Loyalty in Marriage: When Your Spouse Messes Up

Pastors perform weddings. It's God that does the marriage. Pastors don't join a couple together.

God joins together. Holding a marriage together is not just saying I'll be loyal to you like you're loyal to each other. No, you're loyal to two things.

The vows that you took before God and the God that you took the vows before. That's what you're loyal to. The loyalty to each other is a fruit of that.

It's a result of that. A lot of couples that get married sometimes it concerns me. They don't understand.

You're not just saying words. That's the way I do my wedding. You're taking a sacred vow before God. Till death do you part.

We don't take that seriously much either. Welcome to Family Life Today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson and I'm Dave Wilson and you can find us at familylifetoday.com or on our Family Life app. This is Family Life Today. So you know there's a TV show that every once in a while I'll be flipping around channels and when I get there I sort of stop.

Oh yes I totally know what you're gonna say. NFL football. No. College football. That I would expect. But when I come into the room and I'll say like, wait, you're watching The Bachelor? I have never watched The Bachelor but I've watched minutes of it. Well I haven't watched the season. I can't even tell you a name of a bachelor or a bachelorette.

I don't know. But you get kind of mesmerized by it. I'll be sitting there on the couch I'm flipping around and you know oh there's The Bachelor and I get mesmerized because it's so comical. It's like are you kidding me? Sorry for offending our bachelor fans. I'm sure there's people that love it. I know they have bachelor bachelor parties whatever. All I know is I'm smiling, snickering because like you really think you're gonna pick a future spouse based on how they look, how they date in these exotic places right? Yes and I used to watch it when our boys had their friends, their girlfriends over and it's terrible because they'd say you guys just leave the room. You're wrecking the show for us because we would say things like okay this isn't realistic or this is a terrible plan. They're like you guys you're wrecking it.

Just leave. Because the reason is if I would ask you okay if you're gonna counsel or coach a single person on how to pick a future marriage spouse what would you say number one thing they should be looking for? Character. Yeah and that's why they're smiling.

They're looking at just the outward. Yeah we know that. They're looking at image and you name it but character matters and we've got James Merritt back with us in the studio today. He is a man of character, wrote a book on character, lives a life of character. James welcome back. Good to be back with you.

Just really enjoyed being here. Yeah and your book Character Still Counts and by the way many people know you as author, pastor. I didn't know 15 books. That's that's pretty crazy that you've written that. You have a TV show. Well God's been good. Yeah I mean he's done so many things in your life. Former president of Southern Baptist Convention but probably most important you're a husband, a dad, and a grandfather and that's all about character. Yes it really is.

It's you know the older you get the more you do realize that that you know and again is we were talking about it earlier. It is so important. When I hire staff, when we hire staff I've done this service since I pastored. I tell our staff I said look I want you to have three priorities in this order. Number one is your relationship to God. Number two your relationship to your family and then I always put it this way and a distant third is your relationship to the church. I said because if you're not what you ought to be with God privately and if you're not what you ought to be with God and your family in your home you won't be what I need as a minister. I don't care how good you are at what you do you will not be what I need you to be. You know we've all seen it. I've seen a lot of pastors shipwreck their ministry yeah because they made the ministry their marriage and they made the ministry their wife and they made the ministry their children and you know your first calling is gonna be as a dad and as a husband and if it doesn't work at home it's not gonna work in the church which is you know as even the scripture talks about if you're gonna be a pastor you gotta be able to rule your own household well. Why did Paul say that? Because you know what I'm talking about. You've got to get it done at home.

If you're a Christian and it doesn't work at home don't export it. And I can remember talking to our boys like this is what matters. Character. Kids are like I don't even know what that means.

What's character mean? And you really have walked us through so many of these things that matter but we're living in this culture I think parents listening are like help me with this because my kids all they care about is image. They care about the likes. They care about how many that are watching their YouTube page and so as parents how would you guide them to say okay focus on character instead of reputation or image.

What's your encouragement to them? It's a great question and let me just say before I give my answer to all the parents are out there and having been one I think the job of parenting today is more difficult than it's ever been in the history of our country. When I was my boys growing up I'm sure you guys are the same way social media the phrase didn't even exist. So it was a simpler world you know in some ways than you know there are people today Twitter's their God Instagram's their God.

Their greatest claim to fame is but I have a million followers I have 20 million followers or you know or whatever. So having said that I want to just say before I say anything to you moms and dads out there God bless every one of you it's difficult. Now the good news is it's not impossible it is still possible to raise godly children. I think obviously the first thing you have to do character really is in a sense more caught than it is taught and the most important thing and I know you guys did it but the most important thing a parent can do is like make sure their kids see that their words match their lives. That they don't see one mom and dad on Sunday morning and another mom and dad on Monday morning. Not that we're perfect if my three boys here today they'd be more than happy to tell you all the flaws I had and all the faults I had as a dad and I'd be the first one to own up to them but as a whole all three of my boys would also say my dad lived what he preached. My dad practiced what he preached and in fact Adrian used to say it Dr. Rogers said it this way he said James I don't want to so much practice what I preach I want to preach what I practice and that's kind of been my philosophy like having said that I think the first thing you've got to do is model you've got to model character in your home if you want your kids to read their Bible you better they better know you read yours if you want your kids to all you'll be constantly talking to the Lord they ought to know that you constantly talk to the Lord we've got to as parents not just model it but we've got to begin to inculcate in our children a biblical worldview that's the biggest thing missing in the church the average Christian doesn't think biblically they think kind of like everybody else thinks but when you are steeped in the Word of God and you study the Word of God and you live it then you have this biblical worldview so you would model it second thing is every day teach it here's what I was going to say there's these negative moments you're gonna get them every day where it's a teachable moment for example I told my grandson Harper was talking about it not long ago I am amazed at who will get standing ovations today you know a rock star or Hollywood star this or that or the other it doesn't matter if they live a life of an alley cat you know people I mean oh yeah but this is him and he's cool and he makes this kind of money look you know look high dresses look all the gold he wears around his neck and I'm trying to teach my grandchildren now that forget his reputation or her reputation what is their character I have a saying on my desk I think I put this in the book by Dwight L Moody's on my desk in my office if you will take care of your character God will take care of your reputation young people today more than ever need to hear that and that said it's easy to feel guilty because we all fail no matter how hard you try I guess your boys are like mine but they haven't always done exactly what I would have done and you have to let them make mistakes but at the same time you know when you can look back and say you know Lord I'm not saying I'm perfect I made mistakes and I understand that but I really did the best I could to teach them in the way they should go so that when they get on they won't depart from it I've done the best I know how to do now you turn them over to I turn them over to you that's really all you can do but the first institution God created was the home wasn't the church wasn't the government it was the home God made a clear big statement when he you know when he did that and it's really interesting you think about marriage and family it really is about character I mean everything is and that's what you say in your book character still counts it counts everywhere but think about this I remember when I was a young pastor 30 some years ago I remember thinking man in some professions character doesn't seem to be as important as it would be in ministry it's like it's a character profession then you know what hit me being a husband's a character profession being a dad is a character profession it's all about that so talk about like one of your character traits that you talk about in the book is loyalty talk about loyalty in a marriage loyalty in a marriage to me is not just being loyal to the person it's being loyal to the vows you're talking about watching The Bachelor I've never seen The Bachelor myself either but but if you're a better man than no I'm not I may have watched five minutes of the show but I know enough about the show it is funny it's hilarious it is the exact opposite way y'all go find somebody first of all that's not the way y'all to do it and we as you know it doesn't play out most of the time anyway but but I'll give you if I give a personal illustration I'm married today to the woman I married because of the Lord being in my life my wife was the kind of girl that when I was in high school I thought would never date me I didn't play quarterback like you did and and my wife was a cheerleader in high school she was a cheerleader in college she was a beauty contest winner and she is to me to this day so the most beautiful woman I've ever seen but she was the kind of girl I would say I looked around say I wouldn't have a chance with that girl so long story short she had just come out of a relationship with a guy who played football I've seen his picture he looked like a 6-3 220 Brad Pitt many guy was just you know but he was an atheist didn't believe in God and she knew that was not good for her but you know but they were going together and all I mean they were living pure but they were going together I meet her at Truett McConnell College I was doing a youth camp I was a student pastor and I met her and again I was so shy I just couldn't bring myself to talk to her well one of my students in the youth ministry without letting me know he goes down to check her out says she's going with anybody I didn't know it because Max says hey man she's free and I said you know I just talked to her I said oh Lord so I ran down there look I had nothing to do with it please don't I didn't know he's gonna do it but it by the way would you like to go out after Bible study tonight so we went out that night went to get a nice mr. shy boy didn't have too much shine I'm telling you and I was smitten when she turned around and stood up to help me the first time I laid eyes when I was you know like I was done so took her out that night and we just sat and talked she went the next night I went to her home and picked her up proposed to her that night what second date proposed to her that night I did and it took her she she dated one guy why did she met him that following Friday dated him two weeks every night trying to forget me God wouldn't let her do it she came down to see me unexpectedly with the church where I was just to see me for an hour left call me she got back home told me she loved me she wanted to marry me so we were married five months later been married 45 years but what she'll tell you is this she said you are unlike any other guy I ever dated the first thing I wanted to find out about her day do you know Christ that's the first thing I want to ask her I think how beautiful she was you don't know the Lord we got we're having issue yeah and so she will tell you this day the reason that that I got her thank God was not because of me it was because of the Christ that lives in me I'm living testimony that the happiest marriages are where two people both love Jesus here let me tell you the husband and the wife that love each other the most the wife that loves Jesus more than she loves her husband loves her husband the most and the husband that loves Jesus more than he loves his wife loves his wife the most and if they both love Jesus the most nobody nobody that's an unbeliever can really say deep down they've got that kind of love for each other because it takes it to another dimension it takes a little same things for about parents and kids when you love God you love your kids in a way that an unbeliever I'm not saying believes don't love the kids that's not my point but you have to you have to be a believer to understand what I'm saying it's a new level when you love your kids not just as your blood and you know and and your kin kids but you love them as your brothers and sisters in Christ it's a brand it's a different level yeah I know that and I'm sure James you've experienced the same thing as a pastor doing the wedding yeah you're looking at this groom and this bride and I know this when I know them well enough to know this guy is thinking this this is not he's looking at his bride thinking she's not the most important person in my life and she's thinking the same thing and you know most weddings you know they're not thinking that they're thinking oh I'm marrying you because you're the most important person in my life I'm marrying him because and that's wonderful and you're gonna make me happy you want to feel you want to feel that on your wedding day but when the groom and the bride no no no no she's not the most important person Jesus is he's not the most important person Jesus is then you know this marriage can go the distance because if Jesus is number one character is what I'm gonna be because I'm accountable to God not just my spouse but to God and that's gonna transform a marriage talk about this though as a dad you've raised sons and now grandkids what if you blown it what if you're a man or a woman it's made some character decisions that were bad you've sinned in ways that you never thought you would but you're you feel like I'm not really a man or woman of integrity because my life isn't matching how do you recover first of all you have to display true repentance that's where we don't use much anymore you don't hear it much on so the first word Jesus ever spoke in his first sermon you ever preached was repent but we don't hear that much anymore but I think the first thing you have to do is repent and show the fruits of repentance full confession here I didn't always have the patience with my boys and I should have had growing up and I had a temper and about five maybe six Christmas Eve's ago with over the house and we were getting bringing presents upstairs I just felt led to do this so I called all the guys downstairs I said guys got to tell you something and they stuck I just I just I lost it I just broke I just started weeping I said guys I was too hard on you and there were times I lost my temper with you and I'm just telling you it was wrong I was wrong I just asked you to forgive me and of course let you know oh no no I said no no no guys you know I'm telling the truth let's don't sugarcoat this I'm sorry I wish I could have that to do over again and I said I hate to tell you this but I am because I'm doing my grandkids and I've never lost my temper my grandkids which kind of irritates them sometimes but anyway my point is the best thing you can do with your family it's hard it's just go and admit what you've done whatever it is you say look I blew it we're not going to sugarcoat this I have repented and I told the boys I've repented I cannot do it over again but I can do from this point on I can do all I can to show you I can you know be the man in that area my life at all to be and I and I am so I think you know you have to humble yourself you have to confess it you have to admit it and then you have to repent and then you even have to say hold me accountable watch me and if you see me sliding in any way in this area of my life you owe it to me as my sons or my wife whatever to tell me to do that the problem is it's so weird pride is bigger in our home sometimes than is anywhere else you know for example if you did something wrong in your job and you love your job and you know if I don't make this right I'm gonna get fired it's amazing how humble you can get with your boss isn't it well we ought to be even more humble with our wives and with our children and our family and we were blown it go to them your stature will grow their respect for you or grow their love for you or grow you don't lose you win when you do that well I like I think that really pairs with another character quality is perseverance like and if they're hard on you or if you feel like I've done this a million times or I've tried to talk to my son or my daughter a million times or my husband or wife so often we just give up like it doesn't work I'm not gonna keep going but perseverance you've talked about this like this is key and I thought it was interesting too because you talked about Apple and the founders of Apple talk about that a little bit I bet a lot of people don't know this story of the founders yeah there were three guys and one of them frankly it's funny you don't know his name yeah I don't know because I don't know what he gave up he gave up too early and sold his stock for like peanuts $800 $800 that's right and after now I think I came here what it said but I think I put the book what it would be worth 60 billion 60 billion dollars because he you know he gave up and by the way I'm glad you brought that up and one of the biggest things I see that breaks my heart in marriage so often is people do give up too soon and people do give up too quickly and I'll tell you why let me tell you why we quit and this is hard for people to admit if you're a believer and you quit you're not quitting on the situation you're not quitting on the person you're quitting on God because you're what you're really saying when you quit is you know what even you can't handle this even you can't do this I had a couple that came in to see me it is the worst situation I have ever encountered in my ministry ever this couple came in to see me this is how bad it was they had lived apart and always they did not divorce they financially just could not afford it that's always they didn't that's the only reason she would write her husband get a birthday card she would cross out the I love and happy birthday and she would say things you know I hope today's a day in hell for you I hate you with everything I mean she would she would do it and put it under his door it was toxic it was so poison so I looked at him and I started with him and I said and he really wanted the marriage to work and I said you are you willing to do whatever it takes to for this marriage to work and he said pastor I am and I looked at her and she said not sure I said I can't help you if you don't want to work I promise you it's not gonna work okay if you don't want to work it's not gonna work and so I told him that so I'll be honestly I didn't I would have given them a nickel yeah for that thing to work they came back about eight months later they're glowing they're happy and they're coming in and they're sitting down and they said we was I thought there's coming up another session because I told us I can't you need to go to professional I can't help so they came in Dave and they sat down I'm thinking boy this okay they must have gotten a divorce and now they're just so happy I can't go into the details of it but God just got in there God got in there and what they'll tell you today they now give their testimony what they'll tell you today is they're so glad now they were forced to hang in there because their finances but it was God's way of not letting them quit and they're so glad they're the happiest couple I know of anywhere in the world now because they just they did not quit and that's character yeah I mean you list 12 different you know attributes of character and that's a big one you don't make it to the finish line if you don't have character because you quit yeah it's too easy and whether it's marriage job your faith and I would just add this one last thought is character is developed in community like men you need men in your life to look you in the eye when you aren't exhibiting character and call you women need women we need couples in our lives you don't develop it in in the dark you don't develop it in isolation you need a community right Dave you are you play quarterback right play football you know it's amazing James I can tell her I get the better I was there's no there's no doubt about it and your humility blows me away but anyway you developed your character on a football field practicing with your players thanks for those guys taking the hits letting them show that you know I can lead this football team you could have gone out with your receivers and just kind of thrown back forth all day long that would develop character okay that's why the real character developments on Saturday in the college and Sunday in the NFL that's when you know what kind of character you got right football all sports are great that way the other thing to make come back full story you talked about loyalty this is a thing that again a lot of couples don't realize anymore pastors perform weddings it's God that does the marriage yeah pastors don't join a couple together God joins together holding a marriage together is not just saying I'll be loyal to you like you're loyal to each other no you're loyal to two things the vows that you took before God and the God that you took the vows before yeah that's what you're loyal to the loyalty to each other is a fruit of that it's a result of that a lot of couples they get married sometimes it concerns me they don't understand you're not just saying words you are taking I that's why I do my wedding you're taking a sacred foul before God till death do you part we don't take that seriously much in yeah and I tell you what the only way that vow is lived out is the power of God in us the power of Jesus Christ through his Holy Spirit literally to make us men and women of character and that's where it starts and it ends it starts and ends with Jesus no question James thanks it's been great stuff I'll enjoyed it thank you most of the time when we hear the word loyal we think oh I'm loyal to this person or I'm loyal to this team or I'm loyal to this area but as Dave and Ann Wilson have been talking with James Merritt he's helped us to see that when it comes to marriage loyalty isn't necessarily to your spouse it's a different kind of loyalty that makes it more about God vertically as opposed to the other person and us horizontally James Merritt has written a book called character still counts it is time to restore our lasting values you can order a copy in our family life resource center by logging on to family life today.com or you can pick up the phone and give us a call at 1-800-358-6329 that's 1-800 F as in family L as in life and then the word today to request your copy of character still counts by James Merritt and when it comes to character we as fathers sometimes have a lot of trouble instilling character in our sons as we think about raising them in this culture in this environment today John Tyson our guest coming up tomorrow has written a book called the intentional father about how to raise your sons in a culture that pushes them in a direction that's away from God this book is going to be our gift to you for a donation of any amount if you log on to family life today.com and make a donation to the Ministry of family life or call 1-800-358-6329 it's our gift to you as a way to say thank you for extending the ministry of what we do here at family life and like I said David and Wilson are gonna be talking with John Tyson tomorrow the author of the intentional father if this content today or any of the family life programs have been helpful for you we'd love for you to share today's podcast with a friend or a family member while you're there it could really help us advance the ministry of what we're doing at family life if you scroll down and rate and review us on behalf of David and Wilson I'm Shelby Abbott we'll see you back next time for another edition of family life today family life today is a production of family life a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most