Adding Some Spice to Your Marriage

Man, I knew my marriage was falling apart.

I just didn't know how to fix it. I felt like I would always be alone, even if I stayed married. At Focus on the Family's Hope Restored Marriage Intensive, we offer hope to couples in crisis so they can have the marriage they've always dreamed of. For the first time, I felt like my husband truly heard me. I've received some great tools from the counselors that have changed my life and my marriage.

To begin the journey of finding health, go to HopeRestored.com today. Early in our marriage, I had to tell her, I go, listen, baby, there's just not a lot of adventure left for men in the world anymore, okay? So please, let me find my own parking space, okay?

I want to do it all by myself. Well, today on Focus on the Family, Ted Cunningham is going to share some really fun insights into how you can have a more enjoyable relationship with your spouse. Thanks for joining us today. Your host is Focus President, Jim Daly, and I'm John Fuller. John, Valentine's Day is just around the corner, so this is a great time to share a message from Ted Cunningham because he wants to bring joy into your marriage. That's a good goal, and I really appreciate that perspective, and I think that mirrors God's heart for our relationships. Ted is the author of a dozen books, and in this message, he's talking to married couples about strengthening every aspect of their relationship, including physical intimacy. And given that last point, if you have younger children nearby, we'd advise using earbuds or listening later via our daily broadcast app. Well, this message is from Focus on the Family's Date Night Challenge event, and if you like what you hear today, you can get a copy of the entire Date Night DVD.

We've got details in the episode notes. Here now is Ted Cunningham, founding pastor of Woodland Hills Family Church in Branson, Missouri, on today's episode of Focus on the Family. Well, it is good to be here. Hebrews 13 4 says, Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure. Now, I grew up in an independent, fundamental, pre-millennial, King James version only Baptist church, and so I really shouldn't even be here tonight because you all got some...

Anyway, I grew up in a church in a home that taught me how to love Jesus, but I grew up in a church in a home that taught me how to honor purity, but not necessarily how to honor marriage. So you can imagine, seven years into marriage, one night my wife was in bed reading a book on how men think. It's not a real thick book.

You can read it in about a night. And I remember her reading this book and flipping the pages, and I could tell she was getting more and more mad, getting more and more frustrated. And I've told her for years, the problem with our marriage is you read too much.

You'd stop reading, we'd have a better marriage. And she's flipping these pages, and she finally sets the book down, and she goes, I have to ask you a question, and I need an honest answer. She said, have you ever struggled with lust towards another woman? Now let me teach you something, all right? You start by acting as though you didn't hear the question.

Have you ever struggled with lust towards another woman? Tactic two, you act as though you didn't understand the question. What do you mean? But then I knew we were going there. We were going to have a long conversation about the way men think. And for the week, as we discussed this, we'd walk into stores, and any time a woman would walk towards me, Amy would look right at me, and I'd have to look right to the ground.

That was the, for the whole week. The end of the week, this is a true story. She comes up to me and she says, I've been getting some discipleship.

I've been reading everything I can get my hands on. For who's the first person? She had to go here, right? She had to find out what Beth Morris said about the subject. Because if Beth Morris said it, Jesus believes it. And she said, I'm going to tell you something right now, Ted Cunningham.

I will be your only fantasy. Okay? There's a Hebrew term for that. You know what the Hebrew term is?

Bow bow chicka chicka bow bow. But I think Christians should be leading out in this. Husband and wife, the marriage bed kept pure. We can have a lot of creative ideas in the marriage bedroom without bringing anything from the world into it. And all God's people said, you're like, I don't know.

Depends on how far he's going to go with this. I'm going to start with the guys just to help you out. Cause I love you and I care for you. And this is pastoral care tonight. I want to give you a list on how to prepare your wife for a night of romance. Okay. And if you're not having taken any notes, this is the time to start and get your phone out and you start writing it down because we believe in our home, men are microwaves, women are crock pots.

That's number one. We actually got a candle that we call the crock pot candle. And when that candle is lit, it means tonight's the night.

I taught my kids to play with matches. You guys light that thing anytime you want. But the candle can be lit and it means, okay, we have all day.

So guys, this is all day. We're preparing her for a night of romance. Okay. Number one, it starts early in the morning. Number two, give her a non-sexual touch before you leave the house. That's what we call an NST. Okay.

Dr. Gary Smalley says you need 12 of those a day and it's not one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve. You know what a non-sexual touch is, right? It's the hair over the ear. It's a hand on the back. Maybe opening a door and the hand on the small of the back, driving down the road, a hand on the thigh, holding hands, a gentle kiss on the cheek. That's a non-sexual touch. Okay. Call her during the day.

Just add it to the list. Call her during the day for no purpose other than to connect with her. Just to say, hey, how you doing?

I'm just calling. I want you to know I'm at work, but I'm thinking of you. Get home a little bit early. Do something domestic. If you beat your wife home, get the dishwasher started. The key here is you don't even need dishes in it. Just get the dishwasher started. The sound of the dishwasher going on does something to my wife. I can't explain it, but when I do any sort of cleaning around the house, she's like...and when she just looks at me, we don't even have to communicate with words anymore, she looks at me like, you are my man.

The candle is lit. Download a lovemaking playlist. Oh, this is good. We got songs. You got songs?

We grew up in the 80s. We got songs. All I have to do...and if I don't even play it, if I sing it, it's even better. And I want to give you permission to join me as I start singing this song, okay?

See, some of you know it's going to be good, but it's good. But listen, all I have to do is walk into the kitchen and start singing this. Now I've had the time of my life, and though I never felt like this before, this I swear. And she jumps in the air. I grab her. And off we go. Now see, all of this is building, right? And I try to help my brothers along in this because they're like, well, we don't really connect all day, and we've been tired, and she's working, and I'm working.

We're doing the kids activities. We're getting home, but I always like to go into the kitchen about nine o'clock and tap her and be like, hey, baby, you want to go? And she says, no, right?

You haven't prepared me, right? For a woman, sexual interest is driven by energy. This is why you have to remove distractions. And in our home right now, we got a 10-year-old distraction and a 12-year-old distraction.

And most nights, the candles lit. I have to run around the house going, stay away from your mother, right? Leave her alone. Go to your room right now. I just have to say something to mom. No, you're going to say nothing to mom. You're going to leave mom alone. You can talk to her in the morning. Amy, honestly, after a couple hours, she'll come out of the bedroom after taking a bath or something.

She's like, hey, where are the kids? They're safe. That's all you need to know. You focus. You stay.

You guys know what I'm talking about. You've done all this work. You've worked for 12 hours. And the kid can say or do something. I'm not really in the mood. You stay focused. I'll take care of the kids. You got to bring some candles into the bedroom.

And this is where the lady starts to go, I'm kind of insecure about my body. Well, put a votive in the far corner of the room. Make him squint, but get a candle. Okay, that's enough for the guys. Ladies, here's my list for you on how to prepare your husband for romance. Show up naked.

That's it. We don't need no calls during the day just to see how we're doing. We're fine. The house doesn't even need to be clean.

You'd be amazed at how dirty it can be. Marriage should be honored by all. You know, that means every single, every married, young, old, it doesn't matter.

All of us are called to esteem marriage is highly valuable. I think we've gotten away from this next key verse in the Scripture. It's found in Ecclesiastes. I love the bookends of Ecclesiastes. Ecclesiastes 1, Life is Hard, Ecclesiastes 12, then you die. That's why a lot of people avoid that book.

But generations come and generations go, but the earth remains forever. And then you get to chapter 12 and it says, what? Remember your Creator in the days of your youth before the days of trouble come where you say, I find no pleasure in them.

It's old age. Here's the bookends. Life is hard, then you die. But in the middle of this book is Ecclesiastes 9, 7 through 9. It says this, go and eat your food with gladness. Drink your wine with a joyful heart. We were independent, fundamental, permanent, king, king, virgin, only Baptist. We never did that part.

We let that part out. It says, eat your food with gladness. Drink your wine with a joyful heart. For now God favors what you do, but not the independent Baptist. But God favors it. Always be clothed in white and always anoint your head with oil, speaking there of joy and festivity. And then verse 9 says this, endure life with your wife all your miserable days. I love going to churches where Bibles are closed and I misquote that verse like that.

I'll say, endure life with your wife all your miserable days. And I'll always get a few. It's good.

It's good. And I'm saying, that's not what it says. You know what it says? And it's the only place in your Bible where it says this, enjoy life with your wife whom you love all your meaningless days.

For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun. In other words, you can enjoy life and marriage at the same time. Part of a steaming marriage is highly valuable is reminding all of us that you don't have to choose between life and wife.

I want you to think about this for just a second. EHarmony, Match.com, FarmersOnly.com comes on the screen. But think about the guy who's sitting at home right now in a bad marriage or in a stuck marriage or the wife is in a bad marriage, a stuck marriage. They see the twirling couple on the screen.

You've seen them. Guy comes on, they found their soul mate. They found, we have an algorithm.

All you have to do is take a test, put you with the perfect person. And he's going, ah, look how happy they look. They're enjoying life. I'd like to enjoy life like that maybe again one day. I did for a marriage. But now I'm married. And our problem is we never took a test. You know, our culture really has fallen for this idea that compatibility is something you find or something you test for.

And that's just not true. Compatibility is something you create. You learn to enjoy one another.

You learn to be compatible. My wife and I, we are different. I grew up in a home that taught savings was money you put away for a rainy day. She grew up in a home that taught savings was the difference between the actual price and the sale price.

Does anybody know what I'm talking about? But with our money, we're learning to become compatible. She grew up on holidays. We weren't compatible with the holidays.

They're coming up again. My wife grew up in the White House, right? Tree in every room, garland over every door, lights everywhere. My family decorated for Christmas on a commercial break. Does anybody know what I'm talking about? Dad would go over to the crawl space, pull out a three-foot pre-decorated tree, and put it on the deal, pull off the garbage bag, and we'd sing Joy to the world and back to That's Incredible.

That's how it worked. But not my wife. And so you can imagine every Christmas, early on especially, by the time I'm getting the 57th box down out of the attic that says Christmas decor, I'm in no mood to celebrate the birth of my Lord and Savior. Anybody with me?

Am I the only one? I'm ticked off. But we're finding ways to be compatible. And here's one of the little tools that we've picked up. And actually, I picked this up from my friends Jason Earles and John Branion. They're comedians, and they have what's called in comedy the callback. The callback is what makes your favorite comedian your favorite comedian.

It's what makes your favorite sitcom your favorite sitcom. And here's how it works. Something happens. There's an event.

You put a little space between the event, but then you bring the callback in at a later time. It's Jeff Foxworthy, right? Anytime he says, you might be a redneck, we all die laughing. Bill Engvall, here's your sign, right? Those are the callbacks those guys have.

And we've decided we need some callbacks in our marriage in order to enjoy one another. My wife, she's a foodie. Do we have any foodies in here?

Let me see the hands of all the foodies. Okay, I'm not a foodie. What a foodie means is you go into a restaurant, and you never leave full. That's the definition of a foodie. Small portions, big prices.

We're in New York. She walks me into this restaurant, and I sit down like, oh, this is going to be bad. I'm not going to get enough food. Waiter walks over. He has a plank, and there's a mint leaf sticking out this side and a mint leaf sticking out that side. And I ask him, is that the salad? Is this where we're starting this thing?

And I kid you not. He says, no, here's what the chef recommends. That you take the mint leaf, you begin rubbing it over your lips and under your nose and on your chin. You just really begin. It's going to prepare you for the meal.

I look over. My wife's totally into it. I'm still holding mine.

And I told the guy, I said, you know, I grew up in Illinois where we grew a lot of produce. We just never once thought about rubbing it on our faces. And I think if a husband and a wife are going to rub vegetables on their face together, I think it should be done in privacy, and you don't even need to be here right now.

He wouldn't leave, because he wouldn't leave. I decide I'm going to wear this mint leaf out. I'm rubbing. I hand it back to him, and he takes it off. But now watch the call back, because my wife knows that is just not a comfortable situation for me. And I hear guys say this to me a lot. They'll say things like, you know, that's her thing.

It's not my thing. But compatibility is her thing becoming your thing, and your thing becoming her thing. And finding ways to enjoy it. So here's the call back on that one. Now when we're at my favorite restaurant, Le Cracker Barrel, all I have to do is lean over, grab a piece of her broccoli, and go like that a little bit. And she's ready to go.

We've become more compatible in this area too. Early in our marriage, I had to tell her, I go, listen baby, there's just not a lot of adventure left for men in the world anymore, okay? So please, let me find my own parking space, okay? I want to do it all by myself.

I want to provide it for my family. She'd point a spot three spaces in, I'd drive 20 spaces down. And she used to look at me with those eyes and say, you stubborn, stubborn man. But not anymore. You know what part of becoming compatible requires, and enjoying life together requires? You have to fire one another as the source of life.

Jesus is our source of life, not one another. So here's what we did. I'm going to ask you, I'm going to invite you to be a part of doing this with us. I'm going to have you raise your right hand and repeat after me. Go ahead, this is the participatory part of the night. Raise your right hand, repeat after me. I, state your name, everybody's part of the comedy tour now, do hereby resign as general manager of the universe and my spouse. Okay, now watch this.

This is the best part. Take your finger for the very last time. That finger that has been pointing blame at your spouse for years for your unhappiness, point it at your spouse for the very last time and say these words that will set you free in Jesus.

Say, you're fired. You will no longer suck the life out of me. Jesus is my source of life, not you. You don't have to keep repeating, I'm teaching now. But some of you are really getting into that and I'll say another thing. The way you. Okay, so stay with me.

We're almost done for the night. So now, because we fired one another as a source of life, no more you will not. So now, guess what that does?

It turns conflict into fun. Turns it into that callback where we're able to enjoy one another even in a parking lot. And so now we pull in and she points, I've told her the rules of the parking lot have not changed. I can't from the foundations of the earth. God set up the rules when a woman points out a spot automatically disqualifies that spot.

It's no longer in an available spot. So I go pass her third space in 20 spaces down and there I sit. And you know what she does now?

And I love it. She leans over and she starts massaging my bicep. And she'll say, you did this all by yourself.

All by yourself. And I can't fully explain it, but it does something to me. You know what I caught her doing a couple of years ago? She knows those Andy's candies at the end of an Olive Garden meal are like crack to me.

I love those Andy's candies. She bought a bag of them. She keeps them in her purse for when I do something good.

It was in a parking lot. I received my first one. She pulled it out. She handed it to me. I grabbed that out of her hand. I'm opening up and I realize my wife just gave me a treat. She is rewarding my good behavior. I am a dog. I was all right.

I opened it up and I enjoyed it. Anyway, that's turning conflict into a call back and you just have to make the decision, right? The decision to stay married flows from your character. That commitment flows from character and character trumps compatibility.

Compatibility flows from your character and we have received some great call backs from those out on tour. And one of my favorite ones comes from a guy. He said, my wife called me at work one day and the toilet was running and I told her to go over, take the lid off the top and look down the chains probably on the bottom. Just reach down, grab the chain, put it back and he's explaining it to her and she goes, ew. She says, I'm not reaching my hand in there.

Disgusting. And he goes, honey, it's clean water. It's like the water that comes out of the sink and he has to talk her into it. So he finally talks her into reaching her hand in there. But right before, right before she does, she asked him the question, am I going to get electrocuted? And he came up with the most brilliant call back.

He said, honey, you have to unplug the toilet first. Thank you very much. Date night comedy tour. It's been great being with you. You've been a lot of fun tonight.

Thanks. We've been listening to Pastor Ted Cunningham today on Focus on the Family and what an enthusiastic crowd, Jim. Well, what a great way to share encouragement for marriages. And I want to emphasize what Ted did there right at the end. He had everyone resign from the position of general manager of the universe and my spouse. And man, that hits me right in the heart.

I hope you caught that. It reminds me of the saying, you can't be your spouse's Holy Spirit. How many times do we try to do that? I think this is one of the critical challenges in marriage. And Ted said it in a funny way, but it is deeply true. We really can't change our spouse.

So stop trying. But we can change our own attitudes and behavior toward our spouse, especially with the help of the Holy Spirit. And if we take Ted's advice, we can relax a bit and accept our husband or wife and their flaws.

And hopefully they'll accept ours and work on those things that are within. And John, I got to tell you, this is a real recipe for a peaceful home. And I'm going to have to take this message to heart next time. I'm just itching to tell Dina how to load the dishwasher properly. Yeah, me too. Now, Jean and I, I mean, she does most of that and I'm grateful to her. And I do chip in. Yeah, I just need to let Dina do it her way. And if I really feel the urge to say something to add in a little humor, as Ted might advise.

Yeah, that's right. And you know, humor helps in any relationship, especially when things get tense. Well, you can start improving your marriage by creating your own date night event right there at home. Get the Date Night Challenge DVD from us.

Put the kids to bed and then watch it together and laugh together. The DVD is over two hours long and is hosted by Greg and Erin Smalley. It features Ted Cunningham's entire message plus presentations from comedians John Branion and Jason Earles. And let me just add a thank you to the faithful givers who support the ministry allowing us to produce marriage strengthening materials like the Date Night Challenge DVD. If you haven't given lately, let me encourage you to join our team today to support marriages in all stages from engaged couples to those in the retirement years. Here's just one success story from a listener. She wrote, The focus on the family broadcast has helped restore my marriage. I began listening several years ago when we were on the brink of divorce. I've been applying suggestions from your program and our marriage is now thriving. Thank you so much for being a channel for God's truth.

Man, that is good stuff. And that impact is thanks to faithful donors and of course, the Lord working through all of us. And I want you to be a part of this marriage building team. The best way to do that is by becoming a monthly donor. It doesn't have to be a big amount.

It's the consistency that really helps us month to month. And when you partner with us with a monthly pledge of any amount, I want to provide you with the Date Night Challenge DVD. And if a monthly commitment won't work for your budget right now, we understand that. We can send the Date Night DVD to you for a one-time donation of any amount. And you can reach us by calling 800-AFAMILY, 800-232-6459 or follow the link in the episode notes to donate to the work of Focus on the Family and request your DVD. And let me point out that the DVD is intended for a mature audience. It's covering topics, of course, of interest to couples.

And so if you just want what you heard on the air today, request the CD or the audio download. When you're online with us, check out our free marriage assessment. It takes just a few minutes and it's going to help you identify the strengths and maybe a few weaknesses in your relationship. More than a million have taken this free marriage assessment.

It's online at our website. Take a moment please and leave us a rating and tell someone else about this episode, won't you? Thanks in advance for doing that. For now, I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time as we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ. addiction. Let Joanne Condie's timeless wisdom give you hope even while you're in your own season of Aftershock. Learn more about Aftershock at focusonthefamily.com slash store.