Abortion/ Adoption: Forgiveness

As we've said many times here, probably the biggest journey of my life was choosing to forgive my dad. I feel like I've seen more transformation in you since you've forgiven your dad. You were angry before, but there's something happened when you released that, that I feel like you became the man that God created you to be. But that decision was a long journey. Yeah.

And it's still a continuity decision, you know, just make it and then it's over. It literally, like you said, it transformed my life. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson. And I'm Dave Wilson.

And you can find us at familylifetoday.com or on our Family Life app. This is Family Life Today. Probably the biggest journey of my life was choosing to forgive my dad. And there was something that was holding you back.

Yeah. And in some ways you think I can never do this. I've been hurt too bad. And he doesn't deserve to be forgiven. And yet everybody has a story.

And I think almost everybody has to forgive someone at some point. And today we've got back in the studio with us a woman that's had an incredible journey. Your life is a miracle. And the journey toward forgiveness that we're going to get to hear today is a powerful story. Melissa Oden, welcome back to Family Life Today.

Thank you. We're glad to have you back. This is day three with you. Walking through your life story that's also in your book, you carried me. And just to remind our listeners, if you missed any of the last two days, I'm telling you, just hit pause right now. Go back and listen to part one, part two, because today is building on what we've heard.

We are literally looking at a woman who was an abortion as a little baby that nobody wanted. And you survived. It's an incredible story.

Again, you've got to go listen to how it happened. And we've heard even all the way up to your teenage years where you start to find out sort of the rest of the story. So walk us into now your journey of trying to find your identity. How did you crawl out of that to get to a place where you're now a mom with two little girls and you are an advocate for life around the world? I mean, you're a powerful spokeswoman for that. But that didn't start today.

It started way back. Take us back to teenage years and how you stepped into where you are today. At 16 years old, you're asking the question, who am I? Yeah. And I think we all ask ourselves that question, even if we're 44 or we're still going, who am I? But I think that's where the answer rests in. Our identity comes in Christ.

Yes. I know that's an easy thing to say and it's a whole other thing to live. But when you figure that out, that's where the joy comes and the purpose. And then nothing is going to sway me. Nothing that the world has to say to persecute me or shame me. Those things don't stick.

You know, they can still sting a little bit some days. Walk us back to that teenage girl when you still didn't know who you are. What were the lies you were hearing in your own head? Yeah, that I didn't matter. That no one would ever want to hear my story that I shouldn't share my story because this was something to be ashamed of and it might hurt other people, might make them angry.

You know, it's controversial. What was because you lived. Exactly. But we do.

We have those tapes that run through our head. And I had fear, I had such deep-seated fear of other people knowing who I was and judging me. And yet it's not anything you did. Right. But you still had that fear.

Oh, yeah. So did you try to keep it quiet? I mean, not let people know? By and large, I talked about it a little bit.

I went to a public school and they allowed me to talk about abortion. You know, I look back at that and go, wow, that probably wouldn't happen today. I mean, maybe. And you did. And I did. And I will never forget I left a chair open in the classroom for students to see this is what this means. When we talk about abortion, it means that this chair would have always been empty and you never would have known me. Decades later, I still have people contact me from that class and say, I still remember that speech you gave. Oh, really?

Because you're a person. Yeah. Yeah. And we do matter.

Yeah. Even when we may not feel like it some days. And it's such a lie of the enemy of our soul, isn't it? I think that most of us maybe Dave hasn't, but I have like your life doesn't matter. You don't matter. You don't have any gifts, especially if we've had any kind of trauma, sexual abuse. Maybe you've been divorced. Maybe you've had physical abuse for any kind of abuse or a situation of trauma.

And even if you haven't, we still ask that question. Who am I? Am I worth anything? And God, you're saying is continually speaking that out of saying you do matter.

Well, and it's so tough, isn't it? Especially in our world today, the rest of the world wants to tell us, well, you know, you need to be this, that and the other thing. And, you know, scroll on Instagram, jump on Facebook, and they're going to show you who you should be and where your worth comes from.

No, no one is ever going to find their identity in those pages. How did you find your identity? Knowing that God made me who he made me to be, and he doesn't make mistakes. He knew who I was before I ever came into existence. There is so much peace to be found in that. You know, my youngest daughter was born with a lot of health issues, and the night before her birthday this year, I was praying with her.

And I had said, you know what? God made you to be the most amazing young lady. And she starts naming off some things. Even, Mama, the holes in my heart. Baby, even the holes in your heart. God made no mistakes with you. And the next morning on her birthday, she starts muttering to me right away, Mommy, don't you just love how God made me to be who he made me to be, even the holes in my heart?

Yes, ma'am. Those are the words we speak over our kids. That matters, and they remember that. And to give them a hope for the future, like, I can't wait to see all that God has for you.

It makes them anticipate, like, oh, what does he have for me? Yeah, that's beautiful. Well, it's interesting, you know, in your book on page 80, at the end of chapter 7, you write about discovering you were looking in the wrong place for your identity.

Yeah. Give the listener a little backstory, because you reach out to your biological grandparents, right? To try and find your mom. Connect the dots, because it's pretty amazing how you discover sort of your history. Yeah, so go from, you know, being this really struggling, unsure of my identity, trying to slap on identity, kind of teenager, to, you know, forgiving my biological parents for the first time. And that's my journey, too. It is not a one-time event. You don't just get to show up and go, cool, we're good.

No. Forgiveness is a daily decision that I make in the world that we live in, and finding out more about my experience, everything I learn, I forgive again. And it may not be immediate. You have to work through those emotions that come up, the anger, the resentment, whatever it is.

And because you don't know the backstory, all you know is that your birth mom tried to kill you. Yeah. That's a hard one to forgive.

Yeah. And for me, though, you know, it was really seeing their humanity, and knowing I fell short in the eyes of God every single day, and yet he loves me. Boy, you talk about grace. For you to be able to say that, seeing their humanity, your mom tries to abort you, your grandmother is in the room.

She's the nurse in the room. I mean, you talk about that's, I mean, it's just so horrific to think, that's my mom and my grandmother, and I have to choose to forgive them. It's the gospel. It is. They don't deserve your forgiveness, and yet God forgave you, and you're going to forgive them. Yeah. And our world has it all mixed up. What do you mean? Saying that some people deserve to be forgiven, and some people don't.

You know, if we turn to our culture for the answer, we're looking in the wrong place. So that changed my life, and put me on that trajectory to look for my biological parents. Started looking for them when I was about 19, and it took me until I was nearly 30 to find them. Oh, it took that long. Yeah, it was kind of, this could have been a short search. I actually had some paperwork that had their birth dates on it, but lo and behold, right before I started looking for them, I couldn't find the paperwork.

I mean, that's okay. God was there in those details, and I would learn a little bit. I mean, I did everything, looking through old newspapers, going through old yearbooks. I didn't know their last names, but I knew a little bit about their family history, of what jobs there were, that my birth mother was a twin.

So it was this investigation, let's see, does this match this, and where might they have lived? And I knew where the abortion had taken place, but I didn't know if they were from there. So I spent 10 years piecing it together, and I actually found out who my maternal grandparents were right before I obtained my medical records. I found my medical records finally in 2007.

Most survivors do not have any medical records, because we live in a world that doesn't want to talk about people like me, so they're not going to document our circumstances. But found my medical records, and in those medical records, they included my birth parents' names. That's how I learned my birth mother's name was Ruth. Had found her parents, and so I started kind of this next phase of my mission, which was to find Ruth and my biological father, Elliot. I learned that I was living in the same city that Elliot was living in. I moved there during my 10 years of searching. What'd that feel like? Like your dad could have been down another street.

It's just so surreal. This isn't the city next door. This is another state, right?

Well, it was. So I grew up in a little town in Iowa, and I moved to Sioux City, Iowa a couple hours away. So I used to go there growing up, but I never could even bring myself to go past the hospital there, because it induced that much just dread within me. So I knew God was calling me to move to Sioux City to finish my master's degree. I was going, yeah, okay, not going to be there that long.

It's not really a big deal. And then lived there for about 10 years to find out Elliot lives there. Started to learn a little bit about him and knew he had a family, but didn't know if he'd ever told anybody about me. So he never married your birth mom?

He didn't. And they were engaged. They had been dating four years. They were, and that story, now that I know it, is very heartbreaking for me.

The relationship ended, and they only spoke on the phone, I believe, one time after the abortion had taken place. And that was because Ruth was told she had to sell her engagement ring in order to pay for the abortion that she didn't want. Who told her to sell it? Her parents. So talk about trauma for Ruth and betrayal. She lost everything.

She did. And so this was a complicated journey to walk out. I sent Elliot a letter to his office just letting him know that I knew the truth, that I'm alive and well, that I was pretty sure he was my biological father.

I mean, I don't think there was any mistake. I look exactly like him. And let him know I would be waiting if he ever wanted to communicate. And sadly, I never heard back from him. He passed away about six months after I sent him that letter. I learned that from Googling his name on the Internet. But about that same time in 2007, I did find Ruth's parents and sent them a similar letter asking for them to pass long messages to her.

My grandfather replied to my letter almost immediately. He did? He did. He admitted my live birth was not the intention.

I think that was a pretty courageous thing for him to say. And, you know, sadly, he shared secrets about abortion that we know to be true for most women. He said Ruth had never told anybody about her abortion. And he said that they didn't have any kind of relationship.

They were completely estranged. And I couldn't put my finger on it years ago. They named off some things that had happened in the family, and I thought, hmm, I don't think that's it. We know what it is.

This is it. Yeah, now we know what that is. It's a forced abortion that their daughter didn't want, but they forced her to have it. Yeah, with a child who survived that they kept a secret for over 30 years. That has a way of putting a wedge in a relationship.

I would say. So that's how I ultimately found them. But I didn't really have any contact with Ruth until 2013. So I had some contact with her family in 2007, you know, finally loosened my grip on my career and, you know, the plan that I had for my life and really surrendered and said, God, if you are calling me to share your story, I will go. And I did. I gave it all up and some people thought I was absolutely crazy.

I had a safe, comfortable life. And I went out and I started speaking publicly and God has blessed us and expanded his vision for my life and given me so much purpose. But in the midst of that, he brought me to Ruth.

We moved from Iowa to Kansas city in 2013. And one of her family members reached out to me then because I had shared it publicly that we were moving. And they said, you know, we think there's some things you need to know. And that's how I learned the abortion was forced, that my grandmother was responsible for so much. And that Ruth did not know for over 30 years that I had survived the family knew they kept it a secret. And I know sometimes, you know, people listening must think, how could you not know? I know families with a lot of secrets and there are some that you don't tell.

And I would say this ranks pretty high on the list because once you start unpacking the lies, where does it end? But man, my biological family could have been so different. Wow. If they could have faced that initial. Yeah. Look what happened as a result.

The family was torn apart and they were thinking this will protect the family and yet it tore them apart. Yeah. And I think a lot of people can relate to that. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. So then how did you meet your mom? We started to email and, you know, pass them on letters and I sent her photos and you know, we had some really difficult conversations because she questioned how God could ever love her. She questioned how I could ever forgive any of them.

Go back a little bit. Did your mom ever tell you how she found out that you lived? Mm hmm. One of her family members saw me on a television show and you know, that was initially really, really hard for me because I had sought to find them for so long because I wanted to avoid that.

Yeah. I wanted them to hear from me first, but there's no way I could have controlled the fact that they kept the secrets that they did. And so she was so scared. Ruth was so scared, scared of me, scared that people in the pro-life movement would love me, but not love her. And so we had to walk that out for a number of years and got to know one another. And we're so much alike in so many ways. I mean, talk about stubborn. Ruth, if you're listening, you know, you know you are and it's okay. And you're saying you are too.

Yeah, we know it 120%. But that was a joy, you know, to just try to start living life together. So the first time that you met her at the zoo, huh?

The Kansas city zoo. Talk about that. I reached out, you know, we would text and send emails and stuff on a, you know, sometimes daily basis, weekly basis. But I really thought we were all trying to avoid being the first one to ask meeting face to face.

And so I thought, man, I'm just going to throw it out there. And I sent my half sister an email, cause she lives in Kansas city, which is also where Ruth lives. I mean, that's why her family reached out to me when they did to share those secrets and also say, Hey, by the way, you now live in the city that your birth mother lives in. So the city, I moved from the city where my birth father lived to the city where my birth mother lives.

That's unbelievable. And so we met face to face at the zoo because I reached out and said, you know, I'm just going to say, I'm ready to meet. I hope this isn't awkward for you guys. You can tell me no, if you don't want to meet. And the response back was yes. You know, yes, yes, yes.

We've been waiting. And so the first time we met face to face, I go back to this zoo regularly. We take our kids there and every time I pass by that spot, it makes me emotional because it's God's spot where his story of us being restored and reconciled the one another, that's his place. Little can people know when they're there at the zoo, but she had texted, my sister had texted me that they were there and you know, part of me wanted to run away because I was so scared, even though I knew not to be scared, but it was just, you know, it's hard. And so, yeah, close the gap, walked up to her. And, um, my half sister, Jennifer took Ruth's hand. And placed our hands together and Ruth said, you know, I never got to hold you. Those are those moments where you just can't really do it any justice to talk about it because it's just so sacred that you know, that that was God's plan all along. How many times did people thwart God's will in her life and mine? And ultimately God said, this may not have gone the way I initially planned it to, but ultimately we're going to get back to what my plan was for you. But I love Melissa that you had been doing the work of forgiveness. You know, that you didn't look at your mom with condemnation, but you looked at her with grace and knowing that we are all broken and Jesus brings us back together and redeems us and holds us together. And so for you to offer her grace and love was a huge gift.

Yeah. And that's the most important part. You know, my, my kids know our story, especially my 13 year old, she's grown up at my feet speaking before, you know, parliament and Congress and you know, you'll see a run for Congress someday. You remember our last name, not because of me, but because of her, but they know that more than anything, love and forgiveness are the storylines of our life, not abortion. And so my kids know Ruth as another one of their grandparents. I mean, they get to see her as frequently as we can.

Ruth is the first person to send a text on people's birthdays. She's the first one to send the gift. She is just so thoughtful.

I think the part that impresses me so much about her is she could be so angry over so many things. Oh, talk about resentment. Yeah.

Especially toward your, your maternal grandmother and her mother. Yeah. And she's still in that process.

If she was here today, she would say, uh, I know Melissa wants me to know that I need to forgive my parents, but I'm not there yet. Yeah. It's a journey. It takes time. Yeah. And the deeper the hurt sometimes the longer it takes. And man, you talk about deep hurt.

Yeah. And I know not every woman gets to experience their child being alive after an abortion. You know, I think we have to acknowledge that. Ruth is very aware of that. I wanted to ask you, what do you say to moms and there's dads involved as well, who chose abortion and their child is not alive.

You are just as loved as Ruth is. Your child may not be here on this earth to share that with you, but I am. And I think that's part of my mission.

Yeah. And there is always hope and there is healing to be found. You know, there's so many places that offer great healing ministry support to women and men after an abortion. Uh, there are pregnancy centers that offer so many different healing ministries that people can take advantage of. I'm wondering, would you mind praying just for listeners that are just feeling like this?

It's such an emotional topic anyway. And I'm wondering if you could just pray for listeners that are struggling. Father God, we just thank you for the opportunity to share life changing experiences, Lord, as painful, uh, as complicated as messy as they can sometimes appear to be. Lord, we know that you are in the midst of all of those things and that's where our hope comes and knowing that you have a purpose and a plan for every life, that there is no circumstance, Lord, that is too far gone for you. And so we pray Lord today, specifically for the people who, you know, are searching for you, Lord, may they see you and may they feel you, may they trust in you, Lord, even when they can't see what the next step is going to be. And we pray Lord too, for those who have been impacted by abortion, no matter what that experience is, Lord, can you impress upon their hearts that they're loved, that their life matters and that there is, no such thing as being unwanted, unworthy or alone in this world, Lord. And we pray Lord for all of us together to do your purposes in this world, to shake off the shackles of shame, to speak the words in truth, in love and be the salt and the light in this world, Lord that desperately needs it. And as we are salt and light, Lord, can we also be your heroes, can we also be your hands and feet with our actions and with our words. In Jesus' name we pray.

Amen. Thanks, Melissa. If you would like information about how to get in touch with Melissa Oden, all of the information she gave just a minute ago about her website and about how to engage with her on social media, find the website for the ministry, all of that is on our website at familylifetoday.com.

So it's easy to go there and find out how you can connect with Melissa and her ministry. We also have copies of Melissa's book, You Carried Me, a daughter's memoir available. You can order that from us online at familylifetoday.com or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to get your copy.

Again, the title of Melissa Oden's book is You Carried Me, a daughter's memoir. Order online at familylifetoday.com or call to order at 1-800-358-6329. That's 1-800-F as in Family, L as in Life, and then the word Today. Now I know for some of you, you have a lot to get taken care of between now and Saturday morning when we get up and open presents and celebrate Christmas. Well, I know some of you celebrate Christmas on Friday night, but again, the hours are short between here and Christmas and there's still a lot for many of us to do. We are hoping that on that list of things to do, you might include making a year-end contribution to family life today. If God has used this ministry, this radio program in your life this year, making a year-end contribution is one way that you can say, Thank you for how you have ministered to me this year.

In addition to that, you're saying, I want to see this ministry continue to grow and be effective in the years ahead. You're giving toward the future and toward effectively developing godly marriages and families. Whatever amount you give, the good news is it's going to be matched dollar for dollar up to a total of now $2.3 million. We've recently had an additional gift to our matching gift fund. We are praying that between now and the end of next week, we'll be able to take full advantage of this new matching gift. That's why we're asking every family life today listener to either go online or to call and make as generous a year-end contribution as you possibly can. Our website is familylifetoday.com, easy to donate online or call 1-800-FL-TODAY and donate by phone. When you do, we'd love to send you as a thank you gift a devotional book that you can use in the new year from Dane Ortlund, a book from the Book of Psalms. It's called In the Lord I Take Refuge, 150 Daily Devotions from Psalms. Again, that's our gift to you when you make a year-end donation today.

Do that online at familylifetoday.com or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. And please do pray that we'll be able to take full advantage of this matching gift opportunity. And we hope you can join us again tomorrow when we're going to turn our hearts toward the celebration of the birth of Christ. We're going to hear a message from Pastor Trent Griffith. Trent and his wife Andrea speak at our weekend to remember marriage getaways. He's going to point us to how we make room for Jesus in our lives the same way that Jesus had to be made room for when he came to earth the first time. I hope you can tune in for that. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Bob Lapine. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life, a crew ministry, helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.