Going All Out for Your Wife (Part 1 of 2)

Tony really struggled in his marriage.

He and his wife seemed incompatible and headed toward divorce. Focus on the family many, many times is just very encouraging. Very encouraging for us to stick together, to pull through, to work it out, to go the distance.

I'm Jim Daly. This season, help us give families hope. And when you give today, your donation will be doubled.

Donate at FocusOnTheFamily.com slash joy. Hi, this is Jim Daly and today is Veterans Day in the U.S. and Remembrance Day in Canada. A day set aside to pay tribute to all veterans of our armed forces, including those who gave their lives for their country. Let's thank them for their service.

I've never had the privilege of wearing a uniform, but I've had the pleasure of knowing many men and women in the armed forces, including my own brother Mike who served with the U.S. Navy during Vietnam. On this special day, I think of the words of Jesus who said that the greatest form of love is to lay down your life for your friends. So next time you see a veteran, let me encourage you to say thank you to them.

Pay for their coffee or their meal at a restaurant. Express your appreciation in some tangible way. And if you can, thank their families who also make sacrifices while their loved ones are away from home. Also, please join me in praying for our veterans, asking the Lord to bless them for their service and sacrifice.

We owe each person a debt of gratitude. When you got married, did you make a vow that included this kind of phrasing? For better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. Well, if you did, listen on to today's Focus on the Family because we have encouragement, especially for men who are keeping that promise. Anybody can be committed when it's better, but the test of commitment is when it's worse, worse than you ever thought it would be. Anybody can be committed when it's richer, but it's the test of commitment is when you lost your job or when the money's not there.

Anybody can be committed when there's health, but the test of commitment is when there's sickness. That's popular speaker Steve Farrar, and we have a message from him today on Focus on the Family with your host, Focus President Jim Daly. John, today's message will be a great one for men, but I want to tell women to stay with us because I think you're going to enjoy our guest as well. In fact, the last time we aired this show, a wife wrote in to say, Thank you for airing this message from Steve Farrar. My hubby has been making huge changes and doing all he can to implement these ideas. I'm so grateful that I stepped aside and let God work in his heart.

Man, wow, that is perfect. That's a great story, and what an important point she makes about allowing God to work in her husband's heart. That's so right, John. If you're a believer in Jesus Christ, you have access to the Holy Spirit, and he can create change in the heart of either of you. And that's a great source of hope to hold on to. So if your marriage is maybe more worse than better, don't despair. Focus on the Family is here for you, and we want to encourage you. We have resources, tools, counseling, and in-depth marriage intensives if that's what you need.

We'll talk about that at the end of the program today. And Steve Farrar, as we continue here, is the founder and chairman of Men's Leadership Ministries. He was a pastor for 15 years, but now devotes all of his time to leading men deeper in their walk with Christ and with their families. He's written a number of books over the years, and what we'll hear today is from his bestseller, Point Man, How a Man Can Lead His Family.

Here now, Steve Farrar speaking to over 50,000 men at a Promise Keepers event at the Charlotte Motor Speedway in North Carolina. A young polar bear was out fishing one morning with his dad. Not a lot was happening, and as they were waiting for a bite, the young polar bear said, Dad, can I ask you a question?

His father said, Well, sure, son, what is it? He said, Dad, am I 100 percent polar bear? His dad said, Well, sure, you're 100 percent polar bear. I'm 100 percent polar bear, my folks 100 percent polar bear, my grandparents. All the way up the line, you're 100 percent. Your mother, she's 100 percent polar bear.

Her folks, her grandparents. Both sides, son, you're 100 percent polar bear. Then he thought for me, he said, Son, why would you ask if you're 100 percent polar bear? A little guy looked at his dad and he said, Dad, I'm freezing out here. Hey, how many of you guys are 100 percent married?

Let me see your hands. All right, that's great. You know, sometimes even though we're 100 percent married, we don't always feel married. I heard about a guy recently in Dallas where I live, and he had a horrible week. On Monday, he found out a deal he'd been working on for several months, and he'd been counting on, fell through. He wasn't going to get the commission. On Tuesday, he missed a major deadline because of some things beyond his control. His boss got on him. By Wednesday, all he wanted to do was just survive till Friday. Things just kept getting worse. And all he wanted to do is he said in his office Wednesday afternoon, he said, I just want to make it to Friday. I want to get home, have some dinner, and watch the ball game. Well, he finally made it to Friday.

Things did get worse. He's in traffic going home. It's gridlock. It's like he's coming to Promise Keepers.

It's unbelievable. He walks in the door, finally gets home, walks in the door, and there's his wife standing there, and she's all dressed up, obviously, ready to go. And she can tell by his face he doesn't have a clue. And she said, sweetheart, you obviously forgot we're having dinner with the Wilsons. He said, oh, no. He said, I don't want to. She said, sweetheart, we've canceled twice.

We have to go. He said, okay, let me just get a quick shower and a shave. Why don't you pull the car around front and we'll go?

She said, fine. He gets in the shower, shaves, he walks out, and his wife is standing by the car, next to it, and the car's running. She's got a strange look on her face, and she says, sweetheart, I'm sorry, I locked the keys in the car. Well, you know what? That was it. The guy just lost it.

You guys ever heard of something called displaced anger? All the anger from what had happened at the office that week just came out on his wife, and he looked at her and he said, you know, he said, honey, I don't know how God could make someone so beautiful, yet so cotton-pickin' stupid. A harsh thing to say. But she knew this guy, and she knew he was under pressure, and she said, well, sweetheart, I'm sure it's for our benefit. He looked at her and she said, you know, I believe God made me beautiful so you could love me, and he made me stupid so I could love you. I couldn't believe it when Mary said that to me.

You know, gentlemen, this is great to see all these guys here in Charlotte, North Carolina. It's great to see what God is doing. And gentlemen, we all need to understand something, that as we gather here, if you're a guy who loves your wife, if you're a guy who loves your kids, you need to understand that as you follow Christ, you need to understand, my friend, that we're at war. The Scriptures have told us in Ephesians chapter 6, the church has always been at war. But it seems over the last few decades that the enemy has trained his full assault forces on the Christian family.

There is an enemy out there who is very, very real. And there's an enemy, gentlemen, who has, I believe, a twofold strategy for every Christian guy that's in this racetrack this morning. He has a twofold strategy for you. He has a twofold strategy for me.

And just quickly, let me tell you what the twofold strategy is. Number one, he wants to alienate and eventually sever the relationship that you enjoy with your wife. It used to be our laws kept families from divorcing. But then we changed our laws and we've made it easy for men and women to leave their commitments. The Scripture says this, For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife and the two shall become one. That's God's plan. You and your wife are one flesh.

If you love Jesus Christ, there's an enemy who hates your guts. He wants divorce to hit your home. Now we've got divorce guys here. And I want to tell you something, I'm glad you're here.

Some of the most teachable guys that have ever been in my life are guys that have been through the heartbreak of a divorce. We're glad you're here. But those of us who are married, those of us who are remarried, we don't want that to happen. We want to be aware of what the enemy is up to in our lives. We're at war, guys. That's why I was in the shower one morning and I was thinking about the fact of the families at war and how many families are going down. And I thought about the fact that if you're a husband and father, you know a lot of you guys were in the military. Some of you guys were of my generation. Some of you guys were over in Vietnam. And some of you guys know what it is on a particular day to be chosen. And you're going to lead on that day a small patrol.

Maybe it's a reconnaissance mission. But you're the point, man. You're walking the point. And your leadership is critical to the survival of your men. Well, we're at war in this nation over the family. And if you're a husband and father, you're the point, man. You're not leading a bunch of guys. You're leading your wife and kids through the moral chaos of a nation that's lost its moral compass. And the enemy is trying to bring us down, gentlemen.

That's the fact of the matter. You know, I'm just curious. This would be interesting to know. How many guys here served our nation over in Vietnam? Let's see your hands. Why don't you guys stand up for a minute? Yeah, that's right. Now that's what should have happened when you guys came home. We appreciate what you did. That's right. Thank those guys.

We appreciate you guys so much. Now, you know, you just didn't have to be in Vietnam. Hey, you know what? There have been other wars. There have been other conflicts. Maybe you were in Operation Desert Storm.

You walked the point over there. Maybe you were in World War II. Maybe you were in the Korean conflict. I see a gentleman over here who was in the Civil War. We're glad you're here, sir.

We're glad you're breathing. Guys, the point is, we're at war. And here's what the enemy wants to do to every Christian guy in this room. He wants to neutralize me.

He wants me to keep me from leading. Our issue right now is on the marriage relationship, gentlemen. We used to have laws in this nation that made it hard to divorce. We were watching an old movie from the 40s, not too long ago, and the whole plot of the movie, the guy was a businessman and had a nice family, several kids, you know, beautiful wife. He got involved with a secretary at the office, decided he was in love with her, and wanted to divorce his wife and marry a secretary. But the movie was set in 1948. The whole plot of the movie was his wife wouldn't grant him a divorce because in 1948, if a guy wanted to leave his wife on a whim, the law prevented him from doing that.

And you couldn't do it in 1958. But in the 60s and 70s, things started changing in this nation, and we came up with something called no-fault divorce. About a year ago, my wife called me. I picked up the phone, and as soon as I heard her voice, I knew something was wrong, and she said, Steve, I've had an accident. When I heard that my wife had been involved in an automobile accident, I had two questions. Question number one was, you know what it was, are you all right? She assured me she was fine. Okay, we established that. Gentlemen, what was my second question?

I knew there were godly men in this room. Yeah, my second question was, Mary, whose fault was it? You know what she told me? She said, Steve, I'm driving down LBJ in North Dallas on the freeway.

About 55, this guy is next to me. And all of a sudden, just all of a sudden, these two cars, metaphysically on their own, decided to come together of their own volition. It was nobody's fault, Steve. I said, makes sense to me. I didn't say that.

No, when she told me she was stopped and that someone hit her from behind, it was clear whose fault was it. You know what, gentlemen? We can't make our spouses do what's right.

We need to be concerned about ourselves doing what's right. You know, gentlemen, this is called, I love what Swindoll said a couple years ago. He said, this thing is not called promise makers. It's called promise keepers.

That's what distinguishes this from the world. You see, guys, when we walked down that aisle and we made that vow to our wife, we said something like this. We said that we would be committed for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer. You know, gentlemen, anybody can be committed. Anybody can be committed when it's better. But the test of commitment is when it's worse, worse than you ever thought it would be. Anybody can be committed when it's richer. But the test of commitment is when you lost your job or when the money's not there. Anybody can be committed when there's health. But the test of commitment is when there's sickness. We need some men in this nation who are men who will follow through with their commitments. We need to see a revival in this nation. This is why God is filling stadiums around this nation.

He's looking for some guys to follow through and to finish strong for him and their marriages. Applause I have the privilege every year of speaking to three or four NFL teams. Every NFL team five hours before kickoff has a chapel service.

And earlier this year, actually last year in the fall, I was up in Wisconsin. So I did a chapel service for the Packers. And I was at Lambeau Field. And, you know, it's a great old stadium. I don't think they'll ever build a new stadium in Green Bay. There's just too much atmosphere there. But across the street, the Packers have built a beautiful multimillion dollar facility. Indoor fields, Astroturf, it's state of the art.

One of the things you'll find there is that they have some small theaters. People that don't know a lot about football have a misconception. They think football coaches and football players spend the majority of their time outside. Especially in the NFL, that's not true. Football players and coaches spend the majority of their time inside in the dark.

Why? They're watching film. Average NFL team, I've been told, will watch their upcoming opponent, they'll watch the last three or four games. And they won't watch it just once.

They'll watch it two and three times. One of those coaches will be in that film room at one in the morning watching that film for the sixth time. And all of a sudden he'll say, hey, look, look at number 66. Look at that guard. Every time that guy runs that sweep, look at his stance. Every time he runs that sweep, he sets his stance, look at his left foot. He sets up six inches back with his left foot.

Run it again. He doesn't do that on the other. And so he tells his linebacker, you tee off 66. Watch his left foot.

When he sets his left foot back, that's your tip, he's going to run that sweep. Why do they watch so much film? I'm going to tell you why, guys. They want to know their opponent and they want to know his habits. They want to know his tendencies. They want to know his weaknesses.

Let me tell you guys something. Satan watches your game films. And he watches mine. And he knows my habits. He knows my tendencies. He knows my weaknesses. He knows that when I get tired, I get irritable. He knows that I can be impatient. He knows that it's very easy for me just to fly and say a harsh word without thinking to my wife. I did that earlier this week.

I spoke in Atlanta four weeks ago and the same thing happened to me. Every time before I come to speak on one of these things about marriage, I screw up. I do, I'm just being honest with you. And let me say something about that. Gentlemen, the easiest thing in the world is to stand up here and teach this stuff.

The hardest thing in the world is to go home and live it out. But that's what we're called to do. Hey, I'm going to tell you something. The guys standing up here speaking, we're just guys.

We deal with things like you deal with things. That's why the focus here is not on any individual except the Lord Jesus Christ. He's the perfect one. He's the one we focus on here at Promise Keep.

How is it possible? The enemy is doing everything he can do. He knows my habits, my tendencies, my weaknesses. He knows how to drive a wedge between me and my wife. How is it that guys who start strong, how is it that they don't finish strong? It's because the enemy gets them off in their marriages.

Hey, you know what? I want to hit the finish line married to the same woman that I'm married to today. And you do too. And again, you may say, Steve, I've already been picked off. I've already been through divorce. I've been through two divorces. I've been through three divorces and I'm on marriage number four.

Well, let me say this to you, my friend. By the power of the living spirit of Jesus Christ within you, you make this marriage work. You implement the principles. Let's finish strong with our commitments where we are right now. We can't go back to the past. All we can do is go forward.

You see, we're talking about keeping commitments. In 1519, Hernando Cortez undertook a tremendous responsibility, loaded 11 ships, hundreds of men, and went to Mexico. He didn't know what was awaiting him, but he felt like there was treasure.

He felt like there was some conquest possibilities. They landed in Veracruz, and then the men unloaded their stuff, and as they were going up the cliffs and making their way, and they didn't know if they were going to live, they didn't know if they were going to be attacked, they didn't know if they were going to be diseases. But as they're going up that mountainside, one of the guys yelled and suddenly they looked back down in the bay, hundreds and hundreds of feet down, where they saw their 11 ships, and their 11 ships were all going up in flames. All 11 ships were burning, and there was not a thing they could do.

What happened? How did the ships catch fire? Cortez set the ships on fire because what he did, he cut off, he burned the escape route, he made sure those guys were committed.

They had to finish because there was no escape. Gentlemen, we need to burn our ships. Divorce isn't even in our vocabulary.

It doesn't even exist. What a great response from more than 50,000 men who were at a Promise Keepers event in North Carolina hearing Steve Farrar as he shared a heartfelt message about the importance of men showing leadership in their marriages. John, I love this message from Steve Farrar, especially since it flies in the face of what we hear from our culture. You know, the world says if your marriage doesn't work out, just get a divorce and move on. You deserve to be happy. But as we've seen over the years, especially since no-fault divorce became the law of the land, people are not happier after they break up.

In fact, the divorce rates are even higher in second and third marriages. So divorce is not the answer. Let's just burn that ship, as Steve said, and see what we can do to make our marriages better. And by the way, happiness is not the goal. As a Christian, godliness should be your goal, and godliness is something that you can pursue right now in your marriage.

In fact, it's an excellent place to start. Show your spouse you love them by doing an act of service, like when Jesus washed the feet of his disciples. You know, I don't always get this right, but I have a good example from a few years ago when we had a long-term foster care placement, and the kids were just toddlers. I could see Jean was getting pretty burned out caring for those two toddlers and our two teen boys, and so I encouraged her to go to a woman's retreat that Focus was hosting.

I bravely said, I think you need those two nights away, and I'll take care of the kids. Now, don't get me wrong. I was panicking inside, trust me. How am I going to do this over a whole weekend?

Am I equipped? But you know what? We got through it. We ate lots of pizza. I changed a few diapers, but it gave her a much-needed break, and I think that's a good example of an attempt to wash my wife's feet. Well, that is really commendable, Jim. I applaud you for stepping in like that. That really is an act of service for a lot of guys.

Sorry, guys. It is interesting, though, isn't it, Jim, that even though we have good marriages, we really have to be deliberate in our efforts to meet the needs of our spouse. When you think about it, it just doesn't come naturally. And it is easy to forget, for me, how Dina needs me to love her. I'm using Dr. Gary Chapman's love languages, I've learned, and over the years this has been pretty consistent. Dina's languages are quality time and service, and if she says, I'm going out for a walk, what I need to say is, let me go with you. She's kind of bidding for my attention and wants a connection, so part of me may not want to go, but I serve her well if I just say, yeah, let's set aside some time, we'll connect that way. But there is a natural friction between what I need to get done and what Dina needs from me, and my relationship does need for me to choose to nurture and to feed into her needs as much as I can. Well, you have to be intentional about it. Jean really responds to words of affirmation.

I mean, who doesn't? But for her, that is her love language. She blossoms when I give her those encouraging words, and the opposite is true.

Criticism is really painful for her and for people in that category. So if your spouse responds to words of affirmation, be careful when criticism or correction needs to be spoken. Yeah, and if you need help with some serious aspects of what we're talking about here today, get in touch with one of our Caring Christian Counselors.

They can offer a free consultation over the phone, and you can schedule that when you click the link in the show notes. And for marriages that are really struggling, ask about our Hope Restored Marriage Intensives. We have an incredible success rate, and I am grateful to the Lord for this.

Let's give Him the recognition. Over 80% of the couples that complete that program say that they are doing well and are much happier two years later when we do that survey. And many of these couples were on the brink of divorce when they first came to see us at Hope Restored. Here's a note from Janice, who attended just a few years ago. She said, That's great. She went on to say, Jim, what I find so fascinating is that is not an unusual letter. It's pretty typical of the feedback we hear from those who go to Hope Restored. And as you said, we're so grateful to God for how He's worked through those marriage intensives, that part of Focus on the Family. That's so true, John.

We have hundreds of letters just like this one. So if you're in that spot, if you feel like your marriage is hanging by a thread, don't hesitate. Don't be embarrassed. Don't wait until it's too late. Call us so you can get the help you need today. And if you'd like to partner with us in helping these marriages, please make a generous donation to Focus on the Family. We're doing all we can to strengthen marriages and bring families hope. In fact, over 100,000 couples say we helped them through a major marital crisis over the past year.

But we can't do it alone. We need your financial support and certainly we need your prayers. So please get in touch with us by phone or online today. And when you give, we'll say thank you by sending you a CD of this message from Steve Farrar for a donation of any amount. And you can do that when you call 800 the letter A in the word family 800-232-6459 or donate online and request your CD to pass on to a friend.

The link is in the episode notes. If you enjoyed today's program, please tell a friend to tune in next time as Steve Farrar explains more benefits of having a 100 percent commitment to your marriage, like the impact that has on your children. We need boys in America who have dads that they know in their heart. Their dad is thoroughly and totally committed to their mother.

If you want your boys and you want your daughters to grow up and have godly marriages, then you show them what a godly marriage looks like. That's our job, gentlemen. We're the point men.

We're the leaders. On behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thanks for listening to this focus on the family podcast. Take a moment, please, and help us spread the word about these encouraging programs.

Leave a rating at Apple podcasts or wherever you listen. And I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. I was shocked when she gave me the divorce papers. I was so done.

I had reached my breaking point. I was desperate for a shred of hope, so I called the Hope Restored team at Focus on the Family. They listened to me and they asked about what was happening in my marriage. They encouraged me and my wife to attend one of their marriage intensives for couples in crisis and they prayed with us. They helped me believe that my marriage could be saved. I agreed to go but was very skeptical that anything could help us.

But the whole environment was so safe and non-judgmental. I felt my heart start to open up as we worked with the counselors. Both of us still have work to do in our marriage, but for the first time in a long time, we have hope again. Focus on the Family's Hope Restored marriage intensive program has helped thousands of couples who thought that their marriage was over. Find out which program is right for you at HopeRestored.com