scoreboard. They're amazing at just forming relationships. I think your child has some incredible talents.
I don't think it's soccer. You're being Simon Cowell on American Idol. That's what you're being. As kind as you can in recreation sports, right. You're trying to be as kind as you can, but the reality is, is as parents, we're invited, especially when we think of the way God uniquely designs every person for His ultimate plan.
As parents, and we talk about this in the book, our alignment with the Lord is to really gain what is it that you see here, and what am I doing to further the mission this child was created for? Hey, talk about the five E's. You mentioned one of them, but these are five E's of strength identification. What are they? Yeah, so what we like to say with the five E's is that even if you don't use a personality test, and we do have a couple in the book, and there are many out there, these are ways that you could spot strengths in your kids.
So, the first one is enthusiasm. What do you watch your children drawn to? Where do their eyes light up? Where do you seem to notice they will make time, whether you want them to or not, to do these things? Because they're going to make room. So, as soon as you said that, a bunch of parents just said, video games.
That's a terrible strength. Like my kid, all he wants to do is play video games. And then you start to ask, why? What is it about the game? What are they drawn to? What is it about the problem solving, or the graphics, or the community they might be in that's drawing them to that activity? Because it's a great example today that kids can be drawn into that, and I think there needs to be measure in how that goes. But the second one is really interesting to watch and see, and it's easy. What do they seem to pick up naturally?
What do they seem just to step into? Yeah. And so, our now 15-year-old daughter, when she was 12, this is Madeline, she would go into the kitchen and she would just start putting ingredients together to bake things. And the ultimate test of a good baker is, do you like what they bake? And for her, it was clear, wouldn't you say? It was. And we bring up that example because Madeline took it upon herself one night to make cream puffs from scratch.
Oh, boy. So, I come home and she literally delivers a plate of cream puffs that look like they were bought from the store. Really?
She looked it all up, you had to boil the water before you mixed it with the flour to get the right consistency. Cream puffs are not easy to master. No. Especially the first time. Yeah, I've never been able to master it, you know?
It's just amazing. I've never even tried. Neither has he.
Neither have I. So, that second one becomes a clear signal, so our second daughter, Sierra, when she was in school, and this is where your teachers and coaches and pastors and mentors all help you as a parent see what's best in your kid, she was in an English class and the teacher noticed she had a wonderful skill to present publicly. And she encouraged her to enter Poetry Out Loud contests, which to our daughter, the opportunity to speak in front of people was easy.
I don't think she's ever felt nervous in her life getting up in front of a room. And so we would notice that. So then that leads to the third excellence, third party validated, and we like to call that above standard. So this is sustained excellence.
This isn't just you did it once, this is multiple times standout ability, which then goes to the kicker. It's energy. What is it that once they've completed it, they seem more energized than when they started?
Because if a strength gives energy, a weakness simply depletes it. And when a child is doing something that they're working against themselves, you have two options to explore. One, is this a potential strength they could grow into with gentle instruction and encouragement? Or two, is this potentially an area that you might call a learned behavior?
I need them to learn the subject so they have options for school, but they might not want to continue this subject after school. And learned behaviors are valuable because in every job, there will be a part of the job that you must learn to complete the job that won't match your strengths. But knowing the difference between what energizes you and not, that's self-reported.
You can't tell someone that's what it is. We have parents tell us that they've invested in their children playing competitive athletics, which we know today is a fortune. It's a fortune. Time and money, it's a fortune to do it. Only to have their kids announce ten years later, I'm done and I'll never play again.
I'm done. And certainly there are lessons along the way, but we ask, well where could that have investment gone? Where was the energy that kid might have had in that experience?
So the fifth is the fun one, it's enjoyment. And this is where they enjoy something so much that even when it's hard, you will find them continuing to press through. So this is the test of resilience, which we believe every parent has an opportunity. And I would say a responsibility to teach our children not to give up when it gets hard.
You just stand to reason they have much more ability to do it when they're in an area of strength. These five factors are really what's at the heart of your book, Play to Their Strengths, and it helps parents have a framework to work through so that you can be thinking, okay, am I trying to mold my child into some preset mold that isn't who they are? Or am I understanding who my child is and helping to fertilize that? So that they can be the best them, the person God created them to be. I always come back here to Ephesians 2 10, which says, Your child is God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand for your child to walk in them.
So as parents, your job is to figure out what are the good works that God prepared beforehand for my child to walk in, and how do I help get them ready for that path? And that's the strength of the book that you've written, Play to Their Strengths, which I want to encourage our listeners. Get a copy of this book, read it together as parents, and talk about how you can start implementing some of these ideas, these strategies in your home, how you can bring out the best in your child. Go to familylifetoday.com to order a copy of the book, Play to Their Strengths, by our guests today, Annalyn and Brandon Miller. You can order it from us online at familylifetoday.com, or call to order 1-800-FL-TODAY is the number. Again, our website is familylifetoday.com, or you can call to order the book, Play to Their Strengths.
The number is 1-800-358-6329, that's 1-800-F as in Family, L as in Life, and then the word TODAY. Now, we need to say a quick thank you to those of you who, over the last several weeks, have responded to the Matching Gift Challenge that was in front of us here at Family Life during the month of May. We had some donors who came to us and agreed that they would match every donation we received in May, dollar for dollar, up to a total of $345,000. We're still checking all of the final numbers to see if we actually were able to take full advantage of that matching gift, but we want to say thank you to those of you who donated, and to those of you who joined us as new legacy partners, monthly legacy partners. Thank you for standing with us, not just in what are challenging times for all of us, but standing with us month in and month out, so that the practical, biblical help and hope we provide here on Family Life today is available for couples all around the world throughout the year. We're grateful for the partnership, and on behalf of those who will benefit from your investment, and there are many of them, thank you for standing alongside us here at Family Life. We appreciate you.
Now, tomorrow, we want to talk about how, as parents, we can fertilize the parts of our children that are growing, that are strong, the areas that are thriving, and how not to focus so much on trying to fix their weaknesses. Brandon and Annalyn Miller will be back with us again tomorrow. Hope you can be back here as well. I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Bob Lapine. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life of Little Rock, Arkansas, a crew ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.
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