1148. The Usefulness of Singleness pt. 1

Welcome to The Daily Platform from Bob Jones University in Greenville, South Carolina. The school was founded in 1927 by the evangelist Dr. Bob Jones Sr. His intent was to make a school where Christ would be the center of everything so he established daily chapel services.

Today that tradition continues with fervent biblical preaching from the University Chapel Platform. Today on The Daily Platform, we're continuing a study series entitled Divine Design, which is a study of biblical manhood and biblical womanhood. Today's message on singleness will be preached by Dr. Alan Benson, Vice President for Student Development and Discipleship. Well we come today to the topic of singleness. And actually what I'm going to do is in the next two Mondays, I am going to deal with singleness and marriage. And as you heard in between, tomorrow we're doing split sessions on dating. And really we come to this window in our series on Divine Design, and after wrestling and working and studying and all of those things, I really am just super burdened to be really, really helpful.

That's really what I want to come out of these messages. And so I've really wrestled with where to go with the issue of singleness and the timeframe that we have. And as you know, it's not a simple subject, right? There's all kinds of questions in singleness about what do I do, what should I do, is it permanent, is it not? And I've really wrestled through all of that and came down to the place where what I decided to do is I'm going to focus today really as I talk about the usefulness of singleness on three primary topics. All of which really, if I were going to speak at a single retreat, I would have full messages on. The theme of singleness is really something we could spend a semester on if we chose to.

So what I've done is I'm actually going to try today to touch the mountain peaks in a flyover. But I have produced for you normally where you would find your discussion guide. I've produced for you my whole manuscript. And so there's a whole lot more detail there that I hope you will go and read.

There's 23 pages there with Scripture put right in it for you so that if I touch a section and you have a question, I want you to go there and read it. And then I really want to make another invitation. I want you to come and dialogue with me. I will do the Q&A tonight at six o'clock, and I really want you to come dialogue with me. Come ask your questions. And so I want to invite you to come and join me in Levinson Hall for that session. The first thing I want us to do is really come to the place where we have a call to understanding.

And I think that's something we need on both directions. God has done an incredibly beautiful thing in building His church. In her future expression in Heaven, she is a multifaceted, multifagric, beautifully woven, and intricately made tapestry of every people and tribe and tongue and nation. She's made up of people of every physical attribute, mental capacity, economic demographic, and racial distinction. God Himself has put us together by His grace and for His glory.

And we couldn't have done it by ourselves. It's a work that God Himself has done and is doing. The church really only exists because of the creative handiwork of God alone and His redemptive purposes and to have a people for His name's sake. But even as I say that, there's an interesting and often forgotten about distinction in the makeup of the church that crosses over all the other demographics, but isn't thought about as often as it should be and even more pressing, isn't thought about the way that it should be. And it is the demographic of singleness. One author, Sam Albury, writes this, much of what we commonly assume about singleness, that it is primarily about the absence of good things like intimacy, family, or meaningful ministry, is either flat out untrue, or at the very least, shouldn't be true. To be single, we often think, is to be alone and spiritually hindered. But the Bible paints a very different picture of singleness.

And he says this, it is a positive gift and blessing from God. You see, as believers, we really in the body of Christ need to steward one another. God calls us to those kind of relationships and often we don't think of relationships that way, but God has entrusted us to one another.

It is no accident that you find yourself in a residence hall room with two people that maybe you never knew before. God is calling you to steward those relationships. There will be things that you learn in that setting that no one else may learn at this juncture in your lives, and God is intentionally calling you to steward those relationships. That's God's design, in fact, for the church.

It looks like the one anothers of the New Testament. We are to love, honor, edify, and exhort one another. We are to forbear, forgive, and pray for one another. And this one anothering demands real relationships. Those relationships demand knowledge and understanding. Genuine care doesn't just strive to know what you think, but also how you think.

We should want to know why people think and feel the way they do. It's that kind of understanding that enables us to steward well the relationships that God has entrusted to us. An important part of that stewardship, an often neglected part, is thinking biblically about this issue of singleness.

I'm burdened about it having been a pastor. I lived through the demographics of having young people come to church. I read a whole study called Making Space for Millennials, and it was about facilities making space for them. Where do they feel comfortable? Where do they fit?

What names do they use? But more than that, is there actually space in what we know as the church for those who are young millennials? Do they fit? Do they have a purpose? Can they work? Can they serve?

Do they have gifts? Where do they fit? And I become passionate about the fact that not only is there space for you in the church, but there is space in the church that won't be filled if you don't fill it. God has a purpose for you.

And that purpose is to be discovered during these days of singleness. 1 Corinthians 7, if you want to look there, I won't take you there right now. I'm going to reference these passages.

They're all printed in the other material that I hope you will go and read in detail. But in that passage, Paul addresses the topics of marriage and singleness. And so, he addresses the unmarried and widows. Singleness, verse 8. The married, verse 10.

The rest, verse 12. But as he does it, he does it in community, and I love that because it's not like, oh, here's that section of my New Testament that I have to read because I'm single. Or, here's now the section of the New Testament that I read because I'm married. Paul speaks to the church, and he sends messages to single people so that every body can hear it. And he sends messages to married people so that everybody can hear it. And he sends messages to widows so that everybody can hear it. God actually is communicating in community so that we hear what God is saying to other people so that we are able to better steward those relationships. One of the challenges when we come to topics like this is you sit and you're not married and you say, well, I'm not planning on getting married, so this is my time to text in chapel.

By the way, there isn't one of those. Or some of you are here and you're married and you say, aw, singleness, yeah, that's not going to be an issue for me. But you see, what the Bible says about singleness concerns the whole church, both single and married. And what the Bible says about marriage concerns the whole church, both single and married. And a proper understanding and valuing of marriage and singleness is absolutely essential for all of us.

And so I want to call us to understanding, because we are to invest in one another. You see, I believe that there is a vital role for those who are single in the church to play in, in prising and valuing and protecting the marriages of those who are married. And I believe that there is a vital role for those who are married in the church so that people who are single know that they have purpose and belong and they serve God and there isn't any class structure within the church over these issues. And so I want us to start by first rightly assessing singleness. And the first thing I think we need to do is pretty obvious, but there's a universal nature of singleness. How do you define singleness? So I went looking for a bunch of definitions. And what I found was almost humorous, so I'll just give you one of them. One definition reads, it is the state before betrothal and after the death of a spouse.

Wow, that's just like really helpful. That's like defining marriage as the state that exists when one is no longer single. It really doesn't tell us anything. Well thank you very much, I guess I'm single, right? But what is singleness for? What is singleness about? And we need to understand that singleness is universal. And some of us get married.

That really is, I think, the perspective we ought to have. We've tied so much, I think, to this concept of marriage and you'll hear me next week. There's a lot to be tied to the concept of marriage.

I'm going to make it very, very important. In fact, I will make it our primary human relationship. I'm not in any way devaluing marriage. But one of the challenges of singleness is that I don't live now because of what I think is next.

And if I don't live now because of what I think is next, hear me, you'll never be fully prepared for next. Whether that's marriage or further singleness. You see, all of us are single to begin with.

I hope that's obvious to you. Most of us who are married will one day be single again. And that's not because I think just of the rise of divorce. It is actually because of lengthening lifespans and the rise of disease. More and more people are going to live to be 80 and beyond and they're going to be single again for 20 plus years.

What do I do with those years? We often think of this in terms of what we need to learn, right? Is there a purpose in singleness?

And so typically we go to one end and we say, well, as children, there are things to be learned. But I really want us to think of singleness in a holistic sense. There is a purpose for singleness no matter how long in God's sovereignty He intends for it to last. There is a purpose in singleness no matter how long in God's sovereignty He intends for it to last. So there are obviously phases of singleness and I won't spend a lot of time here but there are differences obviously between those who are single again and those who are single to begin with. There are differences between those who are single in adolescence and those who are single in adulthood. So I want us to think in terms of the whole.

Think of it universally. If I'm single, what should I be thinking? How should I be living? What should matter to me? And so in light of that then I want us to see the usefulness of singleness and this is where we'll spend most of our time. So the usefulness of singleness. Singleness is a gift from God that He intends to be used to serve Him in unique ways with unique capacities. If we're going to serve Him well with the gift of singleness, we must rightly focus, and I'm going to narrow it to three things though there are many more, we must rightly focus on the issue of maturity, identity, and purity.

We'll touch those three issues. So let's talk about first of all the issue of maturity. The issue of maturity. Ephesians chapter 4 verses 12 through 15, and again I won't take the whole time to read that, but we have this statement from Paul to the church at Ephesus, till we all come in the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God unto a perfect or mature man under the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ.

That we henceforth be no more children tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine by the slight of men and cunning craftiness whereby they lie in wait to deceive. We have a very explicit passage of Scripture where Paul states the expectation of God that we are to be maturing and that that maturity looks like Christ-likeness. One of the challenges in the area of singleness and maturity is we're living in an era that is being marked by what they're defining as deferred or delayed or extended adolescence, and you'll see all three of those words. That there's this understanding that I have things that I need to do, college is part of the expectation, I'm going to do that, but I never got my time. I never got that time where, whatever your thing might be, you get to do.

And so, you know, I never really had that phase where I didn't have other responsibilities and I was so busy with classwork and that sort of thing, or you should be, that I didn't get to play five hours of video games a day. And you know, before I make any other commitments, I really want that time for me. And sadly in our day, it is that phase that is coming to define singleness.

And if that's what singleness is going to be for you for a time frame, I'm here to tell you that you might tragically destroy the maturation process that God has for you spiritually and socially. You see, just about every child born physically will mature physically. Every child of God born spiritually will mature spiritually.

However, we know that there are specific factors that aid or hinder human physical development, issues like nutrition. And we also know that there are factors that influence the spiritual development of God's children as well. And so here we find the divine human confluence in the area of sanctification and maturity. It is God that works in you both to will and to do of His good pleasure, and we are to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling. And so there's this divine human confluence in the process of sanctification. God is the one that makes it possible, and yet He calls me to exercise myself rather unto godliness.

Paul writes to the church at Corinth in 1 Corinthians 16, 13, and 14. He says this, watch ye, stand fast in the faith. And then he uses this expression in the King James, quit ye like men, be strong, let all your things be done with charity.

Quit you like men, I guess we could title that real men quit. But that's really not what he's saying. The expression there that in the middle of these four things, I think there are four modifying statements of that central statement of quit you like men is actually an interesting Greek word that actually talks about in the language there of becoming a man. 1 Corinthians 13, 11 says, when I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child, but when I became a man. So tell me what is he counteracting with the idea of man? Is it man and woman, or is it man and child?

It's obviously man and child. And so what he is saying there when he says act like men, or outfit yourself like men, or quit like men, he's actually saying don't be children, or if I can put it in the vernacular, he's saying to the church at Corinth, grow up. Grow up. Young people, there is an expectation all throughout the New Testament that all of us will give concerted efforts spiritually to grow up. You will not become more like Jesus Christ by osmosis.

It won't happen by accident. It really won't happen just because you sit in a Bible class, or because you come to chapel four days a week. At some point there's a responsibility for you personally to make your own spiritual life a priority and grow up. And what I want you to see is that where you sit right now in singleness, God is making that a priority for you. That God has you in these days of development so that you will grow up because there's added responsibility coming later. Whether that's the pathway of the gift of marriage, or the pathway of the gift of singleness, there is added responsibility, there is added opportunity coming. And so while you sit in these days, whether you've been single for 30 years, or whether you're now just single and sitting here in college, there's a responsibility that ought to burn in your heart that while I have these days, I need to focus on maturity. I need to grow up. So what is maturity?

It's an interesting question. One actually is I've been working on philosophy of student life, I've studied a lot. How do we know what maturity is? How do we get to maturity? And so I want you to think with me. There's one clear biblical model, and that model is the home. And in our home we know a spectrum that has a beginning and an end. The spectrum of me working with children and bringing them to the place where ultimately they are mature begins with one tool.

It is the tool of obedience. That's where I start with my child. I'm going to teach them right from wrong. I'm going to teach them better and best. I'm going to teach them to make right choices, and I'm going to use the tool of obedience. And along the way, relationally, I will be sprinkling in another tool, and that is the tool of honoring. And by the time we get to the end, I hope to leave them with honoring, because they'll be in a place probably where they're not going to obey me. And that is the journey that every one of you are on. And if you think about the days that you are in now, most of you are not going to return back home.

Most of you will go on to get other degrees, you'll go on to a career, you will go on to marriages, you'll go on to other paths in life, and all of you are going to find yourself in relationship to your parents at the terminus, at honoring. I ask you this question, are you ready? It's easy to sit here in your heart and say, oh I'm ready! But are you really ready?

Are you equipped for that? You see, honoring is the volitional choice to elevate another and their wishes, their goals, their desires, and their priorities by intentionally showing deference in an area of preference. Honoring not only requires maturity, it produces it. Character is formed and developed as one learns to practice self-control through the demonstration of loving others. And so with the time I have, I want to walk us through maturity carefully. Maturity is a values proposition, what does that mean? I want us then just quickly to compare two ideas, and I really want you to ask yourself this question, is that what I'm doing? Am I ready? Are those changes I need to make? So we'll talk about a strict obedience model, just if you're obeying, that's all it is.

What does that look like? So think with me, expectations reinforced with consequences. Don't touch, or we know what comes next, whatever the consequences are, so I'm not going to touch right? It produces obedience which is learned through a cost analysis. If I do that, this is what happens, I don't want that, I'm out. Or reward may be the cost, if I do that, there's a reward and I want that, and I'm functioning with a cost analysis. And eventually I begin to ask myself things like, well, how much does that cost me?

And am I willing to pay it? And everything is done on a cost analysis. Can I tell you that relationships today are a disaster because people function relationally with a cost analysis. How much will it cost me to lie to you and what can I gain? That's how people approach their employers.

That's how people are approaching their spouses. You see, a strict obedience model activates the mind to evaluate right and wrong on a cost basis. What will this decision cost me or gain me? And as such, the reinforcement tends to be external and produces behavior modification. It's an external enforcement and I change my behaviors. Let me go to the other side then, what I'm calling honor, honoring. It is explanation reinforced with responsibility.

Here's what you need to be doing, and now I need you to do it. It produces maturity which is grown through a values analysis. What's the difference? You see, it activates the will to evaluate, not just right and wrong, but good and better and even better and best on a values basis. What is important to me? What really matters? And this process moves us from seeing that most decisions are not merely simple or unilateral, but are complex and have multiple outcomes and impacts that are causing us not just to think simply, but socially. The decision that I make impacts other people. How does it impact those people?

Do I care about those people? And as such, the reinforcement tends then to be internal and produces heart growth and change. Maturity is a values proposition. I think I've got that in my PowerPoint. Maturity then secondly is a vehicle for producing community and with this will be done.

I want to show you the same comparison. Strict obedience. Due to impacting the mind with a cost analysis scenario tends towards self-focused decisions based upon gain or loss. It produces a love that causes us to think mostly about how much I need you. It causes one to modify their behavior in light of that need. When handled correctly with a child, it produces a proper environment for teaching self-denial and the value of others, but when applied to those who should be maturing or who should have already matured, it produces a self-focus which will lead to manipulation. Either the authority will become controlling in order to get the response that it wants and that often looks like controlling behaviors such as anger and guilt and shame, or the one being trained becomes manipulative in order to get what they want because the artificial boundaries of command and control are viewed as currency to be spent.

Thus, the well-timed use of demerits at the end of a semester. Honoring. Due to impact on the will with a values analysis is others focused and makes decisions that are caring. It produces a love that causes us to think about how much I value you or how much you need me, and it leads to actions based on that evaluation.

It produces a relational focus which considers myself and others in light of what I value. And this leads to critical thinking which engages mind, will, and emotion by processing values and producing actions that are a result of choices that take into account what I value. I ask you, are you maturing? Are you actually thinking more and more and more about what do I have to do? Or what should I do? Are you thinking through the impact of those decisions? What is happening in singleness is this, that so many are saying, I'll become responsible when I get responsibility.

I'll take care of that when I get there. And can I tell you that if you do that, it won't happen. I perform somewhere between 70 and 100 marriages. Every one of them I do premarital counseling. Many of those I get to come back at a juncture and do counseling again. And what I hear in those sessions sometimes is shocking.

Can you believe that I would deal with a couple and say to them, what is the primary issue in your marriage that you're struggling with? And she says to him, you tell him. And he says, okay, I don't brush my teeth. And she says, that's right. And I told him, I'm not kissing him again until he does. You say, really?

Yeah. Or a husband who has a problem with video games. He doesn't understand why his wife is so upset. They're young, married, have one child. He comes home from work, picks up his dinner plate that she has made. And so to unwind, he wants to play a few video games. I said, so how long do you play typically in a night?

And he said four hours and doesn't see a problem with that. Young people, maturity is a huge issue for you in these days of singleness. Pursue maturity. Let's pray. Father, here's your truth today. Lord, I thank you for your word. I pray, oh God, that you would take the truths that you have for us and drive them into our hearts so that we respond personally to your working in our lives. In Jesus' name we pray, amen.

You've been listening to a sermon preached by Dr. Alan Benson, which is part of the study series about biblical manhood and biblical womanhood entitled Divine Design. These daily programs are made possible by the many friends of Bob Jones University and this radio ministry. If you appreciate these programs and benefit from the faithful preaching and teaching of God's word, would you consider sending us a special financial gift today? You can easily do that through the website thedailyplatform.com and then click on the Give button on the homepage. We'd also love to hear about how this program is helping your Christian walk. Please send us your feedback using the Contact button at the bottom of the website thedailyplatform.com or you can call us at 800-252-6363. We look forward to the next time as we study God's word together on The Daily Platform.