Dear Gary January

People are catching on to "The 5 Love Languages" . We've been talking with Dr. Gary Chapman, the author of the mega successful book, "The 5 Love Languages" . The need to feel loved by the significant people in your life is the deepest emotional need we have. My boyfriend and I read it together and we quickly realized like we are the exact opposite on the love language scale because we took the quizzes. I'm on with the Gary Chapman. I mean love languages and I'm right here in the middle of it.

I don't believe this. Words of affirmation! Get ready for some challenging questions about marriage, family struggles, single life and the love languages. Today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. I miss my wife and trying to do everything I can to make things work. Me and my husband are having issues.

How do I, knowing what my love language is, guard my heart and protect myself? Welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" . Today your questions for this trusted author, pastor and counselor. It's our January edition of Dear Gary. We look forward to your questions and your feedback to the program. It's great to hear your response to other calls and Gary's answers. So if you have a question today, call us and leave a message. You may hear a response on a future Dear Gary program. Here's our number 1-866-424-GARY. Again, 866-424-GARY. Leave your message and turn down any noise in the background.

If you're driving, pull over so we can hear every word. Featured resource today is a book you may have heard of. It's titled "The 5 Love Languages" , The Secret to Love That Lasts.

You can find it at the website, fivelovelanguages.com. And Gary, here's a letter that just came in. Steve sent this to me. Dear Mr. Dr. Gary Chapman, thank you. I understand a lot more than I did before. All about family, friends, adults, teens and kids from listening to you. Thank you for being on the radio so that people like me can hear you and build better families.

That's a great response, Gary. Those kind of letters are always encouraging, Chris. We know that people are listening and when they take time to share that what we're talking about has been helpful to them. It's always very encouraging, as you well know. Well, have you heard any stories like this recently about somebody who got a hold of "The 5 Love Languages" or went to a seminar and listened to you on the radio? What comes to mind? You know, every time I do a marriage conference on the weekend on Saturday, I do about 15 a year with Moody Publishers.

Every time I do one of those, I'll have at least three or four, sometimes eight or ten individuals throughout the day who will come up to me as a couple. And say, we just want you to know that "The 5 Love Languages" , your book, "The 5 Love Languages" , saved our marriage. We were close to divorce. We didn't think we could do it. It was so painful.

We thought getting out was the only answer. But when we read that book, the lights came on. We looked back on our marriage and realized how we had missed each other because we had not been speaking each other's love language. So yeah, Chris, the feedback that I've received on that book, just continue to receive on that book, is just so encouraging. The way God has used it to help so many couples restore emotional love in the marriage relationship. Again, you can find out more about it at the website, fivelovelanguages.com. "The 5 Love Languages" , the secret to love that lasts. And we're going to hear some questions about that throughout the hour, but let's begin the conversation today with a parenting question from a mom about her daughter.

Hello, Gary. I have just read your book, The Five Ways of Expressing Love to a Child. I'm a senior and when I had my daughter, I lost my husband and we had just moved to America from a European country. And at that time I started drinking and wasn't available for my daughter. And today I just feel maybe our relationship would be so much better if at that time I had known what I know today. And I wasn't able to overcome the loss of my husband when she was eight years old and coming to a new country. So I wasn't available all the time. During the day I would take care of her, but at night I was, of course, drinking alcohol. And this was very difficult for the little girl. I took her to school, I took her to activities, but I was functioning during the day, but I wasn't there at night.

And many of these things you mentioned probably was missing in her young life. Are there any advice you can give to have a better relationship today with my daughter? We have difficulties.

We love each other very dearly, but we seem to have difficulties in communication skills. Thank you very much, Gary, and God bless you. You will help many people with your book.

Thank you very much. Chris, I think there are a number of our listeners who can identify with this caller. Not that it was exactly the same, but they're looking back on their life when their children were at home and realizing that in this way or another way they failed their children. And their children grew up perhaps not feeling loved, and consequently as adults the relationship is fractured. My advice to moms or dads who are in this situation is to do, first of all, what this lady has just done in the call. And that is acknowledge to yourself and in God's presence what your failures were.

But that doesn't mean that things can't be better in the future. And I think it begins, often it begins, by actually going to the daughter and acknowledging. You know, I've been looking back on my life when you were young and you just spell it all out. You just pour it all out to her.

Just what you shared with me on this call. Tell her how pained you are to realize how you failed her in that way. And give her a chance to respond. Maybe ask her, honey, how did you feel in those early years growing up about my love?

Because I have the sense that I don't know how you could have felt loved just by the way I behaved around you. And give her a chance to share with you her struggles through the years. And then again just come back and say, honey, I hope you can forgive me. I know I cannot erase all of that.

I can't take it away. But I do hope that you can forgive me for that. Maybe just say if it's true, I've talked to God. I've shared this with God. I've poured out my heart to God and I've asked God to forgive me for my failures.

And I'm hoping that you can find it in your heart to forgive me. It's that kind of approach, I think, that many times opens the door to the daughter or son forgiving the parent. And then, that's a very emotional experience or can be. Then we start speaking their love language as an adult because that daughter still has the emotional need to feel loved. And so you can even tell her, yeah, I read this book on children, the love language of children and the love language of adults. And I just, I want to be, the rest of my life, I want to be a mother that communicates my love to you in a meaningful way. That kind of discussion often can break down some of the barriers that are emotional barriers that are there and been created through the years.

So that would be my suggestion. Here's the other thing that her call did, Gary, and that is she was so honest about, you know, it sounds like she's really worked through this in herself, you know, seeing what happened. And her call gave somebody listening today the permission to look hard at their life.

Am I depending on alcohol or drug use or some other thing to get me through a hard time? And what is that doing to the people around me? When you're honest about that, it helps other people say the truth about their own lives, doesn't it? Well, I think that's true, Chris.

And I think, let's face it, there's no question about it. In our country, thousands of people turn to alcohol in the midst of stress, whatever the stress factor is. It's their kind of relief, you know, but what happens is, of course, it affects negatively the relationships in the family, always affects them negatively. So the sooner we can discover that and change that behavior and apologize for that behavior, the sooner the possibility is that we can begin a new path in our relationship. Our program is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, and this is our Dear Gary broadcast for January. We'd love to hear your question for Dr. Chapman. Call today and leave a message. The number is 1-866-424-GARY. This is not a counseling line. We won't call you back. But if you'll keep your question as brief as possible, we'll try to address it here on the program.

Call 1-866-424-GARY. Our featured resource is the book that started it all, "The 5 Love Languages" , The Secret to Love That Lasts. Perfect for Valentine's Day, by the way. You can find out more about it at fivelovelanguages.com. That's fivelovelanguages.com. Now, here's a husband who's struggling to keep his marriage together.

Hi, Gary. I've read a lot about your five love languages, and I just want to know I miss my wife and trying to do everything I can to make things work. And she feels like she doesn't feel that anymore, like she doesn't want to feel this way, but she does. I'm trying to do whatever I can to make things better. I feel so disappointed in myself in trying to do better for me, my wife, and our kids.

I know I've lost a lot because I've been working a lot and haven't been focusing on the right things. And now I'm barely, you know, starting to do that. I asked her to come and go to counseling for the both of us.

She's willing to do that. I'm just so afraid, and I just want to know what would be my last hope. What else can I do?

I want to try everything. I would love any advice you can give me. Thank you so much. Well, I appreciate this, Caller, and I think as a counselor through the years, my heart goes out to him, because these are the kind of people that have sat in my office through all these years. I'm encouraged by what I think he said, and that is that his wife is willing to go for counseling. That's good, because having someone outside the relationship help both of you understand each other and identify the problems in the past and learn how to apologize and forgive each other for those is a part of the process. It seems to me that he has read the Five Love Language book and realizes that he hasn't spoken her love language through the years, and consequently, she hasn't felt loved. She probably has feelings of it's not going to work, because her love, what I call the love tank, is empty. Often, it does begin with a confession and an acknowledgment of your past failures, but also a discussion of the love languages would be helpful. If she hasn't read the book, I would just maybe ask her to read the first chapter or two and let you know what she thinks about it, because if the two of you can look back and realize why we are where we are, that you didn't express love to her in a language that was meaningful to her, though it sounds like you were busy working and making a living and that sort of thing. But I think a discussion like that can be helpful, but a counselor can help you do that, so I'm really encouraged that you propose that to her and she's willing to go with you for counseling, because any counselor can tell you, when couples come and are open with the counselor, and open with each other, they can learn how to deal with past failures, they can learn how to change behavior, and marriages can be reborn. I hear that regularly from folks that I've counseled and folks that others have counseled.

So there is hope, and so I know it's hard, I know you feel like maybe it won't work, but don't give up, and as long as she's open, you keep working on changing yourself and loving her in the right love language, and chances are God will use your behavior to influence her in a positive way. The quote in that call that struck me is, I'm so disappointed in myself. And I think, men and women, but especially men, that the regrets of the past can get you so stuck that you don't move out of it, or you feel like, well, it's hopeless and I'll never be able to make up for the things in the past. So disappointed in myself can be a good motivator, though, can't it? I think it can, Chris, and I think when we realize that, I think the first step is just to pour out our heart to God, and acknowledge to God that we failed, because it's His Spirit that's touching us and helping us realize how we failed. And so, coming to God rather than running away from God, sometimes people feel like, well, God wouldn't have anything to do with me, I'm so bad.

No, no, no, no. He sent Christ to die for us while we were still sinners, the Bible says. So I think spending time just pouring out your heart to God, and then asking God not only to forgive you for past failures, but to give you wisdom on the steps you need to take at this juncture, because there's always a spiritual dimension in relationships. And our relationship with God is going to not only help us see things that need to be done, but give us the power to make the changes that need to be made. Our featured resource at the website fivelovelanguages.com is the book, "The 5 Love Languages" , The Secret to Love That Lasts.

You can find out more at that website, fivelovelanguages.com. I got this email today, and I want to hear your response to it, Gary. I've spent the last five years being a caretaker for my husband who suffered a stroke. He passed into glory in September of 21. We had been married 47 years. It seems I've lost my identity, wife, pastor's wife, caretaker.

So I'm at loose ends and confused. I miss him and grieve for him, but I'm relieved that he's free and healed. However, I have hope because I know and trust that God will not abandon me and has not, and that he has a plan for me. What would you say to that widow who's walking this new season of life? Well, first of all, I would commend this lady for her faithfulness to her husband, caring for him when he needed her. You know, in marriage, we never know which of us is going to be sick or come down with some dreaded disease.

And one of our commitments is in sickness and in health. And you will never regret having been a caregiver for him, however long that was before God took him home. I do think, obviously, you're in a different stage of life now. Whenever we lose a spouse, we move into a whole different framework of life.

And having invested a lot of time caring for him, and now it's normal to be asking, what do I do now? Because I've invested basically my life for however long with my husband. I think as long as we're alive, God has a purpose for our lives. And as a pastor's wife, you served in a role as a pastor's wife at one juncture along the line.

And God used you, and God used people in your life also to encourage you. So I would say, reach out, get involved if you're not already in a women's group. Not necessarily a support group, but a women's group that has Bible study and open conversation with each other. Because you need others to walk with you in this journey. And perhaps there are widows who also are going through something similar to you.

Maybe they're further down the road than you are. But I think reaching out to other ladies and letting them be a part of your life, and also asking God to show you, where should I be investing my time and my energy now at this juncture of my life? Because life's meaning is found in serving others. Remember what Jesus said about himself? I did not come to be served, I came to serve and to give my life a ransom for others. So you've been serving your husband. Now God has other people, other situations where you can serve him. So developing your relationship with God, being open and honest about your feelings because you're not going to surprise God by whatever you say to him. And just make this a time of spiritual growth and social or relational growth as you meet with other ladies.

Those are my thoughts. Many churches have grief programs. A grief share is a popular one around the country. And you and I both know Miriam Neff.

She has a website, widowconnection.com, where there are lots of resources. And then just story after story after story. So that connection can be had, and you can do it online. I think it's better face-to-face, telling your stories with other people. So another couple of things to add to what Gary has just said.

This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. I'm not going to play our next caller's voice because she asked us not to. But the question was about same-sex marriage, and it's not whether or not to go to the wedding. She's already made the decision, I can't go to the wedding.

I just don't feel like I can be a participant in this. But I love my, it's an extended family member, I love her, and I want to show love to her. And at the time that she called Gary, she was about to have a meeting with that family, which has already happened. But what would you say to a person who says, I'm going to go into a conversation with an extended family member who's going to be in a same-sex marriage, and I need to say, I can't attend, but I love you.

What would you counsel in that situation? Well, I think that is the position that most Christians come to when a family member is marrying someone of the same sex. We love them. God loves them.

God loves all of us. But I think we don't want to violate our commitment to what we believe the Bible teaches about that topic. And so to say, honey, I want you to know I won't be able to attend because I feel like I would be affirming this decision that you've made. But I want you to know that I love you, and anything I can do for you along the way, I certainly want to be.

I want to do it. And I hope you understand that. And if the other person knows you well and knows that you have a commitment to Christ, and you do that in a loving and kind way rather than a condemning way of preaching to her and saying harsh and mean things to her, that doesn't help at all. But to just be open and honest about where you are with your beliefs and why you can't attend, but that you do love her and want to be there for her in the years that are ahead. To me, that's the best approach for a Christian to take in that setting. Knowing that there may be pushback then. Well, if you love me, you just come.

You just be here. And then you can get into that argument, which it sounds like what you're saying is you can just kind of quell that and be able to say, but I'm telling you now, my convictions say I can't do this, but I want you to know that I love you and I want you in my life. Yeah, and I think, Chris, it has to do with the spirit in which you say that rather than a condemning spirit. It's an open spirit, an honest expression of your heart, and that you're even pained to see that this is what they're doing. Because it is.

That's where you are. And I think most of the time, the person who is getting married will accept that and will not pressure you or make you try to make you feel bad for not doing it. Yeah. So that's the couple of really, really important things that we're dealing with. But we're also dealing with more marriage questions. And this is from a wife who is dealing with a recurring problem with her husband.

Hi, Gary. I just wanted to ask you, me and my husband are having issues on him controlling me and trying to be my boss. How do I get through that? We've been together for 25 years and been married for 16 years. So I was just wondering what I could do about that. Thanks, Gary.

You're amazing. Well, this is a rather common problem in marriages. Sometimes it's a husband, sometimes it's the wife who has a controlling personality. That is their basic lifestyle, their basic pattern in the relationship is to take charge, to make decisions. And if the other person doesn't agree to try to talk them into it, and if they don't agree still, they do it anyway. And consequently, the person to whom they're relating, whether it's marriage or a friendship, feels that it's not a team here. They're a dictator.

They make all the decisions. They expect me just to say yes. And it's very painful emotionally being married to someone who is a controller and expresses that personality in the marriage. It makes the other person feel like a child. They control the money many times in a manner that the spouse has to go and say, may I have $5 to do this? And it makes them feel like they're a child. And the other person's the parent.

So typically, this kind of personality doesn't just change on their own. And you're complaining about it to them typically is not going to help them because they're a controller. And they will continue what they're doing and try to convince you that you're the one that's wrong.

I would suggest this. Tell them that this is a severe pain in your heart. Share your feelings with them and say to them, I am going to see a counselor to try to get help from me. I would like for you to go with me. But if you don't, I'm going for counseling. Sometimes when you take that stance and you actually do go for counseling, they will be more open to going with you for counseling, if not the first time, maybe the second or third time you go to see a counselor.

An accountant can also help you process your own emotions and talk about what else you might do that would be helpful rather than harmful. See, by nature, we just fight back. Someone who's controlling us, we complain about it.

We call them a controller. We say negative things to them about their behavior. And that just pushes them away as far as the relationship is concerned.

But you going for help, if they're not willing to go with you, would be a first step in the process, in my opinion. If you enjoy our program, be sure to visit our website, FiveLoveLanguages.com. There you'll find out more about Dr. Gary Chapman, his New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" , which is our featured resource. And you can hear a podcast of the program.

Find out about your love language. If you enjoy our Dear Gary broadcast each month, jump in with your question or comment by calling us at 1-866-424-GARY. I know we have a lot of singles who listen to this program. Thank you for that. Here's a call about singleness and the love languages.

Hi, Gary. I'm a single adult. And my question is, when, as a single person, you know what your love language is, and you're trying to pursue another individual that God is calling you to be with. Like, for instance, my love language is physical touch. And I obviously don't want to lead with that because that can obviously send the wrong message. How do I, as I'm dating, knowing what my love language is, guard my heart and protect myself, trying to find the right person. But knowing that physical touch, that being my love language, can be used against me, but also can be such a good thing also. I guess it's a loaded question, but how do I navigate trying to find that person that God's calling me to, guarding my heart, but also knowing that my love language, which is a very good thing and a wholesome thing. How do I navigate that, I guess, is my question as a single person.

Yeah, I think that's an excellent question. I would say, if the person you're dating, and it seems that you've dated them for a while, has not read "The 5 Love Languages" for single adults, I would ask them if they would be willing to read that and let you know what they think about it. That is, let the concept of love languages, let them discover it as they read the book, and then let them take the quiz so that you learn what their love language is, as well as letting them know what your love language is. And then you talk about what are appropriate touches, because if they know that your love language is physical touch, and you've discussed it, and maybe their love language is words of affirmation, then fine, you focus on giving them words of affirmation. They focus on giving you appropriate touches, but you have to explain to them what appropriate touches are. Because, again, we're individuals, we have different ideas on what appropriate touches are, but you're the one who sets the guidelines on what those appropriate touches are. And let them know your convictions in terms of not being involved sexually before marriage, so that they know that, and you know that. And if they go beyond what you consider to be appropriate physical touches, then you need to let them know that they've gone beyond the bounds, and we can't do that again. And you can forgive them for maybe pressing too much, a time or two, but if they continue to press you to move into a sexual relationship that you do not want to do, then to me, that's a sign this is not the person you want to marry. Anyone who would violate what they know to be your convictions about the sexual part of relationships is not a person that you want to marry, because if they would do that before marriage, they will also violate you after marriage.

So you're looking for God's plan and God's will. I think that approach will help you determine whether the person you're now dating is a person you should continue with and may be the person God has for you, or whether it's not and the relationship should be broken. It's really interesting to think about this, and I commend her for knowing this as an adult, a single adult, knowing this about herself and asking this deep of a question as she gets. I mean, I think that's fantastic, don't you? Absolutely. It shows real insight into what physical touch is all about and what the love language is all about. So yeah, I'm glad that she's asking that question, and that's why I think, again, communicating about love languages with each other and especially letting the person she's dating not only know what her love language is, but also letting him know what the boundaries are. Yeah.

Let me follow up then. Okay, so you are a young single woman, and you're in a small group or you're a singles group at your church, and your love language is physical touch. You are more apt to come along someone and put your hand on their shoulder or stand close to them because this is how you're made. Other people are made differently in this culture, in this milieu that we're in, Gary.

You have to be male and female. You have to be careful with that. So how do you navigate those waters? Yeah, well, I think first of all is understanding that your natural bent will be to express love to the other person in your own love language, that is what you want. And so consequently, you would more freely, as you said, pat them on the back or, you know, touch them in what is an appropriate way for you.

But keep this in mind. You're speaking your love language to them is not necessarily going to communicate love to them. You want to learn their love language and speak their love language, even though by nature we speak our own love language. So I think understanding that concept and then asking yourself what are appropriate touches for me to make to them because we don't just speak a person's primary love language. We sprinkle in the others as well because all of these are ways to express love. But we just want to make sure that we're doing it in a way that's not only meaningful to them, but also in a way that doesn't break our own boundaries.

Yes. And just a word that "The 5 Love Languages" , our featured resource, also has a singles edition. "The 5 Love Languages" singles edition is available.

You'll find out more at FiveLoveLanguages.com. Next up, Gary is a disappointed wife who has heard some really hard news. Here's our next caller.

Hi, Gary. I'm calling because my husband has filed for divorce and I was under the impression that he was committed to me for life. He is refusing to do marriage counseling, but I really feel that if we would talk through things, maybe we could work things out. I don't know what steps to take at this point.

So just wondering what I should do. Well, there are many couples in today's world where the husband or the wife says to the spouse, I no longer love you and I'm filing for divorce. Most of the time, if that comes kind of out of the blue, they're already involved with someone else.

Not always, but often that's the case. And if they're already involved with someone else, then they've got all these euphoric feelings that we call being in love. They've got all these feelings for this other person.

And consequently, that's what led them to make the decision. I'm going to divorce and I'm going to go with this person that I now am in love with. Emotionally, it's very hard for you to overcome that emotional attachment they have with the other person. And as painful as it is, you have to recognize that you cannot make them work on the marriage. Obviously, you wish they would work on the marriage.

And I agree with you fully. If they were willing to work on the marriage, their answers, yes, you can have a good relationship. The whole concept that if I'm not happy in a marriage, if I don't feel loved in the marriage, and then I meet somebody else and have feelings for them, that I'll never be happy unless I go with this new person. All research has shown that's not the answer. The divorce rate in second marriages is higher than the divorce rate in first marriages. The answer is not running. The answer is learning. Learning what we're doing negatively, impacting each other, and then learning to speak each other's love language, learning how to work as a team in the relationship. Marriages either grow or regress. And we grow when we're working on our relationship. We regress when we just let things happen. So I'm very empathetic with you. It's one of the most painful things a person can experience when a spouse says, I'm going to divorce you.

And we can't keep them from doing that. It takes two people to resolve things and work on the marriage. It only takes one person to create a divorce. So I would think that you would find it helpful to find a Christian counselor who can talk with you and listen to you and help you process the pain that you're going through right now. And I would let your spouse know that you still love them, you want to work on the relationship, and that you will be praying that God will help them have that desire, even if they do divorce you. Because many times, if the person's been involved with somebody else, and then they get married, and they're going to come down off that high sooner or later. And sometimes they realize it and want to come back. But at any rate, it's a very difficult, very painful experience. So don't put yourself down. If you recognize your failures, certainly you can apologize for your failures. They may say, Well, I'll forgive you, but I'm still going to divorce you. When they've made up their mind, and they come to the point where they actually tell you they're going to divorce and they actually take the steps to legally do that.

There's not a whole lot you can do that will make them turn around. So you just need some people that will walk with you through this process and pray with you that God may touch his, in this case, his heart before he does that. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" . That's our featured resource.

It's subtitled The Secret to Love That Lasts. Again, you can find out more at fivelovelanguages.com. Again, if you'd like to ask a question of Dr. Chapman, 866-424 Gary. I mentioned a little earlier, you know, if you're in the car, pull over so that we don't get the road noise. In this next call, you're going to hear some of that, but I'm so glad that our listener called in. You can hear the depth of his question after a big change in his life.

Hi, Dr. Chapman, how are you? My biggest question is me and my wife are two different cultures. She's Mexican. I'm white.

I'm from Alabama. She's from California. We just moved out to California here recently and it seems like whatever we got out there, her personality changed from when we were in Alabama. And it seems like she don't love me anymore. She don't want to be with me anymore. My biggest question to Dr. Chapman is how do I stay positive and try to try to make this relationship? I make it work, but I want it to work. We have two children and I want to be together with her forever. And I just need to know how do I stay positive to make this relationship work and keep doing my love languages and what all I need to do to stay positive, Mr. Chapman. And I would love your input, sir.

Please get back with me. Thank you so much. I'm glad this caller took time to share this desire to work on the marriage with us. It's always a Christian thing to want to work on the marriage. And apparently he already is aware of the love language, probably already knows her love language.

I would say continue speaking that to the best of your ability. Ask your wife if there are things in your life and your relationship with her that need to be changed or that were a factor in bringing her to the place where she's saying she doesn't want to work on the marriage. She probably does have some things there. She may have shared them. She may not have shared them. But to ask her, where from your perspective have I failed in our relationship?

Because I really want to be the husband that you would want to have. So opening yourself up to what comments she might have and then asking God to help you make changes that may need to be changed. Again, you can't make her turn around, but you can let her know that you very much love her.

And in any way you have failed her, you want to apologize for it. I think if she would go with you for counseling, that would be probably the most positive thing that could happen because there with a third person counselor, you can come to understand her better. She can understand you better and the counselor can help you take steps because a relationship doesn't just get better with the passing of time.

It gets better when we are understanding ourselves and understanding the dynamics in our relationship that have brought us to this place and then being open to make changes. And since you've moved back to California, which was her home, it may be that she has old friends there whom she perhaps dated in high school or something else that she's reconnected with and with whom she has a cultural identity. And this is pulling her to think I'd be happier with this person that I dated in high school. So that may be a factor of what's going on here.

Again, if she would go for counseling, a counselor can help discover that and can help her walk through that because many times when a person does that, they realize years later that the person they dated in high school is not the person they are now. But that could be a factor. I'm just raising that as a possibility.

The old Facebook romances as well as moving. You know, moving is, other than death, moving is a really big stressor on a relationship and on a marriage. So there's a lot of things that are factored in here, I would think, right? Yeah, absolutely. And his lifestyle and his background growing up in Alabama in a white community, her being from Mexico with the Mexican culture, the cultures are different. And so sometimes that figures into the problem. And it doesn't mean we can't have a good relationship.

It means we have to understand cultural differences and learn how to work together. Well, we have one final question here, Gary, and I don't know that we've ever gotten this before. It seems I say that on every program because we get some really good questions here. But our final call concerns the love languages, but there's a spiritual twist to the question.

Hi, Gary. I just want to say God bless you and your ministry. Me and my wife have read "The 5 Love Languages" for married couples.

When I was single, I read the single version. And I just really thank you and very grateful and thankful for your ministry. My question is, in the realm of these five love languages, I know our Lord Jesus, he said that to die for another, to die for one's friend, is the greatest love. And so my question is, where does the love of Jesus fall within these love languages? Thanks.

Have a wonderful day, Gary. God bless. That's a question that led me to write a book called God Speaks Your Love Language. Because people kept asking me, what is Jesus' love language? Or what is God's love language? And we know Jesus is God. Because he said, you've seen me, you've seen the Father.

We're one. So it is a question, I think, that will come to the mind of Christians when they think about the love languages. And what I discovered is, God speaks all five love languages fluently. In the Old Testament, you'll find them.

And in the New Testament, in the life of Jesus, you'll find them. Jesus expressing all of these love languages. Let's face it, if we're made in God's image, it would be logical that God would speak all these languages that make us feel loved. So I don't think God has a primary love language, but I think you read the Scriptures, you'll see all five of them being expressed by Jesus, all five being expressed by God in the Old Testament as well.

And here's another factor, just for your information. We tend to be drawn to Christ because of seeing him speak our love language. For example, physical touch people, if this is their love language, they will likely have a very dramatic conversion experience.

It'll be like Saul on the road to Damascus. I mean, you hear people say, I was just sitting there in church, and I heard this song, and all of a sudden, I started weeping, my body started shaking, and I knew God was speaking to me. Well, not everybody has that kind of experience. But if physical touch is your language, you probably did have that kind of experience if you're a Christian.

So just an insight on that. And then once we become Christians, we tend to express our love to God, most often, most naturally, in our own love language. So if physical touch is our language, we're the ones that just freely raise our hands when we sing. We may move our body back and forth as we sing. We may get on our knees to pray physically, and we respond into God with our bodies. So it's a really fascinating study. The name of the book, again, is God Speaks Your Love Language. I think you may find it to be a really exciting reading. And as you're talking, Gary, I'm thinking about Jesus touching the leper, for example, a person who would never be in that culture.

You'd never touch anybody like that. And here he is, breaking all these rules and reaching out and touching. And then I think of, you go through all of the love languages, quality time.

You know, the time spent with the disciples just walking on the road and talking and doing life together, that's what he was committed to. So they're all there, aren't they? They're there, and they're there clearly, and they're there over and over again, Chris. Well, before we conclude today, I want to give you that number where you can leave a question for Dr. Chapman. Maybe you've heard him answer a question here today and you want to follow up with something, or you have a situation in your own family.

1-866-424-GARY, 866-424-GARY for any question or comment you might want to leave. We'd love to hear from you today. And don't forget to check out our featured resource, Five Love Languages, the secret to love that lasts.

Go to FiveLoveLanguages.com. And coming up next week, the final lap in your life's race can be your best. Robert Woggemith talks about the gun lap in one week. A big thank you today to our production team, Steve Wick and Janice Todd, Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman as a production of Moody Radio in Chicago, in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.