Dating Tips For Today's Singles

I think the perfect date is having just a really good conversation over coffee.

Probably a fall festival. You have a lot of activities, there's a lot of things you can do, but you're still talking and it's not like going to a movie. Anything that is outdoors and reveals character and allows for good conversation and laughter. Going to a concert and singing along with the music together just sounds perfect.

Driving in a car, listening to good music, and then watching the stars. Well, whether you're married or not, you probably have some idea of what a perfect date would be. And maybe you've had a few of those or you're looking forward to some perfect dates in the near future. Well, welcome to today's episode of Focus on the Family. We'll be exploring the world of dating today and we'll examine some of the current challenges and offer some hope.

Your host is Focus President and author Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller. John, I have such great memories of when Jean and I began dating and I'm sure many of the parents listening right now can say the same thing. That excitement about getting to know someone you're attracted to and those early feelings of love. And now we find ourselves watching it happen all over again with our young adults, Trent and Troy. You know, so it's exciting.

It's an exciting time and, you know, I get it. Not everybody's going to get married, but a majority of people probably will. I've also got some data here that I just saw the other day for ages 25 to 50. In 1970, only 9% of that group was not married, 25 to 50. And then today it's 35% are not married and that represents about 39 million people. So there's a, you know, there's something going on where people aren't desiring at the same rate to get married as they once did. But today we're going to explore that, how to cultivate a healthy dating relationship, how to move toward marriage, which is a good thing. Yeah, and this can be a troubling conversation and topic for parents who have raised their kids as Christians.

We have expectations, we have standards, we're thinking you can do better than the culture is offering, but it's a difficult conversation to have. Well, and, you know, again, we don't want to raise marriage up as an idol. And, you know, when I was young, I thought maybe I would go through life single. I was making that commitment to the Lord. Then I met Jean and said, Lord, I'm sorry, I don't think I could do that.

And that's the way it should be. And I'm looking forward to our conversation. Yeah, and we recognize not all single adults are going to be married, but the majority likely will at some point want to do what you did with Jean. We have two great guests to really unpack this topic. Lisa Anderson is back with us. She's our colleague here at Focus and heads up Focus on the Family's Boundless effort, which includes a podcast and a broadcast and a website and more for single adults to help them grow in their relationships and their relationship with God as well. We also have Jonathan J.P. Pacluta. We'll call you J.P., I guess, along the way here. He's worked in young adult ministry for years. He's the pastor of Harris Creek Baptist Church in Waco, Texas, and has a book that we'll be covering today.

It's called Outdated. Find love that lasts when dating has changed. Lisa and J.P., welcome. Hey, thank you guys for having me here. Yeah, it's always fun. There's so much energy in those single adults. I love it.

There's all kinds of energy, right? Absolutely. Lisa, it's fun to be back with you as well.

Very good to be here. All right, let's get into it. In your book, J.P., and your work, frankly, with young adults, what are some of your observations about the dating culture? I've been married 35 years. How long have you been married?

Thirty-seven. It has changed substantially, and it's hard. You know, with my boys, 21 and 19, it can be hard for me to tell me again what's happening. I mean, it's like, wow, it's not the same thing.

Yeah, let me just say this. If you're listening and you're single and you desire marriage, if you are in a relationship, or if you are the parents of someone that you desire marriage for, or they're dating, maybe you like their significant other, maybe you don't, maybe you'll listen in and find something helpful here, because it has changed. My children, there's a really good chance they're going to meet their spouse through an app.

Technology now plays a role in this, whether we like it or not, it's here to stay, it's not going anywhere, and we become more segmented. And so people are looking to the church, wanting the church to help them find a spouse, and everybody's kind of throwing their hands out. People are getting married later, they're getting married less, and marriages aren't lasting. And so that's really why this book, Outdated, was born, so that we could give people a roadmap, some help, create a biblical worldview on this topic that shows up nowhere in the Bible. So nowhere in the Scripture, Genesis to Revelation, will you find the word dating, because it didn't exist. Dating's only about 120 years old, and most people don't realize that, that as we do this thing, that is completely commonplace now, that it's a new idea. And I'm not trying to kiss it goodbye, if you will, but I am trying to say, hey, let's work in some biblical ideas to help us here. Well, I know that's serious, what you just said, but boy, in my experience meeting Gene, I'm glad I was born in the time I was, that 120 years. I mean, that's amazing.

It is, yeah. Because it was really fulfilling for us, and I think we did a good job. I mean, Gene and I, you know, we contained all those appetites and all those things, and really, I felt like honored the Lord through it, and you know, it was a good thing. Lisa, let me give you a swing at what I asked JP, in terms of what you hear back from boundless readers and listeners about, you know, their thoughts on marriage, the dating culture.

What do you hear? Yeah, I really think there is a lot of frustration, Jim, because it's, you know, if you talk to our parents, our grandparents, it was this idea of like, there was just a natural progression of dating, like you think of the average church, you went to youth group, then you went to the college group, and then the next thing was like the young marrieds group. So you just got married, and your peers did too, and it was just kind of the thing you did. But now, it's kind of like some people go to college, some people don't, then you can be in a small group, and it might be for people who are believers and ride Harleys, or you know, there are just so many things that are like segmented, and it's no longer assumptive as this is what I do because I'm now 23, clearly I'm just going to be dating, looking for someone getting married.

And for those that want to get married, they do get frustrated because finding someone who wants the same thing and is pursuing it in the same way is like a holy grail. You know, one of the things as a parent now of kids in that dating age range, and this is probably a more toward the younger adult as I say this. You know, we have our experience as parents, right? That's what we did, and I can just hear that conversation with the 21 year old who's not found that dating relationship yet, or not found that someone. Boy, by 20, you know, by 21, I already met your dad, and you know, this is already happening, what's your problem?

And I think we as parents have to be careful not to project our experience of, you know, 20, 30 years ago onto our kids because it is different, and you know, in many ways it's unfair. Yeah, even as you pray for your children, and so at an early age you're praying, I pray for their spouse, but what if they don't get married? And I think we forget that the scripture calls singleness a gift. Paul says that in 1 Corinthians chapter 7, and he's actually plagiarizing the words of Jesus in Matthew 19, where he says, There are some who are celibate for the sake of the kingdom.

Not everyone can accept this, but those who can should. By the way, Paul, single, Jesus, also single. And we have this idea that comes from, you know, I think Jerry Maguire back in the day, this You complete me, which really sends a signal to singles that you're not whole, that you're just a half a person.

And you know, Jesus, certainly the most complete human being that has ever lived as God, you know, he wasn't incomplete, he wasn't a half a person, and so we're not trying to find our soulmate or star-crossed lover, or all of these ideas that actually come into our culture from Greek mythology, and we don't realize that, and so absolutely. I know Lisa and I have talked a lot about that before. Let me move to some of the data that's a little concerning, or I should say very concerning. Some statistics and surveys are showing that within the Christian community, so I'm not talking about the world, but the Christian community, research shows that 47% of young evangelicals are saying they would live together before marriage, kind of try it out, 47%.

And I guess the right question is why are Christians compromising in this way and falling for it? I think the other data point is about half of those that live together end up not getting married. That's right.

And that's double trouble. I think, well, there's lots of statistics out there. One that I looked at was even much more than half, and the success rate of cohabitation, one that I'll share, is about 2%. And so that's crazy. And you can find statistics that venture off that a little bit, but think about if 100 people live together, a significant portion of them are not going to get married, and then another significant portion of those that get married end in divorce.

And so this whole try before you buy is not working. And it's like there's a God, and He has these ideals and these desires for us, and they actually work out for our good. And so I think as we begin to apply those, we'll find life, not as a promise, certainly. Hardships can happen in this fallen world, but as we pursue the things that He desires for us, He's the one that invented marriage. He invented relationships. He made them male and female.

He knows how this works better than anyone else. And so as we look to Him, I think then we find the path. But yeah, the cohabitation, it's a real issue. And I think it's just the way that we think. There's a spirit of selfishness in the air, and I don't want to commit. Why commit if I can just have a roommate and I can have the friends with benefits and I can get the quote-unquote benefits of marriage without the commitment, but it doesn't go well? Well, and I think that's where for women, Jim, it's very easy for women to choose to settle on this front because for them, the assumption is if I choose to live with this guy, it's going to drive him towards commitment.

And what happens is exactly the opposite. They think that if they just bide their time, wait it out, build more connection with this guy, that he's going to stay. But then what we find is all of a sudden they're sharing a rent or maybe in some cases sharing a mortgage. Then they're sharing a dog, and then eventually they might share a kid or two. And at that point, they might be in a really bad toxic relationship, but it's so hard to extricate themselves from that that they just stay in it and just wait it out and end up in a really bad situation, sometimes for years, because they just realize, well, I paid my dues, I put my time in, I guess I'm just going to leave at the status quo. Cohabitation will keep you in the wrong relationship too long, and it will keep you from the right relationship. Wow, that's well said.

Yeah, that's good. Lisa, let me also ask you, you have a comment from a Boundless listener that illustrates the pain and confusion that many Christian families are dealing with because of this cohabitation. Share that comment and then explain how you address this topic with your Boundless listeners.

Yeah, I mean, I'll kind of summarize it here. We had a listener write in who was talking about her brother who was dating someone, and their mom was allowing the brother and his girlfriend to sleep together when they visited. And she's like, I think my mom is a Christian, and I'm not comfortable with this, but I don't want to drive my brother away, but do I confront my mom?

And so you could see where it gets muddy. And this is where also when we're wondering, like, how do we apply Christian principles to everyday life, and does she honor her mom in this, it's her mom's house. And so it really became a very sticky situation to kind of work through. That's so interesting.

I would think that would be a different scenario where the mom and dad were engaged and worried that, you know, you can stay here, but you got to stay in different rooms and all that kind of thing. And it's the child, the sibling saying, hey, I don't think this is cool. Yeah.

That's amazing. It's almost a weird case of like, you know, young adult children parenting parents. Role reversal. Yeah, role reversal in that. And we're seeing that a lot.

Yeah. JP, the challenges that many single adults face with dating today are part of your journey. I mean, this is your testimony.

And I'm sure it's, you know, that old adage that your passion is born out of your pain. You speak from that experience when you say don't make the same mistakes that I made. Explain how you viewed dating before you were Christian.

What age did you become a Christian? It was an adventure. It was this.

It was the manic. So dating for me. And I'll go back to something you said earlier where you talk about you and your wife dating and it really being a benefit to you. But we almost have to define that word now because it means so many different things to different people. For a lot of people, when they hear dating, they think, oh, it's this emotional experience. And that's what it was for Monica and I or even before I met Monica, the manic highs and the manic lows going on the adventure, kind of like the bachelor, the bachelorette, if you will.

Let's go experience all the things together. And I called myself a Christian. I was raised in the church, but really I wasn't making any decision that was rooted in Christ or God's word. And then I was at a club 20 years ago and someone invited me to church. I sat in the back row, hung over, I smelt like smoke from the night before and ended up giving my life to Jesus. And I really had to realize that I wasn't a Christian to become one.

And when that happened, everything changed. I said, Monica, my girlfriend at the time, we sat down and I just said, what do you believe about God? And we had fought about faith up until now.

But she said, I believe that Jesus died for my sins and raised from the dead. I said, I believe that, too. Let's build on that. And oh, by the way, I think we need to stop the physical stuff.

It seems like that's not God's desire. And so we pulled the parking brake on that. That was really challenging, as you can imagine. So then I was like, we should probably get married. And so shortly thereafter we got married. But I will say I've never met, I've done a lot of marriage counseling, a lot of pre-marriage counseling. I've never met someone with marriage problems.

They've always been single people problems that they've brought into marriage. And the marriage just throws a giant magnifying glass on it. And that was my story. There was pornography.

I was a sex addict, certainly addicted to pornography. And so I needed to go through a season of healing before I brought someone into my problems and challenges. And so now as I look back, I think there is a way to date, like you said, like you experienced, Jim, that's really God-honoring. That is a method that I think a lot of times He blesses with a healthy marriage.

Not an easy marriage, but a healthy marriage. And so that is, you're right, I mean, my passion is born out of that pain. Yeah, and let me, you know, I had difficulties in high school and early college. But, you know, the Lord really spoke to my heart about the right way to go. And I remember after Jean and I's first date, I shook her hand because I just said to myself, I'm not going any further.

I mean, the irony of ironies is that is one of the things that caught Jean's attention. Yeah, it makes a great first impression. And it was very sincere.

I didn't do it for any other motivation. I just knew if I do anything else, it's going to take us down the wrong path. And, you know, the thing about that, men, even if you're 19, 20, 21, you've got to be a man at that point and demonstrate what this is going to grow into. And don't fall into the trap. It's hard, yeah, it's difficult. We've been there.

But you've got to find the way to make your commitment to Christ first and then the relationship second. And that's just the way it is. Lisa, there can be a lot of confusion about dating because men and women have different goals, maybe expectations. I think today we're being told that maybe they're not so different. Women are wanting physical intimacy as much as men.

I mean, that's what's being said, right? Explain why it's important for single adults to be more intentional in their dating. Yeah, I think it's very easy to get caught up in just the clutter of what you assume relationships are, what you want them to be. So you have many options of, you know, we see people, quote, unquote, hanging out. We see people hooking up. We see people dating intentionally or what I would call biblical dating of really moving along a progression, a trajectory of what would be a great way to get to know someone. But no one has really, you know, I jokingly say to boundless listeners, it'd be awesome if we could open up the Bible and look for first and second dating and just get all of our instructions out there.

But the fact is that doesn't exist. And so as a result, we have to script some principles of what it means to honor someone as a brother or sister in Christ. And until you are married to this person, that is all they are. And so they're obviously like as you start dating or expressing interest in someone, you're going to do that, hopefully be, you know, very explicit about that, like I'm interested in you. But the fact is now with all the muddiness in our culture, we're actually having to give that kind of instruction to young adults of like, this is what it looks like to actually ask someone out. This is what it looks like to not just get caught up in what I call a friend relationship of using this person for connection, for affection, for attention.

And so we really have to be a lot more and, you know, young adults are here for it. I mean, they're kind of like, please help me navigate this space, help me figure this out, because I don't know what I'm doing. And my, you know, my parents are either like telling me not to get in a relationship or they're pushing me towards a relationship.

And so they just want some clarity. Let me let me ask you this, the kind of the group gathering and I think Trent and Troy, at least my observation, I'm sure I don't know everything. But the observation that I have is that they did lean into kind of the guys and the girls kind of going out together in like a pack of about eight to 10. And that felt comfortable as parents to Jean and I. Again, I don't know that all the behavior was perfect. But what about that concept for particularly teenagers in a Christian home, the parents saying, you know, that's an area that seems right for 16, 17. Where you go out with a bunch of friends and you're learning to be comfortable around the opposite sex. I mean, that's that's what they're learning.

Right. And I would say this here that I think dating the way the world does it is really the enemy of marriage. And so if we reframe it as hanging out with other followers of Jesus, other Christians, and you start to observe people and you think, you know what, there's something special about that.

You begin to kind of feel your heart moving toward them and but you and you know about them because you've hung out for a season. Hey, they really are following Jesus. So now let's redefine dating as in a way that I think is God honoring. It's a path to a promise.

It's a path to a promise. So when I enter into a committed relationship with them, meaning we're not dating other people, really all I'm trying to do is is identify are they who I think they are or would they make a good husband? Would they make a good wife? Would they make a good father? Would they be a good mother?

Do they have these character qualities there? And I'm just trying to identify that honestly, as quickly and effectively as I can, assuming that I'm at an age where I'm ready for marriage. Prior to that, like Lisa said, it's brothers and sister relationships. We're hanging out. We're having fun. You know, guarding your heart, which I know sounds archaic because it is a couple thousand years old.

Still very effective, very good formula. Where did we get this idea that we should just all be dating any age, any stage? I mean, all it's going to do is set you up for a lot of heartache and or, you know, a downward spiral or getting caught into a vortex of sexual activity or whatever. I mean, I'm like, you know, I have friends of mine, you know, with 13 year olds that they're like, Oh, go get a boyfriend, meet a boyfriend at school. And I'm like, what are we talking about? I mean, you know, I really believe that dating is for the purpose of finding a marriage partner.

And you do that intentionally. You do it well, you do it in community, and you're going to have a lot better chance of finding that person successfully. Let me ask you, JP, you have an acrostic that I actually sent to my son today because I thought it's so good, this idea of cross and what each element C-R-O-S-S means in the dating relationship. Yeah.

Yeah. I think just as you consider who you're looking for and that list, and I'm not against lists, just make sure that your list aligns with God's list for you. Like you're looking for what he would have you look at. You want to find someone who is controlled. Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit. You want to find someone who is responsible as they're moving to the adult season of life.

It's hard and there are bills and there are challenges that come with just being an adult. So you want to find someone who is responsible, someone who is obedient. They are submissive to authority. They are under the control of the Holy Spirit. They know God's word. They live according to what it says.

They're serving. If someone does not enjoy serving, they're going to hate marriage. And then I would just say someone who is steady. It's not the manic highs and the manic lows that the world would tell you dating is, that Monica and I experienced.

It really is. There's a steadiness. In a lot of ways, and this is not a popular opinion, but in a lot of ways you want a boring marriage.

And what I mean by a boring marriage is it wouldn't make a good reality show. It's not the stuff's getting thrown against the wall and we're yelling expletives at each other and then we're crying and then we're making up. It's steady. So controlled, responsible, obedient, serving, steady.

That's the acrostic of cross. It's really good. I think that's great. J.P., we're right at the end here. I want to close with your perspective about the fairy tale ending that many singles dream about, that if they only get there, it's all going to be bliss. And really you're just strapping in for the next level of what God's going to teach you. Your greatest disappointments come from expectations.

And I would say the most concentrated form of expectations or the highest platform from which we fall is entitlement. And so I think when you go into the world, you feel entitled to marriage and you feel entitled to a fun marriage that's easy. I'm telling you, it doesn't exist. It's not out there.

You can have a lot of fun, but it requires a lot of work and a lot of sacrifice. And so what we hear Disney telling us is this idea of happily ever after. And the problem with that is, is it's actually we don't know. We don't know what's in store.

We don't know if it's infertility. We don't know what it's going to be like to bury a parent. The challenges and the weightiness of life. Really what we did in marriage is we found a partner to help us carry some of that. And at times that partner is going to be a part of what we carry is going to be.

They're going to be a part of the challenges in this life. And so what the scripture tells us is no one is married in heaven except for everyone is married in heaven. We're married to Jesus. We are the bride of Christ, his church. And so marriage is this metaphor.

It's not just a metaphor, but it is first a metaphor. So in Ephesians 5, Paul is saying, husbands, wives, Jesus church, husbands, wives, Jesus church, husbands, wives, Jesus church, to show us something that marriage showcases the Savior. When we lay our lives down for one another, when husbands lay their lives down for wives, as wives submit to that kind of leadership, and I know that seems like an old fashioned idea, but it starts out, that passage starts out, husband and wife submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. When we live like that, the world is saying, man, there is something different about them.

I want to get to know their God. And that's the true happily ever after. That we can live in eternity with God because of what he's done for us through his son, Jesus Christ.

I'm like bursting out of my seat right here. You couldn't say it any better, JP. I mean, that is right on. And that's what we fight for each and every day. Lisa, you get a shot at really hitting on boundless here.

What are you trying to accomplish? Yeah. I mean, I just wanted to say one thing to that, Jim. And that is, yeah, if as a single person, if marriage is the ultimate prize, then Paul and Jesus and I have the lamest lives ever. We're not done.

We're not. I mean, what is there? And so that's where I say, you know, we will all stand before the Lord as single individuals, you know, ready to enter heaven. And what's that going to look like? And so for me, I'm encouraged that, you know, single people that get married, they're going to trade one set of joys and sorrows for another set of joys and sorrows.

So it's not like there's first and second class citizens or that whole deal. So I'm just excited that at Boundless we have the opportunity to be a community for folks who are hopeful for marriage, some who maybe want to remain single, but ultimately are walking out their faith in a way, hopefully in community and in a way where they are pursuing Christ and wanting to honor him now and whether or not they get married. And we just have the opportunity to root for them and provide them advice and resources along the way. That's great. And John will give details how to connect to Boundless in a moment. But Lisa, JP, thank you so much for being with us.

Thank you so much for having me on. It's really, really good. And I hope you'll get a copy of JP's book, Outdated.

Find love that lasts when dating has changed. I'm going to snag a couple of copies for my boys and make sure that they have it. And I want to recommend that you get a copy. And if you can make a gift to focus on the family, be a part of the ministry. We'll send you a copy of the book as our way of saying thank you for being a partner. And man, I think this is one of the most important things, important jobs we have as parents is to help our kids navigate, our young adult kids navigate this area.

That's right. I'm so glad we had this conversation. And as Jim said, get a copy of this book when you get in touch. Donate as you can. Our number is 800, the letter A in the word family, 800-232-6459 or the link is in the episode notes.

And at our website, we're going to link over to the Boundless Show podcast and the website. And please do a favor and let any single adults in your sphere know about this terrific outreach. And make plans to join us tomorrow for an insightful conversation with Dr. Gary Chapman about knowing your child's love language. I've sometimes said in every child, there's an emotional love tank, you know, and if the love tank is full, the child grows up emotionally healthy.

If the love tank is empty and the child feels like they don't love me. On behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.

Is it possible to love your spouse without expecting anything in return? Here at Focus on the Family, we're excited about season five of the Loving Well podcast. I'm John Fuller and I'll be joined by my friends and colleagues, Dr. Greg Smalley and his wife, Erin, as we discuss practical ways you can show love and appreciation to your mate. You'll find the Loving Well podcast at Focus on the Family dot com slash Loving Well. That's Focus on the Family dot com slash Loving Well.