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February 12, 2021 5:00 am
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Man I knew my marriage was falling apart.
I just didn't know how to fix it. I felt like I would always be alone even if I stayed married at Focus on the Family's hope restored marriage intensive. We offer hope to couples in crisis so they can have the marriage they always dreamed that for the first time I felt like my husband truly heard me.
I received some great tools from the counselors of change my life and my marriage to begin the journey of finding health go to hope restored.com today. Early in our marriage. I had to tell her listen to a vicious not a lot of adventure left for men in the world anymore.
Okay, so please let me find my all parking space. Okay I want to do it by myself.
Focus on the Family said Cunningham is good.
Here's a really fun insights into how you can have a more enjoyable relationship with your spouse. Thanks for joining us today your hostess books president Jim Daly and I John four John Valentine's Day is just around the corner so this is a great time to share a message from Ted Cunningham because he wants to bring joy into your marriage. That's a good goal and I really appreciate that perspective and I think that mirrors God's heart for our relationships that Ted is the author of a dozen books and in this message.
He's talking to married couples about strengthening every aspect of their relationship, including physical intimacy, and given that last point, if you have younger children nearby. We do advise using your buds were listing later. View our daily broadcast app. Will this message is from Focus on the Family's date night challenge events and if you like what you hear today you can get a copy of the entire Dayton iDVD. We've got details in the episode notes here now is Ted Cunningham, founding pastor of Woodland Hills family church in Branson Missouri on today's episode of focus on the horses marriage should be honored by all in the marriage bed Pure. Now I get up in an independent fundamental premillennial King James version only Baptist Church and so I really shouldn't even be here tonight as you all got some anyway church in a moment taught me how to love Jesus. I grew up in a church in a moment taught me how to honor purity, but not necessarily how to honor marriage so you can imagine, seven years into marriage. One night my wife was in bed reading a book on how men think it's not a real you can read it in about a night and I remember her reading this book and flipping the pages I could tell she was getting more and more man more and more frustrated. I told her for years. The problem with our marriage is you read too much. You'd stop reading. We have a better marriage and she's flipping these pages finally sets the book down. Is that your question I need an honest answer.
She said have you ever struggled with lust towards another woman. Let me teach you something. You start by acting as though you didn't hear the question you ever struggled with lust towards another woman intact. You act as though didn't understand the question what you mean but then I knew we were going there we were going to have a long conversation about the way men think and we as we discussed this we walk into stores and anytime a woman walked towards me and would look right at me and I have the right to the ground the end of the week. Mr. story she comes up to me and she's loving getting some discipleship. I've been reading everything I get my hands on for whose first person she had to go here right, she had to find out what Beth Moore said about the subject. Moore said Jesus believes in him and tell you something right now Cunningham I will be your only fantasy day. There is a Hebrew term for that. You know what the Hebrew term is I'll match what I think Christians should be leading out in this husband and wife. The marriage bed pure we can have a lot of creative ideas in the marriage bedroom without bringing anything from the world into an all God's people said I don't know how far to go with him to start with the guys just to help you.
You and I care for you and this is possible world here tonight.
I want to give you a list on how to prepare your wife for a night of romance.
If you're not taking any notes. This is the time to start get your phone I start writing now because we believe in our home men or microwaves. Women are crockpot that's number one. We actually got handled. We called crockpot candle and when candles lit meets tonight night taught my kids to play with matches you guys like that thing anytime you want to be led and made okay. All the guys this is all day were preparing her for a night of roaming a number one it starts early in the morning number two did her nonsexual touch before you leave the house and asked TK Dr. Gary Smalley says you need 12 of those a day. And it's not 1-234-567-1112 you know what her nonsexual touch is right. It's the hair over the year. It's a hand on the back maybe opening the door and the hand on the small of the back driving down the road hand on the thigh holding hands a gentle kiss on the cheek as a nonsexual touch, okay, call her during the day is added to the list caller during the day for no purpose other than to connect with her. Just think how you doing just because I want to know I'm at work, but I'm thinking of you get home a little bit early, do something domestic you be like home. Get the dishwasher started the key here is you only need dishes in it just to the sound of the dishwasher going on something in my life I can explain it, but when I do any sort of cleaning around the house is when she just looks at me to communicate with words and were she looks at me like you're my man. The candle is lit download a lovemaking playlist. All this is good. We got some songs we grew up in the 80s. We got songs all I have to do. And if I don't need a plate of icing it. It's even better, and I want to give you permission to join me as I start singing the song okay so you know you listen all I have to do is walk into the kitchen and start singing this no swear jumps in the air I grabber off we go to see all this is building.
I try to help my brothers along in this because they're like, well, we don't really connect all day entire. She's working and nonworking doing the kids activities were get home at like to go to the kitchen about 9 o'clock in taproom you maybe want to and she says no you haven't prepared me right for a woman. Sexual interest is driven by energy. This is why you have to remove distractions in our home and we got a 10-year-old distraction and a 12-year-old distraction and most likely candles lit the runner on house and stay away from your mother go to your room right now.
I sense a certain amount know your to say nothing tomorrow. Your leave mom alone. Talk to her in the morning and come out of the bedroom after taking about a something like hey where the kids there safe.
That's all you need to know you focus you talk about your work hours. Take care the kids. You bring some candles into the bedroom and is with the latest insecure about my body will loaded in the far corner of the remake and squint for the guys.
Ladies, here's my list for you husband for romance show up naked. We don't need no calls during the day just to see how you clean your how dirty it can be. Marriage should be honored by all. Every single every married young, old man, all of us are called to esteem. Marriage is highly valuable. I think we got away from this next he verse in the Scriptures is found in Ecclesiastes.
I love the bookends of Ecclesiastes Ecclesiastes 1 life is art. Ecclesiastes 12 then you die. Why a lot of people avoid that book. But, generations, generations ago, but the earth remains forever. And then you get to chapter 12 and it's is what remember your creator in the days of your youth before the days of trouble can we say I find no pleasure in them is old age.
Here's the bookends life is hard. Then you die.
But in the middle of this book is Ecclesiastes 9729 it says this go and eat your food with gladness. Drink your wine with a joyful hardware and benefit from. I can convert. WE never did that part. It says eat your food with gladness. Drink your wine with a joyful heart for now God favors what you do, but not the independent Baptist, but God favors it always be clothed in white and always anointed with oil speaking their joy and festivity and then verse nine says this in your life with your wife all your miserable days. I love going to churches were Bibles, a close and I misquote that verse like that of say in your life, the likely result, they don't always get a few good what it says you know it says is the only place nearby board says enjoy life with your wife whom you love all your meaningless days for this is your lot in life and your toilsome labor in the sun.
In other words, you can enjoy life and marriage.
At the same time.
Part of the steaming marriage is highly valuable is reminding all of us that you don't have to choose between life and wife. I want to think about this for just a second. Just a second eHarmony, match.com farmers only.com comes on the screen. But think about the guy who sit at home right now in a bad marriage in a stock marriage or the wife in a bad marriage is stuck near to see the twirling couple on the screen you see him guy comes on, they found their soulmate. We have an algorithm that always just take a test put you with the perfect person and he's going look how happy they look there enjoying life. I'd like to enjoy life like that. Maybe again one day.
I did for marriage but now married and are promised we never took a test. Your culture really sponsor this idea the compatibility is something you find her something you test for and this is not compatibility something you create it so you learn to enjoy one another. You learn to be compatible.
My wife and I we are different. I grew up in a home. It's on savings with money put away for a rainy day.
She grew up in a home thought savings was a difference in the actual price and the sale price. Talk about but with our money were learning to become compatible, she broke the holidays we were compatible coming up again. My wife grew up in the White House right tree in every room. Garland over every door lights everywhere. My family decorated for Christmas on a commercial break. Does anybody know what I'm talking about dad would go to crawlspace pull out a 3 foot pre-decorated tree in put it on the deal, pull out the garbage bag weeks enjoy the world back to that's incredible. That's our but not my wife so you can imagine.
Every Christmas early on a specified time on get the 57 box down out of the attic is Christmas Tagore I'm in no mood to celebrate the birth of my Lord and Savior anybody with me in my finding ways to be compatible and here's one of the little tools that we picked up and accept picked this up for my friends Jason earls and John Brennan their comedians and they have what's called in comedy the call back the call back.
It's what makes your favorite comedian, your favorite comedians.
What makes your favorite click on your favorite succumb, and here's how work.
Something happens there's an event you put a little space between the event but then you bring the call back in at a later time. It's Jeff Foxworthy right anytime he says you might be a redneck will die laughing billing all here's your sign right those of the callbacks those guys have and we decide we need some callbacks in our marriage in order to enjoy one another by watching to the food you have any foodies in your limited hands of all the foodies okay. I'm not a foodie. What a foodie needs to go into a restaurant and you never leave. That's the definition of a foodie. Small portions big prices were in New York. She walks me into this restaurant and I sit down, like all this is going to be bad. I'm not getting enough food waiter walks over. He has a plank and there's a mint leaf sticking out the side and a mentally sticking out that Sinai asked is that the salad is this where were starting this thing and I kid you not. He says no. Here's what the chef recommends that you take the mentally you begin rubbing it over your lips and under your nose and on your chin just really begin to prepare you for the me I look over my wife totally in. I'm still holding mine. I told the guys that you know, I grew up in Illinois where we grew a lot of produce.
We just never once thought about rubbing it on our faces and I think of a husband and wife and root vegetables on their face other privacy and you don't even need to be here right he would leave so he would leave. I decide I'm aware this mentally bounce on hand it back to me takes it off, but now watch the call back as my wife knows that his is not a comfortable situation for me and I hear a guy say the semiauto say things like that's her thing.
It's not my thing but compatibility is her thing.
Becoming your thing and your thing becoming her finding ways to enjoy it. So here's the call back on that one.
Now when were at my favorite restaurant. They Cracker Barrel well all I have to do is lean over, grab a piece of her broccoli and go like that is ready to go. We become more compatible in this area to early in our marriage. I had to tell her to listen babe this is not a lot of adventure left for men in the world anymore.
Okay, so please let me find my all parking space. Okay I want to do it all by myself. I want to provide it for my family. She pointed spot three space then I drive 20 spaces down and cheese look at me with those eyes, stubborn, stubborn man, but not anymore. You know what part of becoming compatible requires an enjoying life together requires yet.
The fire one another is the source of life. Jesus is our source of life, not one another, so here's what we did not ask you to invite you to be a part of doing this with us on how you raise your right hand and lead up to McCoy this is a participatory part of the night. Raise your right hand.
Repeat after me. I state your name everybody's part of the comedy to her now, do hereby resign as general manager of the universe and my spouse and I watch this is the best partake your finger for the very last time that they are that have been pointing blaming your spouse for years for your unhappiness. Point your spouse for the very last time and say these words will set you free in Jesus say your fire you will no longer suck the life out of me. Jesus is my source of life, not you.
You keep repeating I'm teaching so you really get into that. Okay so stay with me were almost done for the night.
So now because we fired one another source of light no more. You will not do so now.
Guess what that does a turns conflict in the fun turns into that call back were able to enjoy one another even in the parking lot and so now we pull in and she point.
I told her the rules of the parking lot have not changed. I can from the foundations of the earth. God set up the rules. When a woman points out a spot automatically disqualifies that spot no longer an available spot so I go past or third space in 20 spaces down there. I said you know she does now. I love it.
She leans over and she starts massaging my bicep and she'll say this South and I can't fully explain it but it does some to me. You know what I caught her doing a couple years ago she knows of Andy's candies at the end of an Olive Garden meal are like crack to me. I love the she bought a bag of keep them in her purse for when I do something good. It was in the parking lot I received my first one she pulled it out. She handed to me. I have that out of her him open up and I realize my wife just gave me a trade. She is rewarding. My good behavior.
I was all right. I opened it up and I enjoyed it anyway that's turning conflict into a call back and if you just have to make the decision right decision to stay married) your character commitment flows from character, and character trumps compatibility, compatibility flows from your character and we have received some great callbacks from those out on tour. One of my favorite ones comes from a guy said my wife called me at work one day and the toilet was running and I told her to go over take the lid off the top and looked down the change probably on the bottom just reach down and grab the chain put it back in and he's explaining it to her and she was reaching my hand in this is, honey, it's clean water.
It's like the water that comes out of the sink and he has to talk her into it. So he finally talked her into reaching her hand in there, but right before right before she does she asking the question who am I getting electrocuted and he came up with the most brilliant call back. He said honey you have to unplug the toilet. First, thank you very much.
You grow Jim, what a great way this year encouragement for marriages and I wanted to. Besides, what to do there right at the end he had everyone resign from the position of Gen. manager of the universe and my spouse in bed that hits me right in the heart. I hope you caught that reminds me of the saying you can't be your spouse's Holy Spirit.
How many times do we try to do that. I think this is one of the critical challenges in marriage and Ted said it in a funny way, but it is deeply true.
We really can't change our spouse. Trying but we can change our own attitudes and behavior toward our spouse, especially with the help of the Holy Spirit. And if we take Ted's advice we can relax a bit and accept her husband or wife, and their flaws and hopefully they'll accept ours and work on those things that are within and John, I gotta tell you, this is a real recipe for peaceful home and I would have to take this message to heart. Next time I'm just itching to tell Dena how to load the dishwasher properly.
You know Gina and she does most of the grateful tour and I do chip that yeah I just need to let Dena do it her way and if I really feel the urge to say something to add in a little humor is Ted might advise. Yeah, that's right. And you know humor helps in any relationship, especially when things get tense. Well, you can start improving your marriage by creating your own date night event) home to get the date night challenge DVD from us.
Put the kids to bed and then watch it together and laugh together.
The DVD is over two hours long, and is hosted by Greg and Aaron Smalling features Ted Cunningham's entire message plus presentations from comedians John Branyan and Jason earls and let me just add a thank you to the faithful givers who support the ministry, allowing us to produce marriage strengthening materials like the date night challenge DVD if you haven't given lightly. Let me encourage you to join our team today to support marriages in all stages from engaged couples to those in the retirement years.
Here's just one success story from a listener. She wrote the Focus on the Family broadcasters help restore my marriage and I begin listening several years ago when we were on the brink of divorce I've been applying suggestions from your program and our marriage is now thriving. Thank you so much for being a channel for God's truth and that is good stuff. And that impact is thanks to faithful donors and of course the Lord working through all of us and I want you to be a part of this marriage building team the best way to do that is by becoming a monthly donor doesn't have to be a big amount. It's the consistency that really helps us month to month and when you partner with us with the monthly pledge of any amount I want to provide you with the date night challenge DVD and if a monthly commitment will work for your budget.
Right now we understand that we can send the date night DVD to you for a one-time donation of any amount and you can reach us by calling 880 family 800-232-6459 or follow the link in the episode notes to donate to the work of Focus on the Family and request your DVD and let me point out that the DVD is intended for mature audience. It's a covering topics of course. Of interest to couples and so if you just want what you heard on the air today request the CD or the audio download when you're online with us.
Check out our free marriage assessment. It takes just a few minutes and it's can help you identify the strengths and if you weaknesses in your relationship more than a million have taken this free marriage assessment it's online at our website. Take a moment please leave us a rating and tell someone else about this episode. Thanks in advance for doing that for now. I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time is once more help you and your family thrive in Christ. When a woman discovers her husband struggled with pornography.
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