Ways that Caregivers Process Heartache and Stress

I want to tell you right now, I'm not afraid to say how. You put this love in my heart. Welcome back to Hope for the Caregiver.

This is Peter Rosberger. This is the program for you as a family caregiver. You know healthy caregivers make better caregivers. And the goal of this program is to help you stay strong and healthy as you take care of someone who is not. Hopeforthecaregiver.com.

Hopeforthecaregiver.com. If you'll indulge me for just a moment, I've received quite a bit of mail over the last several weeks as Gracie has been going through her challenges. And they're very meaningful things that people have sent me. I want to give a big shout out to Dr. Roderick Beeman, who in his later life here, he said at this late stage of life, taking a song writing, he enclosed a hymn that he's written, which was I Will Dwell in the House of the Lord, which fits in with what we're talking about today. And I appreciate that. I sat down at the piano and worked on this and I'm going to continue to work on it until I kind of make sure I can play it well and do it justice. And so Dr. Beeman, I'll give you some feedback on how I did with it and hopefully maybe we played on the show one morning and love to do it.

Thank you for this. Beautiful sheet music. You did a great job with it. You got some great chords in here. You know how I like those chords, different chords. You've got some great sharp five chords and diminished chords and all kinds of things.

And so I will give it my best to work on this and we'll hopefully feature this on the program here in the not too distant future. I also received another song from the Schroeder's, Dale Schroeder. Oh, I'm sorry. Shocker. Shocker.

Dale Shocker. It's called The Last Supper. And you can tell that they put a lot of work into this and doing the sheet music. And I'm a decent reader of sheet music. I do chord charts better, but I will give it my best shot.

Dale and Suzanne. And so bear with me and I'll try to work this up as well. I like to to learn new music and go through it. And this is this is a great piece that obviously you've done a lot of work with and getting the sheet music out.

I'll see if I can do it justice. You did not put the chords on this, so I'm actually going to have to knuckle down and do the work. I'm going to have to learn how to play this.

Well, I can't cheat with the chords because that's that's normally what I do is I just read a lead sheet with a chord chart and I can play pretty much in any key and so forth. But if I have to actually sit down and seriously read the music and play it as written. It causes quite a bit of strain for me. My piano teachers used to it caused a lot of strain for them, too.

I was not much of a sight reader and I never really was much of a reader. I mean, I can do it and I can write it out. I mean, I majored in composition arranging in my degree in music. And so I mean, I can do it.

But you guys are making me work here. And that's OK, because I love it and I love to be able to work. And I've received so many kind notes from folks who express that they're praying for me. Helen Meyer from Dallas, Texas, thank you for the CD that you also sent. Evidently, music really connects with this audience. And I get more people who write me and tell me how much they appreciate me bringing the hymns back to the forefront.

And I really want to try to do that more. And if you have a special hymn that you like or song that's important to you, please send it on. And I think what I'll do also is I'm going to try to feature regularly Gracie or me. But I think I'm going to Gracie for a while on her music and play some songs of hers that you may not have heard. You've heard a lot in the bumper music and so forth. But there's some other recordings that I think that you'll find meaningful as well. And, you know, I've said this often. Hans Christian Anderson, he once said, when words fail, music speaks.

And I really believe that. And obviously it speaks to you all. And I can just play a few bars of a particular hymn that you like that has been meaningful to you. And it takes you back to that point when you were sitting with your loved one or at the funeral or when you were a child and being raised and this hymn meant something to you.

These are treasured things for us to hold on to. Luther, Martin Luther, often said that music next to the Word of God, nothing expresses the soul more than music. And I really believe that. And surprisingly, I mean, I don't know if you know this or not, Bach, 200 years later, was one of Luther's most avid pupils. Even though he, of course, never met him, it was 200 years later. But Bach is considered the father of church music. And the way he wrote his music was very much in line with order and accomplishment.

It's extraordinary. And he would sign at SDG, Sola Dea Gloria, one of the five pillars of the Reformation. And all of church music has its roots in Bach. And so if you go back and play some of these pieces that he wrote and you look at it and the way it flows and the theology that he would put with the ones that he did with lyrics and singers and so forth, it was extraordinary. And so the hymnal that we have in our churches is a sadly overlooked treasure of comfort, of strength, of fortitude, of great doctrine, of assurance, of all the wonderful things that sustain us during brutal journeys. And yet it's often so overlooked. And that's a shame. And some people do these for sentimental reasons. And I get that. There's a lot of nostalgia with hymnals and with the hymns of the church. But while I'm in Denver with Gracie, I can't spend the night at the hospital because of COVID.

They don't let me do that. And some friends of mine opened up their home. I knew these wonderful people when they were dating back in college. We went to school together at Columbia Bible College.

It's now Columbia International University. And I remember when they started dating back in the early 80s. So I've known them a long time.

Wonderful couple. Well, we were all in a choir there that traveled from the university called the Ambassador Choir. And Anita, who is also from South Carolina, like I am, she sang alto, Phil sang bass.

I don't remember what I think. Anita sang alto, Phil sang bass, Peter just tried to fit on in there. I don't know what I sang back then. But I was playing the piano at their home and Anita was just singing these great hymns.

And I'm looking forward to Gracie being able to join us and the two of them playing together. I know that Anita went to visit Gracie in the hospital the day I couldn't go and they sang together. But it reminded me of those times when I was in chapel back at Columbia Bible College.

And, you know, you had a thousand people singing with gusto and in parts these wonderful hymns of the faith. Well, what does that have to do with being a caregiver? Well, for me, it has a lot to do with being a caregiver because I was asked recently, how do you grieve? A friend asked me that and I said, I grieve at the piano. And they said, well, we had you on our playlist and you came up. We were listening on our playlist on our phone and you came up and they said to themselves, this is a man who knows how to hurt.

He knows what hurt feels like the way I play. And that's how I process out the things that I carry and the things that I have to observe as a caregiver. It's got to go someplace. OK, it's got to go someplace.

And God in His gracious mercy gave me the ability to to perform music. And I don't know, maybe it's all part of, you know, I mean, it's always part of the plan. I don't know.

I'm not going to speculate on that. I just know that He provides us where He where He guides, He provides where He leads, He feeds. And our souls need that. And I look at friends of mine who are visual artists who paint. And I'm stunned by what they do.

The expression that they put in it. I look at friends of mine who garden and they have these exquisite gardens and the way they have plants. And in fact, I was over at Anita and Phil's house and they had the beautiful Christmas cactuses, you know, and they were beautiful.

And she was so good with all the plants. And I don't have a green thumb. I have a black thumb. I kill plants.

I don't. It's just really sad. And then I look at people who write poetry. And I'm amazed on what they do with language, how they express themselves. And then I look at people who do things with their hands, with woodworking and carpentry. And I look at the things that they build and I'm like, wow. Well, what an extraordinary expression. And, you know, from everything, I've seen people do tremendous works of art with what I would consider junk. And they'll make things that are exquisite.

And they've just got this eye. My brother-in-law's that way. My sister's husband, he can take things that I would just never figure this out in a million years. And he makes the most wonderful, beautiful things. If you go into my sister's home, I mean, it's just like, oh, my goodness. I mean, everything he does is just mind blowing.

I don't even have the words. And so I think that in all of us, we have the ability to process out what we're feeling in various ways. And as caregivers, I cannot stress enough the importance of that. What do you do? How do you process this out?

I understand the grief that you carry as a caregiver. What do you do to process this out? What is demanding that it come out of you? And how do you express it in a way that is soul satisfying to you? And I'd really like to hear that. So many of you all have expressed music. I get a lot of people call in, they play the piano or they play the guitar or flute or whatever. And there's so many musicians.

But I'd like to hear from others as well. There are people that restore cars. I look at these older cars, my friend Steven's that way. And he restored a 1983 Mercedes sedan. And I'm like, how did you do all this?

How did you learn this? And he likes to do it. And so I think as caregivers, those places that we can go and express our hearts, however that looks, to work out the kinks in our soul that's so important. For me, it's music.

And that's why I talk about it a lot because I can't do the things that other people do. And I am grateful that I have a place to do it. I'd like to hear what yours is. Hopeforthecaregiver.com.

You can go out there and there's a form you fill out. Tell me what you do. Hopeforthecaregiver.com. Hello, we've got to take a quick break.

This is Peter Rosenberg and this is the program for you as a family caregiver. We're so glad that you're with us. Hey, this is Peter Rosenberg and in my three and a half decades as a caregiver, I have spent my share of nights in a hospital, sleeping in waiting rooms, on fold-out cots, chairs, even the floor. Sometimes on sofas and a few times in the doghouse. But let's don't talk about that. As caregivers, we have to sleep at uncomfortable places.

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That's MyPillow.com, promo code CAREGIVER. If you've ever hooked up your dog to your wife's wheelchair just to see if it would work. You know, here's the problem with this, Peter.

It's like redneck jokes. As I go, you're not making this up. You've actually done that.

I have footage. Then that makes you a caregiver with issues. Welcome back to Hope for the Caregiver.

This is Peter Rosenberg. I'm glad that you're with us. Hopeforthecaregiver.com. Are you taking advantage of our podcast? Please do. It's free.

We've got well over 600 episodes. We're the largest podcast for caregivers in the world, and you'll find a variety of things in there. Sometimes I do these little Your Caregiver minutes that you'll hear, and that's exactly what they are. Just a minute to talk about a thought that I had of something that helps me in the moment. My audiobook is available as well, and so is the print version, the Kindle version, all that kind of stuff.

Please take advantage of this. I really recommend the audiobook a lot because sometimes it's good just to be able to hear a voice that speaks in your language, and I do. I speak fluent caregiver. I got a call from a guy this week down in San Antonio looking for a support group down there to ask if I could recommend one.

Well, I don't know of any. That's kind of the problem we're having around for caregivers is that we don't have those kinds of places for us. We have support groups for various diseases and things such as that and all, but when it comes to just a support group for caregivers, I started one out here where we live, and we meet every week, and we have a great group, and it's all about building us up as family caregivers. It's not about caregiving.

I'm not here through this program or through anything else I do to get into the task of caregiving. Now, we're going to have to learn some things. We need training. A lot of us, particularly when we're dealing with ongoing medical issues like I do and like this gentleman from San Antonio, his wife has a bunch of stomach issues and so forth, gastro issues that are going to require nursing-type care, so we have to get that kind of training. But when it comes to a support group, it's not about training in that sense, to learn a task.

It's about taking a moment, catching your breath, building ourselves up so that we can have the fortitude to endure this. And so that's what this program is. That's what my podcast is. That's what my books are.

Everything I can do to help settle our hearts down, not just yours, mine. I have to read my own book. I have to listen to my own show. My sister, when I was in the hospital at Gracie, she said, hey, look, these are your words.

You know, that's kind of embarrassing. But the truth of it is that I have caregiver amnesia, and I've got to be reminded of these things. I have gospel amnesia. I have to be reminded of the great redeeming love of Christ each and every day. We all do. And if our heart is a train wreck, what kind of caregiving are we going to do?

I mean, think about that. So the point of all that I'm trying to do on this program, recognizing that there aren't support groups out there for us, is to provide a place where you can come and hear in your own language as a caregiver things that help settle you down today, point you to safety, help you take a knee if you have to, take a break, and develop a better way to live a healthier life. I'm not here to help you or me get happy.

Okay? Happiness is an elusive goal that the world throws at it. We want to feel good all the time. Well, you and I both know that's not going to happen when you're in the caregiving journey. You're going to have trauma and drama on a regular basis. So the goal can't be to be happy as long as you're dealing with regular trauma and drama. But the goal can be to be healthy. Healthy emotionally, physically, fiscally, financially, spiritually, relationship-wise, professionally, all those things that help us better handle the tremendous challenges that we face as caregivers. And it's going to come out of nowhere sometimes.

It's going to just hit us out of the blue. And so what I try to do is offer things that I've learned. I try to stay away from my opinion because my opinion is worthless, but my experience is not. And if you think about it, that's really a biblical principle. Think about what he says in Revelation. They overcame by the blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony, not the word of their opinion. I don't need other people's opinion. I consult trained professionals about the logistics of certain things with Gracie, but I don't need their opinion as far as how to do this and this and this as a caregiver.

What I need to hear is from people who've done it, what they've learned, and the pitfalls that I can avoid, and then how to pick myself back up, you know, when I do fall and what strengthens me, what helps clear my head so that I can make clearer decisions, better decisions. Clarity of thought is critical for us as caregivers. How many of you all feel like your thoughts are clear? And how many of you see how easy it is for them to become muddied up? I mean, it's like it takes no time at all for our minds just to freak out.

And it's usually fear, obligation, and guilt. The fog of caregivers, so you'll hear me pound that a lot, because that's where we live as caregivers. I wanted to end the show today with a song from Gracie. A friend of mine said, you know what, why don't you play, you know, one of her, just the whole song on your show, because, you know, people haven't heard a lot of these things.

And so I thought, well, okay, I'll do that and see if you like it. This is one that she recorded a while back, and I just love it. I love the chords, the arrangements, everything about it. And it's written by Keith Green, and it is one of the, you know, my favorite songs of his. I always liked it, and I brought it to Gracie and said, would you like to sing this song?

And she really connected with it, as you'll hear. So this is my wife, Gracie. She's going to end the show today, so thank you all very much for being a part of this. Thank you for your continued prayer, for her recovery as she goes through this very difficult challenge in her life.

And thank you for your flexibility with me. This is my wife, Gracie, and if you want to see more about it, you can go out to HopeForTheCaregiver.com. As each day passes by, I feel my love run dry. I get so weary, warm, and tossed within the storm.

Well, I'm blind to others' needs, and I'm tired of plenty of scenes. I seem to have a wealth of so many thoughts about myself. I want to, and I need to, be more like Jesus. I want to, and I need to, be more like Him. There's no greater love than to lay down your life for a friend.

Our Father's will was done by giving us a son who paid the highest cost to point us to the cross. And when I think of Him, taking on the whole world He said, I take one look at me compared to what I'm called to be. I want to, and I need to, be more like Jesus.

I want to, and I've got to, be more like Him. There's no greater love than to lay down your life for a friend. The end of all my prayers is to care like my Lord cares. My one and only God, His image in my soul.

Yes, my weakness is revealed, but by His stripes I'm healed. He's faithful and He's true. To complete the work He begins in me and you. I want to, and I need to, be like Jesus. I want to, I need to, be like Him. I want to, and I need to, be more like Jesus. I want to, and I need to, be more like Him. There's no greater love than to lay down your life for a friend. Some of you know the remarkable story of Peter's wife Gracie, and recently Peter talked to Gracie about all the wonderful things that have emerged from her difficult journey. Take a listen. Gracie, when you envisioned doing a prosthetic limb outreach, did you ever think that inmates would help you do that?

Not in a million years. When you go to the facility run by CoreCivic and you see the faces of these inmates that are working on prosthetic limbs that you have helped collect from all over the country, that you put out the plea for, and they're disassembling. You see all these legs, like what you have, your own prosthetic legs. And arms, too.

And arms. When you see all this, what does that do to you? Makes me cry, because I see the smiles on their faces, and I know, I know what it is to be locked someplace where you can't get out without somebody else allowing you to get out.

Of course, being in the hospital so much and so long. These men are so glad that they get to be doing, as one band said, something good finally with my hands. Did you know before you became an amputee that parts of prosthetic limbs could be recycled? No, I had no idea. You know, I thought of peg leg. I thought of wooden legs.

I never thought of titanium and carbon legs and flex feet and sea legs and all that. I never thought about that. As you watch these inmates participate in something like this, knowing that they're helping other people now walk, they're providing the means for these supplies to get over there, what does that do to you, just on a heart level? I wish I could explain to the world what I see in there, and I wish that I could be able to go and say, this guy right here, he needs to go to Africa with us. I never not feel that way.

Every time, you know, you always make me have to leave, I don't want to leave them. I feel like I'm at home with them, and I feel like that we have a common bond that I would have never expected that only God could put together. Now that you've had an experience with it, what do you think of the faith-based programs that CoreCivic offers? I think they're just absolutely awesome, and I think every prison out there should have faith-based programs like this because the return rate of the men that are involved in this particular faith-based program and other ones like it, but I know about this one, is just an amazingly low rate.

Compared to those who don't have them, and I think that that says so much. That doesn't have anything to do with me, it just has something to do with God using somebody broken to help other broken people. If people want to donate a used prosthetic limb, whether from a loved one who passed away, or, you know, somebody who outgrew them, you've donated some of your own for them to do. How do they do that? Please go to StandingWithHope.com slash recycle. StandingWithHope.com slash recycle. Thanks, Gracie.