Practical Ways to Celebrate Your Marriage

If Christ is in you and Christ is in your spouse, the way you speak to your spouse is the way you speak to Christ. And that is mind blowing.

And I never really comprehended that until I realized that Jesus is living in her. Well, that's Jay and Laura Lafoon sharing ways that you can find more joy in your marriage. Thanks for joining us for Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.

I'm John Fuller. You know, John, we often talk about overcoming challenges in our marriages. It's pretty typical here at Focus on the Family, but marriage can be fun too.

That is the goal. And I want to encourage you to not let the busyness of life kind of stop you from finding moments of joy that is part of what marriage should be about. Jean and I love to laugh. I feel closest to Jean when she is laughing.

I mean, humor is my thing. And so when she's laughing, I know we're in a good place. But today we want to talk about some practical, realistic tips to build a marriage that doesn't just survive but thrives. And that's a good thing. Has joyful moments. And Jay and Laura Lafoon are self-described marriage edutainers or something like that.

You'll have to tell us more. They entertain and educate couples to strengthen marriage. And they have a devotional book that we're talking about. It's called Celebrate Your Marriage, 365 Daily Devotions for Busy Couples. Find out about our guests and this great resource.

We've got details in the show notes. Jay and Laura, welcome back to Focus on the Family. Great to be here. It's been a while.

It has. I think 08. We took a look at the records and saw that you were here in 08. Yes. So it's good to have you back.

Let's start with the basics. How long have you two been married? Well, coming up this December, it'll be 40 years.

All right. That's a big milestone. It is a big milestone.

Not quite the big 5-0. We were set up on a blind date. I'm not that old, so I don't know why it's 40. Set up on a blind date? Yes. That was my wife's greatest fear. And we were a blind date. Were you really?

That's funny. Well, the next morning she told her mom she was going to marry me. Really?

And 10 days later I asked her. Wow. Yeah. Okay.

That's a little fast. Most everybody went, okay, that couldn't have been right. And the strange part, we were living in Atlanta, Georgia at the time, two million people, and Laura managed for her path and my path to cross eight of those 10 days.

And I didn't know it then, but we have a word for that now. It's called stalking. And so, boy, he's really painting a picture. Let me ask this counseling question. Do you agree with his representation?

I don't like that word stalking, but yeah, sure. I did manage to make it all happen. Yes, that's right.

She orchestrated it, that's for sure. Okay. So this is in jest. So how many of those years were happy years? No, I'm kidding.

No, it's been amazing. We do like to laugh. That's one of the things that brought us together. But let me ask about that. Does temperament play a role in that? I'm serious. I'm thinking, and again, not to stereotype, but the engineer, the accountant, people that, laughter, they do think frivolity isn't as healthy as being serious and solving a problem.

So does temperament play into this? Absolutely. Because we run into couples all the time. Because we are, I mean, our ministry is called Celebrate Ministries. Our conferences are called Celebrate Your Marriage. So we're all about the celebration. And we run into couples all the time who are like, Jay and Laura, you guys just seem to be naturally funny.

What can we do? I mean, we're not funny people. So how can we bring joy? And that is one of the things that we really pound into them, for lack of a better word, is find some things that you enjoy. It doesn't mean you have to laugh all the time. It doesn't have to mean you tell silly dad jokes. And I think when you're enjoying each other, the laughter is going to come naturally. So for those people who may say, you know, we're not funny people, you know, I think that's just frivolous.

Well, then find things that you enjoy doing together, then the joy will come. We were doing a seminar in West Michigan. And for those of the people that don't know, West Michigan is very Dutch and very reserved.

Yes, Holland, Grand Rapids. Yeah. You know, it was just like, no one was laughing. And that's fine. But afterward, we had couple after couple say, that was the funniest thing we've ever experienced.

But you never heard it. No. And so, you know, those different personality temperaments, it's fine. And, and we get it. But Scripture is clear. The joy of the Lord is my strength.

So, however, you need to work in joy into your life. Let's do that. Okay, we've covered that one. I think we've got it. Laura, what are some other things?

This could be the end of the program, just five minutes in. What does it take to have a happy marriage beyond the humor and seeking those fun times? Well, I think it takes intentionality. It takes time.

It takes honoring each other, respecting each other. Patience. Patience. I don't like to say that word, because then you get tested on patience.

I grew up here. Don't say patience. Don't pray for patience.

So the Lord still may be polishing your patience a little? Exactly. But I think being intentional about enjoying each other. We tell couples all the time, one of our big, practical tools that we try and get people to build into their daily life is 15 minutes of uninterrupted conversation. You know, if you have young children, putting them in front of a TV show for 15 minutes isn't going to hurt them. 15 hours might be a good one.

That would be different. Or wait till they go to bed or do it before they wake up. But having that constant, uninterrupted conversation with each other really helps with the joy, with the laughter, with the communication. During the hard times. Yeah, with all of the things that life seems to throw at your marriage. When you can take that 15 minutes every day and say, hey, how was your day? Catching up with each other, having that time with each other. Lord, let me ask you this as the wife.

Sometimes I have the impression that wives are looking for the big moment. And that's what makes a difference, something profound. And, you know, Gene and I will often have a conversation about the many little things that are getting done here, like getting up together, praying together in the morning, spending morning time together.

Gene and I have really through COVID, COVID with all of its negative and downside, the positive for us was we did spend mornings connecting with each other because I didn't have to rush off to meetings. But speak to that, the diligence of doing so many little things well versus, you know, the once in a while big thing being done well. And what do you think is most important?

What should we be concentrating on? You know, I think I think you're right that most women look for those big moments. They're looking for their husband to make this big grand gesture. The two dozen red roses, boom, two, three. Okay, sorry. Holy, holy, holy. And I always tell women, it's not rocket science. And you shouldn't be looking for those. Look for those little things every day that he does that tells you that you are the most important person in his life.

I'll give you this example. We are coffee drinkers. And so when we get up in the morning, we both I mean, it's like you just gravitate to the coffee. I can't do anything else without the coffee. But when our kids were in the house, and I was up first getting the children up, I would come downstairs, get everything ready, I'd have my first cup of coffee. By the time Jay got downstairs, my coffee cup was empty. Because she told me to stay in bed and make sure the kids got dressed and But what he would do, it would have been very easy, very natural, very human for him to come downstairs, go right to the kitchen, fill up his coffee cup, and then come in and get my empty one.

But he every morning got up, came downstairs, would get my empty cup, fill it up, then go back and get his second cup of coffee. Again, that's not rocket science. But that is kind of what I'm talking about. But it's a little thing. Yeah, it's those it's those little things. I don't fill my own gas tank. That's not Hey, hey, wait a minute.

I'm not around you. It's just those little things that you need to look for that your husband does that says he loves you. I was challenged by a good friend to every two or three years introduce something new into the relationship that is subtle, but important. And for 25, 30 years of our life, Laura made the bed in the morning. And I thought, I'll start making the bed. Wouldn't that be a nice little gesture? It's not a big thing.

Well, it depends on how well you make it. Here's the rug. Yeah.

Okay. I was already Because I'm like, throw the covers together. You know, I was informed that I was doing the pillows wrong. Yeah.

And I'm like, well, if we didn't have 18 pillows. Put the open side to the outside, right? They go to the inside. The open end, you put it to the inside. One of the things we always do at our conferences.

At least we're all clear and we know how. Which way do you put toilet paper in the room? It's got to come over the top. Over the top. Over the top.

You are well trained. And the real monsters in the room are the ones that just put it on the sink. That's what a four-year-old does. Exactly. Speak to the importance of date night. That's something, you know, Greg and Aaron Smalley here, they run our marriage area and do a fantastic job with that. But that's something they really concentrate on and repeat over and over the importance of spending regular time together, whether that's a weekly date night, whatever it might be.

I think for Jean and I, that's been hard to do because we're on the move so much. And so much of what we do is fun. I mean, we're with donors, we're out doing things with people that are very interesting. But it's not a date night. And it's hard for me to confess. I mean, it's hard for me to have that discipline.

But it's really important. We were doing, we have a part of our program is called the ultimate date night. We travel to churches and do a 90 minutes of music, comedy, and biblical truth. And we were in some small town in Ohio. And this elderly gentleman came up to me and he said, remind the youngsters, what you did to get her is what you need to do to keep her. Well, what'd you do to get her? Yeah. You took her on dates. Talk, talk, talk.

Yeah. You made her feel, you made her feel special. And that dating every day, not every day, every week, hopefully, if not every month, is something that reinforces, no, you are my commitment.

You are important to me. One of the times we always try and give our couples a challenge at our conferences. And one year we did a little challenge coin that said the words just because on it. And the concept was, I'm going to do something for Laura just because.

No other expectations. And then I give her the coin and then same back and forth. And sometimes a little surprise date is one of those just because moments where, you know, honey, guess what? I've cleared your schedule.

I've cleared my schedule and we're going to go for the afternoon antiquing or whatever it is that she might want to do. Oh, man. Yeah. Sorry.

What a sacrifice. I do think though, lots of couples, what do we do for a date? I mean, how many times can you go to dinner and a movie?

How many times? So I think just being creative and one, again, one of the things we encourage couples to do is sit down and make a list of the things that you would like to do on a date and then have your wife, Jean, make a list of what she would like to do on a date. Then you look at those and you combine them the best you can and take it right then and put it on the calendar. And taking is fun, actually. Yeah. I was playing around with that, but for some shopping. Yeah. Oh my.

Now I did learn a little secret. See, so I am a hunter when I shop. I do not like lingering. I like to go, you know, boom, get the animal and get out of there. So Jean and I were up in a ski resort here in Colorado and she wanted to do a little shopping and so I went ahead of her.

First time I ever did this. I went ahead of her and worked it out with the salesperson. I said, put these four things out. I actually know her colors pretty well. So I put like four or five outfits out in the store next to the store she was in. Then I went down like four rows of stores and did this.

And these people are like, this is pretty. And she came through and she actually ended up buying a lot of what I picked. It's not everything. So it was an expensive demonstration. Yeah. Now my learning is to reduce the number of stores that I do to just maybe two or three, not like four or five. But what was the price? No, it was good though.

And it made it actually, it made it a little faster, which was my ultimate goal. I do not want to be in the store for too long. I can always tell if a woman's clothing store understands it because if they understand it, they've got chairs for men to sit in. Yeah.

You know, real comfortable chairs with some magazines. They're ridiculous. Let me ask you, probably the most common thing we get, that's a little dangerous to say because everybody's living a different experience, but a common issue is busyness. I mean, a lot of households now, both husband and wife are working, those with kids. I mean, the pressures are immense. The good news is just hang in.

It's not going to last forever and it's going to be really rewarding at the end, in my opinion. But that is the big issue, busyness in life. And you know what? If you knew our schedule, we can't do a date night. You don't know how busy we are.

Work, work, work, work, work, the kids, school, sports clubs. There's no time for us. What do you say? One of the things, and I don't think this is necessarily biblical, but I think we can all understand that Satan doesn't want us bad. He wants us busy.

Yeah, that's true. Because when we're bad, we know we're doing something against the Lord's will. But oftentimes when we're busy, well, Lord, I'm doing this for my wife. I'm doing this for my family. I'm doing this for the church.

I'm doing it for the community. And we don't realize that every time we say yes to something, we're also saying no to something else. Speak to this issue of the balance of work and home life. And again, so often this is out of kilter.

You know, it's not healthy. People must struggle to believe they can have both. I mean, I think the Lord will honor you with a solid eight, nine hours committed to work. If you work hard, you know, dilly dally, and you do the job well, you should be able to get home. And if your employer says, hey, I'm a little worried you're not staying late, tell them, hey, I got a priority.

It's called my family. Exactly. And I think I know we said these words in our wedding vows, and I'm not sure in the traditional vows, you say a phrase similar to forsaking all others, I thee wed. And we say that and we think forsaking all others. That means I'm not going to have an affair.

I'm not going to, you know, get involved in pornography. But others can be your work, your children, schedules, wanting to make a lot of money, volunteer. Others is anything that takes you away from this relationship. I mean, the first most important relationship decision you ever make in your life is whether you're going to follow Jesus.

The second is who you're going to marry. And there's no other book in the Bible. You know, there's not a book in the Bible dedicated to money.

There's not a book of the Bible dedicated to volunteerism or your work. But there is a book, Song of Songs, dedicated to marriage and the love story between a man and a woman. And when you take that relationship, and as we all do, my kids, you know, I've got kids in the house, they've got to come. My husband can take care of himself.

He doesn't need me to do this, that or the other. Or we allow work to take over. We're really negating that second most important relationship in our life. And it's really, it is hard.

It's hard to say. I mean, we work together. We do everything together.

That's what I prayed for years ago. That's why you're here today. We want to help you with that. And it's hard to say, you know what, let's close the office door. And let's go out to lunch and not talk about the ministry or what's coming. It is, it's a discipline.

That's the intentionality. And I think to get a work-life balance, you have to be intent and you have to communicate about it. Let me ask you this. What's a destination mentality and how does that affect couples? People think if we just get this, or if we accomplish this, or when we get there, there is no there there.

Because for humans, we're intrinsically desired to want more. And so to enjoy the journey, even when you're walking through the desert, realizing if in fact, God is in control, then God is in control. Lord and I were privileged to be speaking at a music festival and Steven Curtis Chapman was on right before us.

Wonderful friend. And it was the first concert he did after losing his child. And he said, he sang the song, he gives and takes away. He gives and takes away.

He gives and takes away, my heart will still say, blessed be the Lord. And he said, if I can't sing that in the midst of what I've just gone through, then I can't sing that when things are going great. And so instead of saying, when we get here, saying, as we go, and again, being of a certain age, you realize that there really are seasons. And when you're 30 and don't, haven't experienced a lot of seasons in your life, and it's really hard, you just got to know and take it from those of us that have been there, this too will pass.

You know, it really will. I think a lot of couples, especially younger couples, when we get our first job, and we're secure in that, we'll work on that for like maybe seven or eight years, then we'll have children. And then when we've had two or three kids, and as they've grown up, then we'll do this. And we look for these milestones in life. And when they don't happen, then the expectation is now what do we do? And so instead of working, working towards those destinations, so to speak, when we get to this, when we get to that, when we make this amount of money, then we'll do this. You're not allowing the Lord to kind of direct what He has for you, and where He wants your marriage and your family to go. What I put in the microwave, He takes out and puts in the crock pot.

That's a good analogy. Couples can tend to fall into patterns of criticizing each other. I mean, we call it pushing your buttons or, you know, and that's at Hope Restored, which is our marriage intensive, that's a lot of what the counseling is, is how to reorient couples on how to communicate with each other to be more effective and get a better outcome, rather than just pushing a button and going, wow, I'm so, you know, it's such a deception. I irritated her so much.

I don't think she loves me anymore. I mean, that's not the goal. Right. Well, we are really good at – Jay's love language, his primary love language is words of affirmation. Oh, that's good. And my spiritual gift is sarcasm. So we have to really work – Your love language is sarcasm? Yeah, so we have to really work – I have to really work at my words and what I say and how I say it, because we can – not meaning to – I see it as humor. I think I'm funny, and I am a lot of the time.

I just will let you know that I am funny. But I have to realize what my words come across as. And for me, I'm a type A driven person who has serious tone of voice issues, and I can make Laura feel two inches tall just with my tone of voice. And one of the things that we've come to really try and keep at the forefront of our mind as we're communicating with each other is if Christ is in you and Christ is in your spouse, the way you speak to your spouse is the way you speak to Christ. And that is mind-blowing. And I never really comprehended that until I realized that Jesus is living in her. And when I speak to her in belittling ways, that is not a celebration. Yeah, another great way to think of that is you thought your father-in-law was something.

Well, her dad spiritually is something too. Right, exactly. That's the Lord. That's right. So when you talk to her, that does put a little break on your tongue, hopefully.

Well, hopefully, yes. Well, and the other thing our pastor was just talking about this last weekend was he said this phrase, and I hope I get it right. We've been doing a series on marriage. And he said, inside each and every one of us is royalty and foolishness. And your words will bring out one or the other. So when you're talking to your spouse, the words that you use are going to bring out either the child of God or the foolish sinner.

And I was like, man, I keep getting convicted about that sarcasm. Wow, that's a good parenting expression as well. Because I think that's very true in parenting, maybe even more so. Yeah, exactly.

The more you push, the bigger the expectation, the more you push for perfection. It's likely you're going to get the foolishness because they're rebelling against it. But you mentioned small arguments, Jay, that there was a right and wrong in the way you thought you talked about that black and white thinking. So maybe it was early in your marriage, like you needed to win every argument or what were you expressing? That was actually more Laura than me. Because she's the third of four.

I was trying to give you a softball, buddy. Well, she's the third of four children, so she was rarely right. But okay, so I grew up the son of a minister who was in the military. Okay. So I live with nothing but fear and guilt. And everything was black and white. I mean, and I say this honestly, there was a proper way to fold your underwear. Oh, yeah, I had that step yet.

Yep. And so, you know, to me, everything was black and white. Laura grew up very much in a home where things weren't black and white. They and they weren't gray, like fuzzy, we're going to fray the edges gray. It's just like, there's different perspectives. And I, for the longest time, I couldn't understand that.

No, my perspective is right. You know, I mean, that's the way it was. And until someone said to me, Jay, if you were both the same, one of you wouldn't be necessary. And I was like, hmm.

I actually believe I said it to him. So did you ever ask her about how she folded the underwear? No, I just folded it myself. There's a better way I just did it myself.

Yeah, that's pretty. Yeah, I don't fold. We fold clothes together because he folds his own clothes. I fold my clothes because we do it different.

But yes, it was very much and if you get a lot of laundry, it's a date night. That's a good idea. You know, when you think of what we talked about today, these are kind of the basics.

These are the right things. But it's amazing how the basics slip away or are never put in place. And that's why so many couples struggle because they're not doing these fundamentals.

Like if you're playing a sport like baseball or something, you'd want to do these fundamental, you got to throw the ball, you got to hit the ball. All right, we're both sports fans. And two of our favorite coaches, Vince Lombardi, after they lost the 1960 Super Bowl in the fourth quarter, first day of training camp, classic, he held up a football and he said, gentlemen, this is a football. And until we learned to take care of this, we're not going to be able to do anything else.

And then my favorite coach of all time, John Wooden, the Wizard of Westwood won 10 national championships. The first thing he taught his freshmen, how to tie their shoes, how to tie their shoes. You don't get any more basic than tying shoes, but that's the first thing he taught them.

Because back in the day, if you didn't tie your shoes properly, you got blisters and then you couldn't play. So you're right about the fundamental. We have to remind couples, though, that marriage is hard work. Yes, there's joy. Yes, there's celebration.

But it takes years of hard work before you really become prolific at it. Right. The, you know, a good place to end would be on this idea of encouragement.

So let's go there. Both of you mentioned your thoughts on the importance of encouraging your spouse, one another, from the wife's perspective. So what would you say toward encouragement? You know, I think it's important, I encourage women to, if you could wake up every morning and before your feet hit the floor on the side of your bed, think of one thing positive that you're going to focus on your husband today. Whether it's that he came home early from work, or he picked up his dirty clothes off the floor, or just that he went to work to provide for the family. But whatever it is, find something. Just put that in your mind that you're going to find something today that is positive and you're going to speak it out loud. Because again, when you speak it, the words that you use are going to either bring out the royalty or the foolishness. Yeah.

What do you think, Jay? I would say, gentlemen, use your five senses to say the words, I love you. Say it, let her see it in your actions, let her feel it in your touch, let her smell it in your hygiene, and let her taste it when she kisses you.

Encourage her with your love and use all five senses because she really, she needs that. That's what the word cherish means. That's what the word cherish means. All of this encompassed. Jay and Laura, great insights. Thanks for being with us. Great to be here. This has been so good.

And to the listeners and viewers, I hope that we've encouraged you today. I think it was lighthearted, but had some power punches in there to remind couples on what to concentrate on. You know, the Bible says that married people should be delighted by each other. Now, some couples just heard that and went, really? And others went, yeah.

Rejoice in the wife of your youth. Yeah, and that's the aim. We've got many tools here at Focus on the Family to help you. One is our marriage assessment. I think we've had over 1.1 or 1.2 million people take that assessment. It's free. It'll show you what you're doing well and what you might need to work on a little bit and then attach a lot of resources to get that done. Of course, we've got this great resource here, Celebrate Your Marriage, 365 daily devotions for busy couples.

That's got to be just about everybody. Jean and I started this morning, so we did the date, the proper date. We actually did two, because we liked it so much.

So aren't we high achievers? You are. And so, anyway, if you can make a gift of any amount, we'll send a copy of the devotional as our way of saying thank you for being part of the ministry and helping other couples. Yeah, donate today and help us help couples worldwide to have stronger marriages. You can donate and request that book, Celebrate Your Marriage, when you call 800, the letter A and the word family, 800-232-6459, or stop by the show notes for all the details. Coming up next time, reasons why you should consider homeschooling for your family.

I find that I'm a more relaxed, happy mom when I'm home with my kids all day than I was in that one hour rush to get them out the door to preschool or during the bewitching hour before dinner when they are trying to do homework and I had papers to sign and a lunch to pack. And on behalf of all the team here, thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. marriage.com or wherever you get your podcasts. We can't wait to see you there.